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She's lost. Will he find her this time?
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Those Unforgettable Scenes
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Journey Through Genres
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Dr. Samuel Marks & friends arrive in 1513 & form the Society in the Shadow of Civilization
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I never knew I cared about the crazy brat.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sgcardin/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/55
Review Requests: ON
4,720 Public Reviews Given
4,944 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to come at a review from an editor's point of view. I look at: what I liked, perspective, tense, mechanics, does the opening hook me, show vs telling, and I try to offer suggestions. I always strive to be honest without being unkind.
Favorite Genres
Romance/Love, Action/Adventure, History, Military, Fantasy, Mainstream style stories.
Least Favorite Genres
I don't do dark stuff and I'm not into shrinking stories.
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Word Searches, Quizzes
I will not review...
Shrinking stories, Romance/Erotica stories that make me feel uncomfortable.
Public Reviews
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Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*THE STORY

A young girl learns that winning isn't everything.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the girl learns her lesson. Amy was a very sweet character.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Laurel. Good job with POV Narration. Past tense is used effectively.

*Star*DIALOGUE

I thought the dialogue was realistic.

*Star*[b}CHARACTERS

Amy and Laurel

Both were easy to relate to. I really idenified with Amy who went the extra mile to reach out to Laurel.

Laurel is a bit bratty to begin with, but by the end of the story, you can see how Amy has touched her life in a positive way.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot and spelling/punctutation mistakes. I might suggest watching out for repetation in sentences. For example, as written: "I hated her for that, and informed her of that." I might suggest: "I hated her for that and told her so."

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestions as noted above. I might also suggest spacing between paragraphs here on WDC to make it easier on the reader's eyes. I liked how the story told a message, but not in a "preachy" way.

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
Dimitri and Sharon
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Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Reading*THE POEM

This poem was contemplative of certain actions a person can make.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

The poem starts on a down note but ends on a high note, inspiring hope and bringing out courage. I liked how it looked a choice and decided it was the wrong one.

*Star*STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem and while there are rhymes, there is no scheme. I found the meter rhythmic and lulling.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot and spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

I have no suggestions for improvement. Expressive.

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
Dimitri and Sharon
1353
1353
Review of At Any Later Time  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*THE POEM

This is a love poem.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I thought this was a wonderful testiment to love. It was very positive and upbeat.

*Star*STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem with no apparent ryhme scheme. I might suggest spiliting the poem into stanzas as the poem progresses. Show us the visual progression as well.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot and spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestion as noted above. It is an endearing love poem.

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
Dimitri and Sharon
1354
1354
Review of Impossible Love  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Reading*THE IDEA

The author fleshes out an idea for a novel she'd like to write.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I thought this was a good exercise in helping to flesh out novel. It brainstorms characters and plot, and while the plot isn't clearly established, I could the author had a clear idea of the type of story she'd like to tell. This would be a good read for those beginning authors who want to tackle novel writing.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

As far the techincal aspects as to how this piece is presented, I have no suggestions for improvement. As to the idea or the plot presented, I would offer this suggestion.

Usually readers are willing to suspend belief on one major plot element. For fantasy novels, most are willing to believe in magic. When you have strong fanstay like Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, backed up by rich characterizations, readers are willing to suspend more. On Science Fiction, usually though, they are only willing to suspend the one major plot element. That said, the author will have to focus on the aspect of time travel to make the story work. That will have to developed to a believeable degree of workability so the reader will believe it.

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.

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Review of Let It Be...NOT  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Reading*THE ESSAY

The author talks about The Beatles - Let It Be Naked.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I thought the author explored the topic well. Being Beatles fan myself, I had to agree with a lot of the points she made.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. I liked how the author reviewed the history of "Let It Be." It was very imforative.

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.

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Review of Underworld  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Reading*THE STORY

Mr. Quaintick receives a letter inviting him to investigate a mystery.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I loved the voice in this story. It really drew me into Quaintick's world.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is written in the first person by Quaintick. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*DIALOGUE{?b}

The dialogue really captures the flavor of Quaintick's world.

*Star*CHARACTERIZATION

Quaintick (main)

He's like an investigator of sorts and reminded me a lot of Sherlock Holmes. If anything, I would have enjoyed seeing him fleshed out a little more.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

I would have loved to have had more descriptions. Touch on all the senses.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes, but I might suggest an edit for punctutation.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as noted above. I think the author could make a series of short stories from this.

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.

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Review of The Alley  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Reading*THE SAMPLE

This is a small scene/excerpt from the author of a woman running from something.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

There's a good blend of action and emotional content here. The woman is upset, confused, and yet finds the strength to confront her fears. While short, I liked how the author tapped into the anxiousness of the character.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the 3rd person by the woman. POV Narration stays on track. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest an edit for punctutation. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestion as noted above. I liked what I took away from this: "Face Your Fears." It's not an easy thing to do, but it is "real life" and something people have to do on a daily basis.

Keep writing!

Reviewed by StephB.

Another signature - Terrace Gardens
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Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Reading*THE STORY

The author takes a walk through several romantic spots, lamenting her own lack of a romantic life.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I loved the introspection here. I thought the author did a great job tapping into emotions and fleshing out the question we ask at one point or another - "What is love? What does it mean to have that significant other in our lives?"

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by the author. Past tense is used effectively.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling or puncutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

I have no suggestions for improvement. I enjoyed the ending and how the author came to their conculsions. I also thought the ending was hopeful and inspirational.

Reviewed by StephB.

Another signature - Terrace Gardens
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Review of Letter From Somme  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Reading*THE LETTER

A soldier writes about a battle he's been in (from World War I).

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

The ending paragraphs were great - I loved how the author tapped into emotion, talking about what was in his heart.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling or puncutation mistakes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

I have no suggestions for improvement. The description of the battle was good I thought, if not a little formal, but the 2nd to the last paragraph really taps into what the writer of the feeling and it brought the humanity of the writer.

Reviewed by StephB.

Angel Army Review Bear
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Review of Human  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Reading*THE STORY

Veronica realizes that the feelings Scott has for her are very real despite the fact he's a robot.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

There's a nice blend of genres here. The romance/love of it works nicely with the science fiction aspect.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person mainly from Veronica's perspective. I just have one note on POV narration where it switches to Scott for a little bit while in Veroncia's POV with the paragraph starting "She opened her eyes, pinning an impatient gaze on the flustered A.I...." You might want to tightened that up a little. We can't know what Scott is thinking if Veronica is telling the story. She can guess, but she doesn't know for sure unless he tells her. Past tense is used appropriately.

Line breaks were used correctly to shift scenes in the story.

*Star*DIALOGUE

I thought the dialogue was appropriate to the story.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Veroncia, Scott

I really enjoyed Scott and his flashbacks. Despite being a robot, he was very human and by the end of the story I had the sense that Veronica did make that connection with him.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

If anything, I would have enjoyed a few more descriptions. Since this is a futuristic world, just a sentence or two touching on Veronica's surrounding and giving a sense of where she was at would have added to the story.

*Star*FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS

The first 3 paragraphs peeked my interest regarding the role science fiction would play in the story and it kept me reading.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as noted above. I thought the plot/pacing of the story was just right.

Keep writing!

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
{image:1215252
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Review of Yucca Sky Ballet  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Reading*THE POEM

A wonderful depiction of a thunderstorm.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I loved the analogy of the storm as it rages to an orchestra as it plays.

*Star*STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem with the 2nd and 4th lines rythming. The meter felt elegant to me.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not not spot any spelling mistakes, however, a case could be made for punctuation.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as noted above. There's a lot of wonderful imagery in this poem. Thanks so much for sharing!

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.
{image:1215252
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Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Reading*THE STORY

The story follows a coin as it goes through a day's journey.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

The mystery is intriguing.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in various pov narration, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. POV shifts appropriately with line breaks. While I'm usually not a fan of 2nd person tense, the author does a wonderful job incorporating it into the story to where it works. I would recommend this to beginning authors as a good example of 2nd person narration.

Past tense is appropriately.

*Star*DIALOGUE

The dialogue is appropriate to story. There's a good balance of dialogue and narration.

*Star*MECHANICS & SOUND

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no choppy or uneven sentences.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

I found the coin took on a life of it's own as it traveled through various hands. Also, good descriptions throughout. I have no suggestions for improvement.

Keep writing.

Reviewed by StephB

Angel Army Review Bear
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Review of Party Hat  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
*Reading*THE STORY

A woman has a dark New Year's resolution.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I thought this was very sad. The author tapped into emotion well.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person by Janet. POV narration is good. Past tense is used correctly.

*Star*DIALOGUE

The dialogue is appropriate.

*Star*MECHANICS & SOUND

I might suggest an edit for spelling & puncutation.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

For being a short piece, I thought the author did a good job capturing Janet's character. The story's dark ending is delievered in such a manner the reader is emotionally shocked.

I might suggest spacing between paragraphs here on WDC to make it easier on the reader's eyes.

Keep writing.

Reviewed by StephB

Angel Army Review Bear
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Review of Men, Men, Men  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, it's StephBee Author IconMail Icon with a Simply Everything Review.

*Reading*THE ESSAY

The author talks about her roving eye.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

Again, this was a fun piece to read, and I'm with you. I am totally devoted to my husband, but I don't mind looking. While you have Mr. A, I have Roger Howarth, the soap actor. I have no idea how my husband gets by! Haha. *Laugh*

*Star*THE BODY

I think this is a topic that others can understand and identify with. I think it's only human. I liked the author's writing style. It's very easy and engaging, making this a good, fun read.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING TOUGHTS

I have no suggestions for improvement. Thanks for sharing.

Reviewed by StephB

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Review of Silence  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, it's StephBee Author IconMail Icon with a Review from the Sandbox.


*Reading*THE STORY

While in college a man is attracted to another man.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

This was a very romantic. The romance was a sutble layer in the subtext, which provided me with a slow, yet steady build of Jared's emotional state.

*Star*NARRATION/TENSE

The story is told in the first person from Jared's perspective. Tense switches from present to past and I might suggest writing the story in the past tense only.

*Star*DIALOGUE

I thought the dialogue was realistic. If anything, watch your dialogue tags and try not to include action inthe tag, use a seperate sentence. Simply write, "How was your test?" he asked. Then as if forgetting, he reached for his notebook, tucked haphaziderly under his arm.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Jared, Damon

Both are well fleshed out. It's easy to like both. Good job with characterization.

*Star*DESCRIPTIONS

There was just enough to paint the scenes.

*Star*FIRST 3 PARAGRAPHS

While not action oriented, I liked how the first 3 paragraphs grabbed any attention and held it. "We never speak of it. The subject is taboo," immediately peaks the reader's curiousity factor.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestion as noted above. A very romantic read.

Keep Writing!

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.

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Review of Marketing Basics  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, it's StephBee Author IconMail Icon with a Bard's Hall Review.

*Reading*THE STORY

A woman makes a new year's resolution to lose weight.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I loved the plot. It was very Stephen King-esque in that horror can be found in the simpliest things.

*Star*NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person from Courtney's perspective. Good job with past tense.

*Star*CHARACTERS

I liked Courtney a lot. She was down to earth and I could easily identify with her struggle and desire to lose weight.

*Star*DIALOGUE

Good job with the dialogue.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. I liked the ending. It was perfect. The story fit the writing prompt and the word count was listed for the contest.

Good luck!

Reviewed by StephB

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Review of The End?  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Reading*THE POEM

The byline sums up the poem perfectly - A soul at war.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I thought the author did a good job exploring those things which can eat away at a soul.

*Star*STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem with every other line rythming.

*Star*MECHANICS

A case could be made for punctuation in the 2nd and 3rd stanzas.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as noted above. This poem made me feel the struggle the soul was experiencing.

Keep Writing.

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.

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Review of Insignificant ?  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*THE POEM

I thought this poem addressed the question, "Why am I here?"

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I loved the last stanza. It was very upbeat and positive.

*Star*STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem with the 2nd and 4th lines rythming.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. I might suggest not to skip lines within the stanzas. While it's not hard to read, it is disconcerting to see the poem spaced so far out.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. A very inspirational poem.

Keep Writing.

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.

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Review of When a Cop Sleeps  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Reading* THE POEM

This poem is about what haunts a police officer when he sleeps.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

Sadly, I think that TV today hasn't done enough to make a police officer appear "human" to the viewing public. This poem brings out that humanity.

*Star*STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem with no apparent rythme scheme. There is no meter.

*Star* MECHANICS & SOUND

There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. A very good, thought provoking poem.

Keep Writing!

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.

Dimitri and Sharon
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Review of Jesus the Mortal  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Reading* THE ESSAY

An opinion piece on what makes Jesus "human."

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

The author's arguements are clear and consise. I thought the examples were great - well thought out and aruged effectively.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* MECHANICS & SOUND

There were no uneven or choppy sentences. I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. If anything, while the essay touches on the human need to eat and to suffer, I might also suggest touching on the need for female companionship. I think that will round out the essay. Still, that's a matter of personal choice. This is one of the better essays I've seen here on WDC.

Keep Writing!

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.

Another signature - Terrace Gardens
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1371
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, it's StephBee Author IconMail Icon with a Review from the Sandbox..

*Reading*THE STORY

A look at Bill and Martha's complicated relationship.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

This is a very character driven story. There's no much action, but I liked the characterization. Dark in places, but real.

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is written in the third person limited, mainly from Bill's perspective. I had a note around "Martha watched his figure..." as the POV switches from that point to her. I might suggest either a line break at a min. to change POV or keeping it strictly in Bill's POV. Some readers find POV switches disconcerting and confusing and most editors shy away from stories told in a multiple POV.

Past tense is used effectively.

*Star*CHARACTERS

Bill & Martha.

Bill is a drunk and Martha is his beleagured wife. Again, the characterization is fantastic and the strongest part of the story.

*Star*DIALOGUE

I found the dialouge to be a little halting. Also, the first dialogue between Bill & Martha is written almost as if this were a screenplay. The correct way would be:

"Martha?" asked Bill.
"No, Bill," replied Martha.
"Why?" asked Bill.

*Star*MECHANICS & SOUND

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

My next suggestion would be to tighten the structure of the story up. While the sentences are complete, they don't feel smooth. For example, as written:

In the dull half-light of the morning, in which Bill would try and pickup the fragments of the night before, he would remember the conversation going something to the effect of:

I might suggest: As Bill laid in bed the following morning, trying to pick through the fragments of the night before, he remembered that Martha hadn't changed.

"Martha?"
"No, Bill."
"Why?"

Mind you, this basically is a matter of style and these are only suggestions for you which you can use or not.

My last suggestion is that the ending seems to just fall off as Bill goes in search of another drink. I might suggest tightening it up a little.

I'd love to rate the author higher if they do an edit.

Reviewed by StephB

** Image ID #1034319 Unavailable **
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Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, it's StephBee Author IconMail Icon with an Angel Army Port Raid Review.

*Reading* THE BIOGRAPHY

This is a biography of Henry VIII's second wife, Anne Boelyn.

*Smile*WHAT I LIKED

I thought this was very comprehensive and gave the reader a great overview of Anne's life.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.

*Star*SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS

I have no suggestions for improvement. An easy biography to read.

Keep Writing!

Reviewed by StephB

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Review of The Last Round  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Reading* THE STORY

This is a flash fiction which deals with Charley's experiences in Iraq.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

It is a challenge to tell a story in the flash fiction format, the author really taps into some heartfelt, poignant emotions here. Good job!

*Star*POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited in Charley's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense used appropriately.

*Star*MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.

*Star*CHARACTERS

The story packs in a lot of characterization here. It's definately more character driven than plot driven. We take a look at Charley on guard duty and get to know him well before the war interupts us.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. A sad, yet true to life read.

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.

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Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*THE POEM

A poem about why we escape to "fanstay" from time to time.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I've done this myself, escape for awhile and I think the reader will be able to identify with the poem because of that. The third stanza sums the reason for escaping well.

*Star*STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem with the 1st and 3rd lines rythming.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes, but I might suggest an edit for punctutation in the second stanza.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. Good job with capturing emotion.

Keep Writing!

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.

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Review of Voiceless  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*THE VIGNETTE

A sad vignette of a couple eating lunch who make an important decision that will effect their life.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

The vignette captured the scene and the feeling of scene well.

*Star*POV NARRATOION

This is written in the third person omniscent. Good job with narration.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star*PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

My only suggestion would be to space between paragraphs here on WDC. Makes it easier on the reader's eye. You might also want to enclose a note on what the prompt was.

The last line seems up the emotion well and struck a perfect note of sadness. Unfortunately most relationships end this way and I think most will be able to identify with this vignette.

Keep Writing!

Reviewed by StephB from the Sandbox.

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