The narrator learns to "let go," after the death of a friend.
WHAT I LIKED
This was a good, poignant, emotional read.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person from the narrator's perspective. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
Moves the plot forward. Well done.
DESCRIPTIONS
Good descriptions. One thing I'm always on the look for is the use of adverbs. Overdone, adverbs can weigh down a piece. What a LOVED here is how you've used adverbs EFFECTIVELY. "He smiled weakly," was perfect and described not only Michael's expression, but helped the reader to draw upon emotion.
CHARACTERS
Narrator
The narrator immediately draws on the author's emotions with phrases like "taste the pain," and "the cold month of December." The narrator is sad to lose a friend and that comes across well.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any punctuation mistakes. There's one spelling mistakes, "ever" for "every." There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. A good piece that draws on emotion well.
A detective and his wife go on vacation and themselves in the middle of a mystery when their camping neigbor is found dead.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the author's writing style. The story was easy to read and follow along. The clues to mystery unfolded in an orderly fashion.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Aggie, the detective's wife. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
CHARACTERS
While Aggie is the storyteller, it's her husband, Buddy who is the main character. He's a very likable guy and proves himself oh, so human, when he admits to having an affair with his partner. (before he was married to Aggie.)
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scene, but this definately something the author can expand on. By tapping into the five senses just a wee bit more will allow the reader to visualize the surroundings.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The story moves well and keeps the reader engaged.
Set in Chicago, Lou Ryan is a private eye who promises to help a friend when that friend lets his own client down.
WHAT I LIKED
The author did a fantastic establishing the character's voice and capturing the feel for the time in which the story is set.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Lou. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
CHARACTERS
Lou (main).
Lou is likable detective. He's smart and brave, but his attitude towards Gloria is a just a wee-bit sexist without being over the top.
DESCRIPTIONS
Even though the descriptions were on the thin side for me, the author did a great establishing time, place, and setting with them. This is something that can be expanded on. I loved the description about "getting his fedora in a crunch."
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes, however I might suggest an edit for punctuation. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I loved the pacing of the story. The story was easy to read and follow.
A webpage dedicated to celebrating Earth Day which is 22 APR.
WHAT I LIKED
I love how kiyasama expresses herself in her graphics. They are warm and welcoming. The webpage hosts some wonderful links to other WDC members static items which discuss Earth day. It's an interactive page and a great way to celebrate our appreciation of the Earth.
MECHANICS
I did not spot and spelling/punctuation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
Holly finds a fairy who is in charge of making the snow fall .
WHAT I LIKED
A very sweet, nice story. It warmed my heart.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited from Holly's perspective.Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the plot forward.
CHARACTERS
Holly
Holly's character is wonderfully captured in this short. She's very real to me - especially in the fact that she wants to keep the snow fairy, even though that's not a wise thing after the fairy heals.
DESCRIPTIONS
Good descriptions. They set the scene. Crisp and sharp.
MECHANICS
I did not spot and spelling/punctuation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I'm not sure of the word count on this, but I would recommend submitting the story to the 77th Writer's Digest writing competition under the children's category. It's a wonderful story for kids.
A historical look at Mary, Queen of Scots on her last day.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the emotion the poem draws out of the reader. That's what drama is all about.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no apparent rythme scheme. There is no established meter.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
My only suggestion would be to mention either Mary or Elizabeth in the body of the poem to let the reader know definatively who the poem is about. I know you mention it in the by-line, but I was thinking, the subject of the poem could easy be misinterpted as Marie Antoinette. You painted the scene of the poem well. Keep writing.
The biography appears well researched and accurate. I liked the more "in depth" peek into his early life and his influences. It helped to get to know him better. I especially liked how he swore off alcohol when it came to wanting to be with the woman he wanted to be with. That takes a lot of conviction.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. My only suggestion here would be to take out the narrator's comentary in most places. It was kind of distracting to me. Suggestion only. Past tense is used appropriately.
SETTING/DESCRIPTIONS
The descriptions help to set the scene of the story. I really got a feel for the time and place in which Custer grew up in. The author did a good job here.
MECHANICS
I might suggest a minor edit for punctutation. I did not spot any spelling mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
BODY OF WORK
The story starts off with an overview of Custer's early life including his parents and family and takes the reader through his early years in an orderly fashion - a must for historical drama.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. Also, the end leaves the reader anxiously waiting part two. I'd love to read the rest of Custer's biography as soon as you add to it. Keep writing.
Hello, this is StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Review.
THE STORY
Ravi tries to impress a girl, but finds out she's "unimpressionable."
WHAT I LIKED
Great title. It's very interesting and very true when it comes to love.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited mainly from Ravi's perspective. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's not much dialogue. The story is mostly narration. The dialogue used to highlight moments in the narration.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
These paragraphs have great description in them, but I might suggest incorporating some action or some dialogue in them to draw the reader into the story immediately.
CHARACTERS
Ravi, (main)
Ravi is a nice guy who's a little shy and that makes him sweet and likable.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes of the story. If anything, you could expand on this by tapping into the five senses.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The ending was "spot on," and fit the title of the story well. The entry followed the prompt (romance) and the word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest!
Hello, this is StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Review.
THE STORY
Connor and the narrator admit their true feelings for each other.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the author did a good job capturing that awkward moment between a young man and woman where they move past childhood crushes to a more mature love.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by the narrator. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I might suggest not putting in action with the dialogue tag. Most professional editors would also caution against it. Make the action a separate sentence.
For example: Connor flashed me that dazzling smile of his I'd come to adore. "I really wanted that granola bar you know."
I also suggest using he said or she replied, only to establish who is talking when it might be confusing.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
The first 3 paragraphs set the time/place well, but I might suggest adding some action to it to draw the reader in. Perhaps they're racing down the beach? Searching for starfish on the rocks at the beach?
CHARACTERS
Connor, narrator (main)
Both have their own distinct personalities and are very likable.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to allow the reader to picture the story in their mind. If you wanted, you could probably expand on describing the beach. Is the sun setting? Is there sea salt in the air? Is there a bonfire or a clam bake? By adding subtle description such as that, it will help augment the romantic scene you're painting with words.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I liked the setting of the beach. The entry followed the prompt (romance) and the word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest!
Hello, it's StephBee with a Best of the Rest Review.
THE FORUM
The forum plays host the author's dialogue contest.
WHAT I LIKED
It's a great tool that aspiring writers can you use to taken advantage of and hone their dialogue skills.
RULES
The rules were clearly stated and easy to understand.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes in the introduction.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Good use of graphics and WDC ML. It's a dynamic contest that's very active on the site. Good luck in the Best of the Rest contest.
Two friends talk about "what-if" their relationship had taken a different turn.
WHAT I LIKED
The dialogue captures a lot of emotions, especially on Orin's part.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue is sharp, witty, and modern. It's easy to understand and carries the script well.
CHARACTERS
Orin, Sasha
Each character is distinct and the reader can identify with both.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The stage directions weren't overwhelming, allowing the dialogue and characters to shine. A great example of a one act play.
The folder contains the author's short stories and writing projects.
WHAT I LIKED
The folder is neat and organized.
INTRODUCTION
The introductions sets the purpose of the folder for the reader, but I might suggest using a graphic to set the tone for the reader. Just a suggestion, nothing more.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The folder has several stories in it. I read "The Pen" and liked it.
These are the last lines of the chapter. The chapter isn't listed in full. Under static item description I might use "sample" instead of chapter. Just a suggestion.
WHAT I LIKED
Well, it definitely has a cliffhanger ending that makes you want to go on to chapter two.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited. Since it's a sample it's hard to know which person the perspective is in. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialouge "Now who shall cry for me, she said". ends the chapter. I might suggest putting the quotes after the comma and not after said.
DESCRIPTIONS
I thought the descriptions were okay for the sample, I knew they were at a cliff and the woman was clearly unnerved by her body language.
CHARACTERS
Again, since this is limited, it's hard to know if throwing the baby off the cliff was a good thing or a bad thing, however it implies a bad thing has happened.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Again, I think you've got a good cliffhanger ending. You might consider posting the entire chapter.
The folder contains the author's poetry that has been written for contests.
WHAT I LIKED
The folder is well organized and neat.
INTRODUCTION
The introduction is simple and defines the folder. If anything, I might suggest a graphic or using some WDC ML to set the "tone" of the folder. A graphic would make it more eye-catching to readers. Just a suggestion, nothing more.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes in the introduction.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. There are several items in the folder and it's well used.
When Bill discovers that Jack is dead, he also discovers that Jack's been hording mail.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed the dialogue. It was very engaging. The start of the story was great. It grabbed my attention and the story held it throughout.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Bill's perspective. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward. The dialogue is the strongest aspect of the story
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scene. If anything, you could probably expand on this a little.
CHARACTERS
Bill, Jack
Bill is concerned about Jack. When he discovers that Jack is dead, he's hurt. Jack appears like a nice guy, but those who discover he's dead don't understand why he horded so much mail. The flashback explains a lot. I liked the characterization in this story. Bill, and even Jack, felt vital and alive to me.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
There's no easy way to fit the flashback in. Have you thought about opening the story with Jack sitting surrounded by a pile of his mail, remembering his wife, and then having the heart attack? You could do a switch to Bill discovering he's missing. Or maybe Bill can find a journal entry at the end of the story revealing the reason for Jack hording the mail? I think you've got a very interesting story, my only suggestion would try to make the events of the story a little more liner.
A young girl defends her brother when he gets teased for helping her out.
WHAT I LIKED
Emmy and her brother were so sweet with each other. Good characterization.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from the brother's perspective. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scene. If anything, you could probably expand on this a little.
CHARACTERS
Emmy, Brother
I think you might have mentioned the brother's name, once, but I didn't mark it. If anything, I would mention it early in the story, maybe where Emmy says, "My doll won't dance."
The characters were very rich. I could identify with Emmy's frustration and her brother's need to help. How Emmy dealt with the bullies was so rewarding to me as a reader. Your characterization here is great.
MECHANICS
If anything, I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. Put the punctuation marks inside quotes. Example, as written: "...but I won't let her".
My suggestion: "...but I wouldn't let her."
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. A heartwarming read.
The sample is a plot outline of the author's fantasy work about the Zelkaven Sword.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the outline was well thought out and framed the story well.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The plot does appear similar to "Lord of the Rings," so I would caution as you start, not to follow the plot of "LOTR," but to make the work your own.
The folder contains the author's short stories and essays here on WDC.
WHAT I LIKED
The folder helps to organize the author's port. The content within the folder is appropriate.
INTRODUCTION
The intro describes the intent of the folder. If anything, you could jazz it up using WDC ML or by using a graphic to set the tone of the folder. Suggestions only.
MECHANICS
I might suggest checking the spelling on "preffered" and make the "r" a capital where you've written "reviews are appreciated."
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. Good organization. I'd love to see more content added as you continue here on WDC.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox review.
THE STORY
A young girl tells about her struggles with anorexia.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the use of the disclaimer. I also thought this was a very well thought out story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person mainly from Jessica's perspective. Good job with narration. I might suggest using the past tense. Most editors encourage it and it's not so disconcerting to the reader.
CHARACTERS
Jessica, (main)
Jessica suffers from something the reader wants her to overcome. She's very sympathetic in that regard.
DIALOGUE
There's just a little bit, but it fit with the topic of the story.
DESCRIPTIONS
This is a category you could easily expand on. I don't know much about anorexia. Why does their hair get soft? What does it fell physically? The self description in the mirror is a place were you can really elaborate on and draw the reader in.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. Also, I thought the story moved a bit too fast. I think if you slow it down a little, the reader can come away with a more profound sense of what it's like to have anorexia. The story fit the prompt (medical). The word count was not listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest!
Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox review.
THE SCRIPT
The script tells a comical story of several pirates, focusing on Pirate John's adventures.
WHAT I LIKED
It made me laugh. I could see this script being acted out. It was easy to read.
STRUCTURE
There was a cast of character listed. The stage directions were off set by italics.
CHARACTERS
The characters were interesting and entertaining. They were very likable.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue was realistic to the characters.
MECHANICS
If anything, I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. The ellipses could be replaced with periods. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestion as mentioned above. Again, very entertaining. The script fit the prompt (drama). The word count was not listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest!
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