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126
126
Review of The wrong photo  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this story because of "scary photo" in the description, and I'm glad I did. I really enjoyed this story! You did an excellent job of describing Sandra's character through her action. On a side note, I just had to go back through the story to find the character's name, and I would suggest changing some of the "she"s in the story to "Sandra".

Although the story was rather short, it was complete, and I think brevity worked for this piece. I was on the edge of my seat from the moment Sandra found the strange photo, and the ending was a complete surprise. I absolutely loved the ending! Although I'm a big fan of the horror story, I think your tame ending was perfect for this story. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First, I would capitalize every word of the title to make the story appear more professionally written. I would also skip a line between each paragraph to make the story easier to read and more visually appealing.

I would change the second "had been" in the first sentence to "was". A comma should be inserted after "Kansas" in the second sentence. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "counter". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "them". Also, at this point in the story, I noticed that you have quite a few "had"s. I suggest editing to reduce this number. In the first sentence of the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "pictures". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "rebuilt".

In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Suddenly". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "taking". Next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "tell", and the comma after "picture" should be changed to a semicolon. In the next paragraph, "washed" is spelled incorrectly and the word "and" should be inserted after "out". A few sentences later, I would add "his chest covered..." to the end of the previous sentence. Otherwise, you have a sentence fragment here. There should be a comma after "clearly" in the next sentence.

In the next paragraph, "with adrenaline in her step" should be set off with commas. The transition in this part of the story is a bit bumpy. The character goes from taking the photo back from the clerk to opening her car door without any indication she left the store. In the last sentence of the story, "for the first time in her life" should be set off with commas.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. It was a very good read that would be even better after a thorough edit. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
127
127
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again, druid Author Icon. Of course, after reading the first part of your story, I could hardly wait to come back to your port and read Part 2, so here I am.

My Thoughts: I like the way you started this part of the story with a description of the hunting lodge, and you did an excellent job of describing it. I could easily imagine what it looked and felt like by your description. Good job!

I almost gave this part of the story a lower rating because of the way you left me hanging. He finally meets Myra, and you're not even going to tell us about it?! I can only hope that you add a Part 3 to this story, as I'm dying to know how the meeting turned out.

As with Part 1, I think I could have more easily gotten into the story had it been written in past tense instead of present. And again, I like the way you told the story as though you were telling it to Myra. I think you could have expanded this part a bit more and focused more on Ru's anxiety, impatience, worry and thoughts leading up to the meeting. And I would have REALLY liked for the story to keep going to let us know how the visit went!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the second sentence, a comma should be inserted before "of course". I would stop that sentence there and start a new sentence with, "It has been converted..." In that sentence, "lovers" should be "lovers'" to show possession. Later in that paragraph, I would change "5 days" to "five days". In the last sentence, I'd move "suddenly" to immediately after "laugh". In the second sentence of the next paragraph, I would change "Looking" to "I look" to avoid a sentence fragment.

In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted before "of course". In the next sentence, "in my heart" should be set off with commas. A few sentences later, "it's deep softness" should be "its deep softness", because you're not trying to write a contraction for "it is". In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would write out both numbers. In the next paragraph, "wristwatch" should be one word, and "tight" should be "tightly".

In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "later". In the next paragraph, "stepping under the shower head" should be set off with commas. In the last paragraph, "taking a deep breath" should be set off with commas.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing another interesting chapter of this story. I enjoyed reading it, and I really hope there's a Part 3 in the near future.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
128
128
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, druid Author Icon! I came upon this piece, and, as I am somewhat intrigued by Internet relationships, I couldn't pass up the chance to read and review it. I hope I will be able to provide something useful!

My Thoughts: I find it amazing how we can become so emotionally connected to someone we have never met, and I must say that this story describes that perfectly. Ru was an interesting and likable character, and I like the way you told the story as though he was talking to Myra, recounting the events to her. I don't know that telling the story in present tense was the best idea. It became confusing at times for me, and I think past tense may be a better choice.

I would have liked to have a bit more information about Ru. How old is he? Does he have any children? I would also like to have more information about Myra. I couldn't help but think that she so hastily broke off the relationship because she was married or seeing someone, but there's no further indication of either. Maybe I'll get answers to these questions in Part 2.

Your account of Ru's previous conversation with Myra, in which she broke off their relationship, was spot on. I could easily imagine that happening, and I could feel Ru's panic and distress as I read. The story held my interest from the beginning to the very last word, and I look forward to moving on to Part 2.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I would change the last sentence of the first paragraph to "And it feels even longer." In the last sentence of the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "and" so that "for the first time in my working life" is set off with commas. In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "suddenly". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "online". In the second sentence of the next paragraph, you have no subject, so it's actually a sentence fragment. I would change "Storming" to "I stormed" to remedy this.

I stumbled over this sentence: "Fingers flying across the touch screen with barely a thought, the phone as my primary link to you having become almost an extension of myself these past few months: "Calling you earlier tonight. 5 your time"." I would change this to something like, "Being my primary link to you, my phone had become almost an extension of myself these past few months. My fingers flew across the screen with barely a thought as I retrieved your text: "Calling you earlier tonight. 5 your time." The next sentence is also a bit wordy, and I would consider changing it to, "I was used to receiving very brief texts from you, but this one was terse, even for you."

In the next paragraph, about halfway through, "before I knew it" should be set off with commas. In the next paragraph, I would change "Holding my breath" to "I held my breath". Otherwise, you have another sentence fragment here, because there's no subject. A few sentences later, "as usual" should be set off with commas.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting and believable chapter. I really enjoyed the read, and there's no doubt that I will move on to Part 2!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
129
129
Review of Dessert  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I was drawn in with the first sentence, as I love horror stories. You did an excellent job of telling the story from the perspective of a twenty-year-old. The thoughts and dialogue were very believable. I could easily imagine the events that you described in the story, and, although the piece was rather short, I liked the way you immediately dove into the action scenes.

I imagine housesitting could be a frightening experience, and I like the way this story exacerbated that. It's a rather original idea, and I really liked it. Good job.

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: First of all, because of a certain swear word in the story, the rating should be changed from "13+" to "18+".

In the first sentence, "creeks" should be "creaks". "Creeks" refers to bodies of water. I would insert a comma after "mean" in the second sentence. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, "being so far back in the woods with no neighbors close by" should be set off with commas. In the second sentence of the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "on". In the second sentence of the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "before".

In the third sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "At first". In the next paragraph, "when I looked at him" should be set off with commas. In the next paragraph, "ricocheting" is spelled incorrectly. In the next paragraph, I would change "This was the last time I ever did a good deed." to "That was the last time I would ever do a good deed." A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "several doors".

I think you should have mentioned that your coworker's name was Mel before the end of the story. I would suggest doing it at the beginning instead. Finally, since this story was written in first person narrative, I didn't like the way it ended. If you were the dessert, then, obviously, you wouldn't be around to write the story. I would consider changing to third person narrative instead.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this little tale of fright. I enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be a great addition to the WDC community. I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
130
130
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this story to review because of its excellent title. I mean, who wouldn't be excited to read about a guy named "Stewart Plinkman" getting revenge? Although the description wasn't quite as attention grabbing, it was intriguing, and it, too, made me anxious to read the story.

You have some great characters here with Stewart and Ms. Goodnight. The beginning of the story captured my interest, and you held it throughout. I especially like the way you gave a background of the couple to make it more obvious as to why Stewart was so adamant about getting revenge. It was easy to imagine the scenes that you described, and I found myself wavering between rooting for Stewart and wondering if he may still have a crush on November. Hey, anything's possible!

You could easily make this story into a longer work. I'd love to hear more about these two interesting characters.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I was somewhat disappointed that we never found out what Stewart's revenge actually was and whether or not he was successful in getting it. After all, the story's title made me think that I would learn all about the revenge, but that wasn't the case. The ending was a bit ambiguous. I wondered if he planned to get revenge by poisoning November's coffee, but, if that were the case, I believe he would have been a little more disappointed that she poured it on him. I would suggest adding to the end of the story to let the reader in on what the revenge was and if Stewart was successful in getting it.

Near the end of the first paragraph, "then again" should be set off with commas. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, one of the "finally"s should be omitted. Also, it didn't seem fitting that Stewart would be working at a minimum wage job for a boss he hated after going to graduate school. I think you need to add a little more background explaining why he had so much trouble getting a job in order to make this believable.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I really enjoyed reading about Stewart and November, and I look forward to checking out more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
131
131
Review of One Day at a Time  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I decided to read and review this short story when I noticed that it has been posted for quite some time without any ratings. I'm glad I did, as I really enjoyed the story. What seems to be a rather inconsequential story at first glance is likely anything but to a reader who has suffered the wrath of bullies. I'm sure that any of those readers could easily relate to this little story.

You chose a very fitting title for the story, and the description adequately informed the reader of what to expect from the read. Although the story was quite short, it was complete in that it described the day in the life of a bullied child. It held my interest, and including the cute girl from math class was a nice touch. I also like the way you ended the story, essentially informing the reader that Paul isn't safe just yet. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I think the story was a bit unclear as to how many bullies there were. First, you say "nemesis", which would indicate there is only one. Then, you go on to say "aggressors", which indicates there is more than one. Finally, you say "foe", which again indicates only one. I suggest editing to make the number of bullies clear.

In the second sentence, there should be a comma after "go", before the closing quotes. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "packed". The comma after "sounded" in the following sentence should be omitted. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "groups". In the first sentence of the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "corner".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story about a subject that should be addressed more often. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
132
132
Review of Old daycare.  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I chose this story because it was written for the 100 word horror contest, and it was listed as non-fiction. However, after reading this little story, I have to question whether or not you need to change it to 'fiction'. I have a very hard time believing that this story is non-fiction.

You have a really good idea for a story here; I can't imagine a scene more eerie than an abandoned daycare. However, it's extremely difficult to develop the characters, setting and story itself using only 100 words. I would love to see you expand this, because I think you could writer an excellent longer piece with these characters and the scene you chose. As to the instant story, I did like it, but I felt it was too short. While I understand the word limit, I would consider expanding this one and choosing a setting and characters less elaborate for the 100 word piece.

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: In the first sentence, "abandon" should be "abandoned", and the comma after "daycare" should be a period. In the second sentence, since the rest of the story is in past tense, "start" should be "started". Also, you have to keep in mind that you have to make every single word count when you have a 100 word count limit. Take a look at these sentences: "They started horsing around when the lights start to flicker on. Then it went black." What do they really add to the story? Does it add anything to the very short story to say that the characters were horsing around? Does it make the story more horrifying? You have to consider these things when you have such a stringent word limit. You could save several words and get the same results by simply saying, "The lights flickered, then went black."

In the next sentence you say, "They looked at the walls, the paint was peeling right off." First of all, this is a run-on sentence, because it's two complete sentences separated only by a comma. To remedy this, you could change the comma after "walls" to a period and start a new sentence with, "The paint..." But remember your word limit and how much horrifying detail could take the place of these 2 sentences. Does it really add anything to the story to tell the reader that they looked at the walls? And I believe most people would take for granted that the paint on the walls of an abandoned daycare would be peeling. While this detail would be great to put in a longer story, you only have 100 words to terrify the reader, and these few sentences really add nothing to that.

The next sentence, "The building starts to shift, they try to run but they fallen." is another instance of a run-on sentence. This could be remedied by changing the comma after "shift" to a period and starting a new sentence with "They tried..." Notice that I suggested "tried" instead of "try", because "try" is present tense, and the rest of your story is in past tense. In that regard, "fallen" should be "fell". But, as before, you don't have to be quite so wordy to describe this. You could say, "The building shifted, knocking them off balance." and free up a lot of words.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I enjoyed reading it, and I think you could be a really good author of this genre, especially with longer stories. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
133
133
Review of Cyber Friend  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: You have an excellent idea for a story here. I'm always fascinated by stories involving meeting someone online, and this little jewel reminds me why one must be extremely cautious. Your descriptions of the family members were adequate, but I wondered where Jamie's mother was throughout the ordeal.

First person narrative worked well for this piece, and it allowed me to empathize with Jamie as I read. I think this is a story that would perhaps be better if expanded, because it seemed like everything happened a little abruptly. I would have liked to have learned more about Jamie's relationship with Ken, how it started, how serious it was, etc.

I loved the twist at the end of the story. Actually, I loved both twists - first what happened with Amy, then what happened after Jamie realized it was all a dream. I love stories with a twist at the end, and you provided two excellent ones here. Good job!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: First, I would suggest going through the entire story and ensuring that it's either written in present tense or past tense, but not both. As is, you begin the story in present tense, and by the third sentence, it's in past tense. Then, you quickly go back to present tense and skip around throughout. I would suggest remaining in past tense through the entire story.

Next, I would suggest that you divide the story into paragraphs and skip a line between each paragraph. I think that would make the story more visually appealing and easier to read.

There are numerous instances in the story in which you have run-on sentences. The first instance is the third sentence of the story. You have, "You never even seen him before how do you know he is even a teen?" This should be two different sentences, written, "You've never even seen him before. How do you know he is even a teen?" Also in that sentence, I would omit one of the instances of "even". The very next sentence is another run-on sentence. “He wouldn’t lie to me Amy he is not like that." should be two separate sentences, written "He wouldn't lie to me, Amy. He is not like that." Also, notice that I inserted a comma before Amy.

There are several other instances of run-on sentences that need to be edited and other parts of the story that need to be edited. If you need further assistance, please feel free to email me for help.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting story. It's a good story that could be even better after a thorough edit. Should you decide to do so, I would be glad to offer additional help and/or review it again after you're finished. Regardless, I look forward to reading more of your work.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
134
134
Review of Copycat  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this story because of its interesting title and description, and I'm glad I did. I really enjoyed reading this. Although it was extremely short, it was complete and interesting. I have read similar stories, and I even thought that I had read this one until I saw that I hadn't reviewed it, so I had an idea that the author was writing about a mirror early on. That's something you want to avoid, especially in a story this short.

Otherwise, I think this was a great short story. First person narrative was perfect for the story, and it was rather easy, even in this short piece, for me to relate to the narrator. I like the way you ended the story, providing adequate closure and leaving no unanswered questions. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I didn't like the way you began the story in present tense, as though the events of the story are just occurring, but ended the story in past tense, making it clear that that isn't the case. If anything, the first part of the story should be in past tense while the last part should be told in past tense. You mention your current job, but then you go on to say the copycat made you lose your job. You begin the story by implying that the copycat is staring at you (present tense) but end it with the revelation that you have already discovered whom (or what) the copycat is.

In the first paragraph, either "also" or "too" should be omitted, because they mean the same thing, and both of them aren't needed. In the second paragraph, I would change "later than I usually do" to "later than usual". In the middle of the story, "him and I" should be "he and I". In the first sentence of the last paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "later".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting short story. I really enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
135
135
Review of The Reaper  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Jellyfish Author Icon. I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: Wow, you have a wide array of items in your port! I had a difficult time choosing what to read, but, of course, I had to choose something that sounded a bit morbid. I'm glad I did! It is rare that I get goosebumps when reading a story, but I could feel them prickling my legs when I got to the end of this one. Good job!

As I read the story, I found myself relating to and empathizing with Kate. I used to be the world's worst to convince myself that I was suffering from some horrible disease. Unlike Kate, though, I would just self diagnose and never go to the doctor. Luckily, I got out of that habit, but when I read this story, I knew exactly how Kate felt. I have never been obsessed with death in general - just my own. *Laugh*

You hooked me with the first paragraph and your description of Luke and Kate made it easy for me to imagine them and the nature of their interactions as I read the story. First person narrative worked well for this piece, and I believe it allowed be to not only become more involved with the story but also to be more empathetic with Kate.

The ending was perfect, and it adequately wrapped up the entire story. It also left me with an eerie feeling, which is exactly what stories such as this are supposed to do.

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: I would omit the word "very" from the first sentence. There should be a comma after "athletic" in the second sentence. In the second paragraph, "consequently" should be set off with commas. In the third paragraph, "however" should be set off with commas. In that paragraph, I would also change "next door's cat" to "the cat next door". In the second sentence of the following paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Sometimes". In that sentence, in order to maintain parallelism, I would change "others cajoling" to "other times, he would cajole". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "so".

In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "four". In the next sentence, I would omit one or both instances of the word "had". A comma should be inserted after "Apparently" in the following sentence. In the next paragraph, "afterwards" should be set off with commas. A few paragraphs later, first sentence, a comma should be inserted after "coincidence". A comma should be inserted after "evening" in the first sentence of the next paragraph. Two sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "often". A few paragraphs later, there shouldn't be spaces between the quotation marks and the quotes, and it should read like this: "I am not,". As is, it looks like you're starting to quote "He". Also, "he" shouldn't be capitalized.

In the second sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "night". A few paragraphs later, "as I wandered in to the kitchen to make my breakfast" should be set off with comma. Also, I would change "in to" to "into" in that sentence. I would also change "in to" at the end of that sentence to "into".

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this eerie little read. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I can't wait to check out more of your work!

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


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136
136
Review of Trepidation  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: I chose this story because of it's interesting title, and I'm glad I did! I really enjoyed this little story. I know that, when writing a story with only 100 words, you have no choice but to make every single word count. For the most part, you did just that. You did a great job of building the anticipation, and you provided as much background as you could with the limited word count. Even though I hardly got to know him, I felt myself empathizing with poor Archer and his dire situation. That's exactly how the reader should have felt. Good job!

I particularly like the way you ended the story. That's about all Archer could have done in his situation, but the way you brought the story to an end was perfect. You left no stone unturned, and, while you clued the reader in on what would happen next, you left it up to the reader to infer what happened from there. Horror is one of my favorite genres, and I must say that you did it justice with this little creepy tale.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I would omit the word "up" from the first sentence. The story would read just as well without it, and, given the limited word count, I think the extra word would be better put to use somewhere else. I would insert a comma after "door" in that sentence so it doesn't seem as though you're saying the door was gasping for air. The sentence, "Less than human, but significantly more dangerous." is a sentence fragment, because it doesn't contain both a subject and a verb. While that works in some stories, I don't think it worked well in this one because of its length. I would change it to, "The were less than human, but significantly more dangerous." Because that forced you to add two words, omitting "up" at the beginning would give you one extra word. As to the other word, I think you could omit "left" from the second sentence without affecting the story. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would change "This is why" to "That was why" because the rest of the story is told in past tense.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting little horror story. I really enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. If you haven't already done so, I would strongly suggest that you check out "The Newbies Academy Group" Open in new Window.. It's an excellent way to familiarize yourself with the community, and I would be glad to show you around. I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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137
137
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I am a big fan of flash fiction, so I was anxious to read a piece in the supernatural genre. You did an excellent job of creating an eerie scene in such a short piece. I could easily imagine David and Brandon creeping around the house and David's shock and horror when he found himself sitting in a pool of blood. With a 300 word limit, you didn't have much of an opportunity to provide background. In that regard, I think it was a good idea that you went straight to the grisly horror scene.

I loved the story's ending. "It had killed again" tells us so much and answers many questions the reader would otherwise be left with. After reading that sentence, I would consider David and Brandon heroes for having the guts to even step outside their home with that knowledge.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First, I would suggest changing the title of the story to something that gives the reader a hint as to what the story is about.

In the first paragraph, "They had both been awakened screaming." just didn't flow well for me. How could you be awakened screaming unless you had a nightmare? Then, it makes it seem unlikely that two people would suffer that same fate. Now that the contest is over, I would expand this piece, especially this first part, to add clarity. Were they awakened because they heard screaming? If so, that's not clear here.

Also, since you have the ability to expand this piece now, I would give more information about David and Brandon. Did they live together? Were they brothers? Lovers? What were they doing that they would be awakened together in the middle of the night?

In the next-to-last paragraph of the story, "He realized leg was wet" should be "He realized his leg was wet.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting little story. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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138
138
Review of THE SKY  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this story to review, because it didn't have any ratings. I'm glad I did. I got a few chuckles while reading the story. The plot was rather original, and I knew I was going to like it with the revelation that Roland was watering his sidewalk. Every now and then, I like reading a story that incorporates a bit of nonsense, and this one was just what I needed tonight. I think this would be a good story for children.

I could easily imagine the steps that poor Roland was taking to protect himself and his property. The story held my interest from the very first sentence until the end, but I couldn't figure out why you would add his age at the very end. It seemed out of place and irrelevant to me. Also, even though the entire story is humorous and a stretch, I didn't like the part where the neighbors went on with their business after the sky had fallen. I mean, how could they do that? Even though the entire story seemed impossible, that part was a bit too much for me.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the first sentence, "by accident" should be set off with commas. Also, you have two instances of the word "had" in that sentence. I suggest changing the sentence to past tense instead of past perfect. To do so, change "had been" to "was" and omit the second "had". I would also omit "had" from the second sentence. A comma should be inserted after "least" in that sentence. In the third sentence, I would again omit "had", change "some property" to "the property", omit the word "present". I would end the sentence after "on it" and start a new sentence with, "He was a little..." A comma should be inserted after "because" in that sentence. In the following sentence, I would omit both instances of the word "had". In the next sentence, I would set "when he watered it" off with commas. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "wide".

I would omit the word "had" from the first sentence of the second paragraph. A comma should be inserted after "falling" in that sentence. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "day". In the next sentence, the word "a" should be omitted (from "a apparently"). In that same sentence, "obviously" should be set off with commas, and a comma should be inserted after "situation". A comma should be inserted after "fell" in the last sentence of that paragraph. In the first sentence of the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "days". The word "instead" should be set off with commas in that sentence. I would omit the first instance of "still" in the next sentence. I would omit the word "had" from the next sentence. In the first sentence of the last paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "weeks".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this funny little story. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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139
139
Review of The Door  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a good children's story. The story is short and sweet and has a happy ending, all of which make for a desirable story for a child. I cannot a child who would not be fascinated by a talking squirrel living in a tree and the person who discovers he can miraculously shrink small enough to go inside the tree and visit with the squirrel. The story was written in a friendly tone that would easily capture a child's interest.

I liked the description of the inside of the tree looking like it was many stories high, and I can just imagine a child's wonder at reading that. I also like the fact that the squirrel offered tea and sweets to Billy. I think that would appeal to a child as well. Finally, as I said before, I like the way you ended the story on a happy note. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First, I would change the description of the story so that it gives a hint as to what the story is about rather than telling that it's for a contest. I think that would draw more readers.

Next, it was an issue for me that you soon contradicted the first sentence of the story. You begin by claiming that nobody really know's what's behind the door at the bottom of the tree, but you go on to tell that you do know what is behind it and tell the reader exactly what it is. Therefore, I would suggest you change that first sentence. Also in that first sentence, you have a tense issue, because "knows" is present tense and "lived" is past tense. Since the rest of the story is in past tense, "knows" should be "knew". In the last sentence of the first paragraph, "wondrous" is spelled incorrectly.

Finally, near the end of the story, you say that you sat in an "ornately carved sofa". Did you sit "in" the sofa or "on" the sofa? I suggest changing "in" to "on". Also, I think "ornately carved" may be a bit too much for a child to comprehend. I suggest reconsidering this description.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting little story. I enjoyed the read and look forward to visiting your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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140
140
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Joy Author Icon. I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: The story started out a bit show, but before I knew it, I was right in the middle of the action! I was convinced that something terrible had happened to Warren. Myra was an easy character to empathize with, and you threw little hints about her personality and tendencies out there that I noticed but still missed until the end. I loved the scene with the men's dressing room mirror. Just the image of that scene set the stage for something ominous.

The scene at the office came as a total shock, and I quickly knew what would happen next...or at least I thought I did. Boy, was I wrong! I love stories with a twist at the end, and this one was right up my alley! I think I actually sat with my mouth open for a few seconds after reading the last sentence of the story. Great job!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: In the last sentence of the second paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Then". In the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Next to the archway". In the second sentence of the tenth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Suddenly". Several paragraphs later, I would change the sentence, "A sales clerk came running. When she learned what happened," to, "A sales clerk came over, and, when she learned what had happened, she said," and omit the "she said" that you have a little later. In that same paragraph, "a few of hours" should be "a few hours". In the same sentence, there should be a space between the comma and "cutting".

Three paragraphs later, I would rearrange the sentence, "Until closing time, I waited in the store." to "I waited in the store until closing time.", because I think active voice is always better than passive. Four paragraphs later, I would change, "The police has" to "The police have". A few paragraphs later, I would change, "I stuffed into my large handbag all the papers and note-pads that could be important." to "I stuffed all the papers and notepads that could be important into my large handbag.", as I think the sentence would read better that way. I would rewrite the sentences: "The carpet was the same red one with green dots. I recalled the skiing vacation Warren and I had taken here together." to "The carpet was the same red with green dots that it was when Warren and I had taken a skiing vacation here together."

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story! I really enjoyed the read, and I think it would be even better after a quick edit. I look forward to checking out more of your work.

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


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141
141
Review of The Invasion  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Science fiction isn't one of my favorite genres, and the title and description made me think that's what this story was. I'm glad I read it anyway. It was terrific.

Although the story was rather short, it was complete, and by the end, your descriptive writing made me anxious to find out what would become of the narrator in this invasion. First person narration worked well for this piece, and I quickly found myself concerned about the narrator and rooting for her (I think the narrator's female). In the first paragraph, the sentences are rather short and choppy. Reading on, you add more detail to the paragraphs. I think that also worked well in this story.

And the ending? Brilliant! I never saw it coming, and I am a sucker for twists at the end of stories. You did a fantastic job with this one. Reading back over the story, subtle hints were there, but I would have never guessed it. Great job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: Most of my suggestions are about punctuation. In the third sentence, a comma should be inserted after "signs". In the last sentence of the second paragraph, "nowhere" should be one word. In the first sentence of the third paragraph, "for the most part" should be set off with commas. Later in that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Every now and then". In the second sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "let up".

Near the end of the story, a comma should be inserted after "Every now and then". I would also suggest reconsidering the use of one instance of that phrase, because you used it twice in a rather short story. Maybe you could change the first instance to "Every so often,"?

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent short story! I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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142
142
Review of Wolfs pain  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. that you won at the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. raffle.'

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Thoughts: This is an excellent short story! I loved your use of the photo at the beginning. It, and your descriptive writing, did wonders to help me imagine the setting as I read the story.

You wasted no time getting into the grisly detail, and I think that's just how a short horror story should be. The second paragraph put me on the edge of my seat, and I remained there until the very last word of the story. And it ended perfectly! The ending was rather unexpected, and it wrapped everything up neatly. It also made way for a possible sequel, because I would love to know what happened to John afterward!

John was an interesting character, and it was easy to empathize with his situation. I could almost feel his despair and uncertainty at having no choice but to kill his wife. Perhaps that accounted for his mistake, because he seemed like the type that just didn't make mistakes. You gave the reader so much to think about in this short story! Great job!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest that you change "Wolfs" in the title to "Wolf's" to show possession. I also suggest capitalizing "pain" in the title. I think these changes would make the story more appealing to the the readers.

In the second sentence, I would change "which" to "that". In the last sentence of the paragraph, you say "a member" but go on to say "they" and "them". In that regard, I would change "a member" to "members" to keep it all plural. In the third paragraph, I would remove the apostrophes around "was". In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change "here" to "there" to keep the story in past tense. In the last sentence of the sixth paragraph, "are" should be changed to "were" because the rest of the story is in past tense.

In the second sentence of the seventh paragraph, I would omit "it was" as I think the sentence would read more fluidly without it. A few sentences later, the comma after "body" should be omitted. In the following sentence, "notice" should be "noticed". In the last sentence of the story, shouldn't "Nights Master" be "Night Master" since it was singular throughout the rest of the story?

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent little horror story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and can't wait to check out more of your work!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
143
143
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Your interesting title and description drew me in, and I'm glad I read this story! While I think the "horror" genre was a bit misleading, the story was very good and easily held my attention. The ending was perfect, even throwing a bit of humor in at this otherwise dire and shocking situation.

I'm sure that many of us can relate to poor Bartleby, and this little story really made me think about his situation and question whether people have really taken those feelings to that extreme. My instinct says yes, and even if they haven't, you did a terrific job of giving us a glimpse of what could happen if they did.

I like your writing style and the way you often hint that what you are stating is obvious. Although the story was somewhat short, it was complete, and you gave us adequate background information and character description without bogging the story down with boring details. Great job!

sadness and loneliness slept with him at night, and grief greeted him in the morning *Left* I LOVED that line!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "others". In that same sentence, I would consider changing "staging grounds" to simply "stage" and omit "--like larceny--". When thinking of heinous crimes, larceny is probably the last thing that comes to my mind. In that same sentence, "for Bartleby" should be set off with commas. Also, I suggest you reconsider your use of hyphens around phrases in this story. I think it was a bit overused, especially since commas look neater and could have served the same purpose.

In the second sentence of the second paragraph, when you're making a list of things in his apartment, "a" should be inserted before "microwave" because you used it before every other item. A few sentences later, "at this very instant" should be "at that very instant" because the rest of the story is told in past tense. In the third paragraph, you spelled "tenants" incorrectly, and it is spelled incorrectly again near the end of the story. Near the end of the third paragraph, I would omit the word "which" from "fact which being". In the next sentence, "is linked" should be "was linked" to keep the story in past tense.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this great little story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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144
144
Review of Oh Beautful  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is an interesting short story, and as I read, I forgot that the story takes place in 1957. It was easy to imagine the friends out for a drive and taking in the beautiful Canadian landscape. You described the scenes perfectly, and I could easily imagine the breathtaking scenery that made the characters sing.

I like the way one of the characters started singing upon seeking the spectacular view while the others quickly joined in. I think it does a good job of telling just how amazing the sight actually was. Even though the story was rather short, it was complete and left me smiling at the end. I did find the part about a passenger too ambiguous and could never figure out who the passenger was. When you mentioned his predicament, I thought the story was going to take a different turn, but then it was all forgotten. I think the story would be clearer without this mention of a passenger.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: "Beautiful" is spelled incorrectly in the story's title. Also, I would put a comma between "Oh" and "Beautiful".

Near the end of the first paragraph, you said that three people were "packed behind him close to the passenger". How could three people be close to one passenger in a car? And who are you considering the passenger? Vonnie? In the last sentence of the first paragraph, the ending quotation marks should come directly after the comma. The rest of the quotes in the story should be edited in that same way. In the last sentence of part 1, "Hey Jude" should be in quotation marks, since it's a song title.

Again, in the second part of the story, I'm confused by your use of "passenger". It is unclear as to whom you are referring. A few paragraphs later, I would change "spilling" to "spilled". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Without warning". In the next sentence, there shouldn't be a space between "it" and the question mark.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. It was a good read that could be even better if you made it clearer to whom "passenger" refers in the story. I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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145
145
Review of Ghost Town  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, 💙 Carly: poems & novel Author Icon. I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I decided to review this story because it had no ratings, and I'm glad I did! Mystery is one of my favorite genres, and you did a good job with this one. You had a cast of interesting characters, and I like the way they interacted. It was easy for me to be drawn into the story by the character interactions. I would have liked a better physical description of the characters, though, because it was difficult for me to imagine what they looked like.

You also did a good job of writing a good little mystery with a limited word count. The transition to the scary part of the story was smooth, and I loved the way the story ended.

I think third person narration would work better for this piece. I believe there were three women involved in this story: Sandy, Gloria and Darla. But from the first part of the story, it appears that there are four: the aforementioned women plus the narrator. Even though the story is in first person, you mentioned all three of the women in the first part of the story as if none of them were the narrator. It was very confusing.

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My Suggestions: First of all, now that the contest is over, I suggest changing the description to give the reader a hint of what the story is about rather than just saying it's a contest entry. In the second paragraph, rather than having the word "figured" twice in the first sentence, I would change it to, "Mike thought..." I would omit the word "out" from the first sentence of the third paragraph. A comma should be inserted after "wife" in the third sentence of that paragraph so that "my wife" is set off with commas.

In the eighth paragraph, I would change "newest to" to newest of". "by the look of mischievousness in her smile" should be set of with commas. In the second paragraph of the second part of the story, "as he was driving" should be set off with commas. In the last paragraph of that part, "good two hours then after lunch we took" should be punctuated to read, "good two hours. Then, after lunch". A few sentences later, the comma after "way ahead" should be changed to a semicolon.

In the first paragraph of the third part of the story, you have, "but as they neared they were". As they neared what? This sentence is unclear. Near the end of the story, "Each girl trembled. Then turned to look towards the saloon.", the last sentence is a sentence fragment. This could be remedied by combining the sentences to form, "Each girl trembled, then turned to..." In the next sentence, "here the guys" should be "hear the guys".

Sometimes, omitting commas changes the meaning of a sentence. In the sentence, "Sandy called her voice raspy." as it stands, it sounds like you mean that Sandy referred to her voice as raspy. I believe you meant, "Sandy called, her voice raspy." which means that Sandy called out the someone in a raspy voice. See the difference a comma can make? In the next several paragraphs, every time that you follow a quotation with "she said", the word "she" should not be capitalized. In the next-to-last paragraph, "about the touch down" should be "about to touch down".

The first sentence of the last paragraph should be split into 2 sentences by inserting a period after "move" and beginning a new sentence with "She felt". A few sentences later, "though she tried to pull back" should be set off with commas.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this great read! I thoroughly enjoyed it and can't wait to check out more of your work.

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146
146
Review of Puzzle Passion  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: I must say that I'm very surprised to see that you have just joined WDC and have already created such an excellent story! I know from experience how difficult it can be to create a complete and coherent story in 300 words or less, but you made it seem effortless here. Your short story goes to show how a seemingly insignificant event can bring a bit of humor to a reader.

You have an excellent writing style, and I could easily imagine the scene that you described. I even chuckled out loud at the thought of poor George with the puzzle piece stuck to his head. It was easy to empathize with the frustration that he felt. Luckily, he was resilient, though, and quickly moved on to his next quest. I loved the way you ended the story with a pun. Very clever!

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My Suggestions: It seems that your spelling and grammar were flawless in this piece. Good job! The only issue I could find is with your use of quotation marks. After the third paragraph, you have some quotation marks that don't seem to go with anything and should be omitted. In the eighth paragraph, the closing quotes should go directly after the comma, not right before "he". That makes it seem as though you're putting "he" in quotes. You have the same problem near the end of the story after "Cheer up,". The closing quotes should go directly after the comma and not right before "she".

Despite my best efforts, I could find nothing else to critique. Terrific!

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this terrific short story! I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I can already tell that you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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147
147
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I was intrigued by this story's title, and the description piqued my curiosity even more. Since horror is one of my favorite genres, I just couldn't help myself! The story was as good as I had hoped. Your conversational tone immediately drew me into the story, and I was on the edge of my seat, anxious to find out what would happen.

First person narrative worked well for this piece, and it made me become even more involved and empathetic with the narrator. Your descriptive writing made it easy for me to picture the scenes as you described them. I felt so sorry for the poor narrator when his drink was obviously drugged, and I immediately knew that this story would not come with a happy ending.

I really liked the way you ended the story, but, at the same time, I felt that it left too many questions unanswered. Since you're narrating the story, you're obviously still here, but the ending hinted that you remained in a tormented place. I think ending in that way should make you reconsider first person narrative. It's hard to claim something like that if you're the one telling the story. Just a thought.

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My Suggestions: In the first sentence, "in actuality" should be set off with commas. In the third sentence, "girl's" should be "girls", because you're not trying to show possession or using it as a contraction for "girl is". In that same sentence, a comma should be inserted after "danced". In the last sentence of that paragraph, "here" should be "there". In the first sentence of the next paragraph, "broke" should be "broken" because it follows the word "had". In that same sentence, "laying" should be "lying", because "laying" refers to an inanimate object. In the third paragraph, "by the time that I arrived" should be set off with commas. In the fourth paragraph, "ask" should be "asked" since the rest of the story is in past tense.

In the seventh paragraph, "have ever seen" should be "had ever seen" and "read your thoughts" should be "read my thoughts". In the second sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "clothing". In the next paragraph, "as I was about to get into my car" should be set off with commas. In the next sentence, "when our eyes locked" should be set off with commas. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "night". In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "As I approached the gate". In the last sentence of the following paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "started to turn".

In the first sentence of the last paragraph, "women" should be "woman" since you're only talking about one woman. Near the end of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "size" and another should be inserted after "come". In the last paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "upon me".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting short story. I enjoyed the read, and I can't wait to check out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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148
148
Review of Never Before  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: You have a really good idea for a story here, and Monroe, English and Fury are likable characters. I especially like the way that, even though they are so young, they find themselves in a horrible situation. Your action-packed scenes easily captured my interest, and I found myself on the edge of my seat, anxious to find out what would happen to poor English!

I understand what you were doing when you told the story first from Monroe's point of view and then from English's, but I think it became a bit confusing. The story is interesting enough that you could easily expand it and have a chapter for each character in which to tell the story from his or her point of view. In that regard, you could also have a chapter from Fury's POV and even one from Faye. You could begin with a prologue, cluing the reader in on what has previously happened, and then go into the tale from each character's perspective. As the story is, it's great, but it just feels incomplete and left me yearning for more.

I do like the way you told the story in present tense, and you did a good job of keeping it in the same tense throughout. I also like the way you brought the additional characters in through the action parts of the story rather than just bringing them in with boring history. Great job!

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My Suggestions: First, I suggest changing the rating of the story from "E" to "ASR" as the subject matter of the story warrants a higher rating. Next, I suggest skipping only one line between each paragraph. I think this would make the story easier to read and more visually appealing.

In the second sentence of the first paragraph, "laying" should be "lying", because you're referring to English (a person), not an inanimate object. In the next sentence, "Its" should be "It's", because you're using it as a contraction for "It is". In the following sentence, you say "them", but you are referring to the previously mentioned "road". In that regard, since "road" is singular, "them" should be changed to "it". In the next sentence, I would change "is disappeared" to "has disappeared". A couple of sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "skin".

In the next paragraph, I would change "same one" to "same tattoo" to make it clear as to what you are talking about. Also, the commas after "swollen" and "up" in that paragraph should be omitted. In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "friend" so that "my best friend" is set off with commas.

In the second sentence of the first paragraph under "English", I believe "eyes flirt" should be "eyes flit". In that same sentence, "I" should be capitalized. A few sentences later, "as I here" should be "as I hear". In the next paragraph, I would change "hard swallow" to "swallow hard". A few sentences later, "our people our dead" should be "our people are dead".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I enjoyed the read, and I really hope you decide to expand the story. I look forward to reading more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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149
149
Review of My Wi-fi  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I really enjoyed this little humorous piece, and I could easily relate to your dependence on wi-fi. It's easy to overlook all of the different instances in a day in which we utilize a device that requires wi-fi; you did a great job of bringing it to our attention. Although the story was humorous, it could easily be a true story, and that's one of the things that makes it great.

First person narrative worked well for this piece. It was easy to imagine the narrator going from one wi-fi enabled device to the next and to empathize with his dependence on this little convenience. I especially liked the last few paragraphs of the story and the way you let the reader know that the narrator realizes his dependence but refuses to do anything about it. I know exactly how he feels! Great job!

"My Kindle called its Amazonian mothership" *Left* I loved that line!

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My Suggestions: You had a tendency to switch between present and past tense throughout this story, making it difficult for me to become thoroughly involved in the story. For instance, most of the first paragraph is in past tense, but you switch to present tense with "check". In order to remain consistent, this should be changed to "checked". There are similar issues with the second paragraph. Although it is mostly past tense, you switch to present tense with the instances of "will" and "can". They should be changed to "would" and "could". You encounter this same issue in almost every paragraph. I suggest doing a thorough edit to ensure that all of the sentences are in past tense.

In the first sentence, "panicked" is spelled incorrectly. In the fourth paragraph, you say "to a traveler" yet you said "for a traveler". I would change it to "for a traveler" to make them consistent. In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma after "things" to a semicolon. Also, "you neck" should be "your neck". In the fifth paragraph, I would write "2" out as "two". Numbers under 10 are usually written out. In the sixth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "coffee". (Also, note in that sentence that "get" should be "got").

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this funny story. It was a good read that would be even better after a thorough edit. Should you decide to do so, I would be happy to review it again afterward. Regardless, I look forward to dropping by your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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150
150
Review of Prigioniera  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, CJ Reddick Author Icon. I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: It is always a pleasure to read your short stories, and I especially liked this one! I chose this story because I wanted to get an idea of what the title meant, and the description sounded interesting. Well, I loved the story, but I'm still not sure about the title. *Laugh* After reading some of your other stories, I thought you were a fantasy writer, but you proved me wrong with this one. You're a terrific writer in the 'dark' genre as well. You did an excellent job of creating an interesting, nail biter with this short piece. I was drawn in by the very first sentence, and I remained on the edge of my seat throughout.

First person narrative worked well for this piece, and it was easy to understand Lisa's chagrin. You provided adequate background information, and I think I held my breath from the moment Lisa walked into the artist's place through the end of the story. And the ending was absolutely perfect! Without giving too much away, I love the way the ending answered questions I never even knew I had. Because of this little story, I don't think I will ever look at that artist's works the same again!

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My Suggestions: First let me say that your spelling and punctuation are flawless. And I love the way you wrote shorter sentences during the climax of the story. Great job!

I just had a couple of issues with the story. First, it was difficult to believe that the artist was living a poor life after Lisa so easily found the money he had borrowed (and obviously even more) from the pouch at his place. And how could he be content living the poor life if he had previously borrowed money from the narrator? In by experience, people who are content with being poor don't bother borrowing money.

Also, it didn't seem quite right when the narrator professed that she hated the artist. That seemed a bit strong since the only thing he had apparently done to her was fail to pay the money he had borrowed back to her, and I don't think that constitutes hate. And since she had let him borrow the money before, she must not have hated him then. I would revisit these issues.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing yet another terrific read. I really enjoyed this story, and I look forward to dropping by your port again soon!

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