Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing.

What It Was: A futuristic tale of publishing, authorship, and a little Flash Gordon derring-do.

What It Said To Me: I greatly enjoyed the romp. I was able to see the scenes set easily, and the characters were fun in their own melodramatic way.

Why I Liked It: The new world is peopled by old-fashioned people from the world we know today, or maybe by people from before our time. Barns and Ashcroft bring to mind Basil and Nigel doing their thing in black and white movies from the Forties. And Marie? The perfect Mrs. Hudson, fussing over her tenant, and perhaps more than a little smitten with him. Macclesfield reminded me of a James West type: ready, willing, and able to dish out whatever is necessary to achieve his lofty goals.

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: I thought the whole thing hung together quite well, and as long as your suspension-of-disbelief-button is turned on, you should have no troubles with the narrative. There were a couple of grammar lapses, but no worries, and they didn't detract.

Special Emphasis: This is telling: Barns seemed to turn this over in his mind for a while, and then grunted. “ ‘As many stories as there are blades of grass in the world.’ Who said that?” He shook his head forlornly and looked down at his lap. “And now, here, in 4308, how many stories do we have? How many blades of grass? Not enough.” We find ourselves in the year 4308, and yet we still have BMW's, sherry, fireplaces, and whiskey, as well as heart attack pistols. Loved these lines:“Any original literature belongs to the people of the present, the future, and especially the culture-starved citizens of the past. It’s your duty to hand it over.” Big Brother lives on, indeed.

Overall: Spend an exciting Saturday morning at the movies, with this tale of cliff-hanging suspense and loyalty starring as the one-reel serial you've been itching to see. Methinks that this is the beginning. Will there be more serials for coming Saturdays?

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.

Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing.

What It Was: A short story of a young boy meeting his new neighbor for the first time, as told by the boy as a grown man, fifty-seven years later.

What It Said To Me: I especially appreciated the tone of the story, with it's easy, story-telling pacing. The subject and the overall feel were compatible and appropriate.

Why I Liked It: It was a small "feel-good" story, maybe not earth-shattering in its IMPORTANCE , but a good read, nevertheless.

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: A couple of points in your dialogue: “Tell us a story Grandpa.” I asked, as the spokesman for all four of us grandchildren. Here, the dialogue should have a comma to separate the words spoken, from the speaker. And here: “My name is James and I live down the road a piece.” I replied agreeably. Don't forget your comma. You get the idea. Since you're telling the story as a reminiscence, and Grandpa is the "teller," I might separate my "story" from the actual telling, maybe adding a line break (extra line between the passages, or some other device to let us know that we're in the story now, not being told the story, if that makes sense.
Perhaps like this:
“Tell us a story Grandpa.” I asked, as the spokesman for all four of us grandchildren. We were gathered around him eagerly waiting. Grandpa had never told a story that failed to amuse us and most of his stories were about his unruly childhood escapades.

“Today, since it’s Grandma and I’s anniversary, I’m going to tell you about when your grandmother and I met. It was fifty-seven years ago, when we first met. Both of us were eleven years old, and your grandma was just as wild as I was. She had just moved onto the old Dixon farm, about a mile up the road from me. I hiked up the road to her house and hid behind a tall tree, waiting to see the girl that I had been told was my new neighbor. I was not disappointed. Her hair was as red as the flames of our fire. I had never seen anything like it. I was even more surprised when she hung a white dress on the clothes line. Who in their right mind would wear a white dress way out here?”


“Hey Mom, can I go exploring?” The girl asked. See how we added an extra line?

You might even add another sentence that sets up the entry into the story after ...way out here, like: She had a voice that croaked like a frog's, and I heard her croak quite clearly, 'Hey Mom, can I go exploring?'"

Same thing at the end. Grandpa's still talking, so we need to quote him, but maybe add that extra break to show we're back from the story.

Special Emphasis: Loved this: I could tell she was studying me, but that’s okay. I was studying her too. She was dressed up like a regular farmer, bib overalls and all.

Overall: Very nice effort; keep it up. I enjoyed your story of romance on the farm!

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.

Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing.

What It Was: A short story about an Irishman returning to his old stomping grounds, finding that times had changed, but most everything else had not.

What It Said To Me: I could sense the unease of the narrator, Mallory. I could feel his wanting to be home, to be accepted. From these lines: The walls and ceiling had probable received a coat of paint during that time but Mallory could not tell the difference. The one thing he remembered from the old days was the great big fire that made everybody feel at home.

Why I Liked It: The tone of the story was right for the content. There was an undertone throughout of anticipation, as if there was going to be something just around the corner that we couldn't yet see.

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: There were a few problems for me in your delivery, as opposed to your story, which I liked a lot. When you decide not to use the normal conventions of dialogue, try to make sure that we can "see" who is doing the talking. Without the direct quotes being set off, we can sometimes be forced to backtrack to make sure we know who is speaking.

You wrote: To get away from Paul he walked over and said hi. Do ye mind if I join ye ? Suit yourself one said. Tom and Donald were the names of the men he knew. I'm Mallory he told the third man. John's my name he said sticking out his hand. Well, how are things going lads ? How the hell do you
think they're going said Tom we're living on State handouts and lucky to have enough for a few pints on a Sunday. Yes added Donald the Government is running us into the ground, all the money is going to pay the Bank debt.

I'd write:
To get away from Paul, he walked over and said, "Hi. Do ye mind if I join ye?"
"Suit yourself," one said.
Tom and Donald were the names of the men he knew.
"I'm Mallory," he told the third man.
"John's my name," he said, sticking out his hand.
"Well, how are things going, lads?"
"How the hell do you think they're going?" said Tom. "We're living on State handouts and lucky to have enough for a few pints on a Sunday."
"Yes," added Donald, "The Government is running us into the ground, all the money is going to pay the bank debt."

I don't have as much of a problem following along with your intent that way. Maybe you'll want to take a stab at it if that style pleases.

Special Emphasis: Liked this: The man next to him was giving out about the the match on the "box" fecking useless imbeciles, with the money they earn you'd think they would know which way they are playing. They should give
them satnav's so they can find the goal. Sca, you must have seen a lot of Irish football. I got a good laugh out of that.

Overall: I very much like your story, and although it was gloomy, with Mallory learning that there was big trouble coming, I did get a good sense of your putting yourself into this effort. Keep it up; good stuff.

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.

Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing.

What It Was: A little "story" of one person's perceptions of a declining neighborhood, and thoughts about those who occupy it.

What It Said To Me: I was quite touched by your narration, and you did a fine job of capturing the feeling of a neighborhood down on its luck.

Why I Liked It: The tone of the story was relevant throughout, and it helped paint the mind-pictures that the narrator was seeing through his/her own eyes. This helps the reader visualize. I was struck by your command of what is the truth of a broken neighborhood: the squalor, the hopelessness, and most of all, the aimlessness of a place that might just as well be on the other side of the moon. I thought that your taking us where Old Delray used to be to where it has washed up was a sad journey, but one all too true in today's urban landscape.

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: I have no quibbles.

Special Emphasis: I thought this nailed the theme of the story: He looked scared, like a lost child that found a road while they were lost in a forest they thought was haunted. He had been running from car to car looking for help. I could feel his thoughts: Please help me. Get me out of here. I’ll get your newspaper. I’ll do anything, just please take me away from this…

Overall: I especially liked that you ended your story with something that gives prayers for hope. A fine effort; keep it up.

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.

Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing.

What It Was: A short story about Marcus, and his not-so-much "career."

What It Said To Me: I liked your little tale of impending doom, and if I understand correctly, the Devil's assistants come in pretty packages.

Why I Liked It: The tone was right for this type of story, kind of hang-dog, end of the line.

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: The formatting of the actual words here is a little too jumbled for me. Making plenty of breaks for changes, dialogue, etc. would be preferable. Show us plenty of "white space" so it's not so intimidating, please. There are some grammar lapses, misspellings, etc., that need to be cleaned up. Use that spell-checker; it's our friend!
And I think it's New York, New York, that you may have been thinking of, when "making it anywhere?"

Special Emphasis: I like this sentence: The freckles dance across her nose onto her cheeks. Very nice word pictures. What color are the freckles? What type of dance? You could give us more and really set this off, I think.

Overall: This is a good start, I think. Good flavor, with plenty of meat to gnaw on. Do you think you might grow it, perhaps add more to the story, let us see Marcus' next steps with his new "guide?"

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.

Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing.

What It Was: The story of a woman (girl?) attempting to flee the scene of a bloodbath.

What It Said To Me: Overall, I liked this little "story," but, of course, I wondered that there should be a "to be continued" at the end. We don't see motives, or even feelings from the characters, except for the child's fear.

Why I Liked It: The "heroine" seems plucky enough, and your description of the physical scenes lends realism.

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: A couple of grammar issues: Keep your commas inside your quotes in the dialogue portions. Be sure to capitalize the first word in the quotes if it's a new sentence.

Special Emphasis: I liked this sentence: Shards of smashed plates littered the ground some still decorated with the meals they once carried. And I really want to know more about this "mystery." Does it continue? How did the characters get where they were? Why were they there? Who are the men with guns? What are the characters' relationships to each other?

Overall: I think your story has promise, if developed. As it is, it's more of a scene than a story. More, please; we've only had a watercress sandwich and we're looking for a cheeseburger.

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.

Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing.

What It Was: The story of a Texas Ranger's encounter with the dangers of the real world and the mystery of the spirit world.

What It Said To Me: I much enjoyed your yarn, Bluesman. It had a gritty western sensibility that lent authenticity.

Why I Liked It: The pacing was good and didn't drag. I got the transitions without much difficulty, and the story line with some "ghosty" thrown in was a nice twist.

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: The dialog lines had a bit too much dialect for me. I think you could get more out of your story if you showed some dialect early on to give us a sensibility of the characters' training, environment, education, etc., but when we have a lot of it, it makes for a less "clean" read, forcing the reader to interpret more than necessary. I think reigns should be reins.

Special Emphasis: I liked this line: Hoot handed the rabbit to the Sarge, "Why don't you shuddup and eat this varmit... of a sudden I ain't too hungry..."

Overall: I greatly enjoyed the read, and I had fun with it.

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.

Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing.

What It Was: The story beginning of a young woman about to set herself free of an unwanted boyfriend.

What It Said To Me: I liked this (beginning?) scene, with Tiffany telling us about herself in words and deeds. She obviously is having issues with her world, and we see her venting her frustrations, mostly at her situation.

Why I Liked It: I like it all the way through. It has just enough sass, and just enough a$$ to kick it up a notch. It's obvious, too, that you, as an author know your way around the TV news game (and game it is), and that shows through with authenticity. Like here: "She pulled up the show rundown and clicked through the stories. Reading through scripts that she had put in the system over an hour ago, Tiffany mixed them in with copies of stories from the 5p.m. and 6p.m. newscasts. Each element automatically cued up the reader’s initials and she noted that TCB were the only initials on the entire rundown. Tiffany sighed, clicked off the screen and grabbed her purse." We know that the only stories are hers, and you can just sense her seething about it since she's the intern. I like the TCB angle, too. Funny.

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: I don't have any real big problems here; as an author, you know your way around. "Shuttered" should be shuddered, though, I think. Also, when formatting, keep plenty of "white space" in your piece; you know, double-spacing the paras to make sure no one gets claustrophobia.

Special Emphasis: Liked this line: "She would have run the other way if he had been wearing that shirt when she had first met him, but Phillip had been a sheep in wolves clothing."

Overall: Good work. Hope TCB doesn't just turn about to be another airhead instead of a capable investigative demonette.

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.

Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing.

What It Was: A short story of a soldier entering combat on D-Day.

What It Said To Me: I very much wanted to like this piece completely, and it did speak to me in an important way.

Why I Liked It: I think that, overall, it had the correct tenor and tone. It was realistic and personal.

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: A couple of points, but I believe they will help this story. First, the words "what could go wrong." That is a question, and needs to be set off as such. It makes a more dramatic sentence if it stands alone, in my opinion. As it is, I have trouble with the sentence structures. Like: "He never smoked for his health, what could go wrong." At the very least, a semi-colon to separate, and a question mark at the end. Again, I think the question as a completely separate sentence would really make the difference all the way through. That "What" would jump out. As a quibble, Omaha Beach should both be capitalized; proper nouns and all.

Special Emphasis: I really like this passage: "He had the spirit of the world on his side, more industrial might and men, what could go wrong. The morale of the men on the boat was unbreakable, no one could stop us. We will win, what could go wrong." Just fix that question sentence.

Overall: I appreciated this story piece, and I like it a lot. Just need to tighten it up a bit...it's a winner.

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.

Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing.

What It Was: A short story about old friends and their memories and "adventure."

What It Said To Me: I really enjoyed the interplay between the two main characters, Bobby and Buzz. The old men acted crotchety, just like you'd expect in this kind of a tale.

Why I Liked It: The men's interaction was very "believable" in the Lemmon/Matthau sort of way. The words made the pictures in my head, and that's a very good thing.

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: Here is the passage: “You’re right, Buzz, silly question! Triple chocolate surprise it is, then, have a seat, will ya?” Jimmy chuckled as he began scooping from one of the buckets in the coffin-cooler. Buzz inched his way up onto a stool in front of the counter. Once he’d shifted himself into a comfortable position he noticed a couple of young men seated near the front window speaking softly.

“Hey, did you hear old man Andrews is going off on another crazy story?”

I thought Jimmy was talking to Buzz in the second bit of dialogue. Had to re-read this a couple of times. Maybe showing a little more forcefully that it is the kids speaking?

Special Emphasis: I lol'd on this: “Man alive! Yer no fun since they cancelled Matlock!”

Overall: I had great fun with this one, and even though the old guys got tricked, at least it wasn't them puking their guts out! I liked that it ended, not in pathos, but in laughter, between the old gents.

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.

Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing. This review is associated with the Rockin' Review Group.

What It Was: A story of speechlessness, and its consequences and benefits.

What It Said To Me: I liked this story because of its message: that just because you're not talking, it doesn't mean you're not engaging.

Why I Liked It: I enjoyed the pacing, and the flow of the story fit the subject matter. The tone was also a good blend of lightheartedness and gravity. This is a good passage to me: They each had the desire to mention that they DID, in fact, notice a difference in me. My son thought I was a lot quieter at the game. My daughter was delighted that I didn’t give her grief for being the last one in the car (once again!) this morning. My wife thought that I was extra sweet today and was pleased how I listened to her stories without displaying the need to interject my thoughts on the matter. I think this shows that the narrator, while annoyed a bit at his circumstance, recognizes that there are benefits to avoiding speech, namely that we "hear" so much more, and maybe even recognize we've just been blathering.

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: Since this is a Cramp entry, I don't have a lot of quibbles (been there.) When you decide to go "world" on this, don't forget to proofread carefully; you'll be glad you did.

Special Emphasis: I loved this: I’m a guy. I need my voice. I have things to say and an eager collection of family and friends who thrive on hearing what I pontificate. That's funny, because many of us guys (and gals) share a similar view.

Overall: I enjoyed your story. I think it has a good feel, and I think it generates a bit of brain engagement, a good thing in all work. Very nice.

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.

Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing. This review is presented through the Rockin' Reviewer's Group of WdC.

What It Was: The saga of umbrellas lost and found and lost and stolen, and lost, and. . . well, you get the idea.

What It Said To Me: In a picaresque, Dilbert-like, which-end-is-up world, our umbrella-swiping (I mean, borrowing) hero has an adventure with a Tumi, a Turkess, a Story teller, a Humble Connoisseur, and a kid named Z. This little tale of larceny-cum-"rescuing" is a humorous aside in the the big business of a Manhattan firm, and the inside-job feel is just right.

Why I Liked It: I can't think of a more fun turn of events that having Pawl's umbrella fetish (is that what it is?) turned inside-out. The fact that Z is a "child" at work in the company is funny, as are the nicknames that our narrator gives to his co-workers. There is a majority of narrative at work here, but the story moves along, and while there isn't a ton of dialog, it doesn't feel too "telly" instead of "showy."

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: I personally had no major problems while I was inside your story. There were a couple of minor grammar lapses, and I had trouble at the subway because I didn't see Pawl get on too, but these are just little icy patches, not avalanches.

Special Emphasis: I love this part: An even more disturbing problem – what if another umbrella thief found it and took it for himself – especially a thief with a less nuanced umbrella philosophy than mine? Or worse – no umbrella philosophy at all? Before, our intrepid author would have us believe he's just a lost-soul "borrower," and now we find out that he, too, is among the den of umbrella thieves that prey upon the City. To get inside the Corporate mindset, this is an apt passage : During these meetings, we gather as a company at a suitable watering hole, give presentations, imbibe and attempt to connect with each other. It’s a kind business version of the modern play dateJust the right tone to show just how silly all the seriousness is.

Overall: Keep it up. This is good stuff. Well done.

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.

Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing.

What It Was: The story of a P.I.'s adventure with his stakeout quarry.

What It Said To Me: First off, I liked this little story. It had a breezy tone that seemed to fit the title character, a comedic voice that supported the premise.

Why I Liked It: Again, the pacing and the tone. The narrator tells the story straight-out, with some nice little asides.

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: In the beginning, especially, there are way too many semi-colons. These should most probably be replaced with commas. Like here: And people; male and female alike; swoon. This sentence, as far as I can tell, is the only one that identifies the character as a guy. Trust me, if it were my intention to tell the world I was an injured man, I would have no problem leaving the Snapper parked in the garage. I obviously was having too much fun with the "Snapper" line, and I missed the "man" part. For the life of me, I thought we were talking about a girl character. I don't know why. In any case, maybe letting the reader in with a few more (subtle) cues as to our hero's gender would be good, in my opinion.

Special Emphasis: I liked these lines: As the morning hours click by, the number one worse thing about this job comes into play as my two cups of coffee begin screaming to be let out. They don’t tell you about that in PI school. And they certainly don’t show it as an obstacle to Daniel Craig. Since I have not seen any stirrings; human or otherwise for quite a stretch of time I step out of my car and give into the cry of the coffee Now then, that's pretty funny to me, and if you can imagine that I was thinking about a girl P.I., you can also imagine what pictures got put together with that passage. I liked this too: I no sooner reach the glowing leaves when the front door flings open and there stands Ms. Now I’m Gonna Worry About My Leaves.

Overall: I had a good time in your story. Aside from a few stumbles (and none major), your tale was a fun little ride.

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.

Please know that this review is my opinion only, and that you must follow your own heart and head in your writing.

What It Was:The story of a tempest in the tympani

What It Said To Me:First off, I liked the sense of realism that your beginning had. The scene was drawn nicely of the opening night, and I'm guessing you as an author have also had time to participate or at least study the inner workings of the symphony. I also liked the tone. Casual, and yet composed. I didn't see any great shakes in grammar or spelling (except for "hydrolic" and "conducter.")Just keep on checking these things always so that your readers don't have to work so hard getting through.

Why I Liked It:This was a funny wrapped in a serious, and I liked that juxtaposition, with the ever-so-serious musicians being treated like bowling pins struck by a ball.

Where I Think It Could Be Improved: This: "What the audience didn't know was that the concert master had been promised the job of conducter." I would attempt to reconstruct this to be a bit less forward, and to let the reader "figure it out" somehow(maybe some "Sic semper tyrannis" speech as he disappears, or something.) And here: "Then the concert master did something strange." Did you mean the conductor?

Special Emphasis: Loved these lines: "The harpist grabbed her harp just to make sure it wasn't on a crack soon to separate. Loud whispers addressed her from the trumpets below, 'get my music stand! It's there.'" That hits the funny bone.


Overall:This is a good story (start) in my opinion, and I like your style and how you've handled setting, characters, and action. Keep up the good work.

Thanks for taking your time to write your piece and for allowing me to read it. We all encourage you to keep writing.