Hello, it's StephBee with a Parable/Fable Challenge Review.
Thank you for entering my parable/fable challenge in the April 25th Newsletter.
THE STORY
Grandma had led a full life, but soon it was her turn to face death.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the recap of Grandma's life. I really felt like I was there, sharing the memories.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is written in the first person. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. After reading this, I took away the thought that "we're not alone, even in death." It was a very sad, yet hopeful ending.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE CHAPTER
Athenais finds out a member of her crew has been hiding a secret that is relevant to the colonist's plans.
WHAT I LIKED
This chapter had a good, natural flow to it. There's a lot of rich characterization that I enjoyed.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person. The first part is mainly from Athenais's perspective, the second part is from Fairy's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a nice blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward well.
CHARACTERS
Athenais, (main) her crew (supporting)
We get to know a little bit of Athenais's crew and while we only get a brief snapshot, there's enough given so you get the feel for the character. Athenais is given further layers as she questions her crew and discovers her first mate isn't quite who she thought he was.
The characterization really takes off in this chapter. I enjoyed meeting all the characters in this chapter.
SHOW & TELL
I really felt like I was being shown the story. The only note I have is that when Fairy tells Foot about Ragnar, it's repeated info for the reader. While his reaction is important, and new to the reader, I don't know if you have to repeat the info again. Not quite how to solve it, except to say, Fairy told Foot about Athenais and then go into showing the reader his reaction.
DESCRIPTIONS
While there's enough to set the time/place, I might suggest incorporating a little more. You don't have to overpower, but paint your world with a little more. I did like the fact you worked in how goat stunk!
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. The chapter is well presented.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. One thing I do like is that the story is very readable given the fact it's a futuristic setting. You don't have to have a great knowledge of the future to read and I like that. I thought this was a good follow to chapter one. Moving on to 3.
This is an article about the plague which hit Europe in the 1300's and the effects it had on the world at the time.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved how the article read. It was easy to read and easy to understand. It wasn't dry and it held my interest.
CONTENT{/b]
I thought the article gave a good, comprehensive overview of the the effects of the plague. It was well researched and research links were also provided.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. Technically, the article is well presented.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I really enjoyed reading this.
The article has been awarded a 25K ribbon for which it is very deserving.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE CHAPTER
Athenais finds herself face to face with with three colonists who want to bring down the downfall of Utopia.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the voice of the chapter. It was very distinctive and real. It brought a sense of authencity to the time/setting.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Atheniais's perspective. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There was a good balance of dialogue and narration. The dialogue had a nice natural feel to it and moved the story forward well.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
If anything, I thought this was a slow start to the chapter. Athenais is drinking at a bar, mulling over her thoughts. While the narration captures Athenais's voice well, it just seemed slow. I might suggest having the three colonists walk in right away with Athenais checking them out as they approach the bar. I think the background info given before then could be weaved into the story after that.
CHARACTERIZATION
Athenais (main), Giggles, Paul, Morgan, Stuart (supporting)
Athenais has a complicated background and comes across a bit of an antihero. There's a lot of rich, complex layers to her. The characterization for her is off to a good start. The supporting cast is each interesting in their own. The characterization is the best part of the chapter.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the time/place of the story. If you wanted to expand on it you could? What did the bar smell like? The colonists? I know these are probably trivial, but would expand it well.
SHOW & TELL
After the slow start to the beginning, the "show" part of the chapter is well done and it's easy to get into the story.
MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. Technically, the chapter is well presented.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. There's a good transititional hook to the next chapter at the end of this one. I thought the story was very interesting and it wasn't bogged down by the futuristic setting.
A mother starts off her day like any other, but when she goes to check the mail, she gets the surprise of her life!
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the hook at the end of the chapter. It had what it took to pique my interest and want to read chapter two. Well done.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited mainly by Sarah's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
I thought the dialogue was very realistic of a mother dealing with young daughters. The dialogue toward the end of the chapter moved the story forward.
CHARACTERS
Sarah (main) daughters (supporting)
I thought you were off to a good start with characterization. Sarah appeared Sarah as she remembered Robin. She was also very interested and active in her daughters' lives. The whole mystery about Robin was just enough to keep the reader interested. As continue with future chapters, you have a good foundation to build on.
SHOW & TELL
If anything, I thought you could do just a little more of it. The first paragraph is like an info dump where the reader is told what's going on. Start off with alarm buzzing, Sarah lunging for it. Have her mildly curse, rub her eyes, realize it's 27 Aug and that it's a school day. Then you can go into her active toughts about her daughters.
DESCRIPTIONS
I thought there was enough to set the scene. If anything, touch on the five scenes when trying to describe Sarah's surrounding. What did the kitchen smell like? Using the five scenes always enhances description.
Also, in the 1st paragraph is an info dump on Sarah's description. While needed, try to work it in more naturally. Have Sarah look in the mirror, or have her daughter comment on her "frizzy blonde hair," that needs a pick.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. Overall, I thought the opening chapter was a good length, and established likeable characters, and offered up a good, mysterious hook to keep the reader reading.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE POEM
A lesson in humility.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the theme of the poem. I liked how the author used the metaphor of a "pirate" to give the poem the feel of a scoundrel and then drove the moral of the poem home in the end. Two thumbs up!
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no apparent rythme scheme. There is no established meter.
SOUND & MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes, however I might an edit for punctutation.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestion as mentioned above. Good use of metaphors!
While I haven't had a chance to just let go in the rain in quite a while, I really connected with this poem because I remember the thunderstorms back home in NH and how just a good rain seemed to wash the sadness away I had at the moment.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no apparent rythme scheme. There is no established meter.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The poem taps into emotion well. I especially liked the last stanza and the effect the rain had on the narrator.
A mother and son encounter a homeless person at the local Wal-Mart.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the gritty, real "feel" of the story. This is something that happens to everyday people.
DIALOGUE
The story is completely in dialogue since it was written for a dialogue contest. I liked the words and structure of the dialogue, I thought it was very real and natural. I thought the dialogue did a fantastic job of caputuring emotion, however, I thought there were too many exclamation marks. It's nit picky of me I suppose, but I thought the people who were talking were always yelling because of the exclaimation marks, and I know that's not the case in real life.
CHARACTERS
Mother, Son, Homeless man
The author does a wonderful job in making the characters feel real despite using just dialogue.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes, but I would suggest an edit to take out most of the exclamation marks.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
My suggestion is more "mechanical" in nature. The theme of the story is well done, and the dialogue is very effective.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE STORY
A man wakes up and discovers the leaders of an alternate universe need his help to bring peace.
WHAT I LIKED
Great character voice. I thought the genres listed were very appropriate to the story that was told.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by the narrator. Good job with POV narration. The present tense is used here, which can be disconcerting for readers. I might suggest using the past tense.
DIALOGUE
There's a nice blend of narration and dialogue. The dialogue moves the story forward.
CHARACTERS
Narrator, Mura and the great council
The narrator first comes across as a guy stuck in a bad cliched story, but he rolls with the punches and by the end of the story he makes up his own mind. He's not perfect, but he is a well rounded character.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
It's a descent start to the story. I wanted to read on.
MECHANICS & SOUND
I might suggest an edit for spelling/punctuation.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I liked the use of "theme" in the story.
There's a lot of beauty to be found in the world, even in everyday things. I loved the visual of fairies and fireflies on a moonlit dance. Nice word play.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with the 1st and 2nd and 3rd and 4th lines rythming in each stanza. The meter is rhythmic and lulling.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. Good use of punctutation throughout.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I really felt the author's passion for art.
Hello, it's StephBee with a review for the Bard's Hall Contest.
THE POEM
The poem is based on the parable of "The Prodigal Son."
WHAT I LIKED
This was a nice, easy reading poem. It followed the parable well.
STRUCTURE
This is a sonnet with a ABAB/CDCD/EFEF/GG rythme scheme.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The poem did not followed the contest guidelines. While it was a sonnet, it did not focus on nature. It's very well written and I enjoyed it just the same.
Hello, it's StephBee with a review for the Bard's Hall Contest.
THE POEM
A beautiful description of nature that inspires more.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the author effortlessly combined the description of a lulling nature scene along with a peaceful sense of emotion.
STRUCTURE
This is a sonnet more in the Italian style of a sonnet.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I liked the punctuation in the sonnet.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The poem followed the contest guidelines. (It was a sonnet and dealt with nature.) As the title implies, it touches upon spirituality in a way that moves the reader.
Hello, it's StephBee with a review for the Bard's Hall Contest
THE POEM
A wonderful visual of a queen having tea with a bird and a tree.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the poem told a story. I loved the ending couplet where it was revealed who the queen was.
STRUCTURE
This is a double sonnet with a AABB, CCDD, EEFF, GG rhythm scheme. The meter is nice and rhythmic.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest using a bit more punctuation to establish the sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The sonnet takes place as the tea party admires nature. The poem follows the prompt of the contest. (in nature and a sonnet)
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE FOLDER
The folder contains the author's chapters to her story, "The Witch's Diary."
WHAT I LIKED
The folder is well organized, and easy to go through without getting lost.
INTRODUCTION & MECHANICS
If anything, and I suppose this is a matter of style, I might using a graphic or some WDC ML in the introduction to set a "tone" for the following story the reader is going to read. I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes in the introduction.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. A good, compact folder.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE CHAPTER
Melissa reads Rebecca's diary and is stunned by what she discovers.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was a great follow-up chapter to chapter one. It held my attention throughout.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Melissa's perspective. Good job with POV Narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue is appropriate and moves the story forward in a logical manner.
DESCRIPTIONS
Again, I loved the descriptions used here. I can picture the house Rebecca lived in and the monster she has to deal with. Also, what I liked about the descriptions was the fact that there wasn't a lot, but there was enough to paint the scene in an effective manner.
Again, I loved the tie-in with lilacs. It engages the reader and makes them believe.
CHARACTERS
Melissa, (main) Rebecca, monster
Through the diary entries I really got a feel for Rebecca. I liked how the author ties in the fact Rebecca might be a little pyschic and how that helps to augment her "witchiness" in a very plausable, realistic way.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
I liked the action used to start the chapter off. Again, it engages the reader.
MECHANICS
While I didn't spot any spelling mistakes, I might suggest an edit for punctuation. Also, you don't need to bold Rebecca's entries. I supose you could use italics if you wanted to offset it, but I don't think it's needed.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I like the plot/pacing of the story. I'm anxious to know what happens next. Two thumbs up.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE CHAPTER
Melissa finds a witch's diary when she is forced to go into an abandoned house to get out of the rain.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the creativity behind the premise of the story. I thought it was very original. I also felt this was a strong opening chapter. After reading it, I wanted to read more.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Melissa's perspective. Good job with POV Narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue is appropriate and moves the story forward in a logical manner.
DESCRIPTIONS
I loved the descriptions used in the chapter. I liked, "dirty mouse chewed carpet," and the use of the lilics. It really helped me to visualize the setting of the story. Two thumbs up here.
CHARACTERS
Melissa, (main)
The reader gets to know Melissa as a kind, caring, inquistive person here. I like how the focus is on her. It doesn't overpower the reader. Good developing characterization here.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
I liked the action of the rain falling down on the windshield. It grabbed my attention.
MECHANICS
Most of my suggestions would be toward mechanics. Watch your puncutation. For example:
"Sorry, buddy." she said.
I would suggest: "Sorry, buddy," she said.
"This just keeps getting better and better!" she muttered.
My note: use a comma here, she's muttering, not shouting.
As written: "...but the phone had absolutely no signal..."
My comment: Take out absolutely. The sentence is still effective without it.
Notes: Try not to use too many exclaimation points - it tends to add melodrama where you might not need it.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. Again, it's a good, intriguing opening chapter to the story.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE STORY
Alex is new in town and Jake goes out of the way to make him feel welcomed.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was a very sweet, heartwarming story. It touched on a lot of emotions with a slight hand.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Jake. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used mostly used. Watch out for an occasional slip into present tense. Example:
"At sixteen, she is alsmost exactly..."
Should be: "At sixteen, she was almost..."
DIALOGUE
The dialogue is appropriate and moves the story forward in a logical manner.
DESCRIPTIONS
I thought there were enough descriptions to establish the place, time, and setting.
CHARACTERS
Alex, Jake
Jake and Alex are young teenagers, trying to get used to the changes around them. Both are well rounded. I understood Alex's hestiancy to accept Jake's friendship.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
It's a descent start that works simply because the narrator is musing about something interesting. I might suggest starting off with some action - perhaps Jake is walking over to the lot, determined to meet him? While it may seem to play like this, focus on the action of the walking first, then go into Jake's thoughts.
MECHANICS
I would suggest an edit for spelling and punctuation. Use commas in dialogue tags. For example, as written:
"Bye" He said.
Should be: "Bye," he said.
Spell out "okay" in manuscript writing.
Use contractions in dialogue to make it sound natural.
Example, as written: "I was just...actually it is cool."
My suggestion: "I was just...actually, it's cool."
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I have a note by "It turned out that Alex lived only two houses away," that says, "How does Jake know where Alex lives." I would clarify this as it appears to be a consistancy mistake.
I might also suggest spacing between the paragraphs here on WDC because it's hard on the reader's eyes when you don't.
A solider in the future meets the woman he's going to marry.
WHAT I LIKED
The author did a good job explaining the futuristic world and what it was like. A good imagititive read.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person. Good job with narration. However the story alternates between past and present tense. I might suggest just using past tense to tell the story. Present tense can be a bit disconcerting to readers.
DESCRIPTIONS
I thought the descriptions were enough to paint the setting of the story. If anything, I think I, as a reader, would have enjoyed a few more, especially those descriptions which use the senses.
CHARACTERS
I enjoyed the main characters. I loved Shepard. His voice was unique and engaging. He told the story well. He almost reminded me of "Titus Pullo" from the HBO series, "Rome," a good natured man who was always getting in trouble.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest an edit for puncutation. I might also suggest spacing between paragraphs here on WDC. It's hard on the reader's eyes if you don't.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. A fun story.
Keep writing.
Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
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THE STORY
WHAT I LIKED
and by the end of the story he makes up his own mind. He's not perfect, but he is a well rounded character. 
