 THE STORY
A tramatized woman can't escape from what haunts her.
 WHAT I LIKED
I liked "spin" of the story. It put the Easter story on it's head, so to speak. Nice twist.
 POV NARRATION/TENSE
The narration skips between characters without line breaks. This is known as a "Lonesome Dove" perspective after the famous novel. While the romance genre is generally forgiving of this type of narration, most readers find it disconcerting to be mulitple characters heads without a break. I would suggestion picking one narrator, Marie perhaps, who seems to be stronger narrator in the story. You could use first person or third, but I think she would be the best. The surprise she would portray upon finding out Jude's identity would be authentic and real to the reader.
Past tense is used appropriately.
THE BEGINNING
I would suggest starting with action. Perhaps you could have Marie's eyes watch the hail from a window and then note Becky trying to hide from the hail. Starting with action, draws readers in and keeps their attention. By starting with an "info dump" on Becky's background, you don't compell the reader enough to keep reading. Consider - is this stuff we need to know about Becky RIGHT NOW? Not really, you can reveal this a little later on the story once we meet Becky and get to know her through Marie.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward. Try to use "he said" or "she replied" in dialogue tags. Words like "stated" aren't needed. Dialogue tags should be invisible and if you have to identify the reader use said, replied, or asked.
CHARACTERS
Becky, Marie, Jude
Becky and Marie are the strongest. I liked Jude, but I didn't like how he came into the story - it was too contrived. He's a pivtol character and deserves a better way to be worked in. Maybe Becky could have been following him? Or maybe she found a postcard with an Austin address? Jude's introduction into the story has to be believable to the reader.
Becky is a mess, and it is understandable why, but she's almost too much a mess. Her memory loss, will plausable, doesn't work because it feels inconsistent to the reader.
I might suggest, when you go back for your edit, to make character bios of the above three characters and just get to know them a little better. If you're telling a short story, you really only need to develop and work with these three characters.
DESCRIPTIONS
You have enough to set the place, but this is something you can expand on. Is it modern day? Is there a tie-in with the VT massacre that happened? Is that why Jude left? How does Becky feel? As raw as sulfur? Tap into the five senses to expand on the emotions of Becky and Marie. You could also use metaphorical descriptions if you feel up to the challenge. Does Marie's heart break like the Lord's cross at Becky's plight? Thoughts only.
MECHANICS
I might suggest a minor edit for spelling/punctutation. Also, watch out for repeative words. Replace those words which are repeative and close to each other. For Example, as written:“Mark, I was going to call you. I just didn’t want to disturb you while you were busy with the church. I found a girl outside the church." The word church is repeative. I might suggest: "Mark, I was just going to call you. I found a girl outside the church." (Do we really need to know he was busy with church stuff?)
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. Also, on WDC, this was hard to read because there were no spaces between the lines. I had to squint my eyes. You might want to space between paragraphs here on WDC for the reader. I think the story has GREAT potential, especially with Jude who he is, and this is a decent first draft. The plot of the story is good. With an edit to work out some of the character and consistency issues, I think this story will shine.
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My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
