Likes and Dislikes

Likes: When the leaves change colors in the Fall, watching 6 hours of televised golf, sneaking beer onto a boat when you're fishing all day and never getting caught, Randy 'Macho Man' Savage, pulled pork sandwiches, when the coffee is already made in the morning, using curse words for no reason other than to use them, fuck, having sexual relations with the person you love dearly, your favorite song comes on the radio, a free round of golf, when it's supposed to rain and it doesn't, when you're staying in all day and it pours, getting a brand new lawn, knowing exactly what someone is thinking before they've even thought it, having your parents tell you that they're proud of you, never being able to beat up your older brother, being able to beat up your younger brother until he goes to the gym and surpasses you in strength and conditioning, receiving an award or medal, scoring the game-winning goal in overtime, smoked brisket with copious amounts of bbq sauce, getting a fat paycheck and not having too many bills, forgetting your stresses and worries because you're eternally forgetful, flipping over your pillow to the cold side, not having to charge your cell phone every night, Bill Fucking Murray, finding out your favorite band is coming to your city, seeing an elderly couple walking and holding hands, when a baby laughs, when your dog has a dream/nightmare and his leg shakes in a seizure-like fashion, blasting one with your driver close to 300 yards and landing on the fairway, catching a huge fish, The City of God, bacon cheeseburgers, winning a poker tournament, pulling an all nighter, bringing your car to your mechanic and not having to pay more than 10 dollars, throwing your friend into a huge pile of garbage when he's least expecting it, not having to use the public restroom, watching a beautiful sunset, waking up before everyone else, going to the dentist and not having cavities, having a dentist that looks like Chevy Chase, long weekends, your favorite pair of undies, garlic bread, having a game of pokey-chest with your closest friends in a confined space, going on vacation, feeding a chipmunk out of your own hand, catching a fly in your own hands, only having to wipe twice after taking a huge dump, Wilford Brimley, James Earl Jones, open-ended egg rolls, taking an entire telemarketing survey and then hanging up on them right when they ask for your personal information, getting an email from an old friend, fixing something in your house on your own, bacon, jumping into an unmade bed, winning a public speaking contest when you had absolutely nothing prepared, when it snows so much that you can barely make it down the driveway, The Calabogie Classic, doing your good deed for the day, learning a new word, using big words incorrectly on purpose, catching your parents putting presents under the Christmas tree to prove that Santa is a fictitious character, having your order get fucked up a restaurant and eating the mistake anyways, getting your first haircut in over eight months, smashing the shit out of something that deserved to be smashed a long time ago, Charles Bronson, owning many hats, getting ID'd by someone when you're more than twice their age, gravy, practical jokes, and jumping off the end of a dock without no regards for water temperature.

Dislikes: Chick peas, spilling coffee on your work clothes before you even make it to work, when your friends run away from police and you know you've done nothing wrong, boy bands, when a bird shits on your head, crossing through customs and having to speak to the custom agents, flying in tiny planes over the ocean, when someone gives you the stink-eye for no reason, the endless amounts of 'reality' television shows that are in no way anything even remotely close to reality, Mexicali Rosa's, gas prices, broken bones, getting a sty, eating a bagel at 2am in the dark and realizing that the first half you've already eaten was moldy, proving a know-it-all wrong, hearing that your favorite band broke up, relish, politics, elections, electrocution, wireless connection breakdowns, having to call Rogers for anything, Tyra Banks, huge spiders, sail boats, getting bucked by a billy goat, getting into a verbal fight and not knowing what you're even fighting about, horseradish, any radish, gypsies, not knowing how to properly tie a tie, Paris, slipping on black ice, stubbing your toe, having multiple weddings to go to in the same summer, empty promises, burning your dinner to a crisp, taking a sip of a beer with a cigarette butt in it, going to night clubs, baseball on television, singing competitions, poppy seeds in your teeth, getting older, forgetting directions to a place you've been, the guy who owns the marina at my cottage, having to go to four houses on Christmas Day, driving anywhere with any of my brothers, mushrooms, hospitals, dentist chairs, triple bogeys, swans that chase you, bats, rats, cats, jumping jacks, CSI without Grissom, techno music, dancing with glow-sticks, ear gages, guns, driveways that only fit one car, Subway, Italian subways, morning traffic, evening traffic, nagging, getting picked last, light sour cream, light anything, Enya, failing your first drivers test, cabbage rolls, broken shoelaces, potato salad, egg salad, the smell of someone making egg salad, wars, bottled water, boxing, having a pen explode in your pocket, and ordering something on-line that doesn't fit when it gets to your house.