I don't know what you are shooting for here, but the way the piece reads it seems like a scene from a film script. Leaves a lot of latitude for the director to interpret the scene.
I don't know where the story is going from here, but you've got a great beginning. It appears that your are working in the fantasy genre. One thing that is great about fantasy is you're only limited by your imagination.
Keep up the good work.
Well written. Your piece digs into the thought processes of all children who have to adjust to living in an unkind world. It reminds me of a testimony a minister once told his congregation. He was waiting for a bus when the Lord impressed him to go knock on the door of a house nearby for someone in there needed encouragement. He obeyed the Lord and was invited in. There was a widow living there and the house was a dump and smelled awful. "How can a person live in this mess." he thought to himself as he tried to lift the person from their depression. Then the Lord spoke to his heart, "you're here for only a few minutes, I live here every day." Parents should teach their children that their body is the temple of the Lord and once invited he will come and dwell within. If God likes your temple what other people think means nothing.
Loved it. Spooky but enticing, but you left me hanging. For you that's a good thing. Makes the reader want more. For me, not so good I'd like to see what happens next. And that's a good thing.
I love a good prologue. I use them in my own stories to draw the reader in. The only thing I would change is in the very last sentence. The words 'only seconds' I would change to 'a heartbeat'. Waiting seconds could get a man knifed in the night.
Great work. Reads like a rousing western.
Boundless soul?, Disembodied?, The Copy?.
My first impression, is a lab, perhaps with a fresh cadaver on a stainless table. The brain having been scanned of every memory and recorded, reassembled on the hard drive of a super computer. She regains consciousness but can only see the face of the woman who is attempting to let her live beyond death of her body. She's been uploaded.
This sort of sounds like the Johnny Dep Movie where he gets uploaded and loosed on the internet to attempt creating a new world. But that's the impression I get.
Good work, highly creative. If I were you I'd move forward on this, but take it in your own direction and personal vision for your story. My impressions mean nothing in the face of your own vision.
It is our traumas that form our character. Those same emotional scars drive the artist in us to break out in song, pictures, and word craft. I think word craft best exposes to the world the fabric of the artists mind.
Good writing, do more.
This is one of the most creative pieces I have read in a while. Really good work. Spelling and diction is perfect, so that means you took time to edit, or you were so good you didn't have to.
I think you're oozing with talent, keep up the good work.
Good diction. Well written dialogue that describes the everyday mundane slice of life of a boy who has not yet found his own direction. Saw only one miss spell. Keep up the good work.
Creative, imaginative, well written. For someone who is 12-17 I'd say you are writing beyond your years. Cudos to you.
I like your story. It is a hook all in itself. Why is your character running? What is she running from? What are her peculiarities? All these things are present in your first little bit of introduction. Please keep expounding on this story and fill in the blanks as you go. If you have to get bored to write like this, I hope you get bored to tears soonest.
I took the liberty of putting your character in the feminine gender simply because you tolerate your sister more than a boy would.
Yours is a good story line. The concept draws me in wanting to know more about what's coming.
However, writing in the third person is okay, but you are not letting the characters talk. Only the third person observer is telling the story, so far the story is written like a synopsis.
Go back and tell about why she went to the party, who she talked to, who was the father. Who does she talk to about her pregnancy, how does she feel about it all.
It is a good story, let your characters become three dimensional people whether they are good, evil, or indifferent.
Keep up the good work.
I think.......this is high art. Allowing that other you loose frees your imagination and the creation of your invisible worlds. I found that place during my high school years, and it's a wonderful place.
Very well written and professionally done. As a pastor, I recognize some of the wisdom of Christ in your words. The Apostle Paul said of himself on his path to an overcoming life. "I bring every thought under subjection." Of errant thoughts entering the mind, a preacher once said. "A bird may light on your head, but you don't have to let them build a nest there.
Kudos
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