Witness to withness #9

June 6, 2012

  One of the battles I fight on a regular basis is what I call the demon of depression. I shall never forget a clinical psychologist hitting me with his words. "Can you be depressed and still minister?" It is a question I have carried with me all my life. I am having one of those days where I am surprised at how good I feel. I didn’t even need my regular sports fix to get to this place.. I believe God is at work in the midst of struggling with disconnection. God witnesses/sees in ways I will never understand. The Boston Red Sox lost--bummer!  At least this time it did not feel like the end of the world had come. Last year there were times I became so anxious I was on the verge of panic. I still not sure about my obsession with Boston sports after all I have lived in the Kansas City area more than half my life--maybe it is an indication of how I miss family back East.  Sweetie(my lovely wife), seems more centered than usual. She has been in a funk for almost two years after being terminated from a high paying position at Cerner. I am evolving into a state of mind that says maybe we can survive this. My work as a security guard seems more tolerable. I find myself concentrating, setting healthy boundaries with a co-worker who likes to play like he is tougher than everyone, even though he is well into his sixties. I am getting used to the one in the morning to nine in the morning shift. At first I was forever in a fog, more asleep than awake. An exercise regimen has kept me from feeling too run down. I have run two miles plus so far this week and have added twenty four pushups. It may seem little and yet I am optimistic I can still run a marathon before I die. It is a start.  I also shoot baskets.on a regular basis. I have family in Massachusetts that play basketball and that means I want to shoot enough to be competitive. I made it all the way to fifty per cent at the foul line today. It felt good to sing Christian hymns at work, even though I constantly hear my Mr.Brower(not his real name), that I sing lousy.  God be with me and help me to be more patient with myself and others.  Let me realize that I there is someone out there I can call a friend. I have been a loner all my life. I have been hurt by others and in response I try to please them and sacrifice my life for them. This is my story-what is yours. That is the place that I reach toward. I don't like feeling all alone and disconnected. I will keep writing and pray that I can discover that I am worth the time for somebody to be with me. Only as I respect and value myself can I expect others to value me.

  I have been cataloguing my dreams of late. I am hoping that somewhere out of my self-conscioius awareness are some answers to my days of being in a daze. While in Bartlesville, I was in a ministerial study group that focused on the insights of Carl Jung. I catch myself saying "oh to be Jung again". My dreams have been more positive except for a dream today about toilet overflow. What would Jung say about that? It was a helpless feeling.  There is something missing. I am aware there is a bigger world that the world I have let myself be victim to. It seems like only yesterday I was enjoying ministry in the inner-city, ten years of bliss. Then came divorce form Cindy. My kids caught in the wake of the tidal wave. I was faced with paying child support and my life as a minister was put on hold.. I am of the opinion my life is overflowing with refuse. I picture myself as a teacher of special need children upon waking up.This is what a career workshop had mapped out for me. I have been out of professional ministry for almost ten years. I hope I will use time at Willard Baptist Church to discover what it means for me to be a minister and man of God.