Overview:
This is a solid piece of your story. It has all of the elements to move your tale along to the next scene.
Suggestions:
There are just a few minor grammatical issues, but anything that jars the reader back into reality should be avoided. Take a look at: "precession" and read carefully for comma placement.
Notable quote:
"The chocolates because he couldn’t eat solids and the card because, well everyone kind of knew."
The audacity of bringing a Get Well Soon card to a dying man -- I love it!
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Overview:
How can I resist any tale that starts off with a fjord? The story is filled with details that draw me deeper into the action. You've done an excellent job incorporating them seamlessly. The pacing and dialogue also expertly done.
Suggestions:
Nothing of note -- your story is engrossing and reads well!
Notable quote:
"The sea is unpredictable, merciless and malicious. Every trip is a battle against it; every safe return is a victory."
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Overview:
This is an upbeat work of poetry; you do a great job keeping up the celebratory mood of the work.
Suggestions:
Great work with your grammar and punctuation -- there are no mistakes that detract from my focus on your imagery. The only spot where you might consider using a different word is the line, "or a singer singing from his soul." Perhaps there is another word you can substitute for "singing" which would feel less repetitive.
Notable quote:
"To the jubilant sounds of the jungle"
I love the alliteration here!
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Overview:
You've written a raw and truthful look at the realities of relationships. Bewildered pain seeps through your prose.
Suggestions:
You might want to consider adding paragraph breaks to this item for the sake of readability. This are powerful emotions in your work -- don't shortchange them by using text-messaging abbreviations for words and phrases instead of full sentences. Tell us more!
Notable quote:
"it is said that you cant see blue water if u have blue eyes"
This is a standout quote in the piece. Lovely visual.
Writers: Have an item you'd like reviewed? Send me a message: Sumi
Overview:
A difficult subject that you managed to deal with delicately. The n-word is tricky to use without triggering a potent reaction. I think you've tread carefully here. Good work.
Suggestions:
Nothing in particular to change, but it saddens me that the narrator believes that racism and inequality are constants. It means, as an author, you've done your job well!
Notable quote:
"but all they seen was"
I like the dip into colloquial speech here. There may be other places to include such cultural color into the rest of the poem.
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Overview:
This is a dark and disturbing piece. I believe you perfectly captured the mood you were going for. You've offered a hint of the backstory to come and piqued my interest for more.
Suggestions:
I wonder if the main character really sees the red on his cheek as "gore" or perhaps the paint/raw material/etc. which he uses to create his masterpiece. The word "gore" indicates a negative connotation that he might not have about his own work.
Notable quote:
"an expression undisguised by language yet pregnant with emotion"
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You've got a good amount of action in a short space; however, it feels like you're skimming the surface of the story instead of delving in. As readers, we'd love to be immersed in the action instead of hovering above it.
You've definitely captured my attention by killing off the group within the first few paragraphs, I hope to read the continuation!
You've set up a fascinating situation here; if the incident had actually occurred, how should Tom be dealt with as merely an instrument of evil? It would be great to see an expansion of this dilemma. You move the action along quickly and deftly.
One thing you may want to watch are the apostrophes. They're used for possessives, but not for plurals, so words like "targets," "shots," "paragraphs," and "chapters" should not have them.
I'm glad Tom turned out to be innocent -- you wrote him as a genuinely good guy, and I don't want to see him unjustly punished!
This is a thoughtful piece of writing on an engaging topic. It's clear that you are both well-versed on your subject and open to new teachings.
The one thing that you might want to look out for are changes in your tense within the same paragraph. For example, in paragraph one you say, "all we had to do was listen," then in the next sentence, "superstructures have been created."
In the next paragraph, we find a similar issue with "TV evangelists catered to hundreds" and "the web caters to hundreds." If you are setting up those two phrases as a comparison, you may need a clarifying "but" or "however" in there.
Thank you for sharing a glimpse at your larger work!
You have created a fascinating juxtaposition of old, formal words like "thee" and modern colloquialisms like "don't come crying to me." Is that something you did intentionally? If so, you might want to call attention to your choice in other areas of the poem. I really liked the warning tone of the work. Great poem.
In this poem, you've managed to capture the sorrow that hovers around this type of tragedy. The writing evokes both sadness and grim realization that there is no true justice in this situation.
The only minor change I'd suggest is to change the numeral "6" in line 17 to the written-out number. In such a somber poem, seeing the number is a bit jarring. Lovely work.
The first paragraph is an intriguing mix of anxiety and soothing words. The word "anesthesiologist" made me tense, then the calming dialogue started to assuage that feeling. There is a lot going on in the second paragraph that suggests an entire (unsettling) story that isn't explicitly told. Very well done! Congratulations on winning and thanks for entering Nightly Nanofiction!
At one point when Charmian falls, you say: Her teeth sliced through her lip, jaws cracking together, and she could swear she broke something.
And then several paragraphs later: She chewed on her sore lip while she thought it over.
I think the first one sounds much more serious than the second one turns out to be. Teeth slicing through her lip would mean at least a bit of blood -- those mouth cuts always seem to bleed an awful lot. But a few moments later, she's just got a sore lip. You've given us a great image of her falling, but I found myself waiting for her to deal with her wounds in the next paragraphs and never really seeing it.
I'm curious about Red Bird in the reflection and the mysterious talking mist...
I think it takes Charmian too long to realize what has happened. As readers, we can guess very quickly that there has been a switch -- don't make her clueless for too long or we're exasperated with her! And I wonder why she doesn't first try tossing the stone back at Augwak-Pomiere to see if she can reverse the effects. Whether or not it works, it would be logical to try.
I like the ending. I'm curious, but not panicked at what's coming next.
Well, things appeared to be back to "normal," at least as far as normal went in this place--
Leave the "well" off the beginning of this sentence. It sounds too chatty for a narrator, plus you have the next sentence starting with the same word.
Hm, I have a guess as to what Augwak has on that stick. I wonder if I'll turn out to be right...
Charmian didn't need to think twice to know Tal Natha would be pissed if he found out she was running after Justin. She bolted out the door after her, hoping to stop her before she made a mistake.
Just perhaps clear up a couple of the "she's" in this paragraph. Who is running after Justin? After a minute it made sense, but I had to reread it.
A great part and a clever way of introducing two new characters without it feeling forced.
One minor thing that I noticed: If most GeeBees are cannibals, I don't think Justin would be so incredulous toward Charmian's reaction to Pakwa. He might still chuckle at her and indignantly refuse to shoot Pakwa, but he would probably understand her fear.
All right -- the bat is back -- thank goodness. :) I think you need to mention him somewhere in the previous part instead of making him disappear and then reappear when needed. The poor thing was probably hanging onto Charmian's vest pocket for dear life while she communicated with the Uroona and sprinted through the woods. He he. :)
Otherwise, a good transition scene between Sugar Loaf Rock and the tense scene I sense is to come.
You do a good job of going through the possibilities of how Ocryana has enlisted the help of the GeeBees. You explore the options while not committing to a particular one.
I'll go into...cough...what Marcott calls 'town'
Is that cough Francois being cheeky about Marcott calling it a town? If so, it would work better closer to the word "town":
I'll go into what Marcott calls...cough...'town'
And whatever happened to that bat Charmian picked up in the last part?
Good chapter -- a very tense scene with the tension erupting with the fight between Tal Natha and Red Bird.
She reached down and plucked it from the wall, wrapping its tiny feet over the edge of her vest pocket, and made her way to the door, stepping outside into the sunlight.
I was surprised that Charmian -- who seems wary of most unusual things on the island -- suddenly plucks a bat from the wall. She hasn't had any interaction with the bat that I can recall. It just feels strange that she is so confident with it.
For goodness' sake, Charm! Are you getting afraid of him?
This use of italics here is a little confusing. You use them for spychic speech, but here it seems that Charmian is thinking to herself. You may need to find a way to differentiate between the two. Or at the very least, tag them with the thinker's identity more clearly.
With and ending like that, I couldn't stop reading if I wanted to! :)
It's interesting that Ocryx seems so interested in Red Bird -- I'm curious to know why. :)
She can quite easily fool you without your knowledge.
This is the second time that Tal Natha has mentioned Ocryana tricking Ocryx "without his knowledge" -- what I've been thinking while reading those sentiments is that all deceit is without the deceived person knowing it. That's the nature of trickery. Tal Natha is very intelligent and can make this distinction -- he doesn't have to keep saying "without your knowledge." But maybe there is a nuance of Ocryx power that you're getting at that I'm not grasping.
"Your mère will be fine."
I think Francois' would be more likely to say, "Ta mère will be fine." Articles are so ingrained in French speech that "ta mère" becomes like one word in colloquial speech.
You do an excellent job of creating distinct voices for each of the characters. Ocryx, from the start, sounds different than all of the others we've encountered so far.
Everything else needs no correction -- it works beautifully. Now that you're well into your main story, the pace has picked up and as a reader I feel completely a part of this world.
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Overview:
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