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1
1
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Nathii Reviews
Little Devil

Dear Blayre,

You have asked me for reviewing your story quite some time ago. Due to my duties in the "real life" I could not do it earlier. Yes, I remember, you are that girl who is not afraid of using historical background for setting her stories. From what I recall you're a really young person, but it would be really fun if you could use language from the times you describe ;) Then again, I probably demand too much; I wouldn't be able to understand ;).

Since we're at your vocabulary, it truly impressed me, because you don't repeat yourself and you describe situations with ease findning new and new words for them. You can also be sarcastic playing that tune, like here,

What? Well, I couldn't very well tell him with Mother in the room the real reason the book was out. But I must say something. I certainly could not affirm such a statement. If I ventured to tell him of the writers I had a much greater love for, he might be lead to believe I actually enjoyed conversing with him and intended to encourage his pursuit of me, which was certainly the last thing I wanted to do. So I simply murmured a meaningless, "Oh."

My tip would be to reduce adverbs and rather replace them with the verbs. Sometimes there are also too many words, so even if they're funny, the plot isn't too fluent because of them; mhh I had the feeling you have more potential in packing the action into your pieces. Otherwise we have a soap opera in Lucy Maud Montgomery style, and this is what you'd probably prefer avoiding. For example, opened a book and began to read. You'd get a more sci-fi effect trying to read a book without opening it, if you know what I mean ;) Overusing past perfect tense also is unnecessary in my opinion. Past simple would do.

I haven't read next chapters yet, but I hope they'll be more flowing, because overall the idea of the plot speaks to me. I liked the fragment where you described all the men interested in the protagonist ;)

best greetings,
Nathii
2
2
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hello,

I'm sorry I took so much time with my review, but I've been busy. I must admit I like reading your stories. They remind me of childhood. I can easily spot white and black characters, and the change in the bad ones. I especially liked your story about the boys running - you made an excellent character development there, and I think this of your stories a little bit lacks it.

It does have a dynamic introduction into the story, but I wish I knew more about Laila's reasons of being this way, not just stating a fact she was like that. Maybe that she wanted to be popular or something...? When the kids who are laughed at read these sentences, they also see the weaknesses and situation of their school "enemies."

The part about saving Laila's brother is maybe a bit cliche, but it suits here. A story for children shouldn't be too long, because they must keep attention focused, so you have the right length, and the seaside action fits into the dynamic plot.

Now, a bit of technical stuff.

*Idea* They were always together in school but they had one big problem. comma before "but"

Anyway, you write "problem." For them it was not a problem - maybe replacing it into "nasty feature" would be better?

*Idea* All, except, Laila and Maria. second comma not needed

*Idea* Nobody talked to Laila and Maria for the rest of the day but they did not care. comma before "but"

*Idea* sea-side seaside

*Idea* hugging__a wet, incessantly__her brother. editorial

Well, yeah, nice story and the title suits it much.

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
3
3
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hello Steven, thanks for trusting me and posting your book on my review forum.

*Idea* The first thing that makes me aware as a reader. We don't know the age of the child, but she's probably small as she asks Dad to tell her a story. And what does the father do? Uses the words uhh, you know which words. The father doesn't look like a sociopath and should be more careful with vocabulary.

*Idea* You get philosophical at the beginning of the story. As you marked it romance/love, you probably lost many readers, hence no reviews. I think it was a nice read (however, you practically didn't mention anything about the end of the world, and maybe anyway you should), but maybe some more real life action, maybe something humorous giving hope that the story develops, will be helpful.

It's nice later the narrator marks this story is never coherent and so on. How about moving this part at the beginning, so the readers know where they're at?

*Idea* “That's enough for now I think, don' you think?” "don't"

*Idea* Be careful with the adverbs. They rather tell than show. They are the false friends of the author. When you get a chance, try to use rather varied strong verbs. They move the story forward.

There are also other tricks to be used.

he just started to continue => "continued"

*Idea* Coming to a tree of a particularly wide nature he sat with his back prostrate against it. comma before "he"

Overall Thoughts

It's a unique story with wonderful character development. We get to know the father through his story and a parental attitude, and the daughter - through her questions and clever observations, like the one about the fight.

Keep writing ;)

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
4
4
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi Brittney,

I saw your request on the request review page. I also read the previous two chapters, to know where I'm at. As for Chapter 3 and not only, you need the spare lines between paragraphs and in dialogue. It's a standard on this page which makes the stories read better *Smile*

I like your narration style; I think Marjorie is a believable character. You're also humorous.

I remained in there for a few moments in a position that resembled a victim in an episode of CSI. *Laugh*

You manage to keep the story tight and the monumentum of the chapter (the conversations at the house) is in a good proportion comparing to the beginning and the end.

You're writing a cool novel for the teens; the vocabulary is nice enough, and I haven't spotted any punctuation errors.

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
5
5
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi Judity,

At first, good luck in the contest and in keeping your 2008 resolutions. They seem approachable and nice. I incessantly enjoy you narration skills, however I was just thinking of the tips to make it more humorous, when I figured you didn't sign it as a comedy, so probably it wasn't your goal. However, I did smile here and there. Especially when you wrote about what you don't know in poetry and that there is Google. You use Google once close to another. How about changing one to "Wikipedia?" It also does the job ;)

The line that you're mean with GPs was extra funny *Laugh*.

It's a good idea to explora the unknown genres. You did very well in erotica, so for sure you'll do well also in other stuff.

I have a question if "on rarest of occassions" is necessary. I think it would go smoothier without it, and besides, in the next sentence you ask yourself if if you are able to do it. If you do on those rare occassions, you should already know.

Well... yeah. Happy 2008.

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
6
6
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi,

The description stuff comes easily to you, and as much I know you didn't write an action movie script, the long descriptive part you start with is boring. The stories shouldn't always start with setting the background. Then ages happen till you get to the point of the story. If it was my story, I would start with a coffin, and as I narrate, I would put the background sentences here and there, to give an image, but to not bore. The readers tend to skip the descrptive parts in one paragraph. Of course, the story is *yours* and I am only a humble reviewer *Delight*.

Anyway, you write very well.

Good luck.

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
7
7
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi Mara,

I continue reading the story about Cindirealla. Or rather, Tinkerbella ;) You still use the nice words and we also learn more about the characters. I admit I especially liked Abby. She's funny.

This sentence is very cool.

Ean’s gaze ran knowingly over the willowy gothic beauty, making note of the inch and a half, locked, stainless steel collar around her pale throat

It was brave of you to make a not-much-speaking Erin the main character, but it starts to work. She's a nice contrast to Ean and Abby.

I'd love to read more and I will. Cheers!

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
8
8
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi Char,

Thank you for trusting me and putting your story on my review forum. You're mainly a poet, and you know the power of words, which only made good for the story.

*Idea* It's seeking a hole in the whole, but your paragpraphs are a little mess. Once you use a tab, once not, and you don't make line spaces at the dialogue and the other places that needed. It would read better if you used them.

*Idea* People like me jump straight onto the bandwagon of life without a backward glance and (almost) never encounter a single bump on the road. I like this sentence a lot, except of it is too long ;). I think ditching "straight" would make it sound better. Your call.

*Idea* who is chief editor "the chief" ? *hmmm.*

*Idea* zillion stories of her own and others to tell. again it might be too long. Just "zillion stories to tell." Yeah, I follow the rule when you can use one word, don't use a...zillion ;)

*Flower2* I think the opening paragraph was good, and I definitely want to read more. This isn't always the case in the stories I decide to review.

*Idea* remark that they had turned into a couple of hyenas "that" isn't needed

*Idea* You see, I like parenthesis and find your comments in them funny, but some people despise them. Take it into consideration. I see you're a big fan of brackets.

*flower* {c:/blue}But that girl—that girl… God, even my thoughts were sputtering now. *Delight* Comedy alert!

*Idea* I am around here and I already know how it will finish. It's not my fault and not your fault. The bloody genres, those mean spoilers, grrr!

*Idea* “freak of nature”, comma inside a quote

*Flower2* Sometimes, with my friends, I’d act a little out of character. Very natural. It's about each of us, I think.

*Idea* You overuse the word jock. Try to replace it here and there, or just ditch it.

*Idea* I asked hotly Be aware of the adverbs. In the tags, they rather tell than show, and you need the latter.

*Idea* Yeah, that was what I really thought then. spoiler alert

*Idea* a ploy by the popular kids. Us. The popular kids. I think it's okay to just write "by us, the popular kids."

*Flower2* I absolutely loved the way you described the comparizon of the scenes on the pitch and in the cafeteria.

Overall Thoughts

It was a great read, and because of mistakes I can't give more than 4.0, but I really loved the story and the characters. You captured them so well. Keep writing, you really really should!

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
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by Nathii M. Author Icon
9
9
Review of Puppy Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi Rainy,

I'm reviewing you like I promised :) I'm glad you finally finished this story and decided to publish it :)

I wouldn't be myself if I didn't whine about the improvements.

*Idea* The great idea is to use double spaces between paragraphs and separate all the dialogues. It really helps. At first, I wasn't used to it myself, I thought that items were artificially long and discouraging for the readers, but now as I keep reading, I think it's a brilliant idea.

*Idea* But something about him was breathtaking, stunning even. It doesn't read very well. Either ditch breathtaking or stunning, or add an adverb instead of the second verb. I *know* all this talk about adverbs being the evil, but wisely used they don't do harm. Or, maybe just say "intriguing?" It's a multi-dimensional word.

*Idea* “Uh, what kind of gift?”

"a gift" *hmmm*

*Idea* She’s eight, and just come to live with me because her parents died a few months ago. punctuation alert.

You either take the comma before "and" away, or add "she" before "just." Another comma before "because."

*Idea* He’s a real sweet puppy, and very affectionate. I see there's some stuff with these commas before "and." The rule I've been told is that yes, in majority of cases it's needed, but when the following part wouldn't make an independent sentence there is no comma. I thought I'd let you go through the story and decide where it needs a fix. I'm still not very familiar about it ;)

*Idea* She was much cuter than the puppy, and looked just as affectionate. *Laugh*

*Idea* to many romance novels "too"

*Idea* holding him to tight.” "too tight" grrr!

*Idea* “He ate all the nickels from my lunch money. I guess he didn’t like the quarters.” Becky peered anxiously over Janey’s shoulder and repeated her question.
“Is he gonna die?” hilarious!

Overall thoughts

You have some good material in this draft. My rate is the combination of the current state and the potential. I think it's funny and cute, and you have a talent for the story-telling. I've also noticed the decreasing number of errors as the story develops ;) You may work more on the area where Janey and Ben meet. The comments in italics do a lot, but there's a place for the improvement in narration. The story has a good pace, but in that part you shouldn't be afraid of using some cool vocabulary you surely have and I don't ;). Take your time, sometimes the great ideas come even few weeks after writing something. This romantic comedy is worth coming back to it and polishing it.

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
10
10
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi Judity,

Congratulations on winning the prize with this item. It was worthy. I practically enjoyed it whole, and as you know I like the way you write, so it's hard to make suggestions... however.

It's more editorial.

The comments of narrator get mixed with the quotes and it happens all the time, which makes the story more difficult to follow. Consider making more spaces between the lines.

The other thing is that you used the double qquotation mark (at hotel's name) inside of a quote, while I was told in such situations we put only the single one '.

Keep writing and inspiring,

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
11
11
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hello Lawrence,

It's a beautiful poem. I know you spoke out your state of mind at this one. Wonderfully spiritual. ?Your word usage is really good.

However, fix the comma thing, unless it was conscious. You make unnecessary spaces at the commas.

Another thing that may bug some. It's very narrative as for the poetry. Not each line, but this one sounds artificial

Though the life and energy of this day may no longer be visible (I'm sure you know some cool metaphores)

Maybe you'd also decide to replace growing more and more complicated

This one is also prose.

After all, *you* are the author and you know yourself what you want to say. I could only give a reader's opinion :)

Have a great New Year,

Nathii
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12
12
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hello Jack,

Thanks for the trust and asking me for a review.

It's a good poem, I liked it. It quite contains the tips for reacting to the world's madness *Smile*. It was a delightful way to lead one to serenity.

I think the stanzas which don't start with "The" are better written and more logical. In the second group I liked the way you began each verse and that you didn't chase for a rhyme, but it came naturally here and there anyway.

Poetry is something very personal, and this poem is *yours* and not mine, however if it was mine, I would use much stronger words in the first three stanzas to mark the contrast, and I would ditch the three "the" stanzas from the middle. In fact, they don't bring anything except of the length.

Have a nice New Year,

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
13
13
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi Mara,

I read in your bio block you're a Scorpio (me too), and I decided to give your novel a try. Well, the first chapter at least *Smile*.

And so the story goes:

*Idea* it was in those artic blue orbs I think you meant "arctic"

*Idea* It looks like you have a thing for eclipses in the description. Consider some diversity - dashes, commas, colons... (... *Smile*)

*Idea* Some people don't like the too long descriptions. I bet you've received some reviews saying that people demanded more action at the beginning. To me, descriptions are necessary and as the real action follows soon, it's okay.

*Idea* I adore the way you build the sentences, for example this one: The smell of perspiration, garlic, stale cigarettes, and expensive cologne took her breath away causing her already volatile tummy to pitch dangerously.

I think it's awesomely written and makes me want to come back for more. But you know that the reviewers are more petty than the readers and tend to seek a hole in the whole, so I would like more interaction between the "couple." Erin doesn't really say much or we don't know her thoughts too well. We read about what she is doing, but she resembles a book character, and not a person. Still, for the amazing technique of word usage, I'm giving an additional half of a star ;)

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
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14
14
Review of Connor and I  Open in new Window.
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi Noelle,

I think it's cool so young people not only write, but also share their work and ask for improvement. I'm also glad you've already changed that horrible font. This one reads much better, yay!

My thoughts

*Idea* We lie in the sand as the sun set.

It's a mix of tenses. "Lie" is present simple, "set" is past simple. They can't go together. If you want to keep the story in present simple, then you need "sets." However, you may consider also past or present continuous for sun's activity is/was setting

*Idea* I liked the way you described the sky. I imagined it right away. People may talk what they want about the font's colour (well, "colour" is a British spelling; I saw the others schooling you on using "color"), but for me it suits.

*Idea* who agreed to come to the beach with me earlier that day Not sure if you need "earlier that day." I guess you haven't stayed there since yesterday :)

*Idea* From building our first sandcastle to killing the “monster” that lived in my closet, (the monster turned out to be a gigantic green sweater, but we still stabbed it with our plastic dollar store swords!).

Consider making the phrase in brackets a separate sentence.

*Idea* We had never shared anything more then friendship "than" Anyway, I skimmed your text yesterday and that paragraph was much worse. Awesome re-wording.

*Idea* I would consider the commas here. Yes, his looks were nice, but his personality was what attracted me to him, even in kindergarten.

*Idea* He couldn’t be….. flirting with me could he? You don't need so many dots *Smile*, also I suggest a comma before "could he."

*Idea* Time stoped stopped ;)

*Idea* His positioned an arm one the opposite side of my waist, "he positioned"

The Summary

Remembering it's a story for the teens, I have to say you beautifully captured the characters. I stayed smiled all the time. It was so cute, but also well written in terms of word usage. Another thing that impresses me is that you listen to the tips of reviewers. Some people keep ignoring everything they hear. I believe your talent will develop very quickly. Good luck with everything,

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
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by Nathii M. Author Icon
15
15
Review of Black Gates  Open in new Window.
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi Jennifer,

Your review is very special, because for the first time I'm using "Review Tool" on WDC. It remembers my signature. Smart stuff *Laugh*. I have a soft spot for prefaces these days and I'll try to tell you the things I want to hear on my own novel. I also have a soft spot for the Scotts, because Scotland is the only English speaking country I've ever visited (three days only, but it still counts, aye.)

The genre choice

It was good. Psychology / Relationship / Tragedy. I don't see much on a relationship in this piece, it will probably develop as the story goes, so maybe you consider choosing different genres for each chapter, depending on what the current one is describing. I would suggest "Thriller/Suspence" instead of "Relationship" for this one, and would put it in front of "Psychology." You content rating +13 is appropriate.

The character

Lou is the only character we get to know. It's important to introduce the protagonist already at the beginning - it calms the reader down ;). You did it and it's great. I think you revealed enough for the prologue. You focused more on the action, only hinting the plot issues, but it worked fine for me, and I think it should look just like this.

And so the story goes

*Idea* I thought you would like to read about the ML codes. You will find them just over the box where is your item text, or in the "Site Tools" in the menu. For example, if you want the italics, you don't write <i> but { i } (without spaces).

*Idea* Lou ran faster than she ever had before.

It's a good first sentence. However... Lou ran faster than she has ever had before.

*Idea* Her torso leaned forwards and her short legs burned as though they were struggling to keep up.

Be careful with the run-on sentences. You need a comma before "and."

*Idea* past two small children playing in a pretty, leafy garden.

You deconcentrate the reader by giving too many details in the piece that needs tension. "The children playing in the garden" should be enough.

*Idea* Lou realised she didn't know exactly what she had been looking for until she saw the black school gates and felt a swoop of relief.

Comma before "until."

*Idea* She let out a scream of panic, frustration, helplessness.

I think "and helplessness" would sound stronger.

*Idea* She tried again to run even faster than she ever had before but she could not, and so she fell, landing on the pavement hard.

This one reads awkward to me. At first, the repetition of "she ever had before" is unnecessary.

*Idea* cliffhanger *Laugh*

Overall thoughts

As you see, I spotted kind of many dodgy little things in the short piece, but I have the good news for you. I *am* interested in what happens next. I think all these details can be fixed, but this chapter has a potential and can be truly scary. Maybe you should add more Lou's adventures. Don't split your writer's attention for the details. It's the piece of action, so show me the action.

Keep writing!

Nathii
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16
16
Review of Real Hearts  Open in new Window.
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi Rainy,

Thank you for being so kind with reviewing me and stuff. Of course, I got the urgent need of knowing you better *Smile* and reviewing you back.

Ouch, that's a pretty emotional piece! I am not too much into the gossip stuff, it could be about Jennifer Aniston and also about anybody else. I liked it.

Especially this line was good:

Smiling hurts. Brushing my hair hurts. Friends asking me if I want to talk, that hurts me. But not you. You didn’t hurt me.

I also think you captured well the hesitations of such a hurt person. I saw two things that didn't work so much for me.

I was only a shell, I didn’t have anything real to give, so what I lost wasn’t real.

I think this "shell" thing is unnecessary, but it's your call. Try to read the whole beginning with, and then without it.

If I was real, if I wasn’t pretty and shiny and everywhere, plastered on every magazine cover, maybe you could have hurt me.

The bolded fragment is too long. I think you would get a better effect throwing away one of these features. Just try to read it again and answer yourself how it works to you.

But yeah, you can write the emotional pieces. It's good.

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
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17
17
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hello,

Thank you very much for reviewing me and I am happy I can give the favour back via the request on my forum. By the way, enjoy WDC!

As you already know, I'm not a native speaker, so my suggestions are only the suggestions *Laugh*.

*Idea* Alex lives his life through lists. How about "the lists"?

*Idea* The second sentence. Horribly long and probably you forgot yourself at the end what you were trying to say at the beginning. Blame the lack of the verb perhaps. My great English teacher and the current #1 at the most credited reviewers' list (chicochica) always warns me from the packs of words like that saying, it's a "part" of the sentence, not the sentence itself.

*Idea* Alex sits at a table "the table" ? (*scratches her pretty forehead*)

*Idea* French restaurant because the previous Tuesday, comma before "because"

*Idea* She is pretty and despite her trim build is an effortlessly imposing figure.
consider:
She is pretty, and despite her trim build, is an effortlessly imposing figure. I think "despite her trim build" is something extra in the sentence, and needs to be marked with the commas.

*Idea* I liked the description of Alyssa/Alicia. Short but vivid.

*Idea* There's the pottery class at the local community college he always wanted to take "has always"

*Idea* In the sentence above (I didn't quote everything) I don't think you need the colons. I believe commas are enough.

My overall impressions

Despite all I have spotted, it's an inventive piece and I bet it asks for extending. You choose the good words and have a general thought. If you're not planning to make it longer, you have to work on a better finish. This one comes out of the sudden and isn't strong enough to "buy" me as a reader.

Have a nice holiday and the New Year,

Nathii
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18
18
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Another shivering story, and another issue with no paragraphs. Really good, and very touching.

(Hmm, I actually wonder why you have the average 4.0 for it; maybe a matter of taste.)

The finish almost pushed me on the ground. I love when the point is said in just few words. The fewer, the better. It's the art, I guess.

But I've spotted something what can cause you troubles. Don't ignore all these "content ratings" that are required for the items. This one is +13 for me, and the previous ones also weren't E. Please, take a closer look. The mods are very strict about it.

(I'm European, I had big problems with the ratings at the beginning; something that for me would be barely +13, for them was XGC, but I think I started to read the American minds now, too.)

Nathii
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Review of A flight  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Oh my, this one was really interesting! Normally not something I would probably bother reading, but I did, and I'm glad.

Again, the good narration and word usage. But the most I enjoyed how you packed so much into such a short story.

The only thing I could suggest (As you see, it doesn't affect my rate.) is separating the dialogue. Little things really help reading.

Nathii
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Review of Grace  Open in new Window.
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hey again, here is another review out of these you requested.

This piece I liked much more than the previous one. It's very mysterious and disturbing. You really showed off with the verbal diversity. Also, the topic is *very* original.

However.

Now the part for my complaints.

*Idea* The sentences, as great as they are, are too long. Too many too long sentences in a description. The short ones aren't here as much required as in the action pieces, but the mix would prevent a reader from being tired.

*Idea* I get your idea about the composition, but for the same reason as above, I would split the first huuuge paragraph in two. It would read easier.

*Idea* Time to get familiar with some other punctuation signs than commas and periods. Adding some colons (they should be sticked between the separate clauses, I believe) and suchlikes would make the story more vivid.

I give you 4.5 for originality.

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
21
21
Review of Habits  Open in new Window.
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi Gabriel,

It's a good story. You may get some higher rates for it than the one I give you, but it's a matter of taste probably.

Undoubtedly, there were moments I truly liked. For example, blowing into coffee under given circumstances, changing after winning the lottery, or this sentence:

They were grown urchins, having been caught unprepared by adulthood and every subsequent phase of their lives.

You know your words and punctuation well.

So, what was my problem? You say a lot about "he," "she." It's hard to follow. I don't know who these people are, and if we are talking about the same "she" all the time. Is it really the waitress? If so, how does she have the capacity to observe, if she wouldn't look anybody in the eye? It was my only pain, but an important one.

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
22
22
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi,

Thanks for a read. It had a nice flow, and the topic maybe seems boring at the first glance, but there's a chance you make it interesting. However, there's a chance you more get a reader inside it. Not sure how much problems with gambling your character has, but to me, it would be a great opening scene if he lost his whole small salary, and then resigned, went slowly home to this ruined hotel. He would have 1,5 h of sleep.

Mhh, probably this isn't what you will be planning to tell us in your novel, but this *would* be a drama, not a single doubt.

Also, as usual with chapters, you need a cliffhanger at the end.

Another thing, not sure if I want to read so much about some painters. First chapter, so I need to know as much as I can about the protagonist.

I would see it being re-written, so didn't pay much attention to editorial issues, however, I believe the capital letter at "Knew" is redundant:

Any person, whether they hail from wild rose country or Ljubljana, Knew this man meant bussiness.

Keep writing!
Nathii

 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
23
23
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi,

Enjoy WDC! I'm glad you joined, because you have some cool energy! I'm recently in mood for reading the YA novels, so I hope you continue with this one.

You see, the fact is, the chapter is very short, and you have much more material in it, that would help us learn more about Savannah.

The first paragraph is really cool and catchy. However, getting familiar with a spellcheck would be a desired thing.
three hundre dollars
(This and more.)

My general thought about this piece is that it more resembles a school essay. Yes, it's funny and inventive, but when you write a novel, you shouldn't be afraid of longer descriptions and building tension. I know it's a comedy, but there's also place for a sadder tune when you write about her parents. I've noticed you have an ease of writing and the comedy sense: why not being more graphic when describing Savannah's jobs? Also, we would like to know her character better. You say she's shy and looks geeky; okay, YOU know more details about her - we don't.

Also, as your work on the novel continues, be careful to make every character remarkable. Each of them should have features than the other don't. It's important in the comedy - you can use the contrasts for the effects. I also hope you have some plot in your head; too often I've seen people writing for the sake of it, not knowing where it goes, and the effects were miserable sometimes.

You have a good finish of the chapter; leaves me curious to what happens next.

As for the topic, it has been played in a thousand different ways (lately: "Nanny in New York," "Ugly Betty.) but it still has the potential to be a smilebringing story.

Good luck!

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
24
24
Review of Forbidden  Open in new Window.
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi Betty!

Oh gosh, I felt how my heart was falling apart when I was reading your story! You see, I am going through something similar, just hoping I'll never go so much downhill like you did. Your essay was an inspiration for me, probably for many women like us as well, and kudos for that.

Things I liked

Some phrases were just kicking off. Amazing. You surely know which ones they were, but I'll bring here a few:
Soon, was his reply. Soon.
I was becoming an emotional wreck. This is not how love is supposed to be.
I didn't kill myself literally, but I did it in every other way possible. - personal award from me for this sentence!

I also liked the proportions between description of meeting the guy, describing your life "together", and talking about what happened later on.

Areas for improvement

*Idea* Not sure, but haven't you forgotten "with" before "a man" in the first sentence? I'm not a native speaker, so apologises if it also works this way, but I've only seen versions with "with" ;) so far.

*Idea* I think omitting the first "and" in the last sentence of the first paragraph wouldn't be a bad solution. A comma should be okay, IMO.

*Idea* Isn't it too much about the company? The company was great fun to work at - all the people were great. We were like a great, big family. I used to stay late because I had a second job and time to kill between. I don't suppose it really matters now that you had the second job. What matters, is that all people were friends in the company, so were you two, and then he... (bla bla).

*Idea* Comma before but: I hated that I didn't have him all to myself but had to share him.

*Idea* Capital letter here: "when are you going to leave?"

*Idea* Too much of abusing in this fragment, needs small corrections: I began to drink, which only increased my depression. I abused drugs, not caring enough about myself to see the harm I was doing, not only to myself but to those who truly loved me. I became became involved with a man, himself an alcoholic and drug-abuser, who mentally and physically abused me.

My general impression

I give you a 4.0, because despite all these small things, it was a good read, and a very honest piece of writing. Keep going on! I'm so proud of you that you managed to recover!

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
25
25
Review by Nathii M. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hi Roberta,

Always nice to see a person who is skilled in so many branches of art, like you are. Well done.

Now, let's move to your writing. You asked for an in-depth review. English isn't my first language, so I won't help you a lot with the grammar, but I'll do my best to help you anyway.

*Idea* This story looks more like a draft to me. It should simply be longer. This would help you build more pressure. I did like the sentence with letting the mosquitos bite (I believe, you forgot a dot there ;). It was very inventive and real. Try to seek other little, disturbing things, that can make the reader nervously jumping on their chair. Don't be afraid of graphic words usage. Describe the pain, the drama. Make it live. For now, I have an impression like you tried to rush like the thieves you describe ;)

*Idea* The opening. Very bad. Sorry. Just take a look at this sentence:
Staccato barks echoed from the house next door as Ratoncito, the skinny little kid from Los Olivos, wiggled through the broken window.

A lot of thoughts, wicked syntax, and hardly getting a reader inside. Not everybody looks at the auto-reward at first; some actually look at the first sentence. Try to make "He was a skinny, little kid from Los Olivos" a separate sentence. Your flow will benefit.

*Idea* His face was fear-blanched as he looked back at Rigoberto and asked with his eyes if he should continue. His face was fear-blanched as he looked back at Rigoberto, and asked with his eyes, if he should continue. commas are missing, it's such a type of the sentence.

*Idea* Rigoberto looked up and down the approach road and then motioned for him to go deeper into the house. comma before "and" again; be careful about punctuation, and you will avoid having your reader annoyed with not getting the sense of sentences. Also, "motion for him" is a parfum from Hugo Boss; not sure if it works in this sentence ;) Check in your dictionary (sorry if I am wrong).

*Idea* It does make an effect to name the character similarly, but only in the title. When you read quickly (the pace goes faster, the reader does their job quicker), you don't have time to reconsider which man is which. For somebody who isn't familiar with Spanish names it's a big problem.

If you decide to work on it, and I encourage you to do so (you can get something really good from this draft), feel free to send me an e-mail, so I will change my rate.

Nathii
 Nathii reviews Open in new Window. [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M. Author Icon
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