A man is in a state hospital, dying of cancer and sees a painting. This story uses a focal word "Greasy" to capture how he feels.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the opening paragraph. The description of the greasy oil painting drew me in.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the first person.
MECHANICS
I did not not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The author captures the narrator's feeling well in with just 500 words. The despair and apathy of how he feels shines through. The story is well presented and well polished.
A man finally gets a date with his dream girl, who honestly might have never noticed him before, but it turns out to be a very excrutiating evening.
WHAT I LIKED
I really enjoyed the style in which this was written in. Light and engaging, the beginning pulled me in easily as a reader.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the first person by Jaysen. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
Well done & appropriate to the story. The dialogue captures the personailities of the characters well.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences, however the story suffers from multiple puncutation mistakes, mainly involing dialogue tags. For example, as written:
"oh, ok" I said, "great, it's just been so hectic around here." She nodded.
Should be: "Oh, okay. It's just been so hectic around here," I said.
She nodded.
always spell out okay when using manuscript writing.
I might suggest an edit to clean up the puctutation.
DESCRIPTIONS
Toward the middle when Desi reveals her true nature the descriptions really step it up a notch. While graphic, they put the reader right in the scene.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
While the story was interesting and the first paragraph had me intrigued as a reader, it was hard to follow this story because of the spacing and the lenght. Sentences seemed to almost run into each other. I would suggest spacing between paragraphs and dialogue tags. It would make it easier for readers to follow along.
The other thing that I asked myself was: Why is she like this? Now, it either wasn't touched on, or I missed that part because of the spacing, as it was hard to concentrate and read as I had to read and reread to make sure I didn't miss something. I got that she was a maneater - litterly, but I didn't understand why and for the story to really standout, I thought that had to be touched upon.
I'd love to rate the story higher if the author does an edit.
Smack has led a tough life. At a min. he suffers from Schizophrenia, but love is strange power and he finds himself in love at the end.
WHAT I LIKED
I like the style in which this told, from one of the voices in Smack's head. It's a good, honest look at what might be happening in the head of someone who might have mental illness. I work as a 911 Dispatcher for LAPD and after my years of experience, I can tell when I'm speaking to someone who be suffering. Very gritty.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person omnisicent mainly from Sammy's perspective. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
Well done & appropriate to the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes. Technically, I thought the story was well polished and well presented.
DESCRIPTIONS
If anything, I thought there could be a little more description involving the setting of the story.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. Very unconvential and daring. Keep writing!
Young Robyn is going to meet the man she will marry, only to be haunted by a car accident.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was a very pyschologial story that made one think.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person omniscient mainly from Robin's perspective. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story. I noticed there were several commas missing as the ending tag. You might to do an edit.
CHARACTERS
Robyn, Grandmother,
Robyn is young and a little naive, yet she has the desire all 17 year old's have and that's to take their first steps out in the world.
Grandmother is very protective. She plays her role well here.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were numerous uneven or choppy sentences. A couple things I might suggest you edit specifically for:
Past/present tense shifts,
puctutation - watch for periods
Awkward phrases, for example:
Robyn had been confronting her cold heart and Robyn could not break through her cold heart?
she didn't know nything about only that he is a year older with a good family background. I might rephrase that.
What happens next was a complete blur Tense shift here, rephrase as it steps out of point of view.
DESCRIPTIONS:
There are just enough to paint the scene, but I might suggest adding some more descriptions in the future to really put the reader in the time and setting of the story.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. I think your storytelling will really shine if you focus on an edit on the more technical aspects of mechanics and sound. The plot/pacing are there, you just need to work on mechanics a little more.
A woman joins a man's bedside after he is injuried.
WHAT I LIKED
Things aren't quite they seem here and sometimes real life plays out like this. I really liked the opening line. The description of the hall drew me in.
POINT OF VIEW
This is told in the first person. Good job staying in POV
MECHANICS & SOUND
I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences. Technically, the story is well presented.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
No suggestions. Again, you've put together a little vignette that tells just enough to make us feel.
I thought the author captured very real emotions here. After all, this happens in real life.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no apparent rythme scheme. The meter is a little stilted due to the structure.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I might suggestion smoothing out the meter a little, but that might be a challenge. Instead of a rythme scheme, you want to try a syable pattern 8-10 for example? Maybe Iambic pentameter? Only a suggestion.
This was very cute. A story in the form of a poem, it was told in a very whimscal way that would appeal to kids. I love how the author has expanded on her son's imagination.
DIALOGUE
Excellent. Totally captured the talk of children.
SOUND & MECHANICS
I spotted a couple of grammar/puctutation mistakes and would suggest and edit for that. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. I wonder if there are more tales through the Doggy Door.
A futuristic story were Steve is addicated to credit cards and the repo man pays him a visit.
WHAT I THOUGHT
I loved the originality behind this story. It also applies to every day life now, not just the future.
DIALOGUE
Well done. Moves the story forward.
SOUND & MECHANICS
I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences. Technically, the writing was very sound.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
No suggestions. I did not quite expect the ending as I didn't think the repo man would take what he did. Good job, there. The story was well polished and well presented. Good job being a newsletter feature.
Angela is a movie actress, however her career seems to get in the way of finding real love.
WHAT I LIKED
It's a very interesting story. I liked the ending. I also liked the fact I felt I was shown the story as opposed to being told it.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the first person by Angela. Good job staying in POV.
CHARACTERS
Angela, Evan, Marcus (supporting role)
Angela is an actress and her character is well defined. The push/pull of that world causes events in Angela's life to play out as they do.
Evan is a very romantic lead. The character plays his part well, but really this is about Angela and how she reacts to love.
DIALOGUE
If anything, I thought the dialogue captured a "voice" that didn't quite fit the piece. Angela's spoken language is very "every day," and I thought that the manner of the story needed a more elegant voice. For example, at one point Angela says:
"Calm your hemorrhoids, will ya. Here."
I might suggest: "Just a minute, Marcus. Let me show you." I came to the page I was looking for and tapped Rebecca's face with my finger. "That's her." I keep my own disdainful thoughts to myself.
Mind you, it's just a matter of style in the writing, but I think Angela's voice should be peppered with less informality.
SOUND & DIALOGUE
There were a couple uneven or choppy sentences. Some due to voice, some due to puctutation. For example:
Written: I'd md as well take a shower. Suggestion: I'd might as well take a shower.
Written: My oldest son, Marcus, was sitting at the kitchen table flipping through a scrapbook of press clippings. It's something he liked to do from time to time.
Suggestion: My oldest son, Marcus, sat at the kitchen table flipping through a scrapbook of my press clippings. Every so often, he enjoys taking a peek at my career. While I don't mind, it makes me a little..... (fill in the blank)
I might suggest an edit for grammar and puctutation. Some sentences end without a period.
Also, use italics when you go directly into Angela's thoughts.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. Mind you, they are just just suggestions, nothing more. I would be mindful of Angela's word usage as I would want to paint her in a more mature, elegant light. Just me though.
You've got a good 1st draft here and with a little polishing the stor will shine.
Mark tries to deal with the death of his father and encounters some "unusual" creatures.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the author drew on an emotion that a reader can relate to, grief, and focused the story on that. Some of the best stories in any genre, with a good, solid, emotional base, are the best.
POINT OF VIEW
This was told in the third person omniscient mainly from Mark's perspective. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story.
CHARACTERS
Mark, Mink, the Guide
DESCRIPTIONS
I liked the description of Mink. It was well done and made easy to picture the character.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes. Opp - I think "their" is spelled "there" in the following paragraph: "you just may be right..."
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
No suggestions. Good note about the "Lattice Theory." The story followed the "fantasy" prompt in the form of unexpected twist. The word count was listed in accordance with the contest rules. The story was well presented and well polished.
Good luck in the Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox contest.
Helius, who bore the sun chariot pursues the beautiful Hecate, only to the ruination of them both.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the pace at which the story was told. It kept me engaged at all times. I was very "into" what would happen to Hecate.
POINT OF VIEW
This was told in the third person omniscient. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story. Well done. The author captures the various voices of the gods well.
CHARACTERS
Helius, Hecate, Persphone
You understand all the characters and their motivations. Helius is driven by his lust, Hecate by her revenge. Persphone has a wonderful supporting role.
DESCRIPTIONS
There are just enough to let the reader imagine the character's world. Reminicient of my high school mythology book that I enjoyed.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
No suggestions. The story followed the "fantasy" prompt, chosing to explore the more mythical side of the genre. The word count was listed in accordance with the contest rules. The story was well presented and well polished.
Good luck in the Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox contest.
The writing style is very engaging and easily pulls the reader in. This appealed to the whimscial side of me.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person omniscient mainly from Reginald's perspective. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story. I might suggest spacing between the dialogue here on WDC simply because it got a little "hard" on the eyes.
CHARACTERS
Reginald, Gandolph
The story is short, but the author did a good job with Reginald's characterization. I understood his reluctance and impatience.
DESCRIPTIONS
If anything, I might suggest a little bit more descriptions to establish the and setting.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. I did notice the first paragraph was a bit "telling," but after that you got into showing the story. I was wondering if there was a way you could open the story by showing in that first paragraph. Perhaps Reginald can be talking to himself as he roams his house or drinks?
Ann can't find satisfaction with her inattentive husband, but the vegtables for stir fry sure do provide her with entertainment.
WHAT I LIKED
This had a very whimscial feel to it. Cute and sweet, it would definately appeal to children.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person omniscient mainly from Ann's perspective. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
Well done & appropriate to the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The contents were apporpriate to the contest's genre of "fantasy." However, I think it fits into a "broader" sense of the category and not your more "traditonal" style. The word count was listed as per the contest's rules. The story was well presented.
Good luck in the Show Off Your Best At The Sandbox contest.
A muse takes a "hardline" approach to inspire his writer.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the muse motivated his writer.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person omniscient mainly from the muse's perspective. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did notice a few grammar/puctutation mistakes. I might suggest and edit for it.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The author captured the element of the muse. It is not a traditional "fantasy" type story. The word count was not listed in accordance with the contest rules.
Good luck in the Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox contest.
Chakara, hiding a secret, falls for a peasant girl.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the "feel good" ending of the story.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the first person by Chakara. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
Apporpriate to the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did spot some minor puctutation mistakes.
As written: "Thank you my lord," she said as she bowed before me.
My suggestion: "Thank you, my lord," she said, bowing before me."
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The author captured elements of fantasy well and wove them into a short story of interest. I would suggest an edit for the more "techincal" aspects of writing, sound & mechanics. The word count was listed in accordance with the contest rules.
Good luck in the Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox contest.
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