That’s a very polished chapter, which I enjoyed reading. I’m glad John Toland’s name is being added to the wall. Yes, I think Chris is right to visit grandma’s church. There is knowledge there waiting to be found. The mystery surrounding Leyla is intriguing.
I like the sentence ‘Evelyn went to the office from which…..’ it was well constructed. Often I see that ‘from’ right at the end in other people’s work and it doesn’t sit right there.
Well done!
It was nice to see Leyla being brought back into the story Loyd. In the first chapter I thought we were going to see/hear a lot more about Leyla's back story. Now the emphasis is on Evelyn's wonderings about God and his place in all of this, which may prove to be the main emphasis of the whole novel, given the title. I love how she is drawn back to Chris Leighton at the end.
John Toland has died and I'm asking myself why he needed to be taken out of the story so soon?
I really like the 'Why am I making this about myself' question. There are so many people who make things about themselves, when really they are just a small part of the whole.
Evelyn is learning a lot about life through her job and also her home situation, which isn't great. Maybe now is the time to hear a bit of her backstory. We'll see what's in the next chapter...
Nothing wrong with the grammar etc. that I could see. The story flows well and is easy to absorb. Well done.
Shirley
Good morning :) This chapter started with a nice little bit of camaraderie between Evelyn and Toland. It's always good to have a bit of comedy, especially in a story like this one, which is intense. This chapter came as a surprise to me. It takes us away from the Leyla story and puts us into another scenario entirely, although I suppose that is almost typical for the police service in this day and age, sadly. Also it was nicely led - Evelyn wanting to check out the neighbourhood where Leyla lives. Having persuaded us that Toland is a really good guy, now we have to come to terms with the fact that he has been shot. Oh 'caramba', what a horrid thing to happen to him. No, our heros can't die! He must be injured, but will that endear him to Evelyn even more. We'll have to wait and see. The pace moves along in its usual steadiness, which I like. The conversations are easy (nice) (well constructed). I didn't find anything in the grammar to comment on and I look forward to the next chapter.
Hello Mike :) Oh ho! this piece certainly struck a cord with me. Yes, I've been there too. It must have been very unsettling for your protagonist to suddenly get dismissed like that, without an explanation that made sense. The piece drew me in, but it could have been much longer. I was just getting to enjoy the mystery, when it ended. Mysteries are best when they are slow boilers (only my opinion.)
I doubt if the protagonist would be allowed back for any reason, once dismissed so that was a bit of a stretch to believe, especially more than once!
Perhaps you would like to go back in and add a linespace in paragraph 2. I've just had to do a load of those in my latest chapter. It's a pain, but it would look better if you did that.
So, how about making this piece the start of a book? or a novella? I think it would resonate with lots of people. Well done.
Hello Loyd :) Well here comes the next exciting chapter, all the more exciting because the previous one was quieter. Two scenes to devour here. Firstly the court scene and the surprise of Josey's postponed plea. Yes, that was a good idea - postpone the judgement and increase the tension and secondly, Chris's fearful moment right at the end, cliffhanger. I wasn't quite sure where the store was, meaning, does Chris work there or is he doing a sort of out of hours community service. Please clarify, is that part of his job as pastor or is it his day job out of hours?
The lighter addition of Evelyn's return home to her flat to find that Beth, her housemate, had eaten Evelyn's supper, was a welcome diversion from the heaviness of the other situations.
An excellent chapter, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Well done.
I like it but I think it needs tidying up. I find some things hard to find or get to. I would like to see a list showing the top authors for novels, short stories etc. and a ranking system. I would like more reviews. There could be a ranking system for reviewers too.
I don’t really like the achievement badges.
Hello Amare Jane :) I enjoyed your reflections of childhood very much. I can identify with a lot of it too because I am an only one. Friends and cousins played a big part in my growing up so whereas those sisters and brothers who had each other, always had each other to bounce idea off and give and take consolations, we didn't. That makes a big difference, doesn't it. It makes us more resourceful, more patient, more used to our company and most importantly more able to 'lick our own wounds'. A lot of your memories are mine too and yes, wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to go back to our ten year old selves, with the knowledge of life we have today and live it over again. It would be very different.
I didn't see anything wrong with the English or the grammar. I did get a little confused at the beginning when I thought you were talking about yourself and your sister, but of course I soon realised that you didn't have a sister, LOL
Well done, a lovely reflection, good writing and lots to pique my interest.
Chapter five already and the story is moving along slowly. There is a slight change of pace in this chapter and I think you could capitalise on that a bit? As nothing much is happening in this chapter to move the story along, except the bite of course, you could perhaps use the opportunity to get inside the heads of the two characters and give us their internal thoughts. Maybe they could be remembering something from their pasts, which would expand their personalities and give us a chance to see where their current actions and reactions are coming from.
I didn't see anything wrong with the English or the grammar particularly although it always grates on me when I see sentences starting with 'and' or 'but'. Those are joining words, used to join one clause with another - not to start a sentence, but that is just my thoughts, old fashioned though they are nowadays.
I like the interactions and conversations between the two characters. I just feel that now might be the time to introduce a few other things. Keep writing. Well done!
Yes, that was excellent Joel :) I enjoyed every sentence. I love how the chess game reflected the man’s life and how losing the game didn’t take away from him the urge to try again. Nothing wrong with the English or the grammar, that I could see except perhaps those rather suspicious dashes all over it.
I felt with the man throughout as he lost and gained concentration with every move. That was very well described.
This is a wonderful story. Well done.
Hello Loyd :) This is an interesting chapter. I didn't see anything wrong with the English or the grammar. You are quite meticulous with that. It seems as if there is more going on with this family. Mee-maw seems to be ruling the house and she clearly doesn't like Josey. Perhaps she is putting some bad ideas into Leyla's mind, but what is her intention? Maybe to get rid of Josey permanently, but what has Josey done to draw out the grandma's ire?
Nice character development in this chapter and I enjoyed reading the description of the house. I'd like to see some more of that. Your use of dialogue is very good, but the story might take on more life if you filled it out a bit with more description..... that's just my opinion and not the modern way as you mentioned before.
Well done.
Hello Loyd :) Chapter three moves along at the same, steady pace, which I find pleasing. I was going to say 'easy' but I don't mean that. I mean that it doesn't jump about so I can follow the conversations, whilst trying to understand where the characters are and what they are attempting to do with Josey. I've never been in a situation like this but I have watched a fair bit of TV, lol.
My first thought was schizophrenia, only because Josey was hearing a voice, but not voices, so maybe she did hear the voice of God, or maybe the devil? I wonder where this story is going. Is it going into the realms of horror or perhaps Josey really is up against the devil, encaptured in Leyla. The experts are going to get to the bottom of it, I hope, before Josey gets banged up for years or is let out and really does do some harm.
They say 'write about what you know', so I'm wondering where your knowledge is coming from, in order to write this story. When you say '.....send me' I am thinking you may be a pastor yourself? Am I right?
It is interesting to think about the possible outcomes so I will read on.
Hello Loyd :) Here is chapter 2 and it follows on nicely from chapter 1. The pace of your story is pleasing. You go along nicely and I like the way you are introducing the characters in a way which my aging brain can accept them, i.e. not too many, too quickly. I realise that the protagonist is the co-responder and her relationships with the other characters in her life are revealing themselves cohesively.
She is interested in her 'counsellor', who is helping her to come to term with the trauma recently experienced and is even pleased that he asks for her telephone number, officially, of course, but it leaves the reader wondering if another sort of relationship might just have been born. From that the reader may assume that she is single and available.
As to her manner of dealing with the trauma, it is now obvious that she does, indeed, need help because after applying herself to a difficult drive home, she then lets loose her feelings of dread and is sick as a result.
We are going deep into psychology now as we wonder why the child's mother would call her 'evil'. Is any child evil? well maybe, but we need to know what causes the mother to think it or is she evil herself.
Gradually the story is unfolding. Well done.
I didn't find anything wrong with the English or the grammar.
Best wishes, Shirley
Ooh that was scary and you had me hooked from the start, but it's not the sort of thing I usually read so it will be a bit difficult for me to review because I'm not sure what you want me to say...
There is no 'beating around the bush' here. Your writing is direct and clear. I am in no doubt about what is going on and I'm not confused by the characters. I understand that this is about dealing with the mental health gymnastics that occur when someone is having a psychotic episode. You show how important it is for trained professionals to be in that situation so that matters do not deteriorate. Sadly there seem to be more and more episodes like that in recent years.
I didn't find anything wrong with the English or grammar so I'm not going to comment on that. It reads a bit like an episode of Law and Order :)
So, a very successful start to what is going to be a rather frightening story. I will continue with it and see what happens next.
You probably noticed that I like a lot of imagery so maybe, if you were revising your story, you could put a bit more of that in for people who don't know Tennessee or such locations. I think you may have finished your story already so if I continue, tell me again what you want reviews on, please.
I live in England now, but I have lived in Tennessee.
Best wishes, Shirley
Naomi :) that is a wonderful story. I really felt as if I was part of it as the story unfolded. I love the introduction too. You didn't just dive in to the action, you took the time to give us a sense of place.
The story is full of feelings and it is also full of information about your lifestyle whilst growing up and how your father taught you some valuable lessons.
There are quite a few understandable mistakes regarding the language, but nothing that spoils the atmosphere or the tale. If you want me to go through it, ask and I'll spend some more time on it.
Your story will remain with me for some time because it was so different to what feels like normal in my life.
Thank you so much for this beautiful tale.
Shirley
Oooooh very scary! I enjoyed your story very much. No mistakes were evident to me. I liked how you coloured the speaking parts :) mirrors are funny things aren’t they! Not so long ago it was customary where I live to cover a mirror in a thunderstorm or in the parlour where a dead body was lying. We didn’t have so many funeral homes then :) Well done.
This is a beautiful, though poignant story, more of a piece of prose actually. I love how you use the weather to emphasise the coming and going of love. If you made it longer we would get to know tbe characters better and the story would grow deeper, but it is fine how it is now. Well done.
Yes, I enjoyed reading your piece and sympathised with your situation, although different to mine. I can feel how you just want time to yourself to write, without interruption. That comes through very strongly and you have described it well.
The piece is succinct, yet it tells us all we need to know. I think with a piece of work like this, you do need to set a time boundary because you could have made it much longer. That would have given it more depth, but it may have lost some of the 'punch.' There is nothing wrong with the English or the grammar, not that I could see, anyway. I'm looking forward to reading some more of your work, especially the children's pieces.
I'm giving you five stars for this piece because it achieves what you set out to do and it made me want to read more :)
Well done!
Shirley
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