You certainly have caught this character at a time of crisis in his life. What can be more frustrating than being in an accident and helpless to control what is happening? I think we all fear this scenario in our own lives--or worse yet, have lived through it ourselves.
You have brought a lot of tension to the table, along with a lot of unanswered questions, which I feel the story didn't answer adequately. The ending left me hanging, without any issues really being resolved. This may have been your intention, to lead the readers to conclude that the wife had died, but the doctors were still undermining the character's concerns with their "baby talk".
You have all the bones of a good story here. A crisis, a character who is helpless at the moment. A setting a reader can empathize with. I think with a little tweaking this could be one heck of a thriller.
This is a beautiful poem. It seems to symbolize our fallen heros. It is a simple poem on the surface but it has layers of meaning that I am reading between the lines.
I love the rhythm you have established in this poem. It is not often to run into this unique rhythm. Though iambic, instead of the usual five unstressed and stressed syllables, you have only used four. I felt it was a very pleasing rhythm that seemed to echo the sadness with its repeating rhythm. I am no poet, by any stretch of the imagination, but I could feel this rhythm in your poem.
There were several words I noticed that broke your rhythm, though. I don't know if this was a deliberate device or just feeling from your heart. But I thought I would at least mention them. Please remember this is only my opinion.
The word easy--the last word in your second verse was one of the words that broke the rhythm. While it is two syllables, it would have to be pronounced e-Z with the stress on the second syllable to fit the meter. I was wondering if you re-phrased that second line to something like this--His goal in life, to keep me free wouldn't say the same thing, and keep your established rhythm?
The 4th line of the third stanza, Descending about without a sound. I think would sound better by changing the word about by dropping the 'a'. Then the line would read: Descending 'bout without a sound.
The same goes for the word 'even' in the fourth stanza. By dropping the 'v' out of the word, it becomes e'en. My head refused to e'en believe.
In the third line of the 4th stanza, by taking out 'next to' and replacing it with 'by' it becomes Now as I sit here by the sea
The last line, by reversing tears and laughter and dropping the word 'will' the line becomes No tears or laughter come from me.
These are just suggestions, though. Take what you like, and leave the rest.
This poem you wrote is such beautiful a tribute to a fallen hero. To all fallen heros and the loved ones left behind. It touched my heart. Great job!
Although, horror is not my genre of choice, this story caught my interest with the title. Your descriptions and setting drew me right into your story. I felt his growing feelings of unease, in that creepy old house. The plot twist and surprise ending were nice touches. Great job!
I did find these few spelling/grammar errors in reading your story. I have underlined the part that I thought needed a little touch-up:
schemes for revenge in that depressed- almost pushed over the edge head of hers, (I think it should read, depressed, almost pushed-over-the-edge, head of hers)
smothered by bundled-up (,) undernourished hair wrapped tightly in a cafeteria(-)style hair net.
...stomped over to the living room(,)temporarily forgetting....
carefully (,) not to strain his old back.(to avoid straining...)
Lansky, River‘s superior(,) at the factory claims she...
these small errors look like they were mostly typos, so I haven't docked you for them in my rating. Please remember, though, these suggestions are only my opinion.
This is a well-written story. A well-rounded character presentation. Great imagery in your descriptions. I enjoyed reading it, I must admit. Well Done.
Glad to have you with us on the website. You're gonna love this place.
Your article is straight and to the point. I hope I haven't accidently been guilty of anonymous rating.
I do think though, if a person is busy, take myself for instance, and I don't have time to review a piece, I at least like to rate it. I subscribe to a number of newsletters, and I like to read the recommended items in the newsletters. That is when I am prone to just rate an item if I am really busy. I always thought that was the courteous thing to do. I would hate to think that my motives have been misunderstood.
I never thought about it, but does it come up as anonymous when you click on rate this item without reviewing it also?
I would never send a low rating to an author that I am just rating, by the way. You made a good point about that in your article. I certainly wouldn't want to receive an extremely low rating without an explanation. So I wouldn't send one either.
Is there ever a time when it is all right to just rate an item?
By the way, I have just ordered your book, Two Worlds Apart. I can't wait to read it.
I did enjoy your article. I think we all should think twice before we hit that rate and review button. It is certainly something to think about all the way around.
Again, I am just staggered by this folder. The organization alone is commendable. It is neat as a library shelf. But every article and essay you have researched and written is incredible. There is no way I would have time to read them all, although I would like nothing better. You have written about such a variety of women. What a gift you have for organization and research. You have a wonderful collection here. I can't wait to get started reading some ot them. I am totally impressed!!!
This folder is so well organized. I am impressed with it and with all the research you have done on these women. You have put a lot of hard work into all of this. And, it shows. Well Done!
It took great courage to write this candid story of what can happen in the blink of an eye during a divorce. It contains some very good advice for those in that position. 5 's for content!
There are a few editing errors--a couple of misspelled words, etc. that are easily edited out, so I didn't really consider them in my overall impression of this story.
I was more impressed with your honesty, and the word to the wise theme your story portrayed.
As none of us knows what tomorrow can bring, I will keep your warning in mind.
Cool story! Great solution to the water shortage in our country, but somehow, I think the idea will catch on about as quickly in this country (America) as trading in our cars for bicycles.
Your story was well-written and I enjoyed it. Good luck in the contest with it.
This story tickled my funny bone. You have a unique sense of humor, and the awesome ability to laugh at yourself.
I am proud of what you wrote about your wife's "task."
As I headed out the next day I had a new respect for what Laura does at home. Laura’s transition from attorney to zookeeper looked seamless to me. Apparently, there is more to watching the children than just watching them. Luckily, we decided that Laura would stay home with the kids, a task I now call “working from home”.
You did a great job on writing this. I didn't see any spelling/grammar errors.
I enjoyed your story, and would be happy to read more of your work. Well done!
I loved this story. Isn't it amazing that whole towns can put off auroas like that? What a blessing to your family to have a town make you feel so welcome in such an inhospitable climate. Your tribute to them was so touching. Well Done!
Oh my goodness. Did this article ever need to be written. I feel it was written just for me.
I have only been on the website a few months and it does hurt when I get negative reviews of my work. Sometimes I have been so tempted to do and say some of the very things about which your article spoke.
I am so glad I didn't, even when I wanted to. I will take all your good advice to heart, and will make better use of reviews I receive in the future. Even the negative ones.
I think you have caught a moment of crisis in these two people's lives that is worth telling.
You write well. I saw very few grammar mistakes (mostly misplaced commas). You know how to get your thoughts on paper well.
However, this story has no dynamic movement to it. You are telling us everything that happened instead of showing it to us. There was no dialogue. Try imagining your story as a play where all the action is through dialogue and movement of the characters.
I really think you story idea is good, but most readers want more action than what you've got in this one.
I used to make the same mistake. Someone was kind enough to tell me I needed to let me readers see what was happening, not tell them. That was the most helpful thing anyone ever told me, and my stories are so much better now.
I hope you will accept my advice in the spirit it was given, with a view to helping you improve your story. This could be one heck of a story. Can you imagine the drama if it was a movie?
By the way, a very warm welcome to Writing Dot Com. You are going to love it here. Best wishes for your writing.
What a beautifully-tender moment you have captured in this story. You had such a perfect combination of description and dialogue that I could feel the illusion of being there in the scene. Great writing.
I know I am supposed to offer both negative, as well as positive, feedback to you. However, I have nothing negative to say. You have done an excellent job with your writing.
You've woven all the elements of good writing into a wonderful story that re-captures one of those unforgettable moments we all have stored somewhere in our hearts from our own youth and first love.
What a fascinating story. I think it left a lot of unanswered questions such as what happened to cause such an anomaly as her suddenly becoming her grandmother, but it was never-the-less interesting. I enjoyed reading it.
As a Florida gulf-coast native, whose ancestors no doubt contributed to the depletion of the sea-turtle population by their deplorable occupation on summer moon-light nights of turning turtles coming on the beach to lay their eggs, it was just wonderful to read your story about doing your part to help save this beautiful sea creature.
Your essay was well-written. I found no spelling/grammar errors to mar my enjoyment of reading about your noble deed.
One thing I would have liked to have seen in this essay was why you were doing it. Were you just a concerned citizen, employee of some conservation group or what?
Not that this was an error, or anything. But, it did leave a question in my mind. I guess writers are just a curious lot.
However, this ommision did not detract in any way from the beautiful sharing of your night on the beach helping these tiny creatures on their way to the sea.
This story touched my heart, as it will many others, I know. You are not alone anymore!
Your story, and your way of handling the situation has been courageous. Stories like yours need to be told, as this issue becomes more common.
I do have a question about this sentence:
...we live in a state that have protection for gays,...
Did you mean to say we do not live in a state...?
I don't know if it because you are new, or if it was intentional, but to be open to review by others, you need to put a rating on your piece. I would recommend 18+. Also, it is easier on the readers to double-space between paragraphs. I remember someone kindly pointing this out to me when I first joining WDC.
This story was well-written except for a few editing errors that other writers here on the website would only be too happy to help you with, as well as I.
You don't know it yet, but you have come to a wonderful world of support for your writing. This place is genuine. You are going to love it here.
A very warm welcome to Writing Dot Com.
If I can be of any assistance, do not hesitate to ask.
I loved your unique sense of humor in this story that kept me chuckling throughout it. I liked your virus Renovati Repeatus especially. What an original way to say our family moves a lot!
Your characterization ofThe Major made this cockatoo come alive on the page. I learned a lot about cockatoos in general,as well.
Your story was interesting and informative, and without any errors that I noticed.
Your humorous conclusion was the perfect finish for this story.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading Too Cocky by Half , and look forward to reading more of your work. It was a real treat.
This story is just too cool. I know writing is supposed to be a lonely business, but there is a big difference between alone, and lonely. That is what your story seemed to say to me. We writers have the entire universe and beyond right inside our heads. How can we ever be bored?
Your descriptions, and how you built the character of Meredith, was fantastic. The plot built right up to that conclusion, which was really a great plot twist. It snuck up on me! I do love little surprises like that.
There was one place you lost me, though.
She picks it up cautiously and hangs it over the hook on the wall where it instantly turns back into a jug chord.
What is a jug chord?
I enjoyed this story. It was a pleasure to read. There was an almost personification of a writer's mind as a second character that was just very original and interesting.
I am not surprised this story placed in the Short Shots contest last month. It is extremely well-written.
I love your setting and your descriptions. Your opening paragragh, especially, gives so many details of the beach, that I can see it in my mind's eye so clearly that through the rest of the story, that picture is firmly locked in place.
The background makes a sharp contrast for the main character, Dave, who, instead of enjoying that scene, is seeking closure for a relationship gone bad.
The ending was perfect. It seems to say that we must put behind us what can't be changed and get on with our lives.
You did a great job, and congrats on placing in the contest.
This survey was incredibly easy to understand and fill out, even for newbies like myself. I don't always have it that easy filling in the blanks in some items, and I appreciate the ease of this one.
I have enjoyed taking part in your birthday celebration--my first here on WDC. I can assure you, it won't be my last.
What a loving tribute to those unsung heros in your family. I suppose every family has them. But not many have the talent to memorialize them so elequently in words.
The detailed description of each one of those five heros, encapsulating those couragous acts, made them so real I feel as if I know them a little. Thanks for sharing them with us.
I know it couldn't have been easy writing this from an emotional standpoint, yet you kept control of the story, never digressing from your theme.
Your candid admissons of your own humanity were inspiring, in themselves.
You have a very talented family. I enjoyed the photos you included. Thanks for sharing your family with us.
You are a very talented writer, and as this story was as well-written as your other work, I can find nothing to point to that could possibly improve what I feel is a finished story already.
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