\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/simondoerr
Review Requests: ON
74 Public Reviews Given
81 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I will give the kind of review that I wish people gave me: rather detailed with emphasis on areas that need growth and areas that are pretty good already. And I'll review pretty much anything, whether a poem or an entire novel or anything in between. Admittedly, though, I do tend to be absent-minded, so it does happen that you might have to resend me the review request, but I promise I'll get around to it eventually.
I'm good at...
editing Fantasy books. I've read more fantasy books than pretty much anybody, and I'm willing to read longer books including novels.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi, Non-fiction
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica
Favorite Item Types
Novel, Novella, Book
Least Favorite Item Types
Interactive Stories
I will not review...
anything with graphic descriptions of sex/war and retain discretion to not review books that fall too far outside my moral standards.
Public Reviews
<   1  2  3   >
1
1
Review of An Odd Duck  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a really nice work. I came across it far earlier in the day, and couldn't get the cliffhanger out of my mind, and so I figured I might as well go back and tell you about it. I hadn't ever thought of taking a story like this from the perspective of somebody who isn't the perpetrator, and it was a great idea.
I read it in the first place because I saw "duck" in the title and I love ducks. Sadly, no ducks involved, but still well-written.
I don't know, she makes sense to me. Maybe because I'm an odd duck myself...
"Then, one afternoon, ..." rather than "Then one afternoon, ...", this isn't a journal entry, it seems, as all other grammar and punctuation is perfect, something nobody does on accident.
As I said, amazing cliffhanger, love how there isn't even anything after it, and a nice read overall. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
2
2
Review of Winter Fire  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This poem flows really well. I'm always a fan of ellipses (...) and they do seem to add quite a bit to the read-aloud-ability of this poem. The rhythm is simple enough, and the rise and fall of the verses and how it should be read was clear to me, which was really nice.
As for meaning, (although I'm not an expert on meaning, I take things too literally), it was a bit confusing, but I feel as if it would have made a lot of sense had I been able to get my head around what "distant pains we should retire" was referring to. I could get your analogies (impressive, uncommon), but couldn't quite piece it all together. Your simple subtitle did help.
I liked your title, just making sure you intended to repeat the first paragraph in the fourth paragraph, but it did make sense there, the half-as-long verse in the middle a nice touch, and oh, yeah, it was really good how your lines were almost all the same length.
The emotion could have come through a little more, but I'm not sure how I'd do that in your shoes.
All in all, I liked reading this poem (honestly did, most poems are boring to read), and I hope to see more of your work in the future. Thanks for finding your way here, however you did, and keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review, feel welcome to join!
3
3
Review of Life is Good  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, relieving that this is fiction, not real, otherwise that would have been quite a travesty. One moth causing a disaster for weeks is something the world could indeed use less of.
Your humor at the start and end of the work is a nice touch and far improved what would otherwise have been a rather boring work. The talking seemed real, which was nice, if assumed as a journal entry, which it seems to be.
Some of the grammar isn't perfect, but that just makes it feel more realistic, as most people don't think in complete sentences all the time.
For the sake of a suggestion, unless you want the writer to sound bouncy and hyper, you could use some ellipses (...) or other trails to make it seems less butterfly-y, flitting from one thought to another, rambling. For example, one could be used before the third sentence - "How can two small children do so much damage to the cleanliness of a house in such a short time? ...ok, two small and one huge." Just a suggestion.
This was a nice read from top to bottom. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
4
4
Review of nonsense  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is some quite nice free verse, reads nicely (unlike a lot of poetry I've come across), interesting enough to keep me reading to the end, and perplexing enough to make me read it through a second time just to make sure I got what it meant.
I will say, your color choice makes it nearly illegible, the light blue only barely showing up on the white background. I know it adds ambiance and atmosphere and does fit the work, but, well, it's almost illegible, especially for some of the older users on here.
In addition, I know the title of the work is "nonsense", so it's not supposed to make sense, but I wasn't sure whether the writer was still in love or not in love at all with the other person. Perhaps that could be a little bit clearer.
However, I did like reading this work, and I do hope to see more of your work in the future. Keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
5
5
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is indeed a nice essay, as it intends to be, with insightful insights (as all insights ought to be) that I really should apply more and that do seem to make sense.
Alas, though, the loss of time to sleep! 24 hours is never 24, merely 16, 15, 20 if one is unwise... but always lost.
I do wonder what happened to the fourth chapter. Was it simply not memorable? Not applicable? Or lost?
I also really like how you formatted this. It makes it quite easy to read, unlike most things on here, which is a quite pleasant surprise.
Do you often find it easy to track time? Usually I find that my 24 hours, so to speak, don't flow straight, or I can only really take advantage of a couple of them and the rest simply are useless. Maybe that's just me, I see things differently than most people.
I suppose there is only one true suggestion: you do seem to be missing an "are" in your subtitle, it goes straight from "here" to "a" which isn't quite right. Nothing wrong about the work itself.
Thanks for sharing this work, true to your handlebar, and keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
6
6
Review of Sophia's Library  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was a remarkably creative work, one I never would have thought of. Turning the initial picture, which seemed to be life growing out of books, and shaping it into apocalyptic and then romantic work in such a short work is quite remarkable. It really did seem like a full story in a short snapshot.
Another nice facet was how you really did seem to know what you were talking about during the work, which really added to the 'realism' (all work should be somewhat realistic, even sci-fi/apocalyptic works), which was great for comprehension.
The whole story flows like it's storytelling in and of itself, which is really nice.
I don't have many suggestions on how to improve the work. There isn't really a necessary element of suspense, which is pretty much the only thing it's missing, but it wouldn't really fit the work. Maybe a bit more showing rather than telling?
Thanks for sharing this nice work, and I hope to see more like it in the future. Keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
7
7
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I've chessed every so often, but I'd imagine it's more majestic with better players. I really enjoy your backdrop for your story, how you put it in a park with chess. It provides a really nice place for your plot to work. I've seen far too many works with too much philosophy and thinking and they forgot the action. Granted, we don't see the chess moves much (keeps it from getting repetitive, a nice touch), but the reader still feels in it.
A few suggestions: he drifts in and out of the game: good. He's pretty good at chess: good. It makes sense: rare and excellent. However, I am wondering how the subtitle of your work fits in. He doesn't seem particularly rueful. Distracted, certainly, lost, perhaps, but none of the reminiscing is wondering how things could have been or how they went wrong, apart from at the end where he wonders how he lost (a common feeling while playing a good opponent...).
I am wondering how the guy is off work for an entire afternoon on a Tuesday. I guess that's not an important plot point, though.
I did like reading this work, it's one of the better ones I've came across. With a little more purpose to the drifting, it could be one of the best works I've seen on here. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
8
8
Review of my cabin  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I'll be going through your sections in order, by chapter. I tend to be really critical for the main bulk of my reviews, but if you stick around till the end, there's positivity there.

First:
Prelude
"Give two, cross." I sure hope this is supposed to bring confusion, because that's what it did for me. Why? What? How is this important?
First paragraph: nice imagery, but confusing. Maybe it'll get clearer.
Rest of the paragraphs: what is going on?
Too much is implied in this section. I get the whole "unreliable narrator", blah blah, bloo, bloo, but the reader has to be able to make sense of something. Currently, I cannot.
Legibility: 1.4/5 (impressively low) . . . . . . Writing: 3?/5 (hard to tell, would be more accurate if I could understand the work)
Overall: tell the reader a bit more. I know show, not tell is very popular, but please, tell the reader something. Well, that is if the point of the section isn't to make extreme confusion in your reader. In that case, you're doing spectacularly.

Chapter One
Love the chapter title.
note for your first paragraph: remember with dialogue by different characters to split it up. Going with only what you've written, it should be:
"I really don't like you."
That was the third time today I'd heard that. "Well if you don't like me, then you can just complain over there!" My hand waved violently at the nearest thicket of dry vines. The wind howled above, punctuating my remark.
He looked slightly upset. "I was joking! I'd never say I didn't like anyone!" He held up his arms, palms facing me in an attempt to appear innocent.

Some minor grammatical/punctuational issues were also cleaned up in there.
You appear to be missing an explanatory sentence between your first paragraph and second paragraph, saying that Tom offered the MC his jacket.
Fourth paragraph: who is talking?
It's an interesting choice to not say why they're where they are. While I like works that throw you right into the middle of the story (I do the same myself, leaving much implied), your writing style could use a bit more bluntness.
Last sentence: since when can he see the sky?
Check a bit of spelling.
Bill
Why does this exist?
"Dorlin girl"?
Legibility: improved to 2.3/5 . . . . . . Writing: technical wise, not great. descriptive wise, passable.
Overall: a bit more explanation, a bit more cleaning up, definitely reads like a first draft.

Chapter Two
Another good chapter title.
The lack of dialogue in this chapter interestingly coincides with a great increase in legibility and correct grammar. Funny how that works.
Still not sure why he's there. Could we perchance be thrown out of the action?
Sudden ending is nice and abrupt. Well done.
But why in the world is he (presuming it's a he) there? How did they get lost out here? At least have some explanatory dialogue in one of these early chapters.
Legibility: 4/5 . . . . . . Writing: 3.4/5
Overall: reads better than the prior chapter, but I wouldn't read on.

Chapter Three
You used your thesaurus too much.
How can he tell these birds apart without glasses?
Ok, I tracked what went on in this chapter.
He's mostly crazy, chased by something, and miraculously survives. Right?
Your suspense isn't the best I've seen. Perhaps a few choppier sentences could convey panic better.
Legibility: 3.8/5 . . . . . Writing: 3/5
Overall: as a first work, not bad.
Why is there another section?

Ok. I don't feel like I'm saying anything new at this point.

Overall:
It reads like a first draft.
There's a bunch of words, some making sense, most not. I couldn't tell what was going on.
You need more bluntness in your writing. Not everything can be setting and flowery and big words. People don't think in big words all the time. Use simpler, choppier, more sensical words.
I knew what everything said, but I still had no idea what was going on. Is this adventure? horror? the genre is fantasy, how so?
What's the plot? How is he suddenly not freezing?
I wish I could have more to say about this, but it's hard to review a work that doesn't make any sense. Maybe you should go into poetry :)
You do convey creepiness and confusion... but not much else.
You have some action... but not enough emotion to make it feel real.
You have a start... but it needs another draft.
But still, you have a start. Anything is better to work off of than nothing.
I just wish I could have known what was going on.

Thanks for sharing, I hope to see more of your work in the future, and just because my reviewing wasn't positive doesn't mean you're doomed as a writer. You just have room to grow.
(hint: my work isn't very good either. Especially not my first one. It had no plot whatsoever, terrible characters, and its only strong suit was that it was kinda funny just because I rambled a bunch in it. Practice makes perfect. And that I'm certainly not at yet.)
And if you have suggestions to improve my review quality, I'd appreciate it... I feel like I didn't say much helpful in this review.

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
9
9
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this work. It got a smile out of me (not a particularly common event), and even had a nice moral at the end. Made me wonder what type of robots these are if they'd fit in a noose... and why does he just know how to make one?
The sci-fi element lets you make a few convenient odd setting choices, so it doesn't make sense to question it. It is what it is. But I do wonder why they took such a bad job...
They do overlook how ineffective hanging robots would be, you can't exactly snap their neck... (another thing that made me smile...)
I see it was for a prompt, but the clues are cleverly disguised and in the subplot. None are integral to the plot, which is impressive. Usually when I see them, they jump to the front of my mind, but you've fanagled them into the background.
Grammar isn't perfect, but I doubt you minded while making it. It's legible, and that's what matters.
I enjoyed reading this work, and I hope to see more like it in the future. Keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review. Have a nice day!
10
10
Review of Friendship  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a nice poem with a great message. I've lived with and without friends, and I'd certainly agree with this poem that friends are good to have. It's a simple message in a simple poem, and is nice.
On the other hand, it has things that could be improved. The rhymes really seem forced. I read the poem aloud to myself and I had trouble figuring out how it could be read in a way that actually went off the tongue right, and the best I could find was mediocre. I've read poetry that you could tell how it should be read, even without a rhyme scheme, but this one seems like it was trying to have rhyme and rhythm and just doesn't, especially with the formatting.
Then again, I notice this is from over 10 years ago. Assumedly, you've improved your craft since then, 10 years is far longer than I've been writing. Like as not, this poem simply missed the second draft. I don't really have a comparison.
As a work from a newer writer, it would have been pretty good. Message is hard to convey through poetry, and this does it well.
Regardless, thanks for sharing and keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
11
11
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Half a heart is heart enough.
One of the things I've found out is that the weakest people are oftentimes the best people, the disadvantaged often the best people to be friends with, and those that struggle often the best people to be around, the best people to know how to help.
So maybe, even though it might make his life hard, if he can make it through, or if he has, I'm not sure how old this work is, it'll make him a better person, one who can really shine.
Well, I like the poem. It has nice rhyme scheme, flows off the tongue nicely. There are some times where it seems a bit out of order, the emphasized syllables not lining up quite right, but for the most part, it fits well.
Good conveyance of emotion.
One opportunity I think it could have used - sometimes, especially with poems like this, where each line has two halves to it, I've seen poets get a really cool effect by rhyming the middles too. Just a suggestion.
Thanks for sharing this nice work, and keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
12
12
Review of The Critics  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Well.
I read a poem on here about chaos, and I have to say, regardless of how truly chaotic that one was, this one is more confusing. Yes, there's rhyme and rhythm, but huh?
I liked reading it...
It's a hard poem to write anything meaningful about reviewing since it, well, yes, the third line puts it, "nonsense syllables". Sometimes those are the most fun to write of any.
Okay, finally, after reading it over a fourth time (man, read and review...), it finally seems to make sense. Cats. I don't have any, maybe that's why it took me so long to get it. And those are names! Ah.
I feel morally obligated to criticize something (if no improvement, what's the point?), so here's the most nerdiest thing to criticize (well, apart from their/there) - In the seventh line, the one starting "Jazzy," you have a "whose"... I mean, reading it again, that could make sense, but "who's" would make more sense... but then again...
Maybe I shouldn't try to review this, but it was fun to read and I liked it, even though I'm not a cat person.
Hope to see more like this, thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
13
13
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm assuming as you're writing this for a contest, you want me to be as scathing as possible, to help you tune it to perfection. So if this review seems a bit harsh, a bit down, don't take it as "this work is terrible", please take it as suggestions for improvement and chances are, they'll likely be a lot of little things. Anxious stuttering, eh?
I'll go through in order, with overarching things at the end.

The Drift
Your first 4 sentences: great mood, love it. Great descriptive language. However, I think the first three could be strung together into a paragraph to make it easier to read and to give the fourth sentence (mmm) a bit more punch to it.
I'm always a fan of a good em-dash - perhaps one could be used to connect the fourth and fifth sentences? I know having the fourth sentence only three words long has an effect, but then the fifth sentence (technically fragment) doesn't make sense.
Your spacing is too wide for the "poetry" effect you're trying to give at the start. When every sentence hits, each hits less hard. Let your narrative voice trail in and out, not every line the emblem of perfection. The reader can only be amazed for so long.
"Inside her, something mirrored the maze, dim-lit corridors, rooms she hadn’t dared open." Something is gravely grammatically incorrect here, but I can't put my finger on what... maybe you can figure it out.
You have five lines in a row without double spacing - it's amazing how much easier that makes your work to read. This is a part where the fact that it's not paragraphs adds to the work rather than just makes it hard to read and here I would keep it that way.
I've already said it, but the last three lines should be a paragraph three sentences long.

Overall for this section: Great world painting, minor formatting and grammatical issues holding it back from its full potential.
Writing: 4.8/5 . . . . Legibility: 2/5 . . . . Would I read on?: If properly formatted, yes.



The Encounter
I like your chapter titles.
Your work continues to read like poetry, very sustained free verse. It's a nice touch, I think, and certainly not what I'm used to. It's also still very hard to read. I'm going to contradict myself here, but maybe you don't need paragraphs - but you should really cut the double spacing. It makes it very hard to read.
Some of your lines don't make sense, but artistic license, I guess.

Overall: ...the dreamy state worked better for the world building than it does for the main body, or so it seems. Nevertheless, not bad.
Writing: 4/5 . . . . . Legibility: 3/5 . . . . . Would I read on? Not as motivated to, but probably, yes. More just not my style.



The Spark
Mmm... foreshadowing... good touch.
One does not simply climb a water tower. Inaccuracy.
Is she a witch? More foreshadowing, nice.
Thunderstorm on a water tower. Gotta love terrible ideas.
"A spark catches fire." Wrong tense?

Overall: a tad confusing. Left me like "...huh?" On the other hand, it was more legible.
Writing: 3.7/5 . . . . . Legibility: 3.7/5 . . . . . Would I read on? Well, yes, but I'd be kinda bored...



The Earthmother Moment
A very weird chapter name, especially compared to the others.
Is she a witch? Is she not a witch? I'm probably just impatient, but it seems it has been dragged a while. Are we in the real world?
"Her ego loosened..." What ego? She seemed ripped apart, what ego?
Your last three lines are a nice effect.
That Leon guy... never mind.

Overall: I got what was going on. I did not get why or how.
Writing: 3/5 . . . . . Legibility: 4.5/5 . . . . . . Would I read on? Too close to the end of the book to stop.
Interesting how when it gets more readable, I like it less...



The Shattering Wholeness
Once again, I don't really like the title. Too long.
You say there's a transformation. Maybe lean into it more? I'm not really getting what it is. Again, is she a witch?
I like the way you've referenced love indirectly so many times. Nicely done.
You seem to have a flair for the dramatic. Not sure if it fits, but it does allow you to close up your "chapters".

Overall: rather confused as to what in the world is going on. Nice imagery, but what?
Writing: 3.3/5 . . . . . Legibility: 4/5 . . . . . Would I read on? Maybe not...



The Awakening
There, nice chapter title.
How does she have an apartment when she so clearly has no job?
So she is a witch? Confusion!
Mmm, clay and stardust. Good old-fashioned confusing analogy that makes sense
You're missing your last sentence, a three word trailoff like you do with every other "chapter". Feels... off.

Overall: Seemed kinda pointless, really. Why and what is happening?
Writing: 4/5 . . . . . Legibility: 2.6/5 . . . . . Would I read on? Solely because it's almost the end.



The Becoming
Good title.
For whatever reason, it seems you already said this chapter earlier. It doesn't feel new. Maybe you don't need it?
HOWEVER, this is an amazing contrast to your start. It feels like sandwiching, having the same thing at the start and at the end, which is a really nice effect. Granted, the whole book is like that, but still, great.
We lost Leon. Bring him back. Like actually. He's necessary.
You mention the guy once. Once! He's a main character! How much does he really mean to her if she doesn't even really remember him much?
mmm... fluorescent lights...

Overall: a nice ending. Enjoyed.
Writing: 4.6/5 . . . . . Legibility: 4/5 . . . . . Best part yet.




To Summarize

Nice title and subtitle, no complaints there.
It is a long enough work that you could use a word count at the top... or maybe it just looks like that. Impossible to tell cuz every sentence is a new line.
You could use italics for your "chapter" titles to differentiate them.
Nice poetry.
More Leon!
Get rid of double spacing.

But those are basic things. All in all, this would be a nice contest entry, I would say. Easily earns the 4.5 rating even in its unedited state.

Thanks for sharing, I hope to see more like it, and keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
14
14
Review of Seasonal Thoughts  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This looks like a really hard poetry style to write in, but I like it a lot. I'm a big fan of rhyming and rhythmic poetry, and this form is a nice example of the potential it has. The words itself in the poem are rather simple, albeit, but within the form they go together rather nicely and I do like this poem more than most I've found.
I can't say I quite agree with the theme, per SE, I like snow and am not much for sun, but that's personal opinion. :)
No suggestions as for how to improve this poem, I feel it has reached its highest potential (which is pretty high).
I hope to see more poetry like this in the future, it's a great work. Keep writing!

This is an "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
15
15
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoy the way you've ignored what poetry "should" be like here, without rhyme or rhythm, because nature is something that doesn't have to make sense in our terms. It portrays the outdoors, or at least a side of it, as outdoors can be nearly everything, in such a nice, cheerful light.
I'm slightly confused as to why there are 5 lines in the 4th set while the other four sets all have 4 lines. Was that purposeful?
I find it a bit hard to read aloud to myself, but that's likely personal preference, I prefer rhythmic poetry, but certainly, not everybody does. Arrythmatic poetry has its proper place as well.
I hope you write more like this, and I hope you keep writing in general!

This was a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
16
16
Review of Midnight Letters  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This work is, clearly, unfinished, and thus I shouldn't be reviewing it, in theory, but there are flashes of heavy potential that I didn't feel like moving on before commending you on. The prince is a spectacular character. Now, yes, it's just the first paragraphs, but already in such a short time, just from that one character you've weaved an impressive backstory. While I've found my characters to be inconsistent, you've laid a great foundation for the rest of the work, however small or large it will be.
Your dialogue is also impressive and seems realistic. That's rather hard to come by, especially with some of the eccentric word choices but they fit.
Just one thing - at the current point, it reads rather like a romance between the jester and the prince. That'll likely get fixed as the work grows, but if that's the point, I think there's a tag for that you could add to your "Romance/Love" and "Short Story" tags, as 3 tags are allowed.
Nice beginning, and I hope it has a suitably nice ending. Keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
17
17
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a nice, chipper poem with a pleasant rhyme scheme and happy theme throughout. I like the way it seems to lilt somewhat throughout the piece from the light rhymes and shorter word choices.
There are a few things that could be tuned up. The varying length of the lines syllabically is a bit jarring with such a light, rhymed work (most notably the line "If you blood pressure gets too high and you want to cry" seems to drag significantly). In addition, I know it's very picky, but your work ended with a comma which threw me off as a reader. And back to the prior thing, it doesn't have to be rhythmed or the exact same syllabic length, but if you were to try reading it aloud to yourself liltingly, which is how I saw it, some of the longer lines are startling and seem out of place within the work. The start of the work is great at that, the end gets a smidgeon draggy.
I did like this work, and it gave some nice advice. I hope you've written and continue to write more like this, and I hope you apply this to yourself *Smile*. Keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
18
18
Review of It's Haunted  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This work is very creative, taking something (unfortunately) ordinary and spinning it in a very realistic direction. In addition, this work has other strengths, such as being interesting enough to keep me reading to the end and good personality of the characters that felt relatable and realistic.
That's not to say this work is perfect, certainly. One of the oddest inconsistencies is Maddy/Mandy. She goes by both in the work, which is she?
The mix of dialogue and action is nicely done, while the dialogue is a bit basic, it seems plausible enough, which is kinda the point.
The ending works, but could use some tuning up. I'm not really sure how I'd do that, but you likely have ideas as for how.
"He was still hungry. "I'll make dinner." The two new tv dinners held a faint smell suspiciously like that of fading sulfur and the edges of the containers pulsed with the dying licking flames maybe from hell." What two new TV dinners?
All in all, this is a well-written work, for the most part, and I enjoyed reading it, even though it isn't really my typical choice of genre. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
19
19
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This work is very creative and interesting. It kept me engaged even though I knew who would win the whole time. There was a good mix of dialogue and action and the characters were rather well made.
However, that is far from saying this was a perfect work.
It took multiple readings of most sections for me to understand what had gone on and there wasn't quite enough introduction for the main characters' names to be memorable enough for me to follow the work. However, there is something in that even though I had to reread the sections, it still was engaging.
There was also a few minor issues with inconsistency throughout the work. What form are the characters taking? When did they change back to normal form? Also, why did they get in for sure? Unrelated, but an interesting question nonetheless.
In the end, this was a nice read, if not the most polished work I've ever read, and demonstrated clear knowledge of good writing techniques. You have the basics and some past the basics really down and your writing is engaging, which will be a great platform for your future writing. Thanks for sharing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
20
20
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a nice work, a classic motto with a creative twist that I'm sure hasn't been done before. Some humor twisted into this adds a nice touch.
As you've seen me do before, I'll go down the story in a nice organized fashion.
Your first sentence does everything a first sentence should do - introduces a character, gets the reader wondering why this character has the name he should, provides a problem, and gives a tone to the whole work with its dense, complicated wording (e.g., behest). The rest of the first paragraph is equally quite good, setting a setting for the work that is more than sufficient to run the rest of the story. If all your initial paragraphs live up to this standard, you'll be well on your way to being a professional already. At the very least, there is definite improvement from the already pretty good introductions you've had in prior works.
You paint a fun picture of what could be going on with storks and such, very creative, and taken to a nice point. The main character's relatable plight makes one wish he wouldn't get into trouble, though everybody knows he will. Come to think of it, nice foreshadowing.
Near the middle, the grammar is a bit clunky. (e.g., the man grimaced. I can't quite envision somebody grimacing at that sort of thing. Frowning? Maybe, but grimace is like pain or regret, not annoyance, or, for example 'B-9 could only say.' Something doesn't sound quite right there, but if you'd read it aloud to yourself, you'd likely catch the things like that).
Although a bit basic, the Boss gets the point across well, and isn't actually a purely evil person, like B-9 makes him out to be, which is a nice touch from a narrator with a focus on B-9. The boss does have a point.
"The stork flew out into the open air as quickly as he could. Tears filled his eyes. For the better part of his life, he’d felt defective. Now he had proof. There was no room in this perfect world for someone as imperfect as himself." That's a nice paragraph. ...yeah. Nice paragraph.
A relatable plight indeed for the stork, as he goes to the house. You have conveyed emotion rather well here.
"paterfamilias" is, to say the least, not a word most people know, let alone use. I know what you mean by it, but 'parents' would likely get the point across more effectively.
I like the way you've framed the rest of the work. Unlike the other two stories you've sent me, there haven't really been a lot of little things for me to pick apart and say how you'd fix them. In general, this work does have a lack of bad things. However, there is one thing that you really could improve about this work - you say nearly everything in short choppy sentences. While this does have an effect, I'm not sure if it's the effect you're going for and it's not as good writing as it could be. Especially since you paint such a flowery portrait with your first paragraph, it puts an obligation to use bigger words throughout the rest of the work.
Nevertheless, you've really cleaned up your work, and clearly improved. Congratulations, and keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
21
21
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a nice romance work. I usually don't read romance, but I would consider having read this not a waste of my time, like most romance I come across. Maybe it was that it had some fantasy sprinkled in?
The subtitle needs a little work, but that's common, often it's harder to write a synopsis of a book than the actual book itself.
Your names are quite creative, nice job with them. I often struggle with names, but yours embody the piece quite well.
Thanks for sharing this, and I hope you're able to create more like this in the future!

This was a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. Micro Review Raid review.
22
22
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, one little thing before I get on to the actual review - your title is a smidgeondy bit large. It might (well, would) look better with a smaller text size. Also, it'd look better without the double-spacing and would look more manageable.
But that out of the way, this is a nice work so far.
You have shaped a very believable title character, if a bit stereotypical, and the foreshadowing in this prologue is nicely done. I'm not sure where you'll go from here, but that might be the point of a prologue, to make the reader interested in what's coming next.
Another little formatting thing - you have many of your sentences on new lines. It makes the work look bigger but makes, along with the double spacing and overly large title, rather hard to read, detracting strongly from the strengths of the work, which are multiple. It well leaves me wondering what will come next, and if the next chapter were formatted (which, unfortunately, I'm rather sure it isn't), I would likely read on.

This is a
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann Author Icon
Micro Review Raid review.
23
23
Review of The Rhythm of You  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like how you used the title to shift away from a traditional rhyme scheme and rhythm to more freestyle, embodying the last line of your poem - "the rhythm of you", how your poem about being yourself is different from most poems. Nice touch.
I also like the sentiment of the poem, about being one's self, and wonder whether that's from personal experience, you know, you write what you know? It's a tough lesson to learn, but a lesson that has to be learned, and this poem could help with that, if found at the right time.
All in all, when I read this poem, I do see why it has an award on it, because, while concise, it puts the subject really nicely. I hope to see more poetry like this from you in the future.

This was a
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann Author Icon
Micro Review Raid review.
24
24
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I would, admittedly, concur, you have improved since writing this story. As compared to your other story that you requested a review for, this is quite a bit worse, which does say something about your other story, namely, that it was pretty good.
The first thing that really stuck out to me was, as is usually the case, the formatting. Of course, it's rather obvious that the first paragraph is a different font than the rest of the work. That's a rather easy fix, you must have accidentally inserted an extra after the end of the first paragraph and forgotten one at the end of the last. I will say, I enjoy the font you chose for the first paragraph more than the simple Arial, however, I have been told that certain users of the site have trouble reading fonts that are not Arial or Verdana, except with a bigger text size. One more formatting thing - you have the book in all caps. This makes it read like a newspaper headline. If this were, say, a Google doc, I'd suggest a typewriter-ish font or cursive, but on here, I'd suggest simply using italics and capitalizing it similar to the rest of the work, which is pleasantly well formatted with good grammar. Oh, and one more thing - could you put "THE END" on a different line and use the [center] function? (I replaced the { with [ so it wouldn't actually center in my review).
On to the actual work:
First, "as long as there were words, chances are, he'd read it". "chances are" should be past tense to fit the rest of the work, thus, "chances were", especially since he, well, dies.
You missed a chance to use "It was a dark and stormy night." I would have grinned, probably some other readers would have gotten the reference...
Um... working backwards a bit, don't forget to put thoughts either in italics or in "quotations" to differentiate them from narration.
"The muck men rose up from the swamp; their hides, if they could be called such, hung and dripped, brown and slimy. They approached a suburb, their motions possessing an eerie purposefulness." Is this a direct quote from the book? If so, why isn't it formatted like the others?
"It looked like--no, it was--his neighborhood!" I like the stutter, but it could be executed better. Perhaps, "Could that be - no, it - it was. His neighborhood." Just an example, an opinion.
"Well, he decided silently, if it's a nightmare, it won't last; I might as well finish the story." Again, put thoughts in quotes or italics, it's hard to tell apart currently.
"The poor woman (who couldn't be Annie, couldn't) was shown suffering grotesque wounds that filled with dark mud." Yes, yes, yes. Great suspense.
"He flew into a frenzy, grabbing an end table and some odds and ends and stacking them up against the door. He crouched..." I know it's just two in a row, but it feels awkward, the same structure.
"There was a banging at the door. The windows burst inwards. He screamed." He already screamed with "He screamed" just earlier, you can't do it again. You could say "He screamed again", or perhaps utilize a thesaurus. Shrieked?
"In the final panels..." This sentence is just begging for a conjunction at the start - "But in the final panels..." Albeit, the last paragraph would need adjustment then, though.
Mmm... not often I see "evitable" used. Noice.
The work leaves me hanging, as perhaps it should - where did the book come from? Was it from his past self? Magic? A prankster?
I've certainly read less interesting works. It kept me engaged through the end and suspense was used, despite iffy formatting and basic terminology. Tuned up, it could really be something. Nice job.
25
25
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Your start is spectacular. Unironically, I've written about an average Joe myself, and it's a great subject, to use someone who doesn't seem staged yet seems incredibly staged at the same time. And you use it well, having it provide all the setting you need.
You're paying for this review, so I'll be as specific as I can be.
First: "Despite his efforts to rise above everyone in a competitive sense, he..." Add parentheses - "Despite his efforts to rise above everyone (in a competitive sense), he..." Otherwise it seems run-on, over explanatory.
"It only follows that..." You have present tense. Should be "It only followed that..."
"...he might've become a restauranteur." Is this a typo? I don't think restauranteur is a word, is it like a restaurant entrepreneur?
"He didn't know for sure, but this is a question he cogitated several times daily." This sentence is all around weird. Not only is the second part of the phrase really out of place, the whole way of phrasing, especially 'cogitated', is against the grain of your manuscript. Joe doesn't get narrated like that.
"...he was discussing with his friend and fellow employee..." This person could use a name. Bob? It gets more awkward later when you keep referencing him indirectly, he might as well use a name? This is more optional.
"Naturally, Joe and his friend ran. The object in question was saucer-shaped, domed at the top. It made an overly loud whirring sound as it hurtled towards the two men. It landed on Joe's friend with some control, leaving the man all but squashed. Joe inched away from it, watching in terror as the dome opened." This paragraph would be really badly written - except that writing style fits. It's really basic, using "banned words" all the time, but it works great. Especially the whole basicness of it all, a flying saucer - so Joe.
""A flying saucer!" the other human cried out despite his agony, "A real flying saucer!" He passed out." This is very well written - but he just got flattened by a flying saucer. How is he alive enough to be talking?
Great, great...
Next - "I knew I was special, he thought. It just took the better part of his youth and adulthood for him to be saved from this crummy old world." First - either italicize or use quotation marks for your thoughts to differentiate. Second, I brought the next sentence down too - it should also be part of his thoughts. "It just took the better part of my youth and adulthood for me to be saved from this crummy old world." (though, albeit, Joe doesn't really think that formally).
" "You say I'm a king?" Joe asked." The "Joe asked" is redundant.
" "Indeed you are," said the alien,(! this comma should be a period) "A much anticipated one as well. Selected for your individuality. I also happen to be called Joe. At your majesty's service.""
""I'm...I'm noticing a pattern."" I love this line. Great job.
""Joe orbits the star Joe in the Joe galaxy." "Never mind. Is it a peaceful planet? I mean, I'm not going to be some sort of dictator..."" That's a weird reaction from Joe. He should do something physical rather than only being like "Never mind."
"with our neighbor planet millennia ago..." Because it wasn't named Joe? :)
"Joe's heart skipped a beat, then felt heavy. No, he thought. No, no, no, no. The entire species looked like him?" While a good effect, is he just not putting two and two together before this? I dunno, it works, so it works.
" Some emotion halfway between indignation and dejection boiled up in Joe. He screamed." Real.
All in all, there were some small things to fix, but the gist of it had good humor and was executed well. Good luck, and keep writing!
59 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 3 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/simondoerr