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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/parkedcar
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2 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Lydia Smith Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
when someone's talking you make need to make it a new passeges. Ok, I forget the word for it, basically you need to press the enter button on your key board haha. Here's an example,
Kairi lookd around at the room, it was dark but homey.
"Like the place?" said a voice.

not,
Kairi looked around at the room, it was dark but homey. "Like the place?" said a voice.

Do you understand where I'm getting at here?
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Review of The Secret Cargo  Open in new Window.
Review by Lydia Smith Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think it sounds like potential of an awesome story! It should be, *As much time as I had spent at sea in my 18 years of LIFE. Not LIVE.
It's a little hard almost to understand what is going on at times. I don't know if it was choice of wording, or something else, but I didn't understand entirely what was happening, for instance, when there was the boy standing there. I don't know, maybe it just all happend so fast. I think that more needs to happen in the storm some how before he gets knocked over board. Also, when the colonel laughs at his surprised face it's a little .... hm I don't have a very good word for it... weird (?), that he is laughing, squinting at the sky, and tieing the rope all at once. Take your time and let him do these actions by themselves. Is it even necessary for him to be squinting at the sky? Is there even a reason? If so, keep it. Show the reason. If not, then I'ed suggets even just cutting it out.
All my personal opinion.
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