I'm sorry this is much later than I said it would be! Some stuff came up in the past few days and I haven't had a chance to sit down.
I loved reading this chapter. Your choices in vocabulary helped the story come alive, and learning about Pól's life was interesting and helped move the story along. There were several grammar hiccups, but I won't get caught up in those just yet. I think you did a good job writing the action scenes, especially leading up to Pól being arrested. I kept thinking, "He's not going to get hurt, right? They're not going to mistake him for being a part of the riot, right??" My worries for Pól gave the ending of this chapter a very good pacing and build-up, making me desperately want to read the next chapter! (sadly, I didn't have any more free time to spare! I still haven't read the next chapter... )
HOOK:
What made me decide to click on your story was the description. A coup that fails against a corrupt government? I've really only seen stories about how a coup succeeds, so I thought this was really interesting. While the title didn't initially pull me into the story, it does give a sense of urgency and victory that makes me want to keep reading the story to see how (and if) they succeed. Perhaps finding a certain phrase or a more unique/descriptive word would help drag in readers at the start, while keeping the sense of urgency.
The first few sentences didn't catch my attention all that much. It sets a vague scene, one that is easily visualized but is lacking in depth. I think if you were to give a clear emotional attachment to the city by saying how Pól feels about his home town and then introduce the strange sound coming from the city, it would grab the reader's attention. I think you got something going when you wrote about his anxiety and excitement, describing the sea air, but it doesn't quite wrap up a setting that has emotional depth just yet. Or, maybe you could even switch around the first paragraph and the following paragraphs; hook the reader with him missing his daughter and feeling guilty, then properly set the scene. Then you could better transition from hearing strange sounds from the city to describing the eerie silence surrounding it.
PLOT AND PACING:
I think up until Pól began walking around the city to see what was going on, the pacing was just a bit too slow and Pól's thoughts about his daughter were a bit too roundabout. When you interrupt thoughts about his daughter to talk about his mother's letters for a sentence, it disturbs the flow a bit. I would recommend talking about his daughter in one paragraph and either omitting or re-positioning the thought about his mother's letters.
I feel like you could even omit a lot of the introduction where Pól is just walking around. Maybe say the necessary information and then quickly move on. The interactions with Mara were sweet, but eventually got boring. The one Mara part I thought was funny and that you should definitely keep is, "The mare snorts, spraying Pól with droplets. Pól chuckles. 'My thoughts exactly.'"
Past that, the pacing is excellent. Conflict after conflict arise, making me more worried for Pól as I read. You used the dialogue and interactions between characters very well, moving the story along smoothly and with high tensions.
CHARACTERS:
If you couldn't tell, I'm already really protective of Pól. You've fleshed him out really well in the first chapter (something I think is very hard to do for your main character, especially in the beginning). He's definitely either a chaotic good or lawful good; he's always helping others and standing up for people in the name of justice and has very strong morals. I can't wait to see what role he plays in the rebellion.
I'm excited to see all the family dynamics that I'm not already aware of, and to learn more about the family's past; who is Sive's mother? What was it like when Pól's father was alive? How did the family members react differently to his passing, particularly Pól? The family appears to be just another low class family, so how on earth did Pól become a Griffin? Family dynamics and interactions are always fun to play with (and read about) in stories.
SETTING AND IMAGERY:
When your sentence flow isn't cluttering a paragraph and getting in the way, you write beautiful descriptions! The most vivid description I recall was the paragraph, "The tall, white buildings in the center of the city...the bulwarked city guard who seem to be trying to contain the commotion." The glorious white buildings and golden sea shining brightly in the sun's glare contrasting with the dirtiness and havoc below paints an incredible picture. Especially the golden sea, which was mentioned once or twice elsewhere in the piece. Pól clearly has an attachment to it and it sounds beautiful in the background of the gleaming white buildings. As an artist, it makes me want to draw fan art of this city! (I totally haven't already drawn a quick sketch of some of the beautiful imagery this story, not at allll...heheh)
STRUCTURE AND CONSISTENCY:
There's some information that I think should be said earlier on, and maybe it could help with pacing the part before Pól enters the city.
I tripped up on the sentence, "The uproar only grows louder as they approach the city that is so familiar to her son who has been long away." I had to skip over it eventually, but after reading further, I realized that the city was Pól's hometown. I had originally thought that he was just out adventuring, unaware that you were implying this was his hometown. As a side note, you could combine his longing for the city with his guilt for leaving it, and explaining why he left, to help give the story more momentum in the introduction.
I didn't know what a Griffin was or even that Pól was one of them until the very end when he was arrested. You could move the information about a Griffin's rank from when he's arrested to the very beginning of the chapter, making Pól explain why he had been gone so long. It's extremely interesting information about him, and coupled with the fact that he seems to be the kind of person to stand up to authority and say things he maybe shouldn't in the name of justice, it really fleshes out his character. One of the questions in my mind right now is, "How did he become a Griffin if they have such a high status?" I think this could correspond with interesting background information we may learn about him later on.
TECHNICALITIES:
Many of your sentences almost felt like run-on sentences, and were sometimes cluttered with too many dashes. I think this happened most frequently when you were describing a setting. There were also some paragraphs that felt like clumps of very short, blunt sentences. You have sentences with varied lengths, but I think you could work a bit on sentence flow particularly in the slower paced parts of the chapter. If you want to polish up this chapter, I recommend just going through it and trying to understand exactly what you want to portray in any sentence/paragraph that seems a bit off. I'll usually rewrite a weird sentence a couple different ways to figure out which structure and wording fits best, and then make sure the transitions look okay. That helps me bring the story to life and allows me to say exactly what I intend to!
I made notes of the grammar errors I found, but since I'm not sure if this is a first draft or not, I won't bother you with them unless you want me to. If you do want to see the grammar mistakes, email me and I'll be sure to send you the list of stuff I caught! :)
FAVORITE PARTS:
"To figure that out he would need peace, quiet, and a preferably dark room with plenty of ale." Hah, you put in just the right amount of humor for this piece - just a dash of mild comedy to further bring the characters to life.
I loved realizing that the girl Pól was talking to was actually his granddaughter. Not only was he realizing it the same time we were, it was totally unexpected and provides a perfect transition for the (not entirely happy) reunion of the family.
Overall, I can see serious potential for this story. The plot is thrilling and is headed in an interesting direction; a mildly delinquent high-ranking Griffin who just wants to help the citizens gets arrested. I can't wait to read on further and see where the story takes him - or where he takes the story. I look forward to any chapters you upload in the future! |
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