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Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Elisabeth Author Icon and many thanks for sharing your work with me. This review is to 'Support a member' by THE COFFEE SHOP FANTASY SOCIETY. I am by no means a professional editor and all comments and opinions are just a one person perspective that hopefully you will regard as positive and helpful. The most important thing to remember is to always write for yourself and follow your gut instincts. Take from this review what you find helpful and discard the rest. You will notice that I have not included anything in my review about punctuation or grammar as I am still learning the ropes of this myself. This review is solely based on plot, general feel and overall enjoyment.

Setting/Plot- The plot is not made completely clear as of yet but this is only an expcerpt to the story. Our protagonist, Alexis is discovering she may have supernatural abilities. Setting, vary from a high school and a school bus, although these are not described in depth within the piece.


Pacing- Very fast, the piece for me is a little abrupt and comes across as slightly stiff. However,this is only an excerpt to what I presume belongs to a longer piece and therefore the pace maybe appropriate? The flow seems to warm-up later as we read on, however.

Description- When added, your description is very good, although for me a little brief and rushed. I see you have talent however and some authors prefer not to go in depth in regards to character setting/surround and appearance.

Characterisation- I thought you conveyed Alexis' concern for her brother very well, their relationship is convincing and the paragraph within this chapter regarding their mother, I feel is the most informative and rich of the whole piece. To me, it shows that with some work, all this piece could be just as engrossing. You background description on Alexis as a whole is very good and helps the reader connect with her.

Favourite Passages-

'Scowling angrily, she stomped over to him and grabbed his backpack, yanking him up off the stairs.'- Good description of body language here.

'Alexis felt time slow, whether in reality or her own mind. She reached to embrace her brother as adrenaline flooded her veins. She waited, stomach in her throat, for the impact.'- Well conveyed, I saw and understood this whole paragraph clearly.

'The gravel was suspended in the air, the bus was tilted and falling. Yet, it wasn't falling. Standing up, she looked at the driver and saw his face frozen in fear, the wheel gripped tightly in his hands.'-Again, nice description.


Tweaks and improvements- I know this is an excerpt and probably a work still a work in progress and what I say my just be a personal preference in regards to reading. You prose come across as a little list-like and abrupt eg:'I won't be needing this anymore, she thought, relieved. She folded the paper and put it in her pocket. She stared at her empty locker for a moment, when the hair on the back of her neck suddenly stood on end.'
I feel these could be smoothed out rather than 'she did this. She did that.' a rough example of what I mean is:
'I won't be needing this anymore, Alexis thought, folding the paper and putting it into her pocket. She stared...'

'Alexis would always give the same reply.'- You never tell the reader what the reply was and just tell them the situation. It may be worth giving a reply or taking this sentence out all together. For me as a reader, I wanted a to know what she 'always' replied and when know explanation came, I was a bit peeved.

Overall Conclusion- I liked the idea of this piece but for me personally it lacked a little depth and felt a little rushed. The skeleton of the story was there and I see your talent but I feel more meat needs to be added to the bones of this story. I certainly feel you need to look at your first few paragraphs. Your background story and relationship your protagonist has with her brother is very convincing but the rest of your prose lacked a little substance and rushed a head without divulging much information to the reader and this, for me anyway, made it hard to submerge myself within the story. All it needs is for you to slow the pace, add more description/setting and such and this would be an interesting piece. You provide the reader mystery and I really like the hook of the 'mystery man' who appears in through-out the story. I like where you going with it, so don't give up and I must say I am intrigued to see where your story leads.

Many thanks for sharing you work, and here is little quote that I think all writers should remember:

‘If you can imagine it, then you can create it. If you can dream it, then you can become it.’- William Arthur Ward.

Tigerlilystar.
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Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hello RisanF Author Icon and many thanks for sharing your work with me. I saw your review on:
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#1696536 by Not Available.
I am by no means a professional editor and all comments and opinions are just a one person perspective that hopefully you will regard as positive and helpful. The most important thing to remember is to always write for yourself and follow your gut instincts. Take from this review what you find helpful and cast-out the rest. You will notice that I have not included anything in my review about punctuation or grammar as I am still learning the ropes of this myself. This review is solely based on plot, general feel and overall enjoyment.


Setting/Plot- We follow the protagonist Andrew, who is partnered in an assignment with the nerdiest girl in school.



Pacing- Nice, steady flow that was well executed, your descriptions are so full and vivid that this slows it occasionally but not in a negative way that makes the piece boring or less enjoyable. There is also the odd sentence here and there that disrupts the flow, nothing major but consider taking a look at them. However, it was good overall and you have a distinctive authors voice that quick and ironic.

Description- The is some beautiful imagery and description within this piece. Your wording and conjuring of imagery is superb and almost holds a magical, fairy-tale element. From the off-set this was evident in this piece. I like your unique take on looking at things, the description you use in this piece is both vivid and creative. You also handle conveying body language well and truly made me see your world.

Characterisation- Again, like your description. I saw you characters well. Description and characterisation, to me comes hand in hand making it none surprising that this piece is not only rich with character descriptions but also their personalities.

Favourite Passages- There are many but here are a few.

'On the outskirts of town, atop some small hills, the modest campus of Starlight Jr. High inched its way into the valley like a centipede.'- An example of your lovely description.

' Andrew Champion picked with disinterest at a chewed eraser, pulling at the rubbery nub until it threatened to tear off from the rest of his pencil.'- I loved not only this but the paragraph that followed. You conveyed Colin's attitude so well.

'Andy found a dark and very menacing figure above him, pressing into him a sensation not unlike the fear of God.'-again, brilliant.

'At this, about a dozen spitballs and crumpled per wads made their way towards the girl, testament to the highly bored and volatile class.'

'"W-what?" he stammered, lurching away from the girl as if she had bubonic plague.'

'Andy watched with relief as the school sank into the distance, falling behind the hills like a sinking city.'

Tweaks and improvements-

'over his head like a stream over so many stones.' I feel this could be condensed to 'like a stream over stones', 'so many' I feel isn't needed within this sentence, almost too much.

'away from his mangled writing tool over to the clock,'- the word 'and' is missing here 'and over to..'

'A few students let out some light titters, whether it was because of Andy's humiliation or the teacher's comment, it was unsure.'- to me this sentence reads a little awkward, I naturally wanted 'was unclear' at the end.

'As such, it flew completely over his head.'- who's head? Andy or the teachers. I presume Andy but for a second I was confused.

'Opening said door, he then deftly stepped to his left. '- this sentence need looking at, it doesn't quite make-sense.

'Andy, picking up a big, smelly burrito to jam into his toothy maw.'- consider ' picking up a big, smelly burrito and jamming it into his toothy maw'


Overall Conclusion- I really, really enjoyed this piece. Your description and imagery was some of the best I have read on WDC. I was totally sucked into your world and saw everything vividly. You lace the piece with light humour and your words flow with ease and irony. I would love to award this story a 5 star but it needs a little polishing here and there. Not much but some editing and proof-reading is needed and then this will be an awesome story. I see you have a blistering talent, so keep tweaking, keep writing and I'll certainly be visiting the next chapter of this story.




Many Thanks,

Tigerlilystar.
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Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello and many thanks for sharing your work with me. I am by no means a professional editor and all comments and opinions are just a one person perspective that hopefully you will regard as positive and helpful. The most important thing to remember is to always write for yourself and follow your gut instincts. Take from this review what you find helpful and cast-out the rest. You will notice that I have not included anything in my review about punctuation or grammar as I am still learning the ropes of this myself. This review is solely based on plot, general feel and overall enjoyment.


Setting/Plot- The piece is set in Tokyo. I don't want to give too much away to potential readers, so all I will say is that your plot and setting as a whole was very interesting.



Pacing- Good, although I times I felt the over-complication of some sentences disrupted the flow.



Description- Nicely done, fresh and evocative. This piece was potent and provocative. You certainly have talent for gritty prose and graphic imagery. Occasionally your words are almost poetic then at other moments brutal in conviction, this shift piece more exciting and interesting to me somehow. However some sentences I found unnecessary and slightly inflated. This, however, did ruin my overall enjoyment of the story.


Characterisation- Your protagonist in the piece was interesting and unusual. You describe his thoughts and feeling well.


Favourite Passages-
' It was covered in ants, but their tiny mandibles somehow failed to tear little bits back to their insatiable broods.'

'n a darkened room full of awkward shadows and a few reflective surfaces, in a small circle of lamplight the man sits, looking at a fetus glowing impossibly white, its tiny lips parted, an undiscovered ant wandering the darkness inside, in the caesura that death bears.'


Tweaks and improvements- It was every well written, occasionally I found the prose became a little over-complicated at times but this is only a personal opinion. An example of this is:

'That wasn’t rational. Did such events manifest themselves often enough from the firmament of the roiling cosmos that the authorities would have procedures established to guide their steps'

There are a few examples like this throughout the piece, especially when your protagonist is questioning himself and the situation he is in, I found these particular parts rather odd and confusing.

Overall Conclusion- I liked this story. You clearly have a great grasp of language and also a brilliant imagination. I thought your story was interesting and unique. I must admit some elements of the story I found confused and eluded me but I enjoyed the read none the less. I found the ending of this piece a very nice and a wonderful conclusion to an interesting story.


Many Thanks and happy writing.

Tigerlilystar.

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Review of Aftermath intro  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello and many thanks for sharing your work with me. I am by no means a professional editor and all comments and opinions are just a one person perspective that hopefully you will regard as positive and helpful. The most important thing to remember is to always write for yourself and follow your gut instincts. Take from this review what you find helpful and cast-out the rest. You will notice that I have not included anything in my review about punctuation or grammar as I am still learning the ropes of this myself. This review is solely based on plot, general feel and overall enjoyment.


Setting/Plot- What the reader presumes to be the ultimate evil is destroying the world.



Pacing- Fast-paced and easy to read, perhaps slowing the pace down a little and adding more description would aid the prose, make it fuller and richer. It is fine the way it is, however seems a little rushed. This piece has so much potential and you could really go into depth and set the scene.



Description- The are some beautiful sentences in your piece but not too much in the way of description as I have already suggested adding more description would really add meat to the bones of the this story and make it a richer, more engrossing read.



Characterisation- Again, this is another area that I feel needs to be developed, I know that this is an intro to a larger story but this intro feels a little rushed, as though you were eager to move on to the 'main-body' of the piece. As I have already said, you have so much scope...give us visuals of demons, the havoc your protagonist has created. Show us what the plagues and ice-storms have done to the Earth. I feel this would make your piece and prose richer.



Favourite Passages-

'Dust seemed to be all that was left in their world.'-a very potent sentence.

'He was tired of playing games with the human race, he was ready to just dispose of it.'

'...he almost missed the glimmer of life nagging at the edge of his senses'

Tweaks and improvements-

'Reviling in his victory' I'm not sure 'revile' in this context is the right word. Revile means to speak abusively to someone. I think that perhaps the word 'revel' is more apt for this sentence.

'hidden and protected by HIM.'- the word 'him' would be better expressed using italics.

I am still learning the ropes myself but noted the odd missing comma and hyphen here and there, these things are easily corrected and something I'm sure you spot with time and proof-reading. It did not take anything away from the overall enjoyment but I thought I would point it out.


Overall Conclusion- I liked this piece and I have to say I'm intrigued to discover more. With a little polishing, adding and tweaking, this would be a brilliant and interesting story. I certainly like the idea and where you are going with it. There are some beautiful sentences that are almost poetic in this piece, yet I felt as a whole that the prose were a little rushed. If they are slowed down and added to this would be a superb start to a story. As I have already said it glitters with potential.


Many Thanks and good luck with the piece.

Tigerlilystar.

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Review of Diamonds and Dust  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello and many thanks for sharing your work with me. I am by no means a professional editor and all comments and opinions are just a one person perspective that hopefully you will regard as positive and helpful. The most important thing to remember is to always write for yourself and follow your gut instincts. Take from this review what you find helpful and cast-out the rest. You will notice that I have not included anything in my review about punctuation or grammar as I am still learning the ropes of this myself. This review is solely based on plot, general feel and overall enjoyment.


Setting and Plot- A bedroom. A young boy is being told a bedtime story by his father.



Pacing- Nice, slow and steady prose that are easy to digest and appropriate for the story. I noticed the odd bump and scratch along the way but these occasional sentences read fine and I feel perhaps the turn of phrases that to me disrupted the flow were simply my personal preference of improvement.



Description- Appropriate and well placed, not overly descriptive but what description it has fits well with the story. The piece is more dialogue based and philosophical.



Characterisation- The emperor is well characterised in this piece, as a reader we get a great visual description. The setting and scene is also set very well.



Favourite Passages-

'Scars whisper the history of his life; a history Ethan's mind has yet to discover.'

'The Emperor rises to his feet and makes his way to the other end of the room, his steps staggered in an attempt to protect his weakened knee.'



Tweaks and improvements-
'The adults of the village did not know of his gang until they were already quite powerful, a majority of the village youth willing to fight for him.' - consider placing the word 'were' before 'willing' to make it read better.

'The only time he allowed that was to set examples out of the villagers...'- This sentence is fine but for some reason, reads a little strained. Perhaps consider 'make examples of' or 'was when he set out examples...'

'Ethan, thoroughly engaged in his father's words, slips questions in every time an edgewise moment presents itself.'- be careful not to slip from past to present text, I have a naughty habit of doing this also- :)



Overall Conclusion- I liked this piece, your beginning paragraph is great at hooking the reader and drawing them into your story. I thought the relationship between father and son was well portrayed and very convincing. The pace itself was perhaps little slow for my personal taste but very apt for the story. It read almost like the beginning of a novel as oppose to a short story. However, it was very well written and a unique tale none the less.



Many Thanks and keep up the good work,

Tigerlilystar.

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Review of The Home Visit  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello and many thanks for sharing your work with me. I am by no means a professional editor and all comments and opinions are just a one person perspective that hopefully you will regard as positive and helpful. The most important thing to remember is to always write for yourself and follow your gut instincts. You will notice that I have not included anything in my review about punctuation or grammar as I am still learning the ropes of this myself. This review is solely based on plot, general feel and overall enjoyment.


Setting- An apartment.



Pacing- Again, wonderfully crisp, well executed and snappy. Your prose are solid and brazen. I adore them!



Description- Brilliant, you are a great conjurer of image!



Characterisation- You set the scene perfectly in this piece. This is a flash fiction piece, so obviously you can not go to far in depth what words you put into place, you do it extremely well.



Favourite Passages-

'They stood as she entered, appraising her with dark, murderous eyes.'



Tweaks and improvements- None that I can see.



Overall Conclusion- Another well-written, delicious piece of flash-fiction. Your ending was sinister, gruesome and compelling. Well done.


Many Thanks for displaying your talent!

Tigerlilystar.

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Review of The Penthouse  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello and many thanks for sharing your work with me. I am by no means a professional editor and all comments and opinions are just a one person perspective that hopefully you will regard as positive and helpful. The most important thing to remember is to always write for yourself and follow your gut instincts. You will notice that I have not included anything in my review about punctuation or grammar as I am still learning the ropes of this myself. This review is solely based on plot, general feel and overall enjoyment.


Setting- New York City.



Pacing- Neck-breaking and utterly absorbing.



Description- Again, this is truly your gift. Whatever emotion your play at you seem to do it blisteringly well. This piece is busting with suspense and even though it is only a flash piece, well described.This piece is sinister and gripping despite its shortness.



Characterisation- This is a piece of short, flash fiction that is very well written and obviously can not go into too much depth due to the required word limit. However, this piece is gripping through-out and well worth the read.



Favourite Passages-

'They emerged without warning, swarming up from the sewers, pouring out of the subway tunnels, and bursting out of basement doors.'

' They've gotten inside the walls. You can hear them scratching when you put your ear to one.'



Tweaks and improvements- Again nothing.




Overall Conclusion- Again, another great piece that high-lights you immense talent. This short piece of flash could easily be developed into a short story or novel if you wished. Your a super-nova of talent. Please keep up the fantastic work!


Many Thanks,

Tigerlilystar.

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Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello and many thanks for sharing your work with me. I am by no means a professional editor and all comments and opinions are just a one person perspective that hopefully you will regard as positive and helpful. The most important thing to remember is to always write for yourself and follow your gut instincts. You will notice that I have not included anything in my review about punctuation or grammar as I am still learning the ropes of this myself.


Setting- Basement bedroom, full of gadgets gizmos and disarray. It sets the scene for this piece perfectly.



Pacing- Quick, sharp and ironic.



Description- This piece is fast-paced, sharp and bursting with humour from the off-set. I love the character interaction and as a reader feel their excitement from the get-go!



Characterisation- Again one of your finest talents. I love the funny, quirky contrast of the brothers. They are certainly unique and scream out 'comedy duo' to the reader.



Favourite Passages- There was again many, but here are a few:

'He sighed explosively and lurched out of his chair and knelt down in front of the short fridge like a worshipper at the idol of the caffeine gods, and tried again to find his soda. It didn’t help. The liquid caffeine just wasn’t there.'- made me chuckle.

'His older brother was at a desk at the far end of the basement room they called the office (in Mother-speak, the high-tech god-forsaken pit of deepest hell).'- again another funny sentence, you have a great way with words.

'the mic was in front of his mouth, picking up the sounds of his eating and the occasional belch.'

'Woot’s conscious mind kidney punched the miscreant and shoved him back into the darkness at the back of the mind.'


Tweaks and improvements- I noticed a few grammatical errors, such as misplaced commas but they were few and far between that I'm sure would be unearthed with proof-reading.



Overall Conclusion- Another well-written, enjoyable piece. After reviewing much of your work in short bursts, I am truly humbled by your varying talent and ever-shifting authors voice. This piece was hilarious and moved at neck-breaking speed. Well done, I thoroughly enjoyed it and would definitely read more of these brothers antics.

Many Thanks,

Tigerlilystar.

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for entry "Prologue" Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello and many thanks for sharing your work with me. I am by no means a professional editor and all comments and opinions are just a one person perspective that hopefully you will regard as positive and helpful. The most important thing to remember is to always write for yourself and follow your gut instincts. You will notice that I have not included anything in my review about punctuation or grammar as I am still learning the ropes of this myself.


Setting- Avalon, the world of elves and magic.



Pacing- Fast and furious and very well written. I found myself immediately engrossed and carried along nicely in the tale.



Description- Beautiful description from the out-set. You conjure a great image and I almost felt as if I was there, in your world. It had a beautiful, magical quality.



Characterisation- Brilliant character description throughout this piece. I love your description of each elf, the wine and the setting. You leave an air of mystery in regards to your main character Kat, which is excellent as I can not wait to discover more about her.


Favourite Passages- There are many in this piece, I found your way with words delicious but here are a few:

'the pavilion was placed just off the edge of a dancing green, just in the edge of the trees where they could enjoy the warm breeze in the tree leaves and a gentle shade.'

'Like everything here in Avalon, the wine seemed to give off a faint light and rich color of its own.'

'It tasted like honey and felt like liquid sunshine.'



Tweaks and improvements- None that I could see, this piece was perfect in my opinion.



Overall Conclusion- I loved this piece! This prologue acted as a great tasted and I was eager to continue the read. I love the concept of a mortal entering into a magical world and viewing it through her eyes. You manage to snare the reader with intrigue and beautifully orchestrated prose. I am eager to discover what the Queen has in mind for you protagonist? You also manage to lace this short piece with hints of romance and humour. Brilliant work and I can not wait to see more of this piece!


Many Thanks,

Tigerlilystar.

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Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Sphere,
I write comments and thoughts as I go, so bare with me if this review is a little haphazard, its just the best way I've found so far :).
First of all great opening scene. Your use of description conjures a dark, intriguing scene and encourages me as a reader more.

'A cold wind sweeps through The City, rattling windows, rustling leaves, and chasing long forgotten piles of trash down the shoddily cobbled streets. Dark clouds hover overhead, obstructing the light from the moon and hiding the jagged mountain peaks that surround The City from view.'- great paragraph, the only thing to consider and its a small one, is that maybe change 'from the moon' to 'of the moon.'- for some reason it is what I automatically wanted to read?

'A small group of young men passes by, their laughter echoing off of the stone buildings and their general lack of coordination suggesting that they have spent the evening drinking away their pay.'- be wary of slipping from 1st to 3rd person, I have a naughty habit of doing this too. Its an easy thing to correct however, and takes nothing away from your fantastic use of evoking an image.

'...after the branding I fled to the far East, to the land of spice and sensuality,'- Just beautiful, you truly have a talent for weaving words!

'No one knows what the creatures that make up The Squad are or where they come from- only that they can shift into any form they wish and that they cannot be harmed by any mortal weapon. They ride upon steeds of wind and water, and cannot be stopped by any physical barrier; they bear the Runes of the Forsaken and do not yield to any form of magic. Their weapons are purely elemental and are feared by even the greatest wizards and warriors of the land- even Set, considered to be the most skilled Battle Mage of our time, has been known to flee an area in terror when it becomes clear The Squad is nearby.' Another fantastic, informative sentence that high-lights your brilliant skill as a writer.

Overall I really enjoyed this piece and will definitely look in your port for the next instalment. It has a urban, dark feel which is my particular favourite form of fantasy. It is a unique start to this genre and your protagonist, so far is very intriguing and I truly can not wait to find out more. The only suggestions I would have to improve the piece is the shift from first to third person and be careful not to repeat description such as the phrase 'on there merry way', as this down plays what is a very talented gift for description. Other than that, with a bit of tweaking this will be a fantastic, unusual piece. Well done and thank you for sharing.

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Review of Light in the dark  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Azrael,
First of all I'd like to say that I really liked this piece. The story was intriguing and made me want to find out more. I know that this is only a little starter piece but I felt that it required a little more description to enhance the reader's involvement with drake. You started off with a great description at the start of the piece but it trailed and we learn more about your characters food habits rather than the setting eg, where did he live? What was his house like, spooky, modern? This would give insights to the character and mood you want to set for your piece. We never get an explanation as to where drake was feeling so nervous as he drove home? I say this but I also loved your easy flow, your starting paragraph was brilliant. I also loved this particular line:

'Somewhere between the joy and anxiety I dozed off…'

I could see no typo's or grammatical errors but expert on this and still learning the ropes myself. I liked this piece but just feel it needs some meat adding to the bones. I know its unfinished, so I'll look forward to reading the completed work because you have talent.

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Review of Better Than Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi rrdkl,
I know this is a work in progress but I think this poem has great potential, your have a talent for description as it is evident in this piece. I especially like your second stanza. However, on reading it out loud the flow appears a little awkward as some stanza's rhyme and then single sentences don't and seem to ruin the tone. To make this piece a bit more potent either stick with the rhyme or loss it completely. This is just a suggestion and you don't have to go with it, however.Regardless, I still thought the piece was good and would like to re-read it once it is entirely finished.
Thanks for sharing.

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13
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Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lycra,
First off all I'd like to say how much I liked this poem, it was very well written and I found the subject topic unique. A great take of a winter poem and you managed to conjure a nostalgic image. Overall well done and thank you for sharing.

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Review of Him.  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Beth,
An interesting poem with a genuine, emotional tone as you read it. It is clearly a personal poem, cryptic that intrigues the reader. There is a potency to the words. I particularly like your line:

'look at how many times I've said 'I' so far. '

for some reason it struck me.

Overall a well written poem with no grammatical errors as far as I could see. It's funny because I have a poem of the same title :)

Thanks for sharing and well done.

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15
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Review of Temptress  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Witchy,
I really enjoyed this poem, it was very powerful, raw and I could almost feel your protagonists anger. This would be a great development for a short story or novel. I could see no grammatical errors. Well done and keep sharing.

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16
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Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Lee and welcome first of all to WDC,
I really liked the aspects and individuality of the poem. It has a good flow and natural rhythm. I particular like some of your sentences they stick out and overall this poem has a quirky, funky feel which I like. Eg:

'Am I the cold one or the hot one?'
'Am I a loaded gun or hands on the trigger?'

These are sentences are just fantastic, however some of your sentences I can't quite make sense of, I'm not sure if your going for abstract with moments of occasional clarity, as sometimes you use conflicting then contrasting examples eg:

'Am I truly the angel or the Hades queen?'-conflicting.

'Am I that rebel or just the real defiant?'-contrasting.

There is also a typo on the word 'frustrated.'

Anyway, with a few tweaks could propel this poem into a fantastic piece that I would like to re-read. It just needs a bit of proof reading. These are only my opinions and I know poetry is very personal. Remember these are only suggestions and you should write for yourself. I hope what suggestions I've made have been helpful. Good work regardless and I enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work.

Tigerlily




so I'll apologise beforehand over these quotations, if not a few sentences may need looking at and re-wording:

'Am I sick or stuck of all?'
'Will I be killed or rather to suicide myself?'
'Am I that dangerous or too hurt people?'
'Am I starting to disturb you or look for your eyes?'

Also they're are a few sentence that I love but just need the odd tweak.

'Am I your bitch or your slut machines?'- this is only an opinion but machine sounds and reads a little more crisp when read out loud.

'Am I really blind or I just cant see myself?'- need an apostrophe in 'can't'
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Review of Dark Angel  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I truly enjoyed this poem.A great descriptive tale that conjured a brilliant image. Well done and I look forward to reading more of you work. Keep on sharing!

Tigerlily
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Review of Love Vs Lust.  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Author of dreams,
I Liked this piece, it was very thought provoking and although I do not agree with some of what you have written in this work, it had me thinking about the topic. The piece is a little one sided and with a bit more research could be a brilliant argument to some of the downfalls of love in today's society. I agree that marriage is to easy to leave and people walk away without trying. I also agree about how easy it is to abandon children. It is true that marriage is taken far to lightly and seems more an excuse for a good party than the actual vows. However, sex has always been used to make money and been manipulated in some form, as they say prostitution it is one of the oldest trades in the world. Sex is now manipulated in different ways through modern technology. Sex for centuries has been used for just 'pleasure' with no strings such as love attached. Adultery and children born out of wed-lock have always occurred and is unfortunately nothing new. We are after all human and imperfections are not unique. I feel morals have dropped and are less enforced. As I said this piece was an interesting and I respect the points you put forward. Many thanks for sharing this stimulating subject topic.

Tigerlily.
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Review of Concrete Cats  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Greg20 and welcome to WDC,
Well I have to say I really liked this poem. It is dark, abstract and yet very amusing. Its unique piece that's fresh and unconventional as a subject topic. I'll look forward to reading more of your work, as this piece hints at quite an interesting narrator. I could see no bumps and scratches grammatically. Overall a very good job!
Well done, keep up the good work.

Tigerlily.
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Review of WINTRY SKY  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
First of all Welcome to WDC!
A very well written poem that has good use of description. I especially like the semi repetition of the final sentence and how you use it to conjure image. I could see no errors grammatically. So good work and thank you for sharing : )
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Review of Webs  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,
A fun poem and appropriate for the season :). Its fast pasted and punchy in its prose. The only thing I could find wrong with it grammatically is 'shell' in stead of 'she'll'.
A fun piece that I could imagine being chanted by children. With a small bit of tweaking this will be a good piece. Well done and keep sharing!
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Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What a fantastic and well written prologue that certainly has all the elements to make me want to read more. Your description and characterisation is excellent. It is one of the best pieces I have read on WDC and I'll be certainly reading more. You have an excellent flow that was easy to absorb and become engulfed in. I love your attention to detail, one of my favourite lines in particular was:

'.In the flickering light of the torches it seemed black, and the golden traceries on his gauntlets gleamed.'

You were pretty much word perfect throughout in my opinion, so well done and keep up the good work!
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Review of Roses in Heaven  Open in new Window.
Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem gave my chills, as someone who understands this type of grief I found it pretty and emotional. I am no expert on poetry but as a reader, I really felt touched by the honesty. Well done.
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Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Callum,
Okay first of all I'd really like to say how much I enjoyed this piece. I am certainly no expert but I thought is was unique and gritty. I like the dark subject and found it creepy which I think is one the poems objectives. Well done.
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Review by Tigerlilystar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good, fun piece of work. An excellent story for children. How ever more description and more suspense at the door scene would propel the text even more to make it even better. As it is aimed at children more 'he said', 'she said' also needs to be put into the text as this story does appear to be aimed at quite young children and it would help them understand the text better but overall a fun read, Keep up the good work.
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