The author takes a walk through the desert, finding comfort in the terrain and the solitary environment.
MY THOUGHTS - WHAT I LIKED
I'm a sucker for a good nature poem and while I'm more "woodsy", I loved how the author did a great job capturing the feel of the desert. It is arid and there are tumbleweeds, shrubs, everything is dry - and if you want to be alone, the desert is a great place to go.
MECHANICS
I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT
None - I thought the author did a good job capturing the lonliness of desert and relating it to her own emotional state.
The Samhain is compared to modern day Halloween rituals.
MY THOUGHTS
I really got into the rythme of the poem and I thought the poem evoked a lot of good images. The poem is free form, but follows it's own rythme scheme.
Sage and mint for spirit world
Y'll find no Cauldron with stweing child
Allspice and Nutmeg, yummy treats
Salt and Pepper, roasting meats
SOUND
The poem sounds good when read outloud.
MECHANICS
I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes. Also, in poems like this puctuation is subjective to author and I trust they've puctuated it the way they want it.
I really enjoyed the plot/concept of the story and I definately thought it was very spooky. I would make a good Halloween story.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the first person by the camper.
CHARACTERS
The camper and Morg, the dog.
The camper doesn't believe in legends and ghosts and recalls a story they don't believe in, only after spending a spooky night out camping, the camper has seen irrefutable evidence to believe the ghost story.
DIALOGUE
This is a narrative, no dialogue is used.
SOUND
The story is mainly written in the present tense, which is never easy to write in. There are times when the tense switches from present to past and back to present again. I would suggest writting in the past tense. It usually a little easier and sentences seem to flow better.
An example: After setting up camp, and lighting a fire in the fire pit provided past tense here - which some might think at first was big enough to fit in nicely at a high school pep rally - I fix both of us some dinner present tense here
MECHANICS
I would brush up on my tense mechanics, but that's basically it. Once the story is in one tense, it will really shine. There are minor typos, that I'm sure the author will catch on a re-read.
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT
As mentioned before, write the story in one tense - my suggestion the past. Most readers are used to reading a story in the past tense and it's easier. Also, throughout the story, I didn't know if the camper was a woman or a man, and I operated under the assumption it was a man. It's probably picky on my part, but I want want to clearly establish the sex of the story's narrator. It's only a suggestion, and like I said, probably a picky one at that.
I thought this poem was about love and the power that love can capture inside us. It can be very intense, ravishing us like a furious snowstorm.
SOUND
The poem is written in freeform and there are no rythms. Some verses repeat but the repeatation is used well to reinforce the author's ideas. The poem sounds good when read outloud.
MECHANICS
I caught one typo "AS" in the start of the first stanza. I might suggest a re-read for punctuation.
Llewin's soldiers arrive at Redwing's keep, and Iidrayne, Redwing's daughter, reacts to his death.
MY THOUGHTS
I thought this was very good, well paced, and the emotions were very accurate. It was an engaging read.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written the third person omniscient from Iidrayne's perspective. The author does a very good job in staying in Iidrayne's POV throughout the chapter and I would recommend it to newer writer to read, so as to understand what staying in the same point of view is about.
CHARACTERIZATION
The characterization of the daughter was well done. She's not your typical "dark ages" daughter. She hunts, wears clothes that aren't appropriate, yet the author captures a very feminine side to her when she reacts to her father's death.
DIALOGUE
I thought the dialogue was appropriate for the time period given - very well done.
SOUND
The chapter sounds good. There are no uneven or choppy sentences.
MECHANICS
I did not notice any grammar/punctutation mistakes.
Steve tries to surprise his wife during The Pursuit of Happiness week.
MY THOUGHTS
This story had me in stitches. Poor Steve tries so hard, but his attempts are so off the mark, they're hysterical. First he tries to impress his wife as "fat" Elvis, then he tries to make a her Peanut Butter and bananna sandwich. When he actually surprises her, he burns down the down the house.
The author did a great job with the comedy prompt.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the first person by Steve.
CHARACTERIZATION
Excellent. As a husband, poor Steve is clueless and author brings all those clueless qualities to the forefront.
DIALOGUE
Excellent.
SOUND
When read outloud, there are no uneven or choppy sentences.
MECHANICS
I did not notice any grammar/punctuation mistakes.
In Prologue, Victoria dies, only to reawaken in another body, the daughter of a lord in 1830.
When she reawakens, she has complete memory loss about her life, yet remembers some interesting details about life in general. She does not realize that the person she was before was mean and spiteful. "Victoria" is engaged and her fiance's family worries that he will be saddled with a shrew.
MY THOUGHTS
This novel is off to a good start. It's got all the elements that draw readers in. It's not too heavy, not to light to read - well balanced. You want Victoria to find happiness as well as Nick who appears to be a lively and engaging fellow. There is conflict in that Victoria has to overcome a reputation of being nasty and spiteful. Will Victoria and Nick fall in love? I hope so!
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person omniscient.
CHARACTERIZATION
The author has done a great job with Victoria, Nickolas, his parents, and her parents. Both the main characters are very likable.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue is excellent and appropriate for the time and setting.
SOUND
There are no uneven or choppy sentences.
MECHANICS
I found minor grammar/punctuation mistakes, that can be caught on an edit.
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT
If anything, the author shifts points of view within a scene. An editor would call this "head hopping." While some novels like Lonesome Dove are successful in this format, I might suggest writting one scene from one characters point of view and then using a linebreak to shift scenes and point of view. Mind you, it's only a suggestion, and something to consider. I didn't have a problem shifting in the scenes but some readers do. For me, I did not consider it a major factor in my overall score because I really liked the story a lot and other than this, I thought it was well plotted and paced.
I picked this poem because I'd been thinking of a past boyfriend here lately, myself. The following really hit home:
It might have been the salt on the glass
or the lemon and the lime
which reminded me so much of you
and of our long-agolove time
It's amazing what memories one has when a little alcohol is involved. This stanza really evoked some of them for me. I think we'll always see our past loves through these type of eyes.
and of course the last line hit home and asks the age old question everyone wants to know. Do they think of me, too after all these years.
Great job!
SUGGESTIONS:
If anything, "skit scat" almost seemed a little forced for me. I might suggest taking that out and letting it stand on it's own?
I got the feeling of unrequited love or possibly a lover too shy to approach the other. I thought the stanzas and lines were constructed well and I could feel the beat of lyrics.
The first three stanzas are intriguing and the fourth really brings the meaning of the lyrics home.
MECHANICS:
I might suggest taking the "n" out between heart and everything and replacing it with "and". I think it would sound a little bit more polished.
Llewin and his soliders are waiting as part of an ambush as Saxon soldiers approach. Once the battle starts, a fierce Brition soldier, Redwing dies, and Lewin and his squad are assigned to take Redwing's body back to his family. The time is AD 559 in the land currently known as England.
OVERALL:
The reader starts out showing us Llewin's reaction to the rain and getting into his thoughts. He captures the moments before well, in that the mind wanders a bit. It's not easy to write thoughts in a "Showing" manner but the author accomplishes it well here. However, there is a lot of imformation that is covered, about Llewin's men, his military background, but I was looking for answers to questions like:
Why does Llewin doubt his ability to lead? I understand humility, but a leader shouldn't have doubts like Llewin does. Certainly, he can tell us what he brings to the squad of ten. He told us what every one else brought.
I would have liked to have seen more background established. Sure, the Saxons were approaching the Britions, but why were they fighting in the first place. Just a line or two about the history between the "good guys" and the "Bad guys" would suffice.
I thought the author did a great job fleshing out the battle scenes with accuracy, especially when the axe got caught in the back, but after that, they seemed to go on too long.
The end of the chapter was good - it really engaged me as a reader when Llewin was given the task to take Redwing home.
POINT OF VIEW:
This is written in the third person omniscient from Llewin's perspective.
CHARACTERIZATION:
The author does a good job with Llewin. He's heroic and strong, but when Llewin doubts himself as the ten's leader, I am a little lost. He doesn't have to be conceited. I would simply not mention it.
DIALOGUE:
The dialogue is appropriate, but is not made use of until the end of the chapter.
SOUND:
The piece sounds good. There are no uneven or choppy sentences.
MECHANICS:
I didn't notice any grammar or puncutation errors.
I might suggest tweaking Llewin's character a little and letting us see more of the battle through his eyes. I'd think I'd be more drawn into the story if I know Llewin is fighting hard, gasping for breath, jumping over a dead body to avoid a blow - and that he believes in the cause that he is fighting for.
Senator Emiligan hides a girl in his house and explains to Emra that she is going to pose as her sister, Lorelle. Tarem comes back home but decides not to see his family because they possessed odd sympathies
OVERALL:
I thought this was a good second chapter, and it immediately captured my attention. It opens with the Senator arriving to hide the unknown girl. It's an action sequence that works well. I saw the plot move forward, but once we get to Tarem's scene it slows down a little.
POINT OF VIEW:
This is told in the third person omniscient. The first scene is Emra's POV and the next scene is from Tarem's POV.
CHARACTERIZATION:
Emra proves to be a dutiful daughter to her father. Tarem has come back from battle a little hardened and I didn't quite understand his reference to his family's odd sympathies. I thought the author was "telling" me as opposed to showing me their "odd sympathies." If anything, I suggest fleshing out the scene were Aelyn arrives. You might leave the scene with Emra discovering she is from Aerinar and having her gasp with surprise. That would be a way to show me the odd sympathies as opposed to telling me. Again, it's just a suggestion.
DIALOGUE:
There is a good balance between dialogue and narration. The dialogue fits in well to the world the author has created.
SOUND:
When read outloud, there are no uneven or choppy sentences. It sounds good to read.
MECHANICS:
I did not notice any grammar/puncutation mistakes.
Terem leaves his family to fight for Kheol, which is a conquering race. Two years later, his father and sister still live in the same house. His father, Senator Emiligan appears to be involved in some secret activity.
OVERALL:
The author's use of graphics grabbed me as a reader and gave me a hint of what was to come, but when I started reading, I was a little bummed. The opening scene is with Tarem leaving, but it was mostly description, of "placing" the setting, and I was kind of expecting to find Tarem in the midst of some action. So...if anything, I might suggest the author really "hook" the reader by using some type of action sequence to seal the bargin that they are going to get a really good story. Maybe Tarem thinks Elladan is a thief and puts his sword to Elladan's throat before finding out he's taking him off to the general's army. My suggestions are just that - I hope the author finds them helpful, that's all.
POINT OF VIEW:
This is told in the third person omniscient. The first scene is in Teram's perspective, the second, in his sister's Emra's. The shift in POV is signaled by a graphic, but I would suggest using a more traditional "line break".
CHARACTERIZATION:
Teram is little bit nervous about joining the army, but I get the impression he is a heroic sort and I might suggest playing up to heroism in this scene. Emra is a dutiful daughter and very likable.
DIALOGUE:
There is a good balance between dialogue and narration. The dialogue is fits well into the world the author has created.
SOUND:
When read outloud, there are no uneven or choppy sentences. It sounds good to read.
MECHANICS:
I did not notice any grammar/puncutation mistakes.
I'd love to come back and re-review the piece if the author does an edit.
Young Kate discovers her has breast cancer. She takes us through the stages of such a painful discovery and how it effects her.
This is a very emotional piece which I thought took a good look at the gambit of emotions we run through when we find out we have cancer. The author touches on some of the stages such as shock, denial, anger.
OVERALL:
This piece really pulled on my heartstrings. I really liked the style it was written in - it felt very natural to me and not forced.
POINT OF VIEW:
This is told in the first person by Kate.
CHARACTERIZATION:
The author takes a look at the mother, who has just found out she's got cancer, running her through a gambit of emotion from shock to denial to anger in this piece. Kate reacts to her mother, and pulls on our heartstrings when we discover her father also died of cancer.
DIALOGUE:
There is a good balance between dialogue and narration. The dialogue is very realistic.
SOUND:
When read outloud, there are no uneven or choppy sentences. It sounds good to read.
MECHANICS:
I did not notice any grammar/puncutation mistakes.
PRESENTATION:
If anything, I might suggest spacing between paragraphs, even the dialogue because it makes it easier to read here on WDC.
A snake gets lost at school and Chloe, an adventurous spirit, finds it.
I thought this was a cute little story that was light, easy to read, and very engaging.
DIALOGUE:
The story is dialogue driven, not bad, but it needs to be polished a little.
MECHANICS:
I would recommend brushing up on puncutation rules. Example:
As written: "Would that be called an aquarium,?" piped up...
My Suggestion: "Would that be called an aquarium?" asked Chloe's little brother, Oliver."
I would suggest doing an edit for puncutation miscues because the story as it is now reads a little uneven and choppy. I might also suggest spacing between paragraphs because it's easier to read on the eyes.
I'd be happy to rate this story higher if the author does an edit.
Two thumbs up! The first chapter really pulls the reader in. The style is light and easy to read - very engaging.
This is a quote from the first chapter: Now, look. I value my private life. When I spend most of my waking hours at work, under high pressure, with people I don't like much, I want to have a separate life outside of it where never the twain shall meet, if you know what I mean. Davey-boy was threatening to be an unwelcome encroachment on my carefully guarded retreat. I glared at him.
What really attracted me to this story was how the author's style drew immediately in and made me want to find out about Jo. The writing is very sharp and crisp.
The plot has Jo trying to find a husband so she can move up in the firm, and she has a crazy week as she weeds through a series of unacceptable candidates only to come back to her first candidate, Adam Drake, a stage actor. Jo & Adam have undeniable chemistry and by chapter 18 enter into a marriage of convenience.
POINT OF VIEW: This is written in the first person by Jo Butler.
CHARACTERS:
Jo is lively and spunky, but there's also a side to her that she's afraid to show others. Still, it's there to be seen - by her therapist she pays $300 an hour for or by an insightful drunk lawyer who understands human nature.
Adam is totally hot and into Jo. He's the ultimate guy that any girl would want to marry.
DIALOGUE:
Witty and sharp, it moves the story forward effortlessly.
SOUND:
When read outloud it sounds good. There are no uneven or choppy sentences.
MECHANICS:
I noticed no grammar/puncutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS:
If anything, the story is full of Australian slang, which slows down the reader a little. The author does a great job posting disclaimers and notes, explaining, but it still takes a minute for the reader to look back at them and understand the meaning in the context of the text.
FIRST OFF: I just wanted to say, I did my homework on Shakespearean sonnets before reviewing this piece, since it's been a while for me. What always remembered though was I enjoyed Shakespeare's poetry and his sonnets truly are some of the best poetry written, IMHO.
Shakespeare wrote 154 sonnets. Each contained three quatrains, rhymed differently. The rythme scheme is abab, cdcd, efef, gg This now fresh in mind, I was ready to review.
OVERALL:
I really enjoyed this poem. I thought the author mastered the scheme of the Shakespearean sonnet perfectly. The first 3 stanzas talk about the onset of winter, how it snows and how that snow covers up the ground, then the last two lines 'twist' it up by revealing how the sun has broken through the chilly gloom.
I also enjoy nature poems and this really was a nice poem to look at. I reminded me of home. I thought the poem painted a nice scene of winter and the last two lines really brought home the title as Winter's Foe is awakening spring.
RYTHME SCHEME
I didn't find it forced. It was very natural.
Two thumbs. The author did a good job and wrote a very good Shakespearean Sonnet.
OVERALL: I really liked this poem. I thought it was well written and very engaging.
I thought each quatrain captured a "moment" in a life. The first quatrain reminded me of falling in love, the second of death approaching, the 3rd of being in love and the 4th of dying. The quatrains that reminded me of death, weren't depressing at all, but uplifting and spiritual.
Reading this poem was like taking a peek at sweet little slivers of a life lived.
RYTHME SCHEME:
There was no rythme scheme, this is a free form poem.
STANZAS:
There are 4 stanzas, varying from 3-5 lines.
Two thumbs up!
Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox.
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I really enjoyed this. The opening stroked my curiousity and kept me reading. The story goes on to tell us that Jamie and Brigitta are in the same situtation - the only thing that seperates them is time.
POINT OF VIEWS:
This is written in a third person omniscient point of of view, switching between Jamie and Brigitta's perspective. The author uses line breaks to do this which is very good and doesn't confuse the reader to who the narrator is.
CHARACTERIZATION:
Jamie is a high school student who is now ostersized because she has been to bed with a boy and is now pregnant. Brigitta is also an outcast, accused of being a witch for getting pregnant without a husband. The sadness both girls feel is well done. The reader's heart goes out to them.
DIALOGUE:
There is a good mix of dialogue and narration. Dialogue moves the story forward instead of driving it.
SOUND:
There are no uneven or choppy sentences when read outloud.
MECHANICS:
I did not notice any grammar/punctuation mistakes.
DESCRIPTIONS:
They allowed the reader to picture the setting without being overpowering.
SHOW AND TELL:
The story opens with action. Jamie is staring out the window, crying, going to the bathroom. Action catches the reader's the attention and I thought the author did a good job here showing us how Jamie was feeling.
SUGGESTIONS:
These are minor but I feel might make the writing stronger - Here is a description:
In the corner was old furniture that needed new coats of paints.
My suggestion: The darknened corner was stuffed with an antique table, chipped and cracked, needing attention.
THE ENDING:
I liked the ending a lot. It left me feeling hopeful that Jamie would get help and it really brought home the title of the story, "One Word." I would recommend this story to anyone who might be tettering on the edge of a bad decision because I thought it delivered the message of help is always there and hope is just around the corner well.
This was very inspiring. I could feel the warm comfort of the prayers as I read. I want to thank the author for sharing such a powerful, rewarding experience with us.
SUGGESTIONS:
I didn't notice any grammar or puncutation mistakes but I did notice a couple of repeative phrases. Because of this, there are a couple of times the piece reads a little unevenly.
This a folder within a folder. It is placed in the Islamic Prayer Room which I think is appropriate given the contents of the material in it. In this folder we learn about the Prophet Muhammand and what inspired to take up God's challenge as a Prophet.
It's a very inspirational folder.
SUGGESTIONS:
If anything, I might suggest using a graphic at the top of the folder to catch the reader's eye a bit more.
The name of the folder is "The Islamic Prayer Room" which is appropriate for the contents within. In this folder the reader learns about muslums and the Islamic faith. It is very imforative and I found most of the contents to be quite inspiring.
SUGGESTIONS: If anything, I might suggest the use of a graphic at the topic of the folder to catch the reader's attention.
Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox.
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THE PLOT
MY THOUGHTS - WHAT I LIKED
MECHANICS
MY THOUGHTS:
This stanza really evoked some of them for me. I think we'll always see our past loves through these type of eyes.
WHAT I LIKED:
MECHANICS:
DIALOGUE: