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151
151
Review of Prigioniera  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, CJ Reddick Author Icon. I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: It is always a pleasure to read your short stories, and I especially liked this one! I chose this story because I wanted to get an idea of what the title meant, and the description sounded interesting. Well, I loved the story, but I'm still not sure about the title. *Laugh* After reading some of your other stories, I thought you were a fantasy writer, but you proved me wrong with this one. You're a terrific writer in the 'dark' genre as well. You did an excellent job of creating an interesting, nail biter with this short piece. I was drawn in by the very first sentence, and I remained on the edge of my seat throughout.

First person narrative worked well for this piece, and it was easy to understand Lisa's chagrin. You provided adequate background information, and I think I held my breath from the moment Lisa walked into the artist's place through the end of the story. And the ending was absolutely perfect! Without giving too much away, I love the way the ending answered questions I never even knew I had. Because of this little story, I don't think I will ever look at that artist's works the same again!

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My Suggestions: First let me say that your spelling and punctuation are flawless. And I love the way you wrote shorter sentences during the climax of the story. Great job!

I just had a couple of issues with the story. First, it was difficult to believe that the artist was living a poor life after Lisa so easily found the money he had borrowed (and obviously even more) from the pouch at his place. And how could he be content living the poor life if he had previously borrowed money from the narrator? In by experience, people who are content with being poor don't bother borrowing money.

Also, it didn't seem quite right when the narrator professed that she hated the artist. That seemed a bit strong since the only thing he had apparently done to her was fail to pay the money he had borrowed back to her, and I don't think that constitutes hate. And since she had let him borrow the money before, she must not have hated him then. I would revisit these issues.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing yet another terrific read. I really enjoyed this story, and I look forward to dropping by your port again soon!


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
152
152
Review of Sunny's Pet  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I love children's stories, and you have a great idea for one here. Sunny is a name that would appeal to a child, and the little injured squirrel was the perfect addition to the story. I like they fact that Mother is so aware of Sunny's best interests. The story also teaches children the valuable lesson of being kind to animals. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest expanding upon the story. Tell us more about Sunny. How old is he? What is his general demeanor? A little background information would go a long way in capturing a child's interest. I think a story consisting of only one paragraph is too small to be considered a short story.

I think "polythene" is too difficult of a word to expect a child to understand what it means. I suggest changing the word to one that's more child friendly. In the sentence that mentions that word, the word "and" should be inserted after the comma. Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence. In the next sentence, I would reconsider saying "Mother held up the bag" since the squirrel is on it. I suggest changing it it "Mother carefully picked up the bag." In the following sentence, the comma after "squirrel" should be omitted.

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Overall: This is a good children's story that could be even better if expanded upon. Should you decide to do so, I would be happy to review it again afterward. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
153
153
Review of Bank Withdrawal  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I decided to read this piece because the title interested me. I'm glad I did! I really enjoyed this short story! I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and meaningful story using only 300 words or less, and I must say that you did an excellent job of that here. You adequately described the characters, the setting, the conflict and the resolution. Good job!

I like the way you began the story with the bank employees' boredom but quickly revealed it was to be short-lived. The story was action packed, and I was on the edge of my seat, anxious to see what would happen next. I especially like the way you ended the piece with a bit of humor. You took the reader through so many emotions in this short piece. Terrific!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest changing the description of the story to give the reader an idea as to what it's about rather than only stating that it was written for a contest.

In the sentences, "Dave pulled up to the bank and was thankful he saw no cars in the parking lot. Pulled his sedan up by the door and walked in.", the last sentence is a sentence fragment, and there was no need to mention pulling up in the second sentence after mentioning it in the first sentence. I would change this to "Dave pulled up to the back, thankful he say no cars in the parking lot, and walked in." Rather that start the next sentence with, "Dave got a phone call", I would change it to, "His wife had called on his way home". Then, in the next sentence, you could change "His wife" to "She".

In the next paragraph, I would change, "crashed open a man" to "crashed open, and a man". Otherwise, it's a run-on sentence. In the following sentence, I would change the comma after "hurt" to a semicolon. In the next paragraph, I would shorten, " Kim and Allison went into a panic looking around. They were looking for the manager", to simply, "Kim and Allison went into a panic, looking around for the manager." A couple of paragraphs later, "Not wanted to make" should be "He did not want to make". Otherwise, you have a sentence fragment here, because there's no subject.

In the next paragraph, "screamed" shouldn't be capitalized, because it's a continuation of the quote. In the next paragraph, you say, "The bag were getting filled in a hurry. Kim and Allison franticly throwing everything they had in the bag. The looks on their face was of complete terror." I would consider shortening this to "Kim and Allison frantically filled the bag in a hurry. They were terrified." A couple of paragraphs later, you have, "passed him. Then reached". This should be "passed him, then reached". Otherwise, the second sentence is a sentence fragment. Finally, in that paragraph, "Bandits right thigh" should be "Bandit's right thigh", because you're attempting to show possession.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story! It was an enjoyable read that would be even better after a thorough edit. Should you decide to do so, I would be happy to review the story again afterward. Regardless, I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
154
154
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I chose your story to review because of the description's promise of insignificance. I wanted to see if you could take an admittedly insignificant story and make it interesting. I must say that you did just that. Although the story was rather short, it was complete and left nothing to be desired. Your character description was adequate for this piece, and I have to say that I love the name "Bretta".

I especially like the way you manage to add a hint of mystery to this little story. The fact that the characters knew each other left me wondering what their history was and what type of relationship they had. Would they be rekindling an old flame, or had they been mere acquaintances? I like the fact that this piece made me wonder those things. It allows the reader's imagination to take over and fill in the blanks. Good job!

"Leaves became kites in the updraft and the trees were like mailmen, scattering their lofty goods throughout the bustle of the city." *Left* This was my favorite line in the story. I loved the imagery it brought to mind!

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My Suggestions: The title of this story didn't work for me. I understand your meaning behind it, but it just seemed a little off. I would suggest something like "A Chicago Moment" or "A Moment in Time". The formatting of this piece looks a bit off as well. There's no indentation in the first paragraph, but the remaining paragraphs are indented. I suggest either indenting all of them or none of them.

I think you worked a little too hard in this piece to give descriptions of things. For instance, in just the first paragraph, you used "woolen brown cap", "velvety handbag", "tawny faux-fur coat", "bleached blonde hair". While I like the fact that you made it easy for the reader to develop an image of Bretta, I think it could be done in a less obvious way. This paragraph seemed a bit bogged down with the descriptions.

In the next-to-last sentence of the first paragraph, I would insert "it" after "chilly without". In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I would change "attentions" to "attention". I would also omit "proper" from that sentence and change the semicolon after "suit" to a comma. I would also omit "from himself" from that sentence, as I think it makes it a bit confusing. I would also change "as if the passage of time paused" to simply "as if time stood still".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting short story. I enjoyed the read, and I can already tell that you're going to be a great addition to the WDC community. I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
155
155
Review of The Irony of It  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I chose this story because of the interesting title and the even more interesting description, and I'm glad I did! This was a great short story! I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete story using 300 words or less, from a prompt, but you made it seem effortless here. I love the way you used the idea of writing a story from the given prompt in the story itself. I did something similar when I was in a contest in which I had to write 30 poems in 30 days and one of the prompts just didn't inspire me.

I especially like the way you incorporated things you normally do into the story. I could easily see something like this happening, and your dialogue was spot-on. The story was interesting from beginning to end, and I particularly liked the ending. It wrapped the story up nicely and left nothing to be desired. Great job!

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My Suggestions: Because of your terrific writing style and obvious eye for detail, I had to comb this piece in order to find suggestions to offer. Still, I was only able to find a few.

Near the end of the story, "I can't get passed" should be "I can't get past". Just keep in mind that "past" relates to location/distance while "passed" is used to describe the action of passing.

In the second-from-last paragraph, I couldn't figure out why the apostrophe was used after the word "story". I suggest omitting it.

Despite my best efforts, I have no more suggestions for improvement. This story was interesting, well-written and concise.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent read! I thoroughly enjoyed this short story, and I can already tell you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
156
156
Review of The Suicide Tree  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: Wow! You pack quite a bit of emotion into this short piece! You have a terrific idea here, and the story was interesting and original. Although it was rather short, it was adequate and definitely left me with something to think about. I love the way you personified the tree, and the ending was superb!

The last line of the story, "she became one with the tree", was my favorite. Even after the hint in the title of the story, I wasn't expecting this little twist at the end. Good job!

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My Suggestions: The format of this piece sort of ruined it for me. When I saw that it was written in such big bold letters with no capitalization, I almost didn't even read it. I can understand from the story's description that you wanted to hurry and type the piece while it was still fresh in your mind, and that's understandable. However, after you do that, then it's time to go back to it and format and revise! Upon first glance, this little piece that has so much to offer the reader looks like it would be just fluff. I urge you to edit this piece to attract more readers!

I would begin by using a smaller font and using capitalization at the beginning of every sentence. I would then separate the story into paragraphs for an even easier read. I think the second sentence would read more smoothly if you changed "she would only feel" to "she only felt". In the next sentence, I would add the word "and" before "her dad". Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence here. In the next sentence, I would change "would bully" to "bullied", again to make for a smoother read.

A couple of sentences later, you switch from past tense to present tense. I would revise so that the entire story is in past tense. In the next sentence, I would omit "of which she named". I would add "a smell that made her happy" to the end of the previous sentence. As it is, this is a sentence fragment, because there is no verb. The apostrophe should be omitted from the word "asks". When you go on to tell what she asks, it should be in quotation marks. Next, the apostrophe in "agrees" should be omitted. Finally, in the last sentence, I would insert the word "in" before "years to come".

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Overall: This is a good idea that could be so much better if you took the time to edit it! Should you choose to do so, I would be happy to review it again afterwards. Thank you for sharing this emotion-filled piece. I enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
157
157
Review of At What Price?  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: First of all, let me say that I'm impressed and amazed by the number of stories in your port. I love flash fiction, and I definitely know where to go now to get my fix!

This was an excellent story! I know from experience how difficult it is to write a complete and interesting story in 300 words or less, and you made it seem effortless here. I was especially impressed that you came up with this little gem from the three words listed after the end of the story!

The characters were interesting, and it was easy to imagine poor Jed's reaction to the eccentric Aiden. I like the way, even though Aiden seemed younger after drinking the elixir, Jed nevertheless chalked his explanation up to him being a nutjob. I believe I would have to try to talk my way in there and drink from that fountain! You ended the story on a perfect note, with Jed just going on about his day like he encountered something like that every day. Loved it!

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My Suggestions: The first few sentences seem a little short and unconnected and got the story off to a bit of a slow start. I suggest that you consider combining the first two sentences to read, "Jed looked at his work order and compared the street address before grabbing his tools and sauntering up the stone walkway." It wouldn't affect your word count, because "before" replaced "he", leaving the story at 300 words. I suggest doing the same to the next to sentences to read, "Overgrown shrubs encroached upon it, and he had to turn sideways to get through. That would change the word count, so a word would need to be omitted later.

I would suggest dropping "front" from the first sentence of the next paragraph, because most people would assume he was knocking on the front door regardless. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would move the comma after "damage" to after "down". In the third paragraph, "he" shouldn't be capitalized, because it's a continuation of the sentence after the quote.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this great short story! I really enjoyed the read, and I can't wait to come back to your port and read some more from the plethora of short stories!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
158
158
Review of Beautiful Hunter  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: First of all, I love the title you chose for this story. It works so well with the content, and I like that the hunter was hunting the beautiful rather than being beautiful himself. The prompt you used could have gone so many ways, and I like that you chose to write a humorous piece from it. It was easy to imagine the scene that you described, and I got a few chuckles out of it. It was a very original idea, and I like the way it played out.

I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete story with a limited word count, and you did a good job of that here. The transition from the narrator napping on the grass to the scene happening nearby was a bit bumpy. I love the way the story ended with the narrator's confusion when he woke up, but maybe, you could find a better transition at the beginning. It's difficult to write a story in first person narrative, yet tell what happens while the narrator sleeps. Maybe this one would work better in third person, at least to avoid that bumpy transition and confusion.

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My Suggestions: I would consider rearranging the first sentence to read, "I sit in the soft grass at the park and close my eyes." You say in the second sentence that the grass feels cool and green. How does green feel? I would consider changing this to simply "The grass feels cool." Also, you begin the story in present tense with "sit" and "feels", but in the third sentence, you say "I was too young for this." In order to remain in present tense, the sentence should be changed to "I am too young for this." In the last sentence of the first paragraph, the comma after "eyes" should be omitted.

In the second paragraph, you also switch back and forth between present and past tense. I suggest choosing one and staying with it. Also in the second paragraph, you say "with a curly beard spotted with gray". In order to make the gray spotting more significant, I suggest you tell what color the rest of the beard is. Near the end of that paragraph, the comma after "larger" should be omitted. In the fourth paragraph, "pageant" is spelled incorrectly. In that paragraph, you also go back and forth between tenses, and again, I suggest sticking with one. It seems that most of the story is in present tense, so I would change everything to reflect that.

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Overall: Thank you for providing this funny little piece. It's a good story that would be even better after a thorough edit. If you decide to do so, I would be happy to take another look at it afterward. I enjoyed reading this and look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
159
159
Review of Woman Bites Dog  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, PandaPaws Licensed VetTech Author Icon. I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I was somewhat horrified while reading this story, because the thought that Sarah had bitten dogs was looming in the back of my mind. While the description of the story isn't misleading, it made be think that Sarah was hiding something very dark. I think that worked really well! I got a good chuckle at the end, though. This was a great story! You held my interest throughout, and your descriptive writing allowed me to almost feel Sarah's panic at the arrival of the television crew. When you spoke of her crazy antics while growing up in Kentucky, numerous possibilities entered my mind, and I was somewhat relieved to find out her "dark" secret was really not too bad.

Although this story is rather short, it is complete; you gave sufficient character descriptions and background information, and it was easy to imagine the scenes as you described them. And the ending of the story was terrific. I love stories with a totally unexpected ending, and this one was superb!

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My Suggestions: First of all, I would suggest skipping a line between the paragraphs to make the story easier to read and more visually appealing.

You described Man Bites Dog as a reality show, but that's pretty much all we learn about it. While I think a bit of ambiguity is good in this instance, I think it was a little too ambiguous here. After all, if candidate for the show had changed his name several times to avoid his past, then it would have had to have been a lot worse than Sarah's. While I love the story's title, I don't know if the name of the show being "Man Bites Dog" works well with this story. I would consider changing the name of the show to something like "You Did WHAT?!?" That would be sufficient allow the reader to think that Sarah did something horrible but wouldn't be so misleading.

In the second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "house" so that "right in front of her house" is set off with commas. I would either italicize "Oh no" or put in in quotes to make it more apparent that it was Sarah's thought. Also, that sentence is a run-on sentence. This could be remedied by changing the comma after "deep breath" to a semicolon. Otherwise, you have two complete sentences separated with only a comma and no conjunction. You have the same issue a couple of sentences later with, "Could she hide and ignore it, should she answer it?" I would suggest inserting the word "or" after the comma to remedy this run-on sentence. You have the same issue again with the last sentence of that paragraph. I would remedy it this time by changing the comma after "window" to a semicolon. A couple of sentences later, the issue comes up again. While I think you may have been just trying to show how frantic Sarah was by running her thoughts together, doing in so much in such a short space somewhat detracted from the story for me.

When the burly crew member asked for a moment of her time, the sentence should have ended in a question mark, and the punctuation should be inside the quotations rather than afterward like the comma is. It was very hard for me to believe that a television crew would stop at a stranger's house and ask for dinner. I can't imagine that happening anywhere, especially with all the restaurants around, not to mention the dangers involved in doing that. Also, "they could almost taste the cornbread" didn't seem to fit the rest of the story for me. The rest of the story was told from Sarah's point of view, and it seemed strange to switch to the crew's POV here.

Finally, in the last sentence of the story, I would omit either "However" or "though" because they mean the same thing.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this great short story. I really enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work!


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
160
160
Review of A day's eye  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Angelica Weatherby- Bday WDC 5 Author Icon. I am honored to review your flashback as a part of your shower at "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: This is a very interesting way to set up the plot of a novel, and it seems like it would be a great story. However, it was extremely difficult to get into the story due to all of the grammatical and mechanical errors. I think you have a great plot, and Shellie and Darkie seem like likable characters that would be easy for a wide variety of readers to relate to. In this short piece, you had me empathizing with both characters as well as worrying about what the five strangers would do to them. I like the way you ended the piece with a cliffhanger. You definitely left me wanting to read more, which I believe is what you intended with this piece. Good job!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: First of all, II would capitalize every word in the title to make the story appear more visually appealing. In that regard, I would also change the description from "Shellie = protagonist" to "Shellie is the protagonist. I would also omit "in a way" and "*cough*". I think that would also make the piece seem more serious and professionally written.

It seems that you intended to write this in past tense, but you switch from past to present often. I suggest doing a complete edit to remedy this. For instance, in the first paragraph, "Darkie was" should be changed to "Darkie is". In the third paragraph, "Shellie dislikes" should be "Shellie disliked" and "there are" should be "there were". In the fourth paragraph, "they are" should be "they were". In the fifth paragraph, "Shellie starts" should be "Shellie started". In the seventh paragraph, "Shellie follows" should be "Shellie followed".

I would omit the word "too" at the end of second sentence. I found the addition of that word confusing, as I couldn't find any other thing that it could relate to. The following sentence made no sense to me: "They looked too strong to do some defensive moves in the matter that they decided to do something." Did you mean something like "They looked so strong that Shellie doubted she'd be able to defend herself should they decide to do something."? Also, in that paragraph, "Turning her back would not upset her friend at this point as long as those strangers would not mention her." confused me. What do you mean by "as long as those strangers would not mention her"? Did you mean mention that she turned her back on Darkie? Wouldn't Darkie have noticed without the strangers mentioning it? In the last paragraph, "and going" should be "and were going".

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: This is a good piece that would be much better after a thorough edit. If you decide to do so, I would be happy to take a look at it again afterwards. Thank you for sharing, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
161
161
Review of Connections  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I love the title you chose for this story, and, after reading the story, it took on an even more special meaning. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a coherent and interesting story which such a stringent word limit, but you made it seem effortless here. You did an excellent job of telling about Karen through her thoughts rather than boring background detail. I must admit that I thought I knew exactly how this story would end, but I was totally wrong! I especially like stories with a supernatural twist, and this one was right up my alley! I think we all need someone like Karen's husband at times to remind us of all the good things about life.

I thought the repetition of the three words near the end of the story was clever and memorable. The small change in the words in the last few sentences was great. A short story with a bit of the paranormal and an unexpected ending = a terrific read. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I was a bit confused as to what Disconnection was referring to since it was italicized throughout. That made it seem like it was some sort of title (of a book or movie) or something similar, but I don't think that's what you intended, especially since you mentioned that her husband's murder taught her about it. I would reconsider italicizing the word in the story.

In the last sentence of the first paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Somehow", and "even cruel" should be set off with commas. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Most days" and another inserted after "this day". Also, in that paragraph, since you didn't say the exact words the person said to her, the quotation marks should be omitted.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this well-written short story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
162
162
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You started with an interesting title and description, and the Prologue was as good as expected! I like the way you tell the story from the alien's point of view, and you point out many things that aliens likely question that I would have never considered. I also like the way you personified the alien, even talking about his employer. I especially like the way the alien talked about the reason the driver of the spaceship appreciated him.

I really enjoyed this prologue, and it has made me anxious to read the story. Although science fiction isn't one of my favorite genres, I think I would like your story. If it's half as interesting as the prologue, I know I would!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, the word "I" should be capitalized throughout the story. I thought you might have written it in lowercase because the narrator was an alien, but I checked out a few more of your stories, and it appears that you always write it that way. I would also choose either present or past tense for the story and stick with the chosen tense. The first two sentences are written in present tense, the next three are past tense, etc. I suggest changing the entire story to past tense.

In the second paragraph, you have "probably just" twice within two sentences. I suggest changing one of them to avoid overuse. Also in that sentence, "laying around" should be "lying around". In that sentence, the comma after "comedies" should be omitted. There are several sentence fragments throughout the story. For instance, the first and last sentences of the third paragraph aren't complete sentences; neither of them has a verb.

The first sentence of the fourth paragraph, "You see, the house i stay in has a special roof which retracts, that way we can beam up a specimen." is a run-on sentence. That could be remedied by changing it to, "You see, the house I stay in has a special roof that retracts. That way, we can beam up a specimen." In the following paragraph, I would change the period after "U.F.O's" to a comma and continue the sentence with, "which apparently..." Also, one thing to remember: a sentence that begins with "Which" or "Because" usually isn't a completely sentence, especially as written in this piece.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting prologue! It's a good introduction to the story that would be even better after a thorough edit. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out the finished work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
163
163
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a really good and interesting story, but it was hard to get past all of the grammatical, mechanical and typographical errors. I had to stop reading many times to determine what you really meant because of the misplaced punctuation.

You have a good idea here, and first person narrative worked well for this piece. People are hesitant to accuse someone who has been hurt and appears helpless of committing any crime. This story reminds us that one can never be too certain. I like the way you showed what was happening in the story through your words rather than just telling the story. The narrator's wicked thoughts were especially interesting. And you did a great job of character development for such a short piece. As I read it, it was easy for me to determine the relationship between the narrator and his sister.

I also like the way you ended the story, bringing us back to the story's title. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would capitalize "always" and "tomorrow" in the story's title. In the description, the period after "neighbors" should be a question mark, since you're asking a question. In the second sentence of the description, "if not" should be set off with commas. That sentence should end with a question mark as well, because you're asking another question. Rather than doing a line-by-line edit of the story, I'm just going to point out the errors in the first few paragraphs and suggest that you edit the entire story. If you would like additional assistance, email me, and I'll be glad to help!

In the beginning of the story, you have, "My sister pushed me out on the porch,turned me slightly. So I could get a better look at the school crossing, in front of our house." As it is, there are problems with verb choice, sentence fragments and misused punctuation. I suggest changing the sentence to, "My sister pushed me out on the porch, turning me slightly so I could get a better look at the school crossing in front of our house."

In the second paragraph, you say, "Things had been this way every sense I left the hospital. The last doctor visit, The doctor commented. I would have thought he would have improved some by now. I don't understand it." In the first sentence, "every sense" should be "ever since". I suggest changing the next sentence to, "At my last doctor visit, the doctor commented, "I thought he would have improved some by now. I don't understand it.""

I won't try to rewrite any more of the story, but I do suggest that you read it aloud to determine where there should be pauses. If there shouldn't be one, then there shouldn't be a comma or period there. A few more things I will point out: If you are quoting what somebody said, there should be quotation marks around the statement. If you're giving an age range, it should be "six to ten", not "six till ten". "Till" is an abbreviated way of saying "until". If you are shortening "you are", it should be written as "you're", not "your". "Your" means belonging to you. Finally, there should be a space after every comma.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this piece! It's a good short story that would be much better after a thorough edit. I look forward to reading more!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
164
164
Review of The Experiment  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*

First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: I love flash fiction, and you did a good job with this one. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a coherent and interesting story in 300 words or less, and you made it seem effortless here. You did an excellent job of creating a story with an original idea using the given prompt, and you were even able to throw in a little twist at the end. Good job!

You started with an interesting title and description, and your invitation to join the characters was unique and made me anxious to read the story. I like your aliens' names, and your descriptive writing made it easy to picture them as well as the setting of the story. I loved your description of the alien's long green tongue. I could just imagine the orange creature with the green tongue. The entire story was interesting, but the twist at the end made it even better. It's hard to create a surprise ending for such a short story, but I never saw it coming.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would omit some of the spaces between the paragraphs. I think that would make the story easier to read as well as more visually appealing. Next, I would suggest you edit the story for punctuation errors. For instance, in the second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "planet". In the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "abruptly". In the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Cord". Also, "you're" is spelled incorrectly. Remember, if it's a contraction for "you are", it should be spelled "you're", not "your".

In the fourth paragraph, there are two questions, so each of those sentences should end with a question mark. In the next paragraph, "stopped" should be changed to "stop". In the last sentence of that paragraph, the period after "visited" should be a comma. A couple of paragraphs later, "Why did you do that" should end with a question mark. In the next paragraph, "Looking down ashamed." is a sentence fragment. I suggest changing it to something like "He looked down in shame." In the following paragraph, "exclaimed" shouldn't be capitalized. In the next paragraph, I would insert the word "him" after "informed".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting little story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community! I look forward to reading more.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
165
165
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Oh how I miss those Seinfeld episodes! You brought the characters back to life with this story. I could easily picture the scene as you described it, and it would be a believable Seinfeld episode. Any fan of Seinfeld could tell that you have captured the essence of the characters in this piece. It was almost as though I was sitting in front of the television, enjoying a new episode.

You did a good job of telling a complete and interesting story in the 500 word range. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story using so few words, but you made it seem effortless here. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First and foremost, I would capitalize "Guest" in the title of the story.

You have written this story in present tense, but there are some instances in which you switch to past. For example, in the second paragraph, you say, "The doorbell rang. Aunt Selma shuffled..." In keeping with present tense, this should be changed to "The doorbell rings. Aunt Selma shuffles..." A couple of sentences later, "I knew" should be "I know". You would have to continue making changes for tense agreement until you get to "I raise my eyebrow..." However, a few sentences later, you switch back to past tense.

In the fourth paragraph, there should be closing quotes after "shirt back". There are instances throughout the story, mostly before a name, were commas should be inserted. For example, there should be a comma between "Jerry" and "integrity" in the sixth paragraph. Also, you seem to have a little trouble with run-on sentences in conversations. The sentence, "I wouldn’t know Jerry, after all, you were the one who left your shirt in the laundry room, anyone could have tried it on." has numerous run-ons. I think it would read better as "I wouldn't know, Jerry. After all, you were the one who left your shirt in the laundry room. Anyone could have tried it on."

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Overall: Thank you for providing this humorous read. It was a good story that could be even better after a thorough edit. I enjoyed the read and look forward to vising your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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166
166
Review of Sweet Douglas  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This was a sweet, beautiful story, and I loved the ending. It took me some time to get into the story, because it started out a bit slow in order to provide adequate background. The ending made up for it, though, and I actually got goosebumps as I read about Cynthia's whispered "Goodbye." The epilogue was a nice touch, helping the reader to realize how significant the key and that last goodbye really was.

I could easily imagine little Cynthia and Douglas playing on the slide. You gave great physical descriptions of them. I could also imagine their sweet, shy first kiss and the subsequent joy, then loss. Great job!

I did wonder about the significance of mentioning Cynthia's illness and her Grandmother in the story. While I realize that it provided background, I can't help but think that some of that space (especially in a story this short) could be better used telling more about her relationship with Douglas. I'm still not quite sure why they never saw each other again after that day on the slide. After all, Cynthia had just moved there, and the story doesn't mention that Douglas had plans to move or that he was suffering from an illness. It was a bit confusing for me.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the first paragraph, "in December" should be set off with commas. In the third paragraph, "in April" should be set off with commas. In the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "At first". In that paragraph, I would omit the word "and" before "her old friends", because you use "and" again after that. In the following paragraph, I would omit the "and" before "had blonde hair" for the same reason. In the next-to-last sentence of that paragraph, "The often shared" should be "They often shared".

There seemed to be too much going on in the story with very little description for each. We have Cynthia's illness, her grandmother, her move, her new friend Douglas, and then her loss of Douglas without a reason. I suggest focusing on just one thing, particularly Cynthia and Douglas, and telling about it more thoroughly.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this lovely short story. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
167
167
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You make a lot of great points in this essay. You offer your ideas about the causes and effects of the financial difficulties faced today. You also offer your ideas on possible solutions to these problems. One such suggestion is to provide large amounts of money to families. While I think that is a wonderful idea, I do wonder where that money is supposed to come from. Also, what about the individuals who are facing the same financial difficulties? Should they be overlooked because they don't have families?

You did do a good job with this essay. You began by stating your opinion. The body of the essay consisted of reasons behind your opinion. Then, you ended the essay by coming back to your original assertion - that the world needs financial aid. Although I don't think it's as cut and dry as it appears in the essay, I totally agree with your conclusion. And whether or not I agree doesn't matter. You did a good job of stating your opinion and using various things to support that opinion. Good job.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I suggest that you review this piece for grammatical and spelling errors. For instance, in the first sentence, "needs" is spelled incorrectly. In the second sentence, "he" should be "the". You also say in that sentence that the recession has made many people unemployed. I think it would be more concise to say that it has caused many people to lose their jobs. In the following sentence, "occurred" is spelled incorrectly. In that sentence, "therefore" should be set off with commas.

Speaking of the word "therefore", I think it is overused in this short essay. You used it three times in four paragraphs. I suggest considering changing at least one of them. In the third paragraph, you say "some didn't received the money they were owed." In the very next sentence, you say "They did receive the money they were owed." I would omit the sentence, because it directly contradicts the first one. Finally, in the last paragraph, I would change "over-precautious" to "overly cautious".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this thought provoking essay. I enjoyed the read and look forward to reading more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
168
168
Review of wondoring  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a beautiful and inspiring piece. I'm sure that most of us can relate to those feelings of being lost, and I think this piece is something we all need to remember during those times. You characterized those feelings perfectly and offered some hope at the end. So many times, we feel discouraged and forget why we are even trying. This piece helps us to remember why.

Although this piece is rather short, it's complete, and you take us through a variety of emotions. I love the way you ended on a positive note, providing encouragement to keep going. Great job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I suggest that you omit some of the spaces between each line. To me, it made the piece a bit hard to read, and it wasn't as visually appealing as it would have been without all the extra spaces.

"Wandering" is spelled incorrectly in the title and throughout this piece. Since the word is so prevalent, the misspelling detracts from the piece. I would also consider changing the description, because you say it's a couple of words that you need to remember, but it's much more than a couple words. I would change it to something like "Just something I need to remember when I'm down".

Near the end of the piece, "smiling at my" should be "smiling at me". A couple of sentences later, "what lie ahead" should be "what lies ahead".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this little inspiring piece. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and will definitely be checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
169
169
Review of Moving to Albion  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This story was very interesting, and it left me with a lot of questions about the narrator's father. I initially wanted you to give more detail in the story about what the father had done, but, on second thought, I think the story is good as is. You gave adequate reasons for the narrator's dislike for the place, and the few details you gave about the father made the story more interesting. Although the piece left a few questions, it didn't completely leave the reader hanging.

First person narrative suited this story, and I like the way you chose to tell it in present tense. Even though the story is short, it's complete enough, and you delivered what you promised in the description. I could easily imagine the narrator walking along the streets in despair. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the second paragraph, "Pygmy" should be capitalized, and it is spelled incorrectly. In that same sentence, I would omit one of the instances of the word "had". In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "somewhere else". The last sentence of that paragraph, "Just walk." seems out of place and too vague. I suggest changing it to, "I should stop thinking and just walk." In the next paragraph, the sentence that begins with "How weird" should end with a question mark. In the last sentence of that paragraph, "What with what dad did" is way too confusing. I would change it to "Especially considering what dad did".

In the next paragraph, "It reminds you of your" should be "It reminds me of my" because you're talking about your own thoughts here. In that same paragraph, "It could have been you," should be in quotation marks, because you're directly quoting what the lawyers said. In the next paragraph, you say something "broke two halves of the corner away". If that's the case, it would have broken the corner off completely, because two halves make a whole. I would change this. Finally, I would change the last paragraph to past tense, because the rest of the story is in past tense.

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Overall: Thank you for providing this interesting story! I enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
170
170
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: Ah, it's so nice to see the good guy actually prevail. This was a great story. Although it was short, it was complete, and it left no questions unanswered. First person narrative worked well for this story. Whether or not it was based on an actual experience that you had, it's something that could easily happen, and it was believable.

I'm sure that most of us can relate to this piece in some way. I worked as a cashier in college, and there were many instances in which customers tried to pull one over on me. I was glad the narrator of this story wasn't so naive to be duped a second time, and I was even more glad that arguing with the customer had no negative repercussions. Great job!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: I would capitalize "not" in the title. I would skip a line between the paragraphs in the story to make it more visually appealing and easier to read. In the first sentence, I would insert a comma after "college". In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would change "8" to "eight", because numbers under 10 are usually written out. In the second paragraph, I would change "Not really paying attention." to "I wasn't really paying attention." Otherwise, this is a sentence fragment. I would insert "The guy" at the beginning of the next sentence for the same reason. I know that was probably intentional here, but you mentioned the guy in the first sentence of the paragraph, then referring to yourself in the first sentence fragment and finally, you were referring to the guy in the last one. As a result, this paragraph isn't as clear as it would be if the fragments were avoided.

In the first sentence of the third paragraph, I would omit "back late". In that paragraph, you switched from past tense to present tense with the sentence, "I bet he is going to try to scam me again, so I’ll play along to a point." I suggest changing that sentence to "I figured he was going to try to scam me again, so I decided to play along." In that paragraph, the sentenced that begins with "Grabbed" is a sentence fragment, because it lacks a subject. I suggest inserting "He" at the beginning of the sentence. Also "Juicy Fruit" should be capitalized.

Toward the end of the story, "your not" should be "you're not", because it's a contraction for "you are". Finally, in the last paragraph, by saying his girlfriend was already in the car in the first sentence and starting the next sentence with "She took off..." makes it seem like she drove off without him. Reading on, I don't think you meant to indicate that, so I suggest reviewing and rewriting these two sentences for clarity.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting story. I really enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. I will definitely be checking out more of your work!


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171
171
Review of Amy  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: I think you underestimate this story in its description. It is not "simple". It's a very interesting story, and I absolutely love the ending. First person narrative worked well for this piece, and I was empathizing the narrator until the last part of the story. Then, boom! You really provided an excellent twist. I love stories with a twist at the end, and you did a terrific job with the twist on this one.

I like the way you started the story with the narrator's confusion and let him have clarity at the end. The way he spoke to the reader in a sort of dialogue made the story more interesting and allowed me to get more involved in it. You chose a good setting for the story, and you easily held my interest from beginning to end. And, again, the end was terrific!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the third sentence of the first paragraph, I would change "I mean" to "I thought". As it is, you're declaring in one sentence that it isn't possible and contradict yourself in the next by saying it is. A few sentence later, "three time" should be "three times" and I would change "for them each time to be pulled close" to "just to have them pulled closed". I would omit "with them" from the last sentence of that paragraph. In the first sentence of the next paragraph, "have" should be "had", because the first part of that sentence is in past tense.

A couple of paragraphs later, a semicolon should be inserted between "online" and "this was progress". In that paragraph, I would insert quotation marks around "we" in the third sentence. The next-to-last sentence should end with a question mark. In the last sentence, I would change the comma after "before" and start a new sentence with "No, they aren't..." Two paragraphs later, third sentence, I would insert quotation marks around "we". A few sentences later, you say "my left one feels weaker". Your left what? Leg? If so, I would change "one" to "leg", because there's nothing in this paragraph that "one" could refer to. In that paragraph, I would insert a semicolon, or at least a comma, after "that's what it is". In the last sentence of that paragraph, you say it doesn't hurt, you must be ok, but then you say you'll have to go to the hospital. Another contradiction. Why would you have to go to the hospital if you're ok?

You have quite a few run-on sentences in this story. For instance, near the end of the story, you say, "I look around I can't see Amy anywhere or the car, I am still on the road." You have three complete sentences here (I look around. I can't see Amy or the car anywhere. I am still on the road.). I changed the position of "or the car" to make the sentence read more fluidly. To avoid the run-on sentence or the three somewhat boring sentence by separating them, I would change it to something like, "I look around but don't see Amy or the car anywhere. Yet, I am still on the road." You have the same problem with the first half of the next paragraph. "eat it's" should be "eat its" because "it's" is a contraction for "it is".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this horror story. It's a good piece that would be even better after a quick edit. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
172
172
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: This story was something I could really relate to! I've had those days where everything seemed to go wrong, and I could definitely sympathize with poor Jess. You told the story in a humorous way, and it was easy to get a chuckle out of the mishaps while feeling sorry for her. I also have some of those overly optimistic friends like Dot, and I could easily imagine Jess's frustration with her.

First person narrative worked well with this story, and it made it easier for me to 'get into' the story as I read. One disaster after another made me anxious to find out how the day would end. Speaking of the end, I love the ending you chose for the story. You ended it perfectly, bringing us back to the story's title.

One of my favorite things about the story was your referring to the broken refrigerator as a "deceased appliance". *Laugh*

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would suggest that you use the description line to tell a little bit about the story rather than that it was a contest entry. When looking for an item to read, people often glance at the description to determine whether or not it will be interesting. Saying that it's a contest entry neither gives the reader any information about the story or makes it appear interesting.

You made a common mechanical error in this piece. In every instance of your mention of the Griswolds, you inserted an apostrophe in "Griswolds". There shouldn't be an apostrophe in the word unless you're attempting to show possession. For instance, if you say "the Griswold's dog", the apostrophe would be warranted, because you're showing possession. If, however, as in the first paragraph of the story, you say, Griswolds Take Vacation, there shouldn't be an apostrophe, because you're not indicating possession. I believe that every instance of "Griswold's" that I saw in the story should be "Griswolds".

Finally, my biggest issue with the story is that you teased us throughout with hints of how terrible your little vacation was, but you offered no explanation of what actually happened during the vacation. While your description of all of the mishaps after you returned home was excellent, it was somewhat overshadowed by the expectation of finding out what happened on the vacation, making the story seem like it left something to be desired. Since there is a 1,000 word limitation, I suggest focusing on one or the other, but not both.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this great short story. Judging from this well-written piece, I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community! I look forward to reading more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
173
173
Review of Five Golden Rings  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Annie Author IconMail Icon! I'm reviewing "Five Golden RingsOpen in new Window. for the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. Contest.

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Thoughts: This is a terrific story! Writing about a frazzled mother trying to handle a weekend before Christmas alone, especially while trying to clean and care for kids and a dog, is something I'm sure many women can relate to. You did a perfect job of describing the family interactions, and your descriptive writing made it easy for me to picture the scenes as you described them. First person narrative worked well for this piece; I think it's somewhat easier to sympathize with the main character of a first person story.

As I read, I was wondering how you were going to put the five rings together at the end, and you did so brilliantly. From the note through the end of the story, I was actually smiling and thinking that this is the perfect time of year to read a heartwarming story such as this one. It also served as a reminder that we should think twice before we accusing someone of not caring or resent someone for not being there.

As the story unfolded, I was lost in Janet's world. You easily held my attention from beginning to end. In fact, I was so wrapped up in the well-written story, I hadn't even noticed that all of characters names began with 'J' until that last part of the story. I must say that was a clever touch, and it provided another bond for this family. Great job!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Suggestions: The only issue I could really see in the story is a misplacement of commas. One think I would suggest is, before placing a comma before "and", check to see if you would have two complete sentences without the word "and". If not, there's no need for a comma.

In the second sentence of the second paragraph,a comma should be inserted after "table". In the following sentence, the comma after "hand" should be omitted. I would omit the word "up" from the third paragraph. In the first sentence of the ninth paragraph, the comma after "pen" should be omitted. In the next paragraph, I would change "said" to "asked".

In the sentence, "After drying her up, and giving Jenny a bottle, and sponging the bathroom floor, and putting Jenny down for a nap, it was time for baking holiday cookies.", I would omit the word "up" and some of the "and"s. I would rewrite to read, "After drying her, giving Jenny a bottle, sponging the bathroom floor and putting Jenny down for a nap, it was time to back holiday cookies."

Four paragraphs later, I would change "wrapping" to "wrap".

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


Overall: Thank you for providing this excellent short story. I really enjoyed the read, and I will definitely be visiting your port again soon!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
174
174
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Jeannie🌺 Author Icon. I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this story, and the photograph fit it perfectly. From the genre and the description, I expected it to be more suspenseful, but I loved the happy ending. I have been reading a lot of horror stories lately and, although I love that genre, it's nice to read a heartwarming story such as this, especially during this time of year.

Although I usually read stories shorter than this, this one held my interest throughout. The characters were likable and interesting, and you handled their interactions well. I like the way the children resembled their ancestors in the photographs, and the way the characters found out not only who lost the photograph, but also about the people in the photo, was very clever!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: This is something rather petty, but I found it worth mentioning. In the second paragraph, you say, "I found it walking along..." At first glance, it appears that Jackie was saying the photograph was walking. I could consider changing it to "I found it when I was walking along..."

In the fourth paragraph, you forgot to put the opening quotes before "Thanks". In that same paragraph, I think "Allen Wiese came to mind; her friend who was now a semi-retired photographer" would sound better if rearranged as "Allen Wiese, her friend who was now a semi-retired photographer, came to mind. In the following sentence, "He's" should be "He'd" since you're telling the story in past tense.

In the tenth paragraph, you added an 'h' to "Ronda" (spelling it Rhonda). In that same paragraph, you say "Come over when she can" when it should be "Come over when you can". A couple of paragraphs later, "desk" shouldn't be capitalized. A couple of paragraphs later, you put an 'h' in "Rhonda" again. In fact, you alternate between "Rhonda" and "Ronda" throughout the rest of the story.

In the paragraph that begins "Allen was seated...", in the last sentence of that paragraph, "he" shouldn't be capitalized in "he said". Five paragraphs later, "documents and take them" should be "documents and taken them". Eight paragraphs later, in the sentence, "I think we can help each other out you", the word "you" should be omitted at the end of that sentence. Ten paragraphs later, you say "they both sat down together on the couch". I would omit either "both" or "together" because they're repetitive. In the next sentence, I believe the word "her" should be omitted.

A few paragraphs later, where you say "inform us of a serious car accident, that Allison died on impact", I think it would sound better as "inform us of a serious car accident in which Allison died on impact. In the following sentence, the comma after "shock" isn't needed. Four paragraphs later, there should be closing quotation marks after "meet them". In the next paragraph, you introduce a quote by saying "she said", but then you said "Susan said" at the end of the quote. You don't need the "Susan said". A few paragraphs later, "be so thrill" should be "be so thrilled". In the next paragraph, "excited" is spelled incorrectly.

Three paragraphs later, you say "They thrilled us...", but since none of the story is written in first person, I was unclear as to whom "us" referred. Similarly, near the end of the story, you refer to "our stunned faces", but the story is in third person narrative, so this doesn't make sense.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this heartwarming story. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to visiting your port again soon!


*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
175
175
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a good chapter, but it is replete with grammatical, mechanical and spelling errors. You have an excellent idea, and the action packed scenes held my interest and made me anxious to see what would happen to poor Jarrett. Even after the initial conflict is resolved, you leave the reader with many questions and reasons to keep reading. For instance, why was Jarrett so angry and careless? I hope to find an answer in the next chapter.

I especially liked the line "the wind is howling a melancholy song in his ear," and I think it and similar lines do a terrific job of setting the tone of the story. You also did a good job with your vivid descriptions of the scenes. I could easily imagine the tumultuous storm.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would capitalize the words in the title. I think that makes it look more professional and more visually appealing to the reader. In the story's description, "ripped" is spelled incorrectly.

Is there a reason this chapter was so short? If the next chapter is similarly brief, I would suggest combining them. And while I love a good cliffhanger to end a chapter, I don't think you should have ended in mid-sentence or without punctuation.

There are several compound words that you should combine. The following are examples: "breath taking" should be "breathtaking", "heart beat" should be "heartbeat", "him self" should be "himself" and "sun set" should be "sunset". In the third paragraph, you have "felt him self self falling". This should be "felt himself falling". Also, it seems you have difficultly with "where" and "were". In the last paragraph, both instances of the word should be "were". For reference, "where" refers to location while "were" is the plural of was. Tense was also an issue in the story. You began with past tense, but you quickly switched to present, then back to past, etc. I suggest rewriting in all past tense.

In the first paragraph, you say, "He's heard the heart beat of the world and listened to the breathing of the oceans, the songs smells and sounds of the ocean he has heard." I think that sentence would sound better if you would combine "heartbeat", change the comma to a period and omit the rest of the sentence. And I think it would be an excellent sentence. But everything after the comma is just confusing. It's worded strangely, and how can you hear the smells of the ocean?
In the third paragraph, "blursand" should be "blurs and". In the last paragraph, "proceeded", "collapsed", "again" and "scanned" are misspelled. There are also several misplaced commas in the story. I suggest reading it to determine whether or not there should be a pause at each place you have a comma. If you don't pause there when reading it, then it's likely the comma should be omitted.

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Overall: This is an interesting story, and it could be really good after a thorough edit. If you decide to do so, I'd be happy to look at it again afterward. Thanks for sharing!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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