Your story has an excellent mixture of imagery, description and raw emotion. You really know how to set the scene and allow the reader to be part of your writing.
I found it an original angle on a very old theme, which made it fresh and enjoying to read. Your conversation was also believable.
The pace was just perfect and the time structure wonderful - and all in less than 900 words!
I think you should find a contest and enter your story. I'm sure it would do very well!
Well done!
Frankies Girl
Some suggestions/grammatical errors:
Line 4 Crosses her arms and exhales heavily through her mouth, turning her eyes for the window over the sink Reads better Crossing her arms, she exhales heavily through her mouth, turning her eyes towards the window over the sink This continues the present continuous tense.
Line 8 watching as the bird twitches I would replace 'the bird' with 'a bird'
Line beginning corner of the kitchen, running nervous fingers through his hair, ducking his head. Reads better corner of the kitchen; running nervous fingers through his hair, as he ducks his head.
Line beginning and desolation, sinking into a dining chair upholstered in Italian silk. Reads better and desolation, as she sinks into a dining chair upholstered in Italian silk.
Line beginning the perfect place to watch the sunrise, and in the evening the sky along the open horizon deepened and darkened with gold and midnight, sharp, silver streaks of stars that branched up and outwards. Reads better the perfect place to watch the sunrise and in the evening, the sky along the open horizon; deepened with gold and midnight sharp, silver streaks of stars, that branched up and outwards.
Line beginning Winters in Maui, summers in Aspen. Slipping up the stairs in the dead of night, lavender and naked chests, kisses dipped and lowered for places they would never think to mention in the day. In these lines I would replace all punctuation with semi colons.
Line beginning She climbs the stairs and enters their bedroom. Treads on thick beige carpet and adjusts the cardigan at her shoulders. Reads better She climbed the stairs and entered their bedroom. Treading on thick beige carpet, she adjusted the cardigan at her shoulders.
Line beginning “What are we gonna do?” 'gonna' seems out of character, considering their previous conversation.
Line beginning It hurts to admit that time is gone. I would replace the 'is gone' with 'has gone' as it's more grammatically correct.
Line beginning She nods, turns away, breaths deeply Typo. Should be 'breathes'
I clared my ratings and re rated this, as I think it deserved the 4.5 instead of 4.0. Keep writing!
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Your story has an excellent mixture of imagery, description and raw emotion. You really know how to set the scene and allow the reader to be part of your writing.
I found it an original angle on a very old theme, which made it fresh and enjoying to read. You conversation was also believable.
The pace was just perfect and the time structure wonderful - and all in less than 900 words!
I think you should find a contest and enter your story. I'm sure it would do very well!
Well done!
Frankies Girl
Some suggestions/grammatical errors:
Line 4 Crosses her arms and exhales heavily through her mouth, turning her eyes for the window over the sink Reads better Crossing her arms, she exhales heavily through her mouth, turning her eyes towards the window over the sink This continues the present continuous tense.
Line 8 watching as the bird twitches I would replace 'the bird' with 'a bird'
Line beginning corner of the kitchen, running nervous fingers through his hair, ducking his head. Reads better corner of the kitchen; running nervous fingers through his hair, as he ducks his head.
Line beginning and desolation, sinking into a dining chair upholstered in Italian silk. Reads better and desolation, as she sinks into a dining chair upholstered in Italian silk.
Line beginning the perfect place to watch the sunrise, and in the evening the sky along the open horizon deepened and darkened with gold and midnight, sharp, silver streaks of stars that branched up and outwards. Reads better the perfect place to watch the sunrise and in the evening, the sky along the open horizon; deepened with gold and midnight sharp, silver streaks of stars, that branched up and outwards.
Line beginning Winters in Maui, summers in Aspen. Slipping up the stairs in the dead of night, lavender and naked chests, kisses dipped and lowered for places they would never think to mention in the day. In these lines I would replace all punctuation with semi colons.
Line beginning She climbs the stairs and enters their bedroom. Treads on thick beige carpet and adjusts the cardigan at her shoulders. Reads better She climbed the stairs and entered their bedroom. Treading on thick beige carpet, she adjusted the cardigan at her shoulders.
Line beginning “What are we gonna do?” 'gonna' seems out of character, considering their previous conversation.
Line beginning It hurts to admit that time is gone. I would replace the 'is gone' with 'has gone' as it's more grammatically correct.
Line beginning She nods, turns away, breaths deeply Typo. Should be 'breathes'
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Your piece was full of emotion, tension, hope of victory, memories and action. I felt as though I were there in the crowd too!
It flowed at a good pace and climaxed at the correct time.
The language was perfect for the story content and was also easy to read.
You have many good descriptions and imagery too!
Well done for an entertaining piece.
Frankies Girl
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Some suggestions/grammatical corrections:
Line 5 there was normally steeled determination; a comma after determination seems more grammatically correct.
Line 7 “You need to move son,” encouraged Centennial High Wrestling Coach Tom Dyer; I would place a comma after 'Coach,'
Line 8 hands clapping in the common gesture that every coach used to inspire his athlete to go on. reads better hands clapping in the common gesture every coach uses to inspire his/an athlete to go on.
3rd Para Last line season. It had led him to being the best. Invert 'him' and 'to'
Para 4 Line 1 The screaming of his father brought time speeding up to the moment where both I would put a comma after 'father,'
Line beginning “Come on Eric,” his younger siblings clenched each other tears streaming down their I would put a comma after 'other,'
Line beginning The opposite wrestler closed the distance and tried grappling Might read better His opponent closed the distance and tried grappling
Line 7 from the end Time froze as the young man had shot in and would easily control the takedown. I think this needs rewording for more clarity.
6 Lines from the end Everyone in the crowd went crazy as Might flow better The crowd went crazy as which then leads into the climax of the next line.
3 Lines from the end Tears flooded down his face Might have more impact if you changed 'flooded' to 'flooding'
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You have some nice ideas for an amusing piece, which seem to come right out of one of those films I've seen with a young blonde lad. You know the one I mean!?!
The pace runs smoothly and your scene setting is good, with very good descriptions to back up your ideas. Your conversations are also very believable of this typically sterotyped family - used normally in similar tv films.
I loved the twist at the end!
Here are some suggestions that might improve the piece:
Use less passive descriptions and "show" more.
Would someone pay a small time crook to burgle? This seemed unlikely as he didn't know what he would find.
3rd Para Line 1 - Jimmy "the snake" Delaney I think here Jimmy "The Snake" Delaney would be more appropriate as it's his nickname. As in the other times this nickname is mentioned in the piece.
3rd Para Line 7 - a little bad about doin this one. Was this for effect as per the character or should it have been a little bad doing this one?
3rd Para Lines 7-9 But hell, thought the snake, turning philosophical...life's a bitch! They'll learn an important lesson and they've probably got a good insurance plan anyway! This would probably work better in italics, as they're his thoughts.
Para 4 Lines 1&2 Jimmy stood quietly in the shadows of the small back porch, listening. The only sound was the gentle chirping of early morning crickets. There's a continuity problem here. Surely it should have been "later that night?"
Para 6 Lines 2&3 Be cool, thought Jimmy. Easy. No big problem. Once again, they're his thoughts. Could be put into italics. As with all his other thoughts in the piece.
Frankies Girl
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Life is definitely hard when emotions are involved and hearts are broken.
Your poem captures vividly your hurt and feelings of helplessness. You describe your desparation and emotions beautifully in lines comparing your "loss of love" to your "loss of life". He was your world and not it's just an empty, lifeless place.
The poem flows easily and naturally, without forced rhyme.
Always remember, when old doors close, new much better ones open. The most important thing is that we learn for all our experiences - good, bad and indifferent.
I wish you luck.
Frankies Girl
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You have some good ideas and adequate descriptions.
I would suggest re reading your piece. Try to write it again with more feeling. The bunny's thoughts are good, but the writing needs to be less passive and more realistic. You have just put down a series of actions and not really "shown" them. Think about how you would react if you read this piece and it was written by someone else, then rewrite it.
Well done for trying!
Frankies Girl
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Some suggestions:
Para 1 Line 2 The wind is changing, the sky has darkened reads better The wind is changing and the sky has darkened
Para 1 Last line because I'm already here and the storm's already here. reads better because I'm already here and so is the storm.
You have some nice ideas, good imagery and adequate descriptions.
What I would suggest though, is that you take another look it and try to rewrite with a little more "feeling" and less "passivity." With a little work, it would allow the story to flow a little better and get the reader to partake as well.
Also, try to omit more modern day words like beserk . Such words are out of place in a story of this period setting. Excessive adjectives also detract from the story.
Finally you changed tense towards the end. It should uniformed throughout.
Well done and good luck with the rest of your story!
Frankies Girl
A few suggestions/grammatical errors I found:
Line 1 Deep within the forest of Holiming a young girl
Line 7 They seemed to not should be They seemed not to
Lines 9 & 10 Noises could be heard inside the castle walls, a big commotion was going on inside. Take out the last "inside"
2nd Para Line 1 Getting off her horse the girl add a comma after the word "horse"
2nd Para Lines 9-11 It was the King and
Queen, their royal gowns dragged delicately on the marble floor as they proceeded towards the young girl. Reads better like this The King and Queen, their royal gowns dragging delicately on the marble floor, proceeded towards the young girl.
Para 3 Line 1 is suppose to act typo. Should be supposed
8th Para from the end - Last line such a site to his hometown typo. Should be such a sight to his hometown
The main one "Monster" describes the trials and emotions of young girl disfigured by a freak accident! She's left physically and emotionally scarred and shunned by all around her.
She grows up. After having many years of plastic surgery, she sees again, the main instigator of her being an "outcast" in her schooldays. Here the story has a nice twist ending, which definitely proves that "what goes round, comes round."
It also includes the theme of "childhood scars" which can be devastating in adulthood.
A definite read - especially if you want to find out the ending!
Well done for an interesting, emotional piece.
Keep writing.
Frankies Girl
Some grammatical errors I found:
Para 4 Line 1 I'll always remember that, the name exchange the comma with a semi colon.
Para 6 Lines 2&3 probably wouldn't attract a second glance now as ever since put a comma between the words now and as
Para 8 Line 2 back then, whether replace comma with a semi colon or a full stop and begin a new sentence. Either/or are correct.
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In your short poem, you vividly and emotionally describe the pain you have in an abusive relationship.
Your imagery left me tearful at the things you have been put through by such a coward. Coward is the word I have to use to describe such unforgivable behaviour by any human being.
I really hope that "your light isn't fading" and that you find a way to care again.
You were very brave to write this and even more courageous to share it.
I wish you happiness.
Frankies Girl
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You have lovely sentiments in this piece. You describe, from the heart, your break up which has now turned into a treasured friendship.
It just shows how mature thinking you are and that you have learnt from your experience. It's really inspiring that you have now turned this around this sad, painful moment in your life, into to something very positive!
Well done for sharing an insight into your pain and happiness too!
Good luck.
Frankies Girl
Some errors I found and some suggestions:
Line 9 faught the end should be fought the end For moving so seamlessly to friend does the word seemlessly not seamlessly exist? You've also missed out a before friend.
Change all your i's to I
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I like your "poetry of a sort" as you class it. You're right, it doesn't follow any specific form, but I like the sentiments it contains.
The repetition of the word "forever" and your final sentiment, conjures up some deep emotions and images. You were obviously in love at the time of writing this, or have great imagination.
Well done for sharing this one.
Frankies Girl
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You have some good ideas and imagery here, but I think you should take some time and put them into stanzas. At the moment your words are just a long line of separate thoughts leading on from each other.
You portray an unhappy woman who has given up on the world and all it contains. She is disgusted with her image and not having anything go right for her. My questions are though: Would she die because of this? Does she actually die at the end (you say she collapses to the ground). Would she die from the cuts to her hand from broken glass?
With a little work, I think you could make it much better.
Well done for a good beginning.
Frankies Girl
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This poem initially makes the reader believe that the title "Falling Down the Stairs" is going to be a boring read!
It's not until you read it, that you realise it fully explains the excellent analogy of the title.
Your poem is thought provoking and cleverly explains your emotions.
Your opinion and descriptions flow nicely and follow in a logical sequences!
Well done for writing such a unique and interesting piece!
Frankies Girl
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This is a very sad, emotional piece about your aunt's funeral. It must have been very difficult to write. I admire you for having the courage to share your experience with us.
You have described every little detail and your feelings very well, allowing the reader to feel your pain and empathise with you.
I think it's a lovely tribute to have written in your aunt's memory. She gave you a good memory of her being at peace.
Well done.
Frankies Girl
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It's such a sad experience to have written about, but one that took so much courage to write.
Your emotions and heartache are felt and your pain is unbearable.
Death is always difficult to cope with but dealing with the death of an unborn child cannot be described.
I send you light in the hope it helps with the healing.
Frankies Girl
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This certainly digs deep into your soul and exposes all the different parts of you.
I found it very honest, raw and felt your emotion in each line.
You cover many thoughts that many people have, but don't have the courage to admit. Most subjects you mention are taboo in us; maybe because of fear, insecurity or hurt.
You are very courageous to have written this piece and have to be admired for sharing it with us!
Well done and keep writing.
Frankies Girl
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This is very cleverly written. I thought I'd stumbled across a piece of erotica, only to find a humourous ending - which I won't reveal!
Great descriptive talent. Great imagery. Great suspense. Very humourous ending.
My only comment is that you should not have your sentences separated so much, as they initially seem like short single descriptions, which take away a little from the continuity of the piece.
Well done in everything else. I think you should concentrate on writing short stories with twist endings. I'm sure you'll be onto a winner with such a vivid imagination.
Frankies Girl
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This ghost, tells first hand, what it means to be a ghost. He is the classic description of what we imagine ghosts to be.
Your imagery and even pace, really bring him/her to "life" so to speak.
I think, any child reading this, would enjoy the fun this ghost has scaring people, and not be afraid themselves. It gets up to all sorts of mischief, and makes the job of haunting more of an adventure for the reader.
How weird. This little piece sums up my feelings EXACTLY if Writing.Com were to close down forever.
Your piece cleverly leads the reader into a normal day with your child and your eagerness to sign onto the Writing.Com site. Wow and behold, there's a problem and you have to try again - which disturbs you enormously. (There's nothing worse than having your daily habit cut off when you most need it)
You tend to your son, trying again after a little while to sign in again. This time you are horrified to find that Writing.Com no longer exists.
Suddenly your whole world has collapsed and something else seems to be brewing outside too.
You lead the reader into a hilarious vivid account of the end of the world; which finally means nothing to you. You have no fear - your world has ended anyway because Writing.Com is no more!!
Well done for sharing such a lighthearted piece on your profound emotion - your love for Writing.Com.
This is such a profound poem in the form of a prayer for guidance.
Your use of colours accentuate the beauty and sadness of your emotions as well as the images of the place you live.
Your hopes and desire for love and peace are very strong and your belief in those desires are placed in the hands of your spirit guide.
In your second verse, you also show wonderfully, how akin you are to nature and the sadness you feel at the suffering and pain of the Mother Earth.
Having made your sacrificial offering, you look ahead to your departure from this world; when you will be welcomed by those who have gone before.
Sadly, you see this departure as your saving grace - where all your pain and hurt will end. Where you will be allowed to live, love and feel again. Your death to you, will solve all that has long since died within you.
I really hope that the end you write about will be in the far future and that all the things wished for in this poem, will be granted in this life!
Well done for sharing such an emotional piece.
Frankies Girl
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This is such a profound poem in the form of a prayer for guidance.
Your use of colours accentuate the beauty and sadness of your emotions as well as the images of the place you live.
Your hopes and desire for love and peace are very strong and your belief in those desires are placed in the hands of your spirit guide.
In your second verse, you also show wonderfully, how akin you are to nature and the sadness you feel at the suffering and pain of the Mother Earth.
Having made your sacrificial offering, you look ahead to your departure from this world; when you will be welcomed by those who have gone before.
Sadly, you see this departure as your saving grace - where all your pain and hurt will end. Where you will be allowed to live, love and feel again. Your death to you, will solve all that has long since died within you.
I really hope that the end you write about will be in the far future and that all the things wished for in this poem, will be granted in this life!
Well done for sharing such an emotional piece.
Frankies Girl
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