You have a wonderful selection of c-notes here. Really gorgeous designs and I love the way you use hearts in all of them. I was looking for something extra special to send to a friend who went over and beyond the call of duty for me today. Your 'Angel' c-note was just what I was looking for. I'm adding this to my favourites and really recommend anyone reading this review to have a look. It's great that the GPs raised go to such good causes as well.
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Weekly Style: The Monotetra - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: I like the softening of the tone in the second line of this poem as the focus shifts from winter. Over all this is nicely paced but I did stumble on the second line of your second stanza (see under 'comments' below)
Description & use of device: You have some great imagery here and utilise aliteration to wonderful effect. I especially like 'rivulets of rushing rain'.
Comments & suggestions: I do have a bit of a problem with your line:
sweet blossoms soon their heads will crane
This seems a little clumsy as if the inversion from will crane their heads has been made simply to meet the rhyme requirement. That's just my opinion though.
Also you begin the second line of the poem with a capital T even though it comes mid sentence.
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Weekly Style: The Monotetra - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: This flows as freely as the pen you mention in the second stanza. It has a relaxed, peaceful tone that suits the subject of the time following a storm.
Description & use of device: You use alliteration to great effect in your opening line.
Comments & suggestions: I love the play on words in the line:
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Weekly Style: The Etheree - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: You convey the emotion of this situation really well without being over-sentimental or melodramatic. That restraint gives the poem additional power. This is also well paced and flows well.
Description & use of device: You have great word choice and wonderful descriptions that really paint the scene for the reader.
Comments & suggestions: I love the alliteration at the beginning of the poem. The last word of the poem really packs an emotional punch and is very effective. You've done a wonderful job with a very difficult subject matter
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Weekly Style: The Etheree - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: You've created a great rhythm and flow here. I enjoy the light, somewhat playful tone. It's a real delight to read.
Description & use of device: Lovely word choices. The suggestion of romance between the sky and the rain is a great touch. You make great use of personification. I also really like the musical imagery.
Comments & suggestions: I particularly love the line:
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Weekly Style: The Etheree - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: This flows briskly, and you use a wonderfully light and joyous tone.
Description & use of device: Do I take from the first line that this is a dog describing the scene (I haven't seen the film unfortunately)! If so then that's great use of personification. If I'm wrong then scratch that last remark. You have some great word choices here.
Comments & suggestions: This sounds great read aloud; especially the similar sounds of cries/arrives and romance/commenced. No suggestions for improvement. Great job.
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Weekly Style: The Etheree - on the whole you've completed the form successfully but I think one of your lines may be lacking a syllable (see comments and suggestions below).
Voice and pace: This is nicely paced and flows well.
Description & use of device: You use some nice description which helped me picture the scene (I also think my familiarity of the story helped). Ending your first stanza with the moment their eyes met was particularly well done. Nice use of personification in using this woman to symbolise the fallen (sinful) nature of humanity, and show how Christ's forgiveness is available to all of us.
Comments & suggestions: I read the penultimate line of your first stanza as being 8 syllables rather than the required 9. Deserved is a 2 syllable word but I'm wondering if you're using it as three by stressing the 'ed' at the end. If so this sounds very archaic and really doesn't work for me. I know it's an old story you're telling but if you use this pronunciation of deserved it really doesn't fit with the simple, modern language of the rest of the poem.
I like the phrase 'lover of her soul' but don't see the need for it to be in italics.
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I'm sure you're aware that katherinea has recruited me as co-judge to share reviewing duties for the remainder of The Stretch. So here I am
Weekly Style: The Whitney - you have completed this style successfully.
Voice and pace: You use a reflective, thoughtful tone here which is supported by a slow, almost ponderous pacing.
Description & use of device: I particularly enjoyed your image of evil strutting 'in secret deception'. Nice use of personification. 'Struts in secret' is the only use of alliteration though and as this was the device for the week I feel you needed to use it more.
Comments & suggestions: Apart from more use of alliteration, the only problem I saw here was in your grammar in the lines:
unspoken truth;
Then evil
Here you either need to change the semi-colon to a full stop (period) or make the T of 'Then' lower case. I did like the idea behind this poem. Quite thought provoking. Overall this was a good effort. Well done.
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I'm sure you're aware that katherinea has recruited me as co-judge to share reviewing duties for the remainder of The Stretch. So here I am
I previously reviewed this entry but am rewriting it now as your official Stretch review in accordance with the format established by Kat. This also gives me the opportunity to increase my rating following a correction you made to your syllable count following my original review.
Weekly Style: The Whitney - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: You have a lovely tone here, with a fluid, easy pacing that helps emphasise your subject - the pleasure of eating a mango.
Description & use of device: Your use of alliteration is subtle and effective. Very nice description, especially with the dripping juice.
Comments & suggestions: I think your punctuation could be improved with a comma after 'decadent', and possibly by changing the comma after 'treat' to a semi-colon.
You have a wonderful selection of seasonal c-notes here. I'm very impressed. I particularly like the Easter c-note with the two chicks under the umbrella, which I just sent to a friend. This image is especially appropriate for me because of all the rain we get here in Wales (the price we pay for such beautiful countryside)
Many thanks to you and Highwind for providing these.
I just found this after reading a review by my dear friend and Rising Star sponsor, katherinea did.
Having a break from doing a Literature assignment for my University studies I really needed a laugh. This wonderful selection of quotes from your son, sure gave me that.
Wow, Maryann! This is a gorgeous collection of c-notes. I must admit to having a real soft spot for teddybears.
I've been blessed enough to have received 3 awardicons in the past week so I'll be sending 3 of your c-notes out tonight. It's a lovely idea to have thank you notes especially for awardicons and merit badges. I'm adding this selection to my favourites so will be sure to return in the future.
Thanks for providing them at such an affordable price as well.
thanks for inviting me to review your newest works. This is a great poem about rejection. It flows well and I found it quite poignant. I can certainly relate to this and I'm sure many other readers will too.
I particularly like:
I grew flowers for you,
But you wouldn't touch them
Your use of 'grew' rather than 'bought' is inspired, as this reflects greater effort over a longer period of time.
The only thing missing from this poem, in my opinion, is full stops (periods if you're American) at the end of your sentences. You need them at the end of your 2nd, 4th, 6th and last lines. There are no other errors I could see either in grammar/punctuation or spelling.
You currently have this rated as ----- which is a real shame. I don't know if you realise but ----- automatically counts as a higher rating than XGC. Therefore, if anyone has any kind of content rating in place they won't be able to see your poem on any lists. I strongly suggest changing this to an E rating to allow more people to see (and hopefully review) it. If you click on the content rating next to any item on WDC including your own, you will be taken to more information about the WDC content rating system that I'm sure you'll find helpful.
Also you can have up to three 'genres' listed for each item. At the moment you only have this under personal. I think you should consider adding a couple more (perhaps 'emotional' and 'experience'). If you do that then people will be able to see your poem listed when searching those genres, again adding to the exposure for this poem and attracting more readers.
You've done a great job with this poem. Keep up the good work.
Thought I'd better rate your folder as well, seeing as I'm here. It was Katherine's review of this folder on the public review page that sent me browsing in this direction in the first place.
Thank you so much for showing me my writing isn't really so bad after all.
I will return to check out more of your work soon (masochist that I am .
I never knew Pita but I agree with what Katherine says about what a shame it is to see writers remove their work from WDC especially if they've been members a long time.
Also it's a shame about the bad to the bone contest, which is obviously what this here folder of yours is all about. If it was still running I think I would try entering myself, though you would certainly be stiff competition.
God bless you, Maryann for injecting a bit of fun into my night.
Hey, Maryann. Just found this while browsing. I hope this doesn't reflect too badly on my reputation as a man of good taste, but I was actually sorely tempted to rate this higher than 1 star. Yes of course it's bad (to the bone... and beyond) but it made me laugh. That reference to Groundhog Day (one of my all time fave films) in your final stanza really made me consider a 2 star rating... for at least 2 seconds.
Something is obviously wrong with me. I'd better go and lie down
Hello Aria,
This is a wonderful, sensual story describing one woman's search for transcendence into a realm of pure sensation. I couldn't find any grammatical or spelling errors, and your writing flows beautifully just like the molten lava you describe. You use wonderful imagery but evoke more than just the sense of sight. Your descriptions of touch and smell are especially vivid. There's an emotional core to this story, not often found in erotica. I found the following sentence particularly powerful and moving:
Then she was pregnant, and she knew she couldn't have it, and she cried and said goodbye, and the baby said, "That's okay. I didn't like it here, anyway."
I found this story all the more erotic for it's restraint. In fact I'd suggest you bring the rating down to 18+ There really is nothing remotely offensive here at all, and your story deserves the wider readership a lower rating is likely to give it.
The only other suggestion I have is a cut (as indicated) in the following sentence:
So then she had to be more careful, and she couldn't be careless, because she never wanted to go through that again.
Having careful and careless so close together is a little jarring in my opinion, and the sentence works fine with the words between the commas removed - none of your meaning is lost.
Having enjoyed this story so much, I will certainly be back by your port to read more in the near future.
Lovely, beautiful. Makes me want to take a bath. I love:
'My curvy silhouette
Dances on the wall.'
In the last stanza you need commas after deeply, completely and freely.
Apart from that the only other section that needs a polish is:
'Alas, I pull the plug
The days’ toils depart,
Swirling down the drain,'
You need the last line here to end in a full stop. You also need a full stop after plug. days' should be day's. And, finally I think 'Alas' is the wrong word. You may not want to end the bath but you do want to wash the day's crap away. I think 'At last' would work much better, and indicates that you've taken your time over the bath.
This is excellent. Short and sucinct. I like it a lot, and have similar feelings for my friends.
The only slight change I'd suggest is to cut out the word 'the' before 'dearest' in the penultimate line. I think doing this would aid the overall flow of the poem. Good work. Keep it up.
My depression is unipolar rather than bipolar. None-the-less I really relate to this poem. I love 'the first snowflake of doubt' - I'm jealous of that one. Some wonderful use of alliteration. You really do capture those cold, dark, negative feelings so well. One spelling error: 'conscienceness' should be consciousness.
The repeat of surrounding in the last stanza doesn't really work for me. How about trying something like:
Deadness lies all around enticing me into its arms seducing me into its fate
surrounding me with emptiness ?
Your last line, left to stand alone as it does, is particularly effective.
Very well done. I'll certainly be back to read more of your work.
This is wonderful. Nothing wrong with this at all. You've certainly captured Dorothy Parker's razor sharp wit and sarcasm. This poem would sit quite comfortably alongside hers, and I really can't give you higher praise than that. I'm quite a fan of Mrs. Parker and would recommend her stories and reviews as well as her poetry.
Keep writing. Hope to read more from you in the future.
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Weekly Style: The Dodoitsu - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: I love the light and playful tone of this. Beautifully paced as well.
Description & use of device: Wonderful description used here, made me hungry even though I don't like prunes! You use assonance really well.
Comments & suggestions: I love the alliteration at the beginning of the poem. The last word of the poem really packs an emotional punch and is very effective. You've done a wonderful job with a very difficult subject matter
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