Emotional Impact:A beautiful and somewhat erotic poem. The reader is invited to feel the love and the passion the main character feels as she is loved by her lover.
Effectiveness of Form:The wonderful rhyme scheme you have going on added an almost musical quality to the piece. It wasn't intrusive, like some rhyme can be. The emotions that wer provoked were wonderful. The reader was right within the poem, experiencing the devotion, love, and passion that saturated every word. For even though the main character gave up a precious part of herself, it was returned tenfold with everything her lover gave. It is truly a lovers nest where nothing can hurt them as long as they are together.
Punctuation and Grammar:Wonderfully done.
Closing Comments:Thank you again for such a sweet and loving piece.
Emotional Impact:An incredible poem that challenged the reader to think differently, and to experience life in a different manner. It really struck a chord with me because you made the reader think of what it might be like if they were blind and couldn't see things like a tear.
Effectiveness of Form:I really like the short stanza's and how they each have their own theme. You make the reader think of what it would be like if they could experience their life in a different manner. Try and see what others may not notice and experience things in a different matter then usual. You use mostly the sense of hearing and the sense of sight to get your point across. The images you present are beautifully done, drawing the reader in and truly making them experience it. I also had to remark on the lovely picture of the kite, it really set the reader up for your poem.
Punctuation and Grammar:Very well executed, nothing wrong that I noticed.
Closing Comments:Thank you for teaching the reader to think in a different matter. Opening their eyes to a new experience.
Emotional Impact:A very interesting poem that made me thing for a while. I'm still not sure if I got the whole meaning of it or not.
Effectiveness of Form:There is a lot of imagery and metaphors in this piece. Or else I'm reading too much into it. I sort of figured that chess was a metaphor for life and how we are all pawns in it. The chessboard was the world, and we were being moved around on someone else's whim. That each piece represented a particular challenge that we had to meet in life. The part about the old men wanting to play it more then anytihig is because their life is almost at an end and they are reliving their past. The ups and downs, and the word eheckmate means that their life is ending soon. Or something like that. LOL Very deep and thought provoking. I loved some of the images like the endless blue sky, all the crashing pawns and flirting queens.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed.
Closing Comments:What a Wonderful poem, keep on Writing.
Emotional Impact:A heartrendingly beautiful tribute poem written for those that have died in the Vietnam war, protecting all of us.
Effectiveness of Form:You did a grea job with following the Pantoum form. You used the second and forth lines of the first stanza in the first and third lines in the stanza afterwords. Then you ended the poem with the same line as the beginning, which really just closed it up and made everything full circle. You used some great images, with the silent mothers tears, and the names carved on the black wall. I think my favorite line, although gruesome, was the forests being covered in blood. It is the undeniable truth, and should never be forgotten. This is a poem that tells the tale of sorrow from each mother and father that last a son, for every friend that was lost, for every brother that was never seen again. It was full of grieve, and horror at what had happened. The emotions pull a tear from anyone that reads this, for it is real.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I could think of.
Closing Comments:A wonderful poem. Keep on writing!
Emotional Impact:A wonderful poem that makes the reader think about the differences between us all. The fact that we all have things in common, but we refuse to acknowledge it.
Effectiveness of Form:A wonderful sentiment, that so many should read and learn from. How we should treat each other as brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers. We all have things in common, and you brought one up in particular. I like the fact that you talked about heartbreak being one thing that everyone can relate too. It's original and also, very true. I can't think of someone who hasn't felt some sort of heart break. Although I did think some of the lines didn't flow as well as I would have liked. I did stumble a couple of times reading it aloud. Maybe it was because you were thinking a little too hard on what would rhyme with the other line or with each other. It might have been better if you did this a s a free verse poem. That is only my onion though. I loved how you said that it was only a start of something, if we could all acknowledge that we all felt heartsick and sad at times. Then it would be eaiser to acknowledge other things we have in common.
Punctuation and Grammar:The punctuation was well done, and I already mentioned the part about the rhyming.
Closing Comments:A wonderful poem that makes me fel hope that the world isn't doomed.
First Impressions:A wonderful Christmas tale that really got me into the spirit, even though Christmas is far, far away.
What I Liked:The characters were spot on! I could really relate to the young man and his slightly eccentric Grandmother. The first sentence caught my attention and dragged me along for a ride. You are caught up in the story and everything around you disappears. You live the life before you. There is also a wonderful message hidden within, easy enough to learn but not overbearing. One should always give back to a community, and to give what you wished you could have gotten. I really loved the way you described the curio cabinet, with all the strange dishes that she uses all the time. Making sure her family is well fed and cared for. You could feel the love Jason felt for his grandmother. He came to visit her and even learned something while he was at it. Again, descriptions were well used in describing a loving part of the family home. I did get a laugh when Jason was grumbling about all the Christmas songs. I have to agree with him, they start a little too soon sometimes.
Suggestions:None, a well told tale all around.
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:None!
A wonderful Christmas tale that can be read anytime.
Hi Jaye P. Marshall! After reading your wonderful story "Gateway to the Stars" on behalf of your package from "Just Because I Want To", I offer these comments:
First Impressions:A fun story about a young girl growing up without any girls her age to play with and how her imagination had to soar.
What I Liked:You have a knack with characters. I love how well crafted they all were, even those that didn't play a huge role in the story. Like the father, brothers, mothers and even the cousins. They each had a separate personality. The young girl was very well done, I could relate to her in every way. I remember playing with my dolls, and wishing I had a sister instead of a brother. The loneliness and isolation the young one felt was captured in such a way that yu could feel it instead of being told about it. I loved the part about the swing and how it freed her. How she was reaching for the stars, a very nice twist.
Suggestions:None.
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:None that I noticed.
Hi Jaye P. Marshall! After reading your wonderful story ""Leave Me Alone!"" for your package from "Just Because I Want To", I offer these comments:
First Impressions:A well told tale of a woman who has been left with tons of bills and no husband in site.
What I Liked:I applaud you on your descriptions in this piece. I could clearly see this woman, suffering and alone in her misery. Her apartment a mess, her appearance disheveled and her not caring. After all, she has been left high and dry by someone she loved, but id not love her back. She feels used and abused, and decides that a new outloo, in life is needed. I felt ofr the character, and could relate to her. Going to the beach was supposed to let her wallow in her self misery but the plans change when a handsome young man shows up. He gets her out of her cocoon, and into real life. I liked how you managed the situation, making it not forced, letting her reach out at her own pace.
Suggestions:None that I can really think of.
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:None that showed up.
Hi jayepmarhsall! After reading your wonderful story "The Door" as part of your package from "Just Because I Want To", I offer these comments:
First Impressions:This was an interesting and slightly creepy read. A familial ghost tale, that has a lovely written quality to it.
What I Liked:It felt like I was sitting right across from you at a coffee shop or somewhere else, listening to you tell this tale. The characters were very realistic, they felt like they could belong to my family. The beginning snatched the readers attention and didn't let it go until the very end. I really liked the epilogue, which cleared up the mystery surrounding the haunted room nicely. I felt like I was part of this journey, listening to the guitar late at night and trying to figure out what was going on. You can't help but feel sorry for the grandmother, losing her son like that and not wanting to let go. The description swere perfect, especially the way you set up the room that Uncle Bill stayed in. How it hasn't changed a bit, and also the rest of the scenery. The old house, barn, and all the things that young boys can get into.
Suggestions:I did think that moonlight was a little overused at times. Like how you could see Jason's eyes because of the moonlight, and then the hallways was bathed in moonlight. It was a little repatitive.
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:None that I notieced.
Emotional Impact:Another one of your dark, depressing poems. Sort of fits my mood right now, or more like overwhelmed.
Effectiveness of Form:Using the italics was a great idea! It really made it seem like I was in somebody's head, listening to them rant about their lost love. I could almost picture them crying alone in a dark corner. The images were great, I could picture this naive couple, walking through life together and thinking there was no trouble. Then when it becomes obvious that life is no picnic, one loved one leaving the other to suffer.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed.
Closing Comments:A great sad poem from you. Keep on Writing!
First Impressions:What a fun read! The perfect thing to cool me down on a hot and humid night. Makes me wish it was winter time right now! We got a great glimpse into your life when hardship struck.
What I Liked:I loved how realistic it read. It made me feel like I was having a normal conversation with you, not sitting on my computer reading a story. I had to laugh at the list of supplies, especially the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and the water for flushing the toilet. Can't forget the essentials. The whole story was one hilarious incident after another. From your husband saying that he had enough cigarettes to last him, only to find out he really didn't, to locking himself out of the car and having to break in using a metal coat hanger. This is just a perfect family moment, that shows the reader what it's like to be you. With some great description, especially in what a snow storm looks like, to the love that the reader can feel you have for your husband.
Suggestions:None, this was well written.
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:Again nothing.
Thanks for letting me peek into your life and keep on writing these great stories!
Emotional Impact:A very powerful poem that draws the reader into it and makes them feel like they are the tree.
Effectiveness of Form:This was a wonderful tribute to humanity and trees both. A sort of simile that compares human suffering and strenth to that of a tree that has been struck by lightning. How, although each one has been wonded by nature or forces outside their control, each one stands tall. They will grow stronger because of this experience, and regrow what has been taken away. I really liked how you used the word "heart" to describe the inside of the tree. For, even though that is it's scientific name, it adds to the comparison to a human. The descriptions were very clear, with the reader being able ti visualize this poor tree that has been harmed, and how it will grow again to protect those that need it. Just like a human will do anything to grow and protect those that they hold close.
Punctuation and Grammar:Perfect as always Ken!
Closing Comments:Another lovely piece from you. Keep up the great work. *thumsup*
First Impressions:A fun peek into your life, seeing why you chose the position you did, even though it's not your dream job.
What I Liked:I really enjoyed how you went in chronological order. We got to see you as a med student, making your decision into what you wanted to be and why. Then we see you try..and fail at being an ENT. Thus the reason you became a Pediatrician. I had a great chuckle when you were describing what kids are like, their personality's and quirks. How you loved them and hated them in the same breath. There were numeration instances where the reader connected to you, the emotions that you were putting into it what we all have felt one time or another. Although I hope most of us don't have to face an elderly lady chewing us out for a mistake and apro wrstler pounding our faces in. It was a very interesting read.
Suggestions:I can't think of anything major except maybe adding how parents react when their children are ill. That could be a fun snippet to add.
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:None that I noticed.
I had a great time reading this and getting to know you a little better. Keep on Writing!
Emotional Impact:This piece reminds me that depression is sometrhing that is incredibly hard to pin down, and also something that harms everyone around you.
Effectiveness of Form:The short lines seem to really add to the fragmented thoughts as the world seems to collapse around you. The images were powerful ones, invoking the fear, and hatred, confusion and all the ohter emotions that one feels. Although I did think you could split this up into separate stanzas. There are several points where it seems to switch subjects, that it could be split up. I would also consider getting rid of the last line, where it says help. It just doesn't seem to fit.
Punctuation and Grammar:There was one small area that I thought a word could be added in the line: "I want left here alone." I would think about adding I want to be left alone.
Closing Comments:A great way to let others know how depression hurts.
Emotional Impact:This is a dark poem, that reminds the reader how much baggage we all hide. It got me thinking, how much do I truly know someone?
Effectiveness of Form:The short lines pack an emotional punch, without wasting words on something that is unnecessary. I could really picture someone tiptoeing through someone's mind, finding all those hidden places that we wish we never had. All those secrets that we buried and hopefully for got. It reminds us that although we can pretend to be civilized and little angels, there is a little darkness in all of us. You may think you know someone, but do you truly know them? There are parts that are hidden, even from themselves.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed.
Closing Comments:A terrific dark and thought provoking poem. Keep on Writing!
Emotional Impact:Another hilarious poem from you my dear, and touching on a subject that I don't get myself. Fashion as always eluded me.
Effectiveness of Form:I had great fun reading this little piece, and the picture really aded to the humor. The short couplets made for a quick, easy read that seemed to add to the humor. I have to admit, I hate thongs, really I do. They just don't make a whole lot of sense to me. OH well, some people like them some don't. And a lovely lesson for all men, never say you don't understand why your wife is wearing what she is. Just smile and complement her.
Punctuation and Grammar:Perfect as always my dear!
Emotional Impact:Ahhhh Ken, you do know how to make a girl laugh. I was reading this piece, laughing my little butt off and getting some strange looks from my father.
Effectiveness of Form:I loved the classic tale of the gene and three wishes, with your own little twist of course. First you have an oldlady who knows that she is to die soon, yet still wished for the normal things like money and youth. But the part that really caught me by surprise is having her wish for her her cat to become human. Then I was laughing when you threw in the whole the cat was fixed thing. Poor woman. And you're right, the genei alwasy wins. That's why, if I ever see a genie, I'm running the opposite way!
Punctuation and Grammar:None as always!
Closing Comments:Thanks for the great laugh, I needed it!
Emotional Impact:This made me think for a bit, before I truly understood (sort of) what's going on. This is a melancholy poem, and makes the reader feel the same way as they read on. They connect to ther character, in a way that's hard to explain.
Effectiveness of Form:I really liked how you set this piece up. The image is a nice touch, but my favorite part is how you had the stanzas all be even then towards the end the changed. That really added a depth to this piece, made the reader feel the desperation as it grew, along with the pain. You're choice of language, is again, excellent. It was easy to picture a man, sitting at a table and in disbelief of what is happening to his love. The metaphor of the darkness being how he feels without his lover close by him is a nice touch. Without his love, there is no light, no hop, nothing left to him.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed.
Closing Comments:Another great poem from you. Keep up the great work my dear!
Emotional Impact:A very whimsical poem that combines wistfulness with a touch of fantasy.
Effectiveness of Form:I got a clear picture of a an older mermaid, sitting by the ocean and brushing her hair. She's lost in thought and just reminiscing about the times past. I had to make an ewww face that he seaweed soup though, doesn't sound like anything I would eat. Then again, I'm not a mermaid. I loved the image of the rainbow and the silver bracelets glinting in the sun.
I would think about maybe using some color for this poem. Which is strange because I usually hate color in works, but I think it would add a little more to the whole feel of the piece.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I really noticed.
Closing Comments:Thanks for this wonderful poem! Keep on Writing.
First Impressions:A very interesting, dialog only argument between a married couple. An agrument that happens every day in almost every household.
What I Liked:The realness of the situation. I could just picture your average couple sitting down at a table and arguing about such a trivial thing. Yet, it's blown way out of proportion, like most arguments tend to be. The characters are realistic, even though we don't get a picture of them nor where exactly they are. We find all the emotion in what they are saying and how they are saying it. The reader is left to draw their own conclusions, and whose side they agree with.
Suggestions:This was an interesting piece written the way it was. I woulnd't change anything.
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:There were a few grammatical errors that I spotted.
"I don't have time for this nonsense of me paying the bill when it's you who's using up our minutes and going over all the time." I would get rid of 'going over all the time'. Using up all the minutes explains things enough.
"Listen, you can say all you want but I'm not going to change my mind." I'm a little confused with your word choice on 'say'. I think a differint word like argue or something like that.
"I still will not ever pay the phone bill that is yours to pay not mine." This is a little confusing. I would consider rewriting it to say something like I won't pay the phone bill since you make most of the calls. Or something like that.
An interesting story, that with a few changes, could be great!
Emotional Impact:A very cute, and heartwarming piece that brings back memories of my favorite doll that I dragged everywhere.
Effectiveness of Form:This poem was incredibly sweet, telling of a day with a young child and their favorite teddy bear, named Fred. That got a laugh out of me because my family has a strange tradition of naming inanimate object Fred, in jest. Also we name then Herman and George, not sure why though. I loved how you always included Fred, but it was as an almost afterthought. Yet everything that happened to the child, his faithful toy was there also. Like I said above, it reminds me of my favorite doll, and a Santa Bear that I wouldn't go anywhere without. A perfect way to capture the innocence and love that a child has in abundance.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed, as always brilliantly done.
Closing Comments:Another terrific poem for you my dear. Thanks for the great read!
Hello kiysama! I read "One Last Drive" on behalf of Just Because I Want To and I offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:A funny and yet scary poem at the same time. You had to laugh at the main character, but also the circumstances he finds himself in sends a chill down your spine.
Effectiveness of Form:I really liked the whole rhyme schemed you had going on. It added to the humor of the piece, and made it a little less believable. It was like reading a folk tale or hearing your grandparents try to scare you with old ghost stories. The main character was incredibly believable, since he was fashioned to be like most adolescent men, and the girlfriend like most adolescent women. The the creepy part really gets to you because you are laughing and all of the sudden, tje horror comes into play.
Hello kyasama! I read "Justice" on behalf of Just Because I Want To and I offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:A great poem that tell of the horros that the African American movement suffered.
Effectiveness of Form:I really liked how you set this up and you followed the form perfectly. I got this great image of a man who has been killed for the movement where all they were asking for was freedom. And freedom is the right for each and every person, and this poem expresses this. I really liked the way you say that they were cursed with the darker skin, which is it's own burden. It truly is a burden to be different.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed, perfect word choices.
Closing Comments:A very remarkable poem indeed. A tale told of hardships with such few words. Well done!
Hello Lou-Here By His Grace! Thank you for entering you wonderful piece into my contest "LOVE & HEARTACHE" . Sorry this is such a late review, things have spiraled out of control.
Emotional Impact:This truly a poem about love and heartache. Yet there is a laid back approach to this tale, like now that your decision has been made, it makes life a little easier.
Effectiveness of Form:I rather liked the twist of Valentine being a town and also the fact that it is a holiday. There is a great metaphor where Valentines is good and bad. I almost got the feeling it was such a bother that you couldn't get the feeling of haste.
Punctuation and Grammar:I didn't notice anything there.
Emotional Impact:This poem touched a spot deep inside my heart. Since I am a member of the NAI group and am being mentored by an older member, it truly tears me up to see how the Indians were treated. You captured their yearning and confusion from what happened to them.
Effectiveness of Form:This poem is full of emotion. For the Indians plight and the confusion of why things turned out the way they didd. This shows the want for everything to go back to the way there were before the white man came and changed everything. There are many prayers going up for some healing to happen, but so fra ther is no answer. I'm glad that this was a free verse poem, since having any type of a structure would have ruined the whole message. Freedom has been taking away from them, and they wish for it to come back.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed.
Closing Comments:Keep on writing such lovely works!
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I sort of figured that chess was a metaphor for life and how we are all pawns in it. The chessboard was the world, and we were being moved around on someone else's whim. That each piece represented a particular challenge that we had to meet in life. The part about the old men wanting to play it more then anytihig is because their life is almost at an end and they are reliving their past. The ups and downs, and the word eheckmate means that their life is ending soon. Or something like that. LOL Very deep and thought provoking. I loved some of the images like the endless blue sky, all the crashing pawns and flirting queens.
First Impressions:
What I Liked:
Suggestions:
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:
I loved the image of the rainbow and the silver bracelets glinting in the sun.