Hello, it's StephBee With a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest review.
THE STORY
Sarah recaps her relationship and what Lucas meant to her in a letter.
WHAT I LIKED
The author captures emotion well.
CHARACTERS
Sarah
We take a look at Sarah's state of mind without Lucas in her life. She's feeling love, but the hurt of losing Lucas is very prominent.
DIALOGUE
There was no dialogue.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
The first 3 paragraphs focus a lot on description and the story doesn't engage the reader until after that. I might suggest focusing on an event that means a lot to Sarah for the 1st 3 paragraphs to hold the reader's interest better.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/puctuation errors.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for August 2006. It fit the prompt (love/romance) well. The author does not list the word count in accordance with the rules but the story is short enough to fit the criteria.
Hello, it's StephBee With a Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest review.
THE STORY
Pete meets Karen in a bar and they have a very sensual encounter, however Karen leaves him the next morning. Peter struggles with his demons in the hopes of finding Karen again so he can tell her the truth - he has AIDS.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the byline was a nice tease - a modern day love story. I did not expect the story to explore what AIDS can do a relationship, and I thought the author tackled that nicely.
CHARACTERS
Pete and Karen
Both are equally fleshed out here. The author does a good job weaving AIDS into their lives. Pete's response is very "guyish," and Karen's is very "girlish." The author captures the essence of these characters struggling with their demons well.
DIALOGUE
Appopriate to the story.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
The first 3 paragraphs were a decent start to the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/puctuation errors. Technically, the story is well presented.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
No suggestions. The plot was character based and the pacing was good.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for August 2006. It fit the prompt (love/romance) well. The author lists the word count in accordance with the contest rules.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review From the Sandbox.
THE STORY
Shandel's love seems to appear from the ashes of dream to make a life her. Months later, a snowstorm threatens to take away her heart's desire.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the author did a great job capturing Shandel's emotions. This is a woman who wants to be in love, and does fall in love. Love can drive us to do desperate things we're not careful. We run the gambit of sweet, romantic love to feeling the hurt and pain once that love is threatened.
POINT OF VIEW/TENSE
This is written in the 3rd person limited, mainly from Shandel's POV. Line beaks are used appropropriately to switch scenes. Past tense is used in the writing.
DIALOGUE
Appoporiate to the story.
DESCRIPTIONS
There are just enough descriptions to set the time and place. I might suggest drawing on the senese, smell, touch, taste to expand your descriptions. I would also caution your use of adverbs. Try not to use a lot when you are describing heightened emotions. If the description is good, the reader will feel it.
CHARACTERS
Shandel, William
Shandel's characterization is fleshed out well. William is her romantic lover who has come back to her. They seem well suited for each other.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I might suggest an edit for pucutation in dailogue tags as there seems to be a space between the end of the sentence and the quotes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Plot/pacing seem on track, but for me I was a little confused as to how William got in the house and just stepped back into Shandel's life after a long absense. Was it the dream? Had Shandel and William been lovers along? I wasn't clear on that plot point and I thought it could better defined as it is the crux of the story, how William comes back into her life.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Review from the Bard's Hall Contest.
THE ESSAY
The author follows the contest prompt by writing an opinion essay on immigration.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the author used a quote from Emma Larzarus reminding us of how immigration has influenced America. The closing quote by Roosevelt was a good closer that brought the essay home.
STRUCTURE
The author opens with a personal note and goes on to make her points, using seperate paragraphs to establish her points. Paragraph #4 really drives home the theme of the essay.
MECHANICS & SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/puctution mistakes. Technically, I thought the essay was well presented.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
No suggestions. The word count was not listed in accordance with the contest rules, but the essay does fall within the limits.
The folder contains the author's mini flash fiction written for several contests. The title is appropriate to the contents within.
WHAT I LIKED
It really is a fun folder. The rating and genres are appropriate.
INTRODUCTION
The intro is short, sweet, and to the point. I did not spot any grammar/puctuation mistakes. If anything, I might suggest using a graphic or some more WDC ML to make the introduction more appealing.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as noted above. Keep adding to the folder!
The chapter is the beginning oof the "THE HAUNTED FARMHOUSE." Here were meet Marcie, Kiki, and the Farmhouse and are introduced to our mystery through Marcie's dream.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the opening dream sequence. I thought the action was enough to keep the reader interested. The chapter is off to a good start.
POINT OF VIEW
This written in the 3rd person. Line breaks are used appropriately to shift action and narration.
DESCRIPTION
My suggestion here is to spend some time describing the Farmhouse. Give it a personality of it's own. Have Marcie familiar with broken shutters, smells, chipped paint. Creep us out about the farmhouse using descripion.
CHARACTERS
Marcie & Kiki
Marcie is our main character. She's fun and adventurous. Kiki is a supporting character who is a bit more cautious. Characterization is enough to give us a hint of what Marcie & Kiki are like, but I'd like to see you expand this to include the farmhouse.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I would suggest a copyedit for puctutation mistakes in dialogue tags.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. Good 1st draft. With an edit, this chapter will really shine.
Hello, it's StephBee with a Simply Everything Review.
THE ARTICLE
Takes in depth look at Science Fiction, how it differs from other dramas and what a writer can do to make their own work stand out.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was a great comprehensive essay. I agree with the point that while the science is important, it is the fictional elements of the storytelling, character, plot, setting, that really sells the reality and believablity of the story.
SOUND AND MECHANICS
There were no grammar/puctuation errors. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions. Every paragraph offers good strong points to the author's aguements. Well written and well presented.
A poem about the last moments of the author's father's life.
WHAT I LIKED
The first word that came to mind when I read this was "pogninant." Gripping. I thought the word play and expression in this were a wonderful tribute to your father.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no rythme scheme. The meter captures the sadness and heartbreak of the moment.
MECHANICS
There were no grammar/puctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
No suggestions. The poem is very deserving of the Awardicon. Keep writing.
Hello, there, this is StephBee with a Best of the Rest Review
THE IN & OUT
This in & out is a game where you answer the post before it with a question.
WHAT I LIKED
This forum looked to be a lot of fun. It also appeared very interactive as it was current.
MECHANICS
I did not spot and grammar/puctuation mistakes. Good use of WDC ML in the introduction.
RULES
The rules were simple and clearly stated.
PERSONAL POINTS/SUGGESTIONS
My only suggestion would be double check your linking next to the "Interesting Comments on the Game," as some users don't appear to be linked correctly.
A scoop of ice cream tries to avoid being munched on.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the 1st 3 paragraphs were great. They really captured the ice cream's snooty personality and voice well, easily drawing the reader in.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the first person by the ice cream. Good job with POV narration.
DIALOGUE
I thought the dialogue was very engaging.
CHARACTERS
The characters were interesting. I felt bad for the boy who wanted the ice cream, but happy for the scoop.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I might suggest giving the story a rating to entice readers to take a peek. An "E" rating would be fine.
This story was entered in the SHOW OFF YOUR BEST AT THE SANDBOX Contest for July 2006. It fit the prompt (satire/comedy) well. However, the author fails to list the exact word count IAW contest rules.
A man overhears a woman on a cell phone in a bus and decides to follow her to her house.
WHAT I LIKED
This piece really drew on suspense to make it work well. The ending was definately unexpected.
STRUCTURE
This is written in the third person mainly from the man's perspective. Good job with POV narration.
DIALOGUE
Dialogue moves the story forward well.
CHARACTERIZATION
The characterization in this story sneeks up on you. At first you wonder why the men is listening in on the coversation. You get creeped out. Then the author throws the reader for a loop. (I don't want to ruin for those who haven't read it.)
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The 1st 3 paragraphs have the man spying on the woman's conversation, intricing the reader to read more and discover just why he is doing that.
Hello, it's StephBee from the Bard's Hall Contest with a Contest Review for your July Entry.
THE STORY
The recounts a vacation in Yellowstone Park.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the ending. The author's writing gave the story just enough legitmacy to belive it.
STRUCTURE
This is written in the first person. The style is very easy to read.
SOUND & MECHANICS
In the opening sentence, I might suggest using a comma between park and but to smooth it out a little. I did not spot any spelling mistakes. Technically, the essay is well presented.
FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS
The 1st 3 paragraphs were quick and to the point. Easy to read.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The story fit the prompt of the contest and the word count was appropriately listed.
Thanks for entering the Bard's Hall Contest and Good luck!
For me, the theme of the poem is to live in the present and try to let the past stay in the past.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this poem had a very upbeat and positive message. I liked the repeative use of "speak of yesterdays" as it reinforces the theme and establishes the meter.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with every other line rythming. The meter feels formal to me and fits the poem well.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any grammar mistakes, however a case could be made for puctuation.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
My only suggestion would be to consider spilting the poem into stanzas so it's easier to see the advancement of the theme.
Two workers for a logging company discover a gold statue. As the by-line says, who gets to keep it?
WHAT I LIKED
The first three paragraphs start out with an ant battle. The analogy plays out in the story with the battle between Jamie and Sergi. The ending brings the story to full circle and the ants again. Very goood, subtle, effect writing that makes the reader THINK.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the 3rd person. The narrative uses a "Lonesome Dove" style of switching from back and forth from Jamie and Sergi's POV. This is usually discouraged as it's called "head hopping." I would suggest making this either from one character's POV, which I think would heighten the subplot of the ants, or using a 1st person narrative.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate. Both Jamie and Sergi have distictive styles of speech and comes through. Good voice with the characters.
DESCRIPTIONS
There are just enough descriptions to set the set the scene and allow you to picture the setting in your mind. If anything, if you wanted to touch upon a certain smell, I might heighten the suspense of the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctucation mistakes.
PLOT/PACING
For a short story, plot & pacing move quite well always keeping the reader engaged.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I liked the full circle concept of the story.
Wailanee continues to be haunted by a ghost and confronts the neighbor.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the theme of the story.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person omniscient. Good job with POV.
CHARACTERS
Wailanee, Angelica, Neighbor.
One of the thing I got confused on was the relationships in the story. Maybe a first person narrative might help?
DESCRIPTIONS
I might suggest clearly defining the time/setting of the story as I'm not sure it is modern day or several years back.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for copyediting. Included is a paragraph with misc. typos and my suggestions.
AS WRITTEN:
"Angelica was brilliant. That little girl was good at everything she put her mind
to. I would give her a baking recipe and she would memorize it. She had very good
hands. Always kind and polite. But Angelica was vey curious about everything
She never ceased asking , Why?" grandma wiped her eyes with a hankie.
She blew her nose and continued " There are certain things in life we are better
off not knowing about. It doesn't mean they don't exist , it means certain doors
should remain closed. Always." she got closer to me and whispered "Angie had
a special gift. She could see things no one else could. Most people don't know
how to use these gifts, but she did."
MY SUGGESTIONS
"Angelica was brilliant. That little girl was good at everything she put her mind to. I would give her a baking recipe and she would memorize it. She had very good hands. Always kind and polite. But Angelica was very curious about everything. She never ceased asking,'why?'" Grandma wiped her eyes with a hankie. Then she blew her nose and continued, "There are certain things in life we are better off not knowing about. It doesn't mean they don't exist , it means certain doors should remain closed. Always." She got closer to me and whispered, "Angie had a special gift. She could see things no one else could. Most people don't know how to use these gifts, but she did."
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS.
Suggestions as noted above. Also, aside from spacing, I might suggest you double the chapter. It is listed as Chp.3. Did I miss Chp. 2? The pacing and plot are slowed down here because there seems to be no clear defination of time and setting, characters, etc. I'd love to rate this higher if the author does an edit.
This is a poem which expresses gratitude. It's a positive testiment to the power of Writing.com
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was very positive, upbeat, and lovely testimonial to WDC. I've seen so many good things here at WDC and it really has helped to sharpen my writing.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with the 2nd and 4th lines rythming. The meter is easy and nice on the ears.
Good horror is always rooted in basic human emotions, which I think the author captures here. I could feel the pain, loss, and grief.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the first person. Good job with POV narration.
CHARACTERIZATION
I might suggest defining our tragedic (sp?) lead character a little more. What is her name? Also, there was some confusion as to who caused the grief - a twin sister or a close friend. These points have to clearly defined.
DESCRIPTION
Another suggestion would be to clearly define the time and place. Is it a sunny, contrasting the dark mood of our storyteller? If so, this might heighten the horrifing act at the end.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. This has a lot of potential and I'd love to rate you higher if you do an edit.
Edna is killed and must find a way to reach out to her son while he is still alive.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the premise of this story. The ending kind of suprised since I wasn't quite sure where the author was going with this.
STRUCTURE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Line breaks are appopriate.
DIALOGUE
Appopriate to the story.
CHARACTERS
The characters are interesting. Edna and Wesley are ghosts trying to right the wrongs of the living world.
DESCRIPTIONS
If anything, I might suggest adding some description to set the eerieness of the story a little better.
SOUND & MECHANICS
I might suggest a copy for grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestionsas noted above. Good ending, if anything, just make it a little clearer. Establish the relationship early, leave them, and then sucker punch us at the ending.
Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
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