My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Jake travels to Japan and recalls his first romance.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed how the story really put me in the memory and evoked emotion.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited from Jake's perspective. Good job with narration. The tense shifts from past to present on occasion and you want to be consistent with it. I would suggest an edit for past tense.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue accents the narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. Again, this minor. If anything, I'd love to see the author evoke the sense of smell as a memory.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting - Japan
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Jake
There's enough here to understand his motivations. I'm not sure if he's traveling for business or pleasure, so I would tighten that up a bit.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader as to why Jake's in Japan and keeps them reading. The story evokes emotionwell and uses a good economy of words to paint the ambience of romance.
Write on!
Your story will be included in my Romance/Love NL dated 6 FEB 2013.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Andrea doesn't quite believe that coffee at "The Coffee Bean" can be made with love.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved how the author placed just a splash of magic into every cup at the coffee shop. Well done and believable.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person from Andrea's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on - and you don't need much. Just a stragetic sentence or two appropriately placed. If anything, put me in the coffee shop as a customer sitting next to Andrea. What does the shop smell like? What's the decor? What does it sound like?
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Andrea
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to disprove that magic is used at the coffee shop.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any puncutation mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for spelling.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader, wanting them to take the journey along with Andrea.
Write on!
Your story will be featured in my Romance/Love NL dated 6 FEB 2013.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
NAME
For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
Yes - Huck
THE STORY
Huck is a philologist who is drawn into an enigma involving the death of Joan of Arc.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed the storyline. It piqued my interest. I didn't want the story to end.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Huck. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moved the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. For me, this was minor. If you want to "amp" this up, I might suggest adding description involving the 5 senses, especially smell. What does the church and hole smell like?
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: France
This was clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Huck
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to explore the enigma.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
NAME
For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
Yes - Aubrey/McKenna
THE STORY
Aubrey is kidnapped in England and held against her will.
WHAT I LIKED
The storyline had me on the edge of my seat. The author built the suspense well.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by "Aubrey." Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Sit," he said, pushing me down onto the mattress.
MY SUGGESTION: He shoved me down onto the mattress. "Sit."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. For me, this was minor. If you want to "amp" this up, I might suggest adding description involving the 5 senses, especially smell. What does the room smell like? What does he smell Reid smell like? Day old cigarettes and booze?
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: England
This was clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Aubrey
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to escape from Reid.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader, and the story had me biting my nails. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
NAME
For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
No
THE STORY
A girl takes off on vacation to explore England.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the character's emotion and enuthasim.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's no dialogue.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest adding a stragetic sentence or two focusing on the 5 senses, smell would be a good one.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: England
This is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Unnarmed narrator
There's enough here to understand hed motivations. She wants to go on vacation and chooses England, gaving a grand adventure.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any punctuation mistakes. I might suggest a minor spelling edit.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening interests the reader. If anything, I might suggest not using "I" to start too many sentences in a row. Switch it up a little. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
NAME
For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
Yes - Elizabeth Dawson, found in the title only
THE STORY
Elizabeth accompanies her friend Julia to Australia.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the journey the character takes.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Elizabeth. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's no dialogue.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest adding a stragetic sentence or two focusing on the 5 senses, smell would be a good one.
SETTING
TIME: early 1900's
PLACE: Australia
This is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Elizabeth
There's enough here to understand his motivations. She wants to help her friend.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. I would suggest spelling out "okay" in manuscript writing. It's okay to use "ok" in journalistic writing, but most professional editors want to see it spelled out.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening interests the reader. I might suggest spacing between paragraphs on Writing.com to make it easier on the reader's eyes. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
NAME
For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
No
THE STORY
The main character takes off to Europe to find herself.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the opening. It caught my attention.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest adding a stragetic sentence or two focusing on the 5 senses, smell would be a good one.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: Europe
This is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Unnamed Narrator
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wanted to find herself.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Aidan is assigned to protect the Russian's ambassador's daughter.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the character voice.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Aidan. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that could be clarified a little better for the reader. I wasn't sure of the time or the place of the story.
CHARACTERS
Aidan
Aidan is assigned on a security detail. While this is a vignette, and I got a sense that Aidan is a very physcial, "hands-to-hands" combat body guard, I didn't get a good feel for what he expected to get out of the assignment.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. You use exclaimation points a lot which makes the story feel a little melodramaic.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. If anything, I think 16 might be too young for the situtation, making it a bit implausable. I might suggest making Aidan a little older so he have the time to gain the experience needed to give the character crediabilty. Perhaps 22 or 23? The opening draws the reader in using good character voice.
Write on!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
It's Christmas and Carrie and Tom, residents at the senior home are preparing for the holidays.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed the heartwarming friendship between Carrie and Tom. They know where they're at in life, they accept the challenges and face them bravely.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Carrie. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward well.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might tap into the five senses, especially smell, during a Christmas story.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Carrie
There's enough here to understand her motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader and keeps them reading. The ending is a bit a surprise - and unlikely Christmas Miracle. I love how the ending tied into the title. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the SOYB contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
It's Christmas, but Angelique's fiance must fight the invaders, leaving her alone and worried for him.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the hope the story offered. The ending was heartwarming.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the narration forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the 5 senses. I'd love to know how Christmas smells for Angelique. You don't need a lot, just a stragetic sentence peppered into the narration.
SETTING
TIME: England 1765
PLACE: Kensington
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Angelique
There's enough here to understand her motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader. There's one punctation mistake after "Angelique always made sure the candles0 were snuffed." I had a suggestion for this line as written: The petite maid said with a blushing smile. My suggestion: The petite maid offered a blushing smiles.
Overall, I loved the story and the ambience of romance and hope it captured.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Tracy has a bad experience with a Ogui board.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the plot. I could totally believe the ogui board had summoned an unwanted spirit.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Tracy. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There is no dialogue.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Tracy
I could totally feel her fear. The author did a good job bringing out Tracy's emotions.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for punctuation, spelling and grammar.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I might also space between paragraphs here on WDC to make it easier on the reader's eyes. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A couple is trying to sell their condo without using a realtor.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the comedic elements of the story. It kept me smiling. People never cease to surprise one.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by the male seller. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Husband/Wife
The characters are very likable and you can easily sympathize with them.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no real suggestions for improvement, if anything I would have loved to have seen this a little longer. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for THE SHOW OFF YOUR BEST CONTEST. Thanks for entering and thanks for your patience with me. My reviews are a tad late because I'm just getting back from vacation.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Dochia is posing as a man so she can be a soldier in the army and comes across an old flame.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the dialogue in the story. It moved well.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the 3rd person limited through Dochia's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "The scars are only months old, who did hurt you thus?" she asked, while she wiped his back with water and soap.
MY SUGGESTION: She wiped his back with water and soap. "The scars are only months old. Who hurt you?"
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest 1 or 2 sentences stragetically placed in the narration to heighten the descriptions. For example, is there a scent to Duncan's body that transends the stink which stirs the passion in Dochia's soul?
SETTING
TIME: historical
PLACE: historical city setting
This is something that was clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Dochia
While I understand her attraction to Duncan I needed to understand why she would pose as a soldier. That wasn't clear to me.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader. If anything, the plot seemed a bit a choppy throughtout the story and it was hard for me to follow. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Gabriel is on the hunt to kill the "evil" Slithadon.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed the creativity of the plot.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient from Gabriel's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might focus specifically on "settting" the battleground using the five senses to really create a solid imagine in the reader's mind where the fight is taking place.
SETTING
TIME: futuristic
PLACE: forest
This is something that could be clarified for the reader. Really paint the forest in the reader's mind.
CHARACTERS
Gabriel
There's enough here to understand his motivations. His mission is to kill the Slithadon.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for repeated words. For example "fluid grace" and "deadly grace" are used within sentences of each other. Try to vary it up.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening action intrigued me as a reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Michael and David are trying to find a cure for David's ailment.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the creativity of the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Past tense is used appropriately. I might tightened the point of view telling, and use one definative point of view.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I might suggest editing the dialogue for puncutation and quotation marks.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's just barely enough to set the scenes. This is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Michael
There's enough here to understand his motivation, he wants to save his friend from his ailment.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for choppy sentences and punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The intrigues the reader. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE POEM
This is poem expresses the freedom of love of which dreams allow a person.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the heartfelt expression of that rare love found and wanting to hang onto it forever.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with an AA/BB rythme scheme.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling or puncutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The meter flows very well and engages the reader. The poem itself is easy to understand and plays on the reader's heartstrings. Well done. A nice read.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Guilt racks Will's poor, tormented soul.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the character's introspection. It didn't linger, kept moving forward, driving the reader to keep up with it.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Will. . Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: cemetary
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Will
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's hurting after losing his wife.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The opening engages the reader and the ending brings home the meaning of the title. A very suspenseful read. Well done.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Mike wants to impress Katherine, but getting out on the ice skating rink takes a little courage.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed the setting. It worked perfectly in creating the romance between Mike and Katherine.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Mike. Good job with narration. I might suggest an edit for tense. It switches between present and past. I might suggest using past tense.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scene.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified enough for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Mike
There's enough here to understand his motivations. To impress Katherine, he'll brave the ice.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation, paying attention to punctutation in dialogue tags.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader using a good character voice.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Pascal and Savannah share a relaxing summer, but when school starts up, peer presure gets in the way of their budding relationship.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the plot. Very heartfelt. Love wins in the end.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Pascal. Good job with narration. The tense switches on occasion from past to present. I might suggest an edit for tense consistency recomminding using past tense.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags as well as puncutation in dialogue tags.
For example as written: "Hey, I'm really sorry I'm so late." She said.
My suggestion: "Hey, I'm really sorry I'm so late," she said.
Also, make the action a seperate sentence and not part of the dialogue. The action sentence will still identify the reader.
My suggestion: "That's really sweet, Pascal. You are definately the nicest guy I know. I love it." Savannah's voice was soft and sweet.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified enough for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Pascal
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He needs to work up the courage to ask Savannah out.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest an edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above.
Spell out the work "okay" in manuscript writing. It's okay in journalistic writing, but professional editors want to see it spelled out in manuscripts.
Watch out for repeative words. Toward the end "yeah" is used repeativity. Vary your word choices.
The opening engages the reader with good character voice.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE CONTEST
This is a monthly contest that encourages details to include characters and settings. The authors do the rest.
WHAT I LIKED
The contest inspires creativity.
THE RULES
The rules were clearly stated and easy to understand.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Good use of WDC ML. If anything I might suggest using a graphic to set the mood/tone for the contest. I liked that it was an active community event.
This review is given for the Best of the Rest Contest. Forgive my tardiness with this contest. The last half of the year just ran away from me. Thank you so much for entering and Good luck!
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My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
WHAT I LIKED
WHAT I LIKED
