Hello, it's StephBee with a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Review.
THE STORY
A man meets a woman in his dream.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the story captured the spirit of romance well.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from the man's perspective. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
1ST 3 PARAGRAPHS
I liked the subtle intrigue of the opening. It kept me reading.
DIALOGUE
There was no dialogue in the story.
CHARACTERS
Man & woman
What I liked about the characterization is the dreamy quality it had - an excellent compliment to the dream itself.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. One phrase didn't ring true to me and that was "on the comer," and I might suggest using another expression or description for it. It just seemed awkward to me.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I thought the plot was well thought out and the pacing was appropriate. This was a nice, romantic vignette.
This was entered into the Show Off Your Best Contest for Feb. 2007. It fit the prompt (romance) well. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules.
This reads like an excerpt from a newspaper as it recounts the death of a famous Hollywood director.
WHAT I LIKED
This story reminded me of the drama that's going on with the Anna Nicole story currently. I thought it was well written and played those more sensational elements of people who are "larger than life."
MECHANICS
I did not spot and spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I think this could be expanded into a good murder mystery story.
A young girl learns that winning isn't everything.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the girl learns her lesson. Amy was a very sweet character.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Laurel. Good job with POV Narration. Past tense is used effectively.
DIALOGUE
I thought the dialogue was realistic.
[b}CHARACTERS
Amy and Laurel
Both were easy to relate to. I really idenified with Amy who went the extra mile to reach out to Laurel.
Laurel is a bit bratty to begin with, but by the end of the story, you can see how Amy has touched her life in a positive way.
MECHANICS
I did not spot and spelling/punctutation mistakes. I might suggest watching out for repetation in sentences. For example, as written: "I hated her for that, and informed her of that." I might suggest: "I hated her for that and told her so."
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as noted above. I might also suggest spacing between paragraphs here on WDC to make it easier on the reader's eyes. I liked how the story told a message, but not in a "preachy" way.
This poem was contemplative of certain actions a person can make.
WHAT I LIKED
The poem starts on a down note but ends on a high note, inspiring hope and bringing out courage. I liked how it looked a choice and decided it was the wrong one.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem and while there are rhymes, there is no scheme. I found the meter rhythmic and lulling.
MECHANICS
I did not spot and spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Expressive.
I thought this was a wonderful testiment to love. It was very positive and upbeat.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no apparent ryhme scheme. I might suggest spiliting the poem into stanzas as the poem progresses. Show us the visual progression as well.
MECHANICS
I did not spot and spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestion as noted above. It is an endearing love poem.
The author fleshes out an idea for a novel she'd like to write.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was a good exercise in helping to flesh out novel. It brainstorms characters and plot, and while the plot isn't clearly established, I could the author had a clear idea of the type of story she'd like to tell. This would be a good read for those beginning authors who want to tackle novel writing.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
As far the techincal aspects as to how this piece is presented, I have no suggestions for improvement. As to the idea or the plot presented, I would offer this suggestion.
Usually readers are willing to suspend belief on one major plot element. For fantasy novels, most are willing to believe in magic. When you have strong fanstay like Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, backed up by rich characterizations, readers are willing to suspend more. On Science Fiction, usually though, they are only willing to suspend the one major plot element. That said, the author will have to focus on the aspect of time travel to make the story work. That will have to developed to a believeable degree of workability so the reader will believe it.
This is a small scene/excerpt from the author of a woman running from something.
WHAT I LIKED
There's a good blend of action and emotional content here. The woman is upset, confused, and yet finds the strength to confront her fears. While short, I liked how the author tapped into the anxiousness of the character.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the 3rd person by the woman. POV Narration stays on track. Past tense is used appropriately.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest an edit for punctutation. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestion as noted above. I liked what I took away from this: "Face Your Fears." It's not an easy thing to do, but it is "real life" and something people have to do on a daily basis.
The author takes a walk through several romantic spots, lamenting her own lack of a romantic life.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the introspection here. I thought the author did a great job tapping into emotions and fleshing out the question we ask at one point or another - "What is love? What does it mean to have that significant other in our lives?"
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by the author. Past tense is used effectively.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling or puncutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I enjoyed the ending and how the author came to their conculsions. I also thought the ending was hopeful and inspirational.
A soldier writes about a battle he's been in (from World War I).
WHAT I LIKED
The ending paragraphs were great - I loved how the author tapped into emotion, talking about what was in his heart.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling or puncutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The description of the battle was good I thought, if not a little formal, but the 2nd to the last paragraph really taps into what the writer of the feeling and it brought the humanity of the writer.
Veronica realizes that the feelings Scott has for her are very real despite the fact he's a robot.
WHAT I LIKED
There's a nice blend of genres here. The romance/love of it works nicely with the science fiction aspect.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Veronica's perspective. I just have one note on POV narration where it switches to Scott for a little bit while in Veroncia's POV with the paragraph starting "She opened her eyes, pinning an impatient gaze on the flustered A.I...." You might want to tightened that up a little. We can't know what Scott is thinking if Veronica is telling the story. She can guess, but she doesn't know for sure unless he tells her. Past tense is used appropriately.
Line breaks were used correctly to shift scenes in the story.
DIALOGUE
I thought the dialogue was appropriate to the story.
CHARACTERS
Veroncia, Scott
I really enjoyed Scott and his flashbacks. Despite being a robot, he was very human and by the end of the story I had the sense that Veronica did make that connection with him.
DESCRIPTIONS
If anything, I would have enjoyed a few more descriptions. Since this is a futuristic world, just a sentence or two touching on Veronica's surrounding and giving a sense of where she was at would have added to the story.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
The first 3 paragraphs peeked my interest regarding the role science fiction would play in the story and it kept me reading.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. I thought the plot/pacing of the story was just right.
Keep writing!
Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
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The story follows a coin as it goes through a day's journey.
WHAT I LIKED
The mystery is intriguing.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in various pov narration, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. POV shifts appropriately with line breaks. While I'm usually not a fan of 2nd person tense, the author does a wonderful job incorporating it into the story to where it works. I would recommend this to beginning authors as a good example of 2nd person narration.
Past tense is appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue is appropriate to story. There's a good balance of dialogue and narration.
MECHANICS & SOUND
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no choppy or uneven sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I found the coin took on a life of it's own as it traveled through various hands. Also, good descriptions throughout. I have no suggestions for improvement.
I thought this was very sad. The author tapped into emotion well.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person by Janet. POV narration is good. Past tense is used correctly.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue is appropriate.
MECHANICS & SOUND
I might suggest an edit for spelling & puncutation.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
For being a short piece, I thought the author did a good job capturing Janet's character. The story's dark ending is delievered in such a manner the reader is emotionally shocked.
I might suggest spacing between paragraphs here on WDC to make it easier on the reader's eyes.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Simply Everything Review.
THE ESSAY
The author talks about her roving eye.
WHAT I LIKED
Again, this was a fun piece to read, and I'm with you. I am totally devoted to my husband, but I don't mind looking. While you have Mr. A, I have Roger Howarth, the soap actor. I have no idea how my husband gets by! Haha.
THE BODY
I think this is a topic that others can understand and identify with. I think it's only human. I liked the author's writing style. It's very easy and engaging, making this a good, fun read.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING TOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Thanks for sharing.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox.
THE STORY
While in college a man is attracted to another man.
WHAT I LIKED
This was a very romantic. The romance was a sutble layer in the subtext, which provided me with a slow, yet steady build of Jared's emotional state.
NARRATION/TENSE
The story is told in the first person from Jared's perspective. Tense switches from present to past and I might suggest writing the story in the past tense only.
DIALOGUE
I thought the dialogue was realistic. If anything, watch your dialogue tags and try not to include action inthe tag, use a seperate sentence. Simply write, "How was your test?" he asked. Then as if forgetting, he reached for his notebook, tucked haphaziderly under his arm.
CHARACTERS
Jared, Damon
Both are well fleshed out. It's easy to like both. Good job with characterization.
DESCRIPTIONS
There was just enough to paint the scenes.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
While not action oriented, I liked how the first 3 paragraphs grabbed any attention and held it. "We never speak of it. The subject is taboo," immediately peaks the reader's curiousity factor.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
A woman makes a new year's resolution to lose weight.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the plot. It was very Stephen King-esque in that horror can be found in the simpliest things.
NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person from Courtney's perspective. Good job with past tense.
CHARACTERS
I liked Courtney a lot. She was down to earth and I could easily identify with her struggle and desire to lose weight.
DIALOGUE
Good job with the dialogue.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I liked the ending. It was perfect. The story fit the writing prompt and the word count was listed for the contest.
I thought this poem addressed the question, "Why am I here?"
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the last stanza. It was very upbeat and positive.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with the 2nd and 4th lines rythming.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. I might suggest not to skip lines within the stanzas. While it's not hard to read, it is disconcerting to see the poem spaced so far out.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. A very inspirational poem.
The author's arguements are clear and consise. I thought the examples were great - well thought out and aruged effectively.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person. Past tense is used appropriately.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. If anything, while the essay touches on the human need to eat and to suffer, I might also suggest touching on the need for female companionship. I think that will round out the essay. Still, that's a matter of personal choice. This is one of the better essays I've seen here on WDC.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Sandbox..
THE STORY
A look at Bill and Martha's complicated relationship.
WHAT I LIKED
This is a very character driven story. There's no much action, but I liked the characterization. Dark in places, but real.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is written in the third person limited, mainly from Bill's perspective. I had a note around "Martha watched his figure..." as the POV switches from that point to her. I might suggest either a line break at a min. to change POV or keeping it strictly in Bill's POV. Some readers find POV switches disconcerting and confusing and most editors shy away from stories told in a multiple POV.
Past tense is used effectively.
CHARACTERS
Bill & Martha.
Bill is a drunk and Martha is his beleagured wife. Again, the characterization is fantastic and the strongest part of the story.
DIALOGUE
I found the dialouge to be a little halting. Also, the first dialogue between Bill & Martha is written almost as if this were a screenplay. The correct way would be:
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
My next suggestion would be to tighten the structure of the story up. While the sentences are complete, they don't feel smooth. For example, as written:
In the dull half-light of the morning, in which Bill would try and pickup the fragments of the night before, he would remember the conversation going something to the effect of:
I might suggest: As Bill laid in bed the following morning, trying to pick through the fragments of the night before, he remembered that Martha hadn't changed.
"Martha?"
"No, Bill."
"Why?"
Mind you, this basically is a matter of style and these are only suggestions for you which you can use or not.
My last suggestion is that the ending seems to just fall off as Bill goes in search of another drink. I might suggest tightening it up a little.
I'd love to rate the author higher if they do an edit.
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THE STORY
WHAT I LIKED
