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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/simondoerr
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20 Public Reviews Given
23 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I will give the kind of review that I wish people gave me: rather detailed with emphasis on areas that need growth and areas that are pretty good already. And I'll review pretty much anything, whether a poem or an entire novel or anything in between
I'm good at...
editing Fantasy books. I've read more fantasy books than pretty much anybody, and I'm willing to read longer books including novels.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi, Non-fiction
Least Favorite Genres
Romance
Favorite Item Types
Novel, Novella, Book
Least Favorite Item Types
Interactive Stories
I will not review...
anything with graphic descriptions of sex/war and retain discretion to not review books that fall too far outside my moral standards.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's hard to find good shakespearean elegance, and i was immediately impressed how you managed to use both the same rhyme and poetry scheme as a typical shakespeare work and his old english words and expressions.
Man, I should start reviewing worse works. When one reviews good works, like this one, one runs out of stuff to review rather quickly. It's a remarkable work when the only thing there is to critique is near the end: this paragraph -
Philip:
So be it, then. But mark me, willful boy—
One note amiss, and banishment’s thy lot!
Play on, thou Jazz, but tread with cautious step,
For Bel-Air’s patience is no trifling jot.
This paragraph doesn't quite fit for two reasons. First, why can he just banish him? Bel-Air is not very clearly defined so far, but this seems to contradict what was implied earlier. But the more important and noticeable problem, subtle as it is, is in the last line I copied. This, instead of saying that Bel-Air's patience is thin, which would fit the rest of the paragraph, says that Bel-Air's patience is great. Odd.
All in all, though, a refreshing and good-humored read. Congratulations, and I hope to see a follow-up soon!
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by Maryann Author Icon
2
2
Review of All the New Gods  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is truly a remarkable scene, and the effect is conveyed elegantly. As I often say, the better a work is, the pickier a reviewer has to get about it, and so I'll provide some exceedingly detailed and picky assessments.
"I am hoping the holes in this weary sun... I am hoping it's dying..."
The I am doesn't flow very well, nor does it sound natural. Try "I'm hoping... I'm hoping..." instead.
"The vines creep." This sentence is incredibly random, jutting out like a sore thumb from your flowered elegance, its clipped fear not matching the flowing despair. While that could be used effectively, it's not placed in a good position to hit properly and just seems out of place.
My third critique is a peculiar one. Your item description is pretty weak. I don't have any suggestions of what it could be instead, but it doesn't match the story. You can disregard that if you want.
But, overall, an exceptional story and I really got what you were going for. Nice job!

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by Maryann Author Icon
3
3
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
First of all, nobody likes a grammar Nazi, but at the same time, everybody needs to be a grammar Nazi. Even apart from the glaring eAvery at the start, quite often a space is omitted or punctuation, making it considerably harder to follow.
But as for the actual content, first, I like the font of the body of the story. It gives a great vibe. However, the poem's font is very very striking. i'm not sure whether it is brilliant or a travesty. Remember to start a new line for each different speaker, as when they're all clumped together it makes it hard to read and difficult to tell who's talking. The poem could strike better. I know, I've tried writing prophecies myself, that it's incredibly difficult to write a good one, but as this seems to be such an integral part of the forthcoming remainder of the book, it could use a bit of revision to add a bit more mystery and flair.
this story certainly has some potential, but even with the revisions listed above, the writing is rather weak. Try establishing a style for the narrator, as he jumps from very informative to very casual abruptly (perhaps you could solve the parentheses with footnotes?) and his sentences are either very very short or very run-on. Moderation in all things.
Although it may seem like I think this work is terrible, it isn't really, especially for a first work. The dialogue is excellent, and the ideas posed here make it a good opening chapter, even with the errors listed above.
Good luck on your writing journey!
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Review of Empty  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The first thing that struck me about this item, was the tense shift, how it goes from present to past, as if you don't intend to keep being there. But maybe, you don't have to just be there for them, they can be there for you. I don't even really know you, but yet, I can still say YOU MATTER!
As for the subject matter... what if the people who look happy and cheerful are actually just masking it just like you? what if you're not the only one who feels like that? what would your friends say if they saw you had written this? what if you're important? or if they blame themselves for the struggle you're going through?
as I said in the other reviews of your items, almost all of my friends are depressed. in fact, I just talked to one of them who felt just this way last night. about how sometimes it doesn't just get better on its own. how sometimes you need to do something about it, to help your friends help you to do something about it, to not give up without a fight.
You are not a failure, and you are not an object. You are a person and you matter.
5
5
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
It's sad how most people don't even try to see both sides of things like this, how they make an assumption and never question it, how they make themselves feel better by bringing down the people who are already struggling. How if they don't understand, they don't even try to.

As for the poetry - the most striking and impressive part about it was how you managed to rhyme the last word of every single line. How you managed so many rhymes of that was remarkable... except for the one line where it doesn't rhyme. It seems as though that line is supposed to hit harder, but for me it just seemed out of place.
I'm of the opinion that rhyme and rhythm belong together, but that's probably just personal preference.
It does hit somewhat hard, but most of that is simply because of the subject matter. More descriptive language would be appreciated, but the unique rhyme system does inhibit that, admittedly.

I hope you find, or, better yet, have found somebody who isn't just being polite.
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Review of A Dirty Canvas—  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
...I'm sorry. you write what you know, and sadly enough, I can honestly say that almost all of my friends are like that. If you want somebody who won't "dress their disgust in paper-thin concern", I can certainly be that. And even if you don't, I sincerely hope that you get through it and that you can remember that it doesn't last forever. And I'd like you to know that i'm impressed that you conquered your fears at least somewhat, sharing your story and that you're clearly still here.

Now, onto the poem. It's very obvious that you know the subject matter all too well. You paint it excellently, successfully contriving accurately what you're going for, and best yet, your grammar was spectacular, which isn't very common on this site. This is, and I'm not trying to be flattering, a truly spectacular work, and I don't have much to critique about it. Ingeniously only has one u, but apart from that, it has a great attention getter, a great ending, and great descriptive language in between. Sorry I didn't have more to critique about it, but it certainly earned the 5-star rating I'm giving it.

And just remember - you are not alone.
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Review of Abby Lane  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First of all, you write what you know. This isn't the first time I've read a book like this, and sadly, the people I know who write like this went through many of the same things. If you want to talk about them, I can be here.
The second most important thing: the google doc link you put on the top isn't public access. I couldn't open it.
The formatting isn't as could as it could be, a more handwritten font would really add a lot, but I understand that it should probably be this way for readability. I'm assuming a lot of the misspellings and bad grammar along with incorrect punctuation was to enhance the fact that it was a diary, but it did make it hard to follow and pay attention to.
It's not exactly my style, but that's personal preference. For the route you went down, I think you did pretty well. However, it is extremely disjointed. Some of the time skips made sense, but most of them it's just like "Oh, yeah, I wasn't on here, but guess what: nothing changed!" It's very repetitive as well, he keeps saying the same things over and over with no added emphasis. If you're going to have him say the same thing over and over, he should add some emphasis. Add some anger! More exclamation points. Even depressed people aren't only depressed.
Nextly, the event where he falls off the roof is so abrupt. It's a very integral part of the story, and it comes out of nowhere, not even the slightest buildup to an event that should have quite a bit of it, and is very little described. I know, a lot of these oversights can fall under the blanket of "It's a diary. He just writes weird.", but a diary is where you write your deepest feelings, and he doesn't seem to have many feelings other than the basic "doom and decimation".
Is he writing this on paper and it's copied into this document? If he is, it should have more ink blots/crossed out parts. This is a diary. They do that sort of thing. If he is originally writing this on a document, there should be more times when he smashes the keyboard. However, I don't think it would work very well to have him be writing this onto a computer, so I think it would be a nice touch to have him be writing in pen with the errors that come with that, bringing me back to the handwriting font. Oh, well.
There are some spelling discrepancies where it seems as though he deliberately misspells a word, spells it right later, and then deliberately misspells it again, most notably with "prostitute".
On a not very related note, the rating might be more accurately put as 18+.
Despite all this criticism above, this was quite well written. You conveyed the story pretty accurately, especially through your characterization, each character's actions fit their personality, and the struggle seems real. Nice job!
If you want me to review a different one of my works, I can do so, and I would appreciate if you reviewed one of mine. Thanks for reaching out!
8
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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! Fantasy is my subject of expertise, as I've read over half of the fantasy section in my school's library (over 400), and I'm pleased to say that if this were to continue as it has been so far, it would be in my top 20 (and that's saying something). A truly enthralling tale you spin, and I'm always a stickler for informal writers. Funny, unique, and somehow managed to avoid repetitiveness throughout the whole thing. Impressive. I really don't have much else to say. If you ever get around to writing more of this, I'd like to be one of the first to know. Sorry that I don't really have many suggestions, if any. I mean, as in any story, there are a few grammar and punctuation issues (mostly punctuation), most previously the lack of a period at the end of the second-to-last line, but far fewer than most books on here. I'd say the book it most related to to me was The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss. I think you'd like him a good bit, if you haven't already read about him. Although there is the small problem that he never got around to writing the third book of that series... amazing job. If I could give it 5.5 stars, I would.


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9
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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have a point, and your usage of repetition to emphasize said point is quite effective. I understood what you were going for and you had a quite convincing argument. However, there was a major problem. The capitalization is very strange, almost as if it is poetry. However, if so, shouldn't each phrase be on a different line? It made it rather hard to concentrate on. Other than that, it was exceptional, especially the amount of emphasis generated per word!

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10
10
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Ouch! The poem truly hits hard, the emphatic statement at the end not seeming out of place, encapsulating perfectly that moment when there's nothing left to do. I really enjoyed also how it doesn't drag at all, using not enough to make it long in the slightest while at the same time leaving nothing out. My only suggestion might be to use more creative words. Perhaps having a thesaurus at hand would help, because pretty much every word in that is very common. But this poem truly deserves the 5 stars i'm giving it.


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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nice work! Congratulations on your first day on the site. I really enjoyed how you actually formatted! So many pieces on here don't have any formatting, and it was a great refresher to see one center aligned with a nice large font. It was also fun that I clicked on this as a person from America, expecting American football, and it brought a smile to my face to realize it was the other kind of football. As for the work itself, the vivid imagery really brought a great sense of emotion into the piece. It was concise but still packed with meaning, and I really enjoyed the brief time I spent reading it. Great job and I hope you have a great experience on this site!
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Review of Lonesome Cabin  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! I loved the mood, although it did get a bit too dark for my taste. That's just personal preference, though. I felt as though it was really interesting how you rhymed the endings of four lines in a row. I haven't really seen that much before, and it really added something to it. I would say, however, that the couple of paragraphs with five lines, you should get rid of one of them. They really messed up the flow and just seemed... wrong. Other than that, exceptional!
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Review of Shine Far  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like it. It paints a nice picture and the figurative language is truly fitting for the type of poetry it is. A couple minor things: first, perhaps add some rhythm to it? It feels like there should be, reading it quietly to myself, but if one tries to add some rhythm as it is now, it feels very disjointed. Secondly, shouldn't there be a comma before 'it's only bliss'? That's just me being very picky, don't feel bad that you missed that one. Great job!
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Review of First draft start  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is really well written. I like your descriptive language and how the conversation wasn't just quotation followed by another basic quotation. My only suggestion would be to read it aloud to yourself. Some of the sentences don't quite makes sense, and I think reading this aloud to yourself would help catch some of the simple mistakes. Apart from that, it really drew me in while it lasted. Great job!
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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice attention catcher! I liked your descriptive language and how you made his feelings seem palpable. There were a couple aspects of it, however, that diminished seriously from the reading experience. First of all, you switched verb tenses a lot. It would make it a lot more coherent if it were all in present tense or all in past tense. The other thing that could be improved was the choppiness of it all. There seemed to be little to no conjunctions, and it didn't flow smoothly. Overall, though, pretty good!
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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! It was really cool how you took something pretty boring and normal, troubleshooting a computer, and made it into a downright impressive story. I especially liked your descriptive language, really pulling me into the story instead of just having plain dialogue. The double spacing also made it visually nice. All in all, great job!
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