First of all, you write what you know. This isn't the first time I've read a book like this, and sadly, the people I know who write like this went through many of the same things. If you want to talk about them, I can be here.
The second most important thing: the google doc link you put on the top isn't public access. I couldn't open it.
The formatting isn't as could as it could be, a more handwritten font would really add a lot, but I understand that it should probably be this way for readability. I'm assuming a lot of the misspellings and bad grammar along with incorrect punctuation was to enhance the fact that it was a diary, but it did make it hard to follow and pay attention to.
It's not exactly my style, but that's personal preference. For the route you went down, I think you did pretty well. However, it is extremely disjointed. Some of the time skips made sense, but most of them it's just like "Oh, yeah, I wasn't on here, but guess what: nothing changed!" It's very repetitive as well, he keeps saying the same things over and over with no added emphasis. If you're going to have him say the same thing over and over, he should add some emphasis. Add some anger! More exclamation points. Even depressed people aren't only depressed.
Nextly, the event where he falls off the roof is so abrupt. It's a very integral part of the story, and it comes out of nowhere, not even the slightest buildup to an event that should have quite a bit of it, and is very little described. I know, a lot of these oversights can fall under the blanket of "It's a diary. He just writes weird.", but a diary is where you write your deepest feelings, and he doesn't seem to have many feelings other than the basic "doom and decimation".
Is he writing this on paper and it's copied into this document? If he is, it should have more ink blots/crossed out parts. This is a diary. They do that sort of thing. If he is originally writing this on a document, there should be more times when he smashes the keyboard. However, I don't think it would work very well to have him be writing this onto a computer, so I think it would be a nice touch to have him be writing in pen with the errors that come with that, bringing me back to the handwriting font. Oh, well.
There are some spelling discrepancies where it seems as though he deliberately misspells a word, spells it right later, and then deliberately misspells it again, most notably with "prostitute".
On a not very related note, the rating might be more accurately put as 18+.
Despite all this criticism above, this was quite well written. You conveyed the story pretty accurately, especially through your characterization, each character's actions fit their personality, and the struggle seems real. Nice job!
If you want me to review a different one of my works, I can do so, and I would appreciate if you reviewed one of mine. Thanks for reaching out! |
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| (3.5)
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