Ramblings of a lonely night

I had my first taste of addiction today. I have felt fringes of it before,

like after a week of non stop pot smoking and then you look in the bag one morning and nothings left but stems and cracked seeds, and you get

that twinge of regret and an understanding of the phrase all good things must come to an end, but this is different. TV tells me ciggarettes kill, they rope you in and then they hold you until they spit you out hardly able to breathe and on a frast track to an early

cancer-filled death. Smoking an occasional one helped me feel connected with society. LIke drinking a bottle of coke or reading one of Oprahs's favorites, its all the same really. However, those harmless alternatives will leave you satisfied and confident.

Ciggarettes make people crave. WHy is this? I don't even really feel anti-tobacco in any way, but I feel that in some cases, this shit is unfair.

The ciggarettes don't symbolize something fantastic or exilerating like the climax of a movie or fucking; a true addict smokes ciggarettes to maintain. Similar necessities surprisingly include 12 cups of water a day and oxygen in your lungs. Which leads

to another interesting point: why the hell would a species such as ourselves, on the brink of there being no more drinkable water, food shortages throughout the world, air so polluted it slowly kills us when we breathe, why would we be adding more objects in

our lives that we need in order to survive?



The real reason I ponder, in such an obnoxious and agressive manner, is really, because i want a ciggarette. I've been good, I've never bought a pack before in my life, and its a huge goal for me to say that that is a fact that will never, ever ,  change. But godamn, when theres a speed bump in the road that is your life

like there is one in mine, sometimes even the most strong-willed person will cave in his morals. And this is not one of those speed bumps where your take your foot off the gas pedal and go over it saying "whee" and think about the rollar coasters you loved as a kid, this is one of those speed bumps that you see

coming at you like a rogue wave in the ocean and you brace yourself by slamming on the break pedal, and wincing as you hear the sickening scratching of your car bottoming out.



I'm in my boxers, my dicks hanging out, and I don't care. I have a problem: I try so hard to be happy, to put up a facade of the "lifes rough but no worries, man, I get through it with a big smile on my face and a kind word for everyone" personality that i've grown to love so dearly, but it generally ends up meaning that on days like tonight, where I'm all alone on my computer

while all my other 'friends' are off partying their lives away. Not to say that I wouldn't love to be out there with them, In fact i had hoped, even planned to be there with them tonight, but like I said, shits rough.

It would be a bit premature to introduce other characters into this motley tale, but one that seems to ruin oall my fun is her. I left my safe zone, the place i had called home for all 18 years of my as-of-yet insignifigant life, because of her. I had traveled 3000 miles away from everyone i knew and loved to get away from her.

and I can't. Its not like a love her, far from it, i think its a mixture of hate, jealousy, and false hope that are blended together into one devil's mixed drink that causes me to spend the night on my knees puking into my toilet.

In any case, upon returning home I became aware, that while my friends, i'm confident enough to say, enjoy my presence more than her, do tend to hang out with her on accasion, and that means funs over for poor old self-absorbed me. I have blatently ignored any attempt of communication lines opened by her. I can't even manage to pick my worthless

body up and walk the three blocks over to where everyone is having a fantastic time because of her. I hate her, I despise her, and I miss her.



I need a ciggarette.