I'm not going to lie, this inspired me a little bit. I haven't read such a good poem in quite a while - much less made one - and it actually resonated on a level. I have no critique for this sublime little piece of yours, only praise for what you have created. Excellent work!
This was quite an interesting read to me, and I like the premise of it being an allegory for the unending war machine. I'm taking it that English isn't your first language, but I still applaud your efforts to get something out! More than I did until recent.
Aside from the grammar errors and such, I really enjoyed the imagery and once the picture was painted, I could understand it clearly. Good job, and keep it up!
Greetings! Saw this in the Please Review section and thought I'd try my hand at giving one. I'm relatively new to the site, so it might not be the best advice, but I hope it helps!
Reading this through, I feel like you have a good grip on the people and their personalities. It seems well paced at a first glance, though I do notice some small errors that I'd personally fix.
Example, you wrote:
No, it’s not the largest one, but plenty for the three of us, my mother; Janet, my brother; Tommy, and myself; Bobby Harlow.
Semi-colons are not typically used like this. I would rewrite it as:
No, it's not the largest one, but its plenty for the three of us. My mother, Janet, My brother, Tommy, and myself. Bobby Harlow.
Another thing I noticed is as follows:
Bobby Jo, who lived up the street, said, her momma told her that he ‘Hexed’ her. I knew that’s true because I saw her throwing stuff around the house; while, cussing like a man in a saloon.
I would correct this to:
Bobby Jo's momma, who lived up the street, said that he 'Hexed' her. I knew that was true because I saw her throwin' stuff around the house while cussin' like a man in a saloon.
Note that I attempted to emulate the dialect, not sure if I did it right. There are a few other things I could comment on, but this should give you a good idea of the things to look out for!
A very quick-written, but well paced story. Made me smile a little during a down day, I will admit! I find nothing wrong with the pacing nor writing itself, and all in all it's a nice little piece, quite amusing to read.
Hope this message finds you well, and have a wonderful day!
All the best, R.S.V.R
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