I have been so busy that I haven't been on the site for a while, and your piece is the first I've reviewed in quite some time. I generally am very picky about my horror stories, being a huge Stephen King fan, and can lose interest quickly. But your writing grabbed me from the first line. I especially liked "I've given up the illusion of time."
You drew me in, made me wonder, and made me want more. Your descriptions made me feel like I was a part of the story, which I envy. I have a problem with description. I tend to rush through my story and use too much dialogue. Anyway, bravo.
I would love to see you expand this, maybe give the victim a little more fight, or talk more about the "assistant" - who she is, where she came from, how she got the job, and also what sort of creature the main character is. These are details that will pull your reader even further into your story.
I love this story! Winter is my favorite season, and I love snow. I live in a state by the ocean, so I don't get to see snow much anymore. I really enjoyed reading about it! It brought back happy memories of sledding with my brothers, and playing in a snow fort with neighborhood kids. Great job! It's a fun story, quick paced, the dialogue is good, and it has a message woven into it about not being selfish. Subtle and classy. Great job.
I loved this story! It reminded me of Clive Barker's puzzle boxes.I've always wanted one. The idea of interconnecting worlds, or realities, or layers of this one...fascinating. And you did an incredible job of describing the movement of the pieces, so that I was easily able to conjure the scene in my mind. Your stories are always riveting, but this one was especially breathtaking. I hope you win the contest!
I saw a couple of typos, which was the only thing that kept me from giving the story 5 stars. Well, that and the fact that I wanted to read more! To see where he finally ended up. Maybe a sequel?
There is {color:blue} areno explanations for mental illness
There was a chittoring {color:blue} chitteringof something
while my mind drown {color:blue} drownedin a sea
This is one of the most beautiful poems I've ever read, and i don't even know if I've ever read the original Keats or seen the painting. But the passion and the tenderness are so luminous that I nearly had tears in my eyes. That doesn't usually happen to me. I'm not a "mushy" poem type person. Usually I shy away from love poems, but this one transcended all that. Fantastic job. Wow.
This story had me riveted from the beginning. The guy starts off like a nice, normal, boring suburbanite, then starts to change, like maybe he's figuring out there's more to life than marriage and family...if he can only find it. It's not in his writing. Nothing's in his writing...till he finds his muse and steals his words from her. I kept waiting for him to show up at home with that piercing. I was sure his wife was going to throw him in the loony bin. I like your ending better
It's so creepy, how you've covered his insanity with such a thin film of normality, and how you strip it away as he strips her flesh from her body. I've got shivers. It's scary because any man (or woman) could snap in just the same way. Great stuff. Really makes a person think about their motives for doing things, and where their ideas come from.
I used to have two birds, white-capped pionus's. They only knew one or two words, but they used them to their advantage as often as possible. Any change in their environment was met with righteous indigation in the form of eardrum shattering shrieks. So I can totally relate to this story. It's also well-written, entertaining, and FUNNY. Even when I watch stand up comedians on tv, while I enjoy them, I rarely laugh out loud. I giggled continuously throughout this reading. Thank you for waking me up this morning. Keep up the good work!
Doctor Higgins’s baldhead should be a space between "bald" and "head"
He hated this—hated having to raise a child that had no more sense than a common animal, weaseling her way into the walls of the house like an attic rat. He knew, after everything was said and done, she would get the house. At least that would be something. {color:lblue}This paragraph is confusing to me...he hates having to raise her, seems to utterly despise her, but is glad that she'll get the house? Shouldn't he be thinking of how he can avoid that?
How does anyone find out that her father killed himself? She doesn't seem to possess enough wit to know to call a doctor or the authorities, and it seems like she would probably have been put away somewhere, or something...
Even though the sun had already began {color:lblue}begun to lighten the sky
she posed {color:lblue}poised the needles just above her eyes.
{color:lblue}I love the way you end this - it builds up as if everything is resolved, and she can finally rest in peace, but she seems to have other ideas. This story was so engrossing, so riveting, that I actually read it through twice. Outstanding work. I think this is the best one you've written so far. Caroline, despite her obvious insanity, is a pathetic creature that you just have to root for. Even though she did wrong, you feel her elation as she takes her revenge, and you cheer it. Creepy stuff.
I've read a few stories where the characters somehow come to life, but I love your original take on it, where the characters don't (i)want(/i) to come to life. It also gives fellow writers who may be stuck writing fan fiction hope that they can write something of their own rather than borrowing from others. Plus, I love Lord of the Rings, so it was fun to imagine Gandalf talking to this poor guy, trying to get him to give up his project.
I also enjoyed the subtle humor of the situation. You wove it into the story very well. And of course, being such a fan, I have to wonder which fell beast came after him in the end, to drive the point home. You left me hanging, but in a good way.
I enjoyed the story very much! Keep up the good work.
This is a charming little "tail." It has a very slow, sad pace to it, dreaming of days gone by, but the message woven throughout, not to judge a book by its cover, and to never stop believing is beautiful in its subtlety. A lovely story. It was a pleasure to read it. I love the bit at the end, as if this is just one of many tales the Head Historian will be telling. The promise of things to come!
I LOVE the image you created of Death riding a bicycle. Absolutely hysterical. It takes a lot to make me laugh, but this one had me laughing out loud. Good job. I enjoyed the conversational tone of the piece. It really gives the reader a feel for the personality of the main character. I wonder if you've thought of making this into a book or series, or even just a longer story? I believe it would be worth it!
I really enjoyed reading this. It's been a while since I've come across an honest-to-goodness ghost story. I love how you made the night seem like a living, hungry entity. I broke out in goosebumps as Todd realized he was standing with his back to the window, and then when he and Ralph went to look inside and saw something moving...I kept expected Ralph to start laughing, as if he were playing a joke on Todd and had gotten someone to stay inside the house and mess with him, so when Ralph was grabbed, it was like a double shock. Way to build the tension! As always, your story is excellently written, well thought out, evenly paced, exciting, descriptive...outstanding! I do have a few suggestions, if you don't mind.
I glance at the house. It looked haunted. “Sorry, but I don’t believe in any of that crap?” {color:blue}Period there, not question mark
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Then he took their heads and placed them out on the porch like a bunch of jack-o-lanterns.” {color:blue}I think "put" would be better than "placed." "Placed" is too formal for a young guy trying to sound tough.
Some place, huh?” Ralph said.
Yeah.” {color:blue}You need beginning quotation marks on both these lines. Gotta love formatting, right?
Keep up the great work! And congrats on being featured in the Horror Newsletter. You deserve it!
I loved the title, and I loved the whole concept. It's really hard to come up with an original idea for a spooky story, but I think you've done a great job! You've also paved the way for a whole series of stories - or possibly even a book. I'd sure read it! You've got a great writing style. It really draws the reader in and keeps the story moving along. Dialogue was believable, and didn't drag anywhere. The fact that they were seriously discussing the features of this hotel while slightly...well you know...adds a subtle undercurrent of humor that really gives the story credibility. I enjoyed the read! I just wish there were more about what she found when she turned the corner, and what happened to her. Otherwise, great job!
This is a fantastic reference guide for those of us who may be a bit grammatically challenged. It's organized, thorough, easy to navigate and so so so simple to understand! Outstanding work. I'm making it a favorite so I can refer to it again and again! You should put this in a book and publish it. It certainly makes more sense than some of those books out there, that get so technical the reader gets lost trying to figure out what the heck they're talking about!
This is a wonderfully written, informative, helpful article. I want to give better, more detailed reviews, to help others improve their work, and also to help improve my own writing. I can review something, and tell the writer my overall impressions, but I have trouble articulating specific details. This helps a lot! Great work. I hope someday that my writing is this clear and intelligent.
This is the coolest story I've read in a while. You've created an epic love story with just a few short words. The reader instantly cares about the characters - Karen's cynicism seems endearing; Michael's quiet confidence in his reading makes the reader believe absolutely what he's told Karen. Then, she touches two lives, bringing two hearts together without even realizing what she's doing until she reads the paper (my only problem is when you say Michael's reading never enters her mind again...if she's sees pictures of these people in the paper, and reads about their "dreams" coming true, I think it would probably trigger the memory of that reading, and at least make her wonder...could she be responsible for their match? Wouldn't that be nice!)
I'd love to see this expanded if you ever had the time, to see what other dreams she can fulfill, you know? Keep up the great work!
I love the idea of snow faeries - two of my favorite things! You've created some wonderful, fun, whimsical creatures, yet you also seem to show the reader that they may not be as sweet and innocent as they appear. (with a rush of breath and a cold bite to the face)-love this line!
I've made a few suggestions, only because I think with a little work, this could be a really outstanding poem. I enjoyed reading it!
deep green eyes from beneath do stare
beneath those eyes she is no longer there
This is a bit awkward. from beneath what? her bangs? her brows? The repetition of the word beneath is distracting too. Perhaps if you said something like "deep green eyes have an empty stare/because her spirit is no longer there" or something like that.
She hears each snowflake as it hits the ground
a crystal clink as it locks to its neighbours near
soft voices call from all around
from just out of sight, but so very near.
The second line in this stanza seems like it's too wordy, or has too many syllables, and the near/near rhyme doesn't quite catch
With a rush of breath and a cold bite to the face
her spirit returns to its mortal place
her heart beats loud in the now silent air
her eyes lids flutter, she is now there
In this last stanza, you've switched the rhyme scheme from abab to aabb, and it throws the whole rhythm of the poem off.
Hope these help in some way. Keep up the good work!
This is a great way to introduce yourself to writers who may not have read your work, and to thank all the reviewers out there who read your stories and review them, truly wanting to help you learn and grow. I believe that this site helps you develop the thick skin you need as a writer, by learning to use the positive and negative comments to improve your piece. You make some excellent points. I certainly agree that everyone should learn, if nothing else, how to use a spell checker! If you're going to take the time to write it down, for everyone else to read, at least do us the courtesy of caring about your presentation, right?
On the technical side, I don't think you rambled at all in this little piece, so great job there.
I loved "With the third type of reviewer, we all can recognize the smell of decomposing troll." Fantastic imagery, and very apropos!
My eagle eye did notice a couple of boo-boos if you'd like to correct them
Most of (have) been positive
One of the most valuable words of priceless wisdom I can give you're not really introducing just one word of wisdom, so it might make a little more sense, (and a little more impact) if you say "The most priceless wisdom I can give"
really gives the reader an interesting look inside what a person might be thinking as they stare into the mirror, wondering who is staring back at them. I love the fact that you brought in some background on the girl, making her more real, more human. Great job.
The almost rhyming gives the poem a great rhythm. Don't know if you intended it to or not, but good work anyway!
very interesting. definitely says, "don't judge a book by its cover." just because she looks sweet and pretty on the outside doesn't mean she can't be evil on the inside. great job! love your interpretation of the pic. Good luck!
First of all, I have to say, great title. It really grabbed my interest. That's tough to do just with the title. I think you've got a great start here, but I'd love more description of this place "where the reaper never sleeps" Something that really draws the reader into your poem. I need something to grab me and smack me across the face and say, "hey! look at me!" This poem just seems like the calm before the storm. I do like the repetition. It adds an eerie tone to the whole poem.
I love the way you're comparing writing to sculpting and painting. It's true that we create pictures with our words, and they can be just as beautiful as the images a painter or sculptor creates.
The only thing that distracted me was the repetition of "a" at the beginning of the first lines. It felt like you were trying to beat the meaning into my head. Could be just me.
I have to say first of all that I love the end of this!!! Looking forward to someone who can speak clearly - the governor of California!!! "I'll be back"
okay...enough with the silliness. Personally, I was unable to get through the Hitchhiker trilogy. I don't know why. I guess his writing style just does not flip my skirt, you know? But YOUR writing style is wonderful. It's clean, funny, entertaining, and just plain zippy. It's a pleasure to read! Keep up the good work.
take care
rhi
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thebluedream
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 4:24pm on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
