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77 Public Reviews Given
91 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Please keep in mind that these are merely the thoughts of a random reader and are only meant as helpful encouragement. Please take whatever is good and throw out whatever doesn't apply! Oh, and don’t mind the dragon. Her breath is bad but that’s the worst of it. *Bigsmile*


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This is a:
"Fantasy and Science Fiction SocietyOpen in new Window. REVIEW!

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*Star*General Comments and Reader Reaction:

The is a short story about a boy who is gives his dead brothers laptop and finds out some things about his brother that he didn’t know. This is a powerful and sad story. I loved it! It was sweet and targeted the soft spot in my heart. The mystery of a dead older brother is revealed to the reader through the eyes of a younger sibling that really needed a closer bond with him. The laptop gave him that. Well done! *Thumbsup*


*StarB*What I liked:

This family has walls so high and thick that two brothers can grow up together and both be gay, yet not know that about the other.*Thumbsup*

You achieved tenderness in the story without having to get strain ti get it. It was natural and I don’t get to read too many stories that have it. I like that.*Thumbsup*

I story stays with you. I will be thinking about this story for a long time. *Thumbsup*


*StarO*Suggestions:

*Pencil* You tell us how the army changed Walt and how he treated Greg differently. It seems to me that Ruiz would have had some effect also. I would have liked to see something about how, prior to the suicide, that Walt seemed changed yet again, then disaster. Something like that. Another hundred or so words would do it and it would add another later of depth to the story.

*Pencil* I would have Greg search specifically for Walt’s company or platoon. He would probably know what it was and that would make finding the pick more likely that searching under Ruiz’s name.


*Pencil* You may want to consider submitting the story for contests or publication in e-zines. It deserves to be read.


*StarP*Favorite Lines:

The laptop screen glowed with a picture of two men embracing. One, eyes closed, peaceful, his blond head nuzzled in the other man's chest and neck, his arms wrapped around the other. He looked asleep except for the smile on his tan face. The other man was Hispanic with black hair and rich brown skin. He held the first man tight, kissing the top of his head while looking sideways with dark, almost mischievous eyes at the camera held with his outstretched arm.
Great Opening!*Thumbsup*

I never knew this side of my brother, but this is how I wanted to remember him.
Great Ending!*Thumbsup*



*StarR*Grammar/Spelling

*Pencil* None Found*Thumbsup*


*stargray*In conclusion:

I really love this story. It touched my heart and it weighs on my mind. What else could I possibly say to you but AWESOME JOB!


Keep up the great work!
Thank you for sharing this with me.
*Smile*


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2
2
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great Idea!
3
3
Review of The Disappearance  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Please keep in mind that these are merely the thoughts of a random reader and are only meant as helpful encouragement. Please take whatever is good and throw out whatever doesn't apply! Oh, and don’t mind the dragon. Her breath is bad but that’s the worst of it. *Bigsmile*


I want to thank you once again for the veru generous donation you made to win my package. It is much appreciated. If you have any questions about this review, please contact me anytime. *Smile*


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*Star*General Comments and Reader Reaction:

I am a fan of children’s books. The Boxcar Children books are what embed in me the love of reading. I am also working on a children’s book myself, so I was very happy to see that this story was in that genre. I can also tell that this is a first draft, so I am reviewing it with that state of mind.

A story about a little girl being thrust into the world of faeries is a wonderful premise for a children’s book. You have included some wonderful “key” elements to give you all the tools you need to accomplish the story: A villain, a hero, a mysterious house, enchanted woods, and the idea that she will need to save her family. *Thumbsup*


*StarB*What I liked:

As I said, you have some great key elements! *Thumbsup*

The relationship with her grandmother is wonderful! *Thumbsup*

Her grandmother guiding her from the afterlife! *Thumbsup*

Em has a great spirit and fearless heart, or so it would seem. Great! *Thumbsup*


*StarO*Suggestions:


*Pencil* I would actually begin the story with your villain, The Trickster. You could have him be responsible for the grandmother falling and hurting herself. By opening with this, it makes the reader dive head-first into the plot action. It gives the reader something to latch onto when getting through the lead-up story about the move.

*Pencil* I suggest changing “Chapter One” to give us less about the trip to grandma’s house, and more about exploring the house and it’s mysteries. Also, you can add more time with Em and her grandmother as well. Maybe Gran can give us a story about the faeries.

*Pencil* Where is chapter 4? I really need to see what happens next. *Wink*


*StarP*Favorite Lines:

With a sinking feeling Em ran throughout the house calling out to them. No one answered. Uneasiness fluttered in her stomach. She ran downstairs to the kitchen and grabbed the phone. She dialed 911. Placing the phone to her ear Em heard only silence. She tried again, but the phone was dead. It was out of the question to go to a neighbor as they were miles away. Shaking so hard her teeth rattled, Em climbed onto the bay window seat, grabbed her mother's throw that smelled of her soap, curled up and cried. She had never been left alone, not since the day she was lost in the forest.

This really hits the mood home. Nice job! *Thumbsup*


*StarR*Grammar/Spelling

I found many issues, which is why I knew this was a first draft. You didn’t ask for these to be checked and listed, so I am hiding them. If you want to see the, they are here:


Grammar & Spelling

*Smile*


*stargray*In conclusion:

You have some great “bones” in this story and I encourage you to keep at it. Chapter 3 really gets things moving and I wanted to see what happened next. *Bigsmile*
It reminds me of a Chronicles of Narnia or Neverending Story type of tale. There are tons of possibilities here.

Keep up the great work!
Thank you for sharing this with me.
*Smile*

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4
4
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Please keep in mind that these are merely the thoughts of a random reader and are only meant as helpful encouragement. Please take whatever is good and throw out whatever doesn't apply!

Thank you for once again bidding on one of my packages. I hope I don’t disappoint. From now on, if you want chapter feedback from me, just ask. Point me too it and I’ll do it. It would be a pleasure. *Bigsmile*


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This review will contain my feed back for these chapters in "Threads in the TapestryOpen in new Window.:

Five: Dead Soldiers
Six: The Great Oz
Twelve: Vit


I hope you don't mind me putting them together. I would essentially be repeating myself three times over in some areas. I do have specifics about each chapter included.


*Star*General Comments and Reader Reaction:

I enjoyed reading these chapters very much. They were fairly self-contained and I could have read them in any order without confusion. I found them to be very well written. They each did a great job telling the story and building anticipation of things that may come. They each captured my attention and moved forward and a nice pace. The background information, for the most part, did not drop me out of the story at all. Your vivid descriptions helped the reader picture everything as they were intended. There were very few areas I had trouble with and I will list them below. Well done!*Thumbsup*


*StarB*What I liked:

*CheckG*I like Sam Remy. As I have said, He reminds me a little of Sam Axe a.k.a. Bruce Campbell. I find him an interesting sort. I wonder about him, about the things we don’t know about him yet. *Thumbsup*

*CheckG*I like your descriptions of Kohl. You did a fine job of making him the type of character you wanted. Very believable. Nice work!*Thumbsup*

*CheckG*I love your attention to detail. You bring Groom Lake and Sayda Bay alive and the temperature change is palpable. Great Work! *Thumbsup*

*CheckG*I love the tech. From the Nevada desert to northern Russia, you take us on a tech-filled journey that really entices the reader, adds believability, and is just utterly cool. I’m really eager to see all the secret toys that Sam has developed. *Thumbsup*


*StarO*Suggestions:
As I said, there are very few areas that I had trouble with. The ones that caused me pause I have listed below.

*Pencil* In Chapter 5, during a flashback, you wrote: “Stop staring at me or I’ll kill you again you murdering bastard.” As I read the rest of the sequence, I found that this statement still bothered me. I didn't feel like it was effectively explained. After reading that section many times, I’m still not sure exactly what he means. I suggest adding little more there to the reader with it.

*Pencil* In Chapter 6 you wrote: An audience with the Great Oz, a code name coined by those under his command who, like the mystical wizard behind the curtain, had never laid eyes on the man, meant only one thing--lives were going to change, many lives. That bold part of the sentence seemed odd and I couldn’t get it ti gel in my head with the rest of the sentence. I suggest pulling it out and giving it its own sentence with explanation. I’m assuming it refers to the men under his command not having met him. It’s just a bit clunky here.

*Pencil*As for Chapter 12, it is well done and I was excited to read it. The only issue I had was with Vit’s conversational style. It seemed to match Sam’s a bit too closely for me. He’s an expert, if you will, in linguistics and has spent many years with Americans, I get that. However, he is Russian and has spent the last 10 years there with only other Russians or neighboring ethnicities to speak with. I would expect his speech patterns to lean more towards their base. He sounds like Sam, or maybe John Brown from Missoula, Montana. I see him as an individual and would have liked him to seem more of one when he spoke. Nothing overt, mind you, something more subtle. I wish I had a suggestion for you.


*Smile*


*StarR*Grammar/Spelling

*Pencil* In Chapter 5: As he disappeared into the night, a small card fluttered from the darkness and fell on the dead general’s forehead. It was a picture of the grim reaper. scrawled in Sam’s own handwriting across the bottom were the words--I love my job.

Scrawled should be capitalized.


*Pencil* In Chapter 5: He eyed his prosthesis laying on a small end table next to his chair, an amazing, one-off prototype of experimental Nano-hydraulic technology.

I don’t believe “Nano” should be capitalized here in this context.


*Pencil* In Chapter 6: At that moment, the questions, which had been stacking up like a row of domino's, froze--and one fell with a resounding thump.

In this context, I believe it would be: dominoes.



*Pencil* In Chapter 6: “What could be more shocking than to have the Great Oz show up at 1:00 AM and tell me I have to go back in the field.”

Needs a question mark.



*Pencil* In Chapter 6: The high altitude panorama brought a stunning new reality to the generals strange conversation.

In this context, I believe it should be: general’s



*Pencil* In Chapter 12: Several Blue LED’s also blinked.

Unless this refers to a brand name that I don’t know of, BLUE should not b e capitalized.


*Pencil* In Chapter 12: A black leather Gestapo-style trench coat encased his Dom DeLusie stature.

I think you mean, Dom Deluise’


*Pencil* In Chapter 12: A tremor quaked through Vit's body, an involuntary reaction to the irresistable hand that had reached out and pulled him into the past.

Irresistible


*Smile*


*StarP*On Another Note…

These chapters were exciting, fast paced and had lots for the reader salivate over. Comparing them with chapters 1-4, which I have also read, it’s like two different books. 1-4 is pretty slow in comparison. The most exciting things in those chapters are a nightmare/dream passion sequence that was over pretty fast and streaking. The streaking was pretty cool, but lacked in description. *Frown**Bigsmile*

The reason I bring this up is because they are chapters 1-4. They are well written but the story really doesn’t begin to excite until chapter 5. If an editor feels the same way, they may not get that far. I would spice up the beginning and really catch the reader’s attention with… something. Give them a bit more to hang onto through the introductory phase.
Good luck!


*stargray*In conclusion:

I really loved these chapters and want to read more. I will read more. You have my attention and I want to spend more time in this world you have created. Over all, you have some fine work here and should be proud. *Thumbsup*



Keep up the great work!
Thank you for sharing this with me.
*Smile*

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5
5
for entry "MerciOpen in new Window.
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Please keep in mind that these are merely the thoughts of a random reader and are only meant as helpful encouragement. Please take whatever is good and throw out whatever doesn't apply! Oh, and don’t mind the dragon. Her breath is bad but that’s the worst of it. *Bigsmile*

This review is awarded for being the highest bidder on my package in the "The Great G FundraiserOpen in new Window.. Thank you very much for bidding on my package! You are very generous and I know that all of WdC appreciates it.

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*Star*General Comments and Reader Reaction:

I will be reviewing the following:
The description header for "Threads in the TapestryOpen in new Window.
The "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. for "Threads in the TapestryOpen in new Window.
One: Merci for "Threads in the TapestryOpen in new Window.


*Pencil* To start with, you are a very good writer. You have a great sense of detail and know how to lay out the “scene”. In your email you stated that you needed “feed back on the opening scene… a readers viewpoint on the content and character development...an overall assessment of the story as it sets up...the beginning and ending hook.” It will be my intention to give you my take in all of these areas. *CheckG*

*Pencil* This is setting up to be a really neat story. It kind of reminds me of something we might get from Koontz, King, or Preston & Child. This of course, is awesome! I have to admit though, I get this more from your book description and prologue than from chapter one. I'll explain further down below. *Thumbsup*

*Pencil* The header for your novel page, which reads like a back cover teaser, is great and could work well as just that. It was enough to get me interested. It describes a story full of mystery, horror and adventure. An editor may want to tweak it but for now, it works. *Thumbsup*

*Pencil* The prologue is awesome! It reads very well and sucks you in right away. Your descriptions of the storm and the ship wreck were fantastic and it was a lot of fun to read. I truly want to know what happens to Mikhail next. *Thumbsup*

*Pencil*Chapter One is different. It reads fine but has less of a hook. It is designed to set up the story and get to know the main character Merci. It does that but could use some things which I’ll go over below.

*StarB*What I liked:

I went over the header and the prologue already, so we’ll skip those here.

*Pencil* What I like is your sense of description. It’s done well and with purpose but doesn’t drone on and on, drowning us in it. *Thumbsup*

*Pencil* I like the story idea. Her weird dreams that has been tormenting her since a child, the strange and mysterious island, the wraith thing, all of it is very cool and spurs curiosity. The Mysterious Island was a favorite of mine as a child, so you hooked me just with that. *Thumbsup*

*StarO*Suggestions:

*Pencil* I read Chapter one several times. First I read it without reading anything else, then I read it after reading your header and prologue. I wanted to see how it stands up without any support. It was okay but I was confused a little and it didn’t hook me right away. After reading the header and prologue, it worked much better.

*Pencil* If you want it to work by itself, without any support from the prologue or cover teaser, then you may need to work on it a little. The “hook” in Chapter One for me was the flashback. It was interesting and gave me the tingling sensation, the creep factor that you were going for. My thoughts were that it would have been great to open the chapter with it. Maybe she is dreaming about it and it wakes her up. That way the reader gets the creeps and is already on their way to empathizing with Merci before she even gets out of bed. Right at the beginning.

*Pencil* As far as the ending hook, it works well, especially since we know from the prologue that the island is where the party's at. The “out-of-body-experience” doesn't do enough on it’s own to build the hook, but adding it with the prologue does. When I read it: I am on the Island, I assumed that she meant that in her “visions” she had made it there, meaning they had never taken her there before. That may need some more elaboration to make it clear.

*StarP*Favorite Lines:

Her own concoction of Dr. Pepper and Ginger Snaps was tasty, but doomed from the start. Clever and funny. I laughed at that. *Thumbsup*

The demon pulled itself up onto the foot of the bed and sat staring, its yellow eyes menacing. It crouched, ready to spring, hissing like an angry cat. Creepy goodness *Thumbsup*

“Shit” she cried out. “You are one fucked up bitch.” She started shaking. This single line helped put me on her team more than any of the others. It showed me her vulnerability, her terror, and her willingness to fight. It’s a simple little sentence, but it impacts. *Thumbsup*

*StarR*Grammar/Spelling

This is the only thing I found:

A scrawl of dark streaks peeked from the folds.Curious, she thought, pulling the wrinkles flat.
Before the word CURIOUS, you are missing the space between it and the period.

That’s all I found. *Smile*


Plot:

*Pencil* The plot is just beginning to unfold but you are off to a great start thus far. I was hooked and want to continue reading. *Thumbsup*

Characters:
*Pencil*Merci is a gun-packing hottie that is plagued by demons and plans to do something about it. What more can you ask for? I would like to know much more about her. I assume that will come as the story develops. *Thumbsup*

Style/voice:
*Pencil* You are fine here. I didn't notice any issues up to this point. *Thumbsup*

Setting:
*Pencil* This is obviously a setting you know well and you describe it in a way that the reader can easily picture it. The setting is a character also. I come from a swampland, a dank, hot, muggy, mosquito infested swamp. Please don’t shy from describing the setting whenever you can. I, the reader, would like you to take me away from where I'm at. *Smile* *Thumbsup*

*stargray*In conclusion:
Mr JJ, you are onto something really neat here. You have all the tools you need to make it come alive, I have no doubt. I truly hope that you found my review helpful. Please remember, I am just a humble reader and aspiring writer. My critique is suspect at best. Feel free to ignore anything I said. *CheckG*

Keep up the great work!
Thank you for sharing this with me.
*Smile*

This review was completed by: Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
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6
6
Review of Saving Tina  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Please keep in mind that these are merely the thoughts of a random reader and are only meant as helpful encouragement. Please take whatever is good and throw out whatever doesn't apply! Oh, and don’t mind the dragon. Her breath is bad but that’s the worst of it. *Bigsmile*

I have recently joined "WDC Addicts AnonymousOpen in new Window. and as part of the {item: 1972939} I am required to review a black case, but which one? For that I leaned upon the great wisdom of the virtual Dice. Congrats! You were the winner. *BurstG**BurstB**BurstR**BurstV*

*Star*General Comments and Reader Reaction:
I read several of your works and liked them all. I decided to review:
Saving Tina
A little girl risks injury to save a dog. As a dog lover, owning a rescue dog myself, I couldn't resist reading further. It is well written and holds the readers interest. There are no surprises here, but it’s not that kind of story. It’s a story designed to make you feel good and it works! At the end I was chuckling out loud saying, “I love it!” My dog agreed with me. *Smile*

*StarB*What I liked:
You went for the heart and nailed it. The reader is cheering on the little girl against a much larger bully. When she wins, we all get to share in the triumph. *Thumbsup*

*StarR*Suggestions:
In the beginning you write:
I lay gazing absently at the delicate crystalline ice patterns that had formed on my bedroom window, a sudden sense of foreboding descended upon me.
I think it would read better as:
As I lay gazing… a sudden sense of foreboding descended…
That’s all I got.

*StarO*Favorite Lines:
The very last line, the tear jerker:
She calmly gazed so trustingly into my eyes. I hugged her to me, and she licked the tears from my cheeks.
*Cry*

*StarP*Grammar/Spelling:
He chuckled , only inches from me now…
You have an extra space between “chuckled” and the comma. Seriously, that’s all I found.

*stargray*In conclusion:
I like writing children’s stories and I see that you do too. You have a knack for writing, that much is obvious. Please keep writing and sharing.

Keep up the great work!
Thank you for sharing this with me.
*Smile*
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7
7
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Please keep in mind that these are merely the thoughts of a random reader and are only meant as helpful encouragement. Please take whatever is good and throw out whatever doesn't apply! Also, don't mind the dragon. Her breath is bad, but that's the worst of it. *Bigsmile*

*StarP* General Comments and Reader Reaction:

I’m currently writing a story based off of mythology, so this one caught my eye. The story held my attention all the way through. I found it to be very well written.

*StarO* What I liked:

You covered a lot of material and did it all primarily through conversation. Good Job! *ThumbsUp*


*StarG* Suggestions:

The word count is just under 2400. If this is for a contest, I’m assuming that it had a 3k limit. If that is the case, I would suggest adding more material to the story. Because you cover a lot, it does read a bit rushed, without much room for character building. Even though these characters are well know. I still believe character building to be crucial for the story.

*stargray* Grammar/Spelling:

I didn’t find any issues.


*StarR* In conclusion:

I think it’s a solid piece of writing. It tells the basic story in a fun and understandable way. If the word count allows, I suggest more character building.


Keep up the great work!
Thank you for sharing this with me. *Smile*


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8
8
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Please keep in mind that these are merely the thoughts of a random reader and are only meant as helpful encouragement. Please take whatever is good and throw out whatever doesn't apply! Oh, and don’t mind the dragon. Her breath is bad but that’s the worst of it. *Bigsmile*

*PenB*General Comments and Reader Reaction:
This is a somber and powerful piece, one that resonates with all of us. As sufferer of clinical depression, these passages hit home. We all are born with an expiration date, one that remains unknown until it’s here. Living life to the fullest while we can, that is what is important. The title is perfect!

*PenO*Favorite Lines:

I feel that is not just me, but rather everyone,
everyone is thinking of the syndrome of expiration,


*PenR*Grammar/Spelling:

You do have some issues with punctuation. Some areas have none, where a period or comma would be proper. There is an area where you ask a question but end it with a period:
How long do I have left to look for the marvels of the world,
how much till I end up on the deep of the netherworld.

I encourage you to go through it again and check your punctuations.

When did I got this expiration date on my back? [get]
*Smile*

*PenG*In Conclusion
I really like the raw emotion you have in this piece. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Keep up the great work!
Thank you for sharing this with me. *Smile*
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9
Review of Sculpture  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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You asked for ‘brutally honest” so I will do my best to give it.
HOWEVER…

Please keep in mind that these are merely the thoughts of a random reader and are only meant as helpful encouragement. Please take whatever is good and throw out whatever doesn't apply! Oh, and don’t mind the dragon. Her breath is bad but that’s the worst of it. *Bigsmile*

General Comments and Reader Reaction:
I liked this piece, that's why I decided to review it. You have a great grasp at vocabulary and are able to weave words in a very poetic way. You nailed the setting and made it easy for the ready to know where they are.

What I liked:

SURPRISE ENDING! I live a good twist and you gave it. At first it read like a beautiful romance novel, then suddenly got dark. Congrats! *ThumbsUp*

Suggestions:

I always like to suggest reading what you wrote out loud, as if you were reading it to someone. It really helps and I use it constantly. Parts that don't read well or don't portray the story as you untended, usually stick out. I do this a day or two after I have written something.

Favorite Lines:

The light falling through the window fractured as it hit the floor, carrying particles of dust and fluff and magnifying them, making them look like fairies...
Beautiful!

The memory of her body, intertwined with that of another man, had been seared into his memory. Every time he closed his eyes, that was all he could see, all he could think of. He became obsessed with finding out who this person was, consumed by incoherent thoughts of revenge and violence, until one night he returned from his nightly investigation to find that Elsa had left him a note.
Nice and tight structure here.


Grammar/Spelling, Line by Line: Note: I usually use the line by line for novels/novellas, but you said you were thinking about submitting this for publication, so I’ll use it. It will make it easier for you (and yes, my work get marked up just as much so please be not concerned with all the color).

Note: I usually use the line by line for novels/novellas, but you said you were thinking about submitting this for publication, so I’ll use it. It will make it easier for you.

The light falling through the window fractured as it hit the floor, carrying particles of dust and fluff and magnifying them, making them look like fairies so tiny as to be almost invisible, floating on the single beam of light. -This is a run on sentence. Consider breaking up into two or three sentences. Actually, this type of sentence confines you. By making it several sentences, you will have the opportunity to improve and add to each one, making twice as good.

Jonathan barely saw the light, barely saw the day dawn, barely saw anything but the clay under his hands and the shape hidden in the clay. He had to unearth that shape. He had to make it live. -Typically, you want to avoid using the same words several time in a sentence. However, the use of "barely" would be an exception. It adds to the poetic nature of the piece. That being said, the use of "clay" really needs yo be cut down to one. I suggest something like: ...the shape hidden within.

This shape was the same as all the others had been of late. Since Elsa had gone, [you used "had" in the previous sentence. Try something else such as:Since Elsa left] Jon found himself seeing her again and again [maybe "over and over" is better if you want to repeat the word] in the leaves scattered on the ground, fallen from trees gripped by autumn. He saw her in the clouds drifting across a pale blue sky, in the contours of the wood of his door,[consider using the word "and" here] in the sun's reflection on the river. He couldn't escape her face. Every lump of clay, every canvas he looked at had her hidden beneath the surface[comma] like a diamond in a rock.

Against the walls, across the floor, stacked in some places to the roof, there were copies of Elsa in various states of emotion. Some showed her smiling, others pensive, still others showed her crying. But she was there in all of them, making his studio look like a house of mirrors, all [not needed] reflecting that one beloved face.

Jon had eyes only for the reddish-brown clay under his fingers, wondering at the way that even this long after she had left him, he could still see her as clearly as if they had parted only yesterday. [This line is a bit clunky and revision. Your beautiful words are lost here because of it. Suggestion: Jon only had eyes only for the reddish-brown clay under his fingers. He wondered how, even this long after she had left him, he could still see her as clearly as if they parted only yesterday.] Elsa's features and the curves of her body were forming under his hand, the body [Since you already used "body" in this sentence, try something else. Suggestion: Elsa's features and the curves of her body were forming under his hand, curves he had known better than he knew his own.] he had known better than he knew his own.

Jon worked, sweat dripping off his brow and into his eyes, living and reliving in his memory all those crazy, upside down and inside out days he had had with her. [run-on] He was again seeing her hair catch fire as the setting sun caught it, seeing again her hazel eyes fill with tears when all the laughter, all the fear, all the passion that had been such an integral part of her character, became too overwhelming. [run-on]

It may have been that very passion which had caused things to turn out as they had. Jon didn't know, and he couldn't [wouldn't?] dare to speculate too much. Elsa never knew that he knew, never suspected that he started regarding her frequent excuses of late nights at the gallery with growing suspicion, until finally one night after draining himself on canvas, he had taken the steps that eventually led to the end of their dance. [run-on] He went to the gallery, and there wasn't even a rumble in the ground as his entire world shifted on its axis.

The memory of her body, intertwined with that of another man, had been seared into his memory. Every time he closed his eyes, that was all he could see, all he could think of. He became obsessed with finding out who this person was, consumed by incoherent thoughts of revenge and violence, until one night he returned from his nightly investigation to find that Elsa had left him a note. [This sentance is also a run-on, but it works okay as long as you shorten the others. Breaking it up, however, would never be wrong imho]

Dear Jon, it said. [not needed. Instead, mark the letter with italics.]

Something has left us, and I don't think we can get it back. The fire has been gone for some time now, but I've stayed in the hope that it would return with the suddenness with which it left. [This is clunky and hard to understand. Consider revising] However, I am tired of waiting. The time has come, as we knew it must, for me to fly my own way.

I want you to know that I always loved you, and a part of me always will be[period]

Forever your[s]
Elsa


He had tried to talk to her, tried to reason with her, all to no avail [consider: He tried to talk to her, to reason with her but all to no avail. That is, until the night of her betrayal.], until that night. He had gone to the gallery that morning hoping to talk to her once more, hoping that this time he could make her see. They told him that she was on her way to Paris for an indefinite period of time. They gave him her new cell phone number, and he called her from a phone booth, somehow convincing her to stop by his studio before she left to say goodbye.

She had been shocked when she saw him, [I don't think "shocked" is the right word here, She went there willingly. Perhaps: troubled, shaken, harried, distressed, etc.] and [was? became?] uncomfortable, but he had been at his most charming, his most winning. Still, she was a rock, and he the ocean that kept breaking against her.

The sculpture under his fingers was starting to take on life now, the features of her face almost moving, the chest almost rising and falling with her breath. If only she had given in. If only she had been willing to give it just one more chance. Why couldn’t she understand that she was his world, his life, [and] his soul?

She had been [was] unnerved at all the copies of her, copies as life-like as photos yet as lifeless as the cold glass of a mirror. It was her he needed. He knew that only by regaining her could he be free of repeating her endlessly the way he had been, but she had only looked at the canvasses and sculptured repetitions of herself and tried to leave. [Clunky hard to grasp. Consider revising and breaking up the sentence.] He couldn't let her.

She had been scared, he remembered that, and he also remembered being hurt by her fear. After that, he could recall only frozen moments, snapshots. Her [this would be a good spot to replace the period with a ; ]hands raised to protect her face. The purple bruise around her neck, vivid against her pale skin. Her eyes turning as lifeless as the sculptures he had made.

She had wanted to leave, and he couldn't allow that. He needed her. He couldn't let her leave. [not needed, repetitious]

She had made a faint splash as he rolled her into the river. He remembered that. He didn't remember going back home, couldn't remember the next few days at all.

There must have been an investigation, but evidently he had been convincing, for he never heard anything more about it. He had lounged in his bed, dreaming of her even while awake. At last, the sight of her face on his eyelids drove him back to the studio, back to his canvass and paint and clay.

Jon sat back, appraising his work. It was only a copy! [since this is the voice in his head speaking, chang the was to is and mark it with italics] Again, he was crushed to find it remained only a copy. [not needed, repetitious. consider revising.] The life he thought he spotted earlier had fled entirely, so that only one more repetition remained, cold and lifeless as glass. [confusing, consider revising] Still, he thought. Maybe [Still he though, maybe the...] the next one could be the last. Maybe the next one could finally set him free.

With a sigh, Jon mixed a palette and went back to work.



In conclusion:
Cormac McCarthy is one of my favorite writers. He writes in a very poetic manner. Reading The Road, I was moved at how he described the landscapes. I see a similar quality in you too. You have a knack for story telling, that is obvious. Transitioning that to the skill of a writer is what everyone here is striving for. Please keep writing! You have much to offer the a reader.

Keep up the great work!

Thank you for sharing this with me. *Smile*
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10
10
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Please keep in mind that these are merely the thoughts of a random reader and are only meant as helpful encouragement. Please take whatever is good and throw out whatever doesn't apply! Oh, and don’t mind the dragon. Her breath is bad but that’s the worst of it. *Bigsmile*

General Comments and Reader Reaction:

Mr. Sanders, you sir are a rock star in the making! To be so young, yet have such a grasp on description is amazing. I am very glad you joined writing.com. You have found the perfect place to hone your skills as a writer. You are most definitely a writer. It seems to me that you were born to it. Not perfect, no, but we will discuss that below. You have a gift, and glad you have decided to share it.

What I liked:

You have a great vocabulary and sense of scenery. You use it well to describe the world your characters are living in.

Suggestions:

Read your story out loud. I find that it all makes sense in my head until a lay it down for a day or two, then come back and read it out loud. I then very often find things that don’t work, or would be better said a different way.

Favorite Lines:

Someplace deep in the past, deep within the darkness, the rain fell softly outside and lightning occasionally lit the sky around the grounds of the castle, winds whipping and swaying like a hungry beast upon its prey.

This mysterious element was nothing similar to treasure. It no way resembled gold, silver, fancy goblets or other metals. It was in its own category of what you may call treasure. It was the paragon of all things on earth.

Grammar/Spelling:

The name given to this fabled element was The Treasure Of Superstition. [Of should be of, not capitalized]

It was the paragon of all things on earth. The most precious, alluring, brainwashing item created upon the face of the earth and yet it was nothing but evil.... [Avoid using the same words too close together. Also, avoid putting in ellipses where they are not needed. More on ellipses below. This may work better: It was the paragon of all things. The most precious, alluring, brainwashing item ever created upon the face of the earth, and yet it was nothing but evil.]

The short soldier, frightened to the bone of the dark and nervous of his first night of serving the king, finally noticed the echo of footsteps in the hallway. [Try this: The short soldier, frightened to the bone of the dark, and nervous about his first night serving the king, finally noticed the echo of footsteps in the hallway.]

The soldier yanked his dagger from his scabbard, his heart beating in fear of the noise. He secretly cursed himself for not bringing his lamp. He had heard about the menacing superstitions among his comrades of forgotten apparitions lurking through the hallways of the castle many times, and yet he hadn't listened. [Try: Many times he had heard the menacing superstitions among his comrades about forgotten apparitions lurking through the hallways of the castle, and yet he hadn't listened.]

The ghostly spectral drew out an object from its dark robe and began walking towards the man. The man clung to the walls, drawing himself even more in the shadows as the steady noise of feet grew even louder towards his direction. [This confused me a bit. The ghost is spoken of as if he had already entered the story. Perhaps, “A ghostly spectral…” would work better. Also, the ghost appears to have footsteps, which is a bit confusing as well. I would expect him to be silent in his movement. Consider revising.]

His heart beating so fast, the man was too scared to even breathe, and not even paying attention to the dagger hanging loosely in his trembling hands, the man dropped the dagger on the stone floor… [This section is clunky and needs revision. This would be a great place to use your descriptive words. Example: His heart beat like the hooves of a stampeding bull. The man was so terrified he could hardly draw a breath. Forgetting the dagger hanging loosely in his trembling hands, the man dropped it on the stone floor. Also: you have been refering him as "the soldier" but here you change it to "the man." I would suggest staying with the soldier to avoid reader confusion.]

The man shook his head vigorously, cursing himself for being such so superstitious, but the moment perished when he noticed the constant noise of footsteps end. […cursing himself for being so superstitious…]

“Tell that petty king of yours that I have recovered The Wand of Sorcery…” [drop the ellipses and simply end with a period,]

NOTE: The ellipses “…” indicates an intentional omission of a word, sentence, or whole section from a text without altering its original meaning. You see it when someone is speaking and their words cease in mid sentence. Example: “I had no idea he was a…” Her words froze in her mouth.

In conclusion:
As I said above, I think you are great. With some polish, you will be authoring and selling volumes. I recommend getting involved on the site as much as you can. Take part in contests. They get you writing things you never imagined you could, and really help to hone your skills.
Keep up the great work!

Thank you for sharing this with me. *Smile*
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11
11
Review of Kalida  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Please keep in mind that these are merely the thoughts of a random reader and are only meant as helpful encouragement. Please take whatever is good and throw out whatever doesn't apply! Also, don't mind the dragon. Her breath is bad, but that's the worst of it. *Bigsmile*

General Comments and Reader Reaction:
I see a very interesting beginning to a whole new world. This world could support an entire collection of stories. I encourage you to keep developing it.

What I liked:
I was very intrigued at the different colors of people. I wanted to know what the colors meant and how were they developed. My imagination was on fire reading about them.

Suggestions:
*BurstV* Broaden this story. Give more time to the individual characters you introduced. Remember, the city is a character also. Being a busy metropolis, I was curious as to why the people would notice the sunset. Is it special in some way? Is it a cultural thing?

*BurstV* I suggest writing short stories about everything here. One about the city, one about each of the segmented populace (the greys, greens, browns etc), and of course the maybe characters you introduced. By developing their back stories, it will be easier to weave your plot line. They won’t be wasted either. As the story progresses, you will be able to weave these side stories into the main one.

*BurstV* There are also some green people, which have a somewhat better life than the gray people, the misunderstood people. – Here I wasn’t sure if the green were the misunderstood or the grey.

Favorite Lines:
Troy is in deep thought as he peers down watching the traffic move like a line of multi-colored ants.
In the city of KALIDA you also have people in the colors gold and silver, depending on their wealth.

Grammar/Spelling:
*BurstG*Your sentences tend to run on a bit. I would suggest breaking the up more. In some areas, more commas would help also.

*BurstG*Not until you reach the outer fringes does the roads narrow back down to two lanes, sometimes one. [do]

*BurstG*All of these events will be more crowded next week, it's spring break...and today is Friday. Maybe: All of these events will be more crowded next week. It's spring break, and today is Friday.

*BurstG*She will eventually go out to her fancy car...where her driver awaits. Maybe: She will eventually go out to her fancy car, where her driver awaits.

*BurstG*He owns several major business's in Kalida and is without question the richest man in the world. [businesses]

*BurstG*It's almost 5:00pm...time to set things in motion! Perhaps: It's almost 5:00pm. Time to set things in motion! OR It's almost 5:00pm, time to set things in motion!

*BurstG*NOTE: The ellipses, “…” is to be used to omit a word, phrase or sentence. When someone is speaking and their voice trails off. “I didn’t realize that you were…” She was at a loss of words. If this is not the case, it would be better to use a comma, or break it into separate sentences.

In conclusion:
You have come to the right place! You obviously have a good mind for storytelling. You know how to capture attention and spark curiosity. Transitioning those talents into the skill of a writer is the challenge. I found myself in the same place several years back, when I first joined the site. Keep writing! The more you write, the better you will be. I encourage to stretch your boundaries and write things that are our of your comfort zone. Practice makes perfect and we are here to help each other achieve it.

Thank you for sharing this with me. *Smile*


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12
12
Review of Soaked Coyote  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really liked this bit of prose. The coyote is your muse, it would seem. I wouldn't worry about the formality of poetry with this piece, and I would encourage you to keep exploring it. When I finished reading it, I wanted more. The comparisons between you and the creature are nicely done.

Keep up the great work and keep writing!
(and give us more, lol)

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13
13
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
No, I don't believe you! This is a great little poem. It looks like it was fun to write. I don't like to get critical about poety because it tends to be very personal. If you like it, then it's great and that's all that really matters as far as I'm concerned. This is the kind of poem I like to write and I really enjoyed reading it. Keep at it!
14
14
Review of Noble Cause  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I suffer from depression, but it has never inspired me to write anything as wonderful as this.
This poem is so full of great imagery, it could be about anything really.

The best I've ever come up with is:
You are making me hurt in my head,
Go help me look for my meds.

Seriously though, This is fantastic. I wouldn't suggest a thing to change.

Favorite Line:
The smell of the dying is recurring,
But someday would come to stay.



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15
15
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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Note: I am not a professional copy editor. These are just my opinions as a writer and reader. Please except this in the spirit in which it is being offered, as encouraging and constructive criticism. Feel free to respond with any thoughts you have about this review.


OVERALL SENSE:

This is one of the most creative things I have read. It's light-hearted and fun. I love the originality of the piece. I have written poems in this form and I realize how difficult they can be. I appreciate what you did with this. GREAT JOB!


GRAMMAR/SPELLING:

No issues


AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

None


FAVORITE LINE(S):

Though it wasn't a biting arachnid,
It surely appeared to be wicked.
They designed a persuasion
To thwart future invasion
By It's brothers and sisters and web-kids!


Now, I'm not picky about Near-rhymes vs. true-rhymes. In fact, I love near-rhymes because the tend to get very creative. Your near-rhymes in this part of the poem are genius. You rhymed arachnid with wicked and web-kids! That is awesome.


Thank you!

Please keep writing and reviewing others. We will grow together!

Respectfully,
~Six Gun~


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16
16
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sorry for the delay. For some reason, I thought that I didn't win.
17
17
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This review helps me recruit a creature to bring damage against the Green Witch!


Note: I am not a professional copy editor. These are just my opinions as a writer and reader. Please except this in the spirit in which it is being offered, as encouraging and constructive criticism. Feel free to respond with any thoughts you have about this review.


OVERALL SENSE:

Very intresting. I can relate to this piece actually. I've always suffered from insomnia. As I got older, it was added to with anxiety. It tends to run in the family. If I was worried about a thing, it would plague me like a waking nightmare, and sleep was hard to find. You do a very good job pulling us into that place and making us live it with you *Thumbsup*


AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

There are some issues with the rhythm. Since this is all prose, it's even harder to obtain a nice flow of rhythm, since there isn't any rhymes to help. My suggestion is to work with syllable count. It doesn't matter if you have 4 syllables in one line, the 8 in the next the 10 then 6 or whatever. When you break it up into the next stanza, try to match what you did in the previous one. It gives you tempo, like music. It's not always necessary, don't get me wrong. I just find it brings a piece like this to a whole new place.

Example:

Countless nights, =3
Spent twisting and turning, =6
Unable to rest. =5
My eyes wide in the darkness, =7
Each flutter of my heavy eyelids, =9
Forming a silent, urgent plea =7


So you have six lines here. The next stanza should be six. Line one is three syllables followed by six. The next stanza should also follow suit. Get a count scheme you like, then match each line in the next stanza accordingly. It's just a thought. It can be difficult, I know, but you'll like the finished product much better.


FAVORITE LINE(S):

And so here I lay,
Awake and dreaming,
Of a morning that will never come,
In this night that never ends.

*Right* Been there!



*RainbowL*Thank you!*RainbowR*
Keep up the great work, and thanks
for sharing this with us!


Please keep writing and reviewing others. We will grow together!

Respectfully,
Six Gun


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18
18
Review of Dreaming  Open in new Window.
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This review helps me recruit a creature to bring damage against the Green Witch!


Note: I am not a professional copy editor. These are just my opinions as a writer and reader. Please except this in the spirit in which it is being offered, as encouraging and constructive criticism. Feel free to respond with any thoughts you have about this review.


OVERALL SENSE:

I really liked this bit of prose. You list all these wonderful things about life: Kissing soft lips, shackles broken, laughter, the music of love, etc. Then you punctuate them with, "I dreamed." This tells me that the writer is wanting these things but for some reason they have been unattainable. Nice job here. You made your point, but in a delicate way. Good! *Cool*




AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

The only thing it's lacking, for me anyway, is one last stanza. It needs a stanza that wraps it up and tells us how you will move forward. Okay, we get that these things aren't happening for you. That's a tough break but now what? What will you do about it? Will you keep trying knowing one day your will succeed? Have you given up, all hope lost? Something like that is what I was looking for. Just a better, more solid conclusion.

Hey, if the only criticism you get is GIVE US MORE, then you for sure are on the right track. *Smile*


FAVORITE LINE(S):

Once I dreamed of living
As if I wasn’t dying
Euphoria and laughter ringing in my soul
Reckless and fearless and careless
I dreamed





Thank you!
Keep up the good work my friend!


Please keep writing and reviewing others. We will grow together!

Respectfully,
Six Gun


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19
19
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
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This review helps me recruit a creature to bring damage against the Green Witch!


Note: I am not a professional copy editor. These are just my opinions as a writer and reader. Please except this in the spirit in which it is being offered, as encouraging and constructive criticism. Feel free to respond with any thoughts you have about this review.


OVERALL SENSE:

Looking for love and how to know if they are the right one. Should we gamble our feelings, should we take a chance? This is always a good subject for a poem. *Cool*
5, 4-line stanzas in the manner of aabb.



GRAMMAR/SPELLING:

It could use some comma's to show us where to take a breath. I'll list them at the bottom of this review. I'm terrible at comma use, but my lack of comma prowess has been pointed out to me so much, I can find a few places for you. *Smile*


AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

The poem does have some rhythm issues. Please don't abandon this piece though. You are very close with it. What I have found in writing poetry, is that it's mostly about finding a way to make everything fit right.Having a subject you can express yourself easily with, is a good start, bur making it all fit into a neat rhythm is the bugger. It's a process though. I am still going back and adjusting my poems, adding and deleting words, just for this reason. Keep at it! It will be worth it.


FAVORITE LINE(S):


I know that your soul is overwhelmed with fear,
as is mine when I call for him, not knowing if he'll hear;


Line by Line


Love will always hurt - or so I've been told.
But this doesn't mean you should put yourself on hold;
True love is something <comma> worthy of the pain
It's beautiful when it's love <comma> without envy and vain.

But how do you know when to give yourself away?
How can you tell that this time <comma> you should stay
and wait patiently and love more and more
How do you know <comma> he's the one you're looking for?

I know that your soul is overwhelmed with fear,
as is mine when I call for him, not knowing if he'll hear;
if he'll respond to my cries <comma> and call back for me...
I know he exists <comma> but will we ever be?

I don't know to whom <comma> I will open <up> my soul.
But I'm sure that my heart <comma> can't take another hole;
It's already been broken, but I'll wait and see
Who will be my soulmate, the perfect one for me.

Yes, love might hurt, but if it's for that special one,
who will be your long-lasting love, your own little sun, *Left* add hyphen
It will all be worth it and you can rest assured
Your pain might be big, but your heart will be cured





Thank you!


Please keep writing and reviewing others. We will grow together!

Respectfully,
Six Gun


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20
20
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Note: I am not a professional copy editor. These are just my opinions as a writer and reader. Please except this in the spirit in which it is being offered, as encouraging and constructive criticism. Feel free to respond with any thoughts you have about this review.


This is the question you posed:

Would you want to keep reading? I'm hoping to learn whether or not to keep writing about my recent 2 years in Morocco. Writing about what happened will take several months out of my life. Should I bother? Is my writing any good? What do you think?

This is an interesting little piece. I felt like I was with you in Morocco. You are a very good writer, no question. My question to you is: Why did you start writing this? You have a very interesting story here. You absolutely should write it down. It's essential that you do.

From this little memoir, as stand alone as it is, a wellspring of other stories and ideas will come. Not everything you write will be a winner by itself but may serve as an idea to incorporate elsewhere in other writings. It will take time but just write it in bites. Join a novel review group and they will be read and reviewed.

Nice read.
*Smile*




Thank you!


Please keep writing and reviewing others. We will grow together!

Respectfully,
Six Gun


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by A Guest Visitor

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21
21
Review by Jimbo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Novel Review Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Note: I am not a professional copy editor. These are just my opinions as a writer and reader. Please except this in the spirit in which it is being offered, as encouraging and constructive criticism. Feel free to respond with any thoughts you have about this review.


OVERALL SENSE:

This is pretty amazing. I really loved what you did here. You created this unique world and drove us on a guided tour right through it. *Thumbsup*


GRAMMAR/SPELLING:

Spelling is just fine. *Smile*


AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

With your style (which I love) you have some danger areas you need to be aware of. The over use of description which leads to the over use of commas which leads to run on sentences. Like G.I. Joe says, knowing is half the battle. You are an extremely talented writer but sometimes less is more. The important thig is to find the right balance that makes your good works GREAT!

Here is a link that I found very helpful. I hope that you do as well:


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This item number is not valid.
#1723955 by Not Available.


Now, if you join a review group for novels, they will give you "Line by Line" reviews. I have included one for you below. Look for this: <comments in bold> I have noted many things. Keep in mind, I really like this piece. You have something wonderful here. This is just meant to help you. If you disagree, then disregard. *Cool*

Line By Line:


Ai'Liel (Walks The High Boughs) was always the most daring of the Branchrunners. He would range farther from the heart of the Homewood than any others, he would climb higher, leap farther, and to less solid branches, than any other of the warriors. <a little long. This can be two sentences>

It was said that he was more comfortable leaping tree to tree, branch to leaf to twig, than even the small, light, nut and seed gathering chitter sailers. <should this be sailors? I wasn’t sure.>

It was truth, too. Ai'Liel always felt a special thrill when he had to move as lightly and quickly as he possibly could, to maintain support and speed from the leaves of mother forest. He delighted in the wind in his hair, when he leaped and sprang above the crowns of trees. <reads easier as: tree crowns> Flying farther, taking longer drops, swinging along the vines, branches, even flexible tops, through the trees.

None could match his shooting, either. On the run, flying tree to tree, branch to branch, at breakneck speeds, he was still able to pick a budding spicefruit off of its stem along a clinging vine, with a single shaft. And <not needed, begin with He…> he was just as deadly accurate with the pocketed flexible shaft of the oh'ona strapped crosswise on his back, used to launch rounded river stones, or heavy balls made of the ch'ai'ira wood, then charred for hardness.

Children who had no hope of being accepted, or who had had <double word not needed, eliminate one> hope, <comma not needed> but had been passed for inclusion, <comma not needed> in the Runners, often played with these same weapons. They were scaled down versions, with stiffer shafts, used in a semi-organized team activity. Passing the "ball", usually made of bound rags of woolbark fiber cloth, from teammate to teammate, until one would see an opportunity to whip the "ball" into their chosen scoring target. <consider naming the ball. You have a talent for that and it could use a fun name>

Ai'Liel, however, had never had any real opportunity to join these hijinks. Both of his parents had been Runners, which meant that he had to demonstrate UNworthiness <unworthiness> in order to be removed from the order. So he'd trained to be a forest guardian, a warrior, from his third new-leafing.

Now, Ai'Liel was in the summer of his 20th new-leafing, one of the area's cs'cutiates, or senior Branchrunners. Acknowledged as the best example of a high demand, high performance, <comma not needed> population, he was sure to be announced, <comma not needed> soon, <comma not needed> as an heir to a tribe. That tribe's warrior representative, <comma not needed> amongst the Runners.

Today, though, Ai'Liel had roamed as far as even he considered to be <"to be" not needed, can be removed> on the edge of acceptability. Right to the edge of the mother forest, <comma not needed> from which he could see, if he climbed to the topmost <needs a space, top most> branches, the plains rolling far into the distance. There was a fairly strong wind kicking up off and across those flat expanses, <comma not needed> and the sky above was darkly brooding. He could smell the rain coming in the air, and felt the electric tingle that was the tell tale of a storm sure to be accompanied by the booming, cracking sky fire.

He began to move lower down the levels of the trees, while also making his way back towards the motherwood. He knew there was slim chance of making it, but the closer he got, the more protected from the storm he would be, sheltered by the thickening armor of the boles of centuries-old forest giants.

The rain began to fall, as expected. Fat drops, hitting with a palpable force on the top layers, even having some fair strength driving them, fat and pounding, to his height. The winds were strong enough to be felt all the way down at his level, causing whole trees to sway, not just the crowns and upper boughs. In very short order, it became clear that this was more than the normally destructive storms that came off the plains, this time of year. This was going to be a rage of nature, an act of violence on a scale rarely experienced by his people. A tree-killer.



He just hoped he could make it into the deepwood before the worst of it caught his fleeing self. <add to the previous paragraph>


The winds picked up, the rain became a constant fall of water, no longer separated into drops by leaves and branches, and the first rolling sounds of far off sky fire could be heard, <comma not needed> at fairly close intervals. Ai'Liel just hoped he could make it far enough into the forest to be protected from the brunt of the anger of the powerful storm. But, since he was still far enough away from the motherwood to be considered "in the outreaches", he knew the chances of that were slim, <comma not needed> and getting more so by the moment.



When the storm was so close to him that even the thicker branches, able to support a woodcutter's weight, <comma not needed> standing solid, were weaving and shaking to the point he was having trouble finding footing along them, much less purchase enough to allow his normal fleet run, Ai'Liel came to a decision. <run on sentence. Consider breaking up> He didn't like it, but he had no other choice.



He took his scythethorn blade from its sheath, and began to cut hanging greenmantle vine. Even with his blade of sharpened thorn, impregnated by the sap of the homewood <should this be capitalized?> tree, then dried to make it harder than most stones, the greenmantle was tough to cut.



But he managed. And, as the sky fire was cracking so close that the flash and the bursts of sound came almost simultaneously, he began lashing himself to the tree, hampered by the cutting winds. This was the best he could do, to defend himself against the storm's maddened assault. He hoped it would be enough. <combine with previous paragraph>



The wind gained fury as the storm raged on, gaining such power that it was whipping branches, and forcing the rain to fall almost horizontally, even this far below the tops of the trees. Ai'Liel could feel the whole tree he was lashed to thrumming with the power transferred to it. The branch his feet were on was creaking and bending, twisting to the wind's beat, while the massive booming explosions accompanying the sky fire were falling one after another, almost a single, rolling, sound. He felt his exposed skin was being cut by the impact of water, then flayed from the bone by the force of the wind.



For an interminable time, Ai'Liel rode the storm, in this manner, whipped, flayed, scoured by wind and rain, and the small debris carried on each in its maddened rush, the storm seeming to draw more and more on the pure and raw energy of the Brown Father, from whence all life grew, and to all returned, <comma not needed> in some form, <comma not needed> to be born again, anew, and different.<comma not needed>


What had already been a storm of generations built upon itself, many times over, <period here and begin new sentence> green leaves were ripped from their branches, even this far down, and all about him thin, weakened, or damaged branches were wrenched from their moorings, to fall in a complex and clattering pattern, through the trees' living arms, to the ground below. There was an incessant thrumming throughout this part of the forest, born of the complicated and ongoing vibrations of living wood strummed by the violent fingers of the wind, playing its strings on that which withstood its onslaught, and percussion with skyfire and falling branches, water making various accents to the dramatic, and brutal symphony Ai'Liel found himself a sole audience of...from the focus of all of its massive pressure, it seemed. <run on sentence, consider breaking up>



As ever, <comma not needed> though, a man, <comma not needed> with the freedom to make his choices, also has the necessitated freedom to face the consequences. For Ai'Liel, the consequences seemed dire enough, <comma not needed> already. The Mother and the Father, though, <comma not needed> liked to heap humiliation upon those who expose more than is their wonted share of pride, and Ai'Liel had come to the conclusion that he had displayed just that, and wondered just how much meekness would be forced upon him,<comma not needed> before this was over. <run on sentence, consider breaking up>



He hadn't long to wonder about this, as just moments after he started reflection on the idea that hubris was the reason for his current state, the sky, herself, <comma not needed> opened, <comma not needed> and loosed a bull-throated roar, <period here and begin new sentence> a flash of light, and a concussion of sound, all together, that stopped <change to: all together stopping> the small part of the world around him with its focused act of retribution. The sky fire had struck his own tree, Ai'Liel felt the fire of it run through him, as it grounded itself in the Father, through its bole, and screamed with agony, only to be silenced by a shattered piece of the crown of his stanchion against the storm fully the size of his leg, coming with a speed born of both gravity and the forcible shattering of the impact of the fire, crashing against his head and body, in its tumbling fall to the ground. <run on sentence, consider breaking up> He vaguely heard an ominous cracking creak, and felt a wider sway, as he was lost to the void of dreamless unconsciousness.


See, that's not so bad. I find them VERY helpful.


Thank you!


Please keep writing and reviewing others. We will grow together!

Respectfully,
Six Gun


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