Hi Joy. I really like this poem a lot. The way it looks back to such a tragedy but simultaneously looks forward with hope and love. This is very uplifting and encouraging.
The poem flows well and you have some nice descriptions here.
I love the line:
Yet, I know, like a sun, I can rise above this
A very simple but powerful image.
The only changes I suggest are in this line:
For I love every man, nation, race, or creed.
Here you don't need the last comma. Also I think the line would make more sense if you change 'or' to 'and'.
You have a very strong poem here and the last two lines are really effective - I love the internal rhyme. Great stuff
Wow, Diane! You moved me almost to the point of tears with this little story. You've got a wonderfully rounded character in Jeremy, and his thoughts and actions are heartbreakingly realistic. I felt for him so much. I love the little details in this: the plant he hides behind for instance, and how out of everything in nature he particularly likes worms.
The only slight criticism I have (and the sole reason I'm not giving 5 stars)is that you overuse Jeremy's name when 'him' or 'his' would be sufficient. Otherwise I couldn't see any errors at all. You've chosen your words carefully and have great pacing. The tone of the piece is perfect.
I love the ambiguity at the end. You made a wise choice not to go for an obvious happy ending.
This is a good poem. Michelle. You express your feelings well.
I wonder does anyone actually like being wrong??? Unfortunately we all our sometimes. Luckily we're able to learn from our mistakes.
This poem could use some editing for punctuation. For example your line:
I am willing to forget can you?
is in need of punctuation after forget (I'd suggest either a full stop or semi-colon).
Also you use 'I do not like it all' three times, and ' I do not like it at all' once. That phrase works much better with 'at' so I'd suggest changing the other three uses to match.
A great deal of the craft of writing lies in the rewriting!
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Weekly Style: Late entry for the Monotetra - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: This is nicely voiced with just the right amount of melancholy in the tone - giving your poem poignancy without being over-sentimental or self-pitying. I like the pace of this. It flows very well. A good poem to read aloud, I think. The repeats at the end of each stanza are used to great effect.
Description & use of device: You have great word choices here. Your opening two lines are nicely descriptive and really set the tone for the rest of the poem. Your use of alliteration is minimal but effective.
Comments & suggestions: I have no suggestions for improvement. Great work.
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Weekly Style: The Monotetra - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: I like the softening of the tone in the second line of this poem as the focus shifts from winter. Over all this is nicely paced but I did stumble on the second line of your second stanza (see under 'comments' below)
Description & use of device: You have some great imagery here and utilise aliteration to wonderful effect. I especially like 'rivulets of rushing rain'.
Comments & suggestions: I do have a bit of a problem with your line:
sweet blossoms soon their heads will crane
This seems a little clumsy as if the inversion from will crane their heads has been made simply to meet the rhyme requirement. That's just my opinion though.
Also you begin the second line of the poem with a capital T even though it comes mid sentence.
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Weekly Style: The Monotetra - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: This flows as freely as the pen you mention in the second stanza. It has a relaxed, peaceful tone that suits the subject of the time following a storm.
Description & use of device: You use alliteration to great effect in your opening line.
Comments & suggestions: I love the play on words in the line:
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Weekly Style: The Etheree - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: You convey the emotion of this situation really well without being over-sentimental or melodramatic. That restraint gives the poem additional power. This is also well paced and flows well.
Description & use of device: You have great word choice and wonderful descriptions that really paint the scene for the reader.
Comments & suggestions: I love the alliteration at the beginning of the poem. The last word of the poem really packs an emotional punch and is very effective. You've done a wonderful job with a very difficult subject matter
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Weekly Style: The Etheree - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: You've created a great rhythm and flow here. I enjoy the light, somewhat playful tone. It's a real delight to read.
Description & use of device: Lovely word choices. The suggestion of romance between the sky and the rain is a great touch. You make great use of personification. I also really like the musical imagery.
Comments & suggestions: I particularly love the line:
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Weekly Style: The Etheree - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: This flows briskly, and you use a wonderfully light and joyous tone.
Description & use of device: Do I take from the first line that this is a dog describing the scene (I haven't seen the film unfortunately)! If so then that's great use of personification. If I'm wrong then scratch that last remark. You have some great word choices here.
Comments & suggestions: This sounds great read aloud; especially the similar sounds of cries/arrives and romance/commenced. No suggestions for improvement. Great job.
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Weekly Style: The Etheree - on the whole you've completed the form successfully but I think one of your lines may be lacking a syllable (see comments and suggestions below).
Voice and pace: This is nicely paced and flows well.
Description & use of device: You use some nice description which helped me picture the scene (I also think my familiarity of the story helped). Ending your first stanza with the moment their eyes met was particularly well done. Nice use of personification in using this woman to symbolise the fallen (sinful) nature of humanity, and show how Christ's forgiveness is available to all of us.
Comments & suggestions: I read the penultimate line of your first stanza as being 8 syllables rather than the required 9. Deserved is a 2 syllable word but I'm wondering if you're using it as three by stressing the 'ed' at the end. If so this sounds very archaic and really doesn't work for me. I know it's an old story you're telling but if you use this pronunciation of deserved it really doesn't fit with the simple, modern language of the rest of the poem.
I like the phrase 'lover of her soul' but don't see the need for it to be in italics.
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I'm sure you're aware that katherinea has recruited me as co-judge to share reviewing duties for the remainder of The Stretch. So here I am
Weekly Style: The Whitney - you have completed this style successfully.
Voice and pace: You use a reflective, thoughtful tone here which is supported by a slow, almost ponderous pacing.
Description & use of device: I particularly enjoyed your image of evil strutting 'in secret deception'. Nice use of personification. 'Struts in secret' is the only use of alliteration though and as this was the device for the week I feel you needed to use it more.
Comments & suggestions: Apart from more use of alliteration, the only problem I saw here was in your grammar in the lines:
unspoken truth;
Then evil
Here you either need to change the semi-colon to a full stop (period) or make the T of 'Then' lower case. I did like the idea behind this poem. Quite thought provoking. Overall this was a good effort. Well done.
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I'm sure you're aware that katherinea has recruited me as co-judge to share reviewing duties for the remainder of The Stretch. So here I am
I previously reviewed this entry but am rewriting it now as your official Stretch review in accordance with the format established by Kat. This also gives me the opportunity to increase my rating following a correction you made to your syllable count following my original review.
Weekly Style: The Whitney - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: You have a lovely tone here, with a fluid, easy pacing that helps emphasise your subject - the pleasure of eating a mango.
Description & use of device: Your use of alliteration is subtle and effective. Very nice description, especially with the dripping juice.
Comments & suggestions: I think your punctuation could be improved with a comma after 'decadent', and possibly by changing the comma after 'treat' to a semi-colon.
You have a wonderful selection of seasonal c-notes here. I'm very impressed. I particularly like the Easter c-note with the two chicks under the umbrella, which I just sent to a friend. This image is especially appropriate for me because of all the rain we get here in Wales (the price we pay for such beautiful countryside)
Many thanks to you and Highwind for providing these.
I just found this after reading a review by my dear friend and Rising Star sponsor, katherinea did.
Having a break from doing a Literature assignment for my University studies I really needed a laugh. This wonderful selection of quotes from your son, sure gave me that.
Wow, Maryann! This is a gorgeous collection of c-notes. I must admit to having a real soft spot for teddybears.
I've been blessed enough to have received 3 awardicons in the past week so I'll be sending 3 of your c-notes out tonight. It's a lovely idea to have thank you notes especially for awardicons and merit badges. I'm adding this selection to my favourites so will be sure to return in the future.
Thanks for providing them at such an affordable price as well.
This is a very good poem, Michelle. I know how hard it is to see someone you love with another person. You capture these feelings well.
I did spot a couple of errors:
Too, scared to find out You don't need the comma here.
Then what we could have been. Than what we could have been, rather than then.
Again it's punctuation (or lack of it) that mostly lets you down. I'll just give you an example of how I'd punctuate one of your stanzas. I'll take the one where you made the errors I just outlined:
Too scared to find out,
Never daring the cards;
Playing the game with someone new.
She will never be better
Than what we could have been.
I hope you can see what I've done there and why. If not feel free to e-mail me and we can discuss it.
thanks for inviting me to review your newest works. This is a great poem about rejection. It flows well and I found it quite poignant. I can certainly relate to this and I'm sure many other readers will too.
I particularly like:
I grew flowers for you,
But you wouldn't touch them
Your use of 'grew' rather than 'bought' is inspired, as this reflects greater effort over a longer period of time.
The only thing missing from this poem, in my opinion, is full stops (periods if you're American) at the end of your sentences. You need them at the end of your 2nd, 4th, 6th and last lines. There are no other errors I could see either in grammar/punctuation or spelling.
You currently have this rated as ----- which is a real shame. I don't know if you realise but ----- automatically counts as a higher rating than XGC. Therefore, if anyone has any kind of content rating in place they won't be able to see your poem on any lists. I strongly suggest changing this to an E rating to allow more people to see (and hopefully review) it. If you click on the content rating next to any item on WDC including your own, you will be taken to more information about the WDC content rating system that I'm sure you'll find helpful.
Also you can have up to three 'genres' listed for each item. At the moment you only have this under personal. I think you should consider adding a couple more (perhaps 'emotional' and 'experience'). If you do that then people will be able to see your poem listed when searching those genres, again adding to the exposure for this poem and attracting more readers.
You've done a great job with this poem. Keep up the good work.
Thought I'd better rate your folder as well, seeing as I'm here. It was Katherine's review of this folder on the public review page that sent me browsing in this direction in the first place.
Thank you so much for showing me my writing isn't really so bad after all.
I will return to check out more of your work soon (masochist that I am .
I never knew Pita but I agree with what Katherine says about what a shame it is to see writers remove their work from WDC especially if they've been members a long time.
Also it's a shame about the bad to the bone contest, which is obviously what this here folder of yours is all about. If it was still running I think I would try entering myself, though you would certainly be stiff competition.
God bless you, Maryann for injecting a bit of fun into my night.
Hey, Maryann. Just found this while browsing. I hope this doesn't reflect too badly on my reputation as a man of good taste, but I was actually sorely tempted to rate this higher than 1 star. Yes of course it's bad (to the bone... and beyond) but it made me laugh. That reference to Groundhog Day (one of my all time fave films) in your final stanza really made me consider a 2 star rating... for at least 2 seconds.
Something is obviously wrong with me. I'd better go and lie down
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Weekly Style: The Dodoitsu - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: This is a nicely paced little nature poem.
Description & use of device: You use description well. Great use of asonance also.
Comments & suggestions: I love the alliteration at the beginning of the poem. The last word of the poem really packs an emotional punch and is very effective. You've done a wonderful job with a very difficult subject matter
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