\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pennywise
Review Requests: OFF
187 Public Reviews Given
443 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 ... Next
1
1
Review of Out Of Place  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Yinyang* Review & Critique *Yinyang*


This is a well written and crafted story about a man and his literal disassociation with the world around him. I loved the concept of the story and the way that the separation effect is random and doesn't follow any set pattern. Respect to the way you also don't try to explain the effect, this makes it more realistic as not everything can be explained... It's what ruined the remake of Halloween for me. Not everything needs to be explained.

The one thing which threw me though is the lack of atmosphere, especially tension, anxiety, and fear. I know this is hard to accomplish in 1000 words and it may have been the way you wished. Though, I do believe the story would have been a little stronger for it. I know if this happened to me then I would probably freak out for a while. Your guy is hyper-cool under the extreme extenuating circumstances.

I also think I spotted a misused word -

"It’s a beautiful Monday morning when everybody should be going to work, so where are they? Or why can’t I see them?" I believe this should be "and".

I also have to say thank you because you have given me an idea for a story; so, THANK YOU *BigSmile*.


Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Thank you for letting me read your story.

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
*BalloonR*PENNYWISE*BalloonR*
2
2
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Yinyang* Review & Critique *Yinyang*


It was the title of this little piece which bought me for a read. I love words that arn't real - so well done there.

Now I'm not a poet, though I do dabble, so please take my views with a pinch of salt. Your stanzas are well constructed with a good rhythmic pace and rhyming couplets. It reads easily and with a good pace.

It's just the meaning of the prose I have a problem with as I am unsure as to what the poem is about and some of the descriptions appear to be at odds with each other. Now, this may be what you intended, however, without knowing the premise for the poem it feels abstract... Again, this may be something you intended - if it was then good job. Though I couldn't relate to it and it left me wondering, huh!

Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR work (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Thank you for letting me read your poem.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
*BalloonR*PENNYWISE*BalloonR*
3
3
Review of The Gift  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed this very short piece. Within the six sentences (though some may say there are seven - see further comment below) you convied a nice sense of mystery and apprehension, well done.

The piece read well and flowed smoothly, another thing which can be difficult in limited space.

There were just two things that caught my attention -

1) "a white dress with dirt streaked across and a ribbon in her hair" - there is nothing wrong with this sentence, to me though it reads a little awkward and long. You could try "a dirt steamed white dress and a ribbon in her hair" just to shorten it a tad. ☺

2) Here's the hidden "seventh" sentence - "same reply as others: " I can't recall much." By using the colon it ties the two sentences together; but because the first letter after the colon is a capital it could be deemed as a sentence in it's own right. To be honest, you could easily use the semicolon here, and there wouldn't be any question that it would then be only one sentence.

I hope this helps in some small way. Remember these are only my views and opinions. If you dont agree, that's fine. 😀 Just be true to yourself and your story.

All the best and keep writing.
4
4
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Yinyang* Review & Critique *Yinyang*



This is an enjoyable childhood "Ghost" story.

I particularly like the way that the Ghost isn't visible and takes the form of a sound - and possibly later - as the illness itself (for can you catch the flu from a spook - or is the spook possessing you?), this is left open and as such allows the readers imagination to work and grow with ideas - This is always good.

The structure, style and flow of the story all pointed to a tale told by and for children. I can remember telling fright tales myself on cold winter nights, and this story reminded me of those.

The pace was constantly fast throughout, never allowing the reader to slow down or pause.

There was just one small thing that made me hesitate for a second - "when he was a kid, he and another guy locked up all the sheep in the paddock so they could play tennis" This sounds as though the sheep were locked in the paddock and not the tin hut. But aprt from me being pinickity, this is a very well written and told story.

Keep up the good work and keep writing.

Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Thank you for letting me read your story.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
*BalloonR*PENNYWISE*BalloonR*
5
5
Review of Nowhere Place  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Yinyang* Review & Critique *Yinyang*



Not exactly s horror story, though a very haunting piece, and a very enjoyable one at that.

I'm not sure if you actually chose not to capitalise your letters after the full stops on purpose, since most of the story is well punctuated. I can't see a reason for not capitalising, and would suggest it, as some readers might be put off by it and this would be a bad thing, because they might not read this wonderful little piece.

It's a difficult thing to tell a story in the first person narrative (I always take my hat off to the authors that write full novels in this way, especially if they don't bog down too much, which is usually the case with this style), and I congratulate you for doing a good job here. Not once did I slow in my reading.

And I would like to thank you, not just for the enjoyable read, but for putting the spark of an idea into my head.

Keep up the good work and keep writing.

Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Thank you for letting me read your story.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
*BalloonR*PENNYWISE*BalloonR*
6
6
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Bobcat, really enjoyed this story of twisted delusions and gory hunger.

I really liked the way that you worked in the alcoholism and the "drying out" period. Having the main man doubting himself and the things he sees in the world around him, until he cannot believe what is real, because it's so unreal. Wonderful.

I recon you have a novella / novel here, bring in a few more characters into the mix - so you can really get into his head and play with his mind. Clouding the reality and truth of the climax so much that your reader wouldn't be able to work out whodunnit.

That was the only thing letting this down, and only a little. Too few characters to choose from and you knew there was going to be a twist in the end - I figured on Nancy, but I wished it would've been Stew *Smile* .

Now here are a few things that I spotted in my read through - you can miss this point if you want, and thanks for the great read, keep up the good work.


Around Page 1: line 16 - "I had enough" - this should be "I'd had enough" or "I'd had had enough"; I prefer the first as you miss out all that horrid double word thing.

Around Page 1: line 19 - "unto the page" - this should be "onto the page".

Around Page 1: line 28 - "typical mad at the world cause" - I think you mean "because" or " 'cause" here.

I would also revise the sentence for wordiness as it seems a tad too long - that could just be me though *Smile* .

I really liked the section about his travelling around especially the phrase "What's my tab up to" as it's used in such a nice context.

There's a section where the main man is having coffee with Nancy - by the way I now use the two ice-cubes trick in my morning tea (thanks for that) - then she just disappears. This is really awkward and confusing to the reader. It took me a paragraph or two to ful;ly realise we had gone onto another scene. You could put in the row of "***" to show a break. Though if it were I, I would try and fill in the blank space with more conversation and observations as this will give more growth and strength to the main characters. Also you haven't used the "***" anywhere else in the story so it would also be better to keep within the story structure and not use them.

I also loved the idea of the Juniper Berries and their smell describing the Gin; though being a vodka drinker myself I can tell you that it hasn't too much of a discernible smell to it, so it wouldn't take over the kitchen and his apartment - I would consider using whiskey, now that has a real potent smell to it - lovely stuff.

Also the amount of alcohol you describe doesn't quite ring true with me. I wasn't a serious drinker and I definitely didn't have a problem like your main character does, but I think I could put him under the table *Smile* - you could probable do with increasing it up by about double. I knew a couple who would start their day off with an English breakfast and three "Large" cans of Carlsberg each, every day. They didn't own a kettle because "if you boil alcohol it gets rid of the alcohol" - there words not mine. Now they were serious drinkers.

Around Page 5 line 70 - "My ear echoed what felt like a distant shot" - should be "My ear echoed with what felt like a distant shot."

Around Page 9: Line 4 - "My feet were all that knew what to do" - compared to the rest of the sentences in the story this is awkward and a little messy. Though it does look and feel as though you'd got carried away with your own story at the exciting part (I do it all the time - the brain thinks, the fingers type - you know what you want to write; though it's not always what comes out.) Suggest a slight rewrite to improve the pace and flow of this section and keep the reader rushing through in excitement.

Around Page 9: line 4 - "Behind me I could hear the things being unable to slow down crashing into the park" - commas are required here, try "Behind me I could hear the things, being unable to slow down, crashing into the park"

Around Page 9: line 5 - "before contacting the concrete courts cut them short" - is "contacting" the correct word for this sentence, it seems to lack power and vision - you could try something along the lines of "before the strange black nightmares pummeled themselves into the hard grey concrete."

"Horrible wet smack" - oh, I just loved that description - nothing else needed to be said - great.

Around Page 9: line 62 - " She pointed around at the disheveled everything" - not sure that "everything" is the word you want here - also if it is try "She pointed around at the disheveled... everything"; by adding "..." it adds a greater pause and builds a tension.

Around Page 10: line 66 - "I was going to make sure it was really she" - should be "I was going to make sure it was really her"

Around Pager 11: line 57 - "I have to say that that was the best stew I had ever eaten" - you can afford to loose one "that" in this sentence "I have to say that was the best stew I had ever eaten"

Those were the few things I spotted in my read through - if you're wondering how I came by the page and line numbers, I cut and pasted the story into word.

As I said above, thank you for a good and very enjoyable read - keep up the good work.

Pennywise - Stephen

We ALL float down here...
7
7
Review of Old Hook Road  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed your take on the "Hitchhiker" ghost story. I like the idea of doing it in Documentary / Diary / Journal style which on the hole worked well for the story.

You kept a good pace throughout the story though in a couple of place it slipped - I've made notes below (you can skip them if you like *Wink* ). You picked up the speed where the action started and slowed it down in the right places.

Loved the ending, cool way to finish - there's hope for me still if even ghosts can fall in love *Smile* .

Now for the stuff I spotted - if you don't wish to read on then thank you for the read and keep up the good work -

In the first part of the story you have a continuity error - you mention that the guard rail is splattered red with her blood, but then you have her thrown over the fence into the graveyard - I like the idea of the graveyard, though I do prefer the blood spatter more and I would just go with this. Possibly have her get caught between the trucks cab and the guard rail - now that would be nasty - and more realistic.

Also in this section when you describe the bloodied prom dress it feels a little too over described and long winded. I'd try and pare it back a little to fall in line with the other sentences of that section.

I would also make thing a little more personal as they affect the reader in a stronger fashion - for example you say "the driver died instantly." change this to "the girls father died instantly" and this strengthens the image of a worried father looking for his daughter - which is a more powerful image for the reader.

I liked "a ghostly Cadillac driven by a dead father still searching for his dead daughter" though the repeated use of "Dead" so close together makes it a little awkward when reading. I'd suggest trying to find another word or slightly rewrite the line to make it stronger.

In the second part you write ""I love you" and were out the door" - "were" should be "was" or "we were"

I liked the idea of the "chicken" scene though the amount of times the cars switched lanes had me wondering just how long was that stretch of road. If you shortened this section, tightened it up and only lane switched a couple of times would highten the anticipation of an accident about to happen.

"I lay there as astonished" - should be "I lay there astonished"

I believe that this story would make a great longer piece. By adding a spookier and more haunting atmosphere to this story it would make it stronger.

Once again, thank you for the read and keep up the good work.
8
8
Review of Wild Hunt  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really liked this poem as some of your visuals, brought up by the clever use of words and turn-of-phrase, were haunting and chilly. The pace on the hole was well conducted, though I though the "Haunting" section could've been slowed down a little by adding another stanza or two, which would allow you to build more atmosphere. I also thing that the "Hunt" section could profit in the same was, as here the pace picks up and the reader flies through this very quickly - keep the same pace but add more action and your reader will be tantalised.

The one thing I wasn't too sure about was the ending as this was a little too cliched for me. Possibly have the prey seen an escape...
if only they could just make it too...

That said, it's such a small thing, that it didn't detract from the story too much.

Thank you for the read and keep up the good work.
9
9
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really did enjoy this poem as it was humourous and chilling by degrees; and more over it had a moral - that of infidelity.

Though, it's a little unsure if the ghost actually had an affair with the killers lover - you're a little vague on this (unless I missed something).

Also I'm not too sure why the spook in haunting a school. This, in itself adds a nastier darkness to the poem as the reason for his death was sexual, or intended relationship. Why choose a school - was he trying to teach the kids something? Had he been a student? A Teacher? A student lusting after a teacher? or vice versa? This alone gives you scope to extend the poem and make it a little darker and chillier to the reader, as well as taking a stronger foothold in reality, by giving a reason behind the haunting.

This could be a very strong piece should you decide to expand it.

Thank you for the read - keep up the good work.
10
10
Review of Minotaur  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well that was a pain - wanted to change my rating and it cleared my comment too, just for good measure... Now lets see, what did I type?

This is a much cleaner and stronger story now that the creases have been ironed out. It is well worthy of publishing, in my opinion.

It reads well from the start and has plenty to keep the reader interested and reading along. Me and my B-D I did spot a few things in the read through, though they didn't deter from the pace or flow in any way, as they are all minor issues...

Each turn lead to another urban corridor ...should be... Each turn led to another urban corridor

and sucked in in a breath ...can you see it it? *Smile*

With no other options, Justin turned and paced toward the next alley, swimming with adrenaline. ...I would suggest a slight change in the sentences structure as it reads as though the alley was swimming with adrenaline.

Afternoon shadows shaped it - and - The tar and gravel riverbed stood motionless ...loved these descriptions.
11
11
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*


Okay, so this really is a strange little number, which left me a little dazed and confused.

Let me see if I got it right... Kid is pissed at living in an orphanage and would rather die, though he finds this spell online to conjure Santa into a cadaver by carrying out a black magic conjuration. Then when Santa arrives, we learn he needs the kid's soul to create if own Christmas magic. Though unable to take the soul 'cause the kid is immortal and soulless, so he asks the kid to join, and help, him. Where the next morning there are more presents under the tree as Santa isn't a nasty daemon, who eats kids souls?

Now the strange thing is, with all the weirdness of this tale and the immense holes in it, I really enjoyed it - though I did think the happy ending was going a little bit too far, though. It brought a smile to my face and kept me reading along.

For a Lovecraftian tale though, it needed to be more descriptive, creepier, and darker. You started off in the right way, but I think you lost it at the immortal section. Loved the idea of finding the spell and ritual online.

Kept to the Challenge – 7/10

As I stated above it needed to be more "Lovecraftian" and a tab bit more gore to take it from "Visceral" to "Splatterpunk" Style

Kept to the Rules – 10/10

Originality – 9/10

Though most of the things have been done a few times before, your strange mix of them makes this very fresh and abstract.

Grammar – 8/10

Here are the few things I spotted in read through...

The first three sentences in your third paragraph all begin with the same word - "He". The rule of thumb about starting consecutive sentences is that you should try to every sentence in a different way. If you cannot, then only start no more than two with the same word. This is easy to rectify with quick and easy rewrites... He then went over to his laptop and scrolled down to the instructions ...this could easily become... Going over to the laptop, he scrolled down to the instructions

Medical professionals even had a name for it. The name wasn't important, only it's location ...because you make the statement about the gland having a medical name, the following sentence becomes passive as you say it isn't important. There are two ways around this. The first is to combine the two sentences and miss out the "unimportant" part... Medical professionals even had a name for it, though only it's location was important to him ...better yet, as Lovecraft would do, name it... Medical professionals called in the pineal gland. ...as this is more succinct and to the point.

drill through the forehead of the body ...I would suggest changing body to skull as the connotations are better and the sentence is more realistic and truthful.

The five parts of the human body lay on the circle ...consider changing on to in for the same reason as above.

Then John saw something that scared even him ...I would suggest removing even because you haven't shown he's fearless, plus it keeps the line more succinct and a little bit more powerful.

The severed body parts the lay on the circle began to waiver ...I know what your trying to say here but I would recommend a few changes... The severed body parts laying in the circle began to twitch and move ...the wasn't required and in your sentence made it awkward; I also changed the in for the same reason as above; and changed waiver for better descriptive narrative of the moving body parts - hopefully adding to the creepiness.

he noticed the eyes were pearl-white, having no eyeballs. ...how can the eyes be pearl-white if he has none? Do you mean the eye sockets were pearl-white? Or that the eyes had no pupils and cornea?

It opened its mouth and a voice came out of it though the mouth never made any movements to produce it and remained still instead ...this is a very passive and awkward sentence, which is also overly long. Even if the comma had been placed before the though wouldn't have helped much. It could do with a more descriptive rewrite, such as... the mouth opened issuing forth a terrifying voice. However, neither it's lips, jaw, or vocal chords worked to produce the dreadful noise.

The deep growling voice laughed and said in a disembodied voice ...this would read better if you moved disembodied to earlier in the sentence... The disembodied voice laughed, then growled deeply, "Merry

so that my reindeers and can feast ...you have a missing word here... so that my reindeer's and I can feast

leaving behind only a faint scar ...I would suggest removing only from the sentence as it's passive and not required.

Dialogue – 8/10

For the most part your conversations were realistic and sounded and felt true, though there were a couple of sections which I felt let the story down... the main one being You are like a doughnut with a big whole in the middle as that, for me didn't sound right in context with Santa's other speech.

"Come with you?" ...should be... "Go with you?

Characters – 6/10

Because your Santa is so different it would've been nice to have more a characterisation here - though you do get a certain disdainful feeling towards him and he comes off as brash and boorish. The main character of the kid is the one that needs the most work. You need to get your reader to relate to them, whether through things they do, what they say, or think, and through their emotions and feelings. I would think the orphan would feel alone and as though the world is against them sometimes, if not most of the time, though this doesn't really come through. This would be one way, because at one point in time, your readers would've gone through those feelings and emotions too - this would make them feel as though they were part of the story.

Pace and Flow – 8/10

Though there were a couple of minor issues where the conversation slowed me down the story flowed well and read at a steady pace throughout. Though if you wanted to make it scarier I would suggest slowing it down a little.

Feeling / Emotion – 4/10

This is the section which paid the price for the story being so short and having so much content - there was so much happening in just 1305 words that the Emotion side took a knock. As I mentioned in the Characters section I believe that by adding feelings and emotions to your characters your reader will relate and emphasise with them. This in return will make your story stronger. Also this is a Horror Story and even though you started fine, with the ritual and the body parts and got a little darker with the Santa /daemon issue you lost the horror elements when you introduced the "Immortal" section, which is a shame as this could've been a much harder hitting story.



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Monthly Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
12
12
Review of Nick's Friends  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*


SORRY this review is sooo late, as you may know I've been having some problems - at least I'm online again... for the moment...

I love the fact that you've gone really old style, and brought back an old, and much darker, Christmas Fable - bringing it upto date in the process. I really enjoed it.

This could just be me (as I can be too picky for my own good sometimes) but I would take another look at the story with the precept of changing a few of your sentence beginnings, as a lot start in very similar ways... I, Then, It, etc... and along the same line, look for words to describe the Krampus, as you use it's name a lot... the creature, beast, etc... It's just a small thing, though I do think it would make the story stronger.

I also don't think you need the opening line, as you repeat it later in the story. If you do keep the line then think about changing the second version of it a little, like... So, here I was watching the Krampus chew on Billy's insides

Kept to the Challenge – 8/10

Not exactly the prompt of mistaking Santa for a Burglar, but I really enjoyed the story non-the-less.

Kept to the Rules – 10/10

Originality – 8/10

Though, you brought back an old fable, it's one not many know... so it's kinda original, again *Smile*.

Grammar – 9/10

As I stated above there are quite a few similar starting sentences and the use of Krampus, and there were a couple of things I noticed in my read through...

You use maam twice in the story, both of them should be ma'am as it's an abreviation for madam.

"It's O. K." ...this is better if you use the word and not the abbreviations... "It's okay."

Dialogue – 9/10

This was very good and very realistic, especially when you main character comes face to face with Ol' Saint Nick for the first time - loved that scene *Smile*.

Characters – 8/10

For such a short story you did a good job on your main character, who came off as a stressed and aggrevated mother. Who, due to a busy life had little time to really acknoweledge her son, and tried to find an easy out - even resorting to a charm. The husband leaving, the son acting up, and her seeing the father in him is a good way to get your reader to relate to your character - well done.

Pace and Flow – 9/10

The piece flowed well and you kept the pace pretty moderate throughout and it worked well with this story.

Feeling / Emotion – 6/10

I picked up an the mothers stress, and the anger when Santa called, it was unfortunate that her distress, sadness and horror didn't come through just as well, which is a shame as it's a horror story... maybe the story needs to be a tab bit longer - about a thousand words, so you could get all those emotions in.



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Flash Fiction Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
13
13
Review of Consummated  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*


I really did enjoy this story of Wedding Night antics with a strange twist. It's this twist that makes the story feel a little too disjointed though...

To have the groom suddenly jettisoned into a chair, is one thing which helps the confusion. I liked the idea and I thought you were going for a body thief; then you tell the reader that he is in fact remembering a past time and that he is sat in an asylum room with his bride, who has lost her mind - and her golden hair. Now this isn't a bad twist, though I would like to ask... what was the rotten flesh?

With the couple of twists in such a short wordage amount the statement of then came the stench of rotten flesh and that just left me wondering - and not in a good way. I would suggest removing it from this version, as it doesn't seem needed.

The other little point was the "Soft-Quiet" horror style... Yes there wasn't any too explicit "Horror" descriptions, because there wasn't a lot of horror. You have the basis for a really good story here. I would recommend you expand the story, and try to bring in a creepy atmosphere to the proceedings; around the area where she starts to scream - and where you can then tell your reader just what the rotting flesh is; and why it turns her hair white and frazzles her brain.

Kept to the Challenge – 10/10

Kept to the Rules – 10/10

Originality – 4/10

Not really sure about this as you do a great job of describing the wedding night and then jump to the end, without a middle section.

Grammar – 8/10

I only spotted a few things on read through...

The sentence that starts Our honeymoon suites bay windows..., has the sound from the waves; by using from you need an action later in the sentence - e.g. the sound from the waves rang in my ears. However, there is no action further in the sentence.

Also in the same sentence you have lapping against the shore OR breaking against...; the way the sentence is laid out this should be and.

stood naked across the room with her golden hair ...since this is an overrunning sentence I would recommend placing a comma in-between room, with to break up its length.

Dialogue – 8/10

Since this is told in the first person, and has the feel of narration, the entire piece can be looked at as a monologue - which reads well and realistically.

Characters – 5/10

You have placed in things with which your reader can relate, though the characterisation has suffered a little due to more action sequences - should you expand the story then look to building your characters a little more.

Pace and Flow – 9/10

This read at a steady pace from the beginning to the end easily and without problems.

Feeling / Emotion – 5/10

You definitely have the hot and heavy going on, which is a very good thing for a sexual horror, though you still need the horror. As I said at the start the story is lacking in that emotion, which is bad for a horror story - so should you expand than look at this section too.



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Flash Fiction Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
14
14
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*



This is a truly nasty tale of two peoples depravity and their search for something darker than carnel lust. Unluckily for them, they find it.

The story is very good, unfortunetley it's the telling of the story which lets the piece down. You slip in and out of different tenses (past and present), throwing your reader into confusion. Then you have supossedly long moments of thought; where the main character, Sabina, thinks over what has happened. There are two things which make this confusing in itself - One is that you don't inform your reader that she is thinking about the past early enough - by the time that you do, your is confused and wondering what's going on - The second is that the thoughts Sabina has are told as though she is narrating them to someone; ask yourself if you think in this way and I bet that you don't. What you need to do is rewrite those sections in the correct way and this will help to make the story stronger and better for your readers.

There are also a few Grammar errors, the main one being the use of "i" instead of "I" - I counted eight in my read through - again simple things like this can distract the reader, and in some cases make them stop reading (and on WdC they may not Rate and Review either).

Get these issues sorted and you'll have a pretty good story here.


Kept to the Challenge – 8/10

It's a little too bloody to be in the "Soft / Quiet" Horror Style, it's more "Visceral".

Kept to the Rules – 10/10

Originality – 8/10

I've read stories about Succubi and Incubbi before, though a tale about too sexualy depraved lovers searching them out - this is my first, good job *Thumbsup* .

Grammar – 4/10

As I've mentioned above there are quite a few times you slip between Past and Present tense, I may not get all of the incidenses here, so have a read through for yourself and see. I also stated about the "i"'s - these too I'll let you find and change.

Here are some other things I spotted on my read through...

when her body froze of panic ...this is not incorrect. It does, however, read a little awkwardly. I would try something like... when her body froze in panic ...or... when her body froze from panic ...these are more precise in the image you are trying to relate.

still flowing from the eviscerated guts of Micheal ...again, not incorrect just a little awkward. Try... still flowing from Michael's eviscerated guts

one year since I'VE opened my legs ...and... Sure I'VE had sex before ...both of these should be I'd as they are past tense.

Luckily, she could now move. ...you should tell your reader the reason why she can now move, this will hopefully allow your reader to relate and make the point clearer.

one hand covering THE mouth ...not wrong, just awkward. I'd try changing it to her - once again more succinct.

stop the vomit that promised to overflow ...nothing wrong with this either, though I would like to show you how to get rid of the "Pesky Words", like "that" and "had", which if left unchecked can overrun your stories. Most of the time it's simple and easy and actually helps with the pace and flow of your sentence - like this... stop the vomit, promising to overflow

I then knew he prepared something surprising ...should be... I then knew he had prepared something surprising

and fucked my eyes out in the basket ...there are a couple of things with this sentence - one is, the correct saying is "fucked my brains out" (fucking eyes out leaves a horrible picture in my mind... urgh! *Smile* ). The second is, there is a comma missing. So, try... and fucked my brains out, in the basket

Now we come to the little bit of conversation this should be laid out as such...

He said, "Do you trust me?"

"With my soul"

"Tonight we redefine carnal pleasure by conjuring an Incubus and a Succubus to ravish us."

are demons which inhabit humans ...there are two ways to correct this sentence... are demons, which inhabit humans ...or... are demons that inhabit humans

,,Goat Blood" he said ...should be... "Goat Blood," he said

and cut his insides ...there are a few ways to rectify this sentence... and cut out his insides ...or... and cut his insides out ...or... and stabbed his stomach

with his guts still hanging ...you need to finish off this sentence with a word like down or out, etc.

Dialogue – 7/10

The little piece of dialogue in the story is okay though it doesn't read or feel quite realistic enough.

Characters – n/a

Pace and Flow – 5/10

What with the Grammer errors the pace is very choppy and the flow is very jerky, causing the reader to stop reading at times - though once the issues have been delt with the pace and flow will be rectified.

Feeling / Emotion – 6/10

There is a little bit of terror and horror in this story - which is a good thing. It could've done with more sexual tension and excitement, since it is about two peoples obsession with sex. This and a little more horror, terror, or creepiness, would make this a strong story.



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Flash Fiction Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
15
15
Review of The Hunt  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*


You start the story off very well indeed, with the opening paragraph and actually the entire first scene, which is very well written and has a good descriptive sentence that I liked – He shuddered as he carved flesh to the symphony playing in his head.

Then, due to word limit issues you blaze through the supposed “Hunt”, when he becomes obsessed with a woman, to the point of courting and marrying her. The speed of this section and the lack of the descriptive narrative, of the first scene, pulls the reader away from the story, and makes the entire thing feel very disjointed and awkward.

Unfortunately you don’t seem to get that same feeling and style back when you slow the pace of the story back down. Where the first scene feels polished and finished, the later parts feel rough and rushed. This may have been due to the deadline.

I would strongly suggest that you take another look at this story and give it a good polish, even if it means extending it, as you have the basis of a very good tale here. The double twist is very clever and well thought out. You also thought out the good Doctors penance very well and the nasty and graphic torture he endures for it to be carried out.

Kept to the Challenge – 10/10

Kept to the Rules – 10/10

Originality – 8/10

There have been quite a few sold souls in stories, that’s nothing new, and with numerous reasons for their sale; though the double twist gives this an added boost.

Grammar – 7/10

There weren’t many errors or typos in the story (I’ve listed them below); as I stated at the beginning, I believe the story would be much stronger if the rest of your story was written in the same style as the beginning, which is one of the best I’ve read on WdC. It sets the scene and gives you a feel of the story.

Here are the things I spotted in the read through…

Dr. Lambert peeled OF his surgical gloves …should be off

He was not on a table, but a chair …though not wrong I would try… He was not on a table, but in a chair

A hot needle tore through his flesh and thread connected …you need a comma in this sentence… A hot needle tore through his flesh, and thread connected

Dialogue – 8/10

The dialogue is quite realistic – I would recommend actually speaking the dialogue out loud; hold the actual conversation with yourself, you may find you’ll change a couple of little things just to get a more realistic feel to it, by doing this.

Characters – n/a

At the start I thought we’d have a nice character driven story, what with the description of the good doctor. However that changed when we came to the second part. This was probably a good thing, due to the direction the story took at that point. You chose to show the action and not the characterisation, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Pace and Flow – 6/10

The pace is steady in the first section, hectic in the second and then resume to steady from the third to the end. Though due to the shortness of the story, this change made the flow choppy and not smooth. Added to that, the difference in writing style, the flow grew more rough.

Feeling / Emotion – n/a

There wasn’t much in the way of feeling or emotion in the story – which is a bad thing since horror stories thrive on this element. There were some dark elements in it, and some nasty descriptions of an horrific event too. But the horror was lacking. This too I believe is in part to the low wordage limit and the amount of action taking place.

As I mentioned above, this story could do with a rewrite and I believe, for it to be a greater story, it needs to be extended. This story could quite easily become a novella in size, since it has so many elements – the second section alone could turn out pages. Showing the Doctor falling in love, becoming obsessed, stalking her, dating her, marrying her, the honeymoon. All of which, to get your reader hooked and relating to the characters, needs to be full of emotion, feeling & characterisation. In fact you could probably squeeze a novel out of this *Smile*.



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Flash Fiction Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
16
16
Review of The Hunt  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*


I really enjoyed this story – told out of the Chuthulhu mythos of the old gods.

It’s a good and nasty tale of how power and influence can corrupt and lead to delusions of grandeur. Jeremy thinks he controls gods because he has done so much in their service, though Nyarlathotep and his betrothed, Stephanie, have other ideas on the subject.

Well written, well told and well nasty.

Kept to the Challenge – 7.5/10

Even though you mention The Hunt for Political Gain in the stories description - the story is mainly about Stephanie and the Big Bad. Jeremy is really the third character and in the section about his wants for the future, and his remembrances of the past, I just didn't get the feeling this pertained to a Hunt for Political Gain. He had served Nyarlathotep to ascertain the power - which isn't really a hunt. Still a good story without the hunt prompt though *Smile* .

Kept to the Rules – 10/10

Originality – 8/10

I’ve read a few Lovecraft stories, not many of the Chuthulhu Mythos tales, and not as many as I should read (I’ve got a few books in the Library, I’ll have to dig them out *Smile* ), and I haven’t read one quite like this.

Grammar – 9.5/10

I didn’t spot any errors or typo’s on the way through, and I only have one suggestion…

The woman’s flesh was restored even as his own burst into flame, with just a little smoke at first, then tiny puffs of bursting blisters. This is a long sentence, which doesn’t quite have the same feel to it as the rest of the story. I believe it would be better to split this sentence into two separate ones, placing the first full-stop after flame. The second half of this sentence is also a little passive and could do with a slight rewrite to bring it up to the quality of the story. You are a good enough writer to do this without any help form me.

Dialogue – 10/10

Though you are dealing with the fantastic and the otherworldly your dialogue and conversations ring true and read realistically.

Characters – 8/10

It was nice to have at least one trait per character – Jeremy was overconfident and probably delusional. Stephanie – was in love, or obsessed, with the old god, and demented enough to show it in pain and suffering, as well as being vicious in her wrath. Nyarlathotep – was an all powerful, suffer-no-fools tyrant.

This worked very well to keep me reading along.

Pace and Flow – 9/10

In the short dream sequence the pace is relatively steady, and then you speed things up with the gloriously gory action, which continues to the climax. The flow is smooth throughout both sections, and not once did I stop reading.

Feeling / Emotion – 6/10

Something had to be left behind in such a small word limit – though you did such a good job with everything else the emotional part didn’t do so well. As I mentioned in the Characters section you did a great job giving each a trait. Unfortunately, the traits emotions and feelings didn’t come through as well, though they were there. For example we know Jeremy is overconfident, possibly delusional, because in one section of dialogue you have him try to command the old god – it’s just that the feeling of these emotions aren’t so strong. This though is due to the wordage.

Great nasty little tale though; loved it.



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Flash Fiction Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
17
17
Review of The Hunt  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*


I always love a good revenge story and this is one of them. The story of one man’s love for a woman, and the lengths to which he’ll go to extract retribution on her tormentors – right to the point of selling his soul.

You start this story full blast, immersing your reader into the gory action of the revenge, which is a good idea as this is your strongest piece of writing. You have a pretty good skill to give your readers gory, succinct, descriptions – keeping the sentences short to increase the pace and make the reading exciting.

Though when the action is over and you get into the slower back-story it’s here that a few passive sentences creep in, and just distract the reader away from the story a little.

Though, overall this is a well thought out piece, nicely structured, and well written.

Kept to the Challenge – 10/10

Kept to the Rules – 10/10

Originality – 5/10

Not too worry about that – though there are quite a few sold soul stories and revenge tales out there (I’ve done a few myself *Smile* ).

Grammar – 9/10

There weren’t many errors / typos in the story, though I do have a few suggestions…

then fell face forwards in a pool of his own blood …most of my suggestions are similar to this in the fact that this sentence is not wrong. However, in this scene you have the first gangster being killed which leads to the question – if it’s not his blood who’s is it? his own is not required here as the reader will know it’s his - it will save you words and keep the pace you’ve set, also makes the sentence that bit more succinct.

He wanted to laugh …this is passive, why didn’t he laugh if he wanted to? This needs to be explained to the reader as later you do have David laughing, so we know he can. I would suggest having him laugh maniacally, as though his mind has broken with the violence and he’s gone insane… or on the verge.

David squeezed it like he did with the heart …to me, this doesn’t quite fit with the rest of the story, I would try… David squeezed it like he had the heart

A moment later, it caved in …for some strange reason it caved in doesn’t feel right here. I would try… A moment later, there came a crack …then change the following sentence slightly… Brains, fragments of skull and blood flew everywhere …I feel this keeps more in the feeling of your writing style and previous descriptions.

The creature had boomed, SOUNDED bored …should be… sounding

in awe of what WAS before him …to keep in the style of your writing and descriptions I would try… stood

I want revenge.” David had said …if you are using said or some similar speech description then it should be… I want revenge,” David had said …you also don’t really need the had here as you’ve already informed your reader this is a past event.

He wasn’t the first to lose a loved one and he WON’T be the last …should be… wouldn’t

- which was the idea …this also isn’t necessary as you’ve sufficiently told your reader he’s plain and able to blend in on any street in any town. This addition reads as though you, the writer, are telling the reader a personal bit about the story. This breaks the feel of the story as you, the writer, are not invested in the story itself, just in the telling. I would suggest removing it completely. Though if you do require something along the lines then try something like… He could blend in almost anywhere, drawing little or no attention to himself

Dialogue – 8/10

On the whole, the dialogue is good – though I think it could be slightly better. Try reading it aloud in the characters voices.

Characters – 6/10

You tell us that David misses his wife Sarah though we don’t really get the love, or the obsession, he must have to carry out such heinous acts. This is where I would suggest you expand his character and give your reader something more concrete to relate too. Maybe just have him envision her blonde hair as it used to cascade over and lay on the pillow… it always seemed as though the sun were kissing it with its rays. Or something about her eyes, her cooking, her affection. All of these will lead your reader to relate a little more and become more hooked by your story.

Pace and Flow – 9/10

As I mentioned at the start, you handle the action and the gore well. You start the story at a breakneck speed and then slow it down to a calmer pace for the climax – and this works really well for this story.

Feeling / Emotion – 6/10

In a story of retribution you need to describe the feelings which are driving the person to carry out the violent acts. Does he feel ashamed of the way he’s treated her? Is he angry and depressed that he wasn’t there to help her in her time of need? Is his love for her so all consuming that it urges him on to seek revenge? These are the main emotions in this type of story, as you want your reader to get behind him and support him. Second comes the fear and the horror of his victims, and of their victim (if you choose to show it).

I know the wordage limit hinders you and things have to be removed – so should you decide to expand this story, I would suggest that this is a main area to look at.



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Flash Fiction Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
18
18
Review of Chef's Heritage  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*


I really like this story and the concept behind it of a family member having a “Killers” house bestowed to them… would they keep it(?) or sell it(?) after all it is just a house…

Though this is a well written story, there are a few places which need a little attention… For example She checked the clock to discover her husband had gone to investigate the noises more than an hour ago. There’s nothing wrong with the sentence, it’s that the word discover makes the sentence a little cold, and I’m not too sure it’s the best word to convey your meaning at this point. You could also add a little feeling and emotion here too, like… Checking the clock, she was shocked to realise her husband had been gone for over an hour investigating the strange noises they had heard. Here you are showing Joanne’s reaction to a situation instead of just giving your reader a statement of events.

With a slight rewrite in these places you will expand on your character and weave emotion and feeling into the story – making it all the more readable to your reader.

Kept to the Challenge – 8/10

Though you kept to the subgenre of Dark – Psychological and the Visceral style, the only mention of noises were in the opening paragraph and they were a little vague. It would’ve been nice if you had played that out a little more.

Kept to the Rules – 10/10

Originality – 9/10

We’ve had psycho’s and we’ve had stories about their psychosis being passed on; and we’ve had tales of houses possessing its inhabitants. First time I’ve seen both at the same time.

Grammar – 9/10

This was pretty much spot on I only spotted one thing in my read through…

Your PARENT came in early …should be parents.

Dialogue – 8/10

There’s not much dialogue in the story, though what is there is pretty realistic and true-to-life. Just not sure about the “DADDY!” part as it just didn’t feel right to me. Love the bit before that though, where Mike talks to her for the first time – I could actually hear the joviality in his voice.

Characters – n/a

There’s too much going on in such a short story that there wasn’t space enough to really expand on your characters – though as I mentioned in Dialogue by having the jovial touch to Mike’s conversation tells your reader he’s happy in his new found psychotic break; and goes to show that just a little can add quite a bit. As mentioned at the start, changing a few statement sentences into reaction sentences will also add to your characters.

Pace and Flow – 9/10

The story read at a steady pace from the beginning to the end – which worked well with this story – and I never faltered anywhere.

Feeling / Emotion – 8/10

I noted you tried to add feeling and emotions – the shock and horror of seeing dad in the boiling pot, with that one word – though, I don’t think there was enough, it was definitely a good try in so few words.



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Flash Fiction Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
19
19
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*


So you have a very good premise for a story here – For some undisclosed reason a family must take their kids in to the mountains and leave them there. There is something ominous happing… this is a certainty as the creatures climb up the mountain after them… though to what ends? What reason?

It’s also these points which create a stumbling block for the story as well as the writer, how much should he give away – should he tell the whole truth, show the whole picture, or should he show just a little and tease the reader, or should he try an show hardly anything at all.

For this type of horror style the writer should hint at certain thing – for this story I would say you should hint at the suggestion that the family are being followed, and then at the end maybe hint at movement out in the trees… and it’s coming closer… closer…

The other thing for this type of horror is it’s meant to be creepy – your story was strange though not too creepy. I would suggest using better descriptions to build up an atmosphere. Make the mountain desolate and foreboding, full of trees and shadows… and there’s movement in the shadows – isn’t there?

I would also let the reader into the reason why the parents have to “loose the kids” in the mountains. This would then give your story a strong base to build upon. I find horror works if you keep it as much as you can in reality. So when the horror comes its more powerful due to the reality of the story.

Kept to the Prompt – 10/10

Kept to the Rules – 10/10

Originality – 9/10

I have to give top marks because it’s actually hard to know just what the story is about – except for the parents leaving the children on the mountain.

Grammar – 8/10

I didn’t find too many things wrong with the story in the read through…

In the opening sentence you use both surprised and surprising this is a little awkward and I would suggest changing one of the words – or give the sentence a rewrite so you could loose one of them altogether.

astounded by the hurried calm their mom and dad packed everything …you have a missing word here… astounded by the hurried calm as their mom and dad packed everything

chips in the dad …there are a couple of tense errors, this is one of them. You are telling the story in past tense so this should be… chipped in the dad

Charlie calls everyone’s attention …should be… Charlie called everyone’s attention

Dialogue – 7/10

For the most part your dialogue is good and quite realistic; I just think it could be a little better. Here’s a tip – read your dialogue out aloud – In fact I highly recommend that once you’ve completed the story you should read it out aloud too. This will have two effects – it should make your partner laugh (and think you’re slightly barmy) – but it will also help because you’ll start to realise that, even though, it read well in your mind, on your tongue is a different matter. And for dialogue, on your tongue is what counts. Give it a try and join us nutters to hold conversations with ourselves – voices are optional *Laugh*.

Characters – n/a

You have so many characters within this story that you don’t focus on one in particular – which I find for this type of horror a story a good thing. If you were writing a longer piece then characters are important to draw your reader in and relate too.

Pace and Flow – 6/10

Your story is at a steady pace throughout, which works well. Though the flow is a little rough – which I think is owing to the strangeness of the story and myself being unsure as to what the story was about.

Feeling / Emotion – 4/10

As I mentioned at the start, there should be a creepy and spooky feeling to the story – this wasn’t there. At the beginning of your story you have the parents springing a hiking trip on the kids – here there should have been joy tinged with a bit of worry, just in case they were playing a trick. As the day wore on the joy should fall away and the worry turn into anxiety and a growing fear, which culminates in horror at the final outcome. I’m not saying I could pull this off in such a short space but I would’ve tried for it. Your Soft / Quiet horror is all about atmosphere and feelings.



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Flash Fiction Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
20
20
Review of The Forest  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*


As always with your other stories, I enjoyed this one very much. Though it did raise a couple of questions in my mind as I read through – one was how old were the girls, as in my mind they were young. Because of such, this led to my second thought, would they swear as much – yes I know kids swear, we have plenty over here giving their parents lip, pretty much straight from the womb *Smile*. Though it was the swearing which stood out to me as it didn’t quite feel right (this coming from the bloke who has been told off for using too many expletives. Must be going soft in my old age).

I loved the idea of the mudman, though for a Soft/Quiet horror there wasn’t much suspenseful build up to the reveal. I think the story would’ve benefited greatly from a more atmospheric approach. I find if you generalise (in places) in this style of story it works wonder – don’t give your reader a clear vision, let them half-see and the other half let them envision and create in their own minds. Put your descriptions into the area and the feelings of the twins. Have their unease grow as they walk deeper into the ever darkening forest. Get your reader thinking… what’s going to happen?... what’s going to happen?...

I think with a good dose of atmosphere, creating a creepy, spooky, and eerie feel to your tale, would give you a good story.

Kept to the Prompt – 10/10

Kept to the Rules – 10/10

Originality – 9/10

There was the Mole-Men from Flash Gordon (now I’m showing my age *Smile* – I saw them on reruns) – though I’ve not read or seen a Mudman before – though isn’t the Golem meant to be made from the earth?

Grammar – 9/10

I just spotted one thing on my read through…

making little pop and slurping sounds …because you use slurping I think popping would be better here – though I do have a suggestion (and it saves words *Smile* )… making little pop-slurp sounds …as I think this fits with the description after this sentence.

The same could be used two sentences later with a suck-pop noise.

Dialogue – 8/10
On the whole, your dialogue reads very well and realistically – though as mentioned above I’m alittle unsure of the swear words, they don’t feel right here. One other thing, you’re dealing with sisters… twin sisters… as such I believe the interaction between them would’ve been a little more personal. Bringing in their own little sayings and the such. As they’re also twins, there are plentiful stories of the special bonds most share – similar thoughts, for example, and the ability to finish off the others sentences. This would’ve added to the story nicely – adding to things your reader can relate too.

Characters – 5/10

Apart from getting to know that both the girls were worried and inquisitive about their father there wasn’t much more in the way of characterisation – which isn’t a bad thing. Since you have limited words to play with I believe the atmosphere and feel of the story, especially for this style, is more important.

Pace and Flow – 8/10

The story begins at a steady pace and stays with that ‘till the ending, and flows effortlessly, never causing the reader to slow or stop once.

Feeling / Emotion – 5/10

As I mentioned above there wasn’t enough creepiness in the story. As the girls wandered deeper into the woods, their fear and anxiety should have grown. Once confronting the ending their fear should have been palpable. This for me in this style of horror is the main ingredient – add them and your story will rise and fill out *Smile* .



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Flash Fiction Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
21
21
Review of Return of Wendigo  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*


Okay, this story had a lot going for it – The premise of the Wendigo (in this case a killer snowman) – The brother and sister interaction – Being lost in the woods (to create a spooky and creepy atmosphere)

The main problem with the story, for me, was that you didn’t really get to grips with any of them.

What I will say is that you should take a look at two of your previous entries for help.

In “Dagon’s Promise” you set the atmosphere perfectly – there’ really was something disturbing about it and you could use this style to make the woods eerie, and the actions of Tina in creating the snowman creepy.

In “Kringle’s Retirement” the way Bad Santa interacts with people is spot on – from here you could develop the relationship between Jim and Tina. The way brothers and sisters talk with each other, is completely different than between friends, or even strangers. There’s a closeness that binds them, especially one’s who would camp out together.

You have the basis for a very good story here – I highly recommend rewriting this one (or let it write itself), go for as many words as it needs to tell the story, though bring in the above elements. That’s how good I think the story could be.

Kept to the Prompt – 10/10

Kept to the Rules – 10/10

Originality – 9/10

I’ve read stories on the Wendigo and I’ve seen movies of killer snowmen (yes I watched Jack Frost *Smile* – unfortunately I watched Jack Frost 2 alsop *Blush* ) though bringing the ideas together works really well.

Grammar – 10/10

Apart from the things I mentioned at the beginning I didn’t spot anything on my read through – great work & I wish I could write without mistakes…

Dialogue – 8/10

As mentioned above the interaction between the brother and sister didn’t quite feel right, one of the reasons being that the conversations didn’t hold any real personalisation’s – they did however, feel realistic.

Characters – n/a

In the story you had a lot going off and didn’t really give your reader any characters to relate too – this too would be alleviated once you inject a true interaction between Jim and Tina – your readers would start to relate better to them. You could’ve created the basic characters within the wordage but to do them just I do believe you’d require a larger playing-field.

Pace and Flow - 8/10

You started the story at a steady pace and kept this to the climax – though I think slowing it down with better descriptive narrative about the wood and Tina’s actions would’ve weaved a creepiness into the tale – and flowed steadily all the way, never once bringing your reader out of the story.

Feeling / Emotion – 5/10

I think you may have overwhelmed yourself with the story. With so much going on, not a great deal of time to write down what’s in your head, I think you did a good job – though a little more atmosphere and creepiness were required from the start.



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Flash Fiction Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
22
22
Review of Bump in the Night  Open in new Window.
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*


This was a very entertaining story about a couple camping in the woods and the horrific price they pay when they hear a strange sound.

It is a well written piece which could have benefited from a few more descriptive sections, and eliminating the few passive sentences in favour of more succinct ones. This would then keep the readers attention throughout the story – and hopefully put them on the edge of their seats.

Kept to the Prompt – 8/10

Spot on with the Supernatural sub-genre and the Prompt itself, though the style was more Visceral than the Soft / Quiet Horror required. If you’d kept Alex in the shadows, only hinting at his wounds – having Sophie too scared to go check him out; therefore removing the blood and the gory description. Then you would’ve been spot on.

Kept to the Rules – 10/10

Originality – 8/10

This is the hardest part of a story – being original (believe me we all suffer with this), though I’ve read haunted wood stories, and stories of shape-shifters, and monsters with savage teeth, your writing gave it a fresh feel.

Grammar – 8/10

I didn’t spot any typo’s or mistakes through the read through, though I do have a couple of suggestions. As mentioned above there were a few passive sentences, these could draw your reader out of the story – these can be eliminated with a simple rewrite…

but stopped quickly when they heard something. It was a loud creaking sound. …this is not incorrect at all. It is that something is a vague description – which is great if you aren’t going to tell your reader just yet what that something is; build it into a suspense and tension builder. However here you tell your reader straight away what that something is. So for this instance you can save on some valuable words by combining the two sentences… but stopped quickly when they heard a loud creaking sound …this reads better, keeps the flow and pace of the story, and is more succinct.

As she watched, it fell over, right in front of the tent, missing them by centimetres. Sophie screamed. …this is similar to the above, though in this case you’re explaining a quick action and because of the outcome you need to try and get your reader excited. Try something like this… Sophie screamed as the tree crashed down in front of her… only centimetres from the tent.

Another suggestion I have is to do with your dialogue (which is very good). You like to use “said” a lot though you can use different words to give and instil different feelings and emotions in your story.

”A hare?” Alex said. Sophie groaned in exasperation.
“No, like a wolf or something.” She said. Alex snorted.
“Don’t be ridiculous. There are no wolves over here.” Sophie sighed.

Now there are a couple of issues with this particular section. The first is that Sophie’s actions should be in the same paragraph as her speech, and Alex’s should also be on the same line as his speech. Though what I suggest is something along the lines of…

”A hare?” Alex asked bemused.
Sophie groaned in exasperation, “No, like a wolf or something.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Alex snorted. “There’re no wolves here.”
Sophie sighed.

This now adds feeling into the conversation, as well as being laid out correctly, and feelings are something your reader can relate too, which keeps them reading your story – and they will probably love it even more (though not know it).

”So-Sophie.” She heard Alex say weekly. …here I try to use a word such as gasp instead of say as it’s more descriptive. Something’s happened to him, he’s short of breath… he could be having trouble breathing… Something as small as changing that one word can put ideas into your readers’ heads, which brings them into the story a little bit more.

”What are you?” She said, in no more than a whisper. …here you can try something along the lines of… ”What are you?” She asked in a fear soaked whisper.

Dialogue – 9/10

Apart from the things mentioned above, which come under both banners, your conversation between the characters in your story was realistic and read well.

Characters – 5/10

There is a little bit of characterisation here, though I do believe to make them grow you’d need more space than the wordage limit of the contest. Though by using some cleaver description, within your dialogue, as mentioned above, this too will help to expand your characters.

Pace and Flow – 8/10

You did a pretty good job here. You start the story as a steady pace and then when you start the action you make the sentences more concise and succinct, building up the pace and creating tension. Once the passive sentence are changed the flow throughout your story will be spot on, as it was only these places which pulled my attention away from your story.

Feeling / Emotion – 6/10

There’s not too much feeling or emotion in the story. I did like the playful and happy mood you set when Alex asked Sophie if she wanted to see the 2nd largest thing in the forest. Once again, you can bring in feelings and emotion by cleaver use of descriptive narrative, and as I mentioned about the dialogue too. It needs to be creepier and scarier. At the end with the reveal, the reader needs to feel Sophie’s terror. Get this and you’ll have a very good story.



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Flash Fiction Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
23
23
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*


YAY! An “Olde” style Vampyre story – I loved it

At first I thought it might have been a “Lady in White” ghost story but then the fangs appeared. This was a treat to read and I enjoyed it all. There was a nice and eerie atmosphere to the tale, though this could’ve been amplified a little more for my taste – though I know you were limited to wordage restrictions.

Kept to the Prompt – 10/10

Kept to the Rules – 8/10

A word count at the beginning or end of the story would have been nice *Smile* .

Originality – 7/10

This type of story has been done before – and Vamps are still in the in-crowd at the moment too – though I do like that this had an old feel in its telling – Bram Stoker would’ve been happy.

Grammar – 9/10

On the whole I didn’t find anything particularly wrong in the story. However there were a couple of long “overrun” sentences that could have benefited from a few extra punctuations – though I don’t mention these below because they also read correctly as they stand (they didn’t need the punctuations) – so I’ll put that down to writer’s prerogative.

The only thing I found was…

rumour was anyone that entered never returned …there’re a couple of things in this sentence – firstly, I believe you need a comma after was – and secondly, I strongly believe in getting rid of many “pesky words” like that in stories for better more descriptive words. Now this is more of a suggestion, mainly because I read this line three times and every time my mind substituted another word for that, who – but that’s only me *Smile*.

And I have one last suggestion… Nicoli frowned and adjusted his jean jacket …the use of jean jacket, and the way it reads, brought me slightly out of the story and for this reason alone – to keep your readers hooked – I would suggest a change to denim jacket, which is also correct but doesn’t have that JJ feel to it.

Dialogue – 9/10

There’s not much conversation in the story – which is a good thing as you chose to focus on the atmosphere of the story – though what is present reads realistically.

Characters – n/a

There’s no characterisation of the people within the story – except for the Vamps hunger and thirst toward the end – and this works well as I mentioned above, you focus on the surrounding woodland and the atmosphere of the place and the story.

Pace and Flow – 9/10

You start of at a steady place and slow that down a little as you describe the woodland which helps to create the atmosphere. It would’ve been nice to have it a little creepier – though once again, wordage.

Feeling / Emotion – 9/10

This story is an atmospheric tale, you forgo the characterisations of the main characters to create and build a spooky atmosphere within the woodland and the story. I would’ve liked a little more creepiness to the tale, but that’s just me. I also liked the way you brought into the story a sensuality when around the bite scene which added greatly to the tale – note I said sensuality and not romantic. I’m an old fashioned “Vampyre story” man, I am not too keen on the modern romantic vamps, so this story was a breath of old air to me *Smile* thank you.



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Flash Fiction Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
24
24
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Balloonr* Review & Critique *Balloonr*


Okay: So, I enjoyed this story – it made me smile, and very nearly laugh… though I’m not sure it should’ve been entered into the contest as it didn’t really follow the prompt of writing a horror story through the eyes of a monster.

Granted, in your story Santa is a monster, though I’m not sure how many kids will agree with your take on the tale.

What I would recommend is that you lengthen this tale and place it into the Groups New Members Only Contest as the prompt for the Second Round is “Christmas” and there’s substantially more GP’s up for grabs. You just need to get the story up to around 1000 to 2000 words.

Hope to see you there *Smile* .



Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Also please note, The Review is done mainly as Judgment and Marking for the Absolute Horror Writers Flash Fiction Contest - The Rating however, is solely for the story.

Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.

Please feel free to check the new prompt,

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

and the Monthly Contest with more GP's to give away.

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
PENNYWISE
25
25
Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Yinyang* Review & Critique *Yinyang*


Now this is one dark and moody story, told in a very Noir kinda way. Filled to the brink with atmospheric enhancing descriptive narrative, this was a joy to read. I always enjoy the first person "Sam Spade" type of stories, filled with sarcasm and nihilism.

I loved *red*It was a dive with a musky odor like permanent mold mixed with stale tobacco, as if I were stepping on sore muscles and brittle bones, and especially the crone cackled with a mouth lonely of teeth.

This is a journey into a place where monsters live and wishes come true.

You draw your reader through your story, at a steady pace, with the feelings your descriptions create. What is going to happen next? What is this strange tableau about? Very well done - I never lost interest once.


I spotted some things on my read through...

for at the time I had it made pants coming down ...should be... for at the time I had it made, pants coming down

Her half torn off face in the morgue was what fate left me ...I think that changing what to all makes the sentence flow better and becomes more precise... Her half torn off face in the morgue was all fate left me

Sometimes the nightmares make me remember ...should be... Sometimes, the nightmares make me remember

Looked like there’d been a minor ruckus ...this sentence felt as though it was missing a word, in fact when I read it my mind added this word... Looked like there’d been a minor ruckus too

the two chairs lying on the floor nor the empty ...should be... the two chairs lying on the floor, nor the empty

sitting at a table on the right against the wall ...should be... sitting at a table on the right, against the wall

half filled ash trays ...should be... half filled ashtrays

A blond with sunken eyes ...should be... A blonde with sunken eyes

she just caressed the juke box ...should be... she just caressed the jukebox

He did but he sulked ...should be... He did, but he sulked

the vampire snarled and dug her nails across the juke box ...should be... the vampire snarled and dug her nails into the jukebox ...or... the vampire snarled and scratched her nails across the jukebox

I wondered how much Fate had construed my jealously at her infidelity as hatred ...should be... I wondered how much Fate had construed my jealousy, at her infidelity, as hatred


So you got the idea for the story from a Led Zep cover - classic *Smile* - though with the ending, I'm wondering if you were listening to Placebo(?)

Thank you for entering this well thought out dark tale into the contest - and thanks once again for upping the GP's


Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Thank you for letting me read your story.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

"Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
*BalloonR*PENNYWISE*BalloonR*
55 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 3 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pennywise