I like the concept. This has good potential. However, I noticed certain things about this that seem off. I'll refer to a revising sheet I got from my college to help you.
First off, the opening seems weak. It is probably made so by the repetition of the word "light." Additionally, the beginning paragraph is almost entirely constructed of short or semi-short sentences.
As I continue reading, I am seeing more issues with description. (I understand if you hate me right now, but I just got a huge lecture about descriptive papers yesterday, and even though your piece's purpose is not to describe, you still want the readers to visualize the piece with all applicable senses.)
I am not going to point out every detail in this paper, one by one, that may be wrong. Instead, I will give you a summary of the things that may help you from my professor's ramblings. (I think I'm the only one who didn't doze off.)
Point One: Repetition of words and phrases gets boring. Find alternative methods.
Point Two: Repetition of any form of "to be" (am, is, are, as, were)- This basically means that, while it will seem difficult, verbs that actually do something should be used as often as possible.
e.g. He is my chemistry teacher. :(
He instructs me in chemistry. :D
Point Three: The English language is massive. It has an immense vocabulary that is larger than any other language. We have all the synonyms. I should know; I just used some. So, next time you're about to re-use a word, think about more elaborate possibilities.
HOWEVER, do not use words you and/or the majority of the population have never heard of. You don't impress anyone. It's a good attempt, but I've tried it before and it doesn't work.
That's about it. The plot and idea is awesome. This was very long but I had to get it across.
Good luck!
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