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Review of Riley's Lullaby  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Kelticmyst ,

I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item  contest. Thank you very much for entering round 1.

*Star* I hope the following comments will be helpful but please remember the rule not to edit your poem until this round of the contest has been judged. *Star*

This is a lovely, personal poem for your daughter. I like how personal it is and the heartfelt sentiment.

I particularly like the dream image of castles in the sky.

I have just a few suggestions for possible improvement.

Firstly at the end of your second stanza you have the words 'butterflies' 'fly' and 'sky' in the space of two lines. As the rest of your poem doesn't rhyme, these lines stand out a bit. Also in the last line of this stanza the word 'all' seems rather unnecessary and a little awkward. To deal with both these issues I would suggest rewriting this line to something like 'As they flutter through the air.'

Your repeating lines work well overall but I find the repetition of the word 'sleep' in the last line of your 5th stanza rather awkward and jarring. I would suggest an alternative word here like 'rest' for instance.

I found the next stanza a little vague, and I'm not sure having 'lovely' and 'love' so close together really works. That's just my opinion but you may want to look at reworking this section.

Overall this is good work. Thank you for sharing such a personal poem.

Best wishes,
Mark

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302
Review of Blessings  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Prof Moriarty ,

I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item  contest. Thank you very much for entering round 3.

This is a joyful, uplifiting poem about the pleasures of parenthood.

You have however, had some problems meeting the requirements of the Rispetto form. You've got the rhyme scheme right, and your choice of rhyme words is excellent.

However the Rispetto has 8 syllables in each line and should be written in iambic metre. Only one of your 8 lines has the correct number of syllables (the others having between 7 and 11). The irregular line length effects the flow and rhythm of the poem, and the metre isn't consistent.

Putting the form aside, I would say this is a well above average poem, beautifully expressing a warm sentiment. However, the prompt for this round was to follow the form. With the problems/mistakes highlighted I would have to say this is a below average example of the Rispetto form.

I've taken all that into consideration when giving my rating of 3 which is average. As I say it's based on how you have handled the form as much as the content and substance of the poem. I hope this is fair.

Well done for attempting this form (I know from experience that it's not so easy). You show potential and have some real talent.

Keep writing.

Best wishes,
Mark

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303
303
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Pepper ,

I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item  contest. Thank you very much for entering round 3.

This is a wonderful, fun poem which I really enjoyed reading despite not being a driver myself.

I love the joyful, celebratory tone of this.

You've done a good job of working with the form. Your choice of rhyme words are quite simple, and this simplicity works well with your choice of subject matter.

Overall this flows very well apart from the second line of your second stanza where the metre seems to break down a little -- that may just be me though as I'm no expert on metre.

I also wonder if 'YEA' in your last line would be better as either 'YEAH' or 'YAY'. What do you think.

Good work with this. Thanks for putting a smile on my face.

Keep writing.

Best wishes,
Mark

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304
304
Review of The Coming Storm  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Pepper ,

I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item  contest. Thank you very much for entering round 2.

This is a beautifully descriptive take on the Garden of Eden story. Very atmospheric with strong imagery. You've made creative use of the prompt and the poem flows quite nicely.

The only suggestion I have is that you perhaps consider using an alternative word to 'basking' in your first stanza. This doesn't seem to fit to me as a few lines earlier you made a point of implying the night wasn't warm. Just my opinion though.

It was a pleasure to read your poem. Good work.

Best wishes,
Mark

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305
305
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello kiyasama

This is a wonderful poem to have received for your birthday; a true affirmation of love and friendship. It must have really made your day.

Sapph did a great job with this. I love the sentiment and warmth of the poem, and it flows nicely.

Thanks for sharing this.

Best wishes,
Mark

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306
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a delightful selection of romantic c-notes. They're tasteful and discreet but very sexy. I've just sent one to my girlfriend, and she's very happy with it.

Thanks for sharing these. I'm adding this collection to my favourites.

Very best wishes,
Mark *Smile*
307
307
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ArizonaHeat ,

I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item  contest. Thank you very much for entering round 1.

Firstly I feel I should point out that you've made an error in your item title. You have one s too many in lessons.

This is a long, ambitious poem, detailing the life of a tree. On the whole you have risen to the challenge pretty well. The most effective and enjoyable part for me is where you describe the tree interacting with generations of children. I really love this section.

Elsewhere I found the flow of the poem a little choppy in places. Reading it out loud may alert you to places where some editing is necessary.

The idea of the tree wearing a mask of death in winter is an interesting one. At first I wasn't sure it works because of the paradox of it being masked when it's most naked and shedding the mask in spring when the leaves return. The more I read the poem though, the more I like the quirkiness and originality of the idea.

I'm less convinced by the idea of 'father' and 'son' winds. This really didn't work for me. Of course this is just my opinion.

You have some much stronger imagery elsewhere. I particularly like the image of the 'firecracker frozen in the air' in the first stanza.

In your third stanza you have the lines:

Snow, flood and insects batter its bark each year;
and each year, for over one hundred years,


The repetition of 'each year' so close together is very jarring especially with 'years' also occuring in that second line. I would suggest simply removing 'each year' from the end of the first line. Then the lines would flow a lot better, and the cut doesn't detract from your meaning at all.

I found a lot to enjoy in this poem. I just feel it needs a bit of an edit and polish to fulfill it's potential.

Thanks for sharing this.

Best wishes,
Mark

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308
308
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Pepper ,

I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item  contest. Thank you very much for entering round 1.

This is a fun, light-hearted poem. I'm not really a follower of Charlie Brown and don't remember encountering his mother in any of the cartoon strips I've read. I presume 'wa wa wa' is pretty much the limit of her vocabulary. I like the idea behind your poem but I did find the 'wa wa wa' got a little too repetitive and grating towards the end though. That's just my personal opinion.

The section of the poem where you write about having no rhythm and not being able to sing or dance is my favourite part of the poem. It made me smile. Luckily you don't have to sing or dance to be a poet. Otherwise I certainly wouldn't qualify. *Smile*

Lack of imagery is a bit of a weakness here. It's a fun read but there's nothing really striking about it to keep the reader coming back to it. Again. that's just my opinion.

Keep writing. I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the next two rounds.

Best wishes,
Mark

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309
309
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello Daizy May

This is a lovely positive poem about seeing the beauty in God's creation even when life seems dreary. You express a reall 'glass half full' attitude here and I like that.

This poem flows well and the regular rhyme scheme helps maintain a steady rhythm.

The reader is left wanting to know more specific detail -- more about the friend you mention, and what you did that you needed to be forgiven for. I feel there's scope to expand this poem should you wish to.

Thanks for sharing this positive poem.

Best wishes,
Mark

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310
Review of Tulips  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello ~WhoMe???~

This is a delightful little poem that reminded me of Haiku with it's nature imagery (although your poem is longer than the 17 syllables of a Haiku).

I think in your third line, 'a glow' should be one word. Also, in the same line, I would suggest changing 'Artist pallet' to 'Artist's pallet' as this makes better sense and flows more smoothly.

Many thanks for sharing this.

Best wishes,
Mark

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311
311
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello MnM ,

I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item  contest. Thank you very much for entering round 1. Although your entry was late for this round and therefore didn't qualify for any of the prizes, it still gets reviewed *Smile*

This is a rather sad poem about an elderly woman who is losing her memory. With some careful editing it has the potential to be a very poignant, powerful and emotional piece of writing.

You meet the line and syllable-count requirements of the Huitain form which was the prompt for this round. However, you've got the rhyme scheme wrong. Your poem rhymes, a b c a a d a d. The required rhyme scheme for the Huitain is a b a b b c b c.

You need to capitalise the first letter of your fifth line to be consistent.

Some of your phrasing is a little awkward; for example: 'She became a wife of Richie'. This reads a little passively, and also implies that Richie had more than one wife. This would be better worded along the lines of 'She married a man called Richie'. Also 'They bore two kids...' is awkward because 'bore' is the wrong word to use. Only women bear children. Better to say 'They had two kids...'

In your title, 'Cant' should have an apostrophe between the n and the t.

So this was a fair effort overall which shows potential. I hope you'll be able to submit a late entry for round two.

Best wishes,
Mark

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312
312
Review of Love for you  
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Numb Hands ,

I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item  contest. Thank you very much for entering round 1. Although your entry was late for this round and therefore didn't qualify for any of the prizes, it still gets reviewed *Smile*

I really like the subject matter of this poem -- the importance of a loved one. It's a beautiful sentiment expressed clearly and simply.

You did unfortunately make a few errors with the Huitain form, which was the prompt for this round of the contest. Firstly your third line only had seven syllables instead of the required eight. Then you got the rhyme scheme wrong. Your poem has the rhyme scheme, a b a b c d c d. The required rhyme scheme for the Huitain is a b a b b c b c.

Overall though, this was a good attempt that shows potential.

Keep writing!

Best wishes,
Mark

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313
313
Review of Waves  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello Sophy

This is a powerful and effective little poem about the suffocating effects of 'heartache and grief', and how such intense feelings can seem like the emotional equivelent of drowning.

On first reading I found the way you've chosen to break up your lines quite awkward and unnatural. However, on subsequent reading, I now think your choices of where you end your lines are very clever. When read aloud the structure of the poem has a breathless effect that fits really well with your subject matter.

Well done with this, and thanks for sharing it.

Best wishes,
Mark

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314
Review of Auto-Bio Poem  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello Angelica- Happy July 4th!

You have an interesting collection of poems here on a wide range of subjects. You have some nice imagery and show a lot of creativity. I think you have some real talent and a lot of potential.

I like the way you start with an autobiographical poem which gives the reader some insight into the person writing these poems.

These poems are all non-rhyming free-verse. It can be difficult to get such unstructured poetry to flow smoothly but, on the whole, your work is nicely paced. I think reading your poems aloud can help you hear those places where the pacing is more uneven and pick up on phrases which may be a little awkward and need some editing.

I like the way you start with an autobiographical poem which gives the reader some insight into the person writing these poems.

I think these poems could use another read through and careful edit as I did spot a number of errors.

Here are some suggestions I have for possible improvements. You may disagree with me and that's fine. I'm just giving my personal opinion so take anything you find useful and discard the rest:

*Note1* Your most common mistake throughout these poems is to miss letters out of words. Here are just a few examples:

'I'm from NE and mountais' Should be mountains.

'Hidden iside rocks
Sunken iside a pirate ship' In both these lines 'iside' should be inside.

'no breeze blowig,' (blowing)

'after the full moon comes out rom' (from)

There are many more cases of this.

*Note2* You end you first poem with

'Resident of the deepest part in the abyss'


I think 'of' would work better than 'in' here.

*Note3* 'Piis out of the pod and pineapples' I really like the alliteration in this line (from 'Where I Am From') but it should be 'Peas' rather than 'Piis'.

*Note4* In 'Lincoln High Marching Band' your line, 'in the heat outside out onto the football field' reads awkwardly. You don't need both 'outside' and 'out' so choose one and cut out the other.

*Note5* In the same poem I found the last four lines very difficult, awkwardly phrased and hard to make sense of:

The following silence
ghostly whispers fill the air
arrives when the bands goes
low into the hole


I think some punctuation may help as may some slight rephrasing. Also 'bands goes' should be 'bands go'. Your last line leaves me wondering what 'hole' you're refering to and why the bands would go there.

*Note1* In 'Spinach', 'nose pulgs' should be nose plugs.

*Note2* In 'Butterflies' you write 'different kinds different colors'/ Here you need a comma after 'kinds'.

*Note3* In 'Fiction For You' you open with the lines

I travel into your shadows
soaking up every word you say


That first line is wonderful, and quite possibly my favourite line in this whole collection. I think you should alter the next line though, by changing 'say' to 'write' as you're talking about the written word rather than the spoken word.

*Note4* In the same poem, I like your reference to Stephen King and C.S. Lewis as these are two of my favourite authors. However you need to correct your spelling of Stephen as you've spelt it with a 'v' instead of 'ph'.

I hope these suggestions are helpful.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Keep writing!


Best wishes,
Mark

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315
Review of Witch Trials  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello spidey

This is a compelling, fictionalised, first person account of the famous Salem witch trials in the 17th century, previously used as the subject matter for Arthur Miller's play, 'The Crucible'.

Your use of a first person narrator draws the reader in right from the start. I also found your use of real quotes from the people involved very effective.

I have a few suggestions if you decide to go back and edit this story:

*Note1* 'the Devil could disguise itself' The Devil is usually referred to as male so I would suggest using 'himself' rather than 'itself'.

*Note2* 'Evil had descended upon us, and we will not stand for it.' I think here 'had' should be 'has'.

*Note3* 'Some of the townspeople had opposed to the trials' You don't need 'to' in this sentence.

I really like the twist at the end of this.

Did you know that current thinking puts what happened in Salem down to some form of hallucinogenic in one of the crops that was commonly eaten in the area at the time?

Thanks for sharing your take on this fascinating subject.

Best wishes,
Mark

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316
316
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello StaiNed-

Wow! I really admire your bravery in sharing such an embarassing and personal experience. I really felt for you going through all that. It was a fun read though, and I'm glad you're able to laugh about it with hindsight.

I think this story could use some further editing as I noticed a couple of errors and some awkward phrasing. Below are some suggestions for possible improvements:

*Note1* 'We hurried home to use the bathroom only to our terror to find our home locked.' Here you don't need the repetition of home, and I think 'to our terror to find' is back to front. I would therefore suggest changing this to something like 'We hurried home to use the bathroom only to find to our terror that the house was locked.'

*Note2* 'We circled around the far side of our home to where our bedroom window was located, facing the road, and happily noticed our window opened a crack.' I think this sentence is rather long-winded. It reads very awkwardly and could be tightened. How about trimming it to something along the lines of 'We circled the house to our bedroom window, which faced the road, and happily noticed it was opened a crack.'?

*Note3* In your third paragraph you change tense from the past to the present. In such a short piece I think it's better to maintain the same tense throughout. If you do keep the change then at the very least you need to signal it with a new paragraph.

*Note4* 'My sister is holding me laughing and it happens.' Here I think you could use commas around 'laughing'.

*Note5* 'because she just can't hold it in any longer laughing'. Here I don't think you need 'laughing' on the end. It reads rather awkwardly and isn't grammatically correct. If you want to keep it there I suggest expanding it to something like 'and she was laughing so hard.'

*Note1* 'and the color of my bloomers to the wind.' The phrase 'to the wind' doesn't work here, and you used it a couple of sentences before. I suggest cutting it out and ending the sentence with 'bloomers'.

*Note2* 'my sister and I' in your last paragraph should be 'my sister and me'. The rule on this is if the sentence was referring only to yourself would you say 'me' or 'I'. You then go with that. In this case you would say 'my father helps me' not 'my father helps I'.

*Note3* In your last sentence 'nevered' should be 'never'.

Many thanks for sharing this enjoyable piece of writing.


Best wishes,
Mark

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317
317
Review of My World  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello Dave

This is an interesting, insightful piece of autobiographical writing that shows the life of a rancher, and the difficulty of maintaining old traditions in a rapidly changing world.

I spotted some errors and have the following suggestions for possible improvements:

*Note1* On several ocassions you don't have a space following punctuation (either commas or fullstops) for example: 'Along with the old,there is the new.' where there needs to be a space after the comma.

*Note2* In your second sentence 'forth' should be spelt fourth.

*Note3* You write, 'the miles that a horses feet would have trod in the past'. Here horses is plural yet 'a' describes a single horse. Therefore you either need to get read of the 'a' or change 'horses' to horse's.

*Note4* 'a long,fought battle'. This should be 'a long-fought battle'.

*Note5* Where you write '1990's' you don't need the apostrophy as you're referring to the whole decade of the 90s rather than writing of something that belongs specifically to 1990.

*Note1* 'It allows a rancher to be paid,in one form or another for the future developement righs of their land'. A couple of things here. Firstly you're missing the t in 'rights'. Secondly, you either need to drop the comma or balance it with another one after 'another'. If you do keep the comma you need a space after it.

*Note2* You currently have this piece listed under 'other' but 'biography', 'experience', 'personal' and even 'nature' would all be suitable genres to put this under.

I hope these suggestions are useful. You don't have to agree with them all though! At the end of the day I'm only giving my opinion, and I could be wrong.

I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing it.

Keep writing!

Best wishes,
Mark

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318
Review of Sailing Huitian  
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ssam,

I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item  contest. Thank you very much for entering round 1.

This is a good poem about the joys of sailing, and how this can be strong enough to dispel all desire to win a race.

You've used the prompt well here, fulfilling all the requirements of the Huitain form. You do, however have one weak, partial rhyme ('gaze' which you use here to rhyme with 'race', 'pace' and 'face'). This stands out all the more as your other rhymes are strong.

I also think the middle two lines of your last stanza read rather awkwardly, and need some attention:

But sailings joy is much too strong
The horizon is now his gaze


Firstly, 'sailings' should have an apostrophe before the s. I don't think this phrasing works however as it's not sailing's joy but the narrator's joy of sailing.

In the second of the quoted lines I'm not sure saying the horizon is his gaze (rather than is in his gaze) is the best way of expressing your meaning.

I would suggest editing these lines to something like:

'But the joy of sailing is too strong
The horizon now meets his gaze'

though you may want to work on this section further to improve the rhyme word in that second line. If I can just remind you not to do any editing now until the judging for this round of the contest is complete.

Overall I think this was a good attempt, and I enjoyed reading it.

Keep writing,

Best wishes,
Mark

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319
319
Review of A Possum's Story  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello J. A. Buxton

This is a lovely, uplifting true story about how you found a wild possum among your cats, and how it became part of your family. It's a fun read for both children and adults and you tell the story with affection and humour. You use description well. I particularly like the scene with the pots and pans, and the build up to it (I can relate to walking into walls when I'm half-asleep *Smile*).

I have a few suggestions for possible improvements. This is just my opinion so feel free to disagree.

*Note1* 'Since I don't like to come home to a dark house, the light in my front room was on leaving parts of the room in darkness.' Here I think you need punctuation after 'on' (I would suggest a semi-colon or a dash though a comma would do). Also I'm not sure having 'dark' and 'darkness' in the same sentence is the best word choice. Perhaps consider changing 'darkness' to 'shadow'.

*Note2* 'a quick body count of my cats made sure that all six cats were safely in the house.' Here you don't need to repeat 'cats'. I would trim this to either 'a quick body count made sure that all six cats were safely in the house' or 'a quick body count of my cats made sure that all six were safely in the house'.

*Note3* 'I quickly opened the window all the while hoping he would take the hint and leave.' I would consider putting a comma after 'window'.

*Note4* 'the cats' dry cat food'. This reads awkwardly because you have 'cats'' and 'cat' so close together. You certainly don't need both and I would suggest removing one or the other.

*Note5* 'He'd push this little cup of food all over the floor trying to get the last few licks of food out of it.' Here you repeat 'of food' unnecessarily. I would suggest removing the second occurrence of this.

I hope these suggestions are helpful.

Thanks for sharing this sweet story.

Best wishes,
Mark

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320
320
Review of I've Been  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello Sarah

This is a wonderfully positive poem about life's ups and downs. I certainly agree that we should look at what we have in life. As someone who suffers from depression I know how hard this can be to put into practice. It's all too easy to focus on what we haven't got and to look at the things which are bad in our current situation rather than to look for what is good.

I particularly like the opening of this poem. I've been crushed, bruised and broken myself so can really relate to this.

You have an irregular rhyme scheme here but, even so, I think the poem flows very well and has a good rhythm.

Many thanks for this enjoyable read.

Best wishes,
Mark

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321
321
Review of The Beast  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello Write-fully Loti

This is a very effective little story which shows how much can be achieved with dialogue by excluding anything else.

You build up the tension nicely as Sammy's anxiety about being attacked by the beast grows.

The early mention of George's disappearance the previous Halloween is a nice touch as it adds a tangible sense of threat to the situation.

The only thing that doesn't ring true with your dialogue is that you use too few contractions. This sounds particularly forced and unnatural as your main characters are children. For example you have the little girl say 'I am too scared' when she would much more likely say 'I'm scared'.

A few other examples where I feel contractions should be used are:

'I would tell on you' (I'd tell)

'And you are only twelve' (you're)

'I will turn it off' (I'll turn it off).

There are more and it would be worthwhile reading through the story looking out for places where the use of a contraction would tighten up the dialogue and make it flow better.

I have one other suggestion for you. You write 'There’s that noise again – to the left now'. When you first mention the noise it was off to the left so I'd suggest changing 'to the left now' to 'still to the left'.

I like the surprise ending of this story. It made me smile and I think it works very well.

Thanks for this enjoyable read.

Best wishes,
Mark

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322
322
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello Cappucine

This is a great example of a 'found' poem which you've constructed from phrases in a magazine.

On the whole this technique works very well here and it results in a poem that flows really well and has some interesting turns of phrase.

Personally, and this may well just be a matter of taste, I did find a couple of phrases just a little too abstract. For example your use of 'belly intelligent' didn't seem to me to fit in as well as many of your selected phrases. Please bear in mind this is only my opinion.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing.

Best wishes,
Mark

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323
Review of The Teddy Bear  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello Jewel Busy Busy Busy!

This is a powerfully emotional piece of flash fiction that really made me feel for your unnamed central character.

You use the three items given in the prompt very effectively. I found the section with the cupcake particularly poignant and heartrending. You paint a vivid picture of lonely isolation, depicting a young woman scarred by the abandonment of one parent and the cold rejection of the other.

I love how you have your character talk aloud to herself rather than depicting this monologue as just thought. Having lived by myself for a number of years (though I'm back living with my Mum and sister at the moment), and been painfully lonely for some of that time I can really relate to this. Sometimes you just need to break the oppressive silence and hear a human voice even if it is only your own. Talking to yourself isn't necessarily an early sign of madness. Quite often it's a coping mechanism that helps to keep you sane.

I can also really relate to your character hating her birthday. My Dad died three days before my ninth birthday and for many years (especially my teenage years) that was a very tough time of the year for me.

I do have a few suggestions for possible improvements to this piece. This is only my opinion so please feel free to disagree with anything I say. Use any suggestions you think may help and discard the rest.

*Note1* In your opening sentence I think you need a comma after 'apartment'.

*Note2* In your 2nd paragraph 'mothers' should have an apostrophy before the s.

*Note3* 'Sighing, she blew out the candle and pulling off the wrapper, ate a small piece.' This currently reads as if she either ate a piece of the candle or the wrapper. I would suggest changing it to something like 'Sighing, she blew out the candle, unwrapped the cake and ate a small piece.'

*Note4* 'She pulled herself to her feet and putting the bear back on the bed she grabbed her shoes and coat' You don't need the repetition of 'she' here and I would suggest using commas around 'putting... the bed' so: 'She pulled herself to her feet and, putting the bear back on the bed, grabbed her shoes and coat' or, perhaps even better: 'She pulled herself to her feet, put the bear back on the bed and grabbed her shoes and coat'

Considering the sadness of your subject matter, I'm impressed how you're able to inject a more positive note into your ending. This is very effective, and satisfying for the reader.

Many thanks for sharing this intense little story.

Keep writing.

Best wishes,
Mark

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Review of The Golden Thread  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hello Sophy

This is a poem from your folder of poetry written in a workshop at Ghost Ranch. I couldn't help smiling when I saw that as my girlfriend is Ghostranch -- she took the name from a U2 song.

This is a short, simple poem about telling the truth. Although honesty isn't always the best choice, I believe in most situations it is, and if there was more honesty in the world it would be a much better place. So any writing that advocates honesty gets my support.

This poem flows nicely, and I particularly like your last three lines. It is so true that we listen most carefully to a whisper.

Thanks for sharing this.

Very best wishes,
Mark
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325
Review of Ariadne  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello Legerdemain .

This is an effective short poem in which an emotional journey is analogous to a physical one, the narrator wondering whether she and her partner will complete the journey together or if there will be a parting of ways. You capture the trepidation caused by this uncertainty very well.

I found your rhyme scheme a little unusual here with only the last line of each quatrain rhyming (with the last line of the other two). This works in this poem because you maintain a steady rhythm in the non-rhyming lines.

You have an extra internal rhyme in your middle quatrain and I like this a lot. Those first two lines of the second quatrain are my favourite in the poem.

I have a few suggestions for possible improvements to the poem. You may disagree with my opinion and that's fine. Take anything you find useful in my comments and discard the rest.

*Note1* You don't need the commas at the ends of the first line of each of your first two stanzas. These are grammatically incorrect and create unnatural pauses.

*Note2* I had didfficulty with your line 'neither of which can claim.' because I wasn't sure of your meaning. What can't they claim? Each other? This really isn't clear.

*Note3* In your line 'Will it be a safe travel' I don't think 'a' and 'travel' work together grammatically. I would suggest changing it to either 'Will it be safe travel' ('travelling' might even work better) or 'Will it be a safe journey'.

*Note4* You need a question mark at the end of the poem.

Thanks for sharing this.

Best wishes,
Mark

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