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176
176
Review of A Short Memory  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: This is quite an emotional piece you have here! Although it is rather short, you manage to get your point across and adequately describe longing for someone whom you thought you had forgotten. Every so often, a person feels melancholy for no particular reason. This would be the perfect piece to describe that feeling.

The title of the story is appealing, and first person narrative works well for this piece. The story's description evidences that the narrator may just be wishing that he could forget. Also, the story goes to show that, even if you do think you have forgotten someone, those sad feelings sometimes just won't go away. I particularly liked the last line and imagining someone whispering to the night sky. Nice touch!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: In the story's description, "than" is spelled incorrectly. Also, I think it would sound better if you changed "I" to "I'd". I would omit the word "down" from the first sentence. After all, how else could tears be falling? You need to insert a space after the period in the first sentence. In the fourth sentence, "in this cold night" should be "on this cold night". In the following sentence, a comma should be inserted after "cried and cried".

In the middle of this piece, you switch from past tense to present tense in two sentences (beginning "I try..." and "I feel...") I suggest remaining in past tense throughout the story. Especially in such a short piece, the change in tense interrupted the flow of the story. Near the end, a comma should be inserted after "Tonight". In the last sentence, in accordance with keeping the story past tense, "can" should be "could". Also, I would change the semicolon to a hyphen, and I wouldn't capitalize the word "girl".

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this emotion-filled piece. I enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work. Again, welcome to WDC. You're going to be a great addition here!

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177
177
Review of From Prompt  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I really liked this scary tale! You began the story with adequate background information before jumping right into the conflict. I love the way you took the reader through the narrator's myriad of emotions. Your descriptive writing style made it easy to experience the uneasiness that the narrator was feeling. You also did a great job of describing the spooky character the narrator encountered, adding to the suspense.

Although first person narrative worked well with this story, I couldn't help but ask at the end, "OK, so how did the narrator write the story?" I loved the ending, but it did leave me with that question. Something to consider.

I loved the line, "After a deep breath, I felt no less scared, but a little lightheaded." Despite the danger of the situation, I couldn't help but smile at that clever bit of humor.

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: I would change the title. You could come up with something really interesting and creative, but "From Prompt" gives no information at all about the story. In the first sentence, I would omit the word "today", because you aready mentioned having a long day, so it's obvious you're talking about today. In the second sentence, "against all odds" should be set off with commas. The word "with" should be omitted from the third sentence. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "those days". Next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "At home".

In the second paragraph, I would consider omitting "surrounding the road" because it's unnecessary - that's generally what streetlights do. The comma after "followed" in the next sentence is unnecessary. "Except on the nights we were graced with a full moon." is a sentence fragment. I suggest adding it to the end of the previous sentence to remedy this. In the next sentence, a semicolon should be inserted after "full". A couple of sentences later, "where to happen" should be "were to happen", and a comma should be inserted after "happen".

In the first sentence of the third paragraph, "don't" should be "didn't", since the rest of the story is told in past tense. In that paragraph, a comma should be placed after both instances of "This time". Same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "slightly". A few sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "situation". "just checked up him" should be "just checked on him". A comma should be inserted after "if I didn't get out". Also, in that paragraph, you mention being too afraid to stop. I would reconsider that, because you had already stopped.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for providing this eerie little read! I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community. I look forward to reading more of your work!

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178
178
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I can tell this is going to be a very interesting story. You captured my interest with the missing girl and held it through the glove that was dripping blood. I love the way you're telling two stories within the story, and I think both of them will be nail biters! Add to that a possible town conspiracy/cover up, and you have a terrific story in the works!

I like the way you hinted that Audrey was living a double life. I also like the way you switched from a story about a missing teen to one about a gentleman's club, and I wonder if Audrey was somehow involved with the club. I also couldn't help but wonder how long Audrey had been missing when she was found, and I didn't see that anywhere in the story. Guess I'll have to wait for you to post more of the story to find out. *Wink*

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: I suggest capitalizing "Disappearance" in the story's title. In the second sentence, a period should be inserted after "town", and you should start a new sentence with, "In fact..." A comma should be inserted after "fact" and another inserted after "other" in that sentence. I don't think her physical description should be in the sentence describing her as the brightest in all her classes. I would separate those sentences. I would change "intended on going" to "intended to go". In that paragraph, you have a run-on sentence that could be remedied by changing the comma after "light up the room" to a period and starting a new sentence with "Even though she..." A few sentences later, "wanted too" should be "wanted to".

I would mention that the girl's name was Audrey in the first paragraph instead of waiting until the second. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I would omit either "whole" or "entire", because they have the same meaning and you don't need both of them. Also, to avoid another run-on sentence, the comma after "for her" should be changed to a period, and a new sentence should begin with, "They searched..." In the newspaper announcement, "confirmation" is spelled incorrectly. Also, I think it's a bit unrealistic to say a newspaper release would use the words "mangled body".

In the last paragraph, "are in attendance" should be "were in attendance" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. In the next sentence, "a young women" should be "a young woman" and "walks" should be "walked". Also, that sentence is VERY long. I suggest splitting it into at least two sentences. A few sentences later, "watch" should be "watched" and "slide" should be "slid".

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: This is a good start to a story that would be even better after a thorough edit. I enjoyed the read and can't wait to check out more of your work!

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179
179
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: This is the beginning to what would likely be an excellent story! I'm sure that many of us can relate to falling for our best friend as well as "the one that got away". You described the situation perfectly, even going so far as telling all of the things that teachers and other adults promise upon graduation from high school. I went through that same experience, and, like you, I wasn't all that excited about losing some of my friends.

First person narrative works well for this story, and your descriptive writing style made it easy to picture Wilson, and I could easily see why you fell for him. Ending the story when the volleyball player came into his life was just wrong. I HAVE to know what happened! *Laugh*

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: First I would suggest breaking the story into paragraphs to make it more visually appealing and easier to read. In the short description at the beginning, "should of gone" should be "should have gone". In the fourth paragraph, I'd change "would say" to said, since you're writing the story in past tense instead of future tense. A few sentences later "have my friends" should be "having my friends" to make it parallel with "walking" in the same sentence. Several sentences later, "of course" should be set off with commas.

From the sentence "It scares me how much we know about each other" through the rest of this piece, you have difficulty with keeping the story in past tense. I suggest changing "scares" to "scared", "know" to "knew" and editing the remainder of the story to reflect past tense. After that sentence, I would change "how he and I" to "that he and I". A few sentences later, "he's have brief flings" should be "he'd have brief flings".

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: I really enjoyed this teaser from a book you hope to write, and I would strongly suggest that you follow through. I can already tell you're going to be a terrific addition to the WDC community, and I can't wait to read more of your work!

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180
180
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. that you won at the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. raffle.

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Thoughts: Oh, I was so disappointed when I got to the end of this and realized it wasn't complete. I guess I was given a clue when I saw that it was labeled a novel and started with "Chapter One", but I went on my merry little way reading it, really getting into the story, until it abruptly ended. Maybe you could put a note at the beginning that it's a work in progress?

I really liked what I read of the story. I love the title of the story, and that alone would make me want to read the story. You did a good job of setting the background for the story and describing Jolene's nightmare that kept recurring. At the end of the chapter, you give the reader another tidbit of information: her parents have just been killed. I do wonder how old Jolene is, as it didn't seem to say in this chapter. A am also very anxious to learn more about her mysterious past, as promised in the story's description. I do hope you continue to work on it. You have an excellent start!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Suggestions: I would break the long paragraph at the beginning of the chapter into several smaller paragraphs to make the story more visually appealing and easier to read. In that paragraph, rather than saying "Filled with mystification, she began...", I think it would be more concise to say, "Mystified, she began..." A few sentences later, "She began hear" should be "She began to hear". A couple of sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "Cautiously". In the following sentence, a comma should be inserted after "door". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "Quietly".

In the sentence that begins, "The attached writing table of the desk...", I would omit "of the desk". The previous sentence mentioned the desk, and the word "attached" made it clear the writing table was attached to that desk. I notice several instances in the story where you have written in passive voice. I think active voice would be more appropriate. For instance, I would rearrange the next sentence to read, "Several large knives were penetrating the trash can." A few sentences later, "if not older" should be set off with commas. A few sentences later, "and dressed entirely" should be "and was dressed entirely". A comma should be inserted after "Frantically sobbing". "But he's our son" should be in quotation marks.

I would change "to the room of her parents" to "to her parents' room". A few sentences later, the comma after "looked into his eyes" should be a semicolon. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "hollow". Next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "Horrified". Several sentences later, I would omit "what is" from "like that what is seen". In the next paragraph, "devout" is spelled incorrectly. In the next paragraph, "funeral was to held" should be "funeral was to be held"

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


Overall: This is a very good beginning to what I'm sure will be an excellent story. I really enjoyed the read and cannot wait to read the finished work!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


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181
181
Review of Gone To Far  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Even though this was a great short story, it was replete with spelling and grammatical errors that were difficult to get past. The story has a terrific premise, and although it was rather short, it was complete and interesting. I like the way you began with a chat log (and I could overlook any errors in that, as that made it seem more real). I love stories from the horror genre, especially those that could actually happen. A story about a psycho internet stalker really catches my attention and scares me, and this one was no exception.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: The word "Too" is spelled incorrectly in the title. "obsession" is spelled incorrectly in the description, and the comma isn't needed. For brevity purposes, I will point out a few of the misspellings and other errors and suggest you simply run a spell check on the story.

All of the "didnt"s should be "didn't" and the "wouldnt"s should be "wouldn't". The following words are spelled incorrectly: whether, juvenile, because, relief, wasn't, too, staggered, sister's, panicked, whose, shrieking, cigarette, their, murdered, strangled, happened, teenage, buried, authorities, message.

You say the newspaper clipping said "Greene sisters murdered anonymously". I have never heard the term "anonymously" used when describing a murderer and would suggest omitting this word.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: This was a good short story that could be much better after a thorough edit. If you decide to do so, I would be happy to take another look at it afterwards. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to reading more!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*




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182
182
Review of LAST BREATH  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story in 300 words or less, and I must say you did a good job here. I remember the "Did you know the victim" prompt from the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge, and you created a great short story with that prompt. In only 300 words, you provided an adequate setting and gave a good description of Mr. Martin. The story had a good ending, wrapping it up rather nicely. I'd also like to add that first person narrative worked well for this story. I considered writing something for the given prompt that day, and I had a similar idea. You did a good job with it.

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: First and foremost, I suggest changing the story's rating from "E" to "13+". There's a mild expletive in the story (even though it is spelled incorrectly), and the subject matter itself warrants a higher rating.

I would omit the word "yes" from the second paragraph. It is somewhat confusing for the reader, and I see no reason to reveal the fact that he knew the victim here. Throughout this piece, "Mr" should be "Mr.". In the next paragraph, "aged well over his fifties" doesn't sound quite right. I suggest "aged well over fifty" or "who appeared to be in his fifties". Also, whichever phrase you use there, it needs to be set off with commas. In the next sentence, the word "why" should be omitted.

In the next paragraph, "officers shoulder" should be "officer's shoulder", and I would omit the word "again" from that sentence. In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "eye". To make the story more concise, I would omit the word "just" from that paragraph. In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Yes". In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "delight" and another after "away" in that same sentence. I would omit the word "to" from "to draw" in that sentence. In the last sentence of the story, you say "the heavy weight of the officers body threw me to the ground". His weight couldn't throw you. That sentence would read better as "the heavy weight of the officer's body knocked me to the ground." Also, don't forget to put the apostrophe in "officer's" when you're showing possession.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a quick edit. I can already tell you're going to be a great addition to the WDC community. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
183
183
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: OK, I have to admit that I am unfamiliar with Elder Scrolls lore and do not consider myself a fan of the fantasy genre. That being said, I must admit that I really liked this piece! I like the way you began with a note to the reader, giving a little history as to how the piece was written. After that, you jumped right into the first conflict of the story. You did a great job of introducing the characters Terra and Dar'jut and giving the reader hints of the story yet to come.

I love the way Dar'jut spoke in third person! That adds a bit of humor to the story as well as a certain charm to the character. I couldn't help but picture Dar'jut as being similar to Puss N' Boots on Shrek. *Blush* And the fact that he's a contract murderer? Well, let's just say I'm looking forward to learning more about that. Great job!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: I would change "furred hand" to "furry hand", because even though I was pretty sure what it meant, I wasn't positive until it was revealed that the character was a cat. Also, I think the last sentence of the first paragraph is too long. I would suggest something like "She was confused but not aware of any immediate danger, and she recognized the flavor of the healing potion. She relaxed..." Close to the end of this part, I would change "she was given chills by..." to "she got chills from..." Also, in that sentence, "shares" should be "shared", because the rest of the chapter is told in past tense.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this terrific piece! I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community! I can't wait to read more of your work.

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184
184
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: This prologue definitely has me wanting to read more! The title is interesting, and the story's description has me wondering just what the connection is between the gypsy and the princess. So far, you have provided an excellent introduction to the gypsy girl. Your descriptive writing style made it easy to picture her as well as her father. The prologue was very interesting, and you did a great job of showing the reader various things, rather than just telling the story.

The prologue left me with many unanswered questions, which makes me anxious to read on. Why was everyone worried about what Jaelle would say when she woke up? How could a girl of only ten already have such a bad reputation? Why was her father so happy that she couldn't remember anything? I'm sure the story will answer all of these questions, and I look forward to reading it!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: I would omit both instances of the word "of" in the first sentence. In the second sentence, I think it would read more fluidly if, after "band for years" you would insert "along with", omit the comma and change "the girl" to "a girl". I would omit "at least" from the next sentence. Also, in that paragraph, how does the narrator know that the girl is to awake soon? That doesn't seem to go with the rest of the story.

In the second sentence of the second paragraph, I would change "While" to "Even though" and omit the word "she" from "she had". The paragraph that begins "Shandor, the Elder..." should be indented to go with the other paragraphs. In that sentence, I would omit the words "up" and "in his head". In the next paragraph, you say "opened her eyes, revealing beautiful hazel eyes..." I think the word "eyes" is overused in that sentence. Maybe you could change it to something like, "awoke, revealing beautiful hazel eyes".

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for this interesting read. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I can already tell that you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community. I look forward to reading more!

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185
185
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I love the title you chose! It's catchy and made me want to read your story. I also like the name Grayson, and it fits well with the title. You did a good job of describing Grayson as nervous, shy, terrified and apprehensive in the first part of the chapter, but in the end of the chapter, she became poker faced, numb and careless. While I can appreciate Grayson developing a thick skin, because you began the story by describing her as nervous, shy and apprehensive, the transition in the fifth paragraph seemed out of place to me.

My favorite line was "days of velvet afternoons and eggshell mornings". I love that description! I also like the way you ended this chapter, making me anxious to find out how Grayson "made her own". Good job!

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My Suggestions: I suggest you review the story for past/present tense issues. For instance, in the first paragraph, Grayson "trudged", but then, she "slides". You go from past tense to present tense throughout the story. I suggest editing to stick with past tense. Also, be careful with overuse of past and present perfect tenses. In the fifth paragraph alone, you have "had come", "had done", "have brought", "had begun", "having stopped", "had managed" and "had built".

In the first paragraph, "adolescents" is spelled incorrectly. In the fifth paragraph, "high school" should be two words. In that paragraph, the sentence "No longer a main target..." is a sentence fragment. This could be remedied by adding "She was" to the beginning of the sentence. Also in that paragraph, "sufficiently" is spelled incorrectly. In the sixth paragraph, "carelessly" is spelled incorrectly.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this chapter and glance into the life of Grayson. This is a good start to your story that would be even better after a thorough edit. If you decide to do so, I would be happy to check out this chapter again afterwards. Again, welcome to WDC, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!

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186
186
Review of A moment in time  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

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My Thoughts: You did an excellent job of describing the scene in this story, and I could easily imagine the fog, the morning dew and the beautiful lake. First person narrative worked well, and I could easily see why the narrator found contentment at the place described. The description of the narrator's love interest was a bit vague, telling the reader only about his eyes. Also, with the line "We understood each other in the way one twin can recognize the other, in a way no other could.", you make it appear as though the narrator's love interest is her twin brother?

I'm sure that most of the readers can relate to the feelings described in this story - how the whole world starts to make sense when you're falling in love. The words you use, such as "magical", "intense", and "confusing" are perfect. You captured a first kiss, and all the feelings and emotions that come with it, brilliantly in this piece.

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My Suggestions: I would suggest capitalizing the words in the title to make it more visually appealing. I would also change the description to give the reader a hint at what the story is about. I suggest re-thinking the last sentence of the third paragraph if you don't want it to appear the narrator is writing about her brother. Also, if you're going to indent the first three paragraphs, I suggest indenting the last two as well.

In the first sentence, "in to" should be "into". In would insert a comma after "here" in the second sentence. In the third sentence, I would omit the word "that". I would change "I glanced down at the lake at the blue water." to "I glanced down at the lake and its blue water." to avoid having "at the" twice in the same sentence.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting short story. I really enjoyed the read and can already tell you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. I look forward to reading more of your work!

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187
187
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

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My Thoughts: This was a lovely story that offers children a cute explanation of how the lily pad got its name. I like they way that this is a cut-and-dry story. Lily didn't disobey her mother, and there was no lesson to be learned. It was just sweet and goodhearted. While I appreciate children's stories that have morals, every now and then, it's good to see one like this.

I think that children will like Lily. You wrote the story on a level that children can easily understand, and the characters will help children appreciate the various animals. The story was short enough to hold a child's interest, yet it was complete and enjoyable. I also like the names you chose for the frogs. Good job!

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My Suggestions: I would skip a line between the paragraphs to make the story more visually appealing and easier to read. In the first sentence, a comma should be inserted after "morning". In the second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "store", and "seen" should be "saw". I noticed a couple of instances in this story where you wrote "seen" when you should have written "saw". Just keep in mind that past tense is "saw" unless it is preceded by "have" or "has". In other words, it would be "She saw..." or "She has seen..."

In the third sentence, a comma should be inserted after "could". In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma after "water" to a semicolon. Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence here. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "away". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "first" and "seen" should be "saw". A couple of sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "sudden" and "on to" should be "onto". Near the end of the story, "since they liked her so much" should be set off with commas. Also, there are two instances in that paragraph where "seen" should be "saw". In the first sentence of the last paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "mom". In the last sentence, a comma should be inserted after "down".

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Overall: This is an interesting story for children, and I can easily see how you could write many more stories about Lily and her adventures. You're going to be a great addition to the WDC community, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!

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188
188
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: You have an interesting idea for a story here. I like that you're using first person narrative and telling the story from Ella's point of view. I find that it's always easier to get involved in a good horror story that's told in first person. In this short excerpt, you did a good job of beginning Ella's character description, telling about her home life and describing her parents and their interactions with each other.

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My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest changing the title of the story from "Ella and the fight 4 life" to "Ella and the Fight for Life". I always find a potential story more appealing if the title has proper capitalization and no abbreviations. Next, I suggest you change the story's description to something other than gibberish in order to give the reader an idea of what to expect when reading the story. Since the story is incomplete, I suggest that you put it on "private" until it's finished or at least clue the reader in on that fact in the beginning. Also, breaking the story into paragraphs would make it more visually appealing and easier to read.

The story is replete with grammatical and punctuation errors. It would help tremendously to capitalize the first word of each sentence. Proper nouns, such as "Australia", "Kit Kat" and "Haley" should always be capitalized. There are also several run-on sentence. I suggest going through the story and putting proper punctuation at the end of every sentence. You referred to a "fruit bowl" once and called it a "fruit ball" several times. I believe you meant to call it "fruit bowl" throughout? "i found a not" should be "I found a note". Instead of putting Haley's telephone number in the story, I think it would sound better to simply say "I called Haley."

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Overall: You have the beginning of what could prove to be a great horror story. I would be happy to review it again after you have edited and completed it. Also, if you have any questions or need help when doing so, just send me an email, and I'll be glad to do whatever I can. Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

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189
189
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: Wow! You painted a vivid description in this short piece, and the ending was excellent. I love stories with a twist, and this one was right up my alley. With your vivid descriptions, I could almost see the fire, feel the heat, smell the smoke and, most importantly, feel the narrator's despair resulting from his predicament. First person narrative worked well with this piece, and you did a good job of showing rather than simply telling.

I especially like the way you began the piece by declaring the beauty of the scene before you. This became especially poignant near the end as the reader realized that the narrator was seeing beauty in the situation that would soon lead to his demise. The story is complete, and I especially like the way you let the reader figure out some details from the context rather than just spelling everything out.

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My Suggestions: I would end the second sentence with a question mark, because when reading it, it seems like a continuation of the first sentence. I can understand the reason for the sentence fragment here, but I think it would read better as a question rather than a statement. I would change the comma in the third sentence to a semicolon, because you have two complete sentences there without a conjunction. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would change the comma to a period after "recognizable" and begin a new sentence with "Somehow, this scene was created..."

In the third sentence of the third paragraph, I would consider changing "my broken lips" to "my parched lips". Otherwise, you refer to your lips as "broken" twice within six words of the story. Also, I would insert a comma after "lips" in that sentence. A few sentences later, "had been holding" should be "have been holding" since the rest of the story is told in present tense. I think past tense is ok in the next sentence, but I would change "had been punctured" to "was punctured". In the last sentence, "is I continue" should be "as I continue". Also, that sentence seems a bit long with two "as I"'s relatively close together. I suggest changing it to "as I continue...while drifting off..."

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Overall: This was a terrific piece! I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community! I look forward to reading more of your work!

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190
190
Review of Wisedom  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I like the irony in this story. Even though the meaning of the word "wisdom" escaped Joan's mind, she was showing just that at the end of the story. You did a good job of portraying typical teenagers with the dialogue you used. It was easy to imagine the gang of boys and girls laughing and plotting together.

While the story has a good premise, I don't think the parts of the story fit together as well as they could. If looking only at the first and last paragraphs, it seems that a lot of the story in between those paragraphs is irrelevant. Maybe something so simple as mentioning wisdom and Joan's confusion with the concept somewhere in the middle of the story would help to make it more parallel.

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My Suggestions: Even though the word "wisdom" is spelled correctly throughout the story, it is misspelled in both the title and the story's description. Because of a few minor expletives in the story, the rating should be changed from "E" to "13+".

Toward the middle of the story, I think "she whispered to them her plan" would read more fluidly as "she whispered her plan to them". Three paragraphs later, "imaging" should be "imagining". In the following paragraph, "she did no deserve" should be "she did not deserve". In the first sentence of the following paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "funny".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I enjoyed the read and the underlying message and look forward to checking out more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*




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191
191
Review of My sister Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I'm surprised that this lovely tribute to your sister has been in your port for so long without a review. Your love and admiration of Rose, despite the fact that you never met her, shine through in this piece. From the way you describe her, it seems that she was a lovely young woman, and I am so sorry that she was lost to you and your family because of a drunk driver. I can't imagine how hard it must be to try to forgive someone whose careless, stupid act took the life of someone so dear to you. I admire you for continuing to pray and remain hopeful that you will meet your dear Rose when you pass.

The vivid way you described Rose and the events that led to her death evoked many emotions. As I read, I could only imagine the grief, anger and frustration Rose's loved ones must have felt at the time of your death and even today. Your beautiful tribute will help to keep her memory alive.

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My Suggestions: I would capitalize "sister" in the title. In the description, I would change "but we were never able to meet" to "even though we never met". In the first sentence, I would change the comma after "what am I to do" to a question mark and start a new sentence with "Tomorrow, it will be..." In the next sentence, I would consider changing "sisters being friends" to "as sisters and as friends" and set that phrase off with commas. I would insert a period after "the only one I know" in the next sentence and begin a new sentence with "How I wish..." I would skip a line between paragraphs.

In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Rose" in the first sentence and change "this meeting of you and I" to "this meeting of you and me" since it's an object pronoun. I would end that sentence there and begin a new sentence with "Your fate..." In that sentence, "love to drink" should be "loved to drink". "To tell you honestly I am glad" is a bit confusing. I would change it to "To tell you the truth, I am glad..." In that same sentence, "to drunk" should be "too drunk". In the next sentence, I would change the comma after "your final place of rest" to a period and start a new sentence with "They call it..."

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Overall: This is a beautiful, heartfelt writing that pulled at my heartstrings. Thank you for sharing this very personal piece of your life. I enjoyed learning about Rose through your writing.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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192
192
Review of Paper or Plastic  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I see that you have a lot of nonfiction stories in your port, and I always enjoy reading about the life experiences of fellow WDC'ers. This story is no exception. I can definitely appreciate someone who prefers pencil and paper to a computer, but I'm the exact opposite. I can type much faster than I can write. I love having the ability to find and replace, to delete an entire paragraph that I decide I don't like and to add or omit words or sentences anywhere in the story with a few clicks. Any time I'm given the choice, I choose technology.

You make some really good points in this opinion piece, and you do so with just a tad of added humor. I like your writing style; I'm always a bit intimidated when writing nonfiction for fear that it will be boring to the reader. You definitely don't have that problem. I really enjoyed your explanations and reasoning as to why you prefer to write the way you do. I found it especially intriguing that you always write your stories on paper before typing them. I can see the purpose in that, but I consider it to be too much work. *Smirk*

I do think this piece ended a bit abruptly. You begin a new paragraph that gives a somewhat different view, yet you end it after only one sentence.

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My Suggestions: You mention in this piece that you hope to work on punctuation on this site, and I hope that I can help a bit here. In the first sentence, I would insert a comma after "writing". In the fifth sentence, "hands see it fill" should be "hands and seeing it fill". I would skip a line between the paragraphs. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I would insert a comma after "posting this". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "For one thing". I would omit the word "of" in the fourth sentence. In the next sentence, I would set the word "well" off with commas. In the sentence after that, I would insert a comma after "typer".

In the third sentence of the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "nails". In the following sentence, I would change "came" to "can" and change "wording" to "words". A few sentences later, I would insert a comma after "speak". In that same sentence, "runons" should be "run-ons". I would insert a comma after "Sorry" in the next sentence.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this rather insightful piece. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to reading more of your work and learning more about you.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



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193
193
Review of Derailed  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Gaby Author Icon. I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..*UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I was trying to find a story in your port that didn't have many reviews, and I had a difficult time doing so. Since this one only had two reviews, I opted for it. I recently reviewed a story in someone else's port that was written from the same prompt, and it was amazing to see the different paths that two different writers took. I think first person narrative suited this story, and your descriptive writing made it easy for me to picture the scenes and the characters as I read the story.

I think the title you chose was perfect, and the action packed story kept me on the edge of my seat throughout. From one close call to the next, I was rooting for the narrator, and I found myself sighing in relief as she escaped yet another incident. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and interesting story with a limited word count from a prompt, but you make it seem effortless. Even though I was hoping for a happy ending and thought that maybe it was all a dream, I loved the way you chose to end it. You really set it up for a sequel if you chose to do so, and I wish you would, because I'm dying to know what's so important about the coded message!

I did find it somewhat difficult to believe that a woman who was already fearing for her life would give a strange man that she called (Karl) instructions on how to get to her. Nevertheless, it didn't detract from the story. Just something I noticed.

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: The word "Adventure" is spelled incorrectly in the prompt. In the first sentence, I would omit the comma after "me" as I think the sentence would read more fluidly without the break there. At the end of the second paragraph, I would insert a question mark. I would have it as ?! so you it will still convey surprise as well. I see you do just that a few paragraphs later. In the third paragraph, how do you know the man was in his forties? Maybe you could say "a man who appeared to be in his forties"? In the paragraph in which the stranger exited the train, I would omit the comma after "although".

A couple of paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "Without a single thought", and I would insert a hyphen between "half closed". In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "With trembling fingers". In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "On the last page". In the next paragraph, "it's old wrapper" should be "its old wrapper" as "it's" is a contraction for "it is". In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "in hand". and change "of my forehead" to "off my forehead".

Several paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "As I rounded the corner", and I would change "notice" to "noticed" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. I would omit the word "in" from "in any minute". A couple of paragraphs later, I would set "in the next second" off with commas. In that same paragraph, "one the heavy raincoats" should be "one of the heavy raincoats". In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "within a few seconds". In the next paragraph, "hands tided" should be "hands tied". In the next paragraph, I would change the comma to a question mark after the questions are asked.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent short story. I can definitely see why I had such a hard time finding something in your port with few reviews, because your writing is excellent. I can't wait to read more!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
194
194
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Jeannie🌺 Author Icon. I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..*UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: This is a great short story. As I was reading, I was thinking that I sometimes have days just like the one June was having. But as I got closer to the end, I realized that this humorous story has a much deeper meaning. What we perceive as being put together, others may see as standoffish. Every now and then, we need to allow others to see us as human and stop trying so hard to impress. After all, sometimes the best impressions are those that show others that we're approachable.

You have a terrific storytelling ability. From the first paragraph, I was riveted, anxiously awaiting the next catastrophe that poor June would encounter. With your descriptive writing, I could easily imagine the frazzled woman on the bike, pedaling with one shoe while trying to avoid the dogs, neighbors, teenagers and cops. The photo you chose for your port to describe the story was perfect. And I love the way you turned a lighthearted story into one that delivered a pivotal message.

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My Suggestions: In the sixth paragraph, I would omit the comma after "trying out for". It unnecessarily breaks the sentence. In that same paragraph, "halfway" doesn't need to be hyphenated. In the next paragraph, "elm" doesn't need to be capitalized. Several paragraphs later, I would omit the comma after "At least" and insert a comma after "and" so that "giving one more look back" is set off with commas.

In the next paragraph, "continue" should be "continued". In the next sentence, I wouldn't hyphenate "teenage". In the next paragraph, "then she'll be" should be "then she'd be" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. In that same paragraph, I would change "stop on a red light" to "stop at a red light". In the next paragraph, you say "Feeling very proud of herself, June started humming to herself..." I think the word "herself" is overused there. And alone on a bike, whom else would she be humming to? I would omit "to herself" from the sentence. In the next sentence, I would move "too late" from its current position to the end of the sentence. A few paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "She pushed off once more".

In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Getting off the elevator". A few paragraphs later, I would change "I apologize on" to "I apologize about". I'd insert a comma after "On the way here". A couple of paragraphs later, I'd change "Stan, who is so..." to "Stan, who was so..." because the rest of the story is in past tense. In the next paragraph, I would change "became my worse" to "became my worst" and "don't let it show" to "didn't let it show" (past tense). A few paragraphs later, I'd change "she'll be fine when she can" to "she'd be fine when she could", again because of present tense/past tense issues. In the third-from-last paragraph, you need to insert open quotes before Amy's statement.

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this well-written and interesting short story. I really enjoyed reading it and found that it conveyed an excellent message. I will definitely be checking out more of your work!

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*



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195
195
Review of Monday Morning  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this story from the variety of items in your port because I didn't think anyone could hate Mondays as much as I do. After reading this, I realize I have met my match! I think true experiences make the best stories, and if this one wasn't true, you're an even better writer than I thought. This is a terrific story, full of things that could easily happen to me. I'm sure that most of us can relate to the rush to get dressed and get to work on Monday morning only to have every little thing go wrong. You captured that scenario perfectly!

I particularly like the way you started the piece with the question about waking and realizing you have a couple of hours left to sleep. Oh, how many times I have done that...and proceeded to oversleep. And I can't count the times that I've made it out the door in time to get to work with seconds to spare only to get held up by an unforeseen circumstance like the fender bender in your story. I couldn't decide whether to sympathize or chuckle, so I did a little of both as I read this story.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the second sentence, I would set "of course" off with commas. In the following sentence, I would insert a comma after "door". In the second paragraph, I would insert a comma after "The night before". In the following sentence, the period after "ironed" should be a comma. Later in that paragraph, "oatmeal" is one word. In the third paragraph, I would insert a comma after "well". Near the end of the fourth paragraph, I would insert a comma after "One by one" and another after "hair" in that same sentence. In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma after "counter" to the word "and".

In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, I would omit the word "had". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "Of course". In that same sentence, "spend and extra" should be "spend an extra". Same sentence, "make up" should be "makeup". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "minutes". In that same sentence, I would omit the word "what". In the last sentence, "I would be" should be "I will be".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: I thoroughly enjoyed this humorous account of a Monday morning that could have been written from one of my similar experiences. Thanks for sharing this great story. I will definitely check out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



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196
196
Review of Myrna Opray  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, puggirl! I'm OOT™ Author Icon and I'm honored to review your work on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window..

My Thoughts: You pack a lot of information in a rather short story. From learning about the mother you never knew to running from the tall, strange man and finally to being safe in your mother's arms, you take the reader through a myriad of emotions.

I like that you wrote the story in first person narrative. It made it easier for me to sympathize with all of the changes the narrator was experiencing in such a short time. Finding out you have a famous mother was stressful enough, but add to that the fact that you found out during one of her performances with the entire audience as witnesses, and that increases the stress level significantly. Finally, dodging the paparazzi and having a weird man following you around was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I'm glad the story ended on a positive note.

I could easily see this story as the first of a series in which the narrator grows up to be an opera singer like her mother. I'm sure you could think of many obstacles for her to face along the way!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: You go back and forth between present and past tense throughout the story. For instance, the first three paragraphs are past tense. The fourth paragraph is present tense. In some paragraphs, a few of the sentences are past tense and a few are present tense. I suggest that you stay with one throughout the story to improve flow and reduce confusion.

In the first sentence, I would insert a comma after "car". The second sentence is a sentence fragment. This could be remedied by combining the first and second sentences. In the second paragraph, rather than have one long, run-on sentence, I would start a new sentence with each instance of "If only..." In the last sentence of that paragraph, the comma should be after "ago" instead of after "yet". In the third paragraph, "who I did not know" should be "whom I did not know". In the seventh paragraph, you have a run-on sentence - "My legs were starting to cramp up." should be a separate sentence. In the next sentence, "who I decided" should be "whom I decided".

The last part of the story was very confusing for me. It was as if Lina had regressed to early childhood with her actions, though the rest of the story continues. In one paragraph, she just found out about her mother. In the next, she has known her for years, yet she seems younger instead of older. I suggest you take a look at it for possible clarification.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a thorough edit. Thank you for sharing this enjoyable read. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*




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197
197
Review of Starlight Murder  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Amanda Author Icon! I'm OOT™ Author Icon and I'm honored to review your work on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window..

My Thoughts: I especially enjoy stories that are based on true events, and this one is no exception. The way you interspersed the song lyrics with the story was a stroke of brilliance. I was amazed by how fitting the lyrics were with what was taking place in the story. The ending is somewhat haunting with the realization that the pedestrian is dead and the all-too-fitting song lyrics. I'm terribly sorry that you had to witness such a gruesome event, and I hope writing the story helped you to better deal with it.

This piece really goes to show that we can never be too safe and should always expect the unexpected. Your joy of leaving work on a Friday evening was quickly overshadowed by a horrible wreck caused by a drunk driver. The way you described the headlights of the car as it drove over the woman's body made it easy for me to picture the scene. I could almost hear the thud. You provided such a vivid description of the woman's body, I could see the grotesque distortions. I know I will think twice before I walk anywhere near a busy roadway.

It is obvious that the events of that night changed you. Not only will you never be able to forget what you experienced and say, but you will always remember the dangers of drunk driving. Thanks to your story, all of your readers will remember it, too. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I think the first two sentences would work better in the story's description than in the story itself. Throughout the story, you change tenses for no apparent reason. For instance, before the first verse of the song, it's past tense. After the verse, it's present tense for two sentences and then goes back to past tense. I would suggest changing it so that the entire story is told in past tense.

In the first sentence, I would insert the word "and" before"the stereo..." Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence. In the second sentence, I would change "being a Friday" to "since it was Friday". In the sentence "The car still continued to accelerate," I would omit "still" because I think "still continued" sounds redundant. When you made a list of four things after your mind slowed down, three of them were complete sentences. "Emergency lights turned on" is not. I would change it to "Turn emergency lights on." A few paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "Surprisingly". Later, "it's stomach" should be "its stomach" since "it's" is a contraction for "it is".

In the sentence, "Her shoes that had flown...", I would omit the word "that". Otherwise, it's a sentence fragment. Finally, what do you mean by "weed bag"? I have my ideas, but it doesn't seem to fit well in the context.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*



Overall: Thank you for sharing this true story and for providing the much needed message about driving under the influence. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*




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198
198
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, MaRiSsA<3 Author Icon! I'm OOT™ Author Icon and I'm honored to review your work on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window..

My Thoughts: You did a terrific job of describing the restlessness in the audience and the chaos backstage before just about any performance. I liked the way you began by talking about the crowds but then focused on one particular performer. I also liked the what the entire atmosphere changed when the ballerina was performing. Everyone was quiet, and she was the star, the focal point. The story ended perfectly, letting the reader know that a lot of hard work had gone into her performance and that she was proud and relieved after it was over.

Your descriptive writing style allowed me to easily visualize the story as it was taking place. I could almost feel the impatience in the audience, the nerves backstage and the adrenaline rush of the performer. Although the story was rather short, it was complete, and it conveyed a positive message: hard work pays off.

My Suggestions: You began the story in present tense and quickly changed to past tense for no apparent reason. For instance, the first and second sentences are present tense. Half of the third sentence is past tense and the rest of it is present tense. The fourth sentence is present tense. The change in tenses continues like this throughout the story. I suggest you change the entire story to either past or present tense to improve the story's flow and to avoid confusion.

The second sentence is a sentence fragment, because it has no verb. I suggest changing it to, "Together, they impatiently await the..." to remedy this. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Backstage". A few sentences later, I would insert a comma after "On the other side". In the third paragraph, I'd change "curtain arises" to "curtain rises". In the last sentence, "hadn't back down" should be "hadn't backed down".

Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a quick edit. I really enjoyed the read and can't wait to check out more of your work!

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199
199
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Sparky Author Icon! I'm OOT™ Author Icon and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Wow, this is a great short story. I sort of wondered after reading the description how it could be difficult to determine which world was the dream and which was the nightmare. This story answered that question. Even after finishing the story and even reading some parts twice, I'm still uncertain as to whether Harry was having a nightmare, really performing on stage or somewhere in a drunken stupor. I like that confusing element!

Your descriptions in the beginning, "peaceful softness", "whitest fleecy clouds" mad me what to snuggle up in my own bed and fall asleep! And your vivid explanation of the crowd almost made it possible for me the hear the chaos and feel the adrenaline. Even your description of Harry made it easy to picture him and the hard-partying life he had lived. I particularly like the line "he opened his eyes to face the exhaustion of his life". That line tells a lot about the life Harry had to look forward to, whether it was a life on stage or a life in a gutter somewhere.

My Suggestions: In the fourth paragraph, I would insert a comma after "distance". Even though it's separated with semicolons and commas, the seventh paragraph was one long sentence. It seemed a bit too long. I would change the semicolon after "performance" to a period and start a new sentence with "The angry beehive roar decreased..." I would insert a comma after "sobering" and change the semicolon after "finality" to a period. A few paragraphs later, I would omit the semicolon after "sweating expectation". In the next paragraph, I would change the comma after "crowd" to a period. In the next paragraph, "sequined" is spelled incorrectly. In the next paragraph, I would set "for a moment" off with commas.

In the next paragraph, "freeway" should be one word. In the next paragraph, "it's sharp edges" should be "its sharp edges" since "it's" is a contraction for "it is". A couple of paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "Automatically". In the same sentence, "it's brown paper bag" should be "its brown paper bag". In the next-to-last sentence, "he's surely find" should be "he'd surely find".

Overall: This is a great short story that would be even better after a quick edit. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and can't wait to check out more of yor work!

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200
200
Review of Moonlight  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, SilentSongsOfSadness Author Icon! I'm OOT™ Author Icon and I'm honored to review your short story on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window..

My Thoughts: This is a very inspiring story, reminding us not to give up on something we love just because we are criticized. You managed to pack a lot of emotion into such a short piece, from fear and doubt to joy and contentment. I'm sure that most piano players can easily relate to forgetting everything while playing the piano. You described the emotional aspect of playing perfectly.

Although it may be difficult to realize at first, we learn a great deal about Sullen in a few short paragraphs. We learn of her desire to play the piano despit her fear of criticism. We learn of her obedience to her mother and hesitancy to let even her mother hear her play. And finally, we learn of her overcoming her fears and allowing herself to get lost in the joy of making music. Great job!

My Suggestions: There are a lot of sentence fragments throughout this piece. While I understand having one every so often for a particular reason, in this case, at least for me, it detracted from the story. For instance, in the last paragraph, "The softness putting tears on her cheeks." is an incomplete sentence. The next sentence, "Her fingers moving gracefully up and down the piano." is incomplete as well. There are several ways you could remedy this, one being changing the participle to a verb and combining sentences, such as "The softness of the music put tears on her face as her fingers moved gracefully up and down the piano."

In the first sentence, I would insert a comma after "at" so that "much less looked at" is set off with commas. The first word of the third sentence ("She") should be capitalized. In that same sentence, I would change "all the black and white 88 keys" to "all 88 black and white keys" to make it read more fluidly. In the second paragraph, I would change "It's been four years" to "It'd been four years" since the rest of the story is in past tense. In the next sentence, "5" should be written out as "five". In the second sentence of the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Hesitating".

Overall: This is a good short story that would be even better after a quick edit. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!

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