Hello Geoff ! Here are my thoughts on your piece DUMB DE DUMB GOES THE DRUM as requested by you. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say about your piece.
That being said, here is my review :
"Dumb de dumb goes the drum, dum, dum, dumb de damn, the beat of the drum, dumb, dumb, drum, deep in the doldrum,"
Here you've introduced what is happening - a beating drum and going by the rhythm I formed in my head with this one line, I think it's a tribal drum. Somewhere in Africa, perhaps? I like how you've used variations of "dum" through this line.
"deep deep under the gum tree, wood for the drums, the gooey dumb gum-drops, drip-drip-drip on the head of my doldrumish dream, slick coat of melted gum,"
Again, this reinforces my image that this is taking place in Africa. The man (or men) are beating this drum under a gum tree. The way you use "doldrumish" here suggests that this was for a mournful or sad occasion. Am I right?
"deadening the sound, dead in the doldrums of the conga and the bass, the bonobo bongo and timpanic ear-drum clogged with melted gum, scorched through with fiery sound, burning holes in the grey matter, but what does it matter, beat on the fiery orb with drum-sticks, the fat legs of birds and the branches of trees,
Wonderful imagery in these lines. I especially like the usage of words here that are not the same but are similar in a way. The Congo settled any matter of rhythm in my head and now I'm reading this with a settled pace.
"all that matters is that the grey and white pulp of the orb will be cooled in the quiet doldrums, the cool quiet dumb doldrums will cool the ache, no more beating or pounding, a shriveled mind in a dead case,"
I will not tell you i understand this line entirely - there's a metaphor I'm sure I'm missing here. Somehow this reminds me of a funeral march? From the cooling of the white and grey (the brain, I'm guessing) and the shrivelled mind, I assume the drums are mourning the passing of a man. I could be wrong here, but that is what I understood.
"but finally painless, but wait, a seed falls in the rot, the rot still throbbing with the dreadful beat rocks the seed to life, sprouts reaching for the sky, branches straining through the thick air, needles piercing the eyes of birds and impaling insects as the fat trunk swells and distends,"
Now you talk of life emerging from the earth, from the rot. The drums apparently are helping this process though the said life is destroying those who sheltered under the gum tree.
"spilling its contents, the guts of the spruce, coated in its gum, chew the gum and melt it with your fiery fetid breath, sweeten your breath of a thousand rotten years with the sweet spruce and let the liquid gum drip over the new drum of spruce tree, the fat trunk hollowed with the tusk of the boar,"
Now I believe this is the making of the drum itself. How it's taken years for a tree to grow and then be hollowed out to create the drum. Also explains the wax's involvement in it's creation.
"bored out with the tusks and crumbling bones of the boar, beat on the trunk, beat with your fists, beat with your might, beat out a message to your ancestors, dum, dum, dumb, dumb, beat your drum"
This line left me with that victorious, I-want-to-do-something vibe. It's a powerful, meaningful and deep closing line.
Overall, I really liked this piece. There were no typos or errors I could find. I would love to read more from you.
Thank you for sharing and have a great day!
-TG
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