 THE STORY
The narrator retells a story where traveled to Michigan with a friend to see the friend's girlfriend. When she rejects them, they head back to their home state on the kindness of strangers.
 WHAT I LIKED
I liked some of the descriptive passages used in the story. For example: traffic trickled on this lonely interstate. Passages like that made me feel I was sharing the adventure with them.
 POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person. Good job staying in perspective. I might suggest an edit for tense. There were times when it jumped around to present tense. Most editors highly suggest writing in the past tense. For example, as written: "I have chosen to take the lead... would be better off as "I had chosen to take the lead."
DIALOGUE
The dialogue moves the story forward.
CHARACTERS
Narrator, Allen
It's hard to get a feelings for them. I got the impression they were in their late teens, maybe early twenties and they started their trek out of love. As they go home their adventure runs foul of a hedgehog and Limburger cheese. I think the main culprit here is the choppy sentences. I think if they were smoothed out, the story would have more of a friendly feel to it. (see below for mechanics.)
MECHANICS
I might suggest a minor edit for spelling mistakes, i.e, "guest," for "guessed," and a minor edit for punctuation mistakes, i.e, put punctuation inside quotes. For example, as written: "It's kind of late, long walk, these guys would like to go to bed". My suggestion: "It's kind of late and we all had a long walk. These guys would to go to bed. I'll crash on the couch."
I think the author is going for a style with the use of choppy sentences, but for me, as a reader, it was hard to get a grip on the story and characters, so I would suggest smoothing them out a little and giving them a conversational tone so the reader feels like they are taking the the journey with the narrator. For example, here's the first paragraph as written with choppy sentences:
A warm June morning, a brisk walk with my best friend, his heart a state away as I joined his journey, sometimes it's better to let a friend do his own thing. School now over, my own path unsure, my health failed the army screening; the return from Michigan not filled with fanfare.
My suggestion: School was over and my friend, Allen, wanted to go to Michigan to see his girl. I didn't think it was the best thing for him to do, but I understood that sometimes a guy has to do his own thing so I decided I'd go with him - just to keep him out of trouble. Besides, I had nothing else on my plate. I failed the army screening test and I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do with my life. It was a warm June morning when we set out with high hopes and sense of adventure.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I'd love to rate the story higher if the author does an edit. I think there's a foundation for a great story, but it needs to be smoothed out a little bit.
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