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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rhondat
Review Requests: OFF
187 Public Reviews Given
195 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I use a review template format for 90% of reviews that covers feedback on the following: Overall Impression, characters, dialogue, plot, setting, grammar and punctuation, favourite parts and suggestions. It is an in depth review usually 1,500 + characters. May be less for flash fiction and poetry. Spelling, grammar and punctuation are weaknesses. I am uncomfortable reviewing poetry. I am taking a poetry workshop and hopefully as a result I will be much more comfortable reviewing poetry then.
I'm good at...
As an avid reader I know what I love. My strengths include looking for consistency of; plot, characters, setting and smooth flowing dialogue.
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Detective, Crime, Drama, Historical Fiction, Well Done Erotica, Romance, Comedy, Inspirational, Memoir and Biography.
Least Favorite Genres
Political, Poorly Done Erotica
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Flash Fiction, Novellas and Novels
I will not review...
Erotica containing: - no rape no pedophilia no bestiality, NO: blood, breath play or golden showers
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 ... Next
1
1
Review of Fire to Ashes  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Joy Author Icon in honour of her 14th WDC Anniversary. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* A gripping read from beginning to end, you captured the readers interest and held it through. My only wish, that there had been more to this story.

*Thumbsupl*Your main character is multidimensional and well written.

*Thumbsupl*The plot of this story is creative, interesting, and has a fun twist I didn't see coming. Well done.

*Thumbsupl*Grammar, punctuation and Spelling are excellent. You have a wonderful grasp of writing for your reader as well as yourself. No overly complex sentences, words or phrases, strong use of verbs, few instances of passive voice. All very well written. A pleasure to read.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


*Right* There is no indication that this was written for a contest or flash fiction and as such I would love to see this story expanded. You have the makings of a strong character here but the one component that is missing for me is a connection I can relate to with the main character. Perhaps a reason he is considering making this deal with the devil would help. I don't have like them to relate to them but I do need that connection.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


Joy your work is always a pleasure to read. You are a talented writer and I hope that you keep at it.

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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for joyag in honour of her 14th WDC Anniversary. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* I love a good family story that speaks to the heart. You did an amazing job capturing the complexity of adult relationships between daughters and their parents. No longer a child, not quite a peer especially young women who are in such a hurry to grow up and live life! Very nicely written.

*Thumbsupl* Your use of descriptive language, and maximizing the setting by making it truly a character in the story paints a vivid picture in the readers minds eye. It is like watching the movie slowly unfold as I read. A pleasure.

*Thumbsupl* You have a gift for creating characters that are true to life, multidimensional and that the average person can relate to. To do so in a story as short as this truly is a talent, well done my friend.

*Thumbsupl* The dialogue is well written, easily to follow, realistic with good flow. Reading it out loud is no different than listening to a conversation.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


*Right* There is nothing that I could suggest that would imrpove this story. Other than the usual greedy reader comment of wanting more of characters that we have developed a connection with. I would love to see where this story goes from here.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


Okay I have to know, have you been published? If not, why not? You are a talented writer, please don't stop writing and if you haven't already then get yourself out there in print my friend as the world is missing out if you don't!

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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Joy Author Icon's 14th WDC Anniversary. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* A light hearted comedy that is a refreshing change of pace. Your writing kept the story light, fun, silly at times and oh so realistic to family holiday gatherings. Love your sense of humour!

*Thumbsupl* A great family Thanksgiving story of family dysfunction at its best.

*Thumbsupl* Great characters, good fun and a cute reminder good things happen to those who aren't looking!

*Thumbsupl* Love that you had to write in the description that this is a fiction piece. A hazard of writing first person. I get that with stories written in third person so I can only imagine how many comments you received on this piece written in first person given its humour.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


I don't have any suggestions to improve upon this piece.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


Completing reviews today in honour of your 14th Anniversary has been a an absolute pleasure. I am sure it will take you some time to get through all of your spoils of the day and no doubt it will be overwhelming but I hope that you gain some wonderful insights into your writing as a result. I bet that the average person on WDC does not receive in a year the amount of reviews you will have been given today. So take a deep breath and go through them when you have time. No rush, no hurry. You are a talented writer and I truly hope that you have being published on your list of things to do because your stories need to be read by others not just by us here at WDC. Good Luck my friend and Happy Anniversary! *Heart*

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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of BREAD  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Joy Author Icon's 14th WDC Anniversary. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* You did an amazing job capturing the emotion in this story. I read with tears in my eyes, what little Esther endured. A story true for so many from this era. Knowing that while this a piece of fiction mirrors the lives of many it truly broke my heart reading. Connecting with your readers on such an emotional level shows just how strong a writer you are.

*Thumbsupl* Historical fiction is something you write with a passion that is different from other things I have read in your port. I truly hope you write more of it as you touch a reader's heart and write with such emotion it would be a shame not to share it with the world.

*Thumbsupl* Your characters are strong, easy to relate to, realistic, multidimensional and ones you come to love. That is by no means an easy task. Your character development skills are truly amazing.

*Thumbsupl* The themes of this story run deep. You did an amazing job tying them all together.

*Thumbsupl* You know you have done a great job when the story is so well written that the reader wonders if this is fiction or biographical in nature!

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


*Right* Write more historical fiction, you have a talent for it like nothing else I have read in your port and I love all of your stories so that is saying something!



*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


Keep honing your craft my friend, your name belongs on the spine of many books available in libraries and bookstores everywhere!

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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of Paintball Days  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for ~ IVELTAC ~ Author Icon's Birthday. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* A great story with a wonderful moral. Nicely done!

*Thumbsupl* Your characters were realistic and believable allowing the reader to relate to them easily. Well done!

*Thumbsupl* Your setting for the story was great, nice choice!

*Thumbsupl* Your pacing was well done, and you grabbed the readers interest and held it throughout.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


*Right* Look for instances where you have "told" and try to flush it out by showing the action rather than telling the reader about it. It also helps to lengthen your stories *Wink*

*Right* Consider changing some of the actual names of characters to pronouns (he, they)as there is a lot of repetition of names.

*Right* Typo: Check should be cheek.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


Again your passion is evident. This is the best story of the three I have reviewed for your birthday. Congratulations! Keep writing my friend I wouldn't be surprised to see your name on a novel one day if you keep working towards honing your craft! Keep up the good work.
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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Sum1's In Schaumburg Author Icon's 5th Anniversary.
Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* Once again you have a creative spin turning the ordinary into something worth taking a second look at.

*Thumbsupl* A change of perspective/opinion piece that changes everything, very nicely illustrated.

*Thumbsupl* You have a talent for editorials/satire, well done.

*Thumbsupl* Dialogue is realistic, smooth and very well written.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


*Right* If you were to remove the personal introduction and disclaimer you could have a wonderful editorial piece. If you chose to make it a short story, removing the initial personal information and leaving just the interview (with some of the information that was given in the personal info. paragraph added) could be a great satire piece. Regardless of your choice to edit this piece or not, you have done a great job on shining light on something that needs to be honestly looked at. Something is very wrong when we pay those who entertain us more than those who protect our very foundation, country, safety etc.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


Thank you for your service. Keep writing and sharing your thoughts with the world. They need to be heard.

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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Sum1's In Schaumburg Author Icon's 5th WDC Anniversary. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* What a wonderful heartwarming story. I am so pleased you chose to share this encounter with us. We see and hear so much in the news that is horrible we tend to forget that everyday people are doing selfless, random acts of kindness without desiring recognition.

*Thumbsupl* A true story, brought to life by your use of vivid descriptions and explanations.

*Thumbsupl* Thanks for sharing this story and allowing those of us who read it the pleasure of knowing that there are good people out there.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


*Right* My first suggestion I would make is to change this to autobiographical in description. OR
If you want to truly make it a short story. Take out all that you wrote to set the story up and write it from the first person perspective of the server that evening (pretending its not you) or even better writing the story 3rd person. So much potential here.

*Right* I also think that because you have gone the autobiographical route with this story that you have spent more time telling the reader as opposed to showing. I think this would make a great piece of short fiction if it were written as a short story or piece of flash fiction.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


You have a talent for writing. I hope that you continue to write your stories and share your experiences with the world. Keep up the great work.

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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of Irene  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Sum1's In Schaumburg Author Icon's 5th WDC Anniversary. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* I love your humanizing Katrina, Irene and the others and giving them traits that we can relate to. Very nicely written.

*Thumbsupl* Your characters are multidimensional, mysterious and bold. Your name choices initially made me wonder the connections to the hurricanes and then it became clear.

*Thumbsupl* Your use of dialogue enhanced the story, gave strength not to mention flowed well, and was realistic while adding believable side to your characters.

*Thumbsupl* Your use of descriptive language made for pleasurable reading and brought your characters to life.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


There is nothing that I could suggest that would add to this wonderful piece of flash fiction.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


You are a talented writer with a knack for telling a complete story in flash fiction. Well done. Keep writing and sharing your work!

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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of Just $29.95  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for of House (enter their House). Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* Another intriguing and creative story that is very well written.

*Thumbsupl* Your character development, writing of characters that people can relate is a real talent and one you can be proud of. You have a knack for beginning your stories with your characters doing something that just about any reader can relate to. Very nicely done.

*Thumbsupl* Your use of dialogue is fantastic. It moves the plot forward, clearly defines your characters and brings clarity to the situation at hand.

*Thumbsupl* Another piece of flash fiction that tells a complete story, has a definable beginning, middle and end. You manage to toss in twists nobody expects and you always end with a flourish. Well done.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


*Right* It strikes me as almost too formal that Rick's full name was used in the first paragraph to introduce us to him.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


Keep writing my friend, it is wonderful to read talented authors here on WDC although I would love to find your stories in a bookstore and library! Follow your passion.

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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
Review of Nightmare  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Amalie Cantor - We Got This! Author Icon's 2nd WDC Anniversary! Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* I LOVE this story! What a creative and unique piece. So very well written.

*Thumbsupl* I love how you have taken our good old human emotions and turned them into characters, characters we can all relate to! Taking what occurs in our minds, the inner turmoil and battles we have with ourselves on a regular basis and having the characters play it all out is not only creative but truly a different way of looking at ourselves. I am truly in awe of this piece. Don't suppose you have looked at getting this one published? Seriously, consider entering this piece somewhere as it belongs where the world can read it not just WDC!

*Thumbsupl* A truly unique setting and characters make this a story to remember!

*Thumbsupl* You grabbed my attention from the first sentence and held it through to the end. Your descriptive language painted a picture and I eagerly watched this story unfold no different than a short skit or movie.

*Thumbsupl* An entertaining read, thought provoking and a new way of looking at things. Very well written and a work you should be proud of!

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


*Right* "...find Shame in tandem or waste their energies on one another." "find" I believe should be fight.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


Did I mention I LOVE this story. Truly a job very well done! Keep writing my friend, we will have you on our bookshelves sooner than later I just know it.

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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
Review of A Choice  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Amalie Cantor - We Got This! Author Icon. Happy 2nd WDC Anniversary! Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* This is the companion piece to That The Blind Might See, and I am so glad that I found it. It was interesting to read the same story from a different POV character. Once again you have written a complete story within the confines of flash fiction. Not an easy task to accomplish but one you seem to have mastered with ease.

*Thumbsupl*I love your use of descriptive language. It truly allows the reader to picture everything they read in their mind, turning the experience into a mini movie clip. Very nicely done.

*Thumbsupl*Your strong female characters are very appreciated in a world where there are too few strong female leads. Here you have two such characters. I know every flash fiction authors inward groan...you should turn this into a longer piece...lol What can I say the characters are wonderful and they are on a journey that you just know is filled with adventure.

*Thumbsupl*Your use of setting and bringing it to life through Skie as she sees it truly for the first time is wonderfully done.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


Once again there are no suggestions that I could offer to enhance this piece. Wonderfully written my friend.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


Keep writing, entertaining and taking your readers on wonderful adventures!

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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Amalie Cantor - We Got This! Author Icon 2nd WDC Anniversary. Happy Anniversary my dear friend. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* Your ability to grab your readers attention with the first sentence and hold it to the very last is a gift. Your writing strong and fluid captures your reader never letting go, your pacing of this piece is brilliant.

*Thumbsupl* Who says you can't tell a complete story in flash fiction! A great job in not leaving your reader hanging with more questions than answers as is so common with flash fiction. Very nicely done.

*Thumbsupl* Your main character Binda is a wonderfully strong female lead, something we just don't see enough of in books or movies. Keep writing them my friend you have a talent for them.

*Thumbsupl* Your use of descriptive language paints such a vivid picture for your readers. It is like watching a movie unfold in your minds eye. Keep up the great work!

*Thumbsupl* As always grammar and punctuation are not an issue.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


There is nothing I could suggest that would improve upon this piece. Very well written.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


You have a fan here, keep writing my friend. I look forward to seeing your name on the shelves of my local bookstore one day in the not too distant future!
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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
Review of All Hallows Eve  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for of House (enter their House). Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* The title is great for grabbing the readers attention. We know that wonderful and supernatural things happen on All Hallows Eve and so the anticipation begins with the title. Great choice.

*Thumbsupl* Grammar & Punctuation: There are no issues, this was a smooth easy read as far as punctuation goes. There were no instances of passive voice, over use of adverbs etc. Nicely done.

*Thumbsupl* You use wonderfully descriptive language that paints vivid pictures for the reader.

*Thumbsupl* A great story premise with much potential.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


*Right* You might want to consider avoiding beginning stories off with a long paragraph of pure description. This is your opportunity to capture the readers interest and make them want to read on.

*Right* Third paragraph The young woman run ... should be ran. The last two sentences of this paragraph are confusing. Other than acknowledging the Jessica (the baby I believe)this sentence really adds no value to the story and confuses the matter of talking to Jessica and then an unnamed preschooler almost in the same breath. Same as the next paragraph which is only one sentence I don't understand why she is holding out her arms nor her last statement of "Though surely, you are a feast to my eyes."

*Right* Dialogue: The dialogue is confusing and I am unable to tell who is speaking and who they are speaking too. It is a stream of questions but no answers. When there is finally a reply the young woman says "Why I have to study hours in a day" this is an incomplete sentence. In general the dialogue is choppy and does not flow very well. You may want to try reading your stories out loud, it is much easier to catch dialogue that does not flow well this way.

*Right* It would be helpful to provide character names (to make it less confusing) and to indicate they are a family and not a group of strangers. Given the supernatural content it would be nice to know which woman was Holly in the above story. Could everyone see her or just her mother?

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


Very creative with a great story premise, with some editing and clarification it could be a great supernatural story. Keep writing!

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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
Review of Flawed  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for katmeg123 Author Icon. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* A nicely written piece with great potential.

*Thumbsupl* Simon is a well written strong character. He is realistically portrayed and easy to relate to. You have done a great job in creating a character that a reader can truly root for. He is so real, you want to reach out and let him know that everything will be okay. That is a credit to your writing! Keep up the good work.

*Thumbsupl* A good choice of title for your story. It intrigues and engages the reader who want to know who or what is flawed and in what way. So already just from the title you have grabbed the readers attention.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


*Right* Show don't tell. It is one of the hardest things to do as a writer and one of the hardest things to understand how to fix. Essentially rather than stating that someone is sad, you would show them crying, struggling to hide their tears from others allowing the reader to determine this action means they are sad. This shows the reader through actions rather than the short cut of telling and involves the reader in the story. It will lengthen your writing and provide opportunities for stronger writing.

*Right* This is a very emotional piece and as such you have too much story for something so short. The premise is strong and I think with some work on expanding what you have "told" the reader by showing (perhaps through flashbacks, memories, and even in conversation with another character) would provide the reader with a memorable experience and leave them satisfied. The ending was too rushed, and a next day funeral is unrealistic considering the type of death they would autopsy at a minimum. I would also be sure to give an idea of how old the boy is. What is he running from at the end, afraid to be put into foster care or worse sent to live with his dad? Is he old enough to live on his own? What are his struggles? You touch on them a little with being called names, being highly critical of himself and you sense that he is a sad young man due to his mothers circumstances but the ending is pretty desperate. It certainly isn't anything I saw coming! For that type of response to be realistic I think it is important to show his frame of mind via his actions/reactions to things happening, making it clear that he struggles with depression, is the victim of bullying etc.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments


If you have any questions or if you would like me to review again after revision I would be pleased to do so. Just send me off an e-mail and I would be glad to help.

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May your House fair well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
15
15
Review of THE DATING GAME  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for the scribe Author Icon. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What I Liked


*Thumbsupl* The title does double duty setting the stage for the story while telling a potential reader if this story is for them. Nice choice.

*Thumbsupl* What a great topic for a short story. There are just tons of gems waiting to be mined on this topic.

*Thumbsupl* Well written and paced.

*Thumbsupl* The main character is realistic and easy to relate to which is so very important for capturing your readers interest which you did with ease.


*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions


*Right* The main character, Gill is well written, three dimensional and realistic. The supporting characters provide context and while one dimensional they do their job nicely. Providing a look into the mother/adult daughter relationship which tells us more about her personal character and adds more depth giving readers more to relate to.

*Right* The setting was perfect for a first time meeting. It provided opportunities for tension as Gill waited anxiously for her first date. Watching and waiting as possibilities entered the cafe.

*Right* Re-entering the dating world is truly a gold mine of material to be explored. What makes a story (short story or novel length doesn't matter) as opposed to the telling of an anecdote is conflict. Either internal or external but conflict is a necessary component of plot writing. My initial thoughts were that the conflict was missing completely. Upon re-reading it would be possible to use her internal thoughts about dating as internal conflict. However, as it currently stands it is weak but with some editing it could easily increased which would then hook the readers. They would want to keep reading to find out if all of her doubts, concerns, misgivings, dreams and desires come to fruition.

*Right* As an anecdote the ending is appropriate. For me, as short story the current ending is where the real story begins. This is what all the build up has come to. Is this going to be as bad as it looks, if so the opportunity for comedy is golden or maybe just maybe he turns out to be her prince charming. As it stands as a reader I am left hanging without a satisfying ending. Having said that, it is easily fixed and this story has the potential to not only be great but holds appeal to a wide audience as so many can relate to its topic.

I do hope that this review is taken in the spirit it was given and that you found these last two points to not be critical but helpful in making your writing the best it can be. Wishing you all the best with your future writing.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments



May your House fair well!


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16
16
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi JACE Author Icon,

My name is Rhonda and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and the Genre Auction where you placed the winning bid on a package I donated. This review will provide you with my personal thoughts on "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Thank-you so much for sharing your work with me today.


Overall Impression: A wonderful period piece that is very well written with an air of authenticity of time and place. This short story is a great example of character driven stories that connect with the reader on an emotional level.

Characters:

Joshua Fitch is the 17 year old protagonist. We learn much about this young man from is journal entries, his thoughts, feelings and actions. He is full of idealism, passion, impulsivity and the thoughts/feelings of knowing more than his parents that come hand in hand with young men coming of age. This character is multidimensional and we learn of many different sides of this young man throughout the story. Given his caring nature and desire for justice he easily connects with the reader and we want to see him succeed.

James Fitch is Joshua's stern father. James fears for his boys and does his best to teach them patience, and loyalty to their family which should always be their first priority. We know little about this man other than Joshua feels he is blind and not ready for the fight that was surly within their future.

Eliza Fitch is Joshua's mother and confidant. We know little of this character other than an interaction between son and mother that shows her reminding Joshua that there is more to things than meets the eye and that he needed to cut his father some slack, he was not as blind as he feared. Joshua clearly has a close connection to his mother which shows in his willingness to confide his thoughts and feelings to her.

Joshua's parents are one dimensional secondary characters who are there simply to use as a reference point. These characters help the reader to understand in a broader sense what the current situation is and to add perspective to Joshua's youthful one. They are well written and serve their purpose well.

Dialogue:The dialogue is used sparingly in this story, but used well for their purposes. When the dialogue is sparse it highlights the importance of what is said. The dialogue is realistic, natural and each character has a unique voice. Nicely done.

Setting: This story takes place in the past and the use of Old English phrasing and syntax adds to the authenticity of the era. I can't see this story working as well in any other setting or time period. Mood and tone are little talked about components of setting and they are used so well in this story to enhances all other story elements.

Plot: The plot of this story is well defined. We have the protagonists strong want/need/desire, we have the obstacle of the British Troops, and the fear of what their presence means and the toll it takes on the community. We have a decision finally made to conclude with.

The author one again has come up with a truly great premise that could be used for a much longer work such as a novel. This could in turn become a prologue to introduce the readers to Joshua's journey once he acts upon his decision.

Grammar/Punctuation: No errors jumped out at me but as you are aware by this point it is not a strength although something I continue to work on.

Favourite Part: My favourite part of this story is when Joshua understanding his parents stand on things, and that he could not gain their permission to join The Sons of Liberty but feeling so strongly of his convictions he decides to act in a behind the scenes way to support The Sons of Liberty.

Suggestions:I have no suggestions to improve upon this story. Other than my desire to not say good bye to the characters and see this as the beginning of a longer piece of work.

Reminder: If at anytime you would like me to provide a second review, after changes have been made, I would be pleased to do so. For me, the purpose of a review is to assist a writer in becoming a stronger writer by including both strengths and weaknesses.

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17
17
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi JACE Author Icon,

My name is Rhonda and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and the Genre Auction for which you had the winning bid. This review will provide you with my personal thoughts on "The Xeric Conspiracy" Open in new Window.. Thank-you so much for sharing your work with me today.

Overall Impression: What a wonderful and thought provoking story. It reflects both the themes and resulting conflicts of man vs. man and man vs. nature as they are today quite accurately. A realistic story that I can see coming to fruition in the not so distant future as it did in this story if we don't get our acts together with regards to the environment. I love the explanation that you gave for the title and how you managed to work it into the story itself. This as with all of your work is a pure pleasure to read.

Characters: The story is of an unnamed man whose story is told through his thoughts, dreams, and preparations for his final act of civil disobedience. The character is well rounded and his wanting to save the environment at the cost of his relationship with his wife, friends and family, this makes him a character that many reader will relate to and feel bad for. We love a good underdog and the author has provided us with a hero to root for. He is a multidimensional character that the reader quickly becomes emotionally attached to which says much about the authors abilities as a writer to accomplish this in only 810 words.

Dialogue:There is no dialogue in this story.

Setting: The story takes place in the future of 2043 and is done so in a realistic manner. I cannot picture this story working in any other setting so congratulations on ensuring this story took place in the best day/time for it to be realistic. I think in any other time period or place and it would not have worked as well.

Plot: This story is a smooth read and written in a realistic manner. The plot is well written with a strong desire to save the environment, the obstacle of the government forbidding his actions and the climax/resolution is that the protagonist will pay the ultimate price for his final act of defiance. Given the limitations of length and requirements for words that must be used, the author met all components expected with a strong plot and theme did so with the creativity we have come to expect from his works. Referencing the History Channels show on what happens when nature takes over added to the readers ability to visualize the scene before him, assuming they were familiar with the show.

Grammar/Punctuation: while not a current strength if I notice errors I will point out.

Favourite Part:My favourite part of this story was the main characters declaration of his not wanting to be a anarchist or revolutionary but that his beliefs could not be abandoned making him the reluctant hero. There is a draw to a reluctant hero, someone who HAS to stick to his beliefs regardless of the situation he may find himself in. Doing the right thing is rarely the easy thing as this hero quickly learns. He pays a high price across the board for his act of defiance.

Suggestions: It would have been nice to have a name for this character and perhaps an idea of his physical form in order for the reader to visually picture him. While the reader loves the autonomy of using their own imaginations it is often helpful to have even a little spark of information for us to build upon when picturing this character in our minds eye.

I would have loved for this story to have been a much longer piece of work and you quite possibly have a novel or at a minimum novella length story here. I think the story would be enhanced greatly by getting to know the protagonist and the family and friends that he ultimately loses much better. Showing those relationships in depth along with living examples of the attitude of the day towards anti-nature sentiment and the quest for man made perfection at any cost would add considerably to this story. This would be a great outline for something much bigger should you ever chose to expand upon it. I think that stories such as this are timely as they tackle real life issues and show people the possible extremes and price we will all ultimately pay for our neglect.

As this was written for a WDC Contest I have to note that you did an exceptional job including all of the required words and keeping such a "big" story within the word limit that was imposed. Well done. You never cease to amaze me with your writing. Thanks again for sharing your stories with me.

Reminder: If at anytime you would like me to provide a second review, after changes have been made, I would be pleased to do so. For me, the purpose of a review is to assist a writer in becoming a stronger writer by including both strengths and weaknesses.

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18
18
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Joy,

Thank you so much for sharing your blog with me today. Your entries are well thought out, and written with heart. This blog focus' on prompts given from Blog City which is a wonderful blogging community within the writing.com community. Your entries tell us so much about you as a person and as such, I have to say you are a person I have come to respect through out my time here on writing.com. Keep writing, sharing your thoughts, feelings, heart and soul. Thank you for all you do and all you are. *Heart*

With Appreciation,
Rhonda
19
19
Review of Friend  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Ken,

As you know poetry reviewing is so very new to me but this poem moved me to get past my comfort zone and write one anyway. Thank-you so much for sharing this directly with me, it means so very much.

*Starb*GENERAL: Ken, this poem touched my heart and with all sincerity brought a tear to my eye. You have taken the thoughts from my heart and soul and put them as words on a page. A beautiful testament to true friendship, and I am so very honoured to call you a dear friend.

*Starb* CONVENTION: Your use of rhyme is naturally entwined into the poem which flows beautifully, and only when you specifically look back for rhyme do you even notice it. This poem conveys a clear and heartfelt message. This keeps the reader enthralled in your words, no hidden meanings or themes. The beauty is in it's truth and simplicity. The more times I read it the more I fall in love with it.

*Starb*FAVOURITE LINES: I truly love each and every line and coming up with a favourite is next to impossible but I am all about possibilities. When forced to choose the following stanza paints a vivid picture and the pain is palpable when that kind of despair grabs hold. The reassurance that our friends are here for us, is the tiny speck of hope that keeps the darkness from totally consuming us and your choice of words brings that picture and message home.

"And though in moments of my own despair
I feel alone, abandoned by all hope,
your quiet presence reassures you’re there.
You offer me your strength to help me cope."

*Starb*FINAL NOTE: End on an encouraging note. Tell the author that you appreciated his or her poem. If you didn't appreciate it at all ... hush. *Smile* Sometimes you have to review a poem through necessity, but you may not like it. Try to keep an open mind and look for positive aspects, clever use of convention, or an angle. Thank the author for sharing his or her work and wish them well.


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20
20
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Audra,

What a wonderful and refreshing blog. You have written without censoring yourself. You tell it how it is and years from now when you go back and read your entries you will feel in the moment and remember vividly all that contributed to each particular post. I love the humour that you infuse your blog with it makes your entries real and and bubbling over with life.

Keep blogging!


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21
21
Review of Remembrance  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon Author Icon,

My name is Rhonda and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. . This review will provide you with my personal thoughts on "Remembrance" Open in new Window. which you asked me to review. Thank-you so much for sharing your work with me today.


Overall Impression: Your opening line was just beautiful. We are told by the experts not to start a story with weather but I don't think they had this beautiful bit if prose in mind when they said it. You are a wonderfully creative writer who paints pictures as stunning as an artist who puts brush to canvas.

Characters: Frances/grandmother, is Forrest's grandmother who has passed away which is what the plot of the story is entered around. We learn she was a loyal friend and a woman with at least one secret.

Forrest: is a compelling character who clearly adored his grandmother. He is the only grandson and benefactor of Frances' estate. He is a man who remains curious about his grandmother's long held secret, the locked bedroom from his childhood. Forrest is multidimensional and you find yourself right along side him as he learns what his grandmothers secret is.

Father Tom: Is the priest that presides over Frances' Funeral Service.

Jim Sloyer: Frances' attorney, who notifies Forrest at the funeral that he is the sole benefactor of his grandmother's estate.

Dialogue: The dialogue is used sparingly and does a great job of moving the story forward. It is realistic and well paced. I was surprised that there was no indication of the characters being in the south where you expect a certain dialect or that famous southern drawl. I remember that twang/drawl when travelling through the southern states including Georgia while on holiday.

Setting: the story takes place between the cometary and Frances home. You did an excellent job of sneaking in that she is a proud southern gal and lives in Georgia.

Plot: I was not expecting the twist/mystery that came towards the end. The plot was well done, and the three parts clearly defined. The only piece that left me lacking was the ending. You were just over half of the allowed word count for the contest. It would have been nice if the travel back in time lasted longer or if Forrest set out to unearth the mystery he had found himself apart of. At the same time I can understand why you chose to end the story where you did. Just being a greedy reader, wanting more..lol

Grammar/Punctuation: flawless as always.

Favourite Part:. "The clouds, pregnant with moisture, held back their birthing ritual leaving only their sullen greyness to bear witness". The prose of this opening line is just breathtaking. It set the tone for the remainder if the piece beautifully.

My next favourite part was Forrest coming across his namesakes belongings. It sounds as though this is new information to him which heightens the readers curiosity to match that of Forrest's. Suddenly we are just as invested in the story as the main character is.

My last favourite part was the way you handled the transition of time.

Suggestions: paragraph beginning with "they shook hands.." Beginning of the second sentence has a broken ml tag, you have a ( rather than a { *Wink*
Sixth paragraph from the end second sentence should end in years.

Reminder: If at anytime you would like me to provide a second review, after changes have been made, I would be pleased to do so. For me, the purpose of a review is to assist a writer in becoming a stronger writer by including both strengths and weaknesses.

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22
22
Review of The Elevator  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi Stuart Author Icon,

My name is Rhonda and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window. [E] and "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. . This review will provide you with my personal thoughts on "The Elevator" Open in new Window. which I found in request a review. Thank-you so much for sharing your work with me today.


Overall Impression:A great beginning to a story that fuels the readers imagination. This would make for a great Interactive Story allowing each reader to use their imaginations and talents to spark the next reader to do the same. Very well done.

Characters: This story written in third person introduces: Mike Dewar, Kate Sanford, Shane Gilchrist, and Ben Wishaw. We know only what role each individual plays in this expedition. Once again we are told only enough to ignite our imaginations.

Dialogue:The only dialogue occurs at the end of the story when confirmation is required from each individual that they are willing to take the plunge into the dark and unknown world beneath them knowing there is no way out once they commit. I can't help but to feel that there should have been more dialogue at this point given what they were about to do.

Setting: The setting is the story, it is almost like the ultimate main character in a sense. We know more about the setting than we know about anything else. It is the story,

Plot: There is no plot really just the beginnings of a story that has been left to the reader to determine on their own. Again, I think this would make a wonderful interactive story.

Grammar/Punctuation:Although it is not a strength of mine, I did not see any errors.

Favourite Part:My favourite part was "Waiting to realise the object of those ancient architects, waiting for the people who would be sufficiently dauntless, daring, adventurous or even stark staring crazy enough to become its first and only passengers. Now it seemed those people had arrived, all with a common goal and driven by an insatiable curiosity; why had it been built? Why was it so deep? What were the people who devised it hoping (expecting) to find at the bottom? " which does a wonderful job at gripping the readers imagination, which was the goal of you writing this piece.

Suggestions:I understand the goal of the piece, but I do think it would be the beginning of either a great story or an interactive. I hope that you choose to do something with it as opposed to leaving it the way it is. Thanks for sharing such a unique piece with me.

Reminder: If at anytime you would like me to provide a second review, after changes have been made, I would be pleased to do so. For me, the purpose of a review is to assist a writer in becoming a stronger writer by including both strengths and weaknesses.

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23
23
Review of Silent Too Long  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hi Maggie McCullough Author Icon,

My name is Rhonda and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window. [E] and "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. . This review will provide you with my personal thoughts on "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. which I found via random reviews. Thank-you so much for sharing your work with me today.


Overall Impression: A powerful flash fiction entry. You told a complete story in 300 words and better yet you made something very difficult to do look easy. You even managed to evoke a ton of emotion into such a short piece. This is a very well written flash fiction entry, congratulations.

Characters: Shanna is a battered woman who has been abused no no doubt for much too long, to have reached the point that she did. This story takes place in the midst of one of those beatings. She the typical victim of abuse kept silent for far, far too long. You have painted a vivid picture of Shanna so that the reader can see her in their minds eye. She finds the courage somewhere and stands up for herself, she acted in self defense for she can be silent no more.

Alex:Is an abuse partner who has clearly been abusive to Shanna for a very long time for her to react the way she did. We don't know much about Alex other than he has all but killed her in this recent attack.

Dialogue:The dialogue used is minimal. However, it shows; the terror, the rage, the moment where Shanna decides to be a victim no more. The dialogue was used very effectively and realistically. Well done.

Setting: Being a flash fiction entry there is little do to do with setting other than this portion of the attack takes place in the washroom. You can assume that this type of abuse would not happen anywhere but within their own home. Having her hide the gun in the washroom, and having him break down the door is a great use of setting being a pivotal role in this story.

Plot: An abused woman who has had enough and fights back with lethal force. You managed to tell a complete story beginning, middle and end with great emotion in only 300 words, not an easy task. Very well done indeed.

Grammar/Punctuation: Flawless

Favourite Part:"She hardly recognized the battered woman staring back at her but took pride in the determination reflected in her eyes" which is so very well written and holds so much emotion in one sentence. Very powerful.

Suggestions: There are no suggestions to make this piece better than it already is. Of course you hear frequently with many well written flash fiction entries it would make a great short story or a novel should you ever choose to expand the piece.

Reminder: If at anytime you would like me to provide a second review, after changes have been made, I would be pleased to do so. For me, the purpose of a review is to assist a writer in becoming a stronger writer by including both strengths and weaknesses.

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24
24
Review of Going Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hi Ken,

It's only me *Pthb* I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window. [E] and "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. . This review will provide you with my personal thoughts on "Going Home" Open in new Window. as a thank you for my wonderful review. I love the opportunity to review more of your wonderful stories, thanks for sharing them with me.

Overall Impression: I love this story about a man on a journey back home to where he lived as a child/teenager with his family. As always your stories are thought provoking and this one in particular has left me pondering mortality and what that journey would like like for me. A story that keeps you thinking and feeling long after you have finished reading is truly a gift. Thank-you.

Characters: This character driven story is narrated by the main character, Ralf. This multidimensional character is no longer a character but a man who is so well written that his personality jumps off the page. We get the opportunity to see the Ralf as others see him, but we also get to peek inside at his thoughts and feelings. His quirky habit of naming and talking to his gps, his ability to laugh at himself and life circumstances, and his journey to bring his life full circle combined have created something special.

The secondary characters: Dr. Seymour, Billy and Erica all appear at a time where the information they provide is needed to advance the story and/or to learn more about Ralph. Their appearances are brief but they serve their purpose well.


Dialogue: The dialogue in this short story is realistic, well done and sets the tone for this story. The dialogue is used sparingly to relay information to the reader which explains the direction of Ralph's thoughts, feelings and the reason for his journey.

Setting: The setting woven into this story and is written so uniquely that in some ways it too is a character. You use the descriptions to paint a vivid picture to the reader in just the right balance so that we can run with our imaginations at the same time.

Plot: The plot for this story is all too realistic. The relaxed tone and the unfloding of events keep this story moving at a slower pace which is so very appropriate given the subject of the story. I am not sure about the paranormal event at the end. When you described this story to me you had mentioned it being paranormal. The event at the end does not come across as paranormal but perhaps because I have assumed is a brain tumour (usually they are the inoperable ones)it appeared to me that he was having a hallucination of sorts.

Grammar/Punctuation:Flawless as always *Bigsmile*

Favourite Part:My favourite parts are too many to mention so I shall categorize them instead: I love Ralf's sense of humour and his way of looking at life. I love that you showed his internal self talk, it gave him credability and made him a person rather than a character. The quirkiness of naming and talking to his GPS is another component that made him so realistic. I truly love this story!

Suggestions: The only thing that I can think of to suggest is the following two minor items which are totally subjective and just a matter of preference: I really struggled with the street name "Iwathreefourty" which I had to stop and re-read in order to get the pronunciation right, so you may want to consider something that doesn't pull the reader out of the story the way this did even if it is an actual street name. The second is the paranormal event which I mentioned in plot. If this is indeed meant to be a paranormal experience then I think you need to either prepare the reader with him thinking about other paranormal experiences, or that he believes in them or something so that when we get to this part of the story it seems realistic. Right now it kind of comes out of left field. Perhaps punch it up so that there is no question as to what it is. The second option of course is to make it look like (what I thought it was from the beginning), a hallucination and forget about the paranormal component. The last and most likely option is to leave it alone, you know what your doing and no where in the story description does it say paranormal it was just what you said in your e-mail to me.*Wink* As always a pleasure to read your work.

Reminder: If at anytime you would like me to provide a second review, after changes have been made, I would be pleased to do so. For me, the purpose of a review is to assist a writer in becoming a stronger writer by including both strengths and weaknesses.

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25
25
Review by Rhonda Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
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Hi D-babii Author Icon,

Welcome to Writing.com! While the site can be a little confusing when you first sign up, you will quickly find yourself at home in one of the best on-line communities out there.
If you have any questions please don't hesitate to send me an e-mail and I will help you out as best I can.

My name is Rhonda and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window. [E] and "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. . This review will provide you with my personal thoughts on "Chapter 1: Our Notebook Love Story " Open in new Window. which I found via random reviews. Thank-you so much for sharing your work with me today.

Overall Impression: Congratulations on writing a story that tackles social issues that are relevant to today's society. This story has the potential to be a heart warming story of two young women falling in love. There are not enough stories about young gay/lesbian couples so the more stories that portray these types of healthy relationships the more mainstream they will become. As always with Romance stories they will have to over come the obstacles (in this case Irene is already in a relationship). They build a friendship, perhaps Irene cannot just leave her partner and it looks like they will never be together but in the end love prevails and the two become not only friends but lovers too. I look forward to reading how this turns out!

Characters:

The story is written in first person and we never learn the name of the point of view character (POV). Other than the pov character is house sitting for her grandmother while she is out of town with her mom. She is not working and is really quite board. She enjoys facebook as a way to pass time.

Sister of POV: We learn little about her sister or the type of relationship that they have. The sisters character is basically being used to introduce the potential love interest to the main character.

Irene: Is an acquaintance of the main characters sister. She too is a lesbian but in an unsatisfying relationship. She agrees to meet our main character so that they can continue to get to know one another. Really all we know about this character is that the main character finds her attractive.

Dialogue:There is very little dialogue between the characters at this point. Once the main character and Irene meet there will be an opportunity to incorporate more dialogue into the story.

Setting: The story takes place in the main characters car and grandmothers house. Adding some descriptors of the setting helps the reader to create a picture of what it is you are telling them.

Plot: At this is going to be a longer short story or possibly a novel or novella given the chapter headings. In the first two parts there is no clear plot outlined. At this point all we know for sure is that we are following the life of the main character and she has been introduced to a friend that she wants to get to know better. The reader does not know if the main character is in a relationship or looking for one but the last line makes it clear that at a minimum she is physically attracted to her and has a self proclaimed crush.

Grammar/Punctuation: Exclamation marks are used sparingly in short stories and novels. The general rule of thumb is to use them once every 2-3 chapters and only ever use one.

"I had the extra money, so what the hell?" there should not be a question mark at the send of this sentence. The following sentence "A girl can never have enough shoes, right?" should be a statement as you are not having a conversation with the reader so you would remove the word right and punctuate with a period.

Your tense is not consistent. "It was 2:00" - was means in the past but you are talking about the present so it should be "It is 2:00" Given that people do not usually speak so formally the proper way to write that sentence is "It's 2:00" as people usually speak and think with contractions.


Suggestions: There is so much information that can be shared and I don't want to overwhelm you with your first review. So lets focus on two things. The first is showing vs. telling. Your story is almost all telling the reader what you want them to know rather than showing them. Example "Sitting there staring at the message my sister just sent me, I got even more interested"

This is a great way to get your characters name out for the reader by having her sister address a message to her. For this purpose any name will do.
Suggested revision:

"Sarah, I met the most amazing woman last weekend when we were at Craig and Lisa's party. Her name is Irene and she is beautiful inside and out and just perfect for you. Before you ask, yes she is a lesbian." said Cara. As I reread Cara's message my heart began to beat a little faster, butterflies in my tummy and I was dying to know more about this beautiful woman.

"Cara, do you happen to have a picture of Irene from that party?" :Sure do, check your inbox".

So something along these lines is showing the reader not telling them. Also of note, Creating a new paragraph every time here is a new speaker is also standard.

Another key point in writing short stories/novels is not to take the reader through the entire day of the character. Only write about things that are important to the plot, anything that moves the story forward.

example: Paragraphs 2,3 and 4 really just describe how bored she is as she has nothing to do. What a boring day, it is 2:00 and I still have found nothing that holds my interest. Rather than wasting time watching tv I decided to go shoe shopping, after all a gal can never have too many shoes.



Reminder: If at anytime you would like me to provide a second review, after changes have been made, I would be pleased to do so. For me, the purpose of a review is to assist a writer in becoming a stronger writer by including both strengths and weaknesses.

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