Nice, I liked the flow, with wonderful description. I felt as though I was standing on the bridge and I could see it all, feel it all as they came. I was caught off guard by the one eye, got a chill up my spine. I was intrigued and didn’t know what to expect, if I was going to be sucked into the mist, thrown off the bridge, trampled by the mob or forced to join the march.
I read your description and expected a short story about a science fair but there wasn’t anything there. Take the names and write something about them. Tell what happens and how David gets shrunk. What you have, doesn’t make any since at all and isn’t a story or a poem or anything. It is just a list of names. You have the potential to take the idea you mentioned in your description and turn the names you have written into a story matching the description.
Your description reads, “david a 19 year old gets shrunk by his own invention while trying to win the sience fair.” Yet you only mention David twice, in the first and last lines. The first of which you give his age and nothing more and in the last line you say nothing but elude that David is gay. There is no story, you have a lot of work to do.
You also need to capitalize the names. First names are always capitalized.
Beautifully written! I was captivated for the entire article. I could see your mountain, the sea, the sky, I could smell the rain. I admire your courage, as well. I do not think I could ever leave the United States but sometimes I do wish I could go somewhere else. The only part that I didn’t care for was the feeling of terror I had wondering when the hurricanes or equivalent would hit. Having survived Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, while I admire and love the beauty of the water, I am now tarnished by it as well. But thank you for sharing such a wonderful story.
I liked your poem as it reminds me of some of my own. In mine, “quicksand” would have been a metaphor for his eyes or touch. If I’m right and your poem is like mine, I usually used the sea instead of quicksand but I think I like it better.
I like your style of rhyme and the over all tone. I read of a deep love that you fall into, even though you know you should, or at least want to resist, you know you won’t be able to so in the end you just give in and enjoy.
Very well written. Your rhyme is perfect and I didn’t catch a single spelling mistake. I would personally began each line with a capital letter and not use the comma after the question mark in "When did this become me?", - I’m not sure I’d use the quotations either but then that is my personal taste. I enjoyed your poem very much and I can see you are a good writer.
Isn't it funny what can seep into your mind while you’re at work? I was working in accounting, which is what I did before I started freelancing fulltime (I'm a reporter now and write for my life and to support my family now), and while working on a clients statement I had such a strong urge to write I had not choice but to do so. It was a weird little poem but it got rave reviews. I don't have it listed here or I'd share it with you.
One word, Wow! I was hooked from the very beginning and I can't wait to read the rest. You have a talent and a passion that many dream of but few actually ever achiever.
Thank you for sharing and please write more. You can accomplish the dream of every true writer.
Wow! I would love to read more of this story, mainly because I want to find out that I'm wrong. The imagery was wonderful; I was with Katherine the entire story.
I could feel her pain ... her sorrow.
Thanks for sharing such a wonderful story and keep writing.
I enjoyed reading your poem and I really like your style and the flow was good, too.
I like the way you reference life and ships and the sea. I used to do that in my poems as I have always felt a connection to the sea. But after Katrina and Rita, I had to get far, far away from it.
Your poem is heartfelt and beautiful but not as wonderful as the job you do.
My family and I owe you a thank you for the freedom we have and our very lives. You have chosen to risk your lives so that ours might be spared and we can be free.
Nothing burns me up more than those so-called Americans who abuse the rights you risk you life to give them by criticizing the job you do. Regardless of how they feel about our president or the job you are doing, you are doing your job and if it weren't for you, they could face death for voicing their opinions.
I read a request to wear red every Friday to show support of our troops by some who served in the war to free Kuwait so my family and I wear red every Friday.
Anyway, I enjoyed your poem and I appreciate what you do. I wish you the best of luck and will keep you and the rest of our soldiers in my prayers.
Thank you for sharing your poem, I enjoyed reading it. I like your style and the flow and rhyme were very good.
How nice it would be if there was a store where you could find peace of mind, but then like in your poem, no one would be able to find what they really needed. After all we each have our own "peace of mind" store, inside ourselves.
I really enjoyed your poem and I liked your style and flow. It is simple and brilliant. In a way it reminds me of a dream. You can see the storm blowing in and you know you have to get inside, not only because of the storm but because there is also something special waiting inside for you and you can't wait to get inside.
I like you style and the flow is good but after reading it a couple of times, I'm still not sure exactly which direction you are going and that bothers me. I'm not sure if this is an anti-American poem or a pro-American one. I'm not really sure how you could clarify it but I think it would make your poem better.
I enjoyed your poem and like your style and most of the flow. I had a little trouble with the last stance though. I don't care for:
"Await your turn
When you see the
Planets of above."
To me it throws the flow off and doesn't fit. But I loved the other two stances.
I can relate to your poem after experiencing my first winter in Wyoming after leaving Louisiana following the hurricanes last year. I found the winter to be refreshing and beautiful. Like the Hymn where everything is washed white as snow, it seems pure ... after the summer we had; it also seemed like a new beginning, a rebirth. And in many ways, it was.
I found your poem to be interesting and thought provoking. I can see an elderly person who is experiencing the change in their live. Things that always were, no longer are and facing the new can be quite scary. The younger generations are also changing but to them it is fresh and new and exciting.
Now go and write short stories and let these song titles serve as the titles for them. It can be therapeutic and will help you in your writing. I am very glad you stopped being a gangster as that is a very sad way to waste a life.
My only other suggestion is to go capitalize the two "i's" in the last paragraph that were not, a typo I am sure.
Your poem is astounding and I truly enjoyed it. The flow was perfect, your rhyme impeccable and I really like your style. This is a poem everyone should read just for pure enjoyment!
I didn't catch any spelling errors or see any other mistakes.
Thank you for sharing; I wish you the best of luck,
I enjoyed your poem very much. People don't realize how a simple smile can cheer someone up and how contagious just one can become.
I thought your flow was nice but I stumbled a little at the end of the second stance. There was something there that threw the flow off but I'm not quite sure what it was so I don't really have any suggestions.
I enjoyed reading your poem, the flow was nice and I like your style. It is short and sweet and to the point, very well done.
I only caught one typo, an "i" in the last line that wasn't capitalized. As my editor will tell you, spelling is not my strong point, but I didn't see any mistakes.
I enjoyed reading your poem and I find it very entertaining. I usually don't like it when every line is spaced the way you spaced yours, but with your poem, it seems fitting and I'm not quite sure it would work if it weren't.
Thank you for sharing; I wish you the best of luck,
Very Creative! Judging from your poem, I am guessing you were in a pretty bad accident. That's what it reminded me of. I was in a very bad accident and your poem reminds me of what I went through in the emergency room until I had a solid memory.
I hope you do well in the contest; I enjoyed your poem and didn't see anything wrong with it. You have an obvious talent and I found your poem to be encouraging as she was "broken no more."
I can see a woman who has been in an abusive relationship but has found a way to end the abuse.
This is a very nice poem and I enjoyed reading it. I do hope you realize people will appreciate what you have done for them, whether or not they do now they will one day. Keep on smiling and never doubt that you have touched people.
Thank you for sharing; I wish you the best of luck,
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