The writing style is very engaging and easily pulls the reader in. This appealed to the whimscial side of me.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person omniscient mainly from Reginald's perspective. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story. I might suggest spacing between the dialogue here on WDC simply because it got a little "hard" on the eyes.
CHARACTERS
Reginald, Gandolph
The story is short, but the author did a good job with Reginald's characterization. I understood his reluctance and impatience.
DESCRIPTIONS
If anything, I might suggest a little bit more descriptions to establish the and setting.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as noted above. I did notice the first paragraph was a bit "telling," but after that you got into showing the story. I was wondering if there was a way you could open the story by showing in that first paragraph. Perhaps Reginald can be talking to himself as he roams his house or drinks?
Ann can't find satisfaction with her inattentive husband, but the vegtables for stir fry sure do provide her with entertainment.
WHAT I LIKED
This had a very whimscial feel to it. Cute and sweet, it would definately appeal to children.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person omniscient mainly from Ann's perspective. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
Well done & appropriate to the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The contents were apporpriate to the contest's genre of "fantasy." However, I think it fits into a "broader" sense of the category and not your more "traditonal" style. The word count was listed as per the contest's rules. The story was well presented.
Good luck in the Show Off Your Best At The Sandbox contest.
A muse takes a "hardline" approach to inspire his writer.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the muse motivated his writer.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person omniscient mainly from the muse's perspective. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did notice a few grammar/puctutation mistakes. I might suggest and edit for it.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The author captured the element of the muse. It is not a traditional "fantasy" type story. The word count was not listed in accordance with the contest rules.
Good luck in the Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox contest.
Chakara, hiding a secret, falls for a peasant girl.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the "feel good" ending of the story.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the first person by Chakara. Good job staying in POV.
DIALOGUE
Apporpriate to the story.
SOUND & MECHANICS
There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did spot some minor puctutation mistakes.
As written: "Thank you my lord," she said as she bowed before me.
My suggestion: "Thank you, my lord," she said, bowing before me."
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The author captured elements of fantasy well and wove them into a short story of interest. I would suggest an edit for the more "techincal" aspects of writing, sound & mechanics. The word count was listed in accordance with the contest rules.
Good luck in the Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox contest.
Learning never stops. Even when you get older and get out of school, there's always something there for us to pick up on. I thought this essay was very inspirational in that regard.
SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
MECHANICS
I notice one spelling mistake - "incredibely." I think you meant "incredibly?"
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
My only other suggestion would be to space between the paragraphs were on WDC. It makes it easier on the reader's eyes. Keep learning, and continue your dreams!
I liked the author's writing style here. It was easy and engaging and I was totally engrossed in the story.
POINT OF VIEW
This is told in the first person. Good job staying in point of view.
CHARACTERIZATION
Nancy, The author
While this is a short story, the characterization here is excellent. The author is the main character, telling of Nancy's daring deed. The author gains some insight into herself as the type of person she wants to be through Nancy's action.
There's not action here, but the rich characterization will pull you in.
SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
MECHANICS
I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
It's a very compact story, but the ending is very satisifing. Very good storytelling here. I have no suggestions. The story is well presented and well polished.
This is in script form about several teenagers who have done somethings wrong.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the characterization here. I thought it was very rich. Every character quickly and clearly establishes their own personality.
This play doesn't contain a lot of action, instead, it is more of a "pyschological" piece and I thought it was well done.
CHARACTERS
Jimmy, Bolour-adar, Michael, Dominique
All of them are in therapy. All of them tell what they did and by the end of the play you understand their motavations. You may not agree with them, but it is why they did what they did.
MECHANICS
There were minor grammar/puctutation mistakes I'm sure the author will catch on a re-read.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I might suggest spacing between dialogue tags here on WDC. It would make it easier on the reader's eyes.
I might explain "aspergers Syndrome" here in the context of the story so the readers understand what it is.
I might suggest finding a title for the story.
The above are only suggestions. I thought this was a well written character piece. Good job. A little polish will make it stand out.
This is a folder that contains a nice autogbiographical sketch of the author.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this folder was well organized. There are several items which have received Awardicons. The opening graphic of a lock, waiting for a key, is very telling - as much as words.
INTRODUCTION
I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes in the intro - it was very simple, yet revealing at the same time. Good use of graphics & WDC ML. It makes the folder appealing.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Good job in the presentation and organization of the folder. I have no suggestions at this time.
Patrick becomes infatuated with a group of "Golden Girls" on the Internet.
WHAT I LIKED
The imagination that went behind the story. The ending was a nice twist. I didn't expect it.
STRUCTURE
This is written in the third person omniscient mainly from Patrick's perspective. Good job staying in POV.
CHARACTERS
Patrick, "Golden" girls
While Patrick seemed pretty bold for a 10-year-old boy on the Internet, I think his reaction to the girls' letter was appropriate.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story.
SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
MECHANICS
There were a couple minor spelling typos. I might suggest an edit for spelling.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
If anything, the opening starts out a little slow, as we are "told" a little bit about Patrick and his background. I might suggest switching it up a little. Have him get on the net and be searching, (thus showing him doing action) and slowly reveal those clues about him that the reader needs to know.
Mr. Macomb and his assistant must solve a mystery revolving around who spilled the pickle juice.
WHAT I LIKED
While I have never read Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's stories, which this one was inspired from, I thought the author did a FABULOUS job capturing the voice and feel of Doyle's work while making the story original to her.
POINT OF VIEW
This is told in the first person by Ms. Flatcher, the assistant. Good job staying in POV.
CHARACTERS
Flatcher, Macomb, Louisa May, Spencer, maid, husband
Flatcher and Macomb were well fleshed out. I felt the author really knew these characters and was able to put them to paper in a way that brought them to life. The author captured mannerisms and accents well for the main characters.
DIALOGUE
Well done. Appropriate to the story.
SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
MECHANICS
I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
I thought this story totally captured that Irish fanstay story feel. It was fun to read.
POINT OF VIEW
This was told in the third person omniscient. Good job staying in POV
CHARACTERS
Rusty, the leprechaun, Miche, the bartender
I thought the author did a good job finding each character's niche in the story.
DIALOGUE
Dialogue pretty much drives the story. I thought the Irish translations were well-presented, if anything, I might suggest adding just a little bit more description. Not much needs to be added, I might embelish on the bar a little bit and really put the reader there in that setting.
SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
MECHANICS
I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. It was a good, well presented story.
For me, I saw the author questioning the pursuit of happiness.
WHAT I LIKED
Great job in expressing doubts, fears, worries, especially with regard to happiness. Most of the time I think we take this for granted - we are happy - but can such a pursuit lead us to unhappiness? The author asks very thought provoking questions.
This verse, my favorite, captures the essense of the poem well:
Is happiness like a flower,
in that first you must plant a seed?
Then spend all your days a-watching it,
lest it be vanquished by the weeds?
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem. There is no apparent rythme scheme.
MECHANICS
I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I was very impressed with the poem. I thought it was well polished and well presented. I really can't offer any suggestions as I feel you've captured the essense of what you wanted to say well. Good job.
The poem is about coping with death and the loss of someone important.
WHAT I LIKED
I think we all can relate to this poem if we've lost someone important. It's very engaging, nice to read.
FAV VERSE:
Taste these tears I cry
Waste your dreams inside
see through bloodshot eyes
and never sleep
We'll keep all roads open
For the marching of the sheep
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with rythme. Now I read the poem as if it had puctutation, which clearly established the meter for me. See next comment:
MECHANICS
If anything, a case could be made for puctuation. It would define the meter.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
As noted above. Also, I might suggest making the last two lines a couplet - it would really drive home the "intensity" of the poem since the word "sheep" is used effectively here.
Cariza goes on a mission in which she might lose her life.
WHAT I LIKED
The author has a great imagination and it comes across in this story.
POINT OF VIEW
This is written in the third person omniscient.
Third person is easy to write, but one thing I might suggest is to stay in one perspective. If you have to change from Cariza's to Tyronte's POV, use a line break. The style you use here is considered a "lonesome dove" style and can be disconcerting for the reader. Sometimes it works, when the reader needs to see multiple perspectives, but here the shifts are a bit jarring.
I would suggest telling this story strictly from Cariza's POV. This will also the reader to get to know her a lot better as a character.
CHARACTERS
Cariza, Tyronte (main)
Xyn, Penny, Jamal, various teammates in a supporting role.
Cariza seems the most fleshed out here, but she comes across as "Just" another character. She's not sympathetic, but she's not unsympathetic either. She's a bit self (going after Tyronte) but seems to want to do the honorable thing in figting Xyn. I might suggest approaching this character a little different in that it is okay to have her a little snobby towards others, but then you've got to use inner dialogue and narration to soften her out.
For example: You can have her make a play for Tyronte as it plays out in the chapter, but by adding some inner dialogue, some narration about her feelings, you soften her. By saying she has secretly longed to be with him since the moment she saw him, helps the reader to understand her motavations better.
If anything, all the characters mentioned could use a little bit more fleshing out. Tyronte likes Penny, but why?
Also, defining their mission and why are they are all together would help the reader to understand their interactions a little more.
As far the action sequence, it was well done.
DIALOGUE
Appopriate to the story.
SOUND
I might suggest doing an edit for choppy and uneven sentences.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for grammar/puctuation. There were various spelling and puctuation errors throughout.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS:
I might suggest spacing between dialogue tags and paragraphs. It's easier on the eyes here on WDC.
Try not to be so dialogue heavy. Blend in some narratation. Lillian's thoughts into her feelings with Paul would add a richness to her character.
The end of this chapter had a good cliffhanger and I do think the author has the knack for storytelling - in defining the characters better, and an edit for mechanics, this will make the story shine. I'd love to rate the author higher if they do an edit.
The author, in his byline, talks about hurting in this poem, but I think it could be interpreted in many ways. I took it as a man, hard on his luck, held accountable for his crimes, looking back on his life.
WHAT I LIKED
The feelings this poem evoked. My heart went out to the author.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem, no stanzas, no apparent rythme scheme. The meter matches the mood of the poem well, a bit choppy, and actually helps to caputure the hurt the author's feeling.
MECHANICS
I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
The poem captures the essence of longing and desire.
WHAT I LIKED
There's a pattern of nice, romantic imagery here. My favorite verse:
WHy do I crave, search
wander through the desert
lke a rootless Bedouwin
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with no apparent rythme scheme. The stanzas all contain three lines. The meter is little stilted and takes a little away from the "romantic" aspects of the poem.
MECHANICS
A case could be made for just a little bit more punctuation. In the verse mentioned above, I might suggest a "?" after Bedouwin.
PARTING THOUGHTS
Again, I really like the imagery and feeling. I thought you captured the longing for love well. I think by adding some more pucututation you might help to define the meter better.
When the town's "Lightening Man" dies, a man realizes his own problems in his marriage.
WHAT I LIKED
I love the author's style. He's easy to read, very engaging and gets to the heart of the matter using a very clean style. The troubles that Amanda and her husband have face couples every day. It's a good relationship story.
POINT OF VIEW
This is told in the first person by the husband.
DIALOGUE
Appropriate to the story.
SOUND
There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
MECHANICS
I did not notice any grammar/puctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
If might have been me, but I did not catch the name of the storyteller, the husband. I might drop it once in the story so I know who is telling it. Other than that, I have no suggestions. It was a good look at relationships and how easy they can go astray if we don't nuture them.
This is about a family who struggles to stay together throughout the hardships. Love pervails here, but it is a very sublime quality that hold them together.
POINT OF VIEW
This was told in the third person omniscient from Jessie's point of view.
Watch your point of view shifts. Occasionally we get Lillian's or Cecily's POV which can be disconcerting to the reader. Try to stay with Jessie's perspective throughout. This is called a "Lonesome Dove" shift, and some readers can find it disconcerting.
CHARACTERS
Lillian, Jessie, Cecily
Lillian and Jessie are very responsible while Cecily tries to make the best of a bad situtation.
DIALOGUE
Well done and appropriate to the story.
SOUND
I noticed one choppy sentence: "Lillian told her, "Then go lie down." and the girl went slowly up the stairs."
I might suggest rephrasing it for smoothness. "Go lie down, Cecily," Lillian said. Cecily got up and walked toward the stairs.
MECHANICS
There were minor grammar/puctuation mistakes I'm sure the author will catch on a re-read.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
Suggestions as mentioned above. Nice plot/pacing, keep writing.
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THE STORY
WHAT I LIKED
WHAT I LIKED
If anything, a case could be made for puctuation. It would define the meter.
Third person is easy to write, but one thing I might suggest is to stay in one perspective. If you have to change from Cariza's to Tyronte's POV, use a line break. The style you use here is considered a "lonesome dove" style and can be disconcerting for the reader. Sometimes it works, when the reader needs to see multiple perspectives, but here the shifts are a bit jarring. 
