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3,093 Total Reviews Given
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451
451
Review of Ode to us  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
The set-up gets me on my feet
Those messy thoughts will not retreat
I'm wasting our time,
to put this to rhyme
but somehow, it came out quite neat.

I'm shaking my head as I go.
But stuck there, are things I don't know
But free-verse for me?
No way that could be.
Nice job with the verse that you show.
452
452
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)


Delightful, this limerick you’ve shown.
The subject is one that's well known.
We could learn from him
though chances are slim
we cannot bear ego’s millstone

Today is the limerick's day.
I figure there must be a way
to honor this verse
and not make it worse
while joining the party to play
453
453
Review of Frustration  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)

To non-believers like myself, it seems
apparent this condition can not be.
For when the light of understanding beams
we think solution’s there for all to see.

We find conditions such as you describe
as gone when truth exposes where they hide.
There must be more to this destructive vibe
than something used to conquer and divide.

But slowly, just a bit may spill our way
and let us grasp to the slippery, sloping fact
that there is really light within the gray
and though we cannot see, it’s not an act.

I hope the skills you need are tucked away
within some thought which someday comes your way.
454
454
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)

The Condor spreads his wings. The clock ticks on.
There must be something more just 'round the bend
Thoughts leaping here and there, and maybe yon
we watch the plot rush on to witches end.

Then, fingers crack and wonder lifts its head.
Up pops a shaking message to the fore.
Another link comes out to thought we dread.
A view of problems past, heaps even more.

The witch's plot propels me. (Reels me in)
I feel suspense is building, once or twice.
Then, that which I suspected starts to spin,
I sip the plot and find it ain't so nice.

Excuse my muse. He needs to take a rest,
and grasp this screenplay's outline as the best.
455
455
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
No nits to be picked with this verse
The view though could hardly be worse
That loss that you fear
is nothing to cheer.
It strikes and it needs a reverse

As always our love-life is flawed
Young lovers have scratched and they’ve clawed
They often are lost
with very great cost
by actions that should be outlawed
456
456
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A look back over decades in the dust
Shows memories best left as ancient lore.
We watch the tragic truth build up and bust,
then wait while happy times take to the floor.

But somewhere, ‘midst enlightening middle lines,
We find a price that common sense won’t pay.
Then day by day, we lose what time defines.
That's just the way it was back in the day.

We learn of Jessie's screams that reeled 'em in
and raw excitement does it, once or twice,
then others give the deed its proper spin
as gossip fills the town, that ain't so nice.

The title lets us know there'll be a way,
That's just the way it was back in the day.
457
457
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Delightful, how you’ve found this lonely spot
Where truths emerge without deserved renown.
We see our way, but let's not jump the gun.
We'll wait to see the climax or meltdown

This story dragged my thoughts from here to there
and forced perspective through the swirling fog.
Where are those long lost memories we share?
This truth has left me knee-deep in a bog.

You caught me, with these thoughts I should have had,
and now, I see that all of it is true.
This view, through reader's eyes is not so bad.
It's shined a light on something I should do.

I gained a bit from what your story said,
if I can shake the fog out of my head.
458
458
Review of Prompt 1 Day 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
By opening with the question, you set the tone as an essay on that subject. This is not a bad idea for an opening scene. These three sisters are each trying to gain control of the situation. Here are a few suggestions:

When Aurora 'practically ' shouts, she weakens her attempts to get attention and your opening, which needs to grab the reader's attention. Let her 'shout!'.

Star's response is aimed at a third party, who has not yet been introduced. It comes across more as author intrusion. Let her speak to Aurora.

When Eclipse enters the scene, she simply states the obvious, which she could reasonably do as an internal thought, but would probably be more effective if directed to the two younger sisters.

Your prompt book may be just the thing to motivate a lot of story beginnings. You're on your way to getting a handle on story/article beginnings. Keep 'em coming.

All the best,
]
Norbanus
459
459
Review of This is the UFO.  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thank you so much for letting us know what we must do to join the UFO. I have always suspected there was more to the stories being spread around about aliens.

I will be on the lookout for that floating holographic sign and showing me the way to salvation.
460
460
Review of Constrained  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
You've done an excellent job of showing us the thrashing thoughts of a student trying to justify a lack of concern about rankings and grades.

It's true, many rationalize poor grades as 'just numbers' but as your essay shows, they also represent a student's unwillingness to take responsibility for their own actions. An attitude that will haunt them throughout life.

Nicely done,

Norbanus
461
461
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Tomorrow, what a grand and peaceful thought.
Just the notion prods imagination wild.
A picture of what wasting time has wrought,
A steady growing heap, but not defiled

With yesterday not getting in the way,
and unaware, at all, the trap is sprung.
The guilt trip hangs around to ruin one’s day
And plants a foot upon hell's bottom rung.

Without the least despair, we flunk the test.
The pile builds and with it our regret.
It's time to turn a page and do our best.
Procrastination smiles. 'You wanna bet?

The broken treaty flaunts another kind
of haunting, which will never leave the mind
462
462
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Blood flows and it spatters my feet
No chance of a hasty retreat
I'm wasting our time,
to put this to rhyme
but somehow, it still came out neat.

I'm shaking my head. (Time to go.)
But stuck here, with nothing I know
But blood on the soul?
A frightening role
This story has much more to flow.

You've grabbed us but we still don't know,
the turn which could make the verse grow
The forest is dark.
The choices are stark.
We now need the rest of the show.
463
463
Review of Seventeen  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Poetic verses flow in tribute here.
A worthy recognition of the past.
A muse may search vein for pain or cheer,
but here, we find a truth we know will last

We stand upon such giants, don't you know?
Such inspiration gushes from your pen
providing all with hints from which to grow,
and pointing to a stop to start again.

This treasure gathered from a land of love,
adds riches to the hoard we have in tow.
We see here, Kara standing tall for life,
And taking on the burdens we all know.

You've set a poem here that's just the thing,
to put my sleeping muse into full swing
464
464
Review of Framing  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You've done an excellent job of laying out the backstory without resorting to telling as many writers do.

The segment of the story also leaves us with plenty of brewing conflict and the potential for other drama.

This is nicely done for a first draft and could make a super story, once you've edited out the wordiness and tightened it a bit.
465
465
Review of Meaning of Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
The train runs through the station from your pen,
revealing things that we've all seen before.
Yet painted with strong and hearty ken,
to keep us reading on for even more.

Our clueless search of happiness begins
when hope and grim reality set in.
We shiver, watching others score the win,
and try to give our lives an upbeat spin.

Now, forward through the tunnel past the snow,
imagining the green of promised land.
At last, we see a light and think we know
the time when nature takes us by the hand.

You've made us wonder, will this be the year?
And shows us how our outlook checks our fear.

Nicely done,
Norbanus
466
466
Review of His Forever Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I could not bear the thought of going on,
not in the state of mind when we last spoke.
So, thoughts turned quickly to my being gone
to shuffle off the pain and mortal cloak.

When darkness veiled the bright and shining light
and caused this shift within my love of life
My nature should have saved me with its fright.
I pray that I can somehow end this strife

As agony caroused within my mind
And issues went from thoughts to something more,
the nerve I thought had but could not find;
defies the joy of lying on the floor.

Why have I failed to answer my own cry?
Oh, God, I can not even say good-bye.
467
467
Review of Man-Spell  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
In search of truth— we damn (and doubt) ourselves
With insecurities we've never solved,
So we consult the self-improvement shelves
To learn how such dilemmas can be resolved.

In search of where we are— we look behind
To find the keepers we did not collect,
And in the rearview, where a spot is blind,
We rip our backs with whips of retrospect.

In search of certainty— we plan tomorrow
with higher aspirations than today.
And so we spend the now to beg and borrow,
And treat today as if it’s in the way.

In search of peace— we rarely look inside.
We look behind, ahead, or maybe not;
But try to find someone who'll match our stride
Sometimes that does not work with who we've got
468
468
Review of High Hopes  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
To keep things to one's self is not so bad.
The feet avoid that holding to the fire.
We see ourselves, now grieving what we had
and tell ourselves it's ours. (what we desire)

With logic now, she tries to find a way,
but, all those losses are still much too young.
She grabs the chance and promptly ruins her day
and finds her foot upon hell's bottom rung.

With sadness and regret, she's flunked the test.
Determination holds the higher ground.
She knows now that she's done her very best.'
We'll sneak a peek and see just what she's found
469
469
Review of Last days  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
In search of truth— we damn (and doubt) ourselves
With insecurities we have never solved,
So we consult the self-improvement shelves
To learn how such dilemmas are resolved.

In search of truth— we wheel and look behind
To find the keepers we did not collect,
And in the rearview, where a spot was blind,
We rip our backs with whips of retrospect.

In search of truth— we're certain that tomorrow
Holds higher aspirations than today,
And so we spend the now to beg and borrow,
And treat today as if it’s in the way.

In search of love— we rarely look beside.
We look within, behind, ahead, or not;
But with a glance at those who match your stride—
MissRena stirs our memories a lot.
470
470
Review of The Fall of Gods  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Gods in decline, but also on the rise.
Can on defy what is not truly known?
We hear the truth revealed, but is that wise?
Let's turn our headphones up. (Now we're alone.)

This yarn could go 'most anywhere from here.
Potential for a series could be found.
What is that rumbling sound? Is it a cheer?
Tsidia draws in readers all around.

In truth, the tales of Gods and all such stuff
can turn yarn from good to something great.
Then maybe left alone, is just enough
to show there's more to come, it's nor too late.

This yarn does not quite take us where you said.
Thoughts of mankind's rise still fill my head
471
471
Review of Circle: Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
You might have the beginning of a story here. But, who knows. It hasn't gone anywhere yet.

Here are a few suggestions for editing SPAG:

A hall of(cut 'first use of 'of') full of people wants(want) to take a last look of mine(use 'me' instead of 'mine') as if I won't be there tomorrow, yeah hall of(cut 'of') full of people,(insert space)I was famous at my Village,(insert space)or still I(cut 'I') am for 14 more days (insert ',') as far as(cut 'as'--insert 'in the future as') I can guarantee. Looking at those faces, I can assure one thing which is that they completely believed that(cut 'that') I must be having fun after death and as by now, (insert 'have')seen the heaven. One thing which let me down,(insert space)is(insert 'that') no one is crying her heart out. I know, I was 71, will be 71, still my charm is irresistible. Lets focus on me for one time, can you all (remove space)! Where(Capitalize 'Where') to start to describe the world which I am in right now, Its(use 'It' instead of 'its') looks kind of (insert 'the')same or If I say exactly same. One good part of being dead is that you are back to being the boss of your life, I mean death or life, as it is a new life after death, like whatever who cares! so no responsibility of any kind, just one thing don't scare people. I haven't tried myself yet cuz it just been a while here, it is advisory for people who will do it, you may get caught, I have seen we are getting caught by idiotic tantriks ,common(use 'come on' instead of 'common') guys we can do better. So(cut 'so') be responsible here. While I screamed this words out ,I got surrounded by many like me ,not exactly like me, but look descent enough for their age, I mean seriously eyes still working in skeletons are decently fancy looking, isn't it. One of them came ahead ,told me something like Who are You? cuz I am smart man and can read lips. I thought god will come to receive me after death but ... these people ain't bad either, I can see my future in them.
472
472
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The Lupine POV, not cheer nor glum.
It gives us things to feel that we've not known.
We see the path, but we'll not sound the drum,
just turn our headphones up. We're not alone.

This yarn could go 'most anywhere from here.
Potential for a series could be found.
What is that rumbling sound? Is it a cheer?
The Snowpaw draws in readers all around.

In truth, the tales of dragons and such stuff
can turn yarn from good to something great.
Then maybe left alone, is just enough
to show there's more to come, but it's too late.

This yarn does not quite take us where you said.
How he became a wolf still fills my head
473
473
Review of exhaustion  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
exhaustion tells us all we need to hear
but then you paint what we've not seen before.
At sixteen digging bone, you plant the fear
and let us hope there won't be something more

But we, sad optimists, cannot derive
the horror waiting in those middle lines.
It grasps its hold, and then we scrape and strive
to make ourselves see grief as it defines.

We're breathless at the things you let us know
and think 'we'll need some help to understand.'
A whiff of rotting soul invades the air
and screams a silent plea across the land.

Perhaps now that you've given us a peek
you'll find the lost forgetfulness you seek.
474
474
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A verse to ponder Shadowlands and stuff.
I peek beneath the form and see the glow,
Where verse is simple, logic is enough
To give the reader all he needs to know.

What should that rip and tear leave in its wake?
a body; is it lacking couth and grace?.
I sniff the lines for just a clue to make
this tale to tell us more than is the case.

Ah, there! In graceful free-verse at the end
we see the logic shine before it leaves.
Eureka! There’s the answer, now we know.
There’s more to meet the eye and no one grieves.

A kiss resolves, when in the final stand
the verse comes around at last to shake your hand
475
475
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Eight deadly sins, as dainty as a bull,
awaits determination in the end.
We know no other thoughts and it is we
who turn our scattered notions to a trend.

You promise strong ideas on a roll,
and show that thoughts can move those restless feet.
But, knowing all will never pay the toll
Pig-headedness will only bring defeat.

When reading of persistence in this way,
we know illusion makes us think it's true.
But claiming 'we are right' with naught to say,
is tantamount to nothing left to do.

We hear how great it is to hold one's ground,
but knowing all is where despair is found.
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