This is a beautifully crafted poem. In terms of pure artistry, it's quite a bit better than I can do. In ranking my overall enjoyment of the poem, however, it is difficult for me to remain impartial as I do not believe that the Fall was a bad thing, but was, in fact, an essential part of God's plan.
I don't know how interested you are in exchanging ideas on this topic, but if you would allow me to indulge in at least a single question, I would ask this: Had Adam and Eve not partaken of the fruit, what do you think would have happened? What was God's original plan for mankind?
Greetings:TEP I just read your story, Dimensions-Chapter One and would like to comment.
General Overview: My overall impression of your piece is that you've got all of the ingredients needed to flesh out a decent story. Even though this was meant as the first chapter of a longer work, it might have been beneficial to hint at something strange from the very beginning. Your story started with an average teen girl going to the grocery store. Nothing of consequence occurred until the very last line. Maybe start off with a catchier opening, or expand on strange things Crystal might have been experiencing leading to her kidnapping.
Plot: The plot so far is undefined and difficult to quantify. Taking this chapter on its own, there wasn't much of a story here until the end. Inter-dimensional travel can make for some fine storytelling, but so far, the reader is left with no clear impression of what the story is about. However, when your next segments are read, it might make more sense and work together to form a more coherent story.
Characters: The only character mentioned by name was Crystal, the prototypical teenage girl. I liked how you attempted to illustrate the temperament, thoughts and actions of someone her age. You might have been able to define her character a little more thoroughly, though. This chapter served as the reader's introduction and the only things we learned about her was that she has green eyes, she doesn't like One Direction and she thinks Barbecue chips are gross. You don't need to go into excruciating detail but some background would have helped.
Theme and Tone:
Your tone was somber and low key. It fit the story thus far. When you get into more action in your story, it might help to infuse your writing style with more intensity.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar
The only major thing I spotted was the line, "the door turned a bright purple, almost like a purple." If the door was bright purple, then it wasn't almost like purple because it WAS purple. Instead of using 'purple' a second time, I would recommend finding a simile that conveys the color you have in your mind. Suggestions: Just what I mentioned above. I would jettison your description of Crystal's green eyes that "glistened in the sun." It's a visual that, though poetic, is rather difficult to imagine.
Other than that, I think you have a pretty good start. Just a little backstory on your protagonist and some kind of a 'hook,' and I think it would be quite good.
Very entertaining. I think you touched a little on some hypocrisy evident in those Christians who insist that marriage has always been one man/one woman, while disregarding the numerous references of polygamy practiced among many of God's choicest prophets.
This quiz is impossible because the right choices are not present in most of the questions. The second commandment forbids the worshiping of false idols or graven images, but that wasn't an option. The third commandment is a prohibition against taking God's name in vain. The fourth commandment is about remembering the Sabbath and keeping it holy. The fifth is 'honor thy father and mother.' The sixth forbids killing. The eighth forbids stealing. On top of that, question 8 and 9 were not in order.
I enjoyed the general message you were trying to convey. I believe our lives would all be better off if we focus more on what we have than on what we don't. The gospel of Jesus Christ, after all, is a gospel of hope and there is no greater need for hope than when we are mired in our afflictions.
That being said, I don't know if I got the impression that there was some master plan behind your misadventures, at least based on what you have written here. Were there any specific things that occurred, or thoughts that crossed your mind that kept you focused on the message of thankfulness? Were your thoughts turned towards Christ throughout the night, or did such thoughts only happen after it was over? In what ways did your faith help keep you grounded during your ordeal? These are some of the questions I think would enhance the story if they are adequately answered.
It looks like you have the basic kernel of a story here, that could, with some work, turn out pretty decent. But you have some serious issues that need to be addressed to even make the piece readable. The first, you need to utilize paragraphs more. You've got a 2,000+ short story here, all told in one large block of text. It's hard on the eyes and I found it difficult to stay focused on what I was reading.
You also need to pay close attention to spelling and grammatical errors. In the item's description, you said that a family is "terrorfied." That is not a word. You could use "terrified," or "terrorized," depending on what you are hoping to convey. You also say "I myself IS ready." It should be AM instead of IS. And it's not 'crimenly,' but rather, 'criminally.' You also misspelled 'cemetery,' at least twice, but different ways each time.
I actually liked the tone you were striving for in describing the cemetery, the stone path, broken sign, all hallmarks of horror fiction, so maybe you should really concentrate your focus on honing your ability to craft truly atmospheric tales, trying to establish a dark mood. So much of what you wrote was more 'tell,' rather than 'show.' We are told about the personalities of her children, what they are like, who their friends are. There wasn't a lot of action going on. I also detected several instances where you switched from past tense to present tense.
Try focusing on some of the basics, grammar, spelling and such, try to bring to the forefront your strengths, like mood, and keep writing!
Shrinking stories are a dime a dozen on this website, but you have managed to generate a unique twist on an old idea by implementing the amnesia angle. More terrifying than finding yourself inexplicably shrunk is finding out you know nothing of yourself or your surroundings. At the same time you managed to set up a story that seeks to probe the human response when found in adverse situations, the disorientation, the panic, the frantic search for answers.
Very nice job. I don't usually read shrinking stories, but I liked this one.
Excellent work. I was not familiar with Huitain until I read this. I think you did a wonderful job of crafting a nice little poem under the strict guidelines that Huitain poetry has established. Everything flowed smoothly, invoking familiar images and sensations we have all experienced during the Summer months. I especially liked your final line. A fitting end that really sticks with you after finishing.
I don't really have any criticism other than mere curiosity as to whether or not there was any deeper, symbolic meaning to the piece, or if it was meant to be taken literally. Other than that, very nice.
I think you have thoroughly excelled in your use of language and vocabulary. It was wide and varied, but never felt pretentious. Each word served a useful purpose in bringing the entire piece to fruition. Writing the poem as one long, continuous sentence also gave it a natural flow. It was easy to tell when a reader is supposed to stop and when he should quicken his pace.
I'm a little unsure of the content. I think I get the general idea of what is being said, but admittedly, poetry is not one of my strong suits. There are hints of betrayal by 'compatriots and cohorts,' and our 'brothers and sisters.' There is talk of losing our peace and sanity over their actions, driven by their own twisted ideas of what is right and wrong. Am I on the right track? If so, I can really get behind the message, but I feel like I am missing a crucial piece of information that would serve to render fully the meaning behind the speaker's words.
You know you've taken a quality survey when questions about yourself give you pause, when you realize you may not know yourself as well as you might have thought. That is the impression I got from this survey. I honestly didn't have good answers for some of the questions and had to agonize over the best way to respons. It also gave me opportunity to reflect upon things in my life I want to change and has given me greater resolve in doing this. For that, I thank you.
I have no negative comments really. All of the questions were cogent and on point. I did leave a few question suggestions in the survey, but that in no way is indicitave of any sort of displeasure.
Excellent job.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pistonfan
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 10:11am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "