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1
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Review of Park Pedaler  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
JPM,

Well written, well done. Intensity with attitude. Could easily be an episode from one of the many drama TV series out there these days. My only suggestion for improvement is to be more sparing with adjectives, as in some cases they are overdone or redundant. For example, "she strode quickly over the thick, ice-blue, plush carpet of the hallway" could read "she strode over the thick, ice-blue carpet of the hallway", as the verb "strode" conveys an image of quick, purposeful movement, and "thick" carpet suggests the fabric is plush (at least for this reader).

Good stuff. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Best wishes,
Rick
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Review of Mesothelioma  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Greetings,

A well-written article that strikes fear, informs, and prompts action. However, the “Personal Note” at the bottom left me scratching my head.

Suggesting that Mesothelioma (or even all asbestos-related disease) is “far more deadly and worrisome than [your] smoking” is absurd and, I'm guessing, an emotionally-inspired response to a comment or comments you recently received. At any rate, I feel the assertion undermines the professionalism and academic rigor you strived to achieve with this piece.

A cursory bit of research on smoking-related deaths in the US cites numbers somewhere around 400,000 per year (approximately 3,000 attributed to second-hand smoke), accounting for about one in every five deaths; whereas medical institutions dedicated to Mesothelioma call it a “rare form of cancer”, citing only 3,000 diagnosed cases of that disease, annually. (Further research on asbestos-related deaths, in general, turns up about 10,000 deaths per year.)

Is Mesothelioma a serious disease? Yes. Under-diagnosed? Probably. Becoming more prevalent? Maybe. But anywhere close to the deadliness of smoking? No.

Simply put, you have a solid article here, but I don't believe it was intended to pit diseases against one another. Your research and message may be better received without such reference, if even as an afterthought.

Respectfully,
Rick
3
3
Review of Weekend Hurricane  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
JimS Author Icon,

Thank you for writing this story for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

I think you have the groundwork for a good story here. I liked the idea you had for the family camping trip, male bonding, and the storm that spoils their plans, but I think it needs some work to bring it alive for your reader.

First, I recommend printing this story, grabbing a red pen, and reading over it with a careful eye. The story, as it stands here feels much like a rough draft (nothing wrong with that - all stories start as drafts), but for your reader's sake, and for you to get quality feedback on the story itself, I believe you'll need to give it a good editing. Punctuation, verb tense, and clarity of which character is saying and doing what were the main stumbling points for me.

Aside from the technical stuff, I believe the main area for improvement on this story is to develop and provide some depth to your characters. We see some of the personalities by way of a one-liner now and again, but the reader needs to learn more about the characters. What you have here are several one-dimensional figures with names that the reader knows little about and cares even less about. Without a connection to the characters, your reader will often lose interest in the story, no matter how well it's written.

Below are a couple quick suggestions for developing your characters:

1. Give physical descriptions of the characters and their mannerisms. I’m not talking about paragraphs of metaphors and imagery, just a quick word or two to point us in the right direction. If you handle your dialogue and dialogue tags well, you won’t need a lot of physical description – our minds will fill in the gaps for you.

2. Provide meaningful dialogue/monologue that goes beyond what the reader sees in front of them. What are their thoughts? Can you reference other times and places in conversation or thought to tell us something about them? What are their dreams and fears?

Work on this aspect of your writing, and I think you find that the stories themselves are easier and more enjoyable to write.

Thanks again for entering the contest, and good luck with your writing!

Take care,
Rixtr
4
4
Review of Storm Warnings  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Midnight Dawn Author Icon,

Thank you for writing this story for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

I enjoyed this story a lot. Great job with the details of the storm - even though I would like to have seen a little more power and devastation from it. Your word choice in several places was exceptional and really established an edgy tone and effectively built suspense for your reader. For example, "Woman, did ya forget somethin'?" Tap, tap, tap went the pipe. - I loved that line, and the entire Grab me a couple beers scene was especially tense and well done.

I was particularly impressed with how you ended the story. Very subtle, yet powerful and heart-squeezing. Bravo!

My only substantial suggestion for you here is to take a closer look at the point of view - it seems to shift slightly here and there. What seemed to throw me the most was that the mother and father are often referred to as simply "momma" and "daddy" in the narrative, which gives this story a first-person feel at times. Perhaps adding a possessive pronoun (i.e., her, their, his) before most of the mommas and daddys will make it clearer for the reader. It also might be better if you refer to them as simply "mother" and "father" most of the time in the narrative, and use “momma” and “daddy” primarily in the dialogue of the children.

With that said, you have a very good story here. Thank you very much for writing it, and good luck in the contest.

Take care,
Rixtr
5
5
Review of Valkyrie  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
billwilcox,

Extremely creative story you have here, sir! I really like some of the dialogue you have between Erik and Val, and would have preferred to see even more of it. I think you can take more advantage of Erik's misunderstandings to endear the reader to him further. The ending was clever, poetic, and very like a fable...very well done.

*Idea* A couple things you might want to work on include Val's opening scene on the ledge, which felt stiff and unnatural to me. It seems you could pull the scene off with her doing a little more pouting, sulking, and moaning, than repeating the word "fat" so many times. I understand what you're going for, and I think you accomplish it, but Val and Harold felt too theatrical and it hindered me from getting into the story for a bit.

*Idea* I'd also like to see a little more confusion from Val after she zaps into the world of Vikings. Amnesia? Coma? Dream? Some undercooked pork in her recent slab o' ribs? Seems like she would spend more time in conjecture about her incredible situation.

*Idea* Like I said, I really enjoyed the Erik-Val conversations, and I hope you can incorporate some more of it into the story. "Job? This Harold of Kravitz, he is a mighty warrior?" Good stuff, Bill. *Smile*

*Idea* Here are some technical suggestions for ya:

*Bullet* upon a(n) eight-inch ledge

*Bullet* everytime (two words)

*Bullet* heartattack (two words)

*Bullet* The dominate (dominant) strength

*Bullet* Come with us our (or) die

*Bullet* Her cloak, in a most unlady-like (omit hyphen) fashion, flew up at intervals exposing her lily-white body and undulating posterior, (replace comma with a period and start new sentence) to the men already aboard ship, she was like a goddess cut from living marble running swiftly toward their arms.

*Bullet* Val saw family members and sweethearts spot one another and shouting drove through the pressing crowd to embrace. (Awkward sentence. I think the tense is throwing things off. Here's a possibility: Val saw family members and sweethearts spot one another and shout, driving through the pressing crowd to embrace.)

*Bullet* men sat around large hewn trees that served as a tables

*Bullet* The men silently looked her over, accessing (assessing) her beauty

*Bullet* myraid (myriad) of tiny silver bells.

*Bullet* the rhy(th)mical beat

*Bullet* lightening = lightning

*Bullet* A long, blond haired woman stood within (the woman was long or the hair was long?)

Drop me a line after you make edits/revisions, and I'll happily reread and re-rate it for you.

Take care,
Rick
6
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Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Vivian Author Icon,

Thank you for writing this story and entering it in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

This is a solid, well-written story. The action scenes are vivid and fast-paced, and contrasted nicely with the more emotional, intimate moments. I really enjoyed the description of the storm and its effects, and you held my attention throughout with tense, suspenseful moments and believable, endearing characters.

As far as suggestions go, I don't have much for you. I know that judges writetight and shaara provided you with some technical edits and wording suggestions, so I'll forgo repeating any of those.

If you look to edit this story I suggest showing us a little more about the family of the little girl. You could even run a parallel POV with the little girl lost and wandering at the same time Trish is trapped under the roof. This might allow the reader to care more for her and might also sprinkle in a little more intrigue, allowing us to view the action and wreckage from a very young child’s perspective.

Thanks again for creating this story. It was a pleasure to read and review. Good luck in the contest.

Rixtr
7
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Review of Honeydew Romance  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi clearlyclayr,

You have a good, emotional, descriptive chapter here of your romance novel. I could see the images and, eh, "action" *Wink* in my mind as I read. Nice work!

I have one general suggestion for improvement for this chapter. *Idea* Reread it and try to eliminate 10% of the words while maintaining the same story and scene; try to trim off the fat, so to speak. Here's an example of what I mean. You write:

The prairie grasses grew tall on the side of the beaten road, and thousands of tiny lights flickered amongst the slender grassy blades swaying in the gentle wind, and like cigarette lighters at a concert they swayed left and right, glistening on and off in what seemed to be synchronized motion.

Your imagery is good, but contains more words than needed to convey the scene, which can slow the reader down unnecessarily. Here's my attempt at eliminating some of the words:

Thousands of tiny lights flickered amongst the tall prairie grass that grew beside the beaten road. Like cigarette lighters at a concert, the slender blades swayed in the wind, glistening in synchronized motion.

Of course, you should write in your own style, so my version may not work for you. But, you see what I'm trying to accomplish.

Here are a couple specific suggestions:

Not just my surroundings seemed beautiful at that moment(;) the moment and the sheer feeling was were beautiful.

They can’t ever be a lone alone like this in the cities

I made a sudden grab at the closest ball of light that passes passed, and missed by a mile.

If he let go, it would feel like I was falling off the Empire State building, crashing down on the pavement and splattering all over. I understand that both him letting go, and you splattering all over are painful, undesirable outcomes, but I would suggest a less, um, graphic metaphor, given the romantic mood you've created for the reader at this point.

Here's another opportunity to tighten up the story:
I wondered if maybe there was something was on his mind that he couldn’t quite bring himself to say, or if he was just plain terrified of potential sexual encounters, or if he was so shy that he was just scared of everything.

As I said, I think you have a good chapter here. I think the best improvements to this one will come from the eraser, rather than the pencil. If you revisit this one and would like me to take another look, please drop me an email and I'll be happy to reread!

Best wishes to you,
Rixtr
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Review of Only You  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Munchkin,

First, let me say that you write well. Your style is eloquent and flows smoothly with poetic descriptions and a strong vocabulary. I liked the ending to this story--very unexpected!

Here are a couple general suggestions for you:

Be careful with the verb tense. It shifts awkwardly from past to present over the course of the story (sometimes mid sentence), which slows the reader down. Here's an example:

Yet my body is aching to feel him against me, as it had (has) so many times since he left.

This piece almost reads like an essay rather than a short story. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. There's a lot of exposition about emotions, scenery, and the past, but it doesn't really develop and pull the reader forward like a short story (until the very end). Like I said, not a bad thing, just something for you to consider.

A few specific edits:

Add a space between paragraphs; it's much easier to read, especially when scrolling on-screen.

"You really expect me to believe you're over him, Megan?" Sarah asked(.)

causing my heart to po(u)nd loudly in my chest.

Replacing the phone in it's (its) cradle

"Why?". (omit period)

I hope at least some of this is helpful to you. *Smile* If you have any questions, or make edits to this and would like me to take another look, please ask!

Take care,
Rixtr
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Review of Tears of Blood  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Pandora,

You write well and have a good command of the language; your style is eloquent and colorful, and brings objects and characters to life for the reader. I have a couple suggestions for you on this story...I have no doubt you'll be able to address them appropriately and turn this "work in progress" into a terrific piece.

Be careful with the pace of the story. Foreshadowing is good, but blatant foreshadowing multiple times diminishes the effect, and can even have the opposite effect on a reader. I think the opening scene is good and I wouldn't change that, but in a couple of the paragraphs that follow, you write things like "the day that would destroy my life forever," "that was to be my last day to live in that sunny, light-filled world," "I drifted into the last peaceful sleep I would ever know." With so many mentions of the upcoming dreadful event, the reader may find themselves thinking "get on with the traumatic incident, already!" *Smile* Once you set the reader on the path that they know ends in something bad, tease them along and keep their interest piqued, rather than remind them so often of the doom that awaits.

Be mindful of unnecessary words. I really enjoy your elegant style of writing. It seems especially appropriate for the narrator of this story. However, I will caution you that some folks might feel this style is too wordy. Be direct as often as possible, and save the articulate, eloquent passages for the most emotional parts of the story (the first couple paragraphs were exceptionally well written.)

Take a look at the descriptions of Jonathan. I think they are very well done, but they didn't seem like the kind of observations one could make in the moonlight (no matter how bright); in particular, the mentions of colors "His lip(s) were a light pink, with a hint of blue around the inside edges."

A couple specific edits for you:

Look for "i" in the story. In several places it's in lowercase, like here: Earlier I had laid out my pen and paper, for i mean to write my story.

It was of course a difficult matter, for at that time young peoples' thoughts were not consider(ed) on such matters.

The day had dawned bright and sunny, giving no illusion (allusion) to the darkness

The water looked so clear and inviting that I decided that (I) must have a bathe in it.

I hope that this review is helpful to you. Good luck with your writing, and if you have any questions, or make edits and would like me to reread this story, please let me know.

Rixtr
10
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Review of A Thing For Socks  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.0)
Oh. My. Gawd.

Mr. Wilcox, let me just say that this is the sorriest excuse for a poem I have encountered in...well...my life! You should be ashamed of yourself.

"Oh, my pungent sock...I smell your anger" Ah! Perhaps you can smell my anger you sick, sick man.

Do the world a favor. The next time your stinky sock muse visits you, either put down your pen or jam it into one, or both, of your eyes.

Most sincerely yours,
Rixtr *Bigsmile*
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Review of In The Woods  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Kristina,

Thanks for posting your item at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. .

I think you have a very suspenseful storyline, but as it stands, I don't think you're taking full advantage of it. What you have here is a "telling" story rather than a "showing" story. The way it is written accurately conveys all of the details of the events (spelling, grammar, and punctuation are nearly perfect), but it doesn't immerse the reader into the forest with Sam and Junior.

My primary suggestion for you is to involve the reader more in the emotions, sights, sounds, and smells of the scene. What did Junior look like from Sam's window? Was his grey coat gleaming in the sun as he drank from his trough? Was Sam eager to go into the forest? Where there any rumors about things that lay behind the tall spruce? What did Junior's footsteps (hoof steps?) sound like as they disturbed the silence of the forest? Did the thick, musty scent of moss fill the air as the two descended deeper into the darkness?

You see what I'm getting at here. Entice the reader's senses with your story. Also, go lighter on things that don't pertain to the storyline. Look at this piece and see what you can eliminate for the sake of the story you want to tell. Remember, this is a creepy story about what happens to Sam and Junior in a forest.

Oh, another general comment for you is to add a space between your paragraphs. It's easier to read, especially when scrolling on screen.

Junior and I took our first ride on an afternoon when (M)om and (D)ad had taken the car (Mom and Dad are capitalized unless they are preceded by a possessive pronoun--my, your, his, etc.)

The next day, Junior acted normal and was his usual calm self when I walked out to him in his field. No signs of anything scary following us home, anyway. Just to make sure, we went a different way when we rode out that day.

A scream woke me up.
(This is an awkward transition between paragraphs. The reader doesn't know Sam went to sleep.)

Avoid using multiple punctuation marks in a row, like this "...?!!" One exclamation is sufficient, and if you've done a good job of writing, you won't need anything more for the reader to realize the emotion conveyed by the speaker.

Okay, enough of that. As I said, I think you have a great story that’s just waiting to be unlocked. If you revisit this one to make edits, please let me know—I’d love to check it out again *Smile*

Best wishes to you. Keep writing!
Rixtr
12
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Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Dan,

This was great...a very funny essay/anecdote! I really enjoyed it. Your writing style here reminds me a lot of Charles Dickens...have you been reading classics, lately *Wink*

I only have a couple technical suggestions for you on this one:

And from my experience of dressing myself for half a century I was pretty sure that it was not (a) socks.

(The) (f)irst was that I am considerate and didn’t want to wake my wife.

What possesses someone to change the sock drawer without prior notification of that act?

After 36 (thirty-six) years of marriage, you sense those sorts of things. (Using numbers in writing like this can catch the reader's attention from half a page away, so I always spell them out.)

Nice work...write on, sir!
Rixtr
13
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Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi PlannerDan,

Thanks for posting your story on my review page!

I really like the idea of this piece, though I think you could convey it to the reader in a "tighter" package. You write well, but I think the kind of writing you have here works better for longer pieces than something of this length.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you've chosen a slower pace for this story (a fast pace wouldn't work); I'm only suggesting that you pick it up a little. One way you can do this is to try to grab the reader's attention early in the story. Instead of just saying that Rowena is going to the gardens, maybe you can foreshadow her unforgettable encounter. Make us wonder what that encounter is, who it's with, the effect it will have on her, etc.

Another general comment is to be mindful of beginning sentences with "And". Strict grammarians say never to do it, though I disagree with that. I think there are places where it works...just use them sparingly.

When she had waken to this beautiful day (I'm not sure about this one, but should it be "awoken"? For some reason, I have a hard time with that verb *Smile* )

Of course, those are just my suggestions...take them or leave them as you see fit!

Good work, overall *Smile*

Rixtr
14
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Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Harry,

Thanks for posting your item at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. !

This is a wonderful "storoem" about the never-ending cycle of hate, action, and retaliation of war. The present tense works well for this piece. I especially liked the father/son element, and the "lesson" passed on--it added emotion and palpability, while giving the reader insight into the feelings that perpetuate the violence.

Only a couple of observations...as always, take them or leave them at your discretion.

The carnage continues until all are slain. Thereupon, the son
surveys the bloody scene, seeking the sweetness...He’s knelt
to pray, “Forgive us! Shall this unholy crusade ever be done?” Perhaps "He kneels to pray" to keep the tense consistent?"

the small band
of men has a desire for revenge that each man feels. "men" and "man" close together...perhaps "men" = warriors? Something like that might draw even more attention to the individual emotion involved.

Best wishes to you,
Rixtr
15
15
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
ClearlyClayr,

This is a clever piece...sort of a prose-like essay on love. You capture the ups and downs and ins and outs of that enigmatic cluster of emotions very well. Anyone who's been there would certainly find himself or herself nodding while reading this essay *Smile*

I enjoyed your use of metaphors and similes to bring about emotions and visuals, but I recommend avoiding (or reworking) those that are clichéd or overly simplistic. For example: it feels like they’ve been dropped back on you like a ton of bricks dropped from the Empire State Building runs the risk of both.

A couple other observations:
And you try to being (bring) your normal consciousness back

Even the most poetic (missing noun here...words? song?) cannot truly capture the essence of love.

you feel like the world has (s)topped rotating

Watch out for repetition or unnecessary words.
It’s like your glass heart has been handed back to you, crushed into a million tiny shards of glass

But slowly, it heals, like broken bones do, but if you were to perform an X-Ray of your heart, you can (could) see that your heart was broken once. , like you can tell with broken bones.

Nice work overall and please, keep writing! *Smile*
Rixtr
16
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Review of LOTD Part 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hack,

Thanks again for posting your item at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. .

You've got quite an imagination, that's for sure! Another entertaining read, written in your uniquely chaotic style. Here are some suggestions for you on this one:

* Be careful with the capital letters. If you use them too often you lose the effect.
* In dialogue exchanges of more than a few lines, be sure to give the reader a reminder of who is speaking. Sometimes it's clear, but sometimes it can get confusing and the reader has to skip several lines backward to see who began the conversation.
* The most recurring technical problem in this story was the punctuation in and around the quotes. Below I've listed three examples:

“Lets just fight”
Need punctuation at the end of the sentence: "Let's just fight."

“Of course I’ll come” they drove to an airport
What follows the quote is a separate sentence. Need punctuation within the quote and appropriate capitalization of the beginning of the next sentence: "Of course I'll come." They drove to an airport

“OWW! Did you really need to do that I'm just trying to help! See” the dragon said
What follows the quote is part of the same sentence and needs proper punctuation. "OWW! Did you really need to do that I'm just trying to help! See?" the dragon said (you could also use a comma instead of a question mark there depending on which you prefer).

Good luck and keep writing!

Rixtr
17
17
Review of A Lesson Learned  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
arice,

Thank you for posting your item at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. .

This is a detailed description of an accident scene where the emergency personnel have become mechanical in their routines and lost touch with the people they’re treating—it takes a six-year old to revive their compassion.

I like the idea you have here, as well as the moral of the story, but it does need some editing to bring it all together for your reader.

Here are a few general suggestions you:
*Idea*An easy one—put a space between your paragraphs. Reading one large block of text (especially on screen) is overwhelming.

*Idea*Immerse the reader in your scene. You do a good job of describing all the steps and gadgets required by EMTs, but in most cases you're telling the reader rather than involving them. For example, describe the firemen sawing open the door. What was it like? Peeling back a sardine can? A shower of sparks? Describe emotions; make us feel what the characters feel. Fill our senses with sights, sounds, and smells. Put us, the reader, on the scene alongside your characters.

*Idea*You refer to the boy in the car as a "patient" throughout. I don't think this is correct. I believe he would be referred to as the "injured," "wounded," or maybe "victim," but not yet a patient. Once he's in the hospital, patient might apply.

Here are some specific typos/suggestions for this piece:
*Right*I quickly got in on the other side and went straight to the back. You can shorten this sentence without losing anything: I quickly entered and went straight to the back. (Too much detail can slow the reader down unnecessarily.)

*Right*We all knew if a trauma happened everyone would be there to help. "Trauma" doesn't quite work here. Maybe try: We all knew that when there was an accident, everyone would be there to help.

*Right*After the fire department had the door off, I went to the unaffected side of the car. A lady had the door open and was bent over looking in the car. You might want to describe how the car was mangled here a little better. It seemed odd to me that while the firemen are cutting open the door on one side, the mother is leaning in whispering to the boy from the other. I assume the part they're cutting has the boy pinned in place?

*Right*I took the patient(')s head in my hands to stabilize it for the cervical collar.

*Right* “What is your name?” He gave a reasonable answer. After reading the whole story, I realize you were trying to make the narrator sound indifferent to the boy's answer, but this sounded odd to me. You might want to just write: "He answered."

*Right*Know what year it is? A six year old child might have difficult answering this question even without head trauma *Pthb* I'm not sure, but it seems that EMTs would ask different types of questions for young children. Check on that if you haven't already.

*Right*Jeff assesses (assessed) and bandaged the bleeding arm and announced it wasn’t serious

*Right*The third EMT had meanwhile entered the car with oxygen and a mask, which he started to apply to the patient(')s face.

*Right*The look she gave me tore my heart into (in two).

If/when you revisit this story and make revisions, let me know and I'll be happy to re-rate!

Best wishes to you,
Rixtr
18
18
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Nice work P-Joy! The characters here seemed almost tanglible to me, and the voice in this story was incredible...I found myself lost carried away in her eloquent monologues and hilarious babblings.

I only had one techinical suggestion:

I had to show this gentle man the ropes, for it (one) needs military strategy to ride an elevator at Marriott Marquis, or make it to the sidewalk of a two way avenue when the green light goes off while you are in the middle.

Terrific writing, overall. *Smile*

Best wishes,
Rixtr
19
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Review of Monster  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Andrea, What a wonderfully disturbing piece of writing you have here!

What I liked most:
- Your writing (technically speaking) is very clean. No grammar or typo issues that I saw.
- Feelings of sympathy you bring about in the reader. Nice job on pulling at the reader's heart strings!
- Full circle of story from onset of her disfigurement, to overcoming it, to revenge.
- The final two paragraphs were very well written. I like the coy manner in which you laid out the details. Though I do have an asterisk for the ending (see below *Smile* )

Suggestions for improvement:
- The ending was a surprise, which is good, but it was a surprise mainly because the voice of the narrator (the girl) didn't seem capable of such an action...thus it didn't seem believable. That's just the feeling I got, anyway.
- A little more show and less tell. Several parts of the story felt like I was hearing it over the phone from the girl, rather than experiencing it along side her. The mentioning of her emotions was good, but give the reader something to chew on...a little more detail about the disfigurement, maybe more description of the un-bandaging scene (the confrontation that led to it, how she struggled with him, etc).

Good story, overall. Best wishes to you!

Rixtr
20
20
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Colony,

Wow, I am so glad that I've come across you and your writing. This is an exceptional piece of sci/fi! You showed great imagination with this plot and perfect execution of the story and its characters. I loved your attention to little details (like the pen falling off the desk) in your descriptions. You didn't overdo it, but included just enough to bring the scenes to life. I especially enjoyed Daniel's surreal mental melt-down. I bet you had fun coming up with those off-the-wall, Madlib-type sentences!

I have a couple minor suggestions for you, though I couldn't allow myself to rate this anything other than five-stars. Teriffic writing!

When citing numbers in a story like this, I usually spell them out...that way, the reader's attention isn't draw to them. Plus, if you use digits, and have several in one paragraph, your story stars to look like a research report *Pthb*

He missed the wastebasket even though it was only 2 (two) feet away.

after 7 (seven) months of treatment...

"It's more than just 'whacking out your perceptions'.(, instead of period)" he said, snatching the pen off the floor...

Dan felt as though he was (were) chewing on aluminum foil.

I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

Sincerely,
Rixtr
21
21
Review of Jr's Birthday  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Kyle,

Welcome to writing.com! I hope you're finding your way around the site and making a little home for yourself. If you have any questions, please let me know!

I really enjoyed this piece. You did a wonderful job with the opening paragraph to grab the reader's attention, and you held it well throughout with vivid imagery and creative metaphors. Excellent work.

I think the second to last paragraph is the place you need to do a little tweaking to make this good story, great. I love how you finished the story (the final sentence was great), but the dramatic shift from sorrow to comedy threw me off a little bit. Maybe it was because I wasn't expecting it, but I had trouble following your descriptions of what was happening.

Your abstract style of imagery is a teriffic assest as a writer, but just be careful when you change directions in a story very quickly, as the abstract can suddenly become confusing.

Just a couple techinical suggestions:

sniffled as the wind blew cold, and watered as dirt ran into my eyes, and balled (bawled) outright when I ran out of excuses.

sucker(-)punched

Once again, nice work. I look forward to seeing more of your writing in the future.

Best wishes,
Rixtr
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22
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Viv!

This is a touching piece about family and the holiday season. As time goes on, it's funny how so many things change, yet so many things stay the same. Thank you for sharing your heart-warming memories.

I've written a couple "seasonal" pieces too, but somehow they both came out to be horror! My girlfriend reads them, says she likes them, but then, with one of her eyebrows raised, inquires about my childhood *Pthb*

Anyway, here are a couple suggestions for you on this one that you can take or leave as you wish:

Therefore(,) every Friday the day after Thanksgiving, I would (always) awaken while it was still dark, poke the turkey in the oven, drive to the other side of Oklahoma City from where we lived, (and) pick up two little girls,(omit comma) who were still half asleep.

The first year, Keri put every decoration she handled on the same branch of the tree as one of her uncles slipped a few off and placed them elsewhere when she turned her back to pick up another.
This was a wonderful visual *Bigsmile*. My only hangup was that the sentence seemed to me a run-on. Here's a possible rewrite:
The first year, Keri put every decoration she handled on the same branch of the tree. Each time she turned her back to pick up another, one of her uncles would slip a few off and place them elsewhere.

Best wishes to you,
Rixtr
23
23
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Very touching piece, Farhana. I really enjoyed how you effortlessly wove in details of Ramadan and the Quran. A good story with an educational edge to it is always a treat!

Here are a few suggestions for you.

I would change the font from gray to black or something a little easier on the eyes. My monitor isn't the best (and neither are my eyes *Pthb*) so I had a hard time reading it.

thought Rabia to herself (This is something I passed along to me a while back that I always notice now...since thoughts are always "to one's self", it's not necessary to mention that she thought to herself)

carefull (careful) not to slip on the icy road.

as she dialled (dialed) the emergency services

expressionionless (expressionless) face

placing a hand gently on the woman(')s

Rabia could still hear the chilling screams of it's (its) poor mother.

won(')t you join me for Iftar afterwards

They charged him with my son{'}s death,

eyes searching for answers starred {stared) at Rabia

the fluent arabic rolling of (off) her tongue

Nice work, overall!

Best wishes,
Rixtr
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24
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great storytelling, WD! Terrific plot development with suspense interwoven throughout. You kept me on the edge of my seat from beginning to end. I also liked how you broke it up into mini-sections with titles, like a serial...it worked really well here.

A few minor suggestions/corrections for you:

Now come away from 'ere for it(')s too late.”

a small group of Indians(,) called, Chumash, that he had hired

After a full day(')s trek

Martha had gotten together a couple of mine lamps and took George inside (verb tense shift mid-sentence here...maybe "Martha got together a couple of mine lamps and took George inside")

Katie wasn’t listening to her brother(')s teasing

She slowly backed away from it as she stared at the door as if (it) were going to come to life.

It’s alive, for god(')s sake, and I gotta destroy it.”

Ned carried the last load of explosives to the min(e) entrance

Knives and spears were clutched in their skeletal hands and their eyes shone a fiery red.

When you make the edits, let me know and I will re-rate this with the five-stars that it deserves!

Nice work as always,
Rixtr
25
25
Review of Bus stop Memories  Open in new Window.
Review by Rick² Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welty,

I enjoyed this piece. Sometimes the smallest events in one's life can make great little stories!

My only suggestion for you on this is to be mindful of not over-describing. Use of too many adjectives and adverbs can slow a reader down with exessive detail. For example:

Suddenly, a drop of water fell onto my black digital watch, and a peal of thunder and lightning brightened up the dark, inky sky with a horrific boom. As the world lit up for a brief instant, I saw a figure writhing in the cold November rain.

At this point in the story, you've already mentioned that the watch is black, the sky is dark, and the rain is cold; and the only type of an "instant" is a brief one, so you can drop that word without losing meaning.

Everyone's style is different, but I think "overwriting" is something we all struggle with (I know that I do!).

Best wishes,
Rixtr
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