Hello, this review comes courtesy of the Members Helping Members forum (I posted above you). Now lets get down to the poem:
Grammar: Generally good. You have chosen to write in "prose" grammer form it seems, so you either need to remove the period in the first line or capitalize the beginning of the second line since you are starting a new sentence. Also, in the last line of the third stanza, you have the line of ellipses. This is personal preference, but in most writting an ellipses is made of three dots.
Likes: A good succinct story is within the poem, you guide the reader from start to end.
Possible Improvements: Some of the lines seemed to break the flow a bit. I think in the case of this poem it has to do with the varying syllable count. You hover around 10-12 syllables per line, so if there was a way to stay consistant, the "mind" would reach the rhyme when it felt like it was supposed too.
I would have also like to see a bit more punch in the metaphors instead of the demons, poison, and bitterness. For me, these are used too much.
Overall though, I think it is a strong piece, I hope my nitpicking does not make you think otherwise. Thank you very much for sharing.
I think alot of this poem is very very good. I really like the use of the shoe and how you took it apart and changed the meaning (especially the play on soul, which was fresh here even though it has been done before. Always, all ways was also really cool)
My one concern was with the flow. Some of the lines just don't seem to flow as well as the others. You also had a few odd word choices:
Line 4: "I am a coward full." This inversion doesn't really work for me, and seems to weaken the line.
Line 13-14: " whether your eyes are closed against the whiteness
or useless wide against the darkness." These just seemed clunky to me in there context and led only to muck up what you were saying in the stanza.
There were a couple other spots, but I think if you do an outloud reading of the piece you will be able to tell where the rough spots are.
Overall, very good job!!
-Will, the Wordsmith
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Hello, I saw this on the New Member page (aka read a newbie)and thought I'd drop in for a review.
I really liked a lot of this poem, and I definitely think it is a topic and theme to look more closely at. For me, I really loved the word play in the first two stanzas and I was a little dissapointed when that was mostly abandoned. I think keeping that up through the poem would have offered more consistancy to the flow.
Also, you tackle alot of issues of the new year within this one piece. One suggestion I could give is to write a series of poems on this one topic, each dealing with a different issue (namely the last 3 stanza) and then string them together (perhaps with a I., II., and III.)
Overall though I really liked it, and if you decide to edit it, just let me know and I'd be happy to give it another look.
-Will, the Wordsmith
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I don't know a lot about the forms that a sonnet can take but I enjoyed the way you tackled the subject of a person who is in love with another (who in turn is in love with another haha) My only complaint was that the last two stanzas both started with "but". I just didn't prefer that repitition. I thought your flow overall though was good and all the grammar/spelling/etc. looked good. Yet another good read.
-Will
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I actually really liked the set up of this poem. I love that it can be read as almost two different pieces or read together. For me though, I don't know if it was how far apart they were spaced or something else, I enjoyed them more as seperate complimentary poems then as a single combined one. If in your head you saw them more as a linked poem, perhaps consider making the space between them smaller so the readers eye is made to look where you want it too. Great job, really enjoyed this one.
-Will
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I really liked the subject matter of this poem. Your flow was very good, and I liked the almost detatched tone in which it was written. The first stanza did a wonderful job of painting the picture of gray as well. For me though, I would have liked to see the rest of the poem carry on that meloncholy tone. Even though it is delving into the gray, it wasn't quite gray enough- if that makes sense. Overall though, great job.
-Will
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I thought this was a wonderful tribute to a mother that has clearly meant a lot to you and had a great impact on your life. Your words were very powerful and expressed a lot of love. I do have a few suggestions though.
In line 2: I would change "into" into (haha) "though" or "yet" or another transition.
Line 4: I would end the line after "prepare for" the ending of the line is a little too repititious with using "life" twice in the same line.
Otherwise, I thought it was very good. Great job!
-Will
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I enjoyed this poem alot. Personally, I love the mountains and listening to the little sounds that can be lost in the normal routine of the day. I would have liked some more detail in some spots, and I think there are places where you could use stronger words. Overall though, it is a good piece that really shows what we can miss everyday.
-Will
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I liked your use of color in this piece. I think it really made the message clear. However, I would have liked to see some diversity in the font/color perhaps. Maybe only make the word "grey" grey, or perhaps play with bolding by using it on different words. If you are going to use color on a piece I say go all out with it. Overall, I thought the message was good as well, as was the flow. Good job!
-Will
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I like alot of the emotion that you set up in this poem, it is easy to see that it is a post breakup piece. I think a little more depth would help this poem greatly; be it a few more lines or stronger imagery. For what was there, the flow was handled well and the reader felt close to the action. Also, you need to take a look at you writing tags, as the center and italics didn't work. If you decide to work more on this piece, let me know and I would be happy to take another look.
-Will
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I like the simplicity in the message of the poem. You have summed up the message of God's grace and mercy very well. You might want to take another look at the formating of the poem though. The first three lines are a few spaces left of the rest of the poem. If that is intentional, then please just disregaurd the above comment haha. I think, overall, another stanza or two would make it even better--even though there is something to be said in brevity. Good job, I enjoyed the read.
-Will
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I really enjoyed this poem. I've never had a job quiet like that but you did such a great job of setting the scene and the tone. I would have liked to see a little more about each of the "characters" but I think the approach you took also fits the character of the narrator very well. I don't see any flow issues or punctuation issues although a few commas near the beginning could be useful.
Great job!
-Will
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I think as a poem, this is a good piece (and I certainly understand the disclamer at the bottom haha)as it is a murky line between the two. As poetry, I would have liked a little more detail, more imagery. Really paint the scene-dig deep into the "trash" and show what is there. I thought the flow was good and the format helped tell the story better then just a standard poetic form. Good job.
-Will
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This is a very beautiful and touching poem. The emotions that you have written are ones that I think many people have felt...ones that many people have never gotten over.
The only things I can suggest to better this poem, is perhaps some punctuation to help set the flow exactly how you want it, and also in the final stanza you have an "i" that should be and "I".
Overall though, great job.
-Will
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I think that this piece has a lot of potential, and that the base you have is actually quite good. However, I do think that to truly shine you should let us in on more of the story. Tell us about the girl, how do you see her, how does she see you, or does she even see you?
Bye adding this you can paint the reader a better picture and really bring more life into the poem. Right now for me, it is just a little incomplete.
Favorite line(s):
"Cords tangled in multiple thoughts,
The knots rushing up to block the air,"
Overall, good job, and if you decide to add, please let me know and I'll be happy to come by for another look.
-Will
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While sometimes minimalistic poetry can read much more profoundly than a poem packed with images, I think this poem could have really benefitted from a few more. While I am sure that you knew what this means in your head, the reader is mostly left in the dark about what you "want". I would perhaps recommend going back and fleshing out this piece, becuase this subject matter really give the poem a lot of potential.
If you decide to polish it up, let me know and I'd be glad to give it another look.
-Will
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You should do the very opposite of scrapping this one.....which...well...hmmm I guess would be not scrapping it...
Anyway. I really liked it. If you do go back and work on it, perhaps think about adding too it. In my opinion, it could handle a few more stanzas very well.
I would also add to this line, perhaps letting it read:
"After (such a terrible) storm" The () being what I added. I think that something like this would help the flow of that stanza.
I really liked the emotion here and the strength that you gave the character. Great job.
All the best
-Will
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I saw this on the New Members page and dropped in to take a look. Overall, I think it is a very good poem, I especially liked the "twist" at the end. The only thing I would add is a little more punctuation at the beginning to really direct the reader to what you are emphasizing and also to slow them down.
Best Wishes,
-Will
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Hello, welcome to WDC. I saw this on the new members page and thought I would stop in. I like how you set up the difference between the situation they were in and their mood towards it, however I would have liked to have seen it explained a bit better. It was a little confusing at first glance.
Also, some punctuation would really help the flow of this piece. A few commas and periods would really allow the readers to read it how you envisioned.
Overall though, very good job.
-Will
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I saw that you were a new member and thought I would stop in for a review. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem. Your words were light and the flow was great. I really loved the imagery that you used by naming all of the different flora and fauna that emerge in the spring. I can't really find anything to fault or suggest except, I would have loved a few more stanzas, it was simply over too soon. Great job.
Best Wishes,
-Will
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Hi, saw your plug on the New Members page and thought I'd stop in and give a review. The poem has plenty of emotion, I can feel the longing from the words that you chose. However, I really think that you could do a lot more with this. A poem about longing could be filled with imagery--what is happening in the dreams, how does the real world differ from them, is the love really what it seems? You've hinted on all of these things but have not dived into them. Also, I don't know if this was intentional or not, but the "i" in the 5th line should be capitalized.
I would love to see you rework this poem and really dive into the emotions that you started here. If you do, please let me know and I would be glad to take another look.
All the best,
-Will
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Very good emotion in this piece. The message is deep as well as timeless. This could apply to any war past and present. I would suggest adding a little more punctuation to make sure the flow is exactly how you want it. For example:
You starve my little daughter-
So that you can feed my son,
Tell him he can be a man,
Soon as he can shoot the gun.
A few other misc. things as well: In the fourth stanza, your rhymed war with war, which seemed a little awkward. Finally, in the second to last line, I would remove the word "even" to help with the flow.
None of this hurt the poem significantly but I think a little polish could really make it shine.
I think you have a really good base of a poem here, but a few structural problems hold it down for me. I think you have a lot of great emotion here, and the moral message fits very well. A couple of things that I think could improve this piece would be:
1) Some more punctuation. A few commas to separate some of the longer lines would help clean up the flow.
For example: "You look at yourself wondering if you did whats right"
Change to: "You look at yourself, wondering....
2) Check your spelling. In the above sentence "whats" should be "what's". Other words you should check are:
12th line: you have a lowercase I
Last line: "ur" should be "your"
3) I mentioned the commas up above, but another route you could take is to separate some of the lines (keeping the punctuation for the flow). This would draw attention to lines that you really want to highlight.
Overall though, I think this really is a good piece. Let me know if you work on it, and I would be glad to take another look.
-Will
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