Wow. This is a great scene, the way you have described the sceen makes it feel real the only thing, is that when you are freezing. You skin grows warm as the cold seeps into your bones. Before death. Your appendages feel this way as the nerve centers shut down. Your skin is red from the cold and the blood loss. It finally becomes black from blood loss.
I think this may help in your description of the cold seeping into his body. The cold makes the body numb from the cold. You are not frozen as you would think. I was on a military base, from a posting from the martime provinces to this base. When we arrived it was forty below.
It was a dry cold so you do not feel the cold as you would in the martime province. I took off my jacket, mits and hat put them in my school bag as I saw teenages standing there dressed in jean jackets smoking at the curb, I thought id they could do this so could I. I learned different on that day.
My nerve centers do not recognize the cold thanks to that
This is good. But you have us awaiting their attack on the darklings and reapers who have fallen into their reign. You have been able to draw us into your realm. The way that you have described the races of the people in the community is good, Nina was also a noble, but she is barren. So, she has to be disowned from her family.
WAlyon loves her and has said this to her at the MC's urging. She accepted his desire to do this. She tells him that she is upset at his doing this. The group is a fearful of what their doing this. The MC has not sprang the question of what his fear is. The fourth triangle is doing this.
This is great. The way, that you have them running for their lives. They have beat the darkling in the other chapter and the end result that they know one more of them is there. The girl who he was sent there as a friend, is caught by them as they open the door.
the confusion that they are feeling is real. The student feels that their has to be a way
to find the enemy whom he feels are with in the city where they are being trained. The fear that they are feeling has to be recognized by the others. The danger that they have been in is realized, The student believes the group of reapers he knows are good friends are possibly the fourth triangle.
They are concerned, the next two chapters should be goos.
This was good. I enjoy your humor. The way that he and his mistress are behaving when they enter the finders work place. His sugestion that she should dress him was cute. The way that they have behaved as they awlk the streets in the town in search of the darklings is good.
The attack on them both is good, they have made out the darklings have human friends in the community. They have to kill the humans as well. The humans went them dead as well. It seems that the two of them are known before they even arrive. Someone wants to remain a secret has been killing the people who know things off in advance to have these two know these facts.
This was fanastic, you have been able to allow the reader to understand your plight, The squirrel is trying to tell you he should not be missed with. The way that the squirrel behaved may be able to allow his action toward you.
If you try to forget about the squirrel who has been making his nest in your yard. The way that you have been able to walk away from the squirrel. There are pronlems are that there are probably has more squirrels. They have 20 in a litter, they can get pregnant every other month. So, you will find that they are numerous and will do whatever they want to do to protect themselves.
hi,
Me again, this story is accurate. It is able to convey thereader to have a good deal of knowledge that you supplied to the reader. I found it to be of interest, that way that you have brought thid to our attention is unique, It feels as if the reader is there in his skin as they read the story. It maybe better if you describe to us perhaps a physical description of and perhaps his family to carry on his name.
This is an interesting screen play. they want to use a time machine, that they have built but they don't know how they could do this again. They have been trapped here. They are frightened by their arrival where they have gone. The tale is good it illustrates the danger of using one of these machines.
They are turned over to the King when they are caught in the alley where they are sleeping. The story has a lot going for it. But I think the language that they spoke 500 years ago would be different then the tongue they currently speak. I don't think I could pull off speaking to someone from there using our current dialect and tongue.
This is good. You have given us a hint of what was to come. The death of the mogul as he was listening to jazz music. Someone slipped into his house, holding a handgun. He did not hear the door open. Nor did he see the gun's barrel as it protruded into the room he was in.
The assassin moved with ease into the house, the jazz drowded out the sound of the bolt slippong loose from his door to allow his or her access to the room. I liked the way you have begun the story for us to read. our interest is hieghtened by the details that he did not like doing what his attorney should be doing instead of himself.
The way you have discribed him is good, We can see what the man was interested in, The way that you have described his behavior is able to draw us toward the character's that has been killed.
This is some story. You are able to draw us into the story. I feel that this story is great, he is chasing a horse theif. Whom he finds is a beautiful woman, each of us sees a woman who is beautiful is different for each of us. A write should allow us to see what he is seeing.
You are very good, at writing. i felt as if I was drawn into the story. I felt as if I was there with the man who wants to stake out his land. He falls in love with the theif. They go to the community where he met some people who are cattle farmers, they are ill at ease with him. The sheriff tells him to watch his step with them
This is good, you have been able to allow the reader to understand your delimna that you are facing. The challenge is to think about how to allow the reader to understand these details you are plagued with the problem laying before you. What to say, to allow the teacher to understand what you have been trying to say to the teacher, You find that you are fprtunate that you did as the teacher wanted you to create for your work.
This is able to convey to us the problem that you are facing, maybe you should have started with what the teacher was asking you to do, before you started the story. It was good however.
You have brought to us the fear that you are facing that morning, Have us feel the fear that you were feeling toward the task before you.
That was good. Your trying to sleep on the top bunk, that's where I slept too. You hear sounds below you. You awaken. Your half asleep, but you hear sounds below you. I did too it was my little brother there.
In your case, you did not know. You had a suspicion that it was your pet cat. Who slipped in while you slept by sneaking past your mother or father to get there. You decided it must be that. You peered over to the bottom bunk to see a gargoyle. Not just any gargoyle. But Black Gargoyle. You know you had seen it. Somewhere before, but where you did not know.
You were frightened as you saw it move! MOVE! You needed help. You were in danger you screamed. Your parents made a bee line to your room, They turned on the lights. YOU SAW THE GARGOYLE. It is there. YOu scream in termoil at the frightening being's head there
looking at you on the bottom bunk. Your parents laugh as they lift it from the pillow toward you.
You are trembling on the bed. They laugh and show you that there is no body to this head.
Nothing to worry about. You're not so sure. You won't be until its gone. For good. You appreciate this being done to it. They set it a light.
This was very good. You have allowed us to feel her anguish. The despair that her mother and dad felt about her vanishing. They were frightened, they went in whatever direction they thought she had gone. They died wanting to find her.
The story illustrates the love of a parent or parents what they will be willing to do to find the child. The child has been sent to land ruled over by a ghost, the ghost has punished all he has taken with him. if they could please him, they lived. If not they died.
The girl returned to her world, after being away for 7 years. The village is no longer there. She is puzzled by this happening, she does not understand what has gone on while she was away.
She waited to find them, to be embraced in their arms to feel their love, and devotion. She has learned that they have died. Their tears and termoil was with her when she heard of it, she felt that she was not worthy of love. She returned to where she had been held
captive at to live there as she had when she was held there. She would rule over this world with care.
This is good. We don't know why the other man is holding a blade in his hands as he stares at the MC, What the man wanted to do with the blade, but I don't think he is ready to slice bread with the knife.
The MC seems to feel that this man wants to harm him or even better kill him. I am not sure if this is a western or not. The MC walks out of a saloon to see the man on the street, they are standing in the middle of a street. We do not know if there will be horses walking on the street or a car there.
If it is a western than his steadson would keep the rain out of his eyes. So, I think it is crime story. We do not know if he is a police officer or not. You have heightened our curosity we want to know more about the MC and what he is doing there.
Will there be others looking to even the score, with him. Why he has killed the man? Would it have been better to have maimed the character rather than kill him
Great work, this chapter had me guessing that he would not make it. Good work this had me worried about his making it out alive. He thought he would face the devote but instead he was facing a Reaper instead. The story is able to allow the reader to see what they have done. He was fortunate that he defeated the reapers he was facing. You have been able to allow the reader to draw a breath. Good work. Thank you for presently presenting this story.
This chapter is the best yet. You are able to draw us in to your realm. The fight scene was good, you are able to hold us in your hands, we feel the tension that he is feeling when he is sent into this room, he is alone. There is no one there to protect him. If he fails he will die.
You are able to convey to us the danger he is in. The other students faced devotes but he is facing the Reapers instead. He has won. If I may can I ask of you to take a look at my work "The queen had returned. "The queen has returned, hear ye" If you could thank you. I appreciate your doing this on my behalf/
This is good. He is worried about what Lady Tryn is saying about the council being dissolved, he is fearful of what the council will say. The army may be called in to protect the council of what the woman is trying to do.
He also senses that the Darklings are on their way to this building and room, The enemy has been busy doing this. He expects that they will been attacked by them. The enemy is coming toward them.
He choose to protect them. He began to turn over the table to hide behind.
This chapter is able to draw us in. To care for the main character allowing us to see his flaws. The four women are distracting enough for him, you are able to draw us in to have us see his attributes as they are. He is taking advantage of the situation with Nina, by using powers that are not hers yet so he can do this to her. He is able to adjust to the situation that is before him in combat.
The other students are able to so this, without a combat environment. He is honed for battle that is his primary goal with his own body's reaction to the problem before him. You have developed his remarkable skills, with a great deal of strength there. Well done. keep at it. You've a few spelling errors in this chapter.
It is a pleasure to read these chapters you have written here.
You have an interesting chapter here, the way that he was drawn into the area was good. His sensing the enemy nearby, when he looked about for the foe and did not see it. Then he began to worry about if his senses were flawed.
The woman who was trying to have him throw knives to show off his skills. She put a dagger into the center hoop and told him to try and win if he could get another dagger there he could possibly win. He threw his dagger at the others, hit the first one, its weight pulled the three daggers down.
His friends won a great deal in the bet that they had made on his behalf. The woman believed that she had been hustled by them. She lost.
This story has a lot going for it, the MC wants to buy his servant (or rather hid slave) a gift. The MC is being laughed at for his indescrussion with her, his friend is trying to tell him, he should not do this. But he has.
They go into the tavern where their friends said they would be, They see him come in to the tavern with Nina who is laughing at him. His friends accepted him being there finally. She goes into the details about what he has purchased for her.
His friends agree with Nina that he shouldn't have done this. When he was leaving the tavern he paid for his drink with a gold coin. He did not want an argument as he left the tavern.
This chapter is good, you have brought to us a good set of fight scenes, the description of the attack was good. The Vanguard was able to feel that there is danger about them. He shoved his mentor away from them to bring her into safety. He than attacked the person who posed a threat towards them/
The other student attacked the other attacker. The way that they have been able to protect each pther. The way that they were able to alert the others was good. I could see the attack being made upon them.
Nina wants to learn to fight by the vangaurd, the fight ended the class in the afternoon. The vanguard has made him noted by the trainer, who warns that he will keep an eye on him.
He is concerned with this matter before his mentor. He is not sure.
This is very good. You have been able to have us partake of your refined place and savour the taste of the food. You are able to us feel confident in your writing to allow us to understand what you are saying in your story.
The way that you have allowed us to see how he felt about his friend being harmed by his boss. He confronted her and told her how he felt about her doing this to her. HHe has given the girl one of his gold coins. For her work here.
His boss took exception to its, she struck her in the face with her hand. Knocked her from her feet from the force of the blow, he told her. That he would turn her butt red from the force of his hands on it. He spoke to harshly at her.
He was not sure of what he had done. When they got to the festivities, he could not feel good about this happening. He was fearful of what he had done there, the others there did not seem concerned with what he had done.
Nina wanted to walk him back to his room. He did not feel to good about this happening what if her noyfriend finds out about it happening. She explains to him about what her boyfriend desires instead of being a blueblood he wants return to his community with the training he will have,
This chapter is interesting, the servant or slave wants to help him. He is a little befuddled by her, he is trying to tell her she can relax. He wants to pay her for her work. She is uncertian about this. As is he.
The man he met at his door, is to act as his adjunctant. He leads him to the room to have a meal. They walk into a room to see the other novices. Two of them object to each other and leave the room. The other man who is there offers to fight him after being coaxed into it. The practice is good, the mc is good, but the other man is almost as good if not better. But the MC counters his attack and wins.
When they were discussing it among themselfs the girl who is also a novice chimes in and suggests she would like to fight with him using their practice swords. The MC had decided he shouldn't do this as she is desired by one of the novices, whom the MC does not want to rock the boat of.
He is wary of what the girl's boyfriend would say to him about this. The man who desires her has made a point that he wants her. He believes that he is a noble. Within the confines of the school, his rank has no power over them at all.
The noble believes he is greater than the others in the comunity,
It is a good chapter. You have defined the character and the politics of the units there in the realm. Great work. I have difficulties in describing this your way to do this is very good.
The chapter is informative, you are able to draw us into the room to learn the data that she has been able to pursuade him into understand what she telling. He has no knowledge of what he has been asked to do. He is unsure of what they are to do. The way that they have brought him here.
The woman that has taken him here, is of rank far highaer than he is. He is behaving as if he on her level, but has been told that he can not look at the faces of the people here who are ranked above him. But they have accepted others of his community and they have accepted them as having this baring of confidence, they do not take execption of this happening,
But he still has to act as they have told him to, The details have been able to allow him to know the details. The details are very good, but he is confused, the place she took him to seems to be a dive of a club. They walk down a hallway to arrive at a hallway that she knew, after entering another room he found the room was very neat.
There were people dressed in a garb that told her their rank in the company,
hi,
this chapter is good it describes the reaper's body's response to their changing their bodies to allow them to live 900 years. They have a disadvantage to their bodies is that they do not reproduce as often if at all.
The way that you have described the change to his body. The reaction of his unit is as it should be. He is being transfereds out of the way. His people believe that he will return sometime. He is not sure of this, now. That he has learned the details of his new task.
He has to use magic, that even the mages are afraid to use. The power that they have is able to harm themselves. The travel method is dangerous he is uneasy about the task before him. He knows no aside from the woman he has just met. Very much like the way the military does these things. I was an air force brat, so I realize that the transfers are there and are done in a similar fashion.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rickyallen/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.41 seconds at 5:15pm on Jun 27, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
