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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP Open in new Window. (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Hello Cappucine Author Icon

This is a great example of a 'found' poem which you've constructed from phrases in a magazine.

On the whole this technique works very well here and it results in a poem that flows really well and has some interesting turns of phrase.

Personally, and this may well just be a matter of taste, I did find a couple of phrases just a little too abstract. For example your use of 'belly intelligent' didn't seem to me to fit in as well as many of your selected phrases. Please bear in mind this is only my opinion.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing.

Best wishes,
Mark

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Review of The Teddy Bear  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Hello Jewel Busy Busy Busy! Author Icon

This is a powerfully emotional piece of flash fiction that really made me feel for your unnamed central character.

You use the three items given in the prompt very effectively. I found the section with the cupcake particularly poignant and heartrending. You paint a vivid picture of lonely isolation, depicting a young woman scarred by the abandonment of one parent and the cold rejection of the other.

I love how you have your character talk aloud to herself rather than depicting this monologue as just thought. Having lived by myself for a number of years (though I'm back living with my Mum and sister at the moment), and been painfully lonely for some of that time I can really relate to this. Sometimes you just need to break the oppressive silence and hear a human voice even if it is only your own. Talking to yourself isn't necessarily an early sign of madness. Quite often it's a coping mechanism that helps to keep you sane.

I can also really relate to your character hating her birthday. My Dad died three days before my ninth birthday and for many years (especially my teenage years) that was a very tough time of the year for me.

I do have a few suggestions for possible improvements to this piece. This is only my opinion so please feel free to disagree with anything I say. Use any suggestions you think may help and discard the rest.

*Note1* In your opening sentence I think you need a comma after 'apartment'.

*Note2* In your 2nd paragraph 'mothers' should have an apostrophy before the s.

*Note3* 'Sighing, she blew out the candle and pulling off the wrapper, ate a small piece.' This currently reads as if she either ate a piece of the candle or the wrapper. I would suggest changing it to something like 'Sighing, she blew out the candle, unwrapped the cake and ate a small piece.'

*Note4* 'She pulled herself to her feet and putting the bear back on the bed she grabbed her shoes and coat' You don't need the repetition of 'she' here and I would suggest using commas around 'putting... the bed' so: 'She pulled herself to her feet and, putting the bear back on the bed, grabbed her shoes and coat' or, perhaps even better: 'She pulled herself to her feet, put the bear back on the bed and grabbed her shoes and coat'

Considering the sadness of your subject matter, I'm impressed how you're able to inject a more positive note into your ending. This is very effective, and satisfying for the reader.

Many thanks for sharing this intense little story.

Keep writing.

Best wishes,
Mark

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Review of The Golden Thread  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hello Sophy Author Icon

This is a poem from your folder of poetry written in a workshop at Ghost Ranch. I couldn't help smiling when I saw that as my girlfriend is Ghostranch Author Icon -- she took the name from a U2 song.

This is a short, simple poem about telling the truth. Although honesty isn't always the best choice, I believe in most situations it is, and if there was more honesty in the world it would be a much better place. So any writing that advocates honesty gets my support.

This poem flows nicely, and I particularly like your last three lines. It is so true that we listen most carefully to a whisper.

Thanks for sharing this.

Very best wishes,
Mark
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Review of Ariadne  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Hello Legerdemain Author Icon.

This is an effective short poem in which an emotional journey is analogous to a physical one, the narrator wondering whether she and her partner will complete the journey together or if there will be a parting of ways. You capture the trepidation caused by this uncertainty very well.

I found your rhyme scheme a little unusual here with only the last line of each quatrain rhyming (with the last line of the other two). This works in this poem because you maintain a steady rhythm in the non-rhyming lines.

You have an extra internal rhyme in your middle quatrain and I like this a lot. Those first two lines of the second quatrain are my favourite in the poem.

I have a few suggestions for possible improvements to the poem. You may disagree with my opinion and that's fine. Take anything you find useful in my comments and discard the rest.

*Note1* You don't need the commas at the ends of the first line of each of your first two stanzas. These are grammatically incorrect and create unnatural pauses.

*Note2* I had didfficulty with your line 'neither of which can claim.' because I wasn't sure of your meaning. What can't they claim? Each other? This really isn't clear.

*Note3* In your line 'Will it be a safe travel' I don't think 'a' and 'travel' work together grammatically. I would suggest changing it to either 'Will it be safe travel' ('travelling' might even work better) or 'Will it be a safe journey'.

*Note4* You need a question mark at the end of the poem.

Thanks for sharing this.

Best wishes,
Mark

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Review of Fiery Red Hair  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Hello Daizy May Author Icon

This is a fascinating little story about what is happening in a woman's mind as she lays dying in a hospital bed. You have a nice contrast between what the people in the hospital see with what the woman sees in her imagination. Whether what she sees are dreams, memories from a past life or hints of an afterlife to come is a question the reader is left to speculate on. I like stories like this where the reader isn't explicitly told the meaning of everything. This, to me, makes the story all the more engaging.

I do have some suggestions for possible improvements. You may not agree with them all but I hope you'll find at least one or two of them useful.

*Note1* You don't need the apostrophy in 'IV's' as you mean it to be plural rather than posessive (something belonging to the IV). I do wonder, though, would she have had more than one IV? If not then you need to remove the s as well as the apostrophy.

*Note2* 'They couldn't know that one moment the old lady was wracked with pain. The next moment she was riding a galloping horse across a grassy meadow in a time before the Normans invaded Hibernia.' Here what 'they couldn't know' relates to both sentences so I think this would read better if you replace the full-stop after 'pain' with a semi-colon, making this all one sentence. Also you can tighten this up a little by removing the second 'moment' as it's not needed.

*Note3* 'the edible mushrooms she had found in the trees'. This seems to suggest the mushrooms had actually been in the trees rather than on the ground! I would suggest changing 'in' to 'in among' or 'around'.

*Note4* 'Her silver hair with wisps of red was flowing behind her.' I would consider cutting this sentence which occurs near the end of your story as it's quite repetitive -- you mention the wisps of red among the silver in the previous paragraph -- and doesn't really add anything to the story.

I've heard more than once that you shouldn't write a story without at least some dialogue but this tactic seems to work well for you here which just goes to show there are no hard and fast rules.

I enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing it.


Best wishes,
Mark

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP Open in new Window. (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Hello SHERRI GIBSON Author Icon!

This is a delightful love poem. I think it's so sweet that you co-wrote this with your niece.

The whole poem has a really positive, uplifting feel to it. I particularly like the line describing love as 'An open doorway to the heart of angels'. That's so beautiful.

I spotted a couple of errors:

*Note1* Firstly, I think the full-stop at the end of the second line of your second stanza should be changed to a semi-colon as the next two lines don't form a complete sentence and are linked closely enough with the first two lines of the stanza to form part of the same sentence.

*Note2* The last line of your third stanza is 'a feeling that has only grew.' This is grammatically incorrect and reads rather awkwardly, making the rhyme feel very forced. With 'has' the correct form of grow is 'grown' rather than 'grew'. The line works okay if you remove 'has' but then you would need to rework the previous line somehow to avoid switching from the present tense to the past tense in the same sentence. I'm afraid I don't have a solution to suggest but I'm sure you and/or your niece could come up with something if you decide to edit it.

Thanks for sharing this lovely poem. I really enjoyed reading and reviewing it.

Best wishes,
Mark

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Review of In Loving Arms  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi jaya Author Icon

This is a beautiful, uplifting poem about the warmth, comfort and solace to be found in the arms of those who love us. You have a very positive message here, and I love how you give a different example in each short stanza.

I also like how you start each stanza with the poem's title. Is this something you can be a little flexible about? I ask this because I think the first lines of your last three stanzas would work better grammatically and flow more smoothly if you were to begin them with 'In the loving arms of' rather than 'In loving arms of'.

I have two other small suggestions for you but, as with the suggestion above, don't feel you have to agree or do as I suggest! It is your work!

*Note1* In your third stanza you write, 'the man and wife'. I think you can remove 'the' and just use a comma before 'man'.

*Note2* In your last stanza you write, 'the old man’s / soul and spirit attained a new joy'. I think soul and spirit are pretty much the same thing. How about using 'the old man's / soaring spirit' instead?

Thanks for sharing this lovely poem.

Best wishes,
Mark



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Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Dan,

having reviewed the 'religious' version of this poem, written for your friend, it's great to be able to see the original and compare.

Both are great, and as I said before flow really well (good to read aloud). I must say I do slightly prefer this version.

Just to be clear I have nothing against religious writing at all. It's just in some instances I find it can be either too dogmatic or just a little too much as in rather overbearing or in your face which can be off-putting. Some people go for all that but it's not for me so much. I think with the other version what I felt was that the religious aspect overpowered the other themes of the poem (writing and insomnia) by being a little overcooked if you get what I mean.

In this version those themes are allowed more space to breathe.

Again, I like your use of rhyme and you sustain a nice rhythm throughout.

I have one little suggestion for you. That is to put commas either side of 'aware' in your second stanza as it's a little bit of an aside to the rest of the sentence.

Thanks for sharing both versions of this great poem.

Excellent work. I look forward to reading more of your writing in the future.

Very best wishes,
Mark

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Dan Sturn Author Icon

This is a great poem about journal writing during periods of insomnia. As a (somewhat sporadic) journal writer with irregular sleep patterns, I can relate to this.

This poem has a nice rhythm and smooth pace. You use rhyme well throughout.

In the first line of your 6th stanza you need to capitalise the h of 'he' for consistency. Apart from that I didn't spot any errors.

Even as a Christian, I found the religious focus of your poem a little heavy. While many readers on here would appreciate and relate to this, I think it may put some off. This is just my personal opinion/taste and I'm not suggesting you make changes. Really I just wanted to explain why I'm rating this 4.5 rather than 5.

I very much enjoyed reading this. You obviously have a real talent for poetry.

Keep writing.

Best wishes,
Mark

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335
Review of Tribulation  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi again, Ken (Hey that rhymes! Sometimes poetry just happens where we least expect!)

Thanks for introducing me to another form of poetry. I really like the Etheree as a form and the Diatelle (the form of this poem) is similar as you rightly say (if rather more demanding).

You meet all the requirements of the form, and on the whole this flows nicely.

I do have a suggestion for you:

You have the line

against self-sold shackles well sealed


I like the alliteration in this line but 'self-sold' threw me. I really didn't get the meaning behind that -- and I'm sure I wouldn't be the only reader to puzzle over that. Self-made shackles I could understand (we often put ourselves in prisons or chains of one form or other -- for example chaining ourselves to events in the past we're unable or unwilling to move on from). This would seem to fit the context of the poem better and you may want to consider it as an alternative.

In your penultimate line 'blest' seems awkward and old-fashioned to me but I can't think of any alternative to meet the rhyme exactly and retain the meaning.

Away from the poem itself, I just want to point out that in your explanation of the form the second mention of the Etheree is missing an e on the end.

Overall this is great writing.

I really like your use of internal rhyme in the fourth line.

Thanks for sharing this,
Mark


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Review of County Fair  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Ken,

Sorry it's taken a little while to check out the two poems you suggested but flu has kept me below par, and as there's always more to do on WDC than there's time for (plus I'm very disorganised) I've unfortunately let some things slip by. Still I'm here now!

This poem really evokes all the fun of the fair. It's a fine example of not just a Lento but a triple Lento. A form I didn't know until now so thanks for the education!

I love the idea of having the first word of each line of a stanza all rhyme. Something else I hadn't encountered before. This coupled with the line end rhymes creates a great flow and rhythm.

I have just one suggestion for you. In your fifth stanza you have the line

Asleep, the toddlers nod their head,


The last word here should be 'heads'. If you wish to keep the exact rhyme with 'bread' then you need to have a single toddler rather than more than one so the line reads

Asleep, the toddler nods his head.

You could have 'her' rather than his of course.

Other than that, a really great poem.

Love the picture too!

Best wishes,
Mark


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337
Review of Silent Seduction  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP Open in new Window. (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Hello Ẃeβ࿚Ẃỉtcĥ Author Icon

This is a sexy, feel-good poem about desiring the man you love as you watch him in a spa-pool.

I love your joyful play with words here, especially your use of alliteration in the first and seventh lines.

You have a couple of extra spaces here which need to be deleted; firstly before the full-stop at the end of your first stanza, and then between the last two words of your second stanza.

In your first stanza you write, 'my eyes resting upon this man'. This conjurs up the rather surreal image of your eyes, detached from your body, actually resting on him! Perhaps that's only my warped mind but it may be worth considering changing 'eyes' to 'gaze'.

Thanks for sharing this delightful poem.

Best wishes,
Mark

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Review of Thoughts on life  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP Open in new Window. (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Hello Garnet Author Icon

This is a very thoughtful and thought-provoking poem. I like the reflective tone.

Your opening stanza flows well and the repetition of words ('not', 'to be', 'things') works well.

The pace of the rest of the poem is rather uneven, however; especially in your second stanza.

I found this line particularly awkward:

To know oneself and one's destiny, the part one is to play - is divine.


This line is longer than any of the others in the poem, and that's part of the problem. The main difficulty as I see it, though - and this is only my personal opinion - is your use of 'oneself', 'one's' and 'one' all in the same line. I wonder if the best solution here is just to trim the line down to:

To know oneself and one's destiny is divine.

Staying with the second stanza, you write:

When you find your melody the Universe can sing along and
Bring you to that which is necessary.


I think this would flow better if you bring the 'and' down to the next line.

In your last stanza you have the line:

We ponder our existence, until reality calls.


Here you really don't need the comma.

I like your last two lines a lot. A very effective finish to a good poem that just requires some careful editing.

I hope my suggestions have been helpful.

Best wishes,
Mark

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review for

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A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Hello Annie Author Icon

This is a delightful piece of flash fiction for children that adults can enjoy as well. It certainly put a smile on my face - especially when I got to the lovely twist at the end.

You choose your words carefully (as you need to do with such a short piece) resulting in a fast paced, easy read.

Your dialogue seems very natural, and I like the humour throughout this little story.

I couldn't see any errors at all.

Well done for winning the daily flash fiction challenge with this. It's certainly worthy of the success in my opinion, thus the 5 star rating.

Best wishes,
Mark

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Review of Music of Love  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP Open in new Window. (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Hello Nikola~Living the Dog Mom Life Author Icon

This is a delightfully sensual poem. Sexy in a wonderfully understated way, and very romantic. This flows beautifully, the rhythm aided by subtle use of alliteration and assonance.

One section of the poem I had a little trouble with is this:

Feeling your closeness,
you take me into
strong arms.


This reads awkwardly. In the first quoted line the poem's narrator is the subject (the one who is 'feeling') then in the next line 'you' becomes the subject. The more correct grammar here would be something like 'Feeling your closeness, I am taken into [your] strong arms'. This problem can easily be solved by slight rewording. I would suggest either:

Feeling your closeness
as you take me
into strong arms.

Or, if you don't like the extra syllable:

I feel your closeness;
you take me
into strong arms.

You may have another alternative.

Apart from this there are no errors of grammar, punctuation or spelling. If ratings were allowed on this poem, and you were to make the suggested change then I wouldn't hesitate to rate this 5 stars. As it stands, I would give it 4.5.

Thanks for sharing this beautiful poem.

Best wishes,
Mark

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello

This is a beautiful free verse poem about a special friend. I'm sure Leonard must have been delighted to have such wonderful words written about him.

On the whole this flows really well. Personally, though, I think a little more punctuation (especially at your line endings) would help make this flow even more smoothly by guiding the reader as to where to pause. For example I think the following would work better with a comma or semi-colon after living:

No purpose for living
Under the influence
Of something evil


The first time I read it, I didn't pause because there was no punctuation telling me to.

I also noticed one small error. In your last stanza you write Gods'. This should be God's.

I like the way you not only show what Leonard's friendship means to you, but give a brief history of how his character dramatically changed.

I really enjoyed reading this and aim to read more of your work in the future.

Best wishes,
Mark
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342
342
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review for

GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP Open in new Window. (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive Author IconMail Icon


Hello Humming Bird Author Icon

This is an uplifting little story about twins who share a series of dreams which lead them to recognise their strengths and see their lives with new acceptance.

I love the names of your characters.

I think this story could benefit from a little editing as some of your phrasing is a little awkward in places. Below are a few suggestions I have of where improvements could be made. This is only my opinion. Feel free to disagree.

*Note1* 'Wherever their eyes could travel, only bald branches were visible'

This seems a little clumsy to me in that it reads as if their eyes could travel independently of their bodies! You also don't need the comma after travel. Sometimes it's best just to keep things simple so I'd suggest changing this to 'Wherever they looked only bald branches were visible'.

*Note2*'“Come girls break through this darkness,”'

Here you need some form of punctuation between 'girls' and 'break'.

*Note3* 'The next day, there was pin-drop silence in the whole classroom'

In such a short story it's important to cut out any unnecessary words, so as to make all your words count. Here you really don't need the word 'whole' at all.

*Note4* 'That night, the sisters had a similar dream like the previous one'

'Similar' and 'like' mean the same thing in this context so you don't need both. Either have 'a similar dream to the previous one' or 'a dream like the previous one'.

I hope these suggestions are helpful.

I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing it.

Best wishes,
Mark

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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello {suser:falguni)

You have a beautiful selection of c-notes here. I particularly love the unicorns *Smile* Donating 60% of your profits to the Simply Positive group is a nice touch - a very worthy cause to help out with.

I'm going to add this c-note shop to my favourites and will certainly be back to make purchases in the near future.

Thanks for sharing these.

Best wishes,
Mark
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Review of Yellow  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Jess,

This is a great, well organised folder of your newest works. I've now reviewed all 14 items you have on public display within it, and enjoyed them all. I notice you have a number of others set to private. I hope you'll be brave enough to share these before long. *Smile*

Some of the poems have been in the folder for awhile now and are probably ready to be moved into other folders in your port as they're not quite so new anymore.

It's too hard for me to pick out one or two favourites, and that says a lot for the consistent quality of your work.

Great stuff.

Love,
Mark *Heart*
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Review of Ghetto Head  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is quite a dark trip of a poem that powerfully describes an overwhelming fear and the pain of living with such a heightened (perhaps paranoid) emotion.

For a free form poem this flows pretty well.

You use some arresting imagery.

You use some punctuation here but it's rather inconsistent. For example you use a comma in the line

No truce in sight, no negotiations


but not after 'reopened' in

Their scabs waiting to be picked and reopened never fully healed


You also don't punctuate the ends of sentences except for a couple of question marks. More punctuation would help the reader know where to pause.

In the penultimate stanza you write 'non phased'. I think this should be either one word or hyphenated (I'm not sure which).

You've also have an extra space between your last two stanzas. I don't know if this is intentional.

This was an enjoyable if unsettling read; one I think lots of people could relate to. I know I've experienced the kind of feelings you've described.

Thanks for sharing this.

Best wishes,
Mark
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi again, Shannon!

Wow 14 c-note shops! I'm so impressed. Is there any occasion you don't cater for?! I haven't looked at every c-note you have on offer but I've seen enough to know you have some really cool ones, and at good prices too.

I've added this c-note chalet to my favourites, and am sure I'll be returning pretty soon.

Many thanks for making all these c-notes available.

Very best wishes,
Mark
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Review of WDC cNotes  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Shannon,
You've got a lovely selection of c--notes here that are really useful around WDC. I just purchased one to thank a dear friend for a generous gp gift which is going towards purchasing my next upgrade.

Many thanks for making these available.

Best wishes,
Mark
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Review of The ocean  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello An apple a day.... Author Icon,

I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item Open in new Window. contest. Thank you very much for entering round 3.

This is a beautifully descriptive poem about the ocean. You use description very well. You've followed the prompt and successfully met all the requirements for a chain of Whitneys. Overall this flows nicely.

I do however have one suggestion:
As none of your other lines rhyme, I found your use of rhyme in the last stanza quickened the pace a little unnaturally. I think this problem can be resolved very simply by chinging the word order in one of your lines from 'and rock gently' to 'and gently rock'. You still keep the rhyme of 'gently' with 'me' from the previous line but there is a difference. The line break emphasises the last syllable of the line so moving the second rhyming word to the middle of the line softens its effect so it doesn't have the same impact on the pacing of that section of the poem. If you read both versions of the poem aloud you'll probably be able to hear the slight difference. This is only a suggestion, however. You may disagree.

This was a really pleasurable read. Thanks for sharing.

Best wishes,
Mark

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello SummerLyn Guthrie Author Icon,

I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item Open in new Window. contest. Thank you very much for entering round 3.

You've used the form of the Whitney well here. I like your theme of rebirth and the continuation of life.

I do feel the flow of this is a bit choppy and disjointed though.

I also feel that either you need either to punctuate the end of your third line (probably just a comma) or to change 'whither' in the fourth line to 'whithers'. That's just my personal opinion though, and I could be wrong.

Overall I enjoyed this. Good effort. And the picture is a nice bonus!

Best wishes,
Mark

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In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello An apple a day.... Author Icon,

I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item Open in new Window. contest. Thank you very much for entering round 2.

This is a wonderful, feel-good poem in celebration of your Grandson's birthday. You convey the sense of joy and wonder really well. I love the humour here.

You choose your words well and the poem flows beautifully.

The only negative point I have to make is that you could use some extra punctuation in a couple of places for clarification, and to aid the flow.

The first time I read:

'I bake a cake chocolate and sweet'

I stumbled for a second, thinking you'd got cake and chocolate back to front. I realised my error by the end of the line but it did trip me up and may cause other readers to stumble. A pause after cake would solve this so I suggest adding a comma. Another example is at the end of the first line of your fourth stanza. I think a comma would be helpful here.

Your last couplet makes for a strong finish to a great poem and put a smile on my face. Many thanks for that.

Best wishes,
Mark

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