I read your poem a few times and this is what I came up with.
Your short poem paints a very vivid picture!
To me this poem describes the emotions of young people who have lost their way a little.
Your first word already sums up the humiliation they feel. They seem to blinded and confused by the choices available of future paths they may have to take. They drift aimlessly and their future is bleak and unwelcoming.
They are pushed from pillar to post and unloved.
Your lines Unachieved paradise at the grasp of their hands,Taken away from them right there,infers that they had so much to live for, but then lost their hope/lives before they had the chance to enjoy that haven awaiting them.
Those left behind then continue to live with the memory of those gone.
Your final lines confused me a little. The passageway exposedto me refers to the future which stirs the light from behind the eye and the hope within these youth - with alluring charm for an empty rebirth. Those hopes shine out but are also lost along with their hopes, and are crushed beneath their feet
This is a very thought provoking, well written piece. I'd like to know if my interpretation is correct or if not, would appreciate an explanation from you.
Well done for such vivid imagery and excellent analogies.
Keep writing.
Frankies Girl
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Your poem is short but very precise with the message your are trying to send. Your imagery and use of analogy is beautiful.
You are a growing soul, who is confused in which path to tread. Your outside influences pull you every which way and your own inner thoughts sometimes collide with those influences - making you sad and maybe even a little tormented. This allows fear to take over, which you cannot understand.
My advice: Be yourself without hurting anyone or anything around you. You have an obviously "free spirit" full of curiousity and compassion.
Take care and well done for writing this piece.
Frankies Girl
ps. Have a great time in beautiful Venice - that's where I live!
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Your chosen imagery shows a desperate lost soul, searching for love with a heavy heart.
Your second stanza shows where you thought you were going wrong and how you finally found your true path.
With a little work you'll have a nice poem!
Keep trying!
Frankies Girl
Here are some of my suggestions:
Your first line begins with Before and After. I think already gives the impression that what you are about to write is what you were like before and after - but this stanza only talks about before you found your faith. I would change your first line to reflect the "before" only.
All your lines begin with small letters. You need to decide where to start a new thought and end an old one.
Line 6 no where should be nowhere
Line 8 - your screaming to should be you're screaming too
Line 9 crys should be cries
2nd stanza - Line 1 - You need to separate this line -it's too long. Start with a comma after alone and then decide where to put the rest onto another line.
2nd stanza - Line 4 - love you searched for lied should be love you searched for lay
2nd stanza - line 6 - weakended heart and awoken should be weakened heart and awoke
2nd stanza - Line 7 - put a comma after the word misery
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I found this piece very thoroughly thought out and full of valid questions and comments. The only sad thing though, is that I believe you have probably met too many people who are just like that and have generalised, on a whole, about the entire human race.
You are right. Lots of people do things expecting something in return. They don't have it in their hearts to "just do" and forget. But there are also many other who don't.
I disagree with you comments on Mother Theresa. I feel she was just a beautiful soul, who worked and didn't think twice about feeling good! She had her mission from God and accepted it without question.
Your end paragraph sums up the way I feel and act. I'm sure it's true for quite a few others too. I don't think it's impossible to be unselfish and not expect a reaction to your kind deeds.
Hope you continue working on the above point - it is really possible!
Take care and this reviewer doesn't expect anything in return
Frankies Girl
Ps. Some errors I found:
Para 3 line 3 righ thting typo right thing
Para 5 - line 1 For most people it’s ingrained from childhood that if you do what’s right then you’re a wonderful person reads better For most people, it's ingrained from childhood. If you do what's right, then you're a wonderful person
Para 5 - line 3 they feel good deed will ge tthem into heavenshould be they feel a good deed/good deeds will get them into heaven
Para 5 - last line want, a promotionadd semi colon after want;
Para 10 - line 2 you’re suppose to feel typo. Should be supposed
Para 11 - starting line 5 - You don’t want to give up your seat to the old person on the bus, you don’t want to spend your last $1 til payday on a bagel and a cup of coffee for that homeless guy huddled in the doorway across the streetreplace all commas with semi colons
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I don't think many people bother to "dissect" their changes. They can't be bothered to think beyond the "moaning" and "self pitying" stage, when questioning why something happens to them.
Here you've vividly described what happened to you. You've thought why and accepted the answer - was difficult but rekindled a family union. This is a great lesson in learning and growing in your life.
Well done for sharing this one with us.
Frankies Girl
Ps. Some suggestions/errors:
LINE 1 - it affects us all better if you leave out it
Para 4 - Line 1 - past should be passed
Para 5 - Line 4 - until I can should be until I could
Para 6 - Line 1 - had paid off should be paid off
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Very sad, but a perfect description of your feelings about your grandmother's illness. Your imagery is vivid and with the use of the repetitive sentence but the tears couldn't come the reader is allowed to feel your sadness at your imminent loss.
You obviously had great love for your grandmother and couldn't allow yourself to show emotion until she had gone. This final release allowed the tears to flow and the healing to begin.
Well done for sharing such an emotional piece which I'm sure was difficult to write.
This is such an emotional, well written piece, evoking compassion from the reader for this tortured soul.
This poor man, having tried to be the head of his family, causes the death of his wife and two young boys. This leaves him full of remorse and the memories of them; haunting him in his waking hours and in his sleep.
He chastises himself for what he has done, until finally in his drunken stupor, he receives the forgiveness from his family he so longs for.
Your descriptive talent and vivid imagery shines through. You pay great attention to detail. I felt as though I was part of the whole story!
Very well done and I look forward to reading more of your work!
Frankies Girl
Some errors I found:
Line 3 - them selvesshould be themselves{c/}
Line 6 - at them their bodies should b at them, their bodies
Line 7 - Blood should be blood
Line 9 - all thee should be all three
Line 10 - to Run should be to run
2nd Para - Line 2 - his head he cried should be his head, he cried
2nd Para - Line 4 they were gone should be They were gone
3rd Para - Line 9 take Four days should be take four days
3rd Para - Line 14 “needed him to stop the car” you should omit the inverted commas, as it's not direct speech
3rd Para - Line 23 husband is to be would read better husband should be
Line 24 from the end his life wiped her head should be whipped her head
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It is so heartbreaking when a wonderful friendship comes to an end for whatever reason.
Things, thoughts, adventures that were shared all seem spoilt by the end of a friendship.
Your memories of your time as good friends are very vivid, which makes this poem all the more sad because of its end.
Unfortunately, people grow up and grow out of each other. Your friend now has a family and a job which probably take up lots of his time. Maybe he even struggles to find time for himself!
I think maybe you should try to explain to your friend how you feel. This would probably clear up your doubts about him not caring if you exist. It would probably help you too to make new friends and get on with your life.
You have obviously suffered greatly to class yourself as an "Outsider."
I empathise with you as I've also known those feelings which leave you really gutted and isolated.
Your sad yet vivid imagery allows the reader to feel what your feeling. Your analogies also instil further those feelings into the reader.
Your final questions cry out for love and help. I think you should continue as the passionate, loving person I've found by reading your poem. Other's need to change not you!
From someone who cares!!
Good luck in your life, happiness and writing.
Frankies Girl
This is a great piece. Your irony "shines" out well and you are so right. You have obviously studied and pondered a lot over this problem. I believe many women don't realise how much they are conditioned - or if they do, they don't care about doing anything to change their situation.
Then there are those who really need all that advice -if not magazines would go out of business!!
I had to laugh though at your point re men not having to worry or choose creams etc. In my part of the world - Venice, Italy and Europe in general (I believe also in the VIP world in the USA) men are competing very well in sales of cosmetics, beauty and body care etc. They're even having facial and body hair removed - including plucked eyebrows!! Looks like we've finally got competition.
Well done for a great insight into women's dilemmas.
What a beautiful description of where you live and what a place. It must give you lots of inspiration and happiness. I really felt as though I'd visited and seen for myself.
Nice imagery and use of colours to add to a "taste" of your little part of paradise.
Well done and keep writing. I know you'll make it one day and get published. You definitely have talent.
Write on.
Frankies Girl
ps. I'm not doing too badly either in my little corner of paradise - here in Venice, Italy!!! Ciao.
This is such a perfect tribute to someone you love very much.
They have given you love and set you free. Your feelings about this experience are obviously that of being ecstatic!! You have gained inner strength from this relationship and have healed as a person.
I'm so sorry that you will be losing this love and person physically. Just remember what you have built together and keep that love and strength in your heart. You need to let go and allow that other person to now be "free" too - this is the most difficult thing to do as it's out of your control and in God's hands!!!
I wish you luck and happiness in the future.
Frankies Girl
This is a wonderful tribute to Christianity. It is definitely something you have found and feel very strongly about.
The only problem is that not everyone has the same feelings - for whatever reason - as you or others like you.
We are all individuals and we need to make up our own minds. God will also be there - in whatever form - to love us. But we need to be willing to accept that love, which is not always easy due to the things we have experienced.
Your piece is based solely on your experiences and therefore I am happy for you. I wish others the same luck or at least a good life.
I understand your usage of the word "yet" in the first line but I feel that using "still" would give the intro a "smoother" image of your obvious feelings for this lost love.
Your second verse "you are ever in my eye" gives the impression of something imprinted there forever which is nice imagery.
Third verse describes your love, pain and tears from this relationship - yet you say you didn't value the love! Maybe this was a contributing factor to its end?
You get my vote for a niece descriptive, emotional piece.
Frankies Girl
It just goes to show what a little encouragement can do! Well done for going back and adding to your piece.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and really lived - through your vivid descriptions - the trauma of changing schools.
Keep writing and I look forward to reading more of your work!!
Frankies Girl
Just a few corrections listed below.
Line 5....around the shops and everything..I understand what you mean but try and change this line.
Line 12..we received a file yesterday, fax from your previous..should read.. we received a file yesterday. Fax from your previous..
Line 15 ...probably was good at..change to..was probably good at..
Line 29..I'll just find you a timetable; for today ..reads better..I'll just find you a timetable. For today..
Line 36...Wouldn't I be able to just tell you what subjects I do? reads better..Couldn't I just tell you what subjects I do?
Line 37..typo..cirriculum should be curriculum.
Unrequited love is the theme here - the desperate need to find your soulmate.
I think you've done very well describing how someone (you in this case) feels when they long to love and be loved in return. There is so much insecurity but hope at the same time to find that special person.
Your vivid imagery allows the reader to get inside your head and experience your thoughts and feelings firsthand.
Even though Judas was the villain of the time, I always feel a little sorry for him. What a responsibility to have (for all time!!)been given from above. Others might say it was free will - but I feel that each of us has a path and destiny to follow - unfortunately that was his!!
Well done.
Frankies Girl.
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