Wow those last words gave my a chill.
Great horror story. You succeded at making me feal the fear of the protagonist and keeping a pace that kept me scared. The naration gave me the feeling of an adult remembering his childhood. It had a mix of elements coming from an adult with childish expressions (especially the metaphors).
Nothing knocked me off while reading, which is essential to this kind of stories.
Also the trick of letting the story ease up, so that you can present the aftermath, and then give one last chill with the previously unheard warning, was done perfectly.
The story could use a little more description, mostly for the characters, but perphaps you wanted to keep a strong pace.
Great work! Keep writing stories that stirr our fear!
Very good story. Especially for coming up with it on the spot. You should edit it a bit more though. There were some punctuation errors and you should format the dialogue a bit better. In some point i had to go back to make sure i knew who was talking that made me lose the rythm of the story. Otherwise it kept me going and had me on my toes. Very tense and a lot of suspence. I am very interested to see what else you ve written. If this is your hasty work I am excited to see your more serious stories.
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