Hi, I just came across your story in the Read and Review section and wanted to share my thoughts.
This was a very moving piece of writing. The description led me to read it, as I know how life hits too hard all too well. I buried my groom, my soulmate, ten years ago and though I have moved on, I still miss him. If this story is based on a real even, I am very sorry for your loss.
Your short write really hit home with me, and I am glad I read it. Writing is a great way to work through grief, your feelings, memories, even anger.
I do have one small suggestion that is purely technical, as I think the sentiment and the impact of the writing are fantastic. The last sentence just a bit awkward.
The pain had grown so strong, and I became numb, the cool wind blew across my face, chilling the tears across my face, as I watched her casket lower into the ground.
A simple edit:
The pain had grown so strong I became numb. The cool wind blew across my face chilling the tears as I watched her casket lower into the ground.
Thank you for sharing this piece with the community. I know from experience it isn't always easy to put yourself out there. I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Hi, I just read your story "My Biggest Fan" and wanted to share my thoughts.
Let me begin by saying that the title and description are perfect for the piece.
I found this to be a well-written story, and that is only coming from a reader's perspective, I am not an expert on story writing or technical grammar. I like the way the conversation with the young mother on the train led to the memories and reasons for the falling out with his father.
The dialog seemed natural, and the characters believable. The story was paced well and the ending was great. I really enjoyed reading it.
I really like this poem. From the first word to the last it just flowed perfectly. The rhyme is great and natural. Just an overall great read.
I have no suggestions for improvement, this poem is perfect just the way it is. I am so glad I took the time to read it. Thank you for sharing this with the community!
I loved the sentiment of this poem. I feel this way about my late husband. Sometimes I am sure I still feel him with me will never stop believing that he is.
The poem flows well and is consistent with punctuation.
I have only one suggestion, and this is purely my opinion. I think the third line should be cut. It feels somewhat repetitive and also, later in the poem it mention "I go wherever you go" so he is there even when she isn't sleeping.
I am glad I chose to read this, thank you for sharing it with the community.
Hi, Purple Princess This review is part of your auction package from the Rising Stars Auction. I confess I completely forgot about this and I am very sorry.
When I saw that this was a limerick in the description I had to read it, I love limericks!
This was written well and is a new twist for the Man from Nantucket!
I've just read your editorial and even though a soulmate is in fact highly improbable, it is possible. If there is such a thing, I found mine and we had ten wonderful years together and have no doubt that we would be together still if he hadn't died.
I like the way you looked at the topic from three points of view and your conclusion is a good one. I hope that it all works out!
Hi, and welcome to Writing.com I found your piece in the "Read a Newbie" section and wanted to share my thoughts.
This short piece is hauntingly beautiful and very moving. I understand the feelings of the piece all too well, having lost my soulmate 10 years ago.
I did notice one small error, able to here, should be 'here' should be 'hear' I catch myself doing things like that all the time, so I just wanted to let you know.
I am glad I took the time to read this, thank you for sharing it with the community. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
I came across your poem in the "Read a Newbie" section and wanted to share my thoughts.
First I'd like to say I like the poem, I like the lightness of it and the way it seems to just float.
However, I was distracted by the typos in this poem. I had to read it twice to realize the last word in the first line was supposed to be cafe, like the title, and then again, Cafin, was meant to be cafe in. Proofreading is important, and a mistake like that in the first line is a turnoff to the reader and some people would stop right there and move on to something else, which would be a shame because this poem is actually pretty good.
Thank you for sharing this with the community. I hope to read more of your work in the future.
I found your poem in the Read a Newbie section and thought I would share my thoughts.
This poem reminds me of a friend. She's an older woman who lost her husband. She had never been a drinker and someone gave her a bottle of wine as a gift one Christmas, she started drinking a glass every night before she went to bed, then it was one when she got home from work another before bed and before long it was a bottle or more every day, but she didn't think it was a problem, because it was only a little wine. After about a year she had changed so much, it was sad to watch. Luckily, she met someone and put the bottle down as she didn't need it to ease her loneliness anymore.
This free verse poem illustrates just how easy it is to fall into that trap, it seems harmless at first, and it creeps up on you. I'm glad you said goodbye.
Thank you for sharing this with the community, I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Hi, and welcome to Writing.com! I found your poem in the Read a Newbie section and wanted to share my thoughts.
I like the theme of the poem, being an extreme introvert myself I can relate. Your poem flows well and is easy to understand. My favorite stanzas are the second one and the last one I found them to be particularly well said.
I saw no obvious errors or typos and I am glad I took the time to read this. Thank you for sharing it with the community.
Hi, I came across your poem in the Read and Review section and thought I would share my thoughts.
This piece reads more like an essay than a poem really, but I appreciate the points you make in it. It is a scary thing to think that Hitler admired what we did to the native population, and you didn't even mention the early use of biological weapons by giving blankets contaminated with smallpox to the Native American tribes as gifts. That wiped out whole tribes.
Really the Nazis were nothing new, genocide has been going on all throughout history. Mankind doesn't need to make up monster stories, not when the worst monsters walk among us every day.
Hi, spidey! I came across your poem "Trembling limbs" in the Read and Review section.
I like this poem from the spider's point of view. It reminded me of a spider I had in my house years ago that lived in a corner up near the ceiling. I really don't like bugs and spiders and would grab the nearest thing I could find to kill them but for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to kill it. It fascinated me to watch the intricate webs it would spin. It caused me no harm so I left alone. My kids called it Charlotte, it was still there when we moved out.
The poem is well written and I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing this.
Hi, Ken! I just found this poem while looking through the read and review section.
This was really cute, the imagery was good, and who doesn't like a poem about a dog?
The rhyme was done well and the flow was good, but the ending was great. I chuckled when I got to that! I have two dogs and I know exactly what you mean.
Hi, I came across this piece in the Read and Review Section.
First, I'd like to say, I'm sorry for your loss, even though I noticed this was written a while back. I normally don't review pieces like this, as they are so personal, I feel almost like an intruder for reading it, kind of like reading someone's diary or something, but this really moved me and I wanted to thank you for sharing it.
The love you had for your father was beautiful are you are so lucky to have had that in your life. I thought this was very touching and a great tribute to a good man.
I came across your poems in the Read and Review section and wanted to share my thoughts.
I understand what you are going through, I too, suffer from depression and writing poetry seems to help sometimes. I could feel your pain as I read your words and hope that things get better for you.
I particularly like the Freedom poem, I thought that was well done.
Thank you for sharing this with the community, I hope to read more of your work in the future. Keep Writing,
I came across your poem in the Read and Review section and wanted to share my thoughts.
This is a sweet poem with a beautiful message. It flows very well and was easy to read and understand. I like the way you varied the rhyme scheme from stanza to stanza, that doesn't always work well, but in this piece it does.
I found no errors and nothing that detracts from this. Thank you for sharing this with the community, I hope to read more of your work in the future.
I liked this poem, the tone and style are unique and I really enjoyed reading it. It reminds me times when a fragment of something comes filtering through my mind but it isn't enough to form a line, it needs more, but the rest is elusive. I write it down and hit a wall and watch the hours tick by trying to come up wth more.
I particularly liked the ending, beautiful.
This longing for words: my voice
opens up, stands up, starts a snake dance
with air.
Thank you for sharing this with the community,
Karen
Hi, Espero! This is a Rising Stars Member to Member Review.
I love the title of the poem, it was very well thought out and is perfect for this piece.
I often feel like I am an intruder when I sit in a secluded natural place. Your description of the buck as being majestic is lovely, and I agree. I once came face to face with a beautiful buck with the biggest set of antlers I had ever seen while walking my dogs. There was a rustling from a forested area in my neighborhood, I thought it was kids, and out stepped this incredible animal. It was like something from a dream.
The review tip says to be well-rounded a review should include both positive and negative comments, however, I can find nothing negative in this piece and have no suggestions. I am truly glad I took the time to read it. Thanks for sharing it with the community.
Hi teach23 and welcome to Writing.com I found your poem in the "Read a Newbie" section and the title drew my attention so I thought I would give it a read.
I like the sentiment of the poem, it is very sweet and I understood it easily.
Suggestions:
There is a lot of repetition in this poem that could be reworded to give it better imagery. Here is an example:
At times the road will stretch wide and easy.
At times it will turn and twist until we seem to be lost.
At times it will climb and lead to pleasant vistas.
At times it will lead into dark valleys where sunlight doesn't dwell.
At times the road will stretch wide and easy,
then turn and twist 'till we seem lost.
It will climb to heights with pleasant vistas
and lead to valleys where the sun doesn't dwell.
This is just a suggestion to give you an idea. I think this poem is good and has the potential to be very good with a bit of polish. I am so glad I chose to read this and hope to read more of your work in the future.
Hi, Saoirseand welcome to Writing.com! I saw your poem in the "Read a Newbie" section and wanted to share my thoughts.
I like the message of this poem and the words are very moving. I do think it could do with a bit of polishing to help the presentation and make it easier to read so that your lovely words stand out.
Example:
Ive walked the path that led the way from a childhood too young to know
That the sins of the parents would leave their mark and soon they'd start to show
Oh Innocence and Vulnerability, Believing Anything could be until one day in your darkest hour
You realise hold on that was me!
I've walked the path that led the way
from a childhood too young to know
That the sins of the parents
would leave their mark
and soon they'd start to show.
Oh, innocence and vulnerability,
believing anything could be,
until one day in your darkest hour
You realize, hold on that was me!
By using line breaks and punctuation it makes it much easier to read and helps the flow, even when the words are exactly the same.
Overall I really liked your poem. Thank you for sharing it with the community. I Know that it isn't any easy thing to do. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
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