Riot's (riot) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

1,559 Public Reviews Given

2,107 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

My reviews typically cover: initial responses, technicalities and mechanics, favorite parts, areas of improvement, and overall impression.

I'm good at...

Honesty, and finding what works versus what doesn't work. I will never give you a rating I don't think your work deserves. I am also particularly good at spotting grammatical errors and typos.

Favorite Genres

Philosophy, Steampunk, Horror, Dark, Emotional, Science Fiction, Technology, and Political Science. I'm sure there are more that I'm missing.

Least Favorite Genres

Romance, Western, Religious, and anything froufrou.

I will not review...

Chapters and Novels, unless arrangements are made prior.

526

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#3094049

Review of Alice and the Illusionist (Introduction)

Review by Riot

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "Alice and the Illusionist (Introduction)"

.

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title/Plot: Good story. I felt the ending was a bit weak though. Do they hook up? What happens next? I would've enjoyed a little bit more. Where did the guy end up going?

Scene/Setting: I liked the setting, but I felt there was a bit missing. A card table was mentioned, but this is Vegas baby! What about the lights, the swarm of people, the atmosphere?

Characters:

Technical: Just a few things I spotted:

towards should be toward

and she gave a loud scream. - Maybe you could put and she gave another loud scream. as you've just pointed out she did before.

He walked back there and grabbed the man's shoulder. - This is a bit redundant as in the previous sentence you tell us he is walking back to them.

Nnow should be Now

What is your name, sir?"

Overall Opinion: A pretty good story with an interesting twist. I wonder what happened to that creepy guy. Keep up the writing!

I hope this review has been helpful in some way. Feel free to drop by my port sometime and sign "Invalid Item"

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527

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#3094043

Review of Break This Heart

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "Break This Heart"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: Sad, but true title, to this poem. I can't think of anything better to name it.

Style and Voice: Angry, hurt, but everything I'd expect with the ending.

Word Choice: Some of the words were a bit much, but I give you total props for not holding back. It was actually very well worded for the tone.

Structure and Form: Great rhyming couplet. I didn't syllable count it, because I thought it sounded good regardless of what I would've turned up.

Imagery: Well, I thought about that rash and sort of winced. Other then that, I think you captured the emotion pretty well.

Overall: A harsh, but realistic too, poem. Great job at writing this. Keep writing please!

I hope this review has been helpful in some way. Feel free to drop by my port sometime and sign "Invalid Item"

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528

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#3094030

Review of Tireless Days Of Young

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "Tireless Days Of Young"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: I don't like the title. I either lost the connection that it had to the poem, or something else. It made me think of mobsters or people doing dirty work, and not in the non-literal sense that your poem expressed.

Structure and Form:

For '10' I would use 'ten' - spell it out.

Watch your contractions, you're missing them. (ie: at Cant should be Can't)

The hours meshed in to one ambiguous lump.

into

Keep watch on punctuation. If each line is a refrain, you don't really need to put a period after each. However, if you want to combine them for better flow you can mix them with commas.

Example:
Laying in grassy fields all day,
ignoring the school bell that rung.
Walking in no direction at all,
talking ten years ahead of our time.

Imagery: Good imagery centered around the conforming of youth.

Overall: With a bit of work I feel this could be a more moving piece. Let me know if you re-write this piece or edit it as I would enjoy reading it again. Thanks for sharing.

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529

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#3094017

Review of she who unloves

Review by Riot

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "she who unloves"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: The only thought I have for the title of this is that it should be properly capitalized like the rest of the poem. Maybe even with a little dash there. She Who Un-loves.

Style and Voice: I like how this is presented. It could even make for great lyrics.

Word Choice: Some word choices I really enjoyed in particular are:

promises mornings caresses

pillows blue with desire

litanies incense

sweet feathery cage

Structure and Form: This free-verse is remarkably well laid out. I like how parts of it are indented and italic.

Overall: Great job, thank you for sharing this with us. And, HAPPY WDC ANNIVERSARY!

I hope this review has been helpful in some way. Feel free to drop by my port sometime and sign "Invalid Item"

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530

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#3094013

Review of My Four Seasons

Review by Riot

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "My Four Seasons"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: I like this title, especially everything you've done in the poem.

Style and Voice: You have a wonderful gift with story-telling and words! I'm in utter shock!

Word Choice: I can't just pick one thing with this piece, me pointing out specific word phrases would not do it any justice.

Structure and Form: The flow and rhyme of this is so catchy. It was great to read! You did this very well.

Imagery: Brimming with it!

Overall: I kept laughing. This poem had me in absolute hysterics. What a wonderful job, I can't believe it hasn't received a ribbon yet! Also, HAPPY WDC ANNIVERSARY!

I hope this review has been helpful in some way. Feel free to drop by my port sometime and sign "Invalid Item"

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531

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#3094003

Review of Dying for Love

Review by Riot

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "Dying for Love"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: I was first wary of this title. That is, until I read the end.

Style and Voice: I like how you've managed to tell a story with this poem. Not many people can pull it off in the twisted dark way you have.

Word Choice: I had a hard time picking out exactly my favorite piece. I loved the whole thing.

Structure and Form: While I couldn't find a specific structure, meter, or rhyme, it had excellent flow.

Overall: What a deliciously cynical read. Thank you so much for sharing this, and everything, with us.

I hope this review has been helpful in some way. Feel free to drop by my port sometime and sign "Invalid Item"

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532

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#3093995

Review of "I"

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry ""I""

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: Simple, short, to the point. Very fitting. I don't think you should change it.

Style and Voice: I like how it sounds like the Navajo is narrating.

Word Choice: Some word phrases in particular that I liked were:

Many arms, many fingers, all fragile,

Here I stand Tall and Proud.

My roots go deep,

Overall I feel this piece was well worded.

Structure and Form: This is a free-verse poem, and rightfully so.

Imagery: It was filled with imagery of a Navajo explaining not only their way of life but their view on life. From the sturdy body they rely on to mother earth, sky father, and much more.

Overall: Great job. Thank you for sharing this with us! The ribbon on this is well deserved. Oh, and HAPPY WDC ANNIVERSARY! *throws confetti*

I hope this review has been helpful in some way. Feel free to drop by my port sometime and sign "Invalid Item"

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533

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#3093951

Review of CRY

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "CRY"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: I like the title and think it's appropriate, but I'd like it more if it wasn't all capitalized.

Style and Voice: Interesting free-verse here. It's pretty simple, but I like how it turned out.

Word Choice: I liked how stanzas 1, 3 and 8 repeated.

Structure and Form: A couple of things that I think would help with the flow with this piece:

Triple dots

I dislike the triple dots. They only really work at the end of lines like you have them, but they also indicate a long pause. I think it would flow better without them.

In the 2nd stanza, last line, you break your form.

You can easily fix it by putting try on another line. Just like you do with the rest.

Stanza 4, 5, and 6

These could use commas after their first lines.

Last stanza

I think this would be fitting if you copied the stanza 1 and 3.
You'll
never
see me
cry

Overall: Thank you for sharing this with us. I thought it was pretty good. With some work, it could be even better.

534

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#3093860

Review of the afternoom clouds

Review by Riot

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "the afternoom clouds"

.

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title/Plot: The title of this is fitting, but it needs capitalization, and the typo fixed. It should be The Afternoon Clouds.

Style & Voice: I like how you wrote this, and I feel you definitely have a style here. I liked how you described things especially, including the greedy pigeon and the men in the swanky car.

Scene/Setting: I liked the activities that were going on in London's square. It reminded me a bit of Seattle, with hot dog stands and other outdoor activities.

Characters: I wonder who those creepy men in the swanky vehicles are. You definitely have me wanting to read more!

Technical: A couple of minor things I noticed:

Sentence four is quite the run on. I'd try to break it down into two sentences.

they're the freshest in Lond...

The sentence after the that line of is also quite long and run-on.

3 begins with another rather long sentence.

Seconds later a human shape...

Overall Opinion: This is a pretty good looking story so far. If the rest of the chapters are looking to be around the same length it could make quite an interesting novella depending on how many chapters you put in. Thank you for sharing this with us!

I hope this review has been helpful in some way. Feel free to drop by my port sometime and sign "Invalid Item"

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535

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#3093857

Review of My Professor in Sorcery

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "My Professor in Sorcery"

.

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title/Plot: The title seems fitting for the piece.

Style & Voice: The style of this story feels geared toward a younger audience. I'm not sure if the main character is really young, but he sounds it.

Technical: Some things I noticed:

medieval year - What does this mean, exactly?

I asked the young lady besides me. - besides should just be beside.

After knowing that, I felt sad.
Vampires should be burt
I've spotted several grammatical issues, spelling errors, and lines that don't make much sense to me from a reader's perspective. My suggestion is to possibly run this through an editing program like MS Word. You can also find a lot of free programs online.

Overall Opinion: Honestly, I feel like this short story needs a lot of work. I think the first step you should take is to fix all the technical errors in the story and repost it, and then see how the feedback is from there. With a lot of re-work I think this has potential, so don't give up on it.

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536

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#3093826

Review of Summer Storm

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "Summer Storm"

.

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title/Plot: A great title, for a great short story about summer rain on the beach.

Scene/Setting: I feel the setting is mentioned here casually, but could be worked upon. Maybe in the beginning you could describe their surroundings a bit more. What are they seeing? Who are they seeing? Are others laying around, or are their kids splashing in the water? Etc.

Characters: This couple is pretty cute. I like how the playfully shrug off the storm instead of letting it ruin their plans.

Technical: I only spotted a couple of errors. One thing I saw a bit of was telling us instead of showing us. An example of this is where you said: ...and I glare in annoyance at the man... - Aside from small re-works like this, you did a pretty good job.

Overall Opinion: Thank you for sharing this with us, I enjoyed the read. It made me wish we had more warm rain here near Seattle. We've had a few times, but it's definitely more chilling than warm. Keep writing!

I hope this review has been helpful in some way. Feel free to drop by my port sometime and sign "Invalid Item"

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537

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#3093769

Review of Blood on my Hands

Review by Riot

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "Blood on my Hands"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: I like it.

Style and Voice: Again, you have a way of putting seemingly bland words together into something more meaningful. It's beautiful.

Word Choice: Anything I would say here would not do it justice, so all I will say is that every bit of it was great.

Structure and Form: Free-verse. Isn't it funny how even though it's fairly short, here I am sitting and typing more words saying how it made me feel than the actual poem was.

Imagery: Brimming with it.

Overall: Don't change a thing. This piece is just perfect. Happy WDC anniversary, once again!

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538

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#3093765

Review of Beneath crippled rainbows

Review by Riot

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "Beneath crippled rainbows"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: Love it. It's what drew me in, and it's what I thought about when I left.

Style and Voice: You have a very talented and unique voice that speaks very loudly with this piece. Free-verse definitely suits you very well. And who cares if it's dark? You have me sitting over here in total awe.

Word Choice: Psh, I couldn't pick any single word choice in this entire piece that I like over the best. That's really saying something.

Structure and Form: Free-verse is definitely your style. Way to pull this one off!

Imagery: How many of us have rolled out of bed with much the same feeling, had life 'flip them off', get confronted by breakfast, and scowl at the beautiful day before them? This is just brimming with excellent imagery.

Overall: I'm in total shock from this awesome poem. Thank you so much for sharing with us your gifted talent of wording things. And, HAPPY WDC ANNIVERSARY!

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539

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#3093752

Review of A place for just about everything

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "A place for just about everything"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: I found this title to be fitting, especially there are the end. I cannot think of anything better to title this hilariously touching piece.

Style and Voice: With every line you progress this story with true and sweet facts. In the end, I just about fell out of my chair laughing. Amazing voice.

Word Choice: I can't just pick one thing about it, because it's an overall sort of feel that really gets to you.

Imagery: I can imagine a young child helping his granny out in the kitchen, asking all these questions. She must be a really wise-granny to produce the realistic and simple answers she provides.

Overall: Don't change a thing, this is perfect. AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

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540

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#3093746

Review of A finch in the distance

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "A finch in the distance"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: The title seems a bit reach-y. Maybe you could shorten it a bit by putting The Distance, or A Finch.

Style and Voice: I can definitely feel the emotion in this short piece.

Word Choice: Some word choices I liked were:

long grass on my back

wondering down / darkened corners of my mind

rivers of anxiety

Structure and Form: I think I feel a rhyme/meter here, but I'm not sure. Here's where I spot possible rhyme:

mind/spine

grind/time

Both are sort of stretches, but in the way it's presented I like the flow.

Overall: I felt this piece should be longer, for some reason. In the end, it was but a moment in time though, so I see where this is centered. Overall I feel you did a decent job. Keep truckin' as they say, and welcome to WDC.

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541

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#3093730

Review of My Demise

Review by Riot

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "My Demise"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title/Plot: An appropriate title. It gets me asking what's going on, and what sort of demise the character will come to, if any.

Style & Voice: I felt the rather mono-tone stating-facts sort of attitude a lot of vampires are known to have from other stories. Blunt. Accepting fate.

Scene/Setting: I can picture a bunch of men with pitch-forks dragging an iron coffin through the dark forest.

Characters: We know of him, and how he is. We don't know his name. I'm not sure if I really feel sorry for his end, but maybe I'm not supposed to. It just sort of is.

Technical: A few grammatical changes would enhance this piece. Some of them look to be mere oversights while others are there just to clutter the sentence.
For instance:

I know they will not be as generous, as I have not been so to their kind.

Overall Opinion: Pretty good. I always love reading about vampires. I don't think I've seen anything quite like this before. Keep up the good work.

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542

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#3093709

Review of When Mama Wrote

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "When Mama Wrote"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: When I read this title, I think of a child watching his mother write. Often times writer's get stuck in predicaments. We face family who don't understand our writing obsession. Or, if they do, realize it's part of who we are.

Style and Voice: As I've stated before, your style and voice peek through the cracks of your writing. I read it once, and I'm impressed, and read it again and find more.

Word Choice: A few things I liked about this particular poem:

Mama, on a serious roller-coaster ride,

Reality, symmetrical and compact,

she loathes to pass her verse around,

inside the hearts that hold her joy.

Funny, I hadn't intended, but if you read the pieces I picked out they even sound great like that, heh!

Imagery: Not only is there literal imagination, but there's other imagery as well. You pulled this off very nicely.

Overall: It's been a real pleasure reading you. Once again, happy anniversary on WDC. It's clear from the little I've read of your port why you've been bestowed the honor of purple case.

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543

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#3093705

Review of The Tenor at the Opera

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "The Tenor at the Opera"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: I love this title. It has me immediately hooked from the get-go. I love opera!

Style and Voice: You have a unique style and voice that sits beneath these words. I enjoy it very much.

Word Choice: Some things I really enjoyed here:

when music moves you / so far away,

and the song drifts / note by note / into darkness.

his momentous gaze

dusky tale

Structure and Form: I didn't notice a specific flow right off, but that's okay, because I had zero issues reading this.

Imagery: From the music drifting into the darkness, to the momentous gaze and seduction, to the ending with the applaud - This entire piece was brimming with wonderful imagery.

Overall: Don't change a thing! This was very good! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY ON WDC!

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544

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#3093702

Review of A Pathway to Destiny

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "A Pathway to Destiny"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: I don't really like the title. It's fitting, true, but I think something more mystical and fantasy-like would better suite this, especially with the pixie in it.

Style and Voice: There's definitely a distinct voice and style here that is unique. I like it very much.

Word Choice:
Some parts I liked in particular:

Follow the crystal blue river with haste / until you find a colorless place.

The pixie's magic seeped from her body, / covering the land quickly and softly.

Structure and Form:

Line 2 seems too lone. If there's any way to cut out just one syllable it would flow easier.

Line 9 is also too long. Read it out loud.

I liked your rhyming, you did a good job.

Imagery: Highly image filled. From the midnight dancing flames to the crystal blue river and down to the colorless world of real life.

Overall: Nearly perfect. With some minor adjustments to flow this piece would be perfect. Excellent job!

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545

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#3093680

Review of LOVE

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "LOVE"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: Normally I'd say this title is overused, and maybe even still it is. However after reading the poem I've decided it's okay. I can't think of anything off the top of my head I'd personally name it.

Structure and Form: I felt like there was a rhyme scheme here, or supposed to be. Some notes I've made:
dream/see

No rhyme, but close.
yours/pure

Close, but no rhyme.

Keep a watch on punctuation and length of your lines. Some are long and some are short, which can be okay if done carefully. Try reading it out loud.

In a few places you failed to use proper capitalization.

Overall: With some work I feel this could be an excellent poem. In all honesty I do feel it's a bit cliche, but that's not always a bad thing. Keep up the good work, and if you decide to alter this piece please let me know.

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546

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#3093664

Review of I Hide

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "I Hide"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: This was an okay title, but I think you should capitalize it in proper format. It should be I Hide. It could even simply be Hiding, Hide or even Hidden.

Structure and Form: The form for this is couplet. To me, it would flow better if the poem was reflecting this. An easy way to fix it would to be to put line 1 and 2 together without a double spacing between, then 3 and 4, then 5 and 6, etc.

Keep an eye on flow. You did well with rhyming, but some of your syllables were off. The following are just some examples in how you could match them up a bit more:

Lines 1 and 2 each have 8 syllables

Lines 3 has 9 syllables but Line 4 has 10

You could fix this by taking out 'only' in Line 4

Line 5 has 8 syllables but Line 6 has 10

You could expand Line 5 by adding 'always' before hide.

Line 7 has 7 syllables but Line 8 has 9

I think if you add one syllable to Line 7 and take out one from Line 8 it would work better.

Line 9 has 8 syllables but Line 11 has 11 syllables

Line 11 is definitely too long, even if you're not trying to match syllables.

Overall: I liked how you repeated Line 1 and 2 at the end. With a little work and some punctuation, this could be really great. The imagery was wonderful and I'd like to read it again later if you make adjustments to it.

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547

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#3093648

Review of Changeling

Review by Riot

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "Changeling"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: The title is simple, but to the point. It tells us what the story is about. I can think of nothing else to make it.

Style and Voice: I like your style, you don’t clutter the poem with words that are obnoxious for flare and they all fit together nicely in this really great poem.

Word Choice:
Some things I liked:

Great claws form, and grip the ground

A talle, horrid creature arises,

I bear my throat, and submit to your will.

Structure and Form: This is a good free-form poem. In some free-verse poetry people tend to rhyme on accident. I like how this didn’t.

Imagery: The imagery was wonderful.

Overall: I liked it a lot. One thing, I think you missed a comma. After “and I grip the ground” - Other than that I find nothing wrong with this beside the period missing at the end. Keep up the excellent work, and welcome to WDC!

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548

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14 days may be credited.

#3093627

Review of A Day in My Life

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "A Day in My Life"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title: An appropriate title, for a humorous poem.

Style and Voice: Your voice shows through with this poem. It's witty, and the story telling you've done throughout this piece is just spectacular. You've very much deserved the ribbon you have for it.

Word Choice: The whole thing was great, but a few lines that I liked in particular:

"Hey you snotty nosed old man," was
The one thing he had to say.

Hhhaaaaahhhhhhhha! :D

What had happened to my dream child,
And my roll of grey duct tape?

I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. I can only imagine, oh Lord! :D

Structure and Form: I really like the flow of the piece. It rhymes extremely well, I couldn't find any errors in rhyming flow at all. What I like best is the fact that it looks as though you've taken the time to count your syllables and they follow a scheme as well. I'm highly impressed.

Imagery: This is just filled with imagery. From a new mother vowing in the secrecy of her home that her child will not ever back talk, to the young boy mouthing off, to the visions of duct-tape floating through her mind, and later showing naked baby pictures to his girl friend.

Overall: I've been blessed with getting to read a rare piece indeed. It's not every day I give a five star rating. Wonderful piece, truly.

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549

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14 days may be credited.

#3093613

Review of Scrap Metal

Review by Riot

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "Scrap Metal"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title/Plot: After reading the piece, I thought honestly that I don't like the title. It doesn't do your work justice. It was a good story, and ended with a rather humorously dark sort of feel. Except, the more I thought about it, I guess the title does make sense, especially if it really was decommissioned. I can imagine a sort of metallic space craft in someone's front barn-yard with copper wires and booze floating around inside of it. Hah!

Style & Voice: Despite this being a short read, I felt your voice showing through with this piece. I liked how you told the story, and how it ended. Great job.

Scene/Setting: The barnyard, on a hillside. I could just picture this craft of sorts peaking up over the hill before descending down to the barn.

Characters: Poor Ed. Defending his property, his wife, even his faithful dog. I wonder if he felt more for her than she did him, seemingly. Duke took the cake when he ran and hid, that was very good of you to add to this story. Most people forget the reactions of non-humans.

Technical:
First sentence: The rifle dropped to the ground, now that Ed Johnson was no longer there to hold it.

Phrases like radar type thing and No more Ed make me wary. For the first, you could just say radar. For the second, you could say something like Then he was gone. or In an instant he disappeared.

When talking about the loud engine sounds, show us, don't tell us. I realize you're under some word count issues here, but you could pull this off easily with just a couple of words.

Overall Opinion: Superb idea. I really did like it. If you make any future edits to this please let me know.

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550

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14 days may be credited.

#3093596

Review of Wait- Where?

Review by Riot

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, I'm Justine, known here as Riot

. This review is in response to your entry "Wait- Where?"

submission to "Invalid Item"

Please note that this is just a review and my personal opinion of what I read. It is not intended to be rude, hurtful, or in any way discouraging. Like all free advice you can take it or leave it as you please.

Title/Plot: This title is very fitting of the piece, especially because of the confusion within the story. I can't think of anything better to name it.

Style & Voice: Sometimes I feel like dialogue is just dialogue, even with a plot progression. With this piece, I felt like your voice was peaking through the cracks and shining at me. I'm very impressed.

Scene/Setting: I imagined these people talking in the dark. Maybe they were in hiding, still.

Characters: I could feel the confusion of the second person speaking, and the matter-of-fact but still ironically humorous responses from the first. I can't think of anything better to improve upon for these characters without expanding the story a bit. If you do though, my first suggestion would be to name them. If they don't know each other, introduce themselves to each other.

Technical: I could find nothing wrong with this piece.

Overall Opinion: I found this piece to be more funny than I did intense. It was a very good piece of dialogue, despite it's shortness, and I enjoyed the read very much. Thank you for the submission, I hope you decide to do this contest again.

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