Hi Winklet, An oldy of yours, "Riverstone Terzanelle" popped up on Read and Review and I am here to share my thoughts.
First Impression I found the title fascinating. Of course I would read this poem.
Frame A Terzanelle, an invented verse form created by Lewis Turco. A cross between a Terza Rima and a Villanelle. The elements of the Terzanelle are: 1. a poem in 19 lines made up of 5 tercets and ends with a quatrain. 2. metered, most commonly iambic pentameter however if you stray, lines should be of equal length. 3. rhymed A1BA2 bCB cDC dED eFE fA1FA2. Caps are repeated lines. 4, L1 is repeated in L17, L2 is repeated in L6, L3 repeated L19, L5 repeated in L9, L8 repeated in L12, L11 repeated in L18.
Yes you checked all of the boxes. Though the purist might say the lines are a little long. septameter rather than pentameter. But the iambic metric pattern is maintained and lines are of approximate length.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonicsThere were many surprise images in this piece. pebble son, waters weave, ghostly ways, sand and silt etc. This poem reads fluidly.
SuggestionsNo technical error jump out at me. I can offer nothing in improvement
Overall I was very impressed with this piece. This was not an easy form to display your story through but it complimented the content. I enjoyed this skillfully written poem.
Hi Turtle, I am here to give my thoughts on your Song for Francis that I found on Read and Review.
First impression Title, Francis favorite saint, of course, I would read.
Frame Written in 3 sixains followed by a septet. Each sixain is made up of an alternating rhymed quatrain followed by a rhymed couplet refrain. The septet is made up of an alternating rhymed quatrain followed by a tercet with L5 and L7 the rhymed refrain of previous stanzas with L6 unrhymed. Rhyme scheme: ababCC dedeCC fgfgCC hihiCxC C being a refrain, x is unrhymed. Lines of an approximate length. No apparent metric or syllabic pattern.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics The slight adjustment of the beginning of each refrain line adds depth. This reads like a song, which you warned in the title. It has a nice rhythm and sound when read out loud.
Suggestions I thought L6 of the last stanza through off the rhythm a bit and seemed out of place. I would delete it.
I was kind of looking for a reference to the character or some acts of the saint but this stayed pretty generalized. This poem could refer to any one of many saints. If it were mine, I would attempt to make it more specific to Francis. (How I would do that, I have no clue, just sharing my reaction to the poem.)
This is just my opinion, it is your poem. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Overall I thought this was a lovely poem and I enjoyed reading.
Hi Magoo, An oldy of yours "The Skunk and the Porcupine" popped up on Read and Review. You probably forgot all about it. But I am here to remind you and share my thoughts.
First Impression The title would intrigue and nature lover, and "silly" is always worth a read.
Frame Written in 5 quatrains, each made up of 2 rhymed couplets. Syllabic, all lines 9 syllables. Well crafted.
Texture, rhythm, word choices, and sonics The rhythm of normal speech, the narration flows. Wonderful words: debonaire, pungent, grubs. Full of surprises this poem reads well.
Suggestions Keep writing.
Overall I thoroughly enjoyed reading this skillfully written piece. I smiled all of the way through. Thanks.
Hi TJ, This oldy "One Cloudy Day", popped up on Read and Review. You probably have forgotten all about it but I'm here to remind you and share my thought.
First Impression The poem on the page looks easy to read and the title sounds sincere. Why not?
Frame Written in 5, iambic tetrameter, rhymed couplets.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics Because of the meter and rhyme this sounds pleasantly like a song. (but not sing-songy) The tongue-in-cheek humor was a welcome surprise.
Suggestions No technical erro jumped out at me. I see nothing I could suggest to improve on.
Overall This was a delightful break in my day. And yes the sun is shining on me too after several cloudy days. Thank you for the enjoyable read.
Hi Lou, I'm still checking in at Read and Review and your poem, Matthew 25:23 came up and I'm here to share my thoughts with you.
First Impression Obviously this was going to be a religious piece by the scripture title. That will draw in some, and scare some off. I'm part of the choir so I would have read this even if it didn't just come up for review.
Frame An decastich, a poem in 10 lines of Free Verse.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics This has a churchy tone, a sincere statement of faith. (admitting, "I've not always been"} which adds texture and a ring of honesty to the piece. It has a smooth, consistent, rhythm when read out loud.
Suggestions No technical errors jumped out at me. Readers connect to concrete images. That is why Jesus was sent, to give us a concrete example of God that we could connect to. This is mostly abstract and I think the message might be more powerful with more concreteness. This is just my opinion. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Overall This is a lovely poem and I enjoyed the read.
Hi Amyjo, I came across your "In The City" at Read and Review. I am here to share my thoughts.
First Impression I wasn't sure what to expect, the title didn't tell me much, but I read anyway.
Frame A poem in 28 unrhymed lines made up of 4 septets. No apparent metric or syllabic pattern.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics Words like, clout, chiding, hobo, foreboding, and manipulate, add depth and texture to the piece. The poem reads with a fast pace as if the reader is being pushed along on a crowded street until the last stanza when it slows down and has a reflective tone.
Suggestions I have nothing I could offer to improve this skillfully written piece.
Overall You painted not terribly favorable images of the city, which is how I feel when in San Francisco or any other large city. But it all fades away in the last stanza when you recall your mother. I loved this poem. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Big Books, I happened on an oldy of yours "It's Time to Celebrate" at read and review. I'm here to share my thoughts.
First impression The festive appearance on the page is certainly attractive and inviting.
Frame Using the Verse Form, the Pantoum for an Occasional Poem is impressive. Often occasional poems are throw-aways after the event. therefore so many are jingley and not a lot of effort displayed. The Pantoum with its rotating lines, shows a little effort has been afforded.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics This lyrical piece reads aloud quite fluidly. The upbeat tone sings CELEBRATION!
Suggestions I see no technical error and can offer no thoughts on improvement. It is not high poetry but it is a well written occasional verse.
Overall I enjoyed reading this piece and I am sure the Webmasters loved it.
Hi Sum 1, I'm still reviewing and I just found your "Before I Go" on Read and Review. Here are my thoughts.
First impression At 82 years of age, the title of your poem is a phrase, I and so many of my peers ponder quite often. Curious what your thoughts are on the subject.
Frame A poem written in 5 quatrains, each made up of 2 rhymed couplets. Lines are similar length with Accentual Verse, 4 stresses per line. No syllabic or metric patterns.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics. The poem read fluidly out loud because of the cadence of everyday language. The poem moves from the narrator's personal struggles with running out of time, to addressing the needs of another. This is a love poem.
Suggestions No technical errors jump out at me and as usual with this poet, I can see no way in which I could offer improvement.
Overall This is a skillfully written poem with content that touches this reader's heart. The poem is beautiful.
Hi PiriPica, I happened on your "Should it Rain" at Read and Review and I am here to share my thoughts.
First impression Clearly written for a child but fun to read as an adult.
Frame Written in 3 syllabic, variant rhymed cinquains. Syllabic pattern, 3-6-4-4-6, rhyme scheme aaxxa bbxxb ccddc, x being unrhymed.
Texture, rhythm, word choice and sonics The rhythm is fairly lyrical with a little bump in L4. The word choices appropriate for a small child's understanding.
Suggestions This poem carries a dominant iambic rhythm but L4 throughs that off and rhythm stumbles. If this were mine, which I know it isn't, I would reverse the words in L4. It is an unrhymed line so switching said to the front is no loss to the rhyme scheme and it provides the lyrical iambic pattern of the rest of the poem.
It is a complete poem as written. However, the thought occurred to me that it is a poem with a bee as the central character but there is no onomatopoeia, buzzing. I missed the sound. You plopped and dripped the rain, why not somehow include the buzz of a busy bee? Forgive me, just my imagination running a muck.
These are just one person's thoughts, It is your poem. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Overall I thoroughly enjoyed reading this cute poem. Thanks.
Hi Jake, Read and Review is offering 800 GPs if I review your poem "No more Summer Days", so here I am to give you my thoughts.
First Impression The title and a quick perusal of your poem, worries me a little. Is this going to be depressing?
Frame Free Verse, a poem in 30 lines broken into various sized strophes.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics. This may have been prompted by a word challenge because of the bold words. The content progresses from joy to despair. It reads out loud fairly fluidly.
SuggestionsI see no technical error and can offer nothing substantial to improve this poem.
Overall This is a desparaging piece. The reader walks away with little hope for the future. You made me feel. That is what a poem is supposed to do. Now I'm going to go read something more upbeat.
Hi Cubby, Your Christmas Day Dinner popped up at Read and Review and I am here to share my thoughts on your poem.
First impression Odd that your poem pops up a week before Easter, but given the weather outside lately, it is freezing outside, isn't that crazy? The colored font, the title certainly suggest the season which for me is usually busy but full of family and I love it.
The Frame Written in 6, alternating 6.5.6.5 syllabic quatrains with staggered sequential rhyme, xaxa xbxb xcxc etc., x being unrhymed.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics The reads like a song with a fluid rhythm. Various family members are included by name which makes this sound very personal.
Suggestions L13, delete the word "are", it is unnecessary and it creates the only 7 syllable line in the poem. Deleting the word, smoothes the rhythm and brings the line into sync with the rest of the syllabic pattern. This is just my opinion. It is your poem, please use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Overall Reading this felt like family. Love and joy are present and it was perfect to read for my mood today. Thank you.
Hi Dawn, I happened on an old one of your "I Am the Unknown", you've probably forgotten all about it. But here I am sharing my thoughts on your poem.
First Impression The title is a grabber and the appearance on the page is intriguing with the single line beginning and end.
The Frame A poem in 17 lines, made up of a single line, 3 cinquains, and a single line, in that order. Unrhymed with no apparent metric or syllabic pattern.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics This reads out loud fluently. There is texture and movement in 3 cinquians present an event, the thought process, and the result. The single line responses, nobody knew/nobody will every know, great beginning and end.
Suggestions No technical errors jumped out at me. If it were mine, I'd tinker with L11. The length is out of balance. I'd shorten it. Maybe a simple, delete "When choosing". This is just my opinion. It is your poem, use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.
Overall I enjoyed reading this poem. It reminded me of first responders and good Samaritans. The best of the best.
Hi Jeff, Your "Stand-Up and Deliver" was posted at Twenty-Three in Eleven, just before me, so here I am for review. I normally review poetry and have little expertise in Flash Fiction, but I'm here to learn.
Here are my thoughts, the presentation challenges with the title and the piece appears doable, for a quick read. All pluses in drawing the reader.
I have to admit, I was expecting a baseball theme from the title and was surprised that the focus was on stand-up comedy, And then you add a hint of baseball in the mix, genius! You kept me reading.
This has great flow, the dialog sounds real and you add humor.
No technical errors jumped out at me. Of course in Flash Fiction I don't know if I'd recognize them anyway, other than a misspelled word or improper punctuation.
Hello Busman, I happened on your "Unconditionally Yours" at Read and Review. I'm here to give you my thoughts.
First Impression The title touched me. The poem on the page looked organized on the page.
Form Written in 6 unrhymed quatrains with varying length lines. S1, L1 and L2 are repeated in S6 L2 and L3. S5 employs repetition of W1 in each line.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics. This poem reads fluidly out loud. The content logically progresses. I thought S5 was very effective.
Suggestions No technical error jumped out at me. S1, L3, where do you want the reader to focus, on the Years or on of? Last word of a line takes on importance, I think it is best practice to never end a line with a conjunction unless you want to emphasize the conjunction. If this were mine, I would move the word "of" to the beginning of the next line.
I do feel the last line of the poem is redundant and doesn't trust the reader. The reader already gets it. You don't have to tell us. If it were mine, I'd eliminate the last line. or substitute S1 L3 without "of" at the end as your last line. I think it would have more impact.
Of course, this is just one person's opinion. It is your poem, use what ever you may find helpful and ignore the rest.
Overall This is a well crafted poem, touching in places. I enjoyed the read.
Hello Lou, I happened on your "Sunrise/Sunset" at Read and Review.
I am here to share my thoughts on your poem.
First impression First thing that came to mind seeing your title and poem on the page, "Red sky at night, sailors delight. Red sky at morning, sailors take warning." My husband used to say that all of the time.
Form A septet followed by a sestet with S1, L1, L2 and L3 repeated in S2 L1,L2 and L3. Also S1, L5 repeated in S2 as L4 and S1 L6 repeated S2 L5. Unrhymed with 10 syllable lines except for L3, L10 and L13 which are 8 syllables.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics. The epetition of lines adds depth to this piece. It reads fairly fluidly. I appreciated the capitalization of Him,so many these days do not.
Suggestions I saw no technical errors in this piece. I do think an added line in S2 referring to good weather would improve this piece. This is just my opinion, it is your poem. Use whatever I share here if you find it helpful and ignore the rest.
Overall As a watcher of the sunrise and the sunset daily, I felt a comfort in familiar message. I enjoyed reading your poem.
Hello Bunny Sox, I happened on your "Elaborate Fantasies" at Read and Review. I am here to share my thoughts on your poem.
First impression The title would be compelling to many curious readers. It even could suggest erotic content to some. The poem as posted has several words in bold print which suggests to me, this was written in response to a challenge to include these words in a poem.
Form Free Verse, a hexastich, poem in 6 lines.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics Since the words to be included are all abstracts, there use keeps this piece on an abstract plain. Difficult for the reader to connect. I thought, in such a short space you wove the words into your poem quite well. The piece is fluid and makes a statement.
Suggestions No technical errors given the style of writing. However in my opinion, there would be better clarity if the poem began with a Cap, L1 "In", and placed a period after "overcoming.", A Cap, L5 "You" and a period at the end. My first quick read, I was a little confused until I went back again and realized it was actually 2 sentences with a change in focus. I understand it is a style choice, but there is a poet and a reader. Is the reader reading for style or content? This is just one person's thoughts, it is your poem. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Overall I liked the message and you did a good job incorporating abstracts into a concrete message.
Hi Cloud, I happened on your "Lost Dreams" at Read and Review and I'm here to offer you my thoughts on this poem.
First impression The title is pretty generic, I question if it will entice the random reader. The appearance on the page is long which might scare off the casual reader. It is OK it also might attract the more serious readers.
Form Introduced as a song. Normally a song would have verses and a refrain, that happens only once in this piece. The narrator might have a tune to follow but the reader doesn't. The Form I see Free Verse in 54 lines broken into 19 strophes. The first and second strophes are repeated midway in the poem.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics Short lines make the rhythm a little choppy. Language is simple and easy to understand.
SuggestionsThere are no technical errors that jump out at me. In my opinion, the last strophe is too telly and the poem would have more impact if you deleted the 3rd strophe from the bottome, "That is the lost dream of mine" and the last strophe "But it won't, I know that now" and instead ended this piece repeating your 1st strophe. "A lost dream of mine
Was to be a
Singer" The reader will feel the loss.
These are just my thoughts and it is your poem. Use what you may find helpful here and ignore the rest.
Overall I enjoyed reading this poem. It has a melancholy tone that is conveyed to the reader.
Hi francis, I found your "Quotes and Words of Wisdom" on Read and Review. I thought it interesting that there would be such a theme here at WDC and your offering shows up for review. Tough to review just one sentence but I'll give it a try.
This piece is written in one very long sentence which in my opinion could be broken into two sentences. It wouldn't change the rhythm nor the meaning but would give the reader a pause to reflect on one thought before continuing on to the next.
In the first phrase of the sentence you use the phrase "earth and celestial". Earth is a noun, celestial is an adjective. You can't pair them. You could use, "earth and stars", or "earth and universe", or "earth and sky", or "earth and heaven". All of those substitutes are nouns and provide a better rhythm to your thought.
Of course, these is just my opinions. It is your "quote". Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I think words of wisdom are spot on. I especially liked the last phrase and how you end it. That is great rhythm and makes the thought memorable. Almost Yoda like.
Hi Tim, I am here to review an oldy of yours that I happened on at Read and Review, Bowling 101 for Addicts.
First impression Great, intriguing title. The poem appears organized and easy read on the page. A winning combination. I can't imagine anyone passing this by.
Form Written in iambic tetrameter, 4 quatrains made up of 2 rhymed couplets each. Impressive, metric poems are becoming fewer and fewer.
{Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics. The meter moves this piece along quite fluidly. I have to say the first word that jumped out at me as out of place was S1 L4, "deserve". I don't normally comment on content, only the craft of writing, but in my opinion, no one "deserves" to sin.
SuggestionsThe word "deserve" just doesn't fit. Maybe "oft choose" to sin, or "fall into" sin, or "inclined" to sin... I'd play with this line if it were mine. This is just my opinion and I'm tinkering with content here, so I'm treading lightly.
Though the title refers to bowling, I didn't see much "bowling" language. Strike, spare, split, ten-pin etc. There are tournaments in most sports, winning, and losing in most sports. I think this would be more effective with some bowling language since that was the thing that attracted me to the poem in the title.
This is your poem, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Overall I thought this interesting if not a little telly. Thank you for the read.
Hi Nurse, I encountered your "To Fly"at Read and Review, so here are my thoughts on your poem.
First impression The title is fairly generic, which may or may not entice the random reader. The brevity on the page, however, says fast and easy, stop and read.
Form A Free Verse poem in 12 short lines.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics This reads kind of choppy because of the short lines. This is written like a list. I thought the end rhyme of L10 and L1 brought a pleasant sound and interest to the piece. L12 would have been a surprise, except for the title giving it away, but it did pull the poem altogether.
Suggestions I see no technical error in this piece. But because of that last line, if this were mine, I would change the title to not give away the surprise. Of course this is just my opinion and it is your poem. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Overall This was a simple, easy poem to read. I enjoyed it.
Hi Anna Marie, I came across The Lovebird's Mother at Read and Review. I think this is going to be a pretty short review considering the length of your writing.
First Impression Nice title. Where's the rest?
Form A single sentence written for the Humdinger Word of the Day Contest.
Texture, rhythm, word choice, sonics The challenge appears to be to use the word of the day, apparently "onomatopoeia" which I don't feel was met. Onomatopoeia is all about sonics, the sounds. To describe onomatopoeia is not the same as to show or in this case hear it.
SuggestionsI think this would have been more successful if you said something like "As a stranger passed by the birds' nest, a warning screech of cheep, cheep, cheep, the onomatopeia of an angry lovebird's mother." This is just one person's opinion. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Overall I thought this challenge difficult, especially if a maximum word count was given. Plus to include the particular word onomatopeia in a sentence goes against it's meaning. You kept this very brief and got the message across.
Hi Espero, I encountered your "Ah, the Junk" at Read and Review. So here I am to do just that.
First Impression I can't think of anyone who could resist that title. We've got to see it.
Form A poem in 32, 8 syllable lines, arranged in 8 quatrains, each made up of 2 rhymed couplets. Rhyme, syllable count, stanza breaks spot on.
Texture, rhythm, word choice and sonics The even syllable count keeps the rhythm fairly fluid. The finding of a cherished cup adds texture and interest, as do the letters from a love outgrown. I loved the word "jerk", the poem couldn't have ended on a better word.
Suggestions No technical errors jumped out at me.
Overall I found this to be fun to read. Thanks for a bit of humor on this soggy day in Cali.
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