What an intriguing story you have going here! I realize this is a chapter in a longer piece but from just this chapter I am intrigued to know more about the Black Star Army, the Way Back People and the Primogenitor. As I am jumping in mid-story, one of the questions that arises is what is this world exactly like? And I trust these aspects are addressed in earlier pieces but I love the intrigue! Nicely done! This review will instead focus on this one chapter and not the bigger plot or character arc aspects.
From reading this, I did want to provide some constructive feedback that you can take or leave of course as per our goals with this piece. However I am an avid reader, love reviewing and if this can be helpful for you – then fantastic! 😊 If not looking to make any changes or improvements, then obviously ignore or take from this what you want.
Dialogue Tags:
For me, this chapter was a bit frustrating as a reader, to get through due to the varied dialogue tags primarily. The character Jay was labeled as the young scholar, bespectacled girl, ringleader, and then all repeated to various degrees throughout this one chapter. When writing, sometimes dialogue tags can seem dull and need a little sprucing up perhaps, but when reading – the dialogue tags are not the key element of having dialogue to move along your story. It is the dialogue itself. In this way, by switching up how you refer to each character so much in one chapter is more akin to testing the reader as to who is saying what. My personal opinion, is go ahead and make your dialogue tags simple. If you want to describe one of the characters then do that but not every third dialogue tag, we do not need to be reminded that Jay wears glasses. In comparison, when reading Harry Potter – Harry was described at one point early on as wearing glasses and this was not directly mentioned again (for the most part). Instead his glasses were an obvious part of him so if something happened and they broke, or his glasses went askew or he couldn’t see until he put his glasses on, etc. but he was not referred to as the bespectacled boy throughout the story because we (the reader) knew that he wore glasses and we already had our own mental image of this character.
For example:
Original: ““So good to see you guys,” the bespectacled girl greeted her companions as she rode up on her bike. “My mom went out to go get supplies and my dad is swamped at work. How’d you manage?””
Example: “So good to see you guys,” Jay said, pulling off her glasses and cleaning them vigorously with a corner of her Led Zeplin shirt before donning them again. “My mom went out to get supplies. Dad is swamped at work. How’d you manage?”
Notes: While this might not seem like the most exciting dialogue tag, it also shows the reader something more about Jay. What kind of shirt would she be wearing? Would she have a Led Zeplin shirt or what would it be? And for anyone who has worn glasses their entire life (like myself), they would be well aware of the need to clean your glasses daily. Also I took the liberty of shortening the dialogue itself. More on that below, but in short – how would a teenager actually talk? Complete sentences would not be a thing all the time I am sure. And if she is excited at all – the shorter the sentence, the better. Reading your dialogue out loud can be helpful. 😊
Dialogue:
There is a lot of dialogue in this one chapter being used to move the story forward. My general recommendation is to read through the dialogue out loud and see how it sounds. Does it make sense? Is this how three teenage girls would be talking? And more importantly, is this how these three teenage girls would be talking? And then same for the guys. Also, would recommend sticking to the standard of new dialogue starts on a new line as well. There are many filler words that could be removed to tighten up the dialogue a bit if interested. For example ‘that’ is used quite a bit and not always needed.
Original: I said that I wanted to spend some time with you after being gone all summer, Bian texted on her phone.
Example: I said I wanted to spend some time with you after being gone all summer, Bian texted on her phone.
If a word can be removed from a sentence and the meaning is not changed, then that might be a filler word that could be removed. I know I do this a lot in my own writing and have to go back and remove a lot of words.
Chapter Goals
If I were to describe this chapter, I would say that the goal of this chapter was for Jay to get to the cave. The fact that she wanted to include her friends is a nice touch. However the introduction of two new characters, at this point, to me is a bit unknown. Assuming they become key side characters as the story progresses. However if this is their first introduction to the story, I would recommend a bit more. For example, is ‘The Heir’ talked about previously in an earlier chapter? If so then great, but if this is the first mention of the ‘The Heir’, aka Warren (again, simple dialogue tags instead of rotating between the heir, Warren, etc. would be great. Same example of Harry Potter – you don’t read dialogue tags of ‘The Chosen One’ throughout the books, it is simply Harry. And you just know that he is the Chosen One.) then I would go into a bit more detail.
Original: “With camera in hand, the young man made his way towards the nature trail, only to stop when he saw Warren sitting beneath a nearby tree. The richest student in school was lost in thought as he perused his phone, but Davide was struck by the way the light broke through the branches and covered the heir in sun and shadows. It was picture-perfect, like something out of a movie—except unlike a movie, the photographer did not take a candid photo. The last thing he needed was to be called a creep by one of his new classmates, even if it turned out to be a lovely picture.
Instead, the massive football star walked over to the oblivious student and tapped him on the shoulder. Before Davide could even get a word in though, Warren jumped in his seat and dropped his phone to the ground. The athlete was quick to apologize and pick up the phone, “My bad, my bad. Let me get that for you.” “
Example: “Davide’s lumbering stride faltered as he realized he was not the only one in the park at this hour. Sitting under a lone elm was none other than Warren Hess, the sole heir to the Hess dynasty. Davide’s head swiveled around looking for bodyguards, drivers, or perhaps undercover patrol that normally followed Warren around. To his astonishment there was no one else to be seen. After years of being in the same grade as Warren, Davide has never seen this rich kid alone – and at a time like this!
Although just then things didn’t seem so din and gloomy like the world was going to end. The sun glinted through the leaves and played across warren’s jet black hair and upturned collar. The distinction between positive and negative space as half of Warren’s face remained in shadow, made Davide imagine what this image would look like in black and white. If only he could snap a photo without being noticed, but he didn’t need to be labeled as a creep as well as a jock.
Instead Davide reached Warren in two strides and tapped him on the shoulder as somehow his bulky 6’ 3” frame had gone unnoticed. Warren jumped and dropped his gold phone in the process, staring up at Davide bewildered.
“My bad, my bad. Let me get that for you,” Davide apologized. “
>>As you can see I added some random info that might cross through one’s mind seeing ‘The Heir’ by themselves in a park. Added just a few details to give a glimpse of what Warren looks like. Also, just a note but another example of information to provide – is it important for the reader to kno. w that Davide is a football player? Does this move the story forward? Is this essential? Perhaps mentioned his frame, build and being labeled a jock is enough to give the reader a sense of this aspect of Warren because maybe it’s not critical to the story. Just another example.
Description:
As a reader, I knew a park was the setting but I had no real great imagery of this park. Were there Elm trees? Is it Fall and the maples are blazing red or the birch trees are golden? Is it winter time and the cool air is causing noses to go red? Is there a street nearby with the dull noise of cars in the distance? Are there birds chirping or the crows are pecking at the unattended garbage bins?
Also, the trail to the cave seems very easy. It makes me wonder why hasn’t Jay been there in so long? Perhaps add an obstacle? Or at least add a false scare (the uninhabited transient area or such) for some suspense perhaps? There is a lot of room for descriptions and more prose. Show the reader the area. Show the reader the cave.
Other notes:
Added in the description of ‘The Latina’ or ‘The Vietnamese girl’ seemed a bit out of place. Goes back to – is this information necessary for this part of the story? Was this already mentioned before? These extraneous descriptions tended to bring me out of the story whereas a short description of the surrounding area would have been very welcome. Hope that makes sense. Keep the reader in the moment.
Hope this was helpful as I do think this story is very intriguing and has a lot going for it! From this one chapter, it was a bit difficult to get a good glimpse at motives, plot, etc. but hoping the information above is helpful in one way or another! 😊 Keep writing! And if interested, would be happy to review more of your work in this story. Cheers!!
Happy Writing,
Squeak
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| (3.5)
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Nice job and keep up the good work!
! I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.