Witness to withness #6

April 9, 2012

  Today is a down day. I continue to be in state of limbo in my work as a security guard This means I am working all manner of accounts(positions) with no one place to call home. The metaphor of baptism stays with me on days like today. In Baptism there is a sense in which one goes down and yet because of the buoyant nature of the water one can only go so far before they arise out of the depths. One activity that I used for escape is shooting foul shots. I Shot only twenty percent in basketball, shooting the ball two hunded times This indicates that for whatever reason I lack focus. It could be that I need more practice. It has been months of working all manner of places at minimun wage all because a client was not satisfied with my work. I am not close to the best I can be. I feel in decline, yet how much lower can I go?

    God be with me. I trust that God is somehow underneath me in the midst of waters that threaten to drown me. When I was dealing with an awful depression in my twenties, God gave me a vision of Jesus dying on the cross. Jesus experienced and knew my despair even at teh moment of dying on the cross. Soon after, about this same time thirty years ago, the depression subsided. Jesus words from the cross keep me buoyed; “My God, My God why hast thou forsaken me? “ Being forsaken makes one wonder if anyone in all of creation can bring comfort.  There is an experience of feeling lost and confused-bogged down-“water logged”. 

    God opens up the waters for the Israelites in the to enter on dry land, even as the Egyptians pursue with revenge on their mind. Just as the Israelites get to the other side, the waters surround those who were hell bent on showing how they are superior. This is food for me as I tread water. The corporate comlexes are like a modern day Egypt that seeks in it's own way to be right so others will earn the right to be heard. God’s love is the liqueur that helps us rise to the top when our oppressor’s is about to have an “aha!” moment.  God finds ways to get us to a new normal. 

    So here I am before a computer.  It feels like the little money we have is about to dry up.  In our own way we struggle as if waters have been sent to drown us.  Sharon used to make lots of money and now feels useless and I, myself once a pastor of several churches is floundering as a security guard making little money, freedom fleeting-only God can make sense out of my current distress. I guess that means I need to find new ways to wait on God. In future writings I hope to focus on what God is teaching me that allow me to swim to a safer place.